Living Biblically (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

CHIP: My name is Chip.
Life's been knocking me on my butt lately.
My best friend died out of nowhere.
Oh, I'm really gonna miss you, Ray.
And my wife, well Your girl's pregnant.
CHIP: I hadn't opened a Bible in 20 years, but it's helped so many, and I needed help.
I've decided to live my life 100% by the Bible.
To the letter.
(LAUGHS) CHIP: I get that reaction a lot.
But with the help of my God Squad, I'm becoming a better man one verse at a time.
I am living biblically.
Morning, Father Gene.
Your favorite lapsed Catholic has come back.
Please tell me you're not still trying to live 100% by the Bible.
Ugh.
See, I cannot tell you that because that would be a lie, and I cannot lie because I am living 100% by the Bible.
I know you think it's crazy, but it's really helping me, you know? I mean, when my best friend died out of nowhere, I had no idea how to deal with it.
Now I do.
Well, that's fantastic.
And when Leslie told me that we were gonna have a baby, I was terrified.
I mean, I-I-I didn't think I could pull off fatherhood.
Frankly, I pretty much sucked at adulthood.
But now, I-I-I'm so excited to meet this kid.
So your wife is on board with your whole journey? Very much so.
You're driving her nuts, aren't you? Very much so.
But overall, biblical living is really going awesome.
I mean, the only commandment I've broken is "thou shalt not kill" because I got to tell you, Gene, I am killing it, baby.
Uh, excuse me, it's "Father Baby.
" Ah.
Oh, um (CHUCKLES) I don't want to brag, but after I left you the other night, I stoned an adulterer.
You what?! Chip, no, stop, just Go to church and be good.
It's enough.
No, not for me, it's not.
And why would I stop? They even gave me a second column at the newspaper because of it.
It's called ready? "Living Biblically.
" So, watch for that.
Okay, I will.
I'm happy it's working out for you, Chip.
Now, do you have any sins to confess? 'Cause that's kind of what we do in here.
Uh Oh, well, I have been cussing a lot.
Oh, okay.
That happens.
Um, next time you want to swear, try a "dang," a "darn.
" "Gollies" are good.
I'm throwing around "gollies" all day.
Sounds a little unsatisfying.
Oh, it's incredibly unsatisfying.
But you'll be doing the right thing.
Huh.
Well, golly dang darn, I'll give it a try, Father Baby.
Can you believe there's a little person - in there? - Yeah.
- I was there when it happened.
- (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) You're so incredible, Leslie.
You're smart and beautiful, great taste in dudes.
You keep talking that talk to me, I might have to put my book down.
What, really? Oh, huh, okay.
(LAUGHS) Um Well, shoot, now I can't think of anything.
Hey! (LOUD TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS) Oh, no.
They're playing their robot porn music again.
Which means they're about to start (MATTRESS SQUEAKING) And there they go.
(WOMAN MOANS) I got this, babe.
Shut up! (LOUD TECHNO MUSIC AND MATTRESS SQUEAKING CONTINUE) Mother-Golly! Done with the all-white suit you wore last week? I dug that look, man.
Very "Scarface Jesus.
" (LAUGHS) Well, Vince, I'll tell you, the Bible is a bit confusing on this subject.
Deuteronomy says don't mix wool and linen.
But Ecclesiastes says wear all white and oil on your head.
I say listen to Ecclesi's ass.
Oil those curls up, white pimp suit, Superfly Chip.
(LAUGHS) Guess who's got a big date tonight? (SIGHS) (IMITATES BUZZER) Wrong.
Me.
Hmm.
Hey, Cheryl.
Uh, which top do you like better? (HOWLS) Cheryl.
Or two cups, one Cheryl.
Believe it or not, Cheryl, uh, I don't know much about women's fashion.
I feel like that's something you two have in common.
Oh, really, who cares which one? It's just gonna end up in a ball on the floor of a cab anyway, am I right? Oh, she's gonna make some lucky guy really uncomfortable tonight.
And two guys uncomfortable right now.
How you doing? Oh, I'm all right.
Mm, you know, your best friend dying is tough.
I'm not gonna lie, but, uh, I will say this Bible thing, man, it really helps.
- Glad to hear it.
- Yeah.
Just checking in.
You know, sometimes guys don't talk about stuff.
Yeah.
Which I feel is the right move, frankly.
Yes, me too.
Me too.
Um, hey, uh Y-You wouldn't Y-You want to be my new best friend? - Hell yeah.
- What!? Finally, somebody in this office gives me a promotion.
I need y'all to listen up.
If everyone could stop not doing their jobs for a minute, I have an announcement.
They found asbestos in the vents, and we don't have the budget to gut the whole place, so they're just gonna clean out my office.
CHIP: Uh but surely we must have some asbestos in our area, too, right? Cards on the table? Yeah.
Anyway, this is gonna be my desk for the day, and I would like to see your "Living Biblically" piece on it ASAP.
Soon.
I just want it to be perfect.
Chip, I gave you that column, and I will take it away.
I will take it away, and I will eat it.
I will eat that column if it is not exceptional.
Please don't eat my column, Ms.
Meadows.
Don't make me eat your column, Chip.
Whoa.
Seems like Meadows really wants to eat your column, Chip.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm just about to dive into my work.
By myself.
(CHUCKLES) So, give me the man's perspective.
On which date does a guy want to see a gal's glass eye collection? I don't know.
Four? Can you please leave me alone? I'm trying to write.
Oh.
You think your Bible column's more important than what I do? I write the obituary.
Do you know what that's like? Death never stops, Chip.
It's coming for you.
It's coming for us all! We know, Cheryl.
We got your Christmas card.
I'm so glad we bumped into you guys.
I got my, uh, my God Squad back in full effect, baby.
Yeah.
You know, we-we live right down the street.
Are you guys always here at the bar? Well, what exactly are you implying? No, yeah, we're here every night.
So, oh, man, those awful neighbors I was telling you about.
They are always Can I say "making sweet love"? You can, but you sound like you're in Boyz II Men.
They blast techno music.
We haven't slept in a week.
Today at work, I fell asleep on a gurney.
They almost cremated me.
Look, the Bible's real clear on neighbors.
You have to love them.
Mm.
"Love thy neighbor.
" Right.
Well, that sucks.
Gene, you're so much smarter now that the comb-over is gone.
Jews, Christians, we all agree on this one, all right? You got to "love thy neighbor.
" It's not just the title of most of the episodes of Dateline.
Well, hey, listen, I only have a few neighbors in my building, so I can manage that.
No, no, no, no.
Everyone is your neighbor.
Seriously? Then, who is not my neighbor? Nobody.
Oh, come on, you can't love everybody.
What about racists? Or axe murderers? Or the man who invented high heels? Oh, and you know it was a man.
GENE: Look, Chip, if you really want to do this right, you have to love everyone.
Even that guy standing in front of you at a concert, phone over his head, blocking your view.
He's never gonna watch this blurry video of Smash Mouth, but he ruins your night anyway.
Go to a lot of Smash Mouth concerts, Gene? No.
They were opening for Hoobastank.
And-and not "tolerate," or "put up with" your neighbor, either, Chip.
Love.
Do you really think you can love everyone all the time? I mean, it sure seems like it'd be a much happier world if everyone did.
Mm-hmm.
Couldn't agree more, bud.
Rooting for you.
All right.
New plan.
Love everybody.
(CHUCKLES) Uh, it doesn't sound like much of a plan, per Se, but I'm trying to be supportive.
(LAUGHS) You're hurting me, sweetie.
I'm very sorry.
Well, we better go get some sleep.
Here, Gil.
You can have my drink, buddy.
Oh.
All right.
- It was great seeing you guys again.
- Yeah.
- Good night.
- Yeah, good night.
People of the bar, I love you.
I'm sorry.
He's not even drunk.
This is my life now.
(LOUD TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) Still going.
I feel like we're living in a toptional Vegas pool party.
You've been to one of those, Chip? I can't hear you.
All right, well, you heard Gene and Gil.
It's time to open up our hearts and love our neighbors.
Maybe that'll shut them up.
Okay, but what does "loving them" look like? What are you gonna do? (LAUGHING): What are you you gonna bake them an apple pie? Hey.
You know what? Yes.
Stick to the classics.
I'm gonna bake them an apple pie.
The secret ingredient is love.
So, okay.
So, we'll bring them a pie, and then you're gonna have a talk with them, right? Talk to them? Who am I, Oprah? I don't want to have a 20-minute conversation every time I get the mail.
I'll just drop the love pie off on their doormat, and I'll write them a little note.
"Dear neighbors, I love you very much.
But I would love you a whole lot more if I didn't have to listen to your sick, twisted game of sexual one-upmanship.
" No.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey.
What's up, buddy? Finally have the perfect topic for my column.
(CHUCKLES) I loved my neighbors so hard last night.
I loved my neighbor once.
Big mistake.
Can't call a girl a cab when she lives next door.
(CHUCKLES) I'm telling you, man, this thing is just gonna write itself.
I am in a zone.
Nothing can stop me now.
Went on my date last night, thanks for asking.
Six foot two.
Handsome, athletic.
Gross, not my type at all.
Look (CLEARS THROAT) Cheryl, the writer spends his life in pursuit of "the zone " And he was so boring.
I mean, he'd just ramble on, these endless stories that I didn't even ask to hear.
Yup.
Got it.
Okay, could you please go over there? I mean, what kind of idiot doesn't know when someone doesn't want to hear their boring stories that just go on and on and on and on and on Damn it, Cheryl! I am trying to get my article done! And you need to understand that every time (EXHALES) You need to understand that I love you, Cheryl.
I love you very much, Cher Bear.
What was that? The asbestos scrambling your brain? I am "loving thy neighbor," baby.
And look, it worked.
- Uh, Chip? - Yeah.
What the hell did you just do to Cheryl? I hugged her.
He admits it.
We touched fronts.
Were you being weird, Chip? Vince.
Was he being weird? Oh, it was definitely weird.
I mean, I didn't see anything.
Best friends? Cheryl is suggesting there was some inappropriate physical contact.
Oh, come on.
Because I hugged her? I realize I dress sexy, but that's not a license to grope.
I pulled away right as his hands dipped below the equator.
What? My hands were on your back.
I have a very high butt, Chip.
Look, should we be having this conversation in front of the entire office? Oh, please.
They are not paying attention.
Chip, you cannot go around hugging your coworkers and telling them that you love them.
It's creepy.
Hey, look, it's not easy for me either, all right? But you gave me this column, you know I'm living by the Bible and I have to love my neighbor.
Well, can you do it without putting your hands on Cheryl's insanely high butt, please? Uh, yeah, fine.
But look, I-I-I think we should all say "I love you" more.
And I love everybody in this office.
Vince, love you, buddy.
Coworker to best friend to love in 24 hours.
That's how your boy Vince does it.
Ms.
Meadows, you are a tough boss, but you always inspire me to be better.
And for that, I love you.
Well, thank you, Chip.
And I think you are fine.
Hug? Oh, you know what? I am going to take this and go sit in the asbestos.
Cheryl, look, I hope you understand I meant no harm.
I'm just trying to deal lovingly with things that bother me.
Oh.
I bother you? Well, that's a bummer.
Well, it's just that, you know, you come over to my desk all the ti You think you're the perfect coworker, Chip, with your Bible stuff? Look, I don't push my juggalo lifestyle on you.
And, you know, frankly, you're mean.
What? I am not.
Yes, you are.
You roll your eyes when I say anything.
Oh, I do not.
I am sorry.
And some days when it's really hot out, you have a trace of BO.
She's not wrong.
But I hear you.
And loving your neighbor means being a good neighbor, too.
I've been a bad one.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
Hug? You got it, Cher Bear.
Thanks, Chip Clip.
(CHUCKLES) Uh, oh, wow, that is really high, isn't it? Uh Oh.
Really hot out today, huh? Okay, that's enough.
Truly connected with Cheryl today and it was awesome.
- I mean, we had a real heart-to-heart.
- (LOUD TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) I baked you a pie! Why won't you shut up?! But yeah, we're in a really good place, and as it turns out, Cheryl actually had some issues with me, - believe it or not.
- Oh, I can believe it.
What? Did it ever occur to you that you might not be that great of a neighbor here, either? You're making me sound like a jerk.
Wait, how could I be a jerk? I've never even talked to anybody in this building.
Oh, okay, now I'm getting it.
I mean, you won't answer the door for trick-or-treaters, for six months, you tried to learn the didgeridoo, and every time someone gets on the elevator, you pretend you're on your phone.
Oh, nobody knows that's a fake person.
Chip, you pretend to talk to a Jackie Paddawackie.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING, MATTRESS SQUEAKING) (SIGHS) Well, I've been a bad neighbor.
Uh, the squeaking mattress stopped.
There's your cue, Bible Boy.
Oh, but should I bring them some Gatorade or ? What? Hello.
Hi.
Um Hi.
Wow, uh, I'd just like to start by saying that you two are an inspiration.
Who are you? Oh! I'm so sorry, we're your next-door neighbors.
My name's Chip.
This is my beautiful wife, Leslie.
Phyllis.
He's Karl.
Oh! You gave us that pie thing.
That was me.
Did you try it? No.
He's diabetic and I just thought it looked like a bad pie.
Um, look, I-I-I was just hoping that you could just keep the noise down.
Yes.
We got your letter.
Beautifully written.
Long.
But we don't feel we're loud.
Not to mention, we have to listen to you two knock boots all day.
Us? Wait, you hear it, too? It's not them.
Oh, well, Phyllis, it's not us, either.
I mean, we do okay, but Yeah.
I don't want to oversell it.
Well, I mean, you don't want to undersell it, but (LOUD TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) It's the upstairs neighbors.
Oh, Phyllis, we thought that was you guys.
Oh, please! I wish.
(LAUGHTER) I do.
So, I went upstairs.
I started by admitting my own neighborly shortcomings.
And then I hugged it out with the real fornicators.
Very intense hug.
Pretty sure they were on drugs.
Super sweet kids, though.
Oh.
Turned off the music, no questions asked.
I can't believe that I wasted all this energy hating these people, and then I just talked to them for ten minutes and now I love them.
He really does.
The three of them are going to Burning Man.
Now, you see, Chip, y-y-you cannot control how much hate there is in this world.
It's the world.
It sucks.
But (CLEARS THROAT) you can control how much love you put into it.
Mm? That's power, baby.
You got him doing the "baby" thing now.
I mean, I'm chatting it up at the mailbox.
I'm-I'm part of the community.
The lady in 5C offered to babysit for us.
- Wait, the one with the face tattoo? - Oh, yeah, - we're definitely not gonna let her.
- Oh, okay.
Well, it's great people are throwing love back your way, Chip, just don't make that the goal.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
- Love unconditionally.
- Okay.
Like the way Leslie obviously loves you.
- I mean, whoo, daddy - (CHUCKLES) talk about unconditional.
Nah.
He's one neighbor it is very easy to love.
Oh.
Mm.
You know you're just staring at them while they kiss, right? Well, where am I supposed to look? Look at me.
Well, this is worse.
Looks like someone's in the zone.
Hey.
Talk about it at lunch, Cher Bear, and my treat this time.
So, I am seeing this super hot new guy.
Oh, no.
What's happening? He's short, fat, bald.
I mean, the whole package.
You know, they're Get off my desk, Cheryl! Hey, "loving thy neighbor" is your thing.