Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s01e03 Episode Script

We're back with Wake up People.
Now folks, everybody knows that Freddy Topper goes out of his way to think the best of your muslims.
But that doesn't mean I'm gonna give my free pass.
Did you know that the lights at the Mercy mosque flicker on and off every night? Are they sending some kind of secret signals? I'm not saying there's any cause for paranoïa, but how much long will it be before we all speak in muslim? Keep your eyes open folks, don't let down your guardarino.
Now wake up people! Yes Mrs Birchwood will do, thank you.
Are you listening to this? Oh yes, lovely tune.
No ! Fred Topper, spewing his hate and talking about flickering lights and and that's one more reason why you need to fix the wiring.
It's on the top of my to-do list, for next week.
I'd love for it to be on your to-done list.
Well then consider it.
To-done.
But, I have to meet a very important client.
Hang on, before you go, I was planning on holding an open house next week.
I could really use your help.
- Did I say I'd help? - Not yet.
Good, cuz I can't.
Don't you care about helping improve the image of the muslim community? Absolutely, in my off-season.
Don't you care about bringing people together? A good great hobby, when I retire.
Don't you care about making dozens of new business contacts? As I was saying, I would love to help with the open house, what would you like me to do? I'll fix the lights.
S01E03 : The Open House vost english Transcript : [dx.]
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So, when are you planning to have the open house? As soon as possible.
It sounds like a great photo op.
You know what they say about photo ops? Hello photo op.
I'm pretty much out of town by the middle of the month, how about Sunday? Perfect.
A celebration of diversity.
That'll be our poster.
It's not gonna be one of these multi-culti-snooze-fest with long speeches and bad skeets, is it? No offence.
I'll cancel the camel ride.
Camel rides? - He's kidding.
- I know.
I'm going to gather input from everyone and boil it down to my own ten minutes presentation.
Oh, can I hand out brochures about my new tax plan? I don't know what taxes have to do with islamic You know what, I think I might have a conflict.
Come think of it, kids love tax brochures.
You'd make a good politician.
I like the work you've done on our family room, Yashir.
"Only use the best", this is my motto.
I thought your motto was "we build cheap".
I only have room for one motto on my truck.
There's just one problem, the lighting, it's a bit modern.
I can use all the stock, I keep everything.
If Mrs Birchwood wants new fixtures, no problem, no extra cost.
What's wrong with your lighting? I'll have my electricians fix this as soon as possible.
After they finished your house.
That's what I like to hear.
Now the Mrs wants a warmer feel.
She saw something in a hotel in Provence.
Wich provence? Manitoba or Sasquatchewan? You're witty, I like that.
Provence in France.
Importing from Europe is very expensive.
Good thing you're picking the difference then.
I did say that ? Yes, you did.
Another thing, all the rewiring has to be done by Sunday.
- My wife's birthday.
- This Sunday? I trust that's not a problem.
Twice as much time as I need.
Gimme some of your cards, I'll hand 'em out at the Club.
The Country Club ? Don't waste them on the caddies.
Don't worry, I never talk to caddies.
A mosque is not a tourist attraction.
I won't support the open house.
You don't support the fight against ignorance and hatred? I'd support it if white people weren't so ignorant and hateful.
People are afraid of things they don't understand.
That's true, that's why I'm afraid of Baber.
All these foreigners trooping in.
We're going to need security guards, metal detectors, bomb sniffing dogs.
Ok, if you're so worried about your personal safety, why don't you stay home this Sunday? This Sunday? No, that's impossible.
I've said I would fix the lights before the open house, I promised.
And? And it's twice as long as I need.
- So would you be home for dinner? - I should be.
What are we having? Couscous, Chicken Curry and a veggie stuffed stew.
Mom, you're really getting ambitious, in that case, I'll definitely be there, I've gotta get my purse.
You have to take already the corner too, right? - Of course ! - Good.
You're doing the cooking right? - Of course ! - Thank God ! Baber, you're being paranoïd.
Nothing bad is going to happen at the open house.
Nothing is going to happen, good or bad, unless Yasir fixes the lights.
He promised.
Promises? It means nothing to him.
My promises mean everything to me.
I promised to find a mosque by ramadan, I found a mosque.
I promised to find an imam, who would work for next to nothing Just say you'll get the lights fixed.
I'll fix the lights.
You just saying you'll get the lights fixed.
Yes, but - I will fix the lights.
These power surges are driving me nuts, I feel like I'm on deathrow.
Dead man walking? You don't even know what you're doing, what kind of contractor are you? I'm an excellent contractor, and as an excellent contractor I can tell you, I'm the last man I would want to hire to fix this wiring.
Well, get one of your electricians in here that's why you get the free office space.
This is my number one priority.
This should be your Sure.
Hamudi Contracting? Mrs Birchwood, yes, how are you? Yes, I'll be right there.
- Salam aleikum.
- Waleikum salam.
- Nice, don't you think? - Beautiful.
That's why I'm here, I don't want people leaving the open house thinking Islam treats women as second class citizens.
I agree completely, and I'd love your input, I think you have unique take on this.
Unique really? Sure, I think people would find it surprising that there's such a thing as a muslim feminist.
They'd never believe it, it's like finding a friendly Torontonian.
They see the headscarf, they think oppression.
They can't get their head around it.
You really do need help with this, don't you? Yeah.
Thanks for helping advertise the open house.
It's the least I can do, for a paying customer.
Oh right, I'll have a plate of fries.
So you must have tons of information on the influence of Islam in Africa.
Yes, from an african perspective.
You usually only hear the missionary position.
- What? - Forget.
Men Looking good Brother Amaar, I thought we could teach the infidels a little bit of Arabic.
Before the open house on sunday, could you find a better word than infidels? - How about heathens? - No.
- Crusaders? - No.
- Faithless? - Keep trying.
Ok, I'll come up with something.
What do you think of this? Minbar is pulpit and maybe a big sign "master equal mosque".
Cool, it's like Sesame Street, today's show is brought to you by the letter Aleph.
Which reminds me, have you got a metal detector yet? Would you drop the paranoïa, we get a radio show.
I got it, Barbarians! Stand up and fight human.
One of my last remaining venal sins I'm afraid.
At least the power's on in here.
Yasir knew about the electric problem when he signed the lease, he said he was going to upgrade it.
He's going to for the open house.
I just came here to invite your congregation to join us on Sunday.
I'm afraid some of my blue hairs are a little unconfortable with the little mosque next door, little too much Fred Topper on their diet.
Speaking of diet, Fatima's doing the food.
Well that will get the old darlings in.
As long as you have dinner on the table at 4:30.
Great, well, I'll let you get back to your venal sin.
Mere distraction, I don't take it seriously.
Fight me cowardly human.
Come you alien scum! Here's one that I get at the clinic, why do you muslims pray all the time? Ok, let me get this one.
You see my pasty white friend, it is like this, in prayer, every muscle and bone in the body joins the mind and the soul in the glorious worship of Allah.
No, that'll sound too weird for our christian visitors.
Weird? They drink Jesus' blood.
Baber, please don't talk about things you don't understand.
Then he'd never say anything.
Amaar, you could help us, we're rehearsing our speeches for the open house.
Speeches, you don't need to make speeches, it's the imam's job to explain things.
So you're saying we don't need to worry our pretty little heads about this? Well Baber's head isn't all that pretty but yes.
But what do you know about being a muslim woman? Or a black muslim woman? Or a muslim man? He doesn't even have a beard.
If I don't get to do talk, I'm out.
I knew this was a bad idea.
I'm with Baber.
- We're what's the word? - Boycotting.
I was going to say pissed-off but yes, we are boycotting.
Well, I guess it's just you and me.
Well you've got that half right.
And did I even remind you folks that our she-mayor, Conrad Popowicz has been duped once again by her public relations flack Sarah Hamudi.
She-mayor again? Who writes his materials? Suck it up, he calls me Florence of Arabia.
Someone has to stop him.
Yes and now our muslims friends are having an open house, I suppose the suicide bombers will be selling date squares and the kiddies will be barbing for hand grenades.
You should go on his show.
You know what would be even better? - Poison darts? - You're tong is shaper, you do it.
- Me? - Chicken? No! Yes no! - Bring him on.
- Good but, order the poison darts as a backup And now they are all boycotting the open house because I won't let them get up and talk.
If you didn't want them to talk, how did they get the idea that they were making speeches? I don't know, probably from me.
Look, I used to be a lawyer, I'm still not that great with people.
What do I do? You might wanna try begging.
You think? Time honoured christian tradition.
How do the muslims feel about begging? Oh, we can't get enought of it, we beg for forgiveness from Allah all the time, I'm just not so sure about begging to people.
How do I do that? Be a man, gravel.
Yes, yes Mrs Birchwood, warmer lights but your husband said we were going provencal so you can see where I might if gotten that idea.
Italian is just as nice Yes I'll have every electrician in town at your house in an hour.
In half an hour, yes, thank you, yes.
Why can't women make up their minds, darling? I have no idea, which one should I wear on Fred's show? And you've been shopping, I like the less expensive one.
Ok, this one makes me look clever, this one is more flirty, what do you think? I can't decide.
It's radio darling, no one will see what you're wearing.
Fred will, that worm.
Always important to look your best, when meeting worms.
I'm glad you're both here, we have a crisis Ok, which one? Clever, flirty.
Each is a form of vanity so it's hard to choose.
Please, less imam, more Armani.
What's this for anyway? I'm going on Fred's show.
Oh in that case, I'll go with a bulletproof vest.
Guys, we have a real problem with the open house.
We know, Sarah's taking care of it.
I'll drop you off, darling.
Sarah's taking care of what? Well, Mrs Hamudi, why is the mayor's office so eager to jump in the bed with terrorists? Do you really think that all muslims are terrorists? What, you're saying no muslims are terrorists? No, of course not.
I mean you're the mayor P.
R.
person and your husband's a libanese arab muslim, coincidence ? Look, do you know who Angus Birchwood is? One of Mercy's most respected citizen.
Well he's a smart man, right? Well, he's you're not gonna trick me in anything banable gasperous.
Would he hire a terrorist? Of course not.
Well, my muslim husband is renovating his house right now, ergo my husband is not a terrorist, see? You think you're pretty clever than a cookie, don't you sister? Well, it's the suit.
I got my eye on you people.
Mercy needs to be informed.
Yes they do, so come to the open house on Sunday and see for yourself! You don't get to talk to my audience! Don't let this man bully you! - Ignore this woman! - Wake up people! Now that is my line and it's copyrighted! and it's Wake up people! Wake up people! Salam Aleikum.
Waleikum salam.
I'm glad you're all here because I have something important to say.
- I was just leaving.
- Me too.
I need to check my soup.
Guys please wait, I know you're all upset at me because I'm not letting you speak at the open house.
I'll take stating the obvious for 200 please Alex.
Are you trying to rub it in? No, at the Friday sermon, it's my job to speak on behalf of the entire congregation, but on Sunday, I need your help You want me to beg? Please, I'm begging you, stop the silliness.
So now we're silly.
Common' guys, I really need your help, please forgive me! Amaar, stop gravelling, it's really unattractive, yet, strangely satisfying.
So the boycott's off? Thank god, the lights are finally working, I thought they would find Bin Laden first.
The electricians did a great job, Yasir thanks for fixing the lights.
You're welcome.
Baber, what do you say? Stop that, you're going to give me a seizure.
Mayor, so nice of you to join us.
Thank you.
The first visitors, come on in, hi, I'm the one you heard on Wake up People.
Could you take your boots off sir? Welcome to the mosque.
Islam has five pillars and they are Hey, you guys got a minibar instead of a prophet, so where do you keep the vino? It is minbar, not minibar.
Muslims are not allowed to drink alcohol.
Not even a couple of bruskies during Grey Cup? Never.
No hoots, I'll pray five times a day too.
I don't think Joe's going to be converting to islam any time soon.
If you're a feminist, why do you cover your hair? What about modesty? Hair is part of your sexuality so we only show it to other women.
So you're gay? No, no I'd show it to my husband.
Ok, so you're married.
- No - Not yet.
Can you show it to your boyfriend? Boyfriend? Muslims can't even date.
Mom, really we do date.
You call that dating? It's more like a job interview.
No, it's like window shopping.
See, you don't need to taste the cake to know that it's going to be delicious.
Of course you do, the cake could look good and still be crummy.
Oh, he might be a fruitcake and you know how we all feel about fruitcakes Mom ! Step away from the metaphor.
Ok, sorry.
I think I'm just going to talk to your reverend priesty rabbi guy.
- Thanks.
- Ok, thank you.
Mom, now she's .
no it wasn't! Nice turnout.
Mr Birchwood, it's such an honour to have you here at our little mosque.
It's a bit shabby, if only they'd let you use some of that Hamudi magic around.
Yes, that's what I've been saying but can I get you anything? No boose I'm afraid.
I think I'll sample some of that curry, - it smells delicious.
- Absolutely.
And then, the descendants of the companions of the prophet, finally reached Africa.
And that takes us to the end of the eighth century.
Oh dear God, I thought you were going to do this yourself.
It's postic, I'm sure you understand.
Not really, I always get my own way.
Tax plan? Take two.
Did you know that business is a very important part of Islam? Even the prophet -peace be upon him- was a businessman.
Now, if you ever need any work done to your home, you know who to call.
We said bridge building, not home building, remember? Amaar, look around you, you have nothing to worry about, part yourself in the back, the open house has gone off without itch.
Get out !!! Allright, maybe one little itch.
And I hate to say I told you so, people of Mercy but I told you so people of Mercy! You know you try to act neighborly, and they try to blow you up, well we can at least thank our lucky stars at this rag tag bunch of jihaderist couldn't actually build a bomb that works.
Allright, next up, getting to know your new puppy, I'm Fred Topper.
Those infidels tried to blow us up, this is our September 11th.
Don't ever say that again.
But it's true.
Calm down, it was just a bit of smoke, nobody got hurt.
Thank god.
I'm allright, I'm fine, I wish you never had call the fire department, look at the mess they made.
Yasir, there was an explosion The room filled with smoke.
It was a little electrical mishappening.
You tried to fix the fusebox yourself, didn't you? - I knew it.
- It was your fault, yes.
You made me promise, I'm a man of my word, it was the only way to get it done on time.
Roll up those carpets, they're beginning to smell.
Look at that I'm sure Yasir didn't mean to He didn't do this alone, I helped him.
With the fusebox? I tried to fix everything.
Make peace, create trust.
Then it turns out you're only human, which proves once again that only God is perfect.
Now you can't stop mistrust and suspicion from popping up, which reminds me you should have those guys take that dead body around back.
He's joking, it's a carpet, just a carpet.
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