Little Britain (UK) s01e03 Episode Script

Britain, Britain, Britain! There's an old saying in Britain, "Britain is top banana.
" Yeah! But why is it so great? Well, I'll tell you why it.
It's because of the people that live in Britain.
And it is these people what we will be following in this award-breaking series.
Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister, one of the most important people in this country after myself and my friend Colin Graham, is going through the morning papers with his aide Sebastian.
- What about the broadsheets? - "Guardian" go with "Disaster for government.
" The "Times", "Prime Minister under fire.
" The "Telegraph", "Black day for PM.
" - You all right, Sebastian? - Yeah, just got something in my eye.
"Independent", "Poll defeat puts PM on the ropes.
" - Want a tissue? - No, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
The tabloids? What does the "Sun" say? (SOBBING) Oh, no! - What? - I can't show you.
Come on, it can't be all that bad.
They've said you're dead as a dodo.
You're not as dead as a dodo! - All right, Sebastian.
- You're not as dead as a dodo! - Come on.
You're being very silly.
- I'm not! (INCOHERENT SOBBING) It doesn't matter.
Don't get upset.
I'm not upset.
I want you to be Prime Minister for ever.
- I'm not planning on going anywhere.
- Good.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello.
OK, thank you.
I'll be down.
Thank you.
My car's here, Sebastian.
- I have to leave now.
- OK.
Where are we going? Thank you, Sebastian.
That will be all.
Pubs are very popular in Britain, with over five pubs per person.
Packet of pork scratchings.
Another packet of pork scratchings.
Box of matches.
Anything else? And four pints of snakebites, please.
Have you got any ID? No, but yeah, but no, Albany said I'd said Samina's got a moustache, which she has.
But Paul told Yasmin I showed him my tit on the school trip to Wookey Hole, but I never.
- If you ain't got ID, I'm not serving you.
- No, ask Kevin's brother.
He reckons I look 15.
Anyway, my friend Theresa goes to school with Gary Soper's sister, and he's the hardest person in Cotham, 'cause once he found a tyre and threw it at a swan.
- Come on, get out.
- I have got ID but I burnt it.
I don't need it.
- You've dropped your ID card, Vicky.
- Yeah, I just remembered I never burnt it.
That's SO unfair! Hayley went down the Firkin and they gave her four Pernod and blacks.
She's so lucky.
She's got her own council flat, three kids, and she's only nine.
- I'm not serving you.
- Don't matter, 'cause we've got one of these.
Come on.
Let's go.
This place is rubbish.
As a special treat, Lou has taken his friend Andy to the seaside.
Right, can I have, please, a whippy with a flake? Have you decided what you're having? What do you want? - Just a cone.
- And another whippy, plain.
- No, just a cone.
- Just a cone on its own? No whippy? - Yeah.
- It'll be very dry.
- Yeah, I know.
- Tell you what.
Have a little bit of ice cream.
You like ice cream.
You said it was the perfect complement to a hot summer's day.
- What's it to be? - Cone.
And then just a cone on its own.
Thank you.
I want a whippy.
0ver at Kelsey Grammar School Right.
We have a new boy here today.
One or two of you will know him already.
He's been put down a year from the fourth year and his name is Thorpe.
Say hello, Thorpe.
All right? If you need an operation in Britain, you can either perform it yourself in your home or you can check into a hospital.
At Saint Mohammed's in Shriek, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig has gone to see his mother.
That puts me on 84.
Your go.
- Want some help, love? - No, thank you, Mother.
- What's that? - "Cupboardy.
" - That's not a word.
- It is.
It means "cupboard-like".
Well, I've never heard of that.
Pass me the dictionary.
Mother, look into my eyes.
The eyes.
Don't look around the eyes.
Into the eyes.
You're under.
In a moment, you will believe that "cupboardy" is an actual word, not a word that I made up.
Three, two, one, you're back in the room.
Oh, "cupboardy".
As in "cupboard-like".
Well done.
- That puts you on 106.
- Yeah, 106.
Hello, Mrs Craig.
Is this your toy boy (?) No, this is my son Kenny.
Oh, yes, of course.
The famous hypnotist.
- Who is winning? - I am.
I'm winning.
- He just put down "cupboardy".
- "Cupboardy"? There's no such word.
Look into my eyes.
The eyes.
Don't look around the eyes.
Look into my eyes.
You're under.
"Cupboardy" is an actual word in the dictionary.
You did the toy-boy gag last week and it didn't work then.
Drop it.
Three, two, one, you're back in the room.
You're right, Mrs Craig.
He can't really do it.
Oh, thanks (!) (RINGING) - I don't want to buy any dusters.
- No, we need a room.
- We're full.
- It's says "vacancies".
- No, we're full.
- Any other guest houses you can recommend? Not in this town, no.
Good day.
- Let's just go home.
- Yeah.
Just as one group is finishing at this community centre, another begins.
Inside, the weekly "FatFighters" meeting has just begun.
I have never suffered from obesity myself, although I do have one very fat hand.
Crisps.
High in fat, low in fat? Anyone? - Crisps.
Paul? - High in fat.
High in fat, but low in protein and low in fibre, so it's not all bad news.
OK.
Another one.
Er Lettuce.
Lettuce.
High in fat, low in fat? What do we think? Lettuce.
Moira? - Low in fat.
- Sorry? - Low in fat.
- Again.
Low in fat.
She said, "Low in fat"! All right, don't patronise her.
Low in fat.
Well done.
OK, we've got time for just one more.
Dust.
Anybody? No? High in fat, low in fat? Dust.
Anybody? No? Dust.
Anybody? No? Dust.
Anybody? No? Dust.
It's actually very low in fat.
You can have as much dust as you like.
OK, moving on.
Today is a very special day at "FatFighters".
We have a new member.
She is a new member.
Her name is Barbara, and, would you believe, we are related.
Is she your daughter? No, she's my sister.
- Nice to see you, Barbara.
- Thank you.
There are normally more people, but Hank Marvin's playing the Pavilion tonight.
Stay where you are.
So, big hello to Barbara.
- Hello.
- Hello.
She can't speak English and he's married, so no luck.
Not that that usually stops you.
It's funny.
When we were growing up, Barbara used to tease me.
Do you remember? - No.
- You used to say I was a greedy-guts.
The shoe is now on the other sock, because I may be one or two pounds overweight, but YOU are SOMETHING ELSE! She's had two kids, each by different men.
But that's not for here.
And she's piled it on.
Well, I want to lose about a stone.
A stone? More like five.
Anyway, what's important is, we're here to help.
What advice can we give to Barbara to turn her tragic life around? Paul? - Cut out biscuits.
- Cut out biscuits.
Good.
Anyone else? Mary? Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea.
Something about sugar.
But, really, the most useful advice is to look at the person inside.
You're obviously an incredibly unhappy person.
- No, I'm not.
- You deserve to be.
Mum doesn't speak to you.
She thinks if you died, the world would be a better place.
Mum speaks to me.
I spoke to her yesterday.
Barbara, we'd be grateful if you could leave family matters for outside.
Thanks.
OK, the weigh-in.
Let's start with, er Barbara.
Will you be all right to get up, or will you need sticks? Right, you may have noticed we have a new boy here today.
His name is Uppingham, and he comes to us from the 17th century.
Say hello, Uppingham.
Hello.
(VIRTUOSO PLAYING) What time does Sainsbury's shut tonight? Eight? Oh, shit.
On a Thursday? It's evening at the Scarecrow and Mrs King pub in the Welsh mining village of Llandewi Breffi.
- Another Bacardi and Coke, please, Myfanwy.
- Coming right up.
I wish there were things for gay people to do.
It's lonely being the only gay in the village.
What are you on about? There's loads of things to do.
Just look in the local paper.
Now Lesbians, bisexuals, trans-gender Here we are.
Gay section.
There you go.
There's a gay night on Thursdays at the BJ and the Bear pub in Aberfanwy.
Oh, no.
I couldn't get over to Aberfanwy.
- It's only half a mile away.
- No, the stone path is quite treacherous.
But the number 4 goes to Aberfanwy.
Oh, no, I couldn't possibly get on a bus.
I'm gay, you see.
Gay men's choir.
Gay rambling society.
Gay book club.
Gay sex club.
Gay Nation of Islam.
Not much going on, is there? Oh, gay Trekkies.
Now, that is right up your street.
You love "Star Trek", don't you? Well, I don't like "Deep Space Nine".
Gay Trekkies meet on Mondays at eight o'clock.
- I've missed it.
- Right here.
- Let me see that.
- That must be them over there.
- They don't look like "Star Trek" fans to me.
- Of course they are.
- Well, they can't be gay.
- I tell you, dear, he was hung like a Klingon! Go over and talk to them.
No, I couldn't possibly walk over there.
These hot pants give me terrible chafing.
Daffyd.
(SQUEAKING) Greetings.
I've just been speaking to the barmaid.
She says would you mind drinking up and leaving? They don't want your sort here.
- Well, I did try.
- (SQUEAKING) Have you got any Savlon? I'm red raw down here.
With nothing on the telly but repeats of "Dr Who", "Medics" and that episode of "Blackadder Il" I'm in, Lou and his friend Andy choose a videotape.
- Have you seen anything you might like? - I want that one.
That one? - That is "Pride and Prejudice".
- Yeah, I know.
- I'm not sure you'll like that one.
- I want that one.
It's all set in the olden days.
No, I'm not sure you'll like that.
- You like Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal.
- Yeah, I know.
Just to be safe, why don't we get a film with guns in it as well, in case you don't like this? - I want that one.
- You know I'm going to see Maria.
- I can't get another one if you don't like it.
- Yeah, I know.
- Are you sure you want this one? - Yep.
I don't like it.
Well, I'm sorry, but you're stuck with it.
I told you.
I've got to go and see Maria.
I'll be back around six.
(ACTION MUSIC) # Monster Trucks, Monster Trucks, Monster Trucks # 0h, I do like to be beside the seaside.
0h, I do like to be beside the seaside, as the famous song goes.
At his guest house, not-very-good transvestite Emily Howard is showing a gentleman round.
I don't normally allow single gentlemen to take rooms.
No, a lady ought not open her house to menfolk.
- What lady? - Me.
I am a lady.
- Are you? - Yes.
This will be your room.
It was going to be a nursery.
Being a lady, which I am, I was rather hoping to have children one day.
- Really? - Yes! But it wasn't to be.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
This is my room.
It has my lady's things in it.
My lotions, my petticoats, my lady's things.
- You must not come in here.
- Sorry.
Come in.
Oh, er Don't know what they're doing there.
You must know there is no lock on the door.
A man like you could burst in and see me in the altogether.
- We don't want that.
- Yes, we do.
So, er how much did you say it was? Well it's a guinea for the night.
But this is a lady's house and there are rules.
- Oh, yes? - No tobacco smoke.
No coarse language.
And I lock the door at 8 p.
m.
Sharp.
- That might be a problem.
I'm working late.
- Really? What do you do? - Might interest you.
I'm a female impersonator.
- Wot? Yes, I'm appearing at Bachelors.
Miss Terri Lene.
Get out! Get out! Agh! It's disgusting! Vamoose! Get out of my house! - Go! - Don't worry, pal, I'm off.
Just out of interest, who does your dresses? Tower blocks were introduced to Britain in the 1960s and were an instant success.
People love the sense of social alienation, entrapment and the stench of urine in the lifts.
Here on the seventh floor, theatrical leg-end Bernard Chumley is preparing for a visit from an aspiring young actor.
Ah, you must be Joe.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Do Do come in, young Joe.
Through there.
It's the It's the room at the end, young Joe.
Please, do take a seat.
That one's a bit wet.
- Tea? - Thank you.
I read your letter with great interest.
Have you written to lots of other important actors? Yes, but nobody else has actually invited me round to their home.
Well, it was such a charming letter.
And the, er photograph.
And so, er Tea? Thank you.
Yes, it was so exciting to pass the audition and get a place at RADA, but the fees are astronomical, £6,000 a year.
- Do help yourself to a potato crisp.
- Thank you.
So, who else did you write to? - Well, Sir Derek Jacobi wrote a nice letter.
- Terrible stutter.
- And Sir Anthony Hopkins.
- He's a "sir" now, is he? - He gave me £200.
- Bastard! Didn't send me a penny.
You've always wanted to be an actor, have you? Yes, ever since I was a boy I've spent every - Polo mint? - No.
I've spent every penny on the theatre.
I imagine you've seen Muggins here quite a few times.
- No.
- Oh.
Your sister Kitty I've heard of.
She had an accident.
Yes.
Terrible.
Lost the use of her legs.
Of course, I can look back at it now and laugh, but at the time it was very - Boiled egg? - Oh.
No, thank you.
(KNOCKING ON WALL) Don't worry, Kitty! It's just the gas man! - Maybe she needs to go to the toilet.
- Oh, no, no, no.
She went yesterday.
- Got a girlfriend yet? - No.
I bet you have.
I bet all the girls are after you.
Yes, I'd better be off.
I'm having tea with Sir lan McKellen at the Savoy.
I see.
Sugar puff? - No, thank you.
- I didn't push her.
She fell.
Yes.
Actually, this is rather embarrassing.
Could you help me with my tuition fees? Yes.
Yes, of course.
- There you are.
- Thank you.
Have you got change? During the summer months, literally tens of people flock to Scotland for their holidays.
Oh, we're easy to find.
When you see the hanging tree, take a left.
When you come to the old well, take a right.
If ye pass a scarecrow, ye've come too far.
Yeah, that's right, opposite IKEA.
Ah, Squire Mackenzie, I trust you enjoyed your stay.
Yes, I shall be submitting a very positive review to the "Chronicle".
Just one thing.
The three courses for 15 poonds set menu.
Is that available on a Sunday? If you were to ask me on a Monday, I'd say ye-e-es.
If you were to ask me on a Tuesday, I'd say ye-e-es.
- If you were to ask me on a Wednesday - It's a very simple question.
- Do you serve the set menu on a Sunday? - If you ask me on a Monday, I'd say ye-e-es.
If you ask me on a Tuesday, I'd say (MERRY TUNE) ye-e-es.
- If you were to ask me on a Wednesday - Oven chips? Just through there.
Where was I? Oh, yes.
If you were to ask me on a Monday For goodness' sake, it's a simple question.
Do you serve the set menu on a Sunday? I'll tell ye, but through the medium of dance.
Children! (TOOTLING "SCOTLAND THE BRAVE") Does that answer your question? Right, you may have noticed we have a new boy here today.
His name is Charlie.
I don't want any of you to treat him any differently.
Say hello to everybody, Charlie.
Hello, Charlie.
Yes, he's a dog.
This is the residence of Dame Sally Markham, the famous novelist.
I had a house like this, until I lost it.
If you find it, please post it back to me, care of the BBC.
Thank you.
Young Toby was having a ripping time on his toboggan.
Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee How many pages? Clarissa was similarly overjoyed.
Yahoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooo "Oh, dear," she said.
"I've hurt myself.
" Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaa Oh, publish.
Today, former 0lympic athlete Denver Mills has been booked to promote Hug-a-Leper Week.
Thank you for helping us at short notice, Steve.
- Denver.
- Denver.
Sorry.
Is Geoff Capes all right? The Capester? He'll be fine.
He just had to have his dog put down and he's a bit upset about that.
He's only doing the bigger-money jobs this week.
- Have you got your speech? - Got it right here, boss.
Hug-a-Leper Week is all about dispelling myths about leprosy.
About bloody time.
There are people who think that lepers are still banished to colonies.
- They're not, are they? - No.
Some people think that lepers' limbs just fall off.
No, I mean, that's just That's just wrong.
For too long, people who suffer from leprosy have been the butt of jokes.
That's got to stop.
Yeah.
- You want to go through your speech? - No, I'll be fine.
- Fruit pastille? - Thanks.
Couldn't get me one, could you? Thank you.
I tell you, I missed these out in Ghana.
- What were you doing in Ghana? - Missionary work.
That's when I caught leprosy.
- Thankfully, mine has been cured now.
- Has it? But today you'll meet lots of people in various stages of the disease.
Oh, no.
I pressed "reset" instead of "start".
Have to do it again.
Just get you some more eggs.
And so we conclude our journey round Britain.
I hope you've enjoyed the shoe.
Sorry, I won't be here next week as I'm going into hospital to have a hysterectomy.
Good byte!