LOL: Last One Laughing Australia (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

1
♪[Gregorian chanting]
NAZEEM: This is not
what I was expecting.
I thought it was going
to be more representative
of normal life.
Bathe the Simmons!
Come, everyone,
bathe the Simmons!
It's not normal at all.
Everyone is behaving
insanely.
REBEL: Nobody's laughing.
Frank has the underwear
on his head.
How is Sam not
laughing at that?
Well, I can't say it was brave.
Oh, my God.
It was
It was next level.
I don't even know what to do.
SAM: Carbonated water, like,
trickling around
your anus is a
It's a lovely sensation.
I have to say: Do try it.
[beeping]
[belches]
SAM: Dad's havin' a shot.
Dad needs a shot after that.
-That was a lot of effort.
-Wow!
That was Daddy's doodle.
-Yes, I saw it.
-I know
-Does it get bigger?
-Huh?
Does it get bigger?
As it gets harder?
No, I have a tiny doodle.
Oh, no.
Tiny little penis.
I'm actually quite proud.
I've got a little doodle.
It's cool.
I'm not ashamed.
It's actually fine.
It's interesting.
Interesting?
That's how you always want
your dick to be described.
Yeah.
It's interesting.
What's going on over there?
Do I need to be scared of
what Susie's doing
with that mustache?
Honestly, I'm just
hydrating with fruit.
You kind of look like, um,
those characters
from old Chinese movies.
Chinese people?
Yeah, those ones?
Yeah, Chinese people.
[gong]
[beeping]
What are the other accents
you can do, Becky?
Oh, I don't know, yeah?
It's like a casino in there;
you don't know what time it is.
People forget You forget
to look up at the timer.
Glass, yeah?
Banta, yeah?
Whiskey, yeah?
I think that's
the first sign that people
are mentally slipping.
[Italian accent]
I like-a do an Italian, maybe?
-Yeah.
-DIL: Oh, not so much?
[Italian accent]
Eh, not-a so-a much-ay.
A bit of a Italian
accent, maybe.
It's-a not-a the way I like it.
What How do you do?
You do sound like this?
-I-a like-a like this.
-[Italian accent]
Talk-a like that
and get-a really angry
so quickly.
What are you doing?
Why would you do that to me?
A-like this!
Is it this? Like how-a
Come on, everything is
from inside,
try to get it out.
I came from Italy,
I gave up everything
for your future.
You do nothing for this.
You comedian now.
I try. I try!
I try for you.
BECKY: One time, my friend was
We were camping,
and my friend was
hooking up
with this Italian guy,
and she was, like,
"Oh, he's so amazing.
Like, everything he says
is so romantic."
And as she said, like,
we're all in the caravan,
and he ran up to the door,
and he's, like,
[Italian accent]
"I need to, how you say,
take a shit."
[Rebel laughs]
-DIL: Very funny. Very funny.
-ANNE: IRL, very funny.
SUSIE: There was a whole lot
of acknowledgement, like,
people saying, "IRL funny."
As in, like,
if we weren't in here
it would be hilarious.
Because it's the worst thing
you can do to a comedian,
is to put them in a space
where people aren't
allowed to laugh at them.
Aw, look at those tits.
But it is quite weird,
isn't it, that in this
'Cause I haven't done
this sort of thing
very much before,
there is a point now
where you go
we are starting to
have, um,
some psychological,
not suffering, not injury,
not displeasure, but
-Sorry.
-Wouldn't that have been great
if it just took out
my cornea at that point?
Snapped it straight
out of your face.
If that made you laugh,
it would have been worth it.
I wouldn't have had depth
perception after that, but
you know, I reckon I could
get through with one eye.
[beeping]
They say do it quick.
Have you heard that?
BECKY: Like pulling
a band-aid off?
Aah!
It was something.
A little bit of something.
So Aah!
That's loud, Dil.
I didn't know you could do that.
REBEL: Is Nick gonna go?
Whoa. Oh, gosh.
Nick was close.
Nick was close.
Wow, Becky.
-So when I stop
-Yeah, I stop.
You stop.
Aah!
Does the other one
make a different noise?
Aah! Almost the same.
Oh, Becky.
She's just keeping
it together.
FRANK: I'll just
take your nipple.
Don't actually hurt it, 'cause
I've got very sensitive
After a marathon,
it feels like a scab.
Do you want to
see the scabs?
How do you got
scab nipples?
You run a marathon?
Guys are looking at
nipple scabs?
Can you see them?
-No.
-Not really.
It's pretty subtle, to be
perfectly honest with you.
-It's gone and come back.
-You'd have been better
off saying
I've got scabs on my nipples,
but I don't want to show you,
because once you showed me,
-I went, no, they're
shit scabs.
-Okay.
Let's try one more time.
Okay oh, no.
That's actually rank.
Oh my God.
Is that even
Nazeem, if you've ever
had a chance to get me
on your team,
right now, this is it.
What team, shit comics?
All right, what else have
I got to do?
Maybe I could put one of
these little rubber guys
at the end of my nang-nong.
See, that's my go-to,
just putting things on
the end of my knob.
What is this?
REBEL: Sam is still going.
He's still going, but see,
he's smart.
-He is relentless.
-He spends more time in there.
He's spending a lot
of time in there.
That could be quite
good, actually.
What's going on?
I remember seeing Sam
perform live many years ago.
Yeah.
And just going like
Where am I?
What?
Fuck, that's tight.
Oh, that's hurting.
Oi, on ah, ah! Ow.
Little handy, that was
handy, wasn't it?
It was.
[laughs]
-[gasps]
-REBEL: Look at that!
Okay, wait.
[alarm blares]
Woop! Woop! Woop!
Hey!
-Hey!
-Rebel!
-Uh-oh.
-Silence.
Very interesting
last 30 minutes.
The only way to get through
it was to get involved.
Seriously, Sam, that
was next level shit.
I can't believe no-one cracked
in that Fanta ceremony.
But somebody did crack
after that.
Let's watch the replay.
Oh no.
On ah, ah!
Oh.
Little handy, that was
handy, wasn't it?
It was.
[laughs]
-Nearly blocked.
-Sneaky.
Slight.
Look at that beard,
that is solid.
That's not
that's a strong beard.
REBEL: Yeah, it's
a strong beard,
but Nick, it's a yellow
card for you.
Fair enough, Rebel.
REBEL: So at the minute,
Anne, you're on a yellow card.
-I'm on a yellow card.
-REBEL: Becky. you're on
a yellow card.
Dilruk, Sam.
And Susie, you're on
a yellow card.
And I will give all
the players a reminder
to not be passive.
There's a couple of you
I've been keeping my eye on
who may not have been
playing as hard.
Now's your chance, guys.
You've been warned.
Joel and I will
continue our fun.
It's so shit, though.
When Rebel pauses the game,
you can let some air
out of the tires.
Oven mitt, oven mitt,
come on in, stimulate the clit.
NICK: People drop their guard,
they forget for a second
the big picture, which
is we're in this room
trying not to laugh.
I've never had my clit
stimulated,
and honestly, thank God.
That's very funny.
-But she's part robotic.
-♪[trumpet plays]
[laughs]
Oh my God!
[alarm blares]
SAM: Who laughed?
Someone laughed!
Oh, no, what's coming?
Rebel.
-Rebel.
-Rebel Wilson.
Oh, no!
-Guys, it's Rebel!
-Oh, no.
Rebel's here!
They're dropping
like balls because
-now two people
-Bullshit!
After this will be
eliminated from the game.
What, what, what
went on?
Jeez, after everyone's
been so focused,
somebody's knocked
out forever.
-Fuck.
-Let's go to the replay.
I've never had my clit
stimulated,
and honestly, thank God.
That's very funny.
-But she's part robotic.
-♪[trumpet plays]
[laughs]
Becky!
[groaning]
Becky, you're so
relaxed on the couch.
-That's fucked.
-Oh, yeah.
After all you've been
through, Becky,
you are red carded.
Bye.
Time for you to
say goodbye.
-Bye.
-Good luck.
-Bye, mate.
-Bye.
Well, I feel like
I got myself.
But I thought that might
be the case,
'cause I'm kind of
my own favorite comedian.
And then there were eight.
Damn it Becky.
All right, I'm going
to restart the game.
♪[trumpet plays]
Oh, I actually just
tried to fart
and instead a little
little bit of poop came.
Just then?
-Bit of pooku.
-Pooku?
Bit of poop came.
-What?
-Bit of poop came.
-Is that a word?
-Bit of poop came.
-Is it Sri Lankan?
-Bit of poop came.
Poocam.
Oh, poo came.
I thought it was
What is poo is
In Sri Lanka, what language?
There's Sinhalese,
there's Tamil.
-English.
-What about your family?
We mix it up.
So it's like Creole?
Like Creole Sri Lankan,
kind of thing?
[beeping]
At this point, I mean,
it's pretty obvious,
I've got to get, serious,
I've got to get these
fuckers out of here.
That's a squat,
isn't it?
I'm gonna make this happen,
I'm gonna make you laugh.
What are you doing?
We're having a
competition, squats.
Dead Squats for Lesbians. What?
Well, you know, that thing,
it's on Facebook.
It's one of those Facebook
help groups.
You know, like when you do
Nick, you do it.
Have you done that thing
where you put a chunk of
ice on your head?
Huh?
-The ice bucket challenge?
-The ice bucket challenge.
You know, I never did it?
I'd like to do it now.
Well, no, there's
Squats for Dead Lesbians
at the moment on Facebook
It's not a thing, Sam.
It is, like, you
have to do, like
you do 25 reps in a minute.
It is, it's a
full-on thing.
25 squats in a minute?
25 squats in a minute
for dead lesbians.
I mean, this is not
a thing, though.
What do you mean,
it's not a thing?
It's a real cause, you'll
probably do it on The Project.
'Cause it's been a
okay.
Do one of these,
it's high sugar intake.
Lesbians take in a lot
of sugar and
Why do lesbians take
in a lot more sugar?
I don't know, because
they bake cakes and stuff.
REBEL: Oh, oh okay.
JOEL: Do it!
[alarm blares]
I need a little massage
after this.
-REBEL: Yeah, I know.
-I'm exhausted!
Book yourself in
somewhere nice.
I'm getting my cardio.
I'm going to get evicted
for being mean.
What do we think, guys?
Red or yellow?
-Yellow.
-We're hoping yellow.
Let's go to the replay.
Okay, do one of these,
it's high sugar intake.
Lesbians take in a
lot of sugar and
it's been a thing that
Why do lesbians take
in a lot more sugar?
I don't know, because
they bake cakes and stuff.
[laughs]
Yellow carded, Naz.
You're on thin ice.
Halfway through, guys.
Stay focused.
The hundred grand
is just outside.
A hundred grand.
Ah, yo.
Halfway through.
Gonna kick off
in a minute.
Okay, we're restarting
the game.
♪[trumpet plays]
[beeping]
-Hi.
-Becky!
Hey, guys.
-Oh my God.
-Welcome.
You were amaz it's
so good being out.
-Yes.
-It's so good being out.
Yes.
I have lost my mind!
Eddo's yelling directly
into cameras now.
So?
I was going out
of my mind.
Oh, Anne's going in.
I've been to paradise ♪
But I've never been to me ♪
And I was like, I need something
and I knew I needed Carol.
SAM: Jesus Christ.
Okay, Anne's come in
as a character.
Oh my God.
Ugh.
She's on the floor.
-My name's Carol, love.
-It's Carol?
Carol's here, guys.
Carol's here.
Auntie Carol, love.
Auntie Carol.
Oh, if I'd been in
there for Auntie Carol.
Auntie Carol's gone
for a lie down.
ANNE: I'm just
that tired, love.
I've been in here
for so long, you know?
Carol has only ever existed
on a podcast that I do,
and this was the first
physical realization of Carol.
And I just feel like
I need to lie here, you know?
'Cause I've had enough!
Carol emerged and I was as
thrilled as anyone to see her.
I was like, oh, Carol!
Hello.
We haven't met, Carol.
How are you?
I'm Dilruk.
Hello, Dilruk.
Haven't I seen you up at
the buffet in the Crown Casino?
On one of your cheat
days up there, darling?
Dilruk ran a marathon recently.
Oh, yeah, heard it
all before.
No one cares if I've
ever run a marathon.
Have you ever run
a marathon, Carol?
No, I have not, Susie.
[laughing]
Hello, there, young man.
G'day, mate.
What's your name?
My name's Nazeem.
What's your real name?
Nazeem.
Ah, I thought so.
I grabbed the dummy
because I have no skill
in ventriloquism,
which I know that
Frank would find funny.
I went to a sorry,
I don't, what's your name?
Did we establish that?
Lano.
Lano.
Ed Kavalee, he was very
nearly my undoing.
Colin.
Leee..
Lane.
I've got to go
over there now.
I've got to go
over there for
a little while.
-So
-No!
Because of what he's doing.
We're a duo.
We stick together.
I almost had him,
and, you know,
that's fair play to him,
he got through it.
How'd you go, Frank?
Ah, you probably noticed
that staring off vacantly
into space
there for a moment.
Well done.
How are you, Ed?
What have you been doing?
Carol's not a nice person,
and, uh, Ed's success
wouldn't sit well with Carol.
Ed's got radio shows,
Ed's got TV shows.
All on your programs,
la di da,
sitting up there
on your programs.
Carol would like to
interrogate that.
I see ya,
Hello, I say
from the television.
Carol, are you all right?
No, I'm not all
right, darling.
Slugging around down here?
-REBEL: Anne's going after Ed.
-BECKY: Yeah.
What other programs
you on, Ed?
List them!
ED: Uh
Nothing else at the moment.
Are you worried, love?
Well, he's a radio
man as well.
-Oh yeah?
-He does breakfast radio,
don't you?
How's that
going, darling?
Well, the breakfast one
didn't go very well
but I'm doing
drive at the moment.
What happened with
breakfast, love?
I didn't there
was some feedback.
ANNE: Feedback?
Tell us all about it.
We were on a show and
then one day we weren't.
How about you, Carol?
What do you do for a living?
Don't turn this around
on me, darling,
I'm not the one
with a radio show.
I should have one.
Carol, I could see
was causing a stir.
I could see it just
threw people off.
It was good.
Where's Carol from?
I was born on
the Mornington Peninsula.
I see.
Property prices these days,
oh, mate you must be sitting
on some prime real estate,
and I'm not talking
about your vag.
-Very good.
-That's revolting.
Anyway, Dil?
-Yes?
-Do you like older women?
I am interested but
I have a very strict rule
about no sex before marriage
if that's okay.
That's fine with me, darling.
I haven't seen
my pussy in years.
No, no.
That's not getting past me.
[alarm blares]
Jesus.
Carol's not going anywhere.
You need to get the fuck
out of here, please.
No. No, Carol's not
going anywhere.
Woo!
Woo-ooh-ooh!
Okay, guys.
What do we have?
A red!
It's a red card.
Someone is leaving
the game.
-It's not you, mate.
-Isn't?
No.
Yes!
Our cameras have caught
somebody else cracking up.
Oh.
Yes!
Let's look at
the replay cameras.
That's fine with me, darling.
I haven't seen
my pussy in years.
There he is,
trying to hide it.
-Slight.
-I wretched.
Nick, we've got it
on multiple angles.
Nick, unfortunately
you are red-carded.
Thank you very much.
Oh
-See you, gang.
-Say goodbye.
Don't go.
52 pickup.
I'm not having it!
Aunt Carol!
Aunt Carol!
If we don't get
Carol out of here soon
we're fucked.
I'll never not laugh
at that, at Aunt Carol.
Aunt Carol is about
50% of my female relatives.
Carol's not going
anywhere.
I need a counterstrike.
I need a Carol defuser.
You and me, yeah.
All right.
♪[trumpet plays]
Carol's playing
with a dildo ♪
Yes, I am playing
with a dildo.
Thanks for asking.
That's very bloody
continental.
Continental penis.
If I were hypothetically
to ask you out on a date,
where would you
like to go?
Say no, Carol.
I like the various buffets.
Buffets, like the Crown one?
No, I've had a falling
out with them.
I disputed the
all-you-can-eat nature
of the buffet
at the Crown Casino.
They say it starts at
11:00, all-you-can-eat.
Now, people are putting lids
on things at about 1:00.
And I said to them
this isn't right.
I wanted, you know,
a good meal.
[laughing]
ALL: Hey!
How good is this?
This is much nicer.
Congratulations.
-Good loser.
-Thanks, Rebel.
Good loser, I'll take that.
You're playing two games
the whole time.
You're trying to be
as funny as possible,
and then you're also
trying not to laugh.
I was hoping to
catch people off guard
by exposing a fake boob.
I'm taking off
my shirt
and then it'll
just be there.
The boobs are
very realistic.
What are you doing?
[gasps]
Oh my God, Susie's
got one boob out.
-What?
-Susie's boob!
-No, I don't.
-Am I mad?
I was hoping to
catch Sam off-guard,
but he didn't laugh.
I couldn't see what it was
because my glasses aren't on,
but I saw something
going on.
Nope.
Okay.
The mustache is becoming.
So I decided to focus
a bit of attention in on Naz
thinking that Naz will
definitely laugh at a tit out.
Dude, that's a full laugh.
-That's a full laugh.
-She's gone.
[alarm blares]
Ha, ha, Frank.
Jesus.
I can't imagine.
-Two hours, 43 minutes to go.
-Oh my God.
We've been in here
for a month, haven't we?
Guys, I'm not even going
to reveal the card.
Wow.
I'm just going to
reveal the replay.
-Wow.
-Oh.
Carol, Ed.
Carol, Ed.
-The little mustache.
-There it is.
-Under the mustache!
-REBEL: Yeah.
It's her second infraction.
Your tits are out,
and so are you, Susie.
Ah!
Susie, say your goodbyes.
-Thanks, Guys.
-Goodbye, beautiful.
-Thank you.
-Well done. That was
Anne, fucking better
win this.
No, Susie, no.
Don't go.
-No, Susie!
-Do it for Carol.
This is awful.
Can't believe I'm out.
I didn't think it would
be my own boobs that
would get me out.
They're not my boobs.
They're fake boobs, mum.
[babbling]
Fucking losing it.
Four down.
I've got to get
out of here.
But don't
No, you don't.
You've got to regroup
and win this thing.
Oh, wait, excuse me,
I've just go to
start the game.
♪[trumpet plays]
It's the final count
no, it's not, it's
got hours to go.
Don't, don't
Don't peak too soon.
[beeping]
Hello, boys,
I'm the last one standing.
Oh, wow, you're right.
I was just waiting to
get rid of that Susie bitch
and now I'm the one.
Fuck, that is funny.
Let's go, let's go.
Let's go, let's go.
[laughing]
Come on in, boys.
-Wow.
-Carol's open.
Carol's open for business.
I'm clearly the most charming
from all of them here.
Oh my God, Dilruk.
I don't want to sound
desperate, but I'm just,
you rubbed your
leg on me.
That's the only reason
I am even here.
-I did not. So up yourself.
-Yes, you did.
-You wanted a bit
of brown sugar.
-You make me sick.
You just wanted a bit
of spice in your life
for a change.
I don't want chlamydia
if I could avoid it.
[laughs]
It's not chlamydia,
I told you, it's herpes.
If I can avoid herpes I do ♪
If I can avoid
herpes I do ♪
I do I do
avoid herpes ♪
When I can ♪
I don't know if this is
in the spirit of the game,
but can we take a vote
that Carol stops talking?
Because it's making it
really difficult for me.
That's a joke.
That's a joke.
I don't really want her
to stop talking.
That's your first
for the day.
Franks is definitely
the most dangerous.
He's like water.
He can just fit in any
space and
and match anyone's tone.
Hey, no, no, no,
if you're uncircumcised,
once you get an erection,
this is what
I've always thought,
it becomes your penis
your knob comes out.
We're all the same erect.
Not in my experience, darling.
Sorry, Carol, what
were you saying?
I said I have rolled back
the foreskin of a penis.
Right, and was it an erect
penis or were you nursing?
I was, no it was
erect, love.
Frank, for me, I thought
he played the most diverse
kind of game in there.
Like, he did
all sorts of things.
'Cause I worked as
a nurse for a while,
and I had to roll back
some penises to clean out,
and the best way to clean
it out was to suck it.
Oh, I see, yeah, right.
That makes sense, actually.
With Frank, there was
really a lot of
subtle but really
intentional and deliberate
gameplay.
When you say
you worked as a nurse,
were you a registered nurse?
Well, a volunteer.
Not registered. You know
And did the hospital
know you were there?
Not officially, but
I wasn't No, no.
How many years, how long
did you do that for?
Oh, for 18 or 19 minutes.
[laughing]
He also was very generous.
Like he came and
played with you a lot.
-There you go, Carol,
can you take that please?
-Yes.
Here you go. So just
another round of shit
jokes to keep things moving.
Risky, though, because
that's how you can get flipped.
I'm a health nut,
my body is a temple.
Which may explain why a priest
once tried to enter it.
Oh, no, that's like
really offensive.
I'm distraught because
I found out I've got
a cancerous mole.
I mean this is
the worst way to find out!
[laughing]
[laughs]
I think I'm out!
Oh, wait!
-That's Frank.
-Is that Frank?
What just happened?
BECKY: Oh, that's a laugh.
-That is a laugh!
-Easily.
[alarm blares]
No, Frank!
R.I.P.
Ah!
I forgot.
Frank's laugh out loud moment
was kind of a strange one
because it was the first
big laugh out loud moment
of the whole show.
And I was worried for Frank
as to whether
that was
an automatic red card.
[groaning]
-No!
-No!
-Don't take Frank.
-I forgot.
Somebody's in strife.
It was a loud laugh.
Oh, because I didn't
think it mattered.
No, leave Frank.
Let's look at the replay.
Next time
Is it the end of
the road for Frank?
[laughs]
Oh!
And then
Stick it in me!
It only got stranger.
[grunts]
[babbling]
Daddy's got his
nappies on.
Will anyone survive?
Ah-ha!
Eeeh.
When Anne pulls a song from
My anus ♪
Yeah ♪
She's going for it.
I'm like, I'm gonna go,
I'm gonna go.
Who will be
Feel the burn.
I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go!
The last one laughing.
Feel the burn!