Limmy's Show (2009) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1 Welcome to Limmy's Show.
Imagine you're having your lunch, you look up and you see that.
Some guy just staring at ye.
You'd be like this.
What's he lookin' at? Some guy just staring at us.
Or maybe he was staring at me cos he thought I was staring at him.
Maybe we looked at each other at the same time, maybe that's all it is.
Naw, naw, naw, naw, he was definitely looking at me when I looked at him.
Is he still looking at me? Is he still looking at me? So you check to see.
Cool.
Naw, he wisnae staring at us.
Maybe he was looking at me, but in that way that you just look right through somebody, don't even know you're deein' it.
Aye, that's whit it probably wis.
Or maybe we did look at each other at the same time.
Maybe Naw, naw, he was definitely lookin' at me when I looked at him, I'm sure, cos I turned around Caught.
Caught a dillion.
Caught.
Caught sneaking back for another wee look there, that's me made a connection with the guy now.
That's made a connection with the guy.
I've got to get oot of this.
I've got to get out - the guy knows I'm interested in him, not in a sexual way, but he knows I'm thinking aboot him now.
He knows I'm thinking aboot him, he knows that I know that he knows that Do you know what I mean? I've gotta break this connection.
I'm getting on with my life, mate.
Let's the two of us just move on, you know, I'm no' interested, mate, I'm no' interested.
I've got bigger fish to fry, mate, bigger fish to fry.
Shit.
No.
I'm no' looking away this time.
I'm no' looking away this time.
Nup, you started it, I'm finishing it.
I caught you, you caught me, that's 50/50, this is it.
Me and you all the way doon the line, let's go.
What you looking at? Sorry, false alarm.
Jacqueline, I've I've had a look through your CV, but you don't seem to have any experience in dry-cleaning.
Do you have any? Naw.
Do you have any experience of cleaning garments professionally? Naw.
Working in a laundrette, ironing clothes in a hotel, d'you have? Look, mate, I used to be a junkie.
Awright, I'm just gonnae lay my cards on the table.
I used to be a junkie, I've no' got any experience.
I lost three year of ma life on heroin, and another five year on a methadone programme that was meant to get us aff it! Awright, but that's me clean noo.
When I saw your advert in the paper for the job, dry-cleaners, I was like, "That's a sign, that's gotta be a sign, mate," do you know what I mean? I thought, "I've got tae have this job, I've got tae have this job.
" I'm no' looking for any special treatment, mate.
I can just promise you that I'll work my hardest to get your clothes clean, the same way that I worked hard to get mysel' clean.
D'you know what I mean? Cos that's me working for two now, mate, that's me got my daughter back, that's me working for two.
I need this job, mate, I want this job, I'm working for two now, d'you know what I mean? Look, it's OK.
Naw, it's no' OK, mate, I shouldnae have came here, I've got nae experience.
I've made a fool of mysel'.
Jacqueline.
I had I had a relative who found themselves in the same situation you're in and I and I wisnae there to help.
And I hope you don't mind the personal reasons behind my decision.
I'd like tae offer you the job.
- You're jokin'.
- Naw.
- Can you start on Monday? - Too right, mate.
Aw, that's brilliant news, what a start to the weekend, eh? Good excuse to go oot and get hammered, eh? What? I said it's a good excuse to go oot and get hammered this weekend, starting work on Monday! What did you just say to me? What's wrong? What the fuck are you on aboot, "What's wrang?" After everything I told you aboot me getting clean? Pure opening my heart up to ye, there you're like, "Ah, is that y'away to get full o' the smack again this weekend, eh, Jacqueline?" Get yerjob tae fuck! - Jacqueline, I never said that! - I told ye, I'm clean, awright?! Too clean for this pigsty.
He's a dirty! American forces in Afghanistan have came under some of the most intense fire since the beginning of their campaign, in a town only five miles from Kabool.
Did you hear what I said there? I said Kabool.
Kabool.
Not Kabul, like we would say over here, but Kabool, like they would say over there.
Impressive, isn't it? Of course, you wouldn't hear me say this The Netherlands will tonight go to the ballot box in a crucial vote that could spell the end of the notorious red-light districts of Amshterdam.
Or The President of America will later today attend a memorial service at the site of the World Trade Center attacks in Noo Yoik.
Or A fire has broke out on a North Sea oil rig, just off the coast of Shetland, the Shetland Islands up there in Shetland.
No.
That would be silly, wouldn't it? I only do it for places like Kabool.
Here, imagine getting knocked doon by an ambulance, that'd be funny, wouldn't it? It's no'.
It's no'.
Every day in my school, there's always some class getting gym.
And in every class, there's always somebody who's forgot their trainers.
But that never stops them from getting some exercise.
A punishment exercise! I thought, hold on, there's a wee gap in the market here.
So I bought a pair of sannies, just a daft pair of slip-ons oot the shops.
A hefty investment, but the higher the risk, the higher the return.
The next day, I goes walking up the gym queue like that, "Anybody looking for trainers? "Sannies for hire.
Sannies" "Aye, me!" "Me an' aw.
" Mark and Colin bolt up to us at the exact same time.
I wis like that, "Er, we've got a problem, lads, I've only got one pair of trainers.
" Mark was like that, "I shouted first.
" Colin was like, "Aye, but I got to him first.
" I was like, "Look, lads, I've got an idea - take a trainer each.
" They were like, "Are you mental?" I says, "Naw, listen, they split the hall into two, daen't they? "Yous are in two different classes, two different teachers.
"Mark, you go up to Mrs McArthur with your trainer, "and hit her with a sob story aboot how the other fell oot your bag, right? "Same with Mrs Ferguson, Colin.
"She normally doesnae fall for the missing trainers patter, "but having a trainer on ye will lend the story a certain believability, right?" And they were like that, "Worth a try.
" I says, "Cool, 20p each.
" 40p, man, can you believe it? A 40% return on my investment already! Anyway, so I catches up with them at the end of the day, see how they got on.
I was dreading it, if the truth be known.
And they were like that, "Gary, you're a genius!" I was like that, "Thank God.
" And that was the end a that.
Naw, it wasnae.
Cos a couple of days later, there's me in the middle of serving a customer and I gets a hand slapped on ma shooder.
Turns around and there's Mark and Colin with pure scowls on their faces.
They were like that, "We want our money back, it didnae work.
" I was like that, "Aye, it did.
" They were like that, "Naw, it didnae.
" They tells us they got pulled oot their classroom and their teachers said, "Boys, we've just had a conversation about how two of our pupils, "in the exact same gym hall, "on the exact same day, managed to lose the exact same sandshoe.
"Can you explain why that is?" I was like that, "Aw, you are joking!" They were like that, "Naw, 500 lines each, it's nae joke, so gie's our money back.
" I was like that, "No chance! "I provided yous with a solution to your problem in that moment in time, "the problem being imminent punny eccies.
"Yous knew the risks, yous accepted the deal, nae refund.
" Two of them started squaring up to me, "Don't want to hear it, Gary.
Money, noo.
" I was like that, "It's came to this, then, has it?" And I chucked their money on the deck.
Told them no' to come back.
And they were like that, "So what?" So what? See they two? They're not getting a lend o' a pair of trainers for the rest of their lives.
Nae hauners in any fights.
Nae dragging them oot of the grog pit.
Nothin'.
That's them on themselves! Right, ta.
Right, ta.
Right, ta.
Right, ta.
Let's dance For fear your grace should fall Let's dance For fear tonight is all Let's sway You could look into my eyes Let's sway Under the moonlight The serious moonlight We've got to save the planet.
That's what they say.
Our planet is dying.
Good.
Don't want to save the planet.
Because the reason for saving the planet is so that it can be enjoyed by future generations, in't it? But what if I hate them? Cos here we've got the next generation right here.
Look.
He looks like his troosers have fell doon.
See in ma day, see if you looked like that, it would be because yer troosers have fell doon.
That's the sort of thing you used to run up behind people an' dae to them.
I hate him.
And as for generations to come, people 500 years from now, I've no' even met them and I hate them awready.
You should as well because they'll be looking back to this day and age and they'll be laughing at us.
Calling us barbarians, pure gie'n us a hard time.
Why would you want to leave them a beautiful planet that's in perfect nick? I couldnae bear the thought aw they people on ma planet, pure livin' it up, no way! You know what the saddest thing is? We willnae be there to laugh back at them, to gie them a hard time.
But we can get the planet to gie them a hard time on oor behalf.
By destroying it.
By leaving them a planet so ravaged that they just need to step oot into the sunlight and their skin will fall aff.
And in that small way, even though we'll be deid, we'll have lived on through dear old Mother Earth.
So cheer up.
It's no' the end of the world.
Severe floods in North Wales have left almost 700 people homeless, many without adequate food or shelter.
Did you see that? I said, 700 people homeless.
Watch how I shake my head.
700 people homeless.
Watch how I wave my hands.
700 people homeless.
That's a little trick I use in order to help you know that what I just told you is bad news.
Sorry, sorry to interrupt the show, folks, I've got an idea.
It's a wee trick we can play on aw the folks no' watching the show the night, right? What it is is, see when you're oot and aboot, see if you see a stone on the ground, pick it up, and on the ground, draw an arrow.
See if you can be bothered, keep it wi' ye, take it wi' ye, and wherever you go, every now and again another arrow on the grun'.
If enough of us dae it, your arrows will lead to somebody else's arrows that'll lead to somebody else's.
Arrows that lead to arrows that lead to arrows.
Let's send these bastards everywhere.
You'll never catch me! I'm your worstest nightmare! Imagine it.
Imagine seeing yer doppelganger.
Imagine seeing somebody who's identical to you in every way.
How mental would that be, eh? Aye, well, come here.
Dugs.
In the '70s, you had yer Alsatian, you know, yer German shepherd.
And in the '80s, you had yer Doberman, you know, your Doberman pinscher.
In the late '80s and '90s, you had yer Rottweiler.
And now it's your bull terrier, yer Staffordshire bull terrier, pit bull terrier, it's just totally out of control, innit? So what the Government did - and this was a while back, you willnae remember this - was they got in touch wi' the Kennel Club and they said, "No more.
"If yous breed any mair of these dangerous dugs, "then we're no' letting you breed any.
" And the Kennel Club said, "Are you sure aboot that?" And see, efter a moment's thought, the Government backed doon, because they knew they could ban every kinda breed o' dug that there is, they couldnae ban dugs altogether.
Cos what people would end up doing is they would swap oot their old dugs for a breed of dug that wasnae a breed of dug.
And d'you know what that is? The wolf.
Picture wan o' these swines wi' a wolf.
Aaaoooo! Aaoooo! Aaaooooooo! Computer, locate all global instances of men wearing low-slung denims.
Approximately 102 million instances worldwide.
Select three at random that are within CCTV range.
- Selected.
- On screen.
Computer, gie's some controls.
Computer, synchronise controls wi' all global instances of low-slung denims.
- Computer, activate microphone.
- Activated.
Pull up yer troosers! You're watching Adventure Call.
My name is Falconhoof.
And I will be your guide on your quest.
Greetings, line six, what is your name, traveller? Ped! Greetings, Ped.
Are you ready to begin your quest? No, I'm no'Ped.
You're Ped! - What is your name? - It's Stu.
Are you ready to begin your quest? You don't remember me, din ye no'? Have you been on Adventure Call before, Stu? Ped, it's Stu.
Stuart Richmond frae school, mind.
Oh, Stu, Stu.
Greetings.
Greetings, old friend.
Would you like to begin your quest? Aye, on ye go.
I'm only on to say hello, really.
You are at the bottom of a well.
- Mad Ped.
- There is a Sorry, traveller? No, I was just saying, "Mad Ped".
I cannae believe you're on the telly.
It was Graham what told us.
I bumped into him at the Horseshoe and I was like that, "What's Mad Ped up to nowadays?" He says you're on the telly daen some daft quiz show.
I was like that, "That madman?!" How'd you land on your feet anyway, ya maddy? There is a To your east is a loose brick in the wall of the well.
There is Sorry, Ped, I didnae mean to embarrass you, mate.
It's OK, traveller, but I must ask you to believe in the adventure, otherwise it will not be true.
I am I am Falconhoof, if you know what I mean? Aye, nae bother, mate, I'm just on to say hello.
Stacey says hello an'all, by the way.
Right, aw the best, Ped.
I'll maybe catch up wi'you later, right.
- If you're heading to - Stacey? Stacey that I Stacey that I used to? Aye, Stacey.
I told her what Graham said, that you've got this quiz show, she's really happy for you.
She still really likes you.
- Really? - Aye, likes you a lot, mate.
And are you seeing Stacey? Is is she your travelling partner, if you like? Naw, naw, naw, I'm no' going out wi'her, mate.
- Don't worry, don't worry.
- That's Just shagging her now and then, but naw, I'm no'going out with her.
So feel free to batter in any time, mate.
I see.
Goodbye, traveller.
See ye, Ped.
Aye, batter in.
Just no'on a Wednesday, awright? Let's take another call.
See if you can escape the well.
You see, the problem with being on a bus is you sometimes get this overwhelming urge to just blurt something out and make a complete fool of yourself, don't you? Raaaaaargh! Raaaaargh ha-ha-ha! No! No! The Prime Minister has warned that a full economic recovery could take "longer than expected", and that Government borrowing may increase in years to come.
Did you see what I did there? When I said, "longer than expected", I looked down at the piece of paper, didn't I? That's because it was a quote.
I read off the Autocue and it said I look down to my quote sheet one, two, three, four, five - "longer than expected".
Pretty neat, huh? We're all thinking aboot each other, in't we? - Aye.
- Thought so.
I want you inside me, hen.
Fuckin', I don't work, right? And people think that makes yer heid go tae pot.
But I spot things.
I think aboot things that other people havenae got the time for.
Like, there was this advert on the telly, aboot four in the morning, for one o'they CD collections.
And the song that was playing was that I Wanna Know What Love Is by Foreigner.
And it had the names of aw these other songs coming up, like Sheena Easton, Modern Girl, and Love Bites by Def Leppard.
And they were in white.
Then I Wanna Know What Love Is by Foreigner popped up, but that was in yella.
And I was like that, "Right, so if the words are in yella, "that means that's the song that's playing.
Cool.
" Then the song changed to Crockett's Theme by Jan Hammer.
And I was like that, "Right, so soon we'll be seeing a wee "Jan Hammer, Crockett's Theme in yella, I get it now.
" Lionel Ritchie, Hello.
That was in white.
Right.
Here I Go Again, Whitesnake, that was in white an'aw.
Cool.
Guess what comes up in yella.
You guessed it.
Circle in the Sand by Belinda Carlisle.
I was like that What?! Then the song came on.
But nae mention of Jan Hammer, no'once.
People are like that, "Dee Dee, you must be going braindeid, "just sitting about doing fuck-all all day.
" But I must have been the only guy that spotted that, man.
D'you wanna go faster? Then scre-e-e-e-e-am! Get on the outside, the left side's the best side.
Scream if you want to go faster, scream, scream, scream! I'd like to move on now and talk about your first real taste of the West End stage environment.
At the age of 19, you were thrust into the lead role of Hamlet.
A very young age to take on such a prominent role, usually reserved for actors of around twice the age.
I mean, that must have been a very proud achievement for you.
Sure.
Previous to myself playing Hamlet, it was generally regarded as a as a role for 30-year-olds, 40-year-olds, but Stuart Havish of the Windsor Theatre, who was the director of the Windsor Theatre at the time, he gave me my big break, as it were, and I I haven't looked back since.
So it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis great, yeah, very proud achievement.
Well, ladies and gentleman, that's the end of the show.
Hope you've enjoyed it.
See you later.
Bye-bye.
Imagine you're having your lunch, you look up and you see that.
Some guy just staring at ye.
You'd be like this.
What's he lookin' at? Some guy just staring at us.
Or maybe he was staring at me cos he thought I was staring at him.
Maybe we looked at each other at the same time, maybe that's all it is.
Naw, naw, naw, naw, he was definitely looking at me when I looked at him.
Is he still looking at me? Is he still looking at me? So you check to see.
Cool.
Naw, he wisnae staring at us.
Maybe he was looking at me, but in that way that you just look right through somebody, don't even know you're deein' it.
Aye, that's whit it probably wis.
Or maybe we did look at each other at the same time.
Maybe Naw, naw, he was definitely lookin' at me when I looked at him, I'm sure, cos I turned around Caught.
Caught a dillion.
Caught.
Caught sneaking back for another wee look there, that's me made a connection with the guy now.
That's made a connection with the guy.
I've got to get oot of this.
I've got to get out - the guy knows I'm interested in him, not in a sexual way, but he knows I'm thinking aboot him now.
He knows I'm thinking aboot him, he knows that I know that he knows that Do you know what I mean? I've gotta break this connection.
I'm getting on with my life, mate.
Let's the two of us just move on, you know, I'm no' interested, mate, I'm no' interested.
I've got bigger fish to fry, mate, bigger fish to fry.
Shit.
No.
I'm no' looking away this time.
I'm no' looking away this time.
Nup, you started it, I'm finishing it.
I caught you, you caught me, that's 50/50, this is it.
Me and you all the way doon the line, let's go.
What you looking at? Sorry, false alarm.
Jacqueline, I've I've had a look through your CV, but you don't seem to have any experience in dry-cleaning.
Do you have any? Naw.
Do you have any experience of cleaning garments professionally? Naw.
Working in a laundrette, ironing clothes in a hotel, d'you have? Look, mate, I used to be a junkie.
Awright, I'm just gonnae lay my cards on the table.
I used to be a junkie, I've no' got any experience.
I lost three year of ma life on heroin, and another five year on a methadone programme that was meant to get us aff it! Awright, but that's me clean noo.
When I saw your advert in the paper for the job, dry-cleaners, I was like, "That's a sign, that's gotta be a sign, mate," do you know what I mean? I thought, "I've got tae have this job, I've got tae have this job.
" I'm no' looking for any special treatment, mate.
I can just promise you that I'll work my hardest to get your clothes clean, the same way that I worked hard to get mysel' clean.
D'you know what I mean? Cos that's me working for two now, mate, that's me got my daughter back, that's me working for two.
I need this job, mate, I want this job, I'm working for two now, d'you know what I mean? Look, it's OK.
Naw, it's no' OK, mate, I shouldnae have came here, I've got nae experience.
I've made a fool of mysel'.
Jacqueline.
I had I had a relative who found themselves in the same situation you're in and I and I wisnae there to help.
And I hope you don't mind the personal reasons behind my decision.
I'd like tae offer you the job.
- You're jokin'.
- Naw.
- Can you start on Monday? - Too right, mate.
Aw, that's brilliant news, what a start to the weekend, eh? Good excuse to go oot and get hammered, eh? What? I said it's a good excuse to go oot and get hammered this weekend, starting work on Monday! What did you just say to me? What's wrong? What the fuck are you on aboot, "What's wrang?" After everything I told you aboot me getting clean? Pure opening my heart up to ye, there you're like, "Ah, is that y'away to get full o' the smack again this weekend, eh, Jacqueline?" Get yerjob tae fuck! - Jacqueline, I never said that! - I told ye, I'm clean, awright?! Too clean for this pigsty.
He's a dirty! American forces in Afghanistan have came under some of the most intense fire since the beginning of their campaign, in a town only five miles from Kabool.
Did you hear what I said there? I said Kabool.
Kabool.
Not Kabul, like we would say over here, but Kabool, like they would say over there.
Impressive, isn't it? Of course, you wouldn't hear me say this The Netherlands will tonight go to the ballot box in a crucial vote that could spell the end of the notorious red-light districts of Amshterdam.
Or The President of America will later today attend a memorial service at the site of the World Trade Center attacks in Noo Yoik.
Or A fire has broke out on a North Sea oil rig, just off the coast of Shetland, the Shetland Islands up there in Shetland.
No.
That would be silly, wouldn't it? I only do it for places like Kabool.
Here, imagine getting knocked doon by an ambulance, that'd be funny, wouldn't it? It's no'.
It's no'.
Every day in my school, there's always some class getting gym.
And in every class, there's always somebody who's forgot their trainers.
But that never stops them from getting some exercise.
A punishment exercise! I thought, hold on, there's a wee gap in the market here.
So I bought a pair of sannies, just a daft pair of slip-ons oot the shops.
A hefty investment, but the higher the risk, the higher the return.
The next day, I goes walking up the gym queue like that, "Anybody looking for trainers? "Sannies for hire.
Sannies" "Aye, me!" "Me an' aw.
" Mark and Colin bolt up to us at the exact same time.
I wis like that, "Er, we've got a problem, lads, I've only got one pair of trainers.
" Mark was like that, "I shouted first.
" Colin was like, "Aye, but I got to him first.
" I was like, "Look, lads, I've got an idea - take a trainer each.
" They were like, "Are you mental?" I says, "Naw, listen, they split the hall into two, daen't they? "Yous are in two different classes, two different teachers.
"Mark, you go up to Mrs McArthur with your trainer, "and hit her with a sob story aboot how the other fell oot your bag, right? "Same with Mrs Ferguson, Colin.
"She normally doesnae fall for the missing trainers patter, "but having a trainer on ye will lend the story a certain believability, right?" And they were like that, "Worth a try.
" I says, "Cool, 20p each.
" 40p, man, can you believe it? A 40% return on my investment already! Anyway, so I catches up with them at the end of the day, see how they got on.
I was dreading it, if the truth be known.
And they were like that, "Gary, you're a genius!" I was like that, "Thank God.
" And that was the end a that.
Naw, it wasnae.
Cos a couple of days later, there's me in the middle of serving a customer and I gets a hand slapped on ma shooder.
Turns around and there's Mark and Colin with pure scowls on their faces.
They were like that, "We want our money back, it didnae work.
" I was like that, "Aye, it did.
" They were like that, "Naw, it didnae.
" They tells us they got pulled oot their classroom and their teachers said, "Boys, we've just had a conversation about how two of our pupils, "in the exact same gym hall, "on the exact same day, managed to lose the exact same sandshoe.
"Can you explain why that is?" I was like that, "Aw, you are joking!" They were like that, "Naw, 500 lines each, it's nae joke, so gie's our money back.
" I was like that, "No chance! "I provided yous with a solution to your problem in that moment in time, "the problem being imminent punny eccies.
"Yous knew the risks, yous accepted the deal, nae refund.
" Two of them started squaring up to me, "Don't want to hear it, Gary.
Money, noo.
" I was like that, "It's came to this, then, has it?" And I chucked their money on the deck.
Told them no' to come back.
And they were like that, "So what?" So what? See they two? They're not getting a lend o' a pair of trainers for the rest of their lives.
Nae hauners in any fights.
Nae dragging them oot of the grog pit.
Nothin'.
That's them on themselves! Right, ta.
Right, ta.
Right, ta.
Right, ta.
Let's dance For fear your grace should fall Let's dance For fear tonight is all Let's sway You could look into my eyes Let's sway Under the moonlight The serious moonlight We've got to save the planet.
That's what they say.
Our planet is dying.
Good.
Don't want to save the planet.
Because the reason for saving the planet is so that it can be enjoyed by future generations, in't it? But what if I hate them? Cos here we've got the next generation right here.
Look.
He looks like his troosers have fell doon.
See in ma day, see if you looked like that, it would be because yer troosers have fell doon.
That's the sort of thing you used to run up behind people an' dae to them.
I hate him.
And as for generations to come, people 500 years from now, I've no' even met them and I hate them awready.
You should as well because they'll be looking back to this day and age and they'll be laughing at us.
Calling us barbarians, pure gie'n us a hard time.
Why would you want to leave them a beautiful planet that's in perfect nick? I couldnae bear the thought aw they people on ma planet, pure livin' it up, no way! You know what the saddest thing is? We willnae be there to laugh back at them, to gie them a hard time.
But we can get the planet to gie them a hard time on oor behalf.
By destroying it.
By leaving them a planet so ravaged that they just need to step oot into the sunlight and their skin will fall aff.
And in that small way, even though we'll be deid, we'll have lived on through dear old Mother Earth.
So cheer up.
It's no' the end of the world.
Severe floods in North Wales have left almost 700 people homeless, many without adequate food or shelter.
Did you see that? I said, 700 people homeless.
Watch how I shake my head.
700 people homeless.
Watch how I wave my hands.
700 people homeless.
That's a little trick I use in order to help you know that what I just told you is bad news.
Sorry, sorry to interrupt the show, folks, I've got an idea.
It's a wee trick we can play on aw the folks no' watching the show the night, right? What it is is, see when you're oot and aboot, see if you see a stone on the ground, pick it up, and on the ground, draw an arrow.
See if you can be bothered, keep it wi' ye, take it wi' ye, and wherever you go, every now and again another arrow on the grun'.
If enough of us dae it, your arrows will lead to somebody else's arrows that'll lead to somebody else's.
Arrows that lead to arrows that lead to arrows.
Let's send these bastards everywhere.
You'll never catch me! I'm your worstest nightmare! Imagine it.
Imagine seeing yer doppelganger.
Imagine seeing somebody who's identical to you in every way.
How mental would that be, eh? Aye, well, come here.
Dugs.
In the '70s, you had yer Alsatian, you know, yer German shepherd.
And in the '80s, you had yer Doberman, you know, your Doberman pinscher.
In the late '80s and '90s, you had yer Rottweiler.
And now it's your bull terrier, yer Staffordshire bull terrier, pit bull terrier, it's just totally out of control, innit? So what the Government did - and this was a while back, you willnae remember this - was they got in touch wi' the Kennel Club and they said, "No more.
"If yous breed any mair of these dangerous dugs, "then we're no' letting you breed any.
" And the Kennel Club said, "Are you sure aboot that?" And see, efter a moment's thought, the Government backed doon, because they knew they could ban every kinda breed o' dug that there is, they couldnae ban dugs altogether.
Cos what people would end up doing is they would swap oot their old dugs for a breed of dug that wasnae a breed of dug.
And d'you know what that is? The wolf.
Picture wan o' these swines wi' a wolf.
Aaaoooo! Aaoooo! Aaaooooooo! Computer, locate all global instances of men wearing low-slung denims.
Approximately 102 million instances worldwide.
Select three at random that are within CCTV range.
- Selected.
- On screen.
Computer, gie's some controls.
Computer, synchronise controls wi' all global instances of low-slung denims.
- Computer, activate microphone.
- Activated.
Pull up yer troosers! You're watching Adventure Call.
My name is Falconhoof.
And I will be your guide on your quest.
Greetings, line six, what is your name, traveller? Ped! Greetings, Ped.
Are you ready to begin your quest? No, I'm no'Ped.
You're Ped! - What is your name? - It's Stu.
Are you ready to begin your quest? You don't remember me, din ye no'? Have you been on Adventure Call before, Stu? Ped, it's Stu.
Stuart Richmond frae school, mind.
Oh, Stu, Stu.
Greetings.
Greetings, old friend.
Would you like to begin your quest? Aye, on ye go.
I'm only on to say hello, really.
You are at the bottom of a well.
- Mad Ped.
- There is a Sorry, traveller? No, I was just saying, "Mad Ped".
I cannae believe you're on the telly.
It was Graham what told us.
I bumped into him at the Horseshoe and I was like that, "What's Mad Ped up to nowadays?" He says you're on the telly daen some daft quiz show.
I was like that, "That madman?!" How'd you land on your feet anyway, ya maddy? There is a To your east is a loose brick in the wall of the well.
There is Sorry, Ped, I didnae mean to embarrass you, mate.
It's OK, traveller, but I must ask you to believe in the adventure, otherwise it will not be true.
I am I am Falconhoof, if you know what I mean? Aye, nae bother, mate, I'm just on to say hello.
Stacey says hello an'all, by the way.
Right, aw the best, Ped.
I'll maybe catch up wi'you later, right.
- If you're heading to - Stacey? Stacey that I Stacey that I used to? Aye, Stacey.
I told her what Graham said, that you've got this quiz show, she's really happy for you.
She still really likes you.
- Really? - Aye, likes you a lot, mate.
And are you seeing Stacey? Is is she your travelling partner, if you like? Naw, naw, naw, I'm no' going out wi'her, mate.
- Don't worry, don't worry.
- That's Just shagging her now and then, but naw, I'm no'going out with her.
So feel free to batter in any time, mate.
I see.
Goodbye, traveller.
See ye, Ped.
Aye, batter in.
Just no'on a Wednesday, awright? Let's take another call.
See if you can escape the well.
You see, the problem with being on a bus is you sometimes get this overwhelming urge to just blurt something out and make a complete fool of yourself, don't you? Raaaaaargh! Raaaaargh ha-ha-ha! No! No! The Prime Minister has warned that a full economic recovery could take "longer than expected", and that Government borrowing may increase in years to come.
Did you see what I did there? When I said, "longer than expected", I looked down at the piece of paper, didn't I? That's because it was a quote.
I read off the Autocue and it said I look down to my quote sheet one, two, three, four, five - "longer than expected".
Pretty neat, huh? We're all thinking aboot each other, in't we? - Aye.
- Thought so.
I want you inside me, hen.
Fuckin', I don't work, right? And people think that makes yer heid go tae pot.
But I spot things.
I think aboot things that other people havenae got the time for.
Like, there was this advert on the telly, aboot four in the morning, for one o'they CD collections.
And the song that was playing was that I Wanna Know What Love Is by Foreigner.
And it had the names of aw these other songs coming up, like Sheena Easton, Modern Girl, and Love Bites by Def Leppard.
And they were in white.
Then I Wanna Know What Love Is by Foreigner popped up, but that was in yella.
And I was like that, "Right, so if the words are in yella, "that means that's the song that's playing.
Cool.
" Then the song changed to Crockett's Theme by Jan Hammer.
And I was like that, "Right, so soon we'll be seeing a wee "Jan Hammer, Crockett's Theme in yella, I get it now.
" Lionel Ritchie, Hello.
That was in white.
Right.
Here I Go Again, Whitesnake, that was in white an'aw.
Cool.
Guess what comes up in yella.
You guessed it.
Circle in the Sand by Belinda Carlisle.
I was like that What?! Then the song came on.
But nae mention of Jan Hammer, no'once.
People are like that, "Dee Dee, you must be going braindeid, "just sitting about doing fuck-all all day.
" But I must have been the only guy that spotted that, man.
D'you wanna go faster? Then scre-e-e-e-e-am! Get on the outside, the left side's the best side.
Scream if you want to go faster, scream, scream, scream! I'd like to move on now and talk about your first real taste of the West End stage environment.
At the age of 19, you were thrust into the lead role of Hamlet.
A very young age to take on such a prominent role, usually reserved for actors of around twice the age.
I mean, that must have been a very proud achievement for you.
Sure.
Previous to myself playing Hamlet, it was generally regarded as a as a role for 30-year-olds, 40-year-olds, but Stuart Havish of the Windsor Theatre, who was the director of the Windsor Theatre at the time, he gave me my big break, as it were, and I I haven't looked back since.
So it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis, tis great, yeah, very proud achievement.
Well, ladies and gentleman, that's the end of the show.
Hope you've enjoyed it.
See you later.
Bye-bye.