Lip Sync Battle UK (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Tonight on Lip Sync Battle, it's beauty versus the beast.
I'll let you decide who's who because it's Jorgie Porter! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who's up against the beast, Rufus Hound! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This is Lip Sync Battle UK.
(APPLAUSE) T.
REX: 20th Century Boy Friends say it's fine Friends say it's good Everybody says it's just like rock n' roll Well it's plain to see You were meant for me yeah I'm your boy Your 20th century toy (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the boss, it's Mel B! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (YELLS) Welcome to Lip Sync Battle UK! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The game is simple, two stars lip sync two songs and the audience decide who did it best.
The mics may be off, but the battle is definitely on.
- Are you all ready? - AUDIENCE: Yeah! He's our very own rap battle champion making him the perfect man to judge tonight's epic battle.
Make some noise for Professor Green! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's gonna be a good one tonight.
I've got a good feeling.
These lot sound amazing.
I'm excited for our guests and what they're gonna bring to the stage.
We've got the winner of two big celebrity dance competitions, and Jorgie is fresh out the jungle so she's up for anything! Well, thank you, Pro.
Are you guys ready for tonight's Lip Sync Battle? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well, let's welcome tonight's performers.
First up, he's one of the country's best comedians, finest actors, and greatest beard wearers.
Give it up for Rufus Hound! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, let's meet his opponent.
She's one of the nation's most-loved actresses who was last seen on TV with a crocodile's penis in her mouth! It's Jorgie Porter! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Are you two ready for this tonight? - Born ready.
I woke up this morning in the awareness that my entire life's been leading to this moment.
(LAUGHTER) How about you? I've been practising since I was four.
And yet you're still no good at it, what a shame! (AUDIENCE EXCLAIM) Do you know what each other is performing? No, no, we have been kept in the dark.
Yeah, I've just met you now.
Looking at you I'm guessing, Happy Birthday and Mary Had A Little Lamb.
(LAUGHTER) Do you know, you've ruined it, you've ruined it! One day you'll be allowed to listen to grown-up songs.
I can't wait to see you twerk! The competition has already started! So, we had to decide who's up first, and for no other reason than I say so cos I'm the boss and in charge - Rufus, you're up first.
- OK! Jorgie, please make your way to the VIP bar.
Take a seat, relax.
OK, now Rufus, we are expecting big things from you.
Tell me you are not gonna disappoint.
All I know is that I'm a man with a heart full of dreams and those dreams are about to come true.
Do tell.
What is the first song? The first song I will be entertaining the masses with, Mel, is, And I Am Telling You by Jennifer Holliday.
Jennifer Holliday, not Jennifer Hudson? Not Jennifer Hudson, Jennifer Hudson did a lovely job in the remake, but Holliday is the queen of that song.
And thus, must be performed here this evening.
OK, kicking the evening off with I Am Telling You by Jennifer Holliday give it up for Rufus Hound.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (MUSIC BEGINS) And I'm not goin' You're the best man I've ever known There's no way I can ever, ever go No, no, no, no, way I'm not livin' without you Oh I'm not livin' without you I'm not livin' without you I don't wanna be free I'm stayin', I'm stayin' And you, and you, and you You're gonna love me Yeah You're gonna love me yeah Ooh, ooh, love me Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh love me Love me, love me Love me You're gonna love Me (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) MEL B: Rufus! Oh my gosh! The intensity came from here just What was going on? You've got to start in the womb and work upwards.
(LAUGHTER) Do you feel you've bought your A game? I don't think you can do better than that, with this and with that! - Jorgie, what did you think? - I hope you've not peaked too soon.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIM) I'll have you know, Jorgie, that is normally my problem.
(LAUGHTER) Professor Green, your verdict on what we just saw.
I thought that was incredible.
It was incredibly intense.
I'm a little bit worried we might have seen your sex face.
(LAUGHTER) - Honestly - No, my sex face is this.
(SOFTLY) Sorry! (LAUGHTER) Head over to the bar, Rufus.
Pour yourself a well-deserved drink.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIM) (LAUGHS) Jorgie, get yourself over here.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, you've got round one in the bank, right? Of course I have! I've got a hat on backwards.
What is your song? Jason Derulo, Talk Dirty To Me.
(CHEERING) Hitting back with Talk Dirty by Jason Derulo, it's Jorgie Porter! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (HIP-HOP MUSIC BEGINS) Get jazzy on it I'm that flight that you get on International First class seat on my lap girl Riding comfortable 'Cause I know what The girl them need New York to Haiti I got lipstick stamps On my passport You make it hard to leave Been around the world Don't speak the language But your booty Don't need explaining All I really need to understand is When you talk dirty to me (CHEERING) Talk dirty to me Talk dirty to me Talk dirty to me Get jazzy on it You know the words to my songs No habla ingles Our conversations ain't long But you know what is I know what the girl them want London to Taiwan I got lipstick stamps On my passport I think I need a new one Been around the world Don't speak the language But your booty Don't need explaining All I really need to understand is When you talk dirty to me (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I didn't actually know that you had like, that, in you! That was proper grimy and down and wine and go down.
- I've been saving it.
- You've been saving it? Now, you look like a proper pop star on this floor right now.
Is that something you maybe wanted to be when you were younger or ? I've always wanted to be a pop star but I can't sing! (LAUGHTER) - This is the greatest thing ever.
- Most pop stars can't sing! Which I am! (LAUGHTER) - Rufus, your thoughts? - Yeah.
I saw you go, "Nothing!" Nothing, when I heard the show was called Lip Sync Battle I didn't think it was those lips! (AUDIENCE EXCLAIM) You need two.
You need both.
Really, Rufus? It was like a duet! (LAUGHTER) Pro? How was that for you? Moving along swiftly.
It's a very close one but definitely a competition, one of the best of the season so far I'd say.
Make some noise! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, that's it for round one but don't go anywhere, as Rufus is about to go all mediaeval on our arses, and Jorgie's gonna leave everyone needing a cold shower, yes, she is.
These two are about to pull out all the stops to get their hands on that belt in round two of tonight's Lip Sync Battle UK.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Lip Sync Battle UK! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So far, we've seen Rufus Hound hit the big notes And Jorgie Porter rap the rude ones! Anything could happen now as it's time for round two where our stars up their game and do whatever it takes to claim tonight's title and become our Lip Sync Battle champion! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) First up is Jorgie and here is how she prepared for tonight.
JORGIE: I have been lip syncing since I was about four with all different types of brushes, combs, annoying my family because nobody likes to hear me sing.
When people listen to me sing, they don't ever compliment me.
You can do this! I don't know Rufus that well but I know he's not really great at anything really.
I'll probably spit in his eye when I first meet him.
Probably not on purpose just because I sometimes spit when I talk! I'm gonna say really nice things about Rufus because he's just so lovely.
My mum's always said to me, "Don't say things you don't want said about you.
" She never said don't write it down! Has any one ever, like, written anything bad about you? Written anything bad about me? No, I am universally adored.
Rufus Hound, you're really round! I'm gonna play mind games with Rufus.
I've got a few things planned.
(INDISTINCT) I grew up loving the final artist I'm gonna perform, and she is still amazing to this day and I truly love her and hope I do her proud.
Rufus - - (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I know I may be young (CHEERING) But I've got feelings too And I need to do What I feel like doing So let me go and just listen All you people look at me Like I'm a little girl Well did you ever think it'd be OK For me to step into this world? Always saying Little girl don't step into the club Well I'm just trying To find out why 'Cause dancing's what I love, yeah Get it-get it, get it-get it, ooh Get it-get it, get it-get it, what? Get it-get it, get it-get it, ooh I know I may come off quiet May come off shy But I feel like talking Feel like dancing when I see this guy What's practical? What's logical? What the hell, who cares? All I know is I'm so happy When you're dancing there I'm a slave for you I cannot hold it I cannot control it I'm a slave for you I won't deny it I'm not trying to hide it Baby, don't you want to Dance up on me? To another time and place Oh baby, don't you want to Dance up on me? Are you ready? Let's go Leaving behind my name and age (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (MUSIC ENDS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) MEL B: Wowser! I want to go to your gym right now! (LAUGHTER, CHEERING) Oh, Rufus.
What's wrong? (LAUGHTER) I've seen actual pornography that was less filthy than that! Just the usual gym session(!) It's cheating, that's one thing I'd say.
Oh, don't start with the rules! I make the rules! But, I have to say all the boys' faces in the audience are like, "Oh, my God!" Pro, seriously, how was it for you? You had the perfect view of everything going on.
I must say everyone has got great gym etiquette cos obviously I spend a lot of time in the gym, and it does my nut in when people use weights and don't put them away but clearly these are quite tidy people! - Jorgie, were you pleased with that? - I've peaked, honestly peaked.
But, before we see what Rufus has got planned, let's check out how he got ready for tonight's Lip Sync Battle.
Is this a battle? That's what you've got to ask.
This doesn't feel like a battle, more like a whitewash.
I thought this would be a good time to connect with the fans.
Sure, I've asked for a few questions and these are they.
Question one, how do I look after my lips? Wrong question.
How am I gonna look after your lips? Right question.
Full warm-up required.
Theatre lips.
(EXHALES AIR RAPIDLY) Are we both actors? Technically, I suppose we are.
Has she performed three Shakespeare plays in a day? No.
Has she had to repeatedly weep because somebody in the pub said something about her on Facebook? Probably.
I'm glad he thinks I'm stupid so he won't realise how clever I am.
That's exactly the sort of thing a stupid person would say! What's my pre-performance routine? Same as everyone, two wanks and a cup of tea.
And then another wank.
Get out there.
Do what you do.
This could be wonderful.
I always feel confident.
It's the blessing of having an enormous penis.
- That's not what I've heard.
- (LAUGHS) Well It's not whether you win, it's not whether you lose, it's how you play the game.
You know who said that? A loser! It's all about winning so fucking watch out! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) WILL SMITH: Boom! Shake The Room Yo back up now And give a brother room The fuse is lit And I'm about to go boom Mercy mercy, mercy me My life is a cage But on stage I'm free Hyped up, psyched up Ready for wil'in' Standing in a crowd of girls Like an island I see the one I want Come here cutie I flip 'em around And then I work that booty Work the body Work work the body Slow down girl You're 'bout to hurt somebody Oh and yo let's get Just one thing clear There's only one reason Why I came here Ya really done want me to Tig-a-tig-a-tig-a tell ya wassup go! Ya really done want me to tig-a-tig A-tig-a tell ya wassup go! Ya really done want me to Tig-a-tig-a-tig-a tell ya wassup go! I came here tonight To hear the crowd go Boom, shake, shake, shake the room Boom, shake, shake Shake the room Boom, shake, shake, shake the room Tic, tic, tic, tic, boom Yo are y'all ready for me yet? Pump it up, Prince Yo, are y'all ready for me yet? Pump it up, Prince Well, here I go, here I go Here I, here I go yo Dance in the aisles When the Prince steps to it The rhyme is a football, y'all An' I went an' threw it Out in the crowd an' yo It was a good throw How do I know? Because the crowd went hoo In response to the way That I was kickin' it Smooth an' individual Rhymes always original Like the Dr Jekyll man An' this is my Hyde side I am the driver An' you're on a rap ride So fellas? Yeah? Are y'all wit me? Yeah I said fellas? Yeah? Are y'all wit me? Yeah Why don't you tell the girls What y'all wanna do Ya wanna ooh ahh ahh ahh ahh ooh That's right Yo an' I'm in the flow So pump up the volume Along with the tempo I want everybody In the house to know I came here tonight To hear the crowd go Boom, shake, shake, shake the room Boom, shake, shake, shake the room Boom, shake, shake, shake the room Tic, tic, tic, tic, boom Boom, shake, shake, shake the room Boom, shake, shake, shake the room Boom, shake, shake, shake the room Tic, tic, tic, tic, boom (WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Rufus! What the bloody hell was going on there then?! I just kind of went route one, first idea off the top of my head, this is what we ended up with.
PROFESSOR GREEN: Looks like he's got a Prince Albert! (LAUGHTER) I hadn't even noticed that! How did I not notice that?! (LAUGHTER) What is that, what is it? Come on, Mel, you've got children.
You know what that is! (LAUGHTER) What is it? It's full all the way to the end.
Careful with that thing.
(LAUGHTER) Is there something in it? Jorgie, what did you think? I was so impressed! What is that though? I'm very curious what it is.
I still don't really get it.
I don't think it was peeking out the whole way through, it just appeared.
(LAUGHTER) Because of this beautiful audience! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, please make sense of this, please.
I can't make sense of it.
It got a bit kinky with the pig as well.
I was worried it was gonna be a conservative performance.
(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) David Cameron wants his pig back! (LAUGHS) It's good! We're doing politics on Lip Sync Battle! - Yeah, who knew? - Boom! Jorgie, come over here.
I need some help.
We need to get Professor Green's final thoughts on tonight's battle.
Well, you two are the most committed guests we've had on here.
- 100%, you really, really were.
- Yes, yes, yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You were both brilliant but sadly it's not up to me.
We're gonna let the audience decide.
Professor Green, the belt, please.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Is the winner Rufus Hound? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Or is the winner Jorgie Porter? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Right, the winner and Lip Sync Battle champion is (AUDIENCE YELLING, HANDS BANGING) Rufus Hound! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - How do you feel? - I feel surprised.
Because if I was in the audience I'd have voted for Jorgie.
- Aw, are you just saying that? - Yes, I absolutely am! (LAUGHTER) Make sure you join us for our next Lip Sync Battle UK.
From me, Professor Green, Jorgie and Rufus, good night! Good night! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)