Lopez (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Let's see.
We've seen "Scarface," "Traffic," and "Narcos.
" Uh, you want to watch "Sicario"? Mmm, I think I've reached my limit of Latin American drug cartels.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Come on, I love them.
I think I identify with the characters.
You know, just enough to care, but not enough to, like, start digging a tunnel in the backyard.
- Or hiding money in the walls? - Oh, no, I'm already doing that.
(both laugh) Ay, caramba.
Here's funnyman George Lopez's house.
- Again? - Again.
Every day.
Now, George recently trended on Twitter when a lady friend - Oh, come on.
- They do this every day? Yeah, they're here earlier this time.
I hope George is being careful and that the Twitter feed was the only thing that went viral, if you know what I'm saying.
Sorry, kid.
You might also remember that George passed out drunk on the floor of a casino.
Well, you would too, if you'd had ten shots of Avion.
You know what? Just ignore them.
I mean, if all my mistakes were blared from some bus - How you doing? I'm Steve.
- Hey, Steven! What you doing, man? Feeding the animals? I'm gonna nip this in the bud.
You know, I think the phrase is "nip it in the butt.
" I I don't think so.
- George.
- No, I think it's "bud.
" No, like butt of a joke.
Yeah, okay, I can't tell jokes, either.
- Oh, wait, he's coming over.
- Hey, man.
Uh-oh.
(Latin hip-hop music) (upbeat Latin music) This is George's place, but these sprinklers are always on.
They're always on.
They keep me up at night.
They're just those go off and then these start, you know? Just constant (imitates water spraying) Like he should have a fountain.
Oh, here he comes, but not to worry.
As long as you keep your hands and feet away from George Lopez, you'll be fine.
- Hey, how's everybody doing? - Oh, man, it's George Lopez.
Wow, this is awesome sauce, 'cause usually celebrities are far too busy working to come out and say hi.
No, he's around a lot lately.
I should know, because I'm the commander of the neighborhood watch.
Plus, I run the local, you know, community website next door.
Is this man bothering you like he bothers me? (laughs) No.
I was just telling them that your sprinklers are always on.
It's like, in the middle of a drought, they're always on.
Look, I'm also on City Councilman Scott's sustainability committee, so let me tell you.
What George is doing by constantly wasting water, it's a real problem for us all who live on this planet.
Okay, well, the sprinklers are on a on a timer.
They're usually not on this long, if you need to really know everything.
They're gonna be off in, like, two hours.
All right, well, listen.
Everybody has a good rest of the tour.
Good luck tonight at that open Mic.
And listen, I have a meeting with my manager about branding.
You know, branding is when you have a certain level of success, you become a brand, and that's what I have to go meet and talk about the brand.
The cookies look good.
For those of you obviously not from California, what George is doing is holding a large caliber handgun to the head of Mother Earth! Kablam! Kablam! Uh, all right, well, let's just get to the next house, guys.
Let's go over to Leo's house.
He's in a much better neighborhood than George.
George, this is Gabrielo Del Santo.
He is the Steve Jobs of branding, although alive, and not dull like the movie.
- Del Santo.
Is that black or Latino? - Exactly.
Gabrielo is so excited to help you broaden your audience so that we can snag that Vegas residency.
(sighs) Absolutely; let's just dive right in.
You see this guy right here? He's likeable, nonthreatening, right? But this guy? I mean, El Chapo, "Sicario.
" You know, you're a white man's worse nightmare.
I thought people liked this.
The numbers say that they absolutely do not.
Okay, let's move on to some more business.
First of all, George, I'm a huge fan.
Love you work.
- Oh, thanks, Gabrielo.
- You're welcome, but I'm black.
- Possibly Latino.
- Exactly.
The point is, George, is that it doesn't matter if I'm a fan.
- It doesn't? - Black people and Latino people, we're covered, all right? We're not the audience that you're after.
I love this.
He tells the truth.
- We can't tell the truth.
- Why not? Because we're not black.
- Can I say that? - Yeah, yeah.
- You are not black.
- Wait a minute.
I'm Latino; can I tell the truth about that? Of course, as can I.
For example, we know that your fan base is primarily Latino.
Well, there are some white people that come to the shows too.
Yeah, like, five, but we need more to make Vegas pop.
- So we can I say it? - Please.
- Booked you on "Ellen" next week.
- Surprise, it's imperative that we increase your presence with white females.
- And not just the ones on Tinder.
- I love Ellen, but I don't want to dance or sing or get pranked or be in a dunk tank.
I don't want to do like that.
That's stupid.
- You didn't You didn't tell him? - I didn't.
You have to do those things, and you will.
Yeah, it's imperative that white people think you're a good sport, okay? Another imperative area is your social media.
Me and my whole squad, we've been following that Twitter kerfuffle you've been having with that woman, and it's great, man.
It's so good.
Yeah, it's imperative that we capitalize on that buzz.
- Imperative.
- Like, what do you want me to do? Like, have sex with somebody on my yard? - Yes.
- No, no, no, no, no.
No.
Why no? Lawn sex is an uncharted territory.
You know, it's too risky.
What's up, boo boo? It certainly didn't help Sal Mineo, right? No.
George's hookup has served its purpose, and now it's time for him to pivot.
What's pivot? Write this down, Holly.
Pivoting is like, if you get known for sex and alcohol, you become Lindsay Lohan, right? - She never pivoted.
- Ah, that's right, you know? - She didn't pivot.
- But think about Kim Kardashian.
One day she's getting peed on by Ray J, and the next, she's opening her own fashion line on the runway in Paris.
I mean, that is some world-class pivoting, and I wasn't even involved in that.
Actually, Ray J never peed on Kim Kardashian.
Did he not? I feel like I remember him getting peed on.
R.
Kelly? I don't know if he Okay, no, yeah, you're right.
I stand corrected.
The point is, is that Kim K is a champ, and Ray J is a chump, because he didn't pivot.
Are you on board with all of this, man? Do you get it? Yeah, I need to I need to pivot.
- Absolutely, my man.
- Great.
Get in there.
Yeah, you deserve one.
Rain check.
Wow, pivot.
They do not teach that stuff at college.
You know, actually they do.
I'm an adjunct professor at Harvard, USC, and Full Sail University.
Ooh, okay, I see that a Starline tour goes by your house? - Oh, man, super annoying.
- Don't think of it that way.
Starline is, like, the Tiffany of bus tours.
Used correctly, they're mobile pivots, George.
- They are? - Oh, no.
Is this a video of you watering your lawn? - Why do you even have a lawn? - Yeah, why do you have a lawn, George? - What's wrong with having a lawn? - In California during a drought? - It's the worst thing in the world.
- It is.
Yeah, man.
It's worse than being a cop.
Yeah, that's bad.
- Wow.
- For real.
You can murder a guy in your lawn, but you better not water it.
Look, Holly, there's a lot I can do and basically nothing I can't do, 'cause I'm unbelievable at my job, but rebranding a grasshole in a drought? Come on, I'm not God.
Holly, I'll text you directions to that exclusive bowling party.
- What'd he call me? - A grasshole.
- Is that good? - Well, it can't be good, 'cause it's a compound word with "asshole.
" I don't know, man.
The guy called me a grasshole - and told me the meeting was over.
- What's a grasshole? I think it's a guy with a lawn; I don't know.
Man, that's ridiculous.
Well, whatever it is, I don't want to kill my lawn.
I never had one growing up.
I always wanted one.
Me either.
Well, we might have had a lawn, but there were so many cars on it, you couldn't even tell.
You know, the water being used on lawns isn't the problem.
This whole thing is racist against Latinos.
- True.
- Yeah.
If gavachas started doing yard maintenance, they'd be giving out awards for lawns.
Hey, I heard on a podcast that 96% of the water isn't used by people.
It's the corporations and agribusiness that's the problem.
That's why I stopped eating almonds.
I keep telling you.
This is why we need a podcast.
We do have things to say.
- George, could you be our first guest? - No.
Hey, why don't you put one of them reclaimed water signs on your front lawn, then keep water in it? I can head over to Woodland and grab one off the golf course right quick.
Hey, while you're there, can you get me - a golf cart battery? - Heck yeah.
This is great; I'm in a think tank with cholos.
Hey, that could be the name of our podcast.
(hip-hop music) (line trilling) - Hi, George.
- Hey, Holly, what's happening? So bad news.
Ellen does not feel comfortable having you on her show because of your lush green lawn, so they rescinded.
Did that come from Ellen, or did that come from Ellen's people? I don't know the answer to that question.
There are more unanswered questions in show business than there are in religion.
What I do know is that Ellen hates water injustice.
She lets all five of her lawns go brown.
Okay, so how does having five lawns help the environment? She's America's lesbian best friend.
Okay, it doesn't matter.
She's untouchable.
Look, Gabrielo and I were talking.
There's only one way for you to get out of this mess.
You need to kill your lawn.
Oh, okay, so you and Gabrielo put your heads together, and lawn murder is what you come up with? We need Gabrielo to get to Vegas, so we're gonna listen to him when he says to kill your lawn, or listen to me when I say, "Kill your lawn.
" Kill it, or I'll kill it myself.
Do you want me to come over? You're not, so I'll kill my lawn.
Great, thank you.
Hey, I think I see you.
I'm in the back of an Uber.
- What's up? - Hi.
Oh, my God.
What is this This is crazy.
Cool car.
Are we doing phone, or are we doing window? Oh, just leave me right here, dude.
I want to talk to Joseph right in the driveway.
I got to break the news to these guys.
- You gonna fire them? - I got to do something.
Que pasó, George? Trabajando duro? - Bien, aquí chambeando.
- Bueno.
Bueno.
Bueno.
- Qué estás haciendo? Trabajando? - Trabajando, man, duro.
We're at the home of notorious water waster, George Lopez.
- Oh, God.
- George clearly doesn't care Him too? A comer.
Párale.
Para el agua.
Vámonos.
- A comer.
Vámonos.
- Vengánse, muchachos.
Hey, if you want to see more of me, I'm gonna be performing at the Ice House out in Pasa-get down-dena tonight, so I've got some two-for-one passes and everything.
Hide, guys.
Hide.
Here we are at notorious water waster, George Lopez's house.
Hey, does anyone want to sign a petition against George Lopez? What? Everybody does? Oh, that's great.
You know, what Bill Cosby did for women, George does for agua.
Boss? What's with all the hiding? You know, uh, Joseph, I just want to say that you guys have done I mean, you are doing A great job.
Son chingones Los hombres.
And I just, you know, want to say - I appreciate everything - Que Esta pasando, jefe? Esto no me Gusta.
- Are you letting us go? - No.
You know, the thing is, Joseph, is that I've been taking a lot of heat, bro, from the man and Ellen, about using too much water, that we're in the drought, and I got to make changes.
Oh, you're one of those.
Thank God for my Persians.
They're tough.
They fight for their lawns.
- Pero tenemos chamba, o no? - Sí.
They didn't escape the ayatollah to come over here and live in another desert.
- Sí.
- Okay, man, listen, Joseph.
We known each other a long time.
You're a good friend.
I would still keep you guys on at the same pay.
You want me to take money for not working? I'm not white and it's not just that, I have a reputation to keep up.
All right, here's what we can do.
They only see the front yard, okay? So work on the backyard.
We'll keep it the way it is, and we'll let the front yard go brown.
Don't work in the front.
Only work in the back.
Still get paid.
- We can live with that.
- All right.
I'll give you your full check, but promise me one thing: that the privacy hedges right here, you let them grow to the sky.
- Not a problem.
- Oh, now he speaks English.
(hip-hop music) Well, George.
(laughs) Well, I guess the fear of God or my online petition got to you.
- Sorry to play hardball.
- No, you're not.
Yeah, you're right.
I loved it.
I just promised my wife, you know, to get you in line before she got back from New York.
She was supposed to be back yesterday.
- Her flight got delayed.
- Interesting, your wife's flights seem to get delayed a lot.
She must not be in a hurry to get home.
What what are you implying, George? I'm not implying anything.
I'm saying that I think maybe your wife has boyfriends, like, scattered all around the country, and she prefers to have sex with them - instead of you.
That's all.
- She's gonna beat the crap out of you when I tell her that you said that.
That's not funny.
Listen, I didn't bow down to pressure from you, okay? Steven, brown is the new green, my man.
Ah, dios mío, it's George Lopez.
You guys know George from various shows with his name in the title.
"The George Lopez Show," "Lopez Tonight.
" Okay, all right.
Starline Tour, you guys having a good tour so far? - (cheers and applause) - Yeah! What kind of trouble are you up to today, George? Oh, good trouble.
You know, healing the earth.
As you know, brown is the new green.
I've let my yard go brown due to the severe drought.
I'm an Eco warrior, if any of you guys know what that means.
It means you're a hero.
Well, that's funny.
That's that's funny.
You know, that guy right there, he wanted me to trim and cut down these beautiful trees.
To me, that's terrorism.
No, no, no, no.
Trim, not cut.
- (camera shutter clicks) - Don't take my picture.
Stop it.
In my backyard, I got huge piles of dirt.
I'd like to take you guys back there, but I feel a little bit weird.
Hey, that's awesome sauce, George.
You know what? You're like the Latino Ed Begley Jr.
Yeah, well, I am an environmentalist.
I'm no pussy like Ed Begley Jr.
That guy, I saw riding his bike down Ventura Boulevard.
A lay-down bike.
It's like, dude, are you gonna lay down, or are you gonna ride your bike? It was hysterical.
I almost crashed my electric car.
A scone flew out of my hand.
I had gluten-free shit flying all over the car.
I oh, I didn't see you there, kid.
- I'm sorry.
- I hear way worse from him.
- Who's Ed Begley? - Exactly.
He's an environmental pussy, that's who he is.
Oh, my God, that one That one got away from me; I'm sorry.
Well, let's keep it going, kids.
Let's go see Brie Larson.
Let's go to Brie Larson's house.
Or maybe it's Alison Brie.
Remember, when you're in my town, keep it brown.
Yes, sir.
Bro, don't make me take that thing away.
Oh, man, you should see all the stories about my environmentalism.
If there had been a drought during season two of "Lopez Tonight," - I'd still be on the air.
- Want one? None for George.
He's busy saving the earth.
- Again? - Come on, man.
You guys don't care about the environment? Sure, just not enough to make a bunch of Anglos feel good about themselves.
- Viva la raza.
- Viva.
What are you guys chatting about? - What, la raza? - Okay, listen.
You guys, I learned something today.
You guys live at home.
Well, you in a converted garage.
But you don't know the pressure of living in the spotlight.
Yeah, well, explain that to Joseph.
He lost a lot of yard work lately.
What? He told you that? I'm still paying them in full.
Doggy, it's not about the money.
It's about pride.
Pride.
You know what would make him proud? If he became my new driver.
- No, screw you.
- What happened to the pride now? - (cell phone chimes) - Oh, Google alert.
Watch this.
Oh, I just got a shout-out on "Goop" for letting my yard go natural.
Now, "Goop," 'cause I know you guys don't know.
Is Gwyneth Paltrow's website.
Gwyneth Paltrow? Really, homes? It's like somebody asked, "Who's the whitest celebrity you can think of?" This kind of stuff right here is the podcast, bro.
All right, listen.
I don't care what you guys think.
I've pivoted, and I got traction.
I'm trending.
And pivoting and traction are two of the most powerful words in the business, even more powerful than "Will Smith.
" (cell phone chimes) Oh, let's see who else loves G.
Lo.
Oh A women's militant group is mad at me because they're trying to reclaim the word "pussy.
" (laughs) Man, I'm never gonna be on Ellen's show.
Jefe, want me to do the face? - No.
- One time.
Go ahead.
All right, I feel a little bit better.
Hey, let's take that face to the carnival and have kids throw beanbags and try to win a fish.
Don't look at me with that face.
(knocking at door) - Who's that? - Oh, my God, they won't go away.
I'm not here.
George.
Open up.
Your neighbor says you're always home.
Oh, no.
Ed Begley.
- (knocking continues) - I know you're in there.
(thick accent) El señor Jorge, he not here.
Oh, this is a lovely house, George.
Hey, you know, we leave the bikes outside.
- Well, I leave mine inside.
- Okay.
Oh, you need to take it easy on the old AC, George.
What do you got? 68? Oh God.
68? Yeah, 92, that's The kid's always adjusting the temperature.
Hey, can I get you something to drink, Ed? Sure, George.
I'm kind of curious what you're gonna offer me.
Let me see.
Oh, man, I don't have anything here.
Not even some tea? Isn't that what a pussy would drink? Oh oh, come on.
Hey, Ed, listen, man.
I'm glad you're here.
That was that was taken out of context.
- Oh, really? - Uh-huh.
I'm no pussy like Ed Begley Jr.
Sounds pretty in context to me, George, and it's called a recumbent bike, not a "lay-down" bike.
I you know, I was wrong.
The shoes are scratching the floor.
You don't want to mess with the Beg.
You can, but you'll regret it, because I'm a real environmentalist.
You say you are, but these incandescent bulbs and this giant-sized margarita machine - tell a different story.
- It's a blender.
Listen, it tells you that I'm a drunk.
Ed, look, listen, man.
I'm like you, man.
I think we're off track.
I I'm an Eco warrior now, like you, man.
Listen, I'm a I'm gonna make a donation to Mother Jones.
- Oh, you might make a donation? - No, I am.
And, also, I'm gonna end my dependency on dinosaur wine, which you know is oil.
I see you've been to a couple of websites.
George, if you had come to me, I could have endorsed your environmentalism.
I'm trying to reach out to Latinos.
They're gonna be 25% of America in 2023.
So we see eye to eye, that, you know, Donald Trump's gonna use that as a negative.
We could have had a nice event at the Beverly Hilton, silent auction, gotten Los Lobos to play.
No, no, it's not too late.
We can get Los Lobos to play.
It's too late, George.
Let's cut to the chase.
You know you're a fraud.
I know you're a fraud.
And I'm gonna expose you before somebody else does and you give environmentalists a bad name.
Come on, Begs, you don't have to go like that.
Look at this right here.
This is what I'm talking about.
A bulb? - (glass shatters) - Ugh Who's the pussy now? Ed (whispers) You're scratching the floor.
Hey, I hear you, Ed.
Loud and clear.
- Do you? - You're scratching the (cell phone rings) Hello? George, man, what's up? It's Gabrielo.
Hey, Gabrielo, what's up? Man, I'm just calling to congratulate you on the whole lawn thing.
We are in such a strategic position with our social media right now.
Oh, man, that's cool.
That's awesome sauce, huh? - Don't use that phrase.
It's over.
- Oh, no.
Oh, I uploaded that exchange you had on the Starline bus tour earlier, and then I had you tweet out, "Brown is the new green," and it is getting It's getting traction, man.
It got traction? That's good.
You guys tweet it out for me? Yeah, man, I've got a whole team of interns tweeting for you, and get this, man, I've got Eco bloggers and photographers coming to your house, so be ready, okay? Oh, this is interesting.
Ed Begley Jr.
just tweeted, "#WhatlslnGeorgeLopez'sBackyard?" George, what is in your backyard? Is it something I should know about? (groans) Man, I got to go kill some more grass.
Joseph, stop watering the lawn.
I really am a grasshole.