Loudermilk (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
You're Only as Sick as Your Secrets
1 I need help.
- I can offer you help.
- And a place to stay.
[LAUGHS.]
That ain't happening.
- You should let her crash here.
- What? Show that you can be a good guy, you'll win some points with Allison.
I got a copy of your book.
Would you at least sign it for me? LOUDERMILK: You stay clean for 36 hours, the sofa's yours.
Deal.
Yeah.
I got to use the bathroom.
Just a second.
Look what I found behind the toilet.
I'm sorry, Sam.
Sorry doesn't cut it, man! You were supposed to watch her! You ever hear of a vision quest? CLAIRE: Don't leave me out of here, you son of a bitch! Aah! I'm leaving! Fuck you both! So when'd you have your last drink? 36 hours? You made it.
Uh, who are you again? I'm Carl.
Allison's boyfriend.
Yeah.
Enjoy your frittata.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hey, maybe you guys can Can you settle a bet for me? Sure.
I got a buddy who says Gettysburg was more deadly than Appomattox, okay.
And I tried to tell him that despite its prevalence in the cultural mindscape, Gettysburg's actually the less deadly of the two.
Am I right? How would we know? Well, 'cause you're Civil War re-enactors, right? I mean, there's no reason There's no reason to have beards like that in this day and age.
- We're not Civil War re-enactors.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I saw the itchy, flannel shirts, and I Are you Are you lumberjacks? No.
Time travelers? You're time travelers.
We're musicians, asshole.
Well, I hope the band is called The Time Traveling Lumberjacks of the Confederacy.
Fuck you! That is a pretty good band name, though.
You're welcome.
I-I was just thinking.
Have you ever said a word over and over, and then it starts to sound weird? There are a lot of words like that.
Towel.
Towel.
Towel? I dry off with a towel? Sponge.
Sponge.
Squeegee.
Squeegee.
Hmm.
It's all bathroom products, huh? Cunt fart's another one.
Cunt fart cunt fart cunt fart.
After a while, it just starts to lose its meaning.
Actually, not to be a stickler here, but "cunt fart" is two words.
It has a dash.
Cunt-dash-fart.
Yep.
Found the Harvard man.
Actually, the word I was thinking was, um, "daughter.
" Daughter.
Daughter, daughter.
See what I mean? Okay, so, why are thinking of the word "daughter"? I don't know.
It just pops into my head this time of year.
And maybe 'cause next week's my daughter's birthday.
Yeah, that That might have something to do with it.
I didn't know you had a daughter? What is a cunt fart anyway? It can't be gas, right? No, it's air.
Like, this one time I was having sex with Wyatt when he was on some kind of, like, herbal Viagra.
Let's just say he was pushing a lot of air up there.
Okay, thank you, Kate Middleton.
I think we ought to focus on Mugsy's thing.
No, I want to hear more about her thing.
Mugsy, what, uh Are you gonna see your daughter for her birthday? No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- I I haven't seen her in years.
- How come? Well, back when my old lady and me got divorced, my daughter There it is, "dau-daughter, daughter" Anyway, my daughter Latte, uh, she didn't like spending time with me on the weekends.
And then, one time, she and her friends, they wanted to go to a Hannah Montana concert.
She told me that was more important than being with her dad.
Uh, little star-fucker, huh? [LAUGHS.]
No.
That's gross.
So, anyway, I said, "No, it's my day, and you can see Hannah Montana anytime you want.
" So, she got pissed, and she said I was ruining her life, and that, uh, she didn't want to see me anymore.
So, that was it.
- LOUDERMILK: That was it? - Yeah, that was it.
Pretty strong words, wouldn't you say? No.
Teenagers say shit like that.
Listen, I-I-I would have accepted it if it came from a teenager.
She was only 10.
- You haven't seen her since she was 10? - No.
She made her choice, and I'm just honoring her wishes.
You know, like a good father does.
Jesus Christ, Mugsy, kids say dumb shit like that, okay? You got to You got to reach out to her.
No.
As far as I'm concerned, ball's in her court.
I'm here if she needs me.
She definitely needs you! Well, whatever.
It's too late now.
She's 18.
All grown up.
No, you're supposed to be the grown up, you dumb fuck! Now, come on! You're somebody's father! You start acting like one! You know, Hannah Montana doesn't even exist anymore.
She's turned into some kind of sex gremlin.
Isn't it a shame? Everybody changes.
Bruce Jenner's a chick.
Cute, little Chastity Bono turned into that singer from Smash Mouth.
Hey, where do you get that herbal Viagra anyway? Any gas station.
Goes by the name of "Nature's Rod.
" Hey, Eddie, you sure you're in the right group? What day is it? Shouldn't be too hard to find a 17-year-old girl named "Latte.
" By the way, what kind of maniac names his daughter "Latte"? What? Does he manage a Starbucks or something? From what I know about Mugsy, she's lucky her name's not "Quaalude" or "Hash Oil.
" [LAUGHS.]
"Hash Oil," though, that'd be a pretty cute name, like Popeye and Olive Oyl had a stoner daughter named "Hash Oil" and smokes all Popeye's spinach or something like that.
Oh! Here she is.
That's her Faux Friends page.
- Mm-hmm.
- How were you just able to do that? How are you not? I can't believe how ignorant you are when it comes to the Internet.
Well, it's like, I don't You know, I'm not a fan of the thing that destroyed the music industry.
I feel like I'm sleeping with the enemy now.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
Well, as long as you're sleeping with somebody.
[LAUGHS.]
You remember that movie? [LAUGHS.]
Hello? Hey, you.
No.
Well, no.
I-I don't know that I could right now.
LOUDERMILK: Huh.
Look at her.
She's adorable.
- Mugsy's a fucking idiot.
- Hey, you know, I got to go.
We're in the middle of something.
Okay, talk to you soon.
Bye.
Okay.
Yeah, I don't know how somebody goes eight years without talking to their own kid.
See if you can figure out where she lives or how I can get in touch with her.
Okay.
And, uh, do we have any more cranberry juice? Stop drinking cranberry juice.
You love cranberry juice.
No.
No.
I love vodka.
But I drink the cranberry juice so I can pretend I taste vodka.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
[SIGHS.]
Allison! Hi! Hi.
I made meatballs.
But Carl surprised me with a trip to Gaza for the weekend, so, you guys want them? Aw, that's very sweet.
Absolutely.
Thanks.
I don't have to share them with fuck face, do I? Uh, it might be nice.
Okay, but I'm in charge of them.
- Okay.
- Come on in.
- Am I interrupting, or? - BEN: Nah.
No, no, no.
I was just helping Loudermilk find a girl online.
Oh? Well, how's that going? Terrific.
We found her.
She's a little young, no? Yep.
She's 17.
But she's got a birthday coming up.
LOUDERMILK: Hey, you think she still likes Miley Cyrus? It might loosen her up if I brought her an album or s Hey! What are What are you doing here? I, um I just dropped by some meatballs, so, yeah, I'm I got to I got to go.
Oh.
Well, thanks.
That's That's, uh Huh.
She brought meatballs.
Yeah, but I'm in charge of them.
That was nice of her, right? She comes over, drops off meatballs, and leaves.
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
- She's, like, the perfect woman.
[LAUGHS.]
Hello? Who? No, you got the wrong number.
Oh, it's perfectly fine.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, you, too.
Bye.
[CHUCKLES.]
LOUDERMILK: You two would make an adorable couple.
- And I know you're both single.
- [SIGHS HEAVILY.]
FATHER MICHAEL: Shut your mouth, Loudermilk.
Mrs.
Wilkes stopped by to see if you've been making any progress with her daughter, Claire.
Actually, yeah.
She, uh, she opened up at the last meeting.
Oh? What did she say? Did she give you any indication - of why she dropped out of school? - Yeah, I don't I don't talk about what's said in the room.
But she did open up? I just told you she opened up.
The other day she called me a B-I-T-C-H.
Well, don't take it personally.
She's just lashing out.
No, that was a good thing.
She used to call me the "C" word and the "F" word.
A couple of times, she even called me the "N" word.
Uh, so she's getting better? Alphabetically-speaking.
I don't know.
I'd love to know what triggered this.
I know it was more than her father dying.
Well, why don't you fuckin' ask her? - Loudermilk! - What? Why does every conversation with you have to turn ugly? You asked me to help your daughter, not hump your leg.
There's a thing called accountability, and you need to open up an account.
You don't know me, and you don't know what I've been through.
All right.
I'll look into it.
What a cocksucker.
Yeah.
All right, so, last week, we touched on some very heavy stuff about fathers and daughters, which I'm sure hit home for a lot of us, right? Come on! Really? I took you down a very emotional road last time, and now, you're all sitting here on your hands with you mouths shut.
Except Roger.
What does that tell me? You, uh, suck at this? It tells me that nobody's doing the work in here but me! MUGSY: What are you talking about? We're all working very hard in here.
Yeah? H-How hard'd you work? Did you reach out to your daughter? There's no point.
She doesn't want to see me.
And even if she did want to see me, there'd There-there'd be no way for me to find her.
Yeah, bullshit.
I found her in two minutes on the Internet! She lives 20 minutes from here and goes to school right down the street.
ED: [LAUGHS.]
She's a cutie.
- She volunteers at a homeless shelter? - LOUDERMILK: Yeah.
Oh, so maybe she's not just a star-fucker.
That's good.
Good.
Gonna be there on Saturday, in fact.
I think it's a perfect opportunity for you to reintroduce yourself.
What What do you You mean just show up there? - And do what? - Talk to her.
Tell her you're her dad.
Tell her you're sorry.
Tell her you miss her.
Tell her you were wrong.
I-I wasn't wrong.
That was my day.
That was not Hannah Montana's day.
Yeah, but you let that ruin the relationship, and that was wrong.
No.
I can't.
- Why not? - Because he's a pussy.
ED: [CHUCKLES.]
Do you know how wrong it is to have a daughter and simply choose not to speak to her for eight years? I lost my dad, and it hurts every day.
Don't you know how important it is for a girl to have her dad Even a piece-of-shit dad like you? Hey, you think I wanted any of this to happen? Then fix it, dickhead! Grow some balls and go down there and see your little girl.
Yeah, and and say what? Well, now, maybe Claire could help you with that.
Because I'm sure she probably understands a little bit about how your daughter feels.
Yeah? Fuck it.
I'll go with you.
Mugsy? Okay.
And you say I suck at this! W-Well, you know.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- LOUDERMILK: Come on.
- MUGSY: Jesus.
This is kind of a shitty place - for my daughter to be hanging out.
- Be proud of her.
She's a young woman who want to make a difference.
And you gots to have a good woman.
Sound strategy.
Thank you.
This This is fucked up.
These guys all seem so lost and broken.
Except for that guy.
That guy's not, like, mentally-ill homeless, he's like bass player-homeless.
You know what these guys are, is quitters.
That's a little harsh.
No, they're lousy fucking quitters.
Life gives them a nut-punch, sure, but, uh, instead of digging in and fighting back, they just roll over and let it define who they're gonna be for the rest of their lives.
Didn't you quit being a music journalist? There she is.
Where? All right, now, come on.
Hey, hey, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
LOUDERMILK: Latte? Sam Loudermilk.
And I think you know who this guy is.
Hey.
I'm your father.
You want to tell her why you're here? Why? 'Cause you're homeless? Homeless? No.
Jesus.
Do I look like I'm homeless? A little.
No.
Listen, I was thinking, if you'd like, I-I-I'd like to see you again.
I know it's been a long time.
But I was thinking, if, you know, we could just get to know each other a little bit, if that's something you're comfortable with? This is weird.
Mom would never tell me where you were.
So, I kind of thought maybe you were dead.
Well, you know, in a way, I was.
Mm.
Mm.
Yes, but, uh, he's not dead, all right? I-I mean, you're lucky in that, Latte.
A lot of people, they lose their father, and And he never comes back.
Your dad was gone, but he-here he is.
He's back from the dead.
He's like He's like He's like E.
T.
in the cooler, right? I don't know what that is.
E.
T.
? You don't? The, uh, phone home.
Phone home.
Oh, man.
I-I've been a horrible dad.
Listen, I'm sorry.
I know you got a lot of anger, but I was thinking maybe we could, uh, start with an ice cream cone and put all of this behind us.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, 'cause that would make everything all better.
Okay, look, I accept your apology, but it doesn't change the fact that you walked out on your nine kids.
What?! You had nine kids? Seven.
The twins weren't born yet.
Jesus Christ! LATTE: If it's any consolation, the pain you caused me made me want to help other people in pain.
So, I'm a better person today because you left us.
Man and all this time, I was thinking I did the wrong thing.
Let's get out of here.
Hey.
[LAUGHS.]
Affinity, communication, and an empathy for human condition is what binds us, and keeps a soul in wonder.
Two things Don't touch me, and I think you pissed your jammies.
[LAUGHS.]
I like you! [LAUGHS.]
Ah, good I like that guy.
He fucking ditches out on nine kids?! Well, seven, because the twins weren't Jesus Christ.
My dad was a great guy, and this piece of shit gets to live.
Yeah, well, hey, you don't know what was going on in his life, all right? He's an addict.
That's the answer, right there.
Fuckin' Latte! She gets the shit end of the stick and she turns it into a candy cane.
And look at me.
I get every break in the world, and now I'm just some homeless junkie that sleeps on some asshole's couch.
You know, Ben's doing the best he can.
I don't All right, let's, uh Let's go for a walk, all right? No.
This way.
Come on.
You know, I bet if your dad was here, you'd probably tell him what was bothering you.
Of course, I'd be shitting my pants in horror, 'cause he's been dead for six months.
But he's not here.
I am.
What's eating at you? [SIGHS.]
Nothing's eating at me.
And if there was, I wouldn't tell you.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
CHARLIE: Little help? Uh, yeah, sure.
[CHUCKLES.]
What are you doing? What? Go throw with the guy.
What? Why? What do you mean "why"? Look at him.
He doesn't have anybody to play with.
Come on.
Come on.
You'll get along great together.
It's not my fault he doesn't have any friends.
Maybe he's a dick.
He's not a dick.
That guy Look at him.
Look at him.
He doesn't even know how to be a dick.
Get out there.
Come on.
Okay, fine.
CLAIRE: Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Charlie, that's high enough.
- Ah, quit your bitchin'.
- Oh, God.
It's like I'm at the Cirque du Soleil.
Hey, I got some stale gummy fish, if anybody wants? Crazy stale.
Kind of like eating birthday candles.
Thank you.
I got to go.
I hope to see you around.
All right, yeah.
Bye, Claire.
Bye.
Nice to see you.
What do you know, you're dating again! [CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY.]
B.
T.
dubs, we're out of bologna.
Well, FYI, we would have some if you didn't E-A-T it all.
But look how much time we're saving by verbally texting.
LMFAO.
I got some meatballs that Allison brought over.
Do they taste like unrequited love? Ha-ha-ha.
I think I got you finally figured out, Claire.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
It feels to me like you've lost somebody.
And that's what's got you down.
And I don't just mean your dad.
I know that's a big piece of it.
I certainly don't mean what's-his-name - Uh, Pigpen.
- Wyatt.
Yeah.
No, I'm thinking it's somebody else.
Like somebody you had feelings for.
Yeah? Am I right? Somebody at school? Another student maybe? No.
Was it a teacher? Oh, man.
Yeah, and then, that went south.
And that's why you quit school.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Professor Crane and I, we just We bonded over books.
Hmm.
And then it was lunch.
And then it was dinner.
And then it was more.
Um, and then it was over.
It was just It was the first time in a long time that I had felt seen.
And heard.
And connected.
It's affinity and communication and an empathy for the human condition that binds us all and keeps a soul in wonder.
What's that from? Well, fuck if I know.
So, why, uh Why'd it end? Because, um it had ran its course for her.
Oh.
Oh, all right.
How did you know? Uh, I you know, I just I had a hunch.
You know, had a gut feeling, took a stab at it.
Got to give you credit.
You're good at what you do, Loudermilk.
Mm.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Oh, hey, if this is Allison, can you tell her that the girl on the computer is Mugsy's daughter? Mm-hmm.
Think she bought it? What the fuck are you doing here? You owe me money.
I gave you 20 bucks yesterday.
Yeah, but I gave it to Claire for cigarettes.
$20 for cigarettes? Yeah.
Plus she showed me her tits.
Uh, that's your problem, Charlie.
I didn't tell you to do that.
Besides, she probably would have - showed 'em to you for free.
- Nunh-unh.
I asked.
You didn't even tell me the professor was a woman! I don't see gender.
By the way, Claire is a horrible fisherman.
What are you talking about? She had a hook stuck in her tits, man! All right, all right, here's 20 bucks, all right? Just go, okay? Charlie, the bill is good.
- Come on.
Get out of here! - Meatballs are ready! Hey, can you tell Charlie that we don't have his Frisbee? Yeah.
No.
Y-You had it when you were leaving, remember and You're a real piece of shit.
You set me up! You paid this little asshole to talk to me! - No.
- Yes, you did! Well, you had to talk to somebody.
You tricked me again! Mm.
If it ain't broke Look, the important thing is that the truth is out, okay? It's like Van Morrison said, - it's all part of "the Healing Game" - You know what? Fuck you and your stupid, old-man rock lyrics.
Fuck! [SIGHS.]
You like meatballs? I have Down's Syndrome.
Of course I love fuckin' meatballs! All right, come on.
Hey, you think Allison, uh, - heard Claire yelling at me last night? - [CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
I think they probably heard that in Spokane.
[LAUGHS.]
Hello? - God damn it.
No, no, no.
No, no.
- What're you doing? - What are you doing? - I've had it with that.
- What are you doing? - What are you doing?! Every time you answer the phone, you do this stupid, fake-ass laugh - as you pick it up.
- That's What? No, I don't.
No.
Here's you.
Here's you on the phone.
- Ah-ha-ha-ha hello? - No, I don't do that.
You do! You absolutely do! You do it every time.
It drives me fuckin' crazy! Okay.
I think you're exaggerating a little bit, Sam.
Oh, you Let's call.
Let's call.
I want to hear your answering machine message.
- Come on.
- No, I want to hear it.
Let's listen.
Because you could be you could be watching "Schindler's List" - at a funeral, all right? - [CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
and if the phone goes off, you turn into the fucking Pillsbury Doughboy! [GIGGLES.]
Here we go.
BEN: Hello? [LAUGHS.]
This is Ben.
Leave a message and I'll get back to you, oka? [LAUGHS.]
Okay, so let's talk about how that went down.
You're obviously at a comedy club, right? Billy Burr's in town, he's fuckin' killing it, you're laughing your ass off.
Then you say, "I'm gonna record my outgoing message! Ha-ha-ha-ha!" - Yeah? - No, I don't think so.
No.
- No? No? That's not how it happens? - No.
Well, what the fuck is it then, okay? Is it you just want the whole world to think that you're living in the middle of a laugh-riot or something? 'Cause that's bullshit! I live with you.
- I know that's bullshit.
- Okay, I'm an addict! Heaven forbid people hear me laugh once or twice on the phone! I mean, is it so bad for people - to think that I'm a happy guy? - What people? What people are you trying to fool? Are you trying to fool somebody out there? Or are you trying to fool yourself? So I have a laugh on the phone.
Whatever.
Big deal.
It's not just me, okay? A lot of people are talking about this.
What do you mean "a lot of people are talking about it"? If people are talking about it, how come I've never heard it? Well, maybe only a true friend would, uh, point it out to you.
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
- Oh, well, hopefully this is a real friend calling right now! [LAUGHS.]
Hello? I have a problem.
Well, I told my friend about him They all were on my side When I could see through the haze He looked so crazy I put my head right down And I cried For my poor lover Cried like a mother for my poor lover Well, I felt so sad about it
- I can offer you help.
- And a place to stay.
[LAUGHS.]
That ain't happening.
- You should let her crash here.
- What? Show that you can be a good guy, you'll win some points with Allison.
I got a copy of your book.
Would you at least sign it for me? LOUDERMILK: You stay clean for 36 hours, the sofa's yours.
Deal.
Yeah.
I got to use the bathroom.
Just a second.
Look what I found behind the toilet.
I'm sorry, Sam.
Sorry doesn't cut it, man! You were supposed to watch her! You ever hear of a vision quest? CLAIRE: Don't leave me out of here, you son of a bitch! Aah! I'm leaving! Fuck you both! So when'd you have your last drink? 36 hours? You made it.
Uh, who are you again? I'm Carl.
Allison's boyfriend.
Yeah.
Enjoy your frittata.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hey, maybe you guys can Can you settle a bet for me? Sure.
I got a buddy who says Gettysburg was more deadly than Appomattox, okay.
And I tried to tell him that despite its prevalence in the cultural mindscape, Gettysburg's actually the less deadly of the two.
Am I right? How would we know? Well, 'cause you're Civil War re-enactors, right? I mean, there's no reason There's no reason to have beards like that in this day and age.
- We're not Civil War re-enactors.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I saw the itchy, flannel shirts, and I Are you Are you lumberjacks? No.
Time travelers? You're time travelers.
We're musicians, asshole.
Well, I hope the band is called The Time Traveling Lumberjacks of the Confederacy.
Fuck you! That is a pretty good band name, though.
You're welcome.
I-I was just thinking.
Have you ever said a word over and over, and then it starts to sound weird? There are a lot of words like that.
Towel.
Towel.
Towel? I dry off with a towel? Sponge.
Sponge.
Squeegee.
Squeegee.
Hmm.
It's all bathroom products, huh? Cunt fart's another one.
Cunt fart cunt fart cunt fart.
After a while, it just starts to lose its meaning.
Actually, not to be a stickler here, but "cunt fart" is two words.
It has a dash.
Cunt-dash-fart.
Yep.
Found the Harvard man.
Actually, the word I was thinking was, um, "daughter.
" Daughter.
Daughter, daughter.
See what I mean? Okay, so, why are thinking of the word "daughter"? I don't know.
It just pops into my head this time of year.
And maybe 'cause next week's my daughter's birthday.
Yeah, that That might have something to do with it.
I didn't know you had a daughter? What is a cunt fart anyway? It can't be gas, right? No, it's air.
Like, this one time I was having sex with Wyatt when he was on some kind of, like, herbal Viagra.
Let's just say he was pushing a lot of air up there.
Okay, thank you, Kate Middleton.
I think we ought to focus on Mugsy's thing.
No, I want to hear more about her thing.
Mugsy, what, uh Are you gonna see your daughter for her birthday? No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- I I haven't seen her in years.
- How come? Well, back when my old lady and me got divorced, my daughter There it is, "dau-daughter, daughter" Anyway, my daughter Latte, uh, she didn't like spending time with me on the weekends.
And then, one time, she and her friends, they wanted to go to a Hannah Montana concert.
She told me that was more important than being with her dad.
Uh, little star-fucker, huh? [LAUGHS.]
No.
That's gross.
So, anyway, I said, "No, it's my day, and you can see Hannah Montana anytime you want.
" So, she got pissed, and she said I was ruining her life, and that, uh, she didn't want to see me anymore.
So, that was it.
- LOUDERMILK: That was it? - Yeah, that was it.
Pretty strong words, wouldn't you say? No.
Teenagers say shit like that.
Listen, I-I-I would have accepted it if it came from a teenager.
She was only 10.
- You haven't seen her since she was 10? - No.
She made her choice, and I'm just honoring her wishes.
You know, like a good father does.
Jesus Christ, Mugsy, kids say dumb shit like that, okay? You got to You got to reach out to her.
No.
As far as I'm concerned, ball's in her court.
I'm here if she needs me.
She definitely needs you! Well, whatever.
It's too late now.
She's 18.
All grown up.
No, you're supposed to be the grown up, you dumb fuck! Now, come on! You're somebody's father! You start acting like one! You know, Hannah Montana doesn't even exist anymore.
She's turned into some kind of sex gremlin.
Isn't it a shame? Everybody changes.
Bruce Jenner's a chick.
Cute, little Chastity Bono turned into that singer from Smash Mouth.
Hey, where do you get that herbal Viagra anyway? Any gas station.
Goes by the name of "Nature's Rod.
" Hey, Eddie, you sure you're in the right group? What day is it? Shouldn't be too hard to find a 17-year-old girl named "Latte.
" By the way, what kind of maniac names his daughter "Latte"? What? Does he manage a Starbucks or something? From what I know about Mugsy, she's lucky her name's not "Quaalude" or "Hash Oil.
" [LAUGHS.]
"Hash Oil," though, that'd be a pretty cute name, like Popeye and Olive Oyl had a stoner daughter named "Hash Oil" and smokes all Popeye's spinach or something like that.
Oh! Here she is.
That's her Faux Friends page.
- Mm-hmm.
- How were you just able to do that? How are you not? I can't believe how ignorant you are when it comes to the Internet.
Well, it's like, I don't You know, I'm not a fan of the thing that destroyed the music industry.
I feel like I'm sleeping with the enemy now.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
Well, as long as you're sleeping with somebody.
[LAUGHS.]
You remember that movie? [LAUGHS.]
Hello? Hey, you.
No.
Well, no.
I-I don't know that I could right now.
LOUDERMILK: Huh.
Look at her.
She's adorable.
- Mugsy's a fucking idiot.
- Hey, you know, I got to go.
We're in the middle of something.
Okay, talk to you soon.
Bye.
Okay.
Yeah, I don't know how somebody goes eight years without talking to their own kid.
See if you can figure out where she lives or how I can get in touch with her.
Okay.
And, uh, do we have any more cranberry juice? Stop drinking cranberry juice.
You love cranberry juice.
No.
No.
I love vodka.
But I drink the cranberry juice so I can pretend I taste vodka.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
[SIGHS.]
Allison! Hi! Hi.
I made meatballs.
But Carl surprised me with a trip to Gaza for the weekend, so, you guys want them? Aw, that's very sweet.
Absolutely.
Thanks.
I don't have to share them with fuck face, do I? Uh, it might be nice.
Okay, but I'm in charge of them.
- Okay.
- Come on in.
- Am I interrupting, or? - BEN: Nah.
No, no, no.
I was just helping Loudermilk find a girl online.
Oh? Well, how's that going? Terrific.
We found her.
She's a little young, no? Yep.
She's 17.
But she's got a birthday coming up.
LOUDERMILK: Hey, you think she still likes Miley Cyrus? It might loosen her up if I brought her an album or s Hey! What are What are you doing here? I, um I just dropped by some meatballs, so, yeah, I'm I got to I got to go.
Oh.
Well, thanks.
That's That's, uh Huh.
She brought meatballs.
Yeah, but I'm in charge of them.
That was nice of her, right? She comes over, drops off meatballs, and leaves.
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
- She's, like, the perfect woman.
[LAUGHS.]
Hello? Who? No, you got the wrong number.
Oh, it's perfectly fine.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, you, too.
Bye.
[CHUCKLES.]
LOUDERMILK: You two would make an adorable couple.
- And I know you're both single.
- [SIGHS HEAVILY.]
FATHER MICHAEL: Shut your mouth, Loudermilk.
Mrs.
Wilkes stopped by to see if you've been making any progress with her daughter, Claire.
Actually, yeah.
She, uh, she opened up at the last meeting.
Oh? What did she say? Did she give you any indication - of why she dropped out of school? - Yeah, I don't I don't talk about what's said in the room.
But she did open up? I just told you she opened up.
The other day she called me a B-I-T-C-H.
Well, don't take it personally.
She's just lashing out.
No, that was a good thing.
She used to call me the "C" word and the "F" word.
A couple of times, she even called me the "N" word.
Uh, so she's getting better? Alphabetically-speaking.
I don't know.
I'd love to know what triggered this.
I know it was more than her father dying.
Well, why don't you fuckin' ask her? - Loudermilk! - What? Why does every conversation with you have to turn ugly? You asked me to help your daughter, not hump your leg.
There's a thing called accountability, and you need to open up an account.
You don't know me, and you don't know what I've been through.
All right.
I'll look into it.
What a cocksucker.
Yeah.
All right, so, last week, we touched on some very heavy stuff about fathers and daughters, which I'm sure hit home for a lot of us, right? Come on! Really? I took you down a very emotional road last time, and now, you're all sitting here on your hands with you mouths shut.
Except Roger.
What does that tell me? You, uh, suck at this? It tells me that nobody's doing the work in here but me! MUGSY: What are you talking about? We're all working very hard in here.
Yeah? H-How hard'd you work? Did you reach out to your daughter? There's no point.
She doesn't want to see me.
And even if she did want to see me, there'd There-there'd be no way for me to find her.
Yeah, bullshit.
I found her in two minutes on the Internet! She lives 20 minutes from here and goes to school right down the street.
ED: [LAUGHS.]
She's a cutie.
- She volunteers at a homeless shelter? - LOUDERMILK: Yeah.
Oh, so maybe she's not just a star-fucker.
That's good.
Good.
Gonna be there on Saturday, in fact.
I think it's a perfect opportunity for you to reintroduce yourself.
What What do you You mean just show up there? - And do what? - Talk to her.
Tell her you're her dad.
Tell her you're sorry.
Tell her you miss her.
Tell her you were wrong.
I-I wasn't wrong.
That was my day.
That was not Hannah Montana's day.
Yeah, but you let that ruin the relationship, and that was wrong.
No.
I can't.
- Why not? - Because he's a pussy.
ED: [CHUCKLES.]
Do you know how wrong it is to have a daughter and simply choose not to speak to her for eight years? I lost my dad, and it hurts every day.
Don't you know how important it is for a girl to have her dad Even a piece-of-shit dad like you? Hey, you think I wanted any of this to happen? Then fix it, dickhead! Grow some balls and go down there and see your little girl.
Yeah, and and say what? Well, now, maybe Claire could help you with that.
Because I'm sure she probably understands a little bit about how your daughter feels.
Yeah? Fuck it.
I'll go with you.
Mugsy? Okay.
And you say I suck at this! W-Well, you know.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- LOUDERMILK: Come on.
- MUGSY: Jesus.
This is kind of a shitty place - for my daughter to be hanging out.
- Be proud of her.
She's a young woman who want to make a difference.
And you gots to have a good woman.
Sound strategy.
Thank you.
This This is fucked up.
These guys all seem so lost and broken.
Except for that guy.
That guy's not, like, mentally-ill homeless, he's like bass player-homeless.
You know what these guys are, is quitters.
That's a little harsh.
No, they're lousy fucking quitters.
Life gives them a nut-punch, sure, but, uh, instead of digging in and fighting back, they just roll over and let it define who they're gonna be for the rest of their lives.
Didn't you quit being a music journalist? There she is.
Where? All right, now, come on.
Hey, hey, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
LOUDERMILK: Latte? Sam Loudermilk.
And I think you know who this guy is.
Hey.
I'm your father.
You want to tell her why you're here? Why? 'Cause you're homeless? Homeless? No.
Jesus.
Do I look like I'm homeless? A little.
No.
Listen, I was thinking, if you'd like, I-I-I'd like to see you again.
I know it's been a long time.
But I was thinking, if, you know, we could just get to know each other a little bit, if that's something you're comfortable with? This is weird.
Mom would never tell me where you were.
So, I kind of thought maybe you were dead.
Well, you know, in a way, I was.
Mm.
Mm.
Yes, but, uh, he's not dead, all right? I-I mean, you're lucky in that, Latte.
A lot of people, they lose their father, and And he never comes back.
Your dad was gone, but he-here he is.
He's back from the dead.
He's like He's like He's like E.
T.
in the cooler, right? I don't know what that is.
E.
T.
? You don't? The, uh, phone home.
Phone home.
Oh, man.
I-I've been a horrible dad.
Listen, I'm sorry.
I know you got a lot of anger, but I was thinking maybe we could, uh, start with an ice cream cone and put all of this behind us.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, 'cause that would make everything all better.
Okay, look, I accept your apology, but it doesn't change the fact that you walked out on your nine kids.
What?! You had nine kids? Seven.
The twins weren't born yet.
Jesus Christ! LATTE: If it's any consolation, the pain you caused me made me want to help other people in pain.
So, I'm a better person today because you left us.
Man and all this time, I was thinking I did the wrong thing.
Let's get out of here.
Hey.
[LAUGHS.]
Affinity, communication, and an empathy for human condition is what binds us, and keeps a soul in wonder.
Two things Don't touch me, and I think you pissed your jammies.
[LAUGHS.]
I like you! [LAUGHS.]
Ah, good I like that guy.
He fucking ditches out on nine kids?! Well, seven, because the twins weren't Jesus Christ.
My dad was a great guy, and this piece of shit gets to live.
Yeah, well, hey, you don't know what was going on in his life, all right? He's an addict.
That's the answer, right there.
Fuckin' Latte! She gets the shit end of the stick and she turns it into a candy cane.
And look at me.
I get every break in the world, and now I'm just some homeless junkie that sleeps on some asshole's couch.
You know, Ben's doing the best he can.
I don't All right, let's, uh Let's go for a walk, all right? No.
This way.
Come on.
You know, I bet if your dad was here, you'd probably tell him what was bothering you.
Of course, I'd be shitting my pants in horror, 'cause he's been dead for six months.
But he's not here.
I am.
What's eating at you? [SIGHS.]
Nothing's eating at me.
And if there was, I wouldn't tell you.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
CHARLIE: Little help? Uh, yeah, sure.
[CHUCKLES.]
What are you doing? What? Go throw with the guy.
What? Why? What do you mean "why"? Look at him.
He doesn't have anybody to play with.
Come on.
Come on.
You'll get along great together.
It's not my fault he doesn't have any friends.
Maybe he's a dick.
He's not a dick.
That guy Look at him.
Look at him.
He doesn't even know how to be a dick.
Get out there.
Come on.
Okay, fine.
CLAIRE: Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Charlie, that's high enough.
- Ah, quit your bitchin'.
- Oh, God.
It's like I'm at the Cirque du Soleil.
Hey, I got some stale gummy fish, if anybody wants? Crazy stale.
Kind of like eating birthday candles.
Thank you.
I got to go.
I hope to see you around.
All right, yeah.
Bye, Claire.
Bye.
Nice to see you.
What do you know, you're dating again! [CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY.]
B.
T.
dubs, we're out of bologna.
Well, FYI, we would have some if you didn't E-A-T it all.
But look how much time we're saving by verbally texting.
LMFAO.
I got some meatballs that Allison brought over.
Do they taste like unrequited love? Ha-ha-ha.
I think I got you finally figured out, Claire.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
It feels to me like you've lost somebody.
And that's what's got you down.
And I don't just mean your dad.
I know that's a big piece of it.
I certainly don't mean what's-his-name - Uh, Pigpen.
- Wyatt.
Yeah.
No, I'm thinking it's somebody else.
Like somebody you had feelings for.
Yeah? Am I right? Somebody at school? Another student maybe? No.
Was it a teacher? Oh, man.
Yeah, and then, that went south.
And that's why you quit school.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Professor Crane and I, we just We bonded over books.
Hmm.
And then it was lunch.
And then it was dinner.
And then it was more.
Um, and then it was over.
It was just It was the first time in a long time that I had felt seen.
And heard.
And connected.
It's affinity and communication and an empathy for the human condition that binds us all and keeps a soul in wonder.
What's that from? Well, fuck if I know.
So, why, uh Why'd it end? Because, um it had ran its course for her.
Oh.
Oh, all right.
How did you know? Uh, I you know, I just I had a hunch.
You know, had a gut feeling, took a stab at it.
Got to give you credit.
You're good at what you do, Loudermilk.
Mm.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Oh, hey, if this is Allison, can you tell her that the girl on the computer is Mugsy's daughter? Mm-hmm.
Think she bought it? What the fuck are you doing here? You owe me money.
I gave you 20 bucks yesterday.
Yeah, but I gave it to Claire for cigarettes.
$20 for cigarettes? Yeah.
Plus she showed me her tits.
Uh, that's your problem, Charlie.
I didn't tell you to do that.
Besides, she probably would have - showed 'em to you for free.
- Nunh-unh.
I asked.
You didn't even tell me the professor was a woman! I don't see gender.
By the way, Claire is a horrible fisherman.
What are you talking about? She had a hook stuck in her tits, man! All right, all right, here's 20 bucks, all right? Just go, okay? Charlie, the bill is good.
- Come on.
Get out of here! - Meatballs are ready! Hey, can you tell Charlie that we don't have his Frisbee? Yeah.
No.
Y-You had it when you were leaving, remember and You're a real piece of shit.
You set me up! You paid this little asshole to talk to me! - No.
- Yes, you did! Well, you had to talk to somebody.
You tricked me again! Mm.
If it ain't broke Look, the important thing is that the truth is out, okay? It's like Van Morrison said, - it's all part of "the Healing Game" - You know what? Fuck you and your stupid, old-man rock lyrics.
Fuck! [SIGHS.]
You like meatballs? I have Down's Syndrome.
Of course I love fuckin' meatballs! All right, come on.
Hey, you think Allison, uh, - heard Claire yelling at me last night? - [CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
I think they probably heard that in Spokane.
[LAUGHS.]
Hello? - God damn it.
No, no, no.
No, no.
- What're you doing? - What are you doing? - I've had it with that.
- What are you doing? - What are you doing?! Every time you answer the phone, you do this stupid, fake-ass laugh - as you pick it up.
- That's What? No, I don't.
No.
Here's you.
Here's you on the phone.
- Ah-ha-ha-ha hello? - No, I don't do that.
You do! You absolutely do! You do it every time.
It drives me fuckin' crazy! Okay.
I think you're exaggerating a little bit, Sam.
Oh, you Let's call.
Let's call.
I want to hear your answering machine message.
- Come on.
- No, I want to hear it.
Let's listen.
Because you could be you could be watching "Schindler's List" - at a funeral, all right? - [CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
and if the phone goes off, you turn into the fucking Pillsbury Doughboy! [GIGGLES.]
Here we go.
BEN: Hello? [LAUGHS.]
This is Ben.
Leave a message and I'll get back to you, oka? [LAUGHS.]
Okay, so let's talk about how that went down.
You're obviously at a comedy club, right? Billy Burr's in town, he's fuckin' killing it, you're laughing your ass off.
Then you say, "I'm gonna record my outgoing message! Ha-ha-ha-ha!" - Yeah? - No, I don't think so.
No.
- No? No? That's not how it happens? - No.
Well, what the fuck is it then, okay? Is it you just want the whole world to think that you're living in the middle of a laugh-riot or something? 'Cause that's bullshit! I live with you.
- I know that's bullshit.
- Okay, I'm an addict! Heaven forbid people hear me laugh once or twice on the phone! I mean, is it so bad for people - to think that I'm a happy guy? - What people? What people are you trying to fool? Are you trying to fool somebody out there? Or are you trying to fool yourself? So I have a laugh on the phone.
Whatever.
Big deal.
It's not just me, okay? A lot of people are talking about this.
What do you mean "a lot of people are talking about it"? If people are talking about it, how come I've never heard it? Well, maybe only a true friend would, uh, point it out to you.
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
- Oh, well, hopefully this is a real friend calling right now! [LAUGHS.]
Hello? I have a problem.
Well, I told my friend about him They all were on my side When I could see through the haze He looked so crazy I put my head right down And I cried For my poor lover Cried like a mother for my poor lover Well, I felt so sad about it