Lovejoy (1986) s01e03 Episode Script

(Man) Who'll start me at 100? Who'll give me 10, who'll make it 110? I'm looking for 110.
Who'll make it 20? Come on, gentlemen, who'll make it 20? Do I hear 50? 150 anywhere? Come on, gentlemen, that's a genuine antique.
They don't come up every day.
150? Come on, gentlemen, I'm looking for 350.
Don't lose it, madam, don't lose it for another 50.
At 350.
Who'll make it four? I'm looking for four.
Any more? At 350.
Are you all done? At 350? At 350 Lovejoy.
Well, why would your friend come all the way from Chelmsford just to see me? Unless he'd heard of Woody's cuisine.
Sergeant Lloyd came because Sergeant Lloyd is attached to the Fraud Squad.
And he wants to ask you some questions about a particular picture.
What picture? According to a Mr.
Leonard Cousins, of Ridgeley near Chelmsford you sold him this picture confirming it was a 19th-century watercolor by George Sheffield.
He bought what he saw.
He liked what he saw.
It looks like a George Sheffield but that doesn't mean to say I said it was.
You pass off someone else's work for gain, you'll end up inside, Lovejoy.
Oh, not yet, Sarge.
I'll have to operate.
Woody, scalpel.
Forceps! Oh, never mind I'll use this knife.
- What are you up to, Lovejoy? - Proving my innocence.
I spend most of my life proving my innocence.
I know all about passing off other people's work, Sergeant, and I can make any likeness I want providing I don't infringe copyright.
Which means I can paint any picture I want.
As long as I sign my own name.
Excuse me.
Genuine Lovejoy.
You really could have saved your trip from Chelmsford.
Lovejoy? - I need a favor.
- We all do, Charlie.
I'm sure I need more favors than you.
I'm a penniless God-fearing dealer, whereas you own half the town and most of the people in it.
A mutual favor, boy.
You do something for me, I give you money.
That's a tempting word to penniless God-fearing people.
- Go on.
- My auctioneer's sick.
We've an auction tomorrow.
So I have three other places.
There's no one available.
Will you stand in? That's not quite honest, you know, Charlie.
A dealer, doing an auction.
Is that going to stop you? (Man) Look, I promise you it's not like anything else.
No, look, it's really good stuff.
There's been such shit recently.
- Morning, Reg.
- Hello, Lovejoy.
So you're going to help us, Lovejoy? A man whose electricity's been cut off has no choice, Fred.
Old Harry took sick, inflamed broncs or something.
He's never been a well man.
Good thing you stay in shape though, Fred.
You still doing the aerobics? Er, Reg and Arnold will be your miffs tomorrow.
Are you expecting a big crowd? Many pros? I think that bunch from Brighton are coming.
Georgian commemorative medals, they're after.
I never liked that lot.
Think I'll throw in a couple off the ward, make them dig deeper.
- I didn't hear that, Lovejoy.
- Of course you didn't, Mr.
Bigelow.
(Lovejoy) Gimbert's is a typical auction, such as you'll find in any quaint, sleepy English country town.
Behind that august classical exterior beats the scarlet emotion of pure greed.
I'm afraid when antiques come in at the door, morality exits through the window.
It's no one's fault really.
It's just the way we're made.
If I wasn't made the way I am I wouldn't have taken the gig.
I wouldn't have met the girl.
If someone wants to buy, I sell.
- I'm not a pawnbroker, my dear.
- I know.
It's just that I thought they might be still here.
They are rather expensive after all.
Well, you might be in luck.
Let me look in my book.
A dealer bought them from Suffolk if I remember rightly.
Hello, Cuthie.
(Laughs) I haven't seen you in ages.
I don't get out of the house much, Lovejoy.
Considering what you do in there it's just as well.
Now, now, now.
I'm a copyist, my son.
One of a dying breed.
(Laughs) Hello, Lovejoy.
I hear you're in charge.
- "Have gavel will travel," eh? - Oh, please, Eric.
"Georgian walnut veneered cabinet.
" I must admit it's not a bad fake though, is it? - Not Georgian? - No.
Bloke called Tredaway.
Knocks out one of these every month in his shed near Ipswich.
- Didn't fool me neither.
- Catchpole.
- (Whispers) Look.
- What? Amazing.
Well? Um Some sort of Chinese vase, yeah? It's not some sort of anything, it is a beautiful, superb 15th-century Korean stoneware pot.
I was nearly right.
I knew it was somewhere around there.
Tell Tinker to get his bum in here.
Bid for lot 62.
- Well, where will I find him? - They're open, aren't they? - Breakfast, Tink? - (Slurring) Elevenses.
- Ah, there you are.
- Ah, what do you want? Lovejoy wants you.
And I don't reckon it's for anything honest.
And the next lot, a Georgian walnut veneer cabinet.
Showing here, sir.
Oh, shall we start at say 350? Do I hear 350? What would you bid, lovey? You know the real thing when you see it.
Very true, Helen, but unfortunately your legs are not in the auction.
(Laughter) Once.
Ah, 500.
Going once.
Come on, you cheap lot.
Five, going Gone at 500! Grant.
West Bothant.
- Lot 62.
- Showing here, sir.
It's some sort of oriental bottle.
Allegedly Korean.
Shall we start the biding at say, 350? Do I hear 350? Thank you.
375? Ah, gentlefolk.
We are privileged to have with us Monsieur Dandy Jack.
One of the world's leading authorities on objets d'art.
Though we all know he can't tell the difference between a medieval chalice and a chip pan.
- And he's brought a friend with him.
- (Laughter) Heard something funny, Bigelow? I have 450.
Sold, 450.
- That was very, very wicked.
- My remark? But, Helen, it's true your legs are renowned.
Correct.
But I meant the Korean bottle.
Alas, I have betrayed the secret trust of the brotherhood of auctioneers, I shall have to hand in my gavel.
- Well, I'll settle for a large vodka and tonic.
- That's done.
(Laughter) Hello? I wondered if I might have a word with you? - I'm Carinna Hope.
- Lovejoy.
Eric Catchpole, Tinker Dill.
Don't be alarmed by the bloodshot eyes, he's the finest barker in the business.
Really.
Would you like to talk somewhere more private? - Please.
- Gentlemen.
Why are these figures so important? Well Recently, my mother was forced to sell off quite a considerable amount of things.
Daddy died and we have quite a large estate and - Oh, death duties.
- Yes, yes.
Oh, go on.
She was particularly fond of these figures.
I mean there are emotional attachments, I suppose.
I just wanted to get them back for her, that's all.
Would you like me to find them for you? - Please, and buy them for me.
- Mm? Well I'm sure you'd be much better than me at bidding.
You know, that kind of thing.
How much are you prepared to bid? I have £3,000.
Should be more then enough.
Of course I shall expect you to take something for yourself.
How do you know I won't cash this and toddle off to the Bahamas? Dill.
Oh, that's very kind of you, I'll have a gin.
- Lot 62.
- What about lot 62? You bought it.
You're the proud possessor of a 15th-century Korean pot.
Or at least you will be, when you cough up £450.
I'm even now awaiting the imminent arrival of my backers with the readies, Mr.
Bigelow.
I should hope so, Mr.
Dill.
I know you get the heart tremors whenever you see something you fancy, old son, but we really should have the wherewithal to cover the bid.
- If we can't pay up, well - Well what? Could damage our credibility.
(Both laugh) Having a right old giggle you two, are you, eh? A right old belly laugh about this morning? - What are you talking about, Charlie? - His Korean bloody bottle.
- Or yours as now is.
- Tinker just doesn't bark for me.
Oh, come off it, Lovejoy.
That was your scam.
You closed the bid before the rest of us had blinked an eyelid.
You reckon? Then 600 would still be a song, wouldn't it? You wanna lay it off already? It's obviously dear to your heart, Charlie, otherwise you wouldn't be so upset.
- 550? - (Lovejoy and Tink) Done.
No, no.
That'll do.
You can give Bigelow the balance.
You hadn't even paid for the bloody thing.
(Both laugh) (Phone) Hello? - Hello? - Hello, Dad.
- Oh, it's you, Kate.
- You know we've broken up? Of course not.
I'm just on my way to the station.
- What time will you be here? - Oh, before lunch.
Oh, we aren't going to go poking around Portobello Road and Islington looking for moldy old antiques, are we? - I promise.
- Can we have lunch at the Hard Rock? It's so noisy Kate.
Oh, Dad, you're so boring.
All right, all right, all right.
- Do you want to pick me up here? - No.
Mummy won't be in.
All right, darling.
I'll see you around 12:30ish then.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Oh! No, I'm sorry Lady Felsham's not at home.
Oh, it's you, Mr.
Lovejoy.
No, she won't be back until next week, she's gone to a christening in Cirencester.
Yeah, bye.
- Was that for me, Mrs.
Cameron? - Er, no, sir.
- It was that Mr.
Lovejoy.
- Oh, was it? I can't for the life of me imagine what my wife sees in that chap.
Does he come here very often, Mrs.
Cameron? Only, I think, to restore things, sir.
Mm.
Right.
(Phone) Hello.
Who? Are you Mr.
Lovejoy, Mr.
Lovejoy? I am both, sir.
Someone wants you on the phone.
What? Here you go.
Hope it ain't tragic, mate.
Lovejoy.
Ah, Lovejoy, caught you.
Good.
Young Catchpole told me you were off to the smoke.
In a couple of minutes, what's the matter? Well, those two Myson figures you asked me to trace.
You found them? There coming up at Ellaby's at Chad market.
Great, Cuthie.
When? Today, Lovejoy, this afternoon.
That's the panic.
Today? I can't make today! Eric! Ah, did Cuthie get you? I came over just in case.
Good, lad.
Listen.
There's gotta be somebody covering Chad market.
Try Tinker but I think he's away.
Well, if not, anyone we know.
Get the details from Cuthie and give whoever goes this check.
- Can't I manage? - It's a lot to ask, kid, it's an auction.
You'll find someone.
Dandy Jack, Helen.
Lovejoy! Oh, come on.
There are three types of restaurants I can't stand.
Ones where Italian waiters sing Happy Birthday to you.
Ones where they cook steak Diane under your nose and ones where you can't make a reservation.
Oh, so you don't mind ones that play Big Country at full blast during your hamburger.
(Horn toots) Bloody lunatic! What the hell do you want? Morning, Mr.
Gimbert.
I heard you're off to Chad market.
Lovejoy wants a favor.
Hey, Mr.
Lovejoy? Mr.
Lovejoy! Message for you.
From Eric.
- Cheers.
- Oh, anytime.
Phone calls, messages, feel free.
Drop your laundry off if you want! Oh, thanks.
Easy on the starch, all right? Oh, no! You shouldn't see me look like this.
- Like what? - Without me face on.
Amanda, I've seen you without your face on.
- Not for a long time you haven't.
- May I come in, please? If you've just come by on the off chance, you've picked the wrong moment.
Charlie's indoors and I'm off to a barbecue.
In this? It's indoors.
Actually, darling, I just came out to see your brother.
Oh, sod you then.
He's in the lounge.
He looks like he's got Nora Batty's socks on, therel They policemen have flat feet.
They got webbed feet in thisl - What the heck do you want? - I was a bit anxious about the figures.
- You picked them up, didn't you? - Oh, them.
- No, afraid I didn't.
- What?! I was outbid.
Some other party went over the three grand.
I could have kept going with my own money of course but then I'd have to get it back off you.
And that would have been a bit daft, wouldn't it? Sorry about that, I didn't realize they meant so much to you.
Who was it? Anyone we know? None of the lads, didn't look like no dealer neither.
Some punter.
Still, not the end of the world, is it? I just don't like letting people down, that's all.
Oh, come off it, Lovejoy, that's what you do best.
(Answerphone) If you wish to leave a message for Carinna please speak after the beep.
(Beep) Message for Carinna.
This is Lovejoy.
I'm afraid the figures were sold.
Lady Jane, I wasn't aware you were back.
Oh, good morning, Mrs.
Cameron.
I drove back last night, got in terribly late.
- Can I get you some breakfast? - Oh, coffee would be lovely, thanks.
Lovejoy.
It's me, I'm back.
Yes, of course you've missed me.
Listen, do you want to shoot some pool? If the young thing was so captivating, I can't imagine why you didn't cover the auction yourself.
I couldn't, I promised to see Kate.
- Right.
- As soon as school's on holiday, Mum whips her off to foreign climes - anything to keep her away from me.
- That's a nice shot.
- What was the girl's name? Hope.
Carinna Hope.
Oh, I think I know her.
Rings a vague bell.
Oh, you lot all know each other, don't you? - What do you mean "you lot"? - Aristos, like the bloody mafia.
You nearly missed that.
We do tend to close our ranks but only to repel people like yourself.
You'll never get that.
Go on.
Oh, I know who Carinna Hope is.
She was at Cramborn Chase with a cousin of mine.
- Her father was Lord Southwell.
- He died quite recently, she said.
That's right, in fact Lady Southwell's auctioning off some of the estate quite soon.
- You should go to that one.
- What do you mean auctioning off quite soon? Sometime this month, I think.
Read it in Country Life.
No, no, no, this Carinna Hope said the auction was some time ago.
That's where the figures were originally sold.
No, you must have got the wrong end of the stick.
The auction's coming up, the father only died last month.
Hold still or I'll bloody brain you! Please! You're hurting me.
You! Why the hell are you turning my house over? Oh, you thought I'd stolen your figures, didn't you? It's possible.
Oh, well, you might have seen this before you trashed my beautiful home.
You might have bought them with your own money, you might have wanted them yourself.
I might have done but I had a deal with you.
Also, if I had three grand do you think I'd be living like this? Would you like some tea? Fat lot of use you are.
(Alarm rings) (Alarm stops) You're really desperate for those figures, aren't you? - I told you why.
- No, you didn't.
Your mother hasn't even had her auction yet.
So you're not trying to give her the figures back, you're trying to replace them before there absence is noticed.
That's what all this panic's about.
How do you know about this? I've been doing a little checking on the Southwells.
I know they're a typical British upper crust family of the '80s.
Father was something in the City, Mother stayed in Dorset and made jam.
There's a brother somewhere in Bali, the elder sister works for Ashbury's and the younger one's in a fashionable clinic.
- For drug addiction.
- I was.
I'm clean now.
Not when you stole the figures, you weren't.
I'm not being hard on you, I still want to help you.
Well? I stole them when I was on smack.
At first I sold things, things that were mine.
Jewelry, clothes, you know.
Then things from home.
The figures were most serious.
Family didn't know about them but they knew about me.
Put me into treatment.
So where did you get the cash from to buy them back? You might as well be straight with me about everything.
I took it from someone I lived with.
His name's David, he's a dealer.
He's the reason I got into this mess in the first place.
Is he the kind of fellow that would let three grand go missing without making a fuss? No.
Is he looking for you? I wish you wouldn't drink while I drive.
- I'm wearing my seat belt.
- Won't save your liver, mon brave.
I'm only thinking of you.
You're not, you're thinking of that slim-waisted bit of upper crust skirt.
They're green.
Yeah 47.
One, four, five, nine Four, six, zero.
Ah, haven't seen you in this neck of the woods for a while, Lovejoy.
And I promise never to come back again if you give me some information.
Oh, yes.
Like what? Your last auction, you sold two Myson figures.
- Remember? - Should I? They went for over 3,000, you'd remember.
Well, even if we did, it's not our policy to disclose the purchaser.
Oh, come off it, I could ask anyone who was there and they'd tell me who it was.
Well, then I suggest you ask them, Lovejoy.
- That would take ages.
- Well, that's your problem.
It would be your problem if they were stolen goods.
You'd be in dead trouble.
Well, even if they were stolen, their description does not appear on any official list, so Maple & Company are happily absolved.
Yes, I do remember the transaction.
And I know that the purchaser does not wish his identity revealed.
He has his integrity and we at Maples have ours.
Does your integrity include passing off this catalog of garbage as genuine? - What are you talking about? - Your imminent sale, old sport.
I suppose it'll fool most of the grockles.
- Grockles? - Tourists.
You don't even know the slang, never mind the merchandise.
Phony Dresden, phony Stafford.
Phony Chelsea.
- Phony? Now, how dare you! - Regardez, mon ami.
Now, look, Lovejoy, that is genuine Persian influence Russian silver gilt, 1840.
Hong Kong, 1940.
Funny how these modern Eastern copies give themselves away by being too rigid a design.
William and Mary commemorative plate.
I like his style.
- That is a genuine blue and yellow.
- Genuine blue and yellow? But the yellow should be mustard and the blue, very blue.
- Late Saxon sword.
- That's very late.
It's last week, look at the solder.
Not very well known for their electro-soldering techniques, the Saxons.
Are you trying to blackmail me, Lovejoy? Yes.
Here it is.
The figures sold for £950.
Who to? - Where is he? - Gone for a drive.
You could catch him at the farm.
Lovejoy? I I'm too old to find another job now.
So I don't have the nerve to tell him what to do with this one.
Turn the other cheek, blind eye, often.
You understand? I understand, Fred.
I'm sorry.
- He got your figures, Lovejoy.
- I know.
I appreciate you telling me, hm? Why did you do it, Charlie? Well, next to jade, I'm very partial to 18th-century Myson.
- No truly, took my fancy, they did.
- All right, how much? And I know what you paid for them.
I'm not selling.
Not yet, anyway.
Oh, come off it you can't be pissed off about the Korean pot, you still got a bargain at 550.
Nothing to do with it, Lovejoy.
Don't you understand anything about our relationship? I know you think I'm a feckless, irresponsible turd.
Exactly.
Our relationship, sport, is based on mutual loathing.
But it's a living thing.
It needs nurturing.
It has to be sustained by continual conflict and abuse.
Pull.
I want those figures because I know how much you want them.
- And screwing you lifts my heart.
- That's sick.
You need a shrink.
Oh, I'm not a happy man, Lovejoy.
I'm not well liked, I drink far too much and the doctors say I shouldn't, and I have a sister with green hair who slags it off with every stud in the parish, as you can testify.
Oh, I need you, Lovejoy.
Since my wife died I I need someone to hate.
Pull.
(Eric) There's no car.
(Lovejoy) Charlie's usually down the White Hart on Thursdays and Amanda will be at some disco.
(Eric) I don't like this, you know.
(Lovejoy) Just get the bike out of the way and honk if anyone shows up.
- Well, that makes me an accessory.
- Oh, first time, eh? Go! Lovejoy, what are you doing? I just dropped in.
You devil, Lovejoy.
Do you want a tuna fish sandwich or shall we go straight upstairs? - Do I have a choice? - No.
We've got loads of time.
Charlie goes down the White Hart on Thursdays.
(Laughs) Amanda? (# Heavy metal) Did you get 'em? (Whispers) Did you get 'em? No, he's got them locked up or something.
Come on, let's go.
Christ, Lovejoy, you've been gone for nearly two hours.
- What the hell were you been doing in there? - Something came up unexpectedly.
Lovejoy? Hello? (Jane) Lovejoy? Good morning.
So, this is where you hide yourself away.
Well, I'm relieved to find it's not stuffed with the bodies of rich widows.
What are you doing here? What time is it? I brought you some of Mrs.
Cameron's home-made chutney.
And it's ten past nine.
- What have you been doing all night? - Working.
- This is war.
- War? With Charlie Gimbert.
We're gonna get Carinna's figures back and we're gonna stuff it to Gimbert.
- Oh, we? - Well, I need your help.
And possibly Carinna's.
And I want you to find Eric and Tinker in town and tell them to put it about that I'm away and if you can tell anyone that asks the same thing.
- Oh, one more thing.
Come on.
- What did your last servant die of? Now I told myself once that I would never ever sell this.
It's very, very dear to my heart.
It's even dearer to Charlie's heart.
It's his passion and his weakness.
- Oh, that's lovely.
- It's jade.
I want you to enter it in next week's auction at Maples.
Use your own name or a friend's or a relative's.
Anyone's, as long as it's not traceable back to me.
- What exactly is this all about? - Oh, there is one thing.
Do you think that you could um get me some blinds or curtains or something? Well, forgery should not be seen, don't you think? Forgery? There's lots of stuff to get and I need you to bank me, Tink.
- Who's the mark? - Gimbert.
I'll bank you.
- Good man, but don't buy the stuff locally.
- I didn't come down in the last shower.
I'll pop into Norwich.
Ah, I wonder if you can help me.
I have a friend staying in the area and I've forgotten her address.
Perhaps you recognize her? Never seen her.
I think I'd remember if I had.
Sorry.
Very pretty.
Nothing that tasty in these parts.
Ah, well.
Thank you.
Oh, a bit of a long shot, but it's not all that large a place.
Do you know anyone by the name of Lovejoy? - He's in antiques or something.
- Name rings a vague bell.
- Lovejoy? - Strange name.
Lovejoy.
(Chuckles) - I'm retired now, Tinker.
- You can't do that, Cuthie.
You're a dying breed, you said so yourself.
Well, I'm still a forger.
And the older I get, the more worried Mrs.
Cuthbertson gets.
There is nothing wrong with good honest forging.
It's a respectable trade.
It's done a great deal for mankind.
What do you want? It's up to you, Cuthie.
What about a letter? You've done some blinding letters.
- Peninsular War? - Perfect! Anything that you see or hear during the next few nights, Eric, you will remember as purely theoretical.
Under our curriculum, this will be categorized as Principles of Forging.
Practical Forging more like.
Console yourself with the thought that Michelangelo was the most expert forger of the Renaissance era.
He only got caught because he bragged about it in the local boozer.
Even my idol Fabergé turned his hand to it.
Who, him what made the eggs? Yes, Catchpole.
Him what made the eggs.
# La-da-di, da-da-da-di # Da-da-di # Da # Da-di-da-di-da-di (Lovejoy) OK? Steady.
Morning, Mr.
Gimbert.
- Can I give you a hand? - What? Oh, right you are.
You're a fit lad.
What's happened to your mentor Lovejoy? What's he up to? Oh, I'm not sure actually.
I think he's up north on the knocker.
- Oh, that desperate, is he? - Back Tuesday, though.
Wants to catch Maples sale.
Adamant about that he was.
- Oh, yeah? - Apparently.
I used hot pressed paper, dipped it in permanganate of potash, and then I frayed it with very fine sandpaper to give it age.
I used a real quill pen.
Oh! Oh! And I made some ink by crushing oak from the garden.
Now all we've got to do is give to it one or two very hot warmings in the oven.
It's superb, Cuthie.
It's superb.
Nice to know we can still pull it off, isn't it, Tinker? Right I'd like to call this meeting to order.
Shouldn't you close the doors? Oh, the staff are all dismissed for the day.
- Nobody knows we're here.
- Well, I really hope not.
Now, our mark, our target, is Charles Gimbert.
His passion is jade.
And that bit I put in the auction via Jane is the bait.
Charlie will bid for it but you, Carinna, are gonna outbid him.
Don't worry if it goes over three grand, Jane will bankroll you.
Oh, Charlie won't be suspicious you're a stranger.
What happens when I get the jade? He'll want a trade-off, but he's got to have something to trade with.
Something that will impress an expert like yourself, something of value.
Tinker's already placed these three items in the auction under a phony name.
But how can you be sure he'll bid for any of these? Because I'll bid.
Charlie's the bane of my life at auctions, he always outbids me in everything.
And not just to screw me, he knows if I'm bidding it's usually for something tasty.
That's why I occasionally bid for a bit of crap so he'll end up with it.
But he usually comes out all right and these are tempting.
Gimbert will Eric! Gimbert will be fooled.
There could be one problem.
You never know when some local housewife or a pair of newlyweds from Hampstead will pop up with some ludicrous bid.
And I don't want any of these forgeries ending up in the hands of some innocent bystander.
So Jane If Charlie drops out of the bidding, you will have to outbid anyone else.
I can't push it, it will look too dodgy.
(Jane) Right, got it.
- Bright and early this morning, Lady Jane.
- Mm.
Lots to do today, Stan.
Big day.
(Lovejoy) 0h, don't worry.
You'll get your money back.
We all will.
- Mostly rubbish, ain't it? - You'd know, of course.
No, I'm just going by their reactions.
They usually rubbish everything, hide the fact that there's something in there that they want.
It's called shading the stock.
Your crony Lovejoy back then, eh? Oh, yeah, wouldn't miss this one.
Why don't you keep your mouth - Morning, Fred.
- Morning, Lovejoy.
Morning, all.
- What's it like then, Charlie? - Rubbish, what else? Oh, maybe, but you know me.
No matter what or where the auction, I still get the same old buzz.
Somewhere amongst all the bric-a-brac and tacky trinkets there's a gem going for a song.
- Not here there isn't.
- Is that true, Tink? Excuse me, Charlie.
(Auctioneer) We're about to start, ladies and gentlemen so if you could take your places.
Ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have a nice crowd here this morning and Plenty or trawlers here today and a few ringers.
He seemed quite impressed by your items.
Credit to my craft, eh? - Where are the girls? - (Auctioneer) Who'll give me five pounds? Five pounds? Five pounds, sir.
Now, come on how about this? Six pounds? Six pounds? Anyone give me six pounds? Six pounds? Six pounds, sir.
Right, now let's have a little more, shall we, How about seven? Seven pounds? All right, Tink, we're off.
Sit back and enjoy the ride.
(Auctioneer) Seven pounds, going cheap.
Seven pounds.
Seven, seven, seven pounds.
What about eight? Eight pounds? - 7.
50.
- (Auctioneer) 7.
50, right.
All done at 7.
50, to that gentlemen there.
Mr.
Grant.
Now, lot number 2 That's all we need.
(Auctioneer) A very desirable thing that is, too.
Now who'll bid me, eh? Who'll bid? I haven't got the money.
I've already told you.
- Do you really want to talk to this person? - No, and he knows that.
- Excuse me this is - Shut your face, David.
Now you dry your eyes and get back in there.
We're counting on you.
- OK? - OK.
Go on.
Who are you to talk to me like that? Who do I have to be to talk to you like that? Look, I know who you are and what you do.
- Need a hand, Lovejoy? - Wouldn't mind, Les.
Moving rubbish is in your line, isn't it? Look, I'm not leaving here till I've spoken to her.
- (Hoot) - Yes, you are.
Now, lot 40.
The John Varley landscape in watercolor.
Now who'll start me off this time? £800, £800.
£825, £825.
£850.
£850.
Any more for £850? £850.
£900, I'm bid.
£900.
£900.
925.
£925 I'm bid.
Now I'm going to sell this £925 I'm bid now.
Going once.
£925.
- Charlie? - Yep.
Any more for 950? 975.
975, 975.
One thousand pounds, one thousand pounds.
All done at a thousand? One thousand pounds, Sold to Mr.
Gimbert.
One down.
Were you bidding there? I never saw you move.
A wink's as good as a flag to an auctioneer.
Now we come to the glassware.
Who'll start me off at £275? £275? Thank you, sir.
£275.
£300.
£300.
Any more than £300? £300.
£300.
£325.
Lady there.
£325.
£325.
£325.
£350.
£400.
£400 to the lady.
Going to the lady at £400.
- May I have your name please, madam? - Felsham.
Mrs.
Felsham, thank you.
Lot 60.
An interesting Peninsular War £95.
£95 £100.
£100 I'm bid.
All done at 100.
All done at 100.
£100, sold to Mr.
Gimbert.
Right, now, uh, lot number 61, the Chinese jade vase.
Now who'll start me off at £1,500? £1,500? £1,500 thank you, madam.
Quitting already, Lovejoy? I wouldn't last long with you, Charlie, if it's jade.
- Fancy a drink, Tink? - I'll have a jar, ta.
£1,575? £1,600.
Thank you, sir.
Glad you got the teapot, don't like enamel myself.
I think it's sweet.
I was a bit pissed off with your friend Lady La-di-dah pipped me for the glass, - Phoenician, I thought.
Very upset.
- Don't be.
Phony.
Are you certain? Well? She got it.
- He's gone to the Cross Keys.
- And Carinna? Not wed to the jade, you said.
Well, I'd rather set my heart on it, which is why I couldn't bid for anything else.
Which is a pity because there were some rather nice pieces.
I think you yourself acquired two particularly attractive items.
Yes, er A Peninsular War letter and a Varley watercolor.
- Madam? - Oh, Perrier, please.
Nothing for me, thank you.
My brother, he collects military manuscripts and memorabilia.
Oh, and I adore Varley.
I was, um I was just thinking.
- You'd trade? - Well, it does seem rather sensible.
- Or course there would be a balance.
- Oh, I'd make up the cash.
I suppose so.
Or do you have something else? (Laughter) To Carinna! I wish I'd been a fly on the wall, but you pulled it off.
It was agony sitting in the street.
I was so nervous.
I was shitting bricks.
I mean I was, er sorry.
Thank you, Eric.
It's adding up time, ladies and gentlemen, In the plus column, we have for the manuscript and Varley, £1,100.
That's minus the commission for the auctioneers.
Plus £2,000 for the jade and 400 for the glassware.
That's a total of 3,500 in the plus column.
The minus column we owe Jane 400 for the glass, Carinna 2,000 for the jade and for my materials 200? So that's 2,600 in the minus column, that's £900 in the kitty.
And we got all the forgeries back and Carinna didn't have to use the three grand that she borrowed for the jade.
Oh, days like this, my friends, they lift the heart.
- Lift the glass.
- Just a minute, Lovejoy.
- I still owe you for the jade.
- For his time.
- Yeah, I made it.
- When? Two years ago.
Took me nine weeks.
I knew it would come in useful one day.
- You mean - It was a forgery like all the others.
I signed it with my own name.
Free and clear, my dears, free and clear.
Jade is a wondrous stone, Bigelow.
Oily and smooth and hard as nails.
Yes, Mr.
Gimbert.
Get the hand lens, see if there's a maker's inscription.
Tasty bit of upper class crumpet, that bird.
Still I killed her on the deal.
Well? - Anything? - Can't make it out, Mr.
Gimbert.
It's obviously very ancient.
(Laughs)