Little Demon (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

Come on, bud.
You don't slither into Delaware
from the Plorble Realm
to hang out in the Hamboni's
parking lot, okay?
- Why are you here?
- What's your plan?
More? Okay.
Spit it out, you goblin fuck.
Ladies' night!
I'm finally getting you
out of the house
and into The Coconut Hole
Frozen fireballs served by
bulging hunks in tight shorts.
Yeah, change of plans, Darlene.
I got my hands full right now.
Bastards like this
keep showing up.
I think they're drawn
to Chrissy or something.
Uh-uh, no more living like
you're in witness protection.
You promised
tonight's the night.
Chrissy's at her dad's
for the weekend.
Which means I actually have
a night to myself,
and I'd rather not
spend it surrounded by
spray-tanned lemmings
drinking daiquiris
until their Cialis kicks in.
Listen, I get it.
After my first marriage ended,
I was terrified to get back
out there, leave the house.
- I'm not scared.
- I have a routine and I like it.
I'd make up excuses:
"Gotta fix a leaky pipe."
- "I have syphilis."
- This is not an excuse.
I don't have time
to dick around with dicks.
But then Tia Saltzman
forced me
out onto the dance floor,
and a phoenix Darlene
rose from the goddamn ashes.
Aah! I'll go out if you just
stop talking, okay, Darlene?
- Yes!
- You, don't get cozy.
I'm coming back for your ass.
- Okay, one drink, though.
- Watch out, Middle town.
It's Laura and Darlene's
big night out!
Title sequence.
And then at 10:00 p. M.,
they sound a bullhorn,
and the first one
up the tiki pole
gets a bowl of Ever clear
poured in their mouth.
Aren't you glad you came out?
There are two separate men
masturbating
in two separate corners.
- Ooh, cutie at five o'clock.
- Hot tip: take his compliment.
Then tease with a spicy
little secret about yourself.
Hi. Your soul is gorgeous.
Thank you.
You should see the scar
from the vaginal tear I had
when birthing my daughter.
Jeez, that was
some sweet meat you just burnt.
Maybe put some sugar
in it next time.
- There won't be a next time.
- I'm out.
What? We just got here.
I did what you asked
and what I told you I'd do.
If I stay any longer,
I will kill someone.
But you haven't even seen
the Kahlúa Crab Canoe yet.
Yeah, close me out
before I repaint
the bathroom walls
with my brain.
Hurry it up, asshole.
Need the fuck outta here.
Surely someone
with your disposition
would know a place with a motto.
"Have a Hula-va good time"
would be a living disease.
And surely you're perceptive
enough to know
hitting on me is a dead end.
I'm here merely
as a social observer,
soaking in the waning
sexual rhythms
of these septuagenarians
for my latest novella.
Uh-huh.
So how long have you been
a serial killer?
I'm what?
The fishing line marks
on your hands,
binocular indents
around your eyes,
minor abrasions
on your forearm and cheekbone.
Last one put up a fight?
And either you're Forrest Gump,
or
Ooh, yup, that's a billy club.
Two Marys, extra bloody.
Who are you?
I'm just a single girl
looking for a fun night out.
- Let me get that.
- No, no, it's on me.
Okay.
Ketamine, really?
You trying to murder me
or disappoint me?
Mama's got the antidote, though.
- Dog piss aftertaste
- tromaxadam?
Who are you, my psychiatrist?
What's more obvious
is the needle up your sleeve.
You'll never stick me
before I fry your balls.
- Everett.
- Laura. Tell you what.
I'll let you stab me once
to stroke your ego.
A single thrust
is all I'll need.
♪They say my dad the devil ♪♪
♪Is a real evil fellow ♪♪
♪But that's just
a bucket of lies ♪♪
♪Thanks, my little angel ♪♪
♪You see the other angle ♪♪
♪I want what's best
for you and mankind ♪♪
♪I'm the Antichrist ♪♪
♪And I'll sign the pact ♪♪
♪Because I love my dad ♪♪
♪Let's make a contract ♪♪
In fact, we can start right now.
What a production!
Maximus Dawnus, here we come!
I love you, Dad.
Boo!
- Excuse me.
- Pardon me, pardon me.
Hey, cabbie!
Get out of the way!
- I thought you were into it.
- Really?
You thought I'd be into
a puppet propaganda show
all about signing your pact?
- You got me there.
- Playwright lacked subtlety.
I'm going home.
- Home?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't go.
I wanted to spend
quality time with you,
but obviously
that's impossible, so
- Aw, come on.
- Yeah, I have friends to see,
homework to do,
Great British Bake Off to binge.
Give me one more shot.
You think this was all
I had planned today?
Oh, no, I got a whole afternoon
mapped out.
You're gonna crap your pants,
you're gonna love it so much.
Come on, baby.
Smaller than I imagined.
I wanna make you wet
with your own blood.
I'm gonna open you up and see
how hard your bones are.
Laura? You decided to stay!
You and your cutie
wanna head to 'Rokey in a bit?
Let's take this
someplace private.
- Oh, getting right to it.
- Okay.
Kind of a 180,
but do your thing, girl.
Get that big old bass.
Nice and tight.
I've been pulled tighter.
I know we just met, but
What do you say
we go all the way?
Wow, and that's just
the tip, huh?
Oh, my God, I killed a man.
Darlene, why did you do that?
Well, I was saving you
Single White Female style.
- I wasn't in trouble.
- I was totally fine.
- I was doing a thing.
- Thing? What kind of thing?
He was about to chop you up.
Yeah, that's what
serial killers do,
but I was gonna kill him
eventually.
I brought you out
to get you away
from torturing monsters
in dark garages.
And here you are in a dark
alley with another monster?
Oh, you're one to judge.
You lure innocent
Instacart shoppers
into your house
with candy and cheese plates.
How I please
those Instacart shoppers
is a gift for everyone involved,
and I want you to experience
that fun in your life.
No offense, Darlene, but you
don't know what I need, okay?
Okay, I'm actually great at
picking up on what people need.
I'm an Aries.
Well, I need you
to guard the entrance
so I can clean up this mess
and head home.
Stay here, and don't move.
Laur, I'm gonna be blunt.
I've read enough Brené Brown
to spot a self-saboteur
when I see one.
Darlene, what the hell?
I told you to watch the door.
Liquesco is a fragile
and extremely powerful
compound, okay?
It can open fissures
to hidden corners of the Earth,
but if any type
of liquid touches it
This looks like
as good a place as any
to urinate.
No! Motherfu
Ew. Ugh.
How much longer
is this gonna be?
You couldn't have just, like,
blammo'd to us
to wherever we're going?
You'd think they'd have
a better system by now,
but the only way to travel
to other realms
on this plane of existence
is public transportation.
We're going to another realm?
The Metaphysical Realm
is just one of a shit ton
across the Demicorporeal Plane.
Imagine this whole place
as a shopping mall
and the realms
are like the stores in it.
The one we're going to
is like Hot Topic
but with fornication
and genocide.
Next stop: Wibby Turkle Realm.
Wibby Turkle, next stop.
I used to come here when
it was a genuine piece of shit.
Now it's a tourist trap.
Get your Choochie tchotchkes.
- Get your Choochie tchotchkes.
- Don't worry.
I got us the VIP treatment.
Welcome.
Mmm.
Ugh!
Ooh!
Whoa, do I get to keep this?
I weirdly like it.
You wanna give me a hint
of what we're doing here?
Let's just say
it's not a puppet show.
Welcome once again
to the number one game show
in all the realms,
the only show that killing
is legally required:
the Realm of Realms,
presented by Roach Automobiles.
What did you get us into?
You wanted you and me time.
No, like lunch or something,
not kill or be killed.
Chillax, we're not gonna bond
over a sandwich.
Trust me on this one.
And now your outstanding host
and executive producer
of everything Wibby Turkle,
the ruler who will fuck,
marry, and kill you,
the one and only
Queen Inichoochiama!
Choochie, Choochie,
Choochie, Choochie!
Hello, hello, hello,
all of my stupid-ass
Choochie babies.
Can I ask you something?
Yes, you can!
What do you want more than
anything in all the realms?
We wanna fuck a corpse.
I can't hear you.
We wanna fuck a corpse!
I've got a heck of a show
for you tonight, babies.
We have two very special vermin.
Once an exterminator
on our show,
the baddest boy in town,
and one of my faves,
welcome Satan.
How you doin', Chooch?
Well, now that you're here,
I'd be lying
if I didn't say wet.
- Eww!
- And he's joined
by his adorable
half-human daughter,
Cringey Christ.
It's Chrissy! And Feinberg.
They'll be facing off
against our exterminators,
the most powerful
and sociopathic creatures
from all corners of the realms.
Will our vermin survive,
or will they go bye-bye?
Let the games begin!
Ugh! What is this,
an open mic night?
The queen produces the most
craven torture chambers.
Ah, she's amazing.
Anyone got earplugs?
I hate this song.
Up next is the improv troupe.
The Whoopee Cushions,
doing a six-hour set.
Holy shit, this is awful.
Can we get a song lyric
from the audience?
And scene.
Here comes Typhon.
Remember, if it bleeds,
he can kill it.
If you think a death match
is how I wanna bond,
you really don't know me at all.
Your human conditioning
has kept you
from tapping into the real you.
This will help you let go.
No, this is child endangerment.
You messed up, Dad.
You're with an all-powerful
being, honey.
Don't worry.
Trust your instincts.
Check, please.
Don't forget
to rip your bartender.
What? This is your best move
as an all-powerful being?
Suck my ass, old man!
Someone get a breath mint.
Whoa!
See, endangerment
has its benefits.
Daddy-daughter killing time.
- That wasn't so bad.
- Only 23 to go.
23? Okay, fine.
Let's do it.
You son of a
biiiitch!
So is this, like, your,
uh, home away from home?
These are hidden pockets
on Earth
that most people
have no clue exist,
and this is
my little pocket, okay?
For junk.
Shit, I used up
the extra Liquesco.
Okay, plan B.
Gotta admit, more skeletons
than I was expecting
to see tonight.
They were all pieces of shit.
All right, can you shut up
for a second?
You got us stuck in this place.
I need to focus
on getting us out.
I think the real issue is you
have this place to begin with.
We can't all rosé the day away.
It's called self-preservation.
You know, Laur,
one of these days,
your stinger's gonna
sting you right back.
This is a guy I used to torture.
Don't say anything to him,
all right?
Mum's the word.
Oh-ho-ho, Laura!
My favorite person
in all the realms.
Jesus Christ,
I wish you were dead.
Oh, you said the same thing
last week.
- Last week?
- Darlene, Jimmy.
- Jimmy, Darlene.
- A pleasure.
Did Chrissy like
that summer scarf I made her?
It's hard to find
breathable materials.
I threw it away, asshole.
You and your shit are worthless.
Now, give me the cape chisel,
or I'll hang you
with your own nose again.
- Of course.
- I use it as a tea stirrer.
Oh, go fuck yourself.
Now I just need
five milligrams of goofer dust.
- You tortured him?
- He seems so nice.
I wanna pinch his cheeks,
maybe pet his snorkel.
That's not a sex thing, is it?
- Don't, Darlene.
- Ugh, who am I kidding?
I'm down either way.
- Don't even talk to him.
- In fact
Oh, shit!
Shit, it's a goofer dust gust.
I-I just I gotta get in there,
all right?
Don't move. Stay there.
Ah! Where are my manners?
Come on in.
Let me get you some Erberribble.
Sorry, that's what we call
urine-rehydrated bone powder.
- Mm fine, but I'm
- I'm not allowed to talk.
Oh! Whoa!
The DMV windows
Dad, heads up!
Oh, oh.
Don't worry, I got you, Pops.
Chrissy, get in here!
Hey, Dad, stab me.
Oh, thanks!
I hope he was an organ donor.
He just got a license to die.
Shit just got real ID.
That's the one to beat.
Man, I really do feel this
whole new connection to myself.
It's like
Beyond human comprehension?
Yes, totally.
Ooh, my Choochies.
Our contestants
have savagely murdered
every exterminator
who's crossed their path.
Now, for their final challenge,
an audience member will choose
the exterminator
our competitors must face.
So, Brad, who do you pick?
Queen, I choose the Manananggal.
I wanna see Satan
have a serious challenge,
and I also love her cookbook,
Cooking with Carcasses.
Gorgeous.
She's a fucking bat!
Shit! Dad!
- And I'm just winging it.
- Ow!
You okay, Daddio?
Oh, yeah, it's like wrestling.
Gotta play to the audience.
Pop's still on top.
But scoot over here
and blaze this son of a bitch!
That's hot.
Oh, it's sizzling.
Wow, I haven't seen anyone do
something like that since
- me.
- What was that?
You're tapping into the core
of your powers.
They're not just a tool
you can use.
They are you.
This is a taste of what
it's like to be all-powerful.
- Whoo!
- Tastes pretty damn good.
Imagine how good it would feel
to do this together
all the time.
We won, baby.
I should have known.
Chooch, honey, what's happening?
I knew something was wrong
from the moment the show began.
The Satan I knew could slay
a thousand enemies
while taking a shit.
I know why you're here,
and I won't let it happen.
- What?
- Wh-what's she talking about?
Don't listen to her, honey.
Wait, you can be hurt?
He's been losing power
for a long time now,
and the only way for him
to reclaim it is through you.
That's insane, Chrissy,
and completely untrue.
Think about it.
You carried him this whole show.
He desperately needs you.
She's lyin'.
She's been out to get me
ever since I stopped
coming on her show
and schtupped her mother.
Ha! Classic Satan:
minimizing a powerful woman
by calling her jealous
and out for revenge.
No one wins my game,
especially if you fucked my mom.
If you wanna prove
to your daughter
you have the power
You must beat me.
Get me out of here!
Come on,
why are you really doing this,
Chooch?
You know how it goes:
the bigger the death,
the higher the ratings,
the sweeter the
The sweeter the pussy, yeah.
Release the Choochie Coochies!
So how do you know Laura?
Oh, well, we're neighbors,
and I was hoping
we'd be besties soon,
but it's a work in progress.
That's great to hear.
Sometimes I worry about her,
everything she's been through
and all,
- the whole Satan thing
- Mm.
Her childhood being
no picnic, you know?
At her quinceañera,
the Titi Suzie cake debacle.
She tells you a lot, huh?
Deep down, Laura's a good person
and just wants to connect.
I wish I were as good as her.
Oh, Jimmy, you are.
You're such a kind,
good snorkel monster.
You
You think so?
Oh, my God, you kidding me?
You got a great personality,
a house,
what seems to be a job,
and if the schnoz
matches the schmeckle,
I'll call you the whole package.
Uh-oh!
Aah! Oh, damn it, Darlene!
- I said leave it to me.
- Oh!
Ego monsters are triggered
by compliments.
- Ego monster?
- When I catch you,
I'll turn you both
into trophies,
because I'm a winner!
It would have helped
if you actually
communicated that to me.
Fuck yourself,
you ugly elephant asshole!
What good would that have done?
I communicated I didn't
wanna go out tonight.
I communicated
to watch the door,
and you didn't listen.
You speak in fragments.
It's never enough info.
Oh, God.
And I brought you out tonight
because sometimes
friends gotta force friends
to do things
they don't wanna do
for their mental health.
I missed deliberately!
I hated that part of the ground!
I am so cool!
This is exactly
why I don't have friends.
I know what works for me.
This has been working for you?
You'd rather deal with monsters
instead of having drinks
with me?
At least I'd get a word in
instead of being steamrolled
by some delusional optimist.
Oh, I think he's getting tired.
- We're gonna be okay. Oh!
- What?
Oh, never mind.
"Oh, never mind."
Shut up, Darlene.
Chrissy, she's trying
to divide us.
We stick together, we're fine.
So break outta that bubble
and come help Daddy.
Chrissy!
I don't know why I let myself
believe you again.
I'm such an idiot.
You care more about this pact
than your own daughter.
- Not true.
- Do you even like me?
- Of course I do.
- What's my middle name?
- Girl Satan?
- What?
I don't fucking know.
Okay, fine. All right.
I brought you here
under false pretenses,
but I do care.
No, if you did,
you wouldn't have put me
through all this shit.
You are so goddamn selfish.
Why can't you just
be honest with me?
- Okay, okay.
- The queen is right.
I have lost a little power.
When you were born, part
of myself transferred to you.
I just want to make it
so no one can hurt us, honey.
Looks like the baddest boy
has become the saddest boy.
How you like that, TV land?
Uh, is this part of the show?
Oh, I know you're impressed,
because this is
objectively impressive.
This is why
your husband left you.
Ugh, typical Laura.
I'm sure
your husband misses you.
Oh, Jesus, Darlene,
you need to kill
his confidence, or we die.
Guess being toxic
isn't as easy for me
as it is for you.
Looking at your face
just jump-started my menopause.
Yeah, I'm toxic, okay?
Maybe I'm drawn to dark shit
because deep down,
I think I'm too screwed up
for anything better.
Uh snorkel monster?
More like
More like dorkel monster.
Okay, I'm shocked
that one worked.
Listen, I know I come off
as the perky neighbor type,
but I can handle fucked up.
I don't think you can handle
this fucked up.
Whoa!
Your children never call
because they hate you!
I only laughed at your
jokes to make you feel better.
I'm blasting us out of here
with this goofer dust bomb.
Start slinging insults.
Laura trapping you here
is a gift to the world.
My therapist told me everyone
has something to live for.
Clearly she's never met you.
I'd tell you to kill yourself,
but I'd feel bad for the knife!
Holy shit, Darlene, maybe
you can handle this fucked up.
Yeah, I can, babe.
Come on, goofer dust,
do your stuff!
- Hit the gas!
- Hold on, baby!
Hey, Jimmy, stick this
up your small snorkel dick.
Whoo!
Thanks for all
the constructive criticism.
Have a good one, pals.
And this is the alleged
Princess of Darkness
who is supposed
to bring upon Maximus Dawnus?
Look at this,
poor little bubble girl
can't even pop a bubble.
Death to Satan.
It's going to be fun
to watch you watch him
die.
Ah, yes!
Hot diggity dog!
That went better
than I thought it would.
Folks are gonna lose their shit.
You're a natural.
- Huh?
- Well, this was
kind of like
your debutante ball, you know,
to introduce your savagery
to all the realms.
But you almost died.
Meh, nah, I wasn't gonna
actually die.
I-I just wanted you to reach
your full potential,
and you did.
If that's true,
that is so fucked up.
You're one to talk.
I'm not the one who obliterated
an entire arena.
You should feel proud.
Maybe we get some waffles
to celebrate or
You good?
No, I'm not good.
I need a break.
And if you wanna be my father,
you need to be honest
from the start.
If not, I'm done.
Ow.
Hey, thanks for getting me
out of the house tonight.
That's what girlfriends do
for each other.
Yeah, yeah, I guess so.
Been a long time
since I pulled an all-nighter.
- I'm still kind of wired.
- You wanna go
To an underground casino
that uses Jell-O shots
as chips and get in a fistfight?
I was thinking
more like a diner.
Oh, the place on Elm
serves drinks late,
and the waiters all look like
Patrick Swayze in Road House.
Darlene, you dirty old rascal.
Oh, wait, hold up.
Sorry, I just had
to kill that goblin.
- Oh, yeah, that thing.
- Yeah.
You failed us!
You have no job, no dick.
Get out.
No!
No!
I know what I have to do.
- Hold up, what?
- Yup.
I'm gonna kill the girl
who shot my dick off.
Wow, so you no longer want
to kill the Antichrist
to save the world?
Nope.
I just wanna get her back
for getting my dick shot off.
You know, we've been friends
since we were in college,
and you've always been
the guy who
Purged the world
of demonic forces.
Yeah, that's changed.
I don't know if you ever got
your dick shot off,
but it narrows your scope.
- I like this for you.
- It's refreshingly simple.
Thanks, Tony.
Well, I should
probably head out.
I've got a little girl to kill.