Lowdown (2010) s01e03 Episode Script

I need a splash.
Alex, if you resort to any of that tabloid rubbish, we'll kill the interview.
Gentlemen.
- Dylan.
You know something about West Indian cricket, do you? More than anybody else in this room, I would think.
Do you wanna catch up, see how things go? I'll think about it.
OK, sounds excellent.
Yeah, gotta be back by midnight.
Yeah, I'm on day one.
Korolev.
No, shouldn't be a problem, but you never know.
Hey, I've gotta go.
Yeah, see you there.
The argument between Australian tennis star Mitch Zicopoulos and his coach and father, George, seemed all the more dramatic because it was in Greek.
The wintergreen, the juniper The cornflower and the chicory Well, all of the words you said to me Are still vibrating in the air The elm, the ash and the linden tree The dark and deep enchanted sea The trembling moon and the stars unfurled Well, there she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes again.
Unbeknownst to Dr James's receptionist, Sharna, Alex was willing to give their budding romance another shot.
You know, Clive Lloyd used to use a bat that weighed 3 pounds, 2 ounces.
1.
43 kilos! Which is pretty heavy.
So, do you wanna go to the Twenty20? I'm not really that into cricket anymore.
Really? You were three days ago.
Yeah.
Do you mind if I get this? No, sure.
Go on.
Hey, babes, what time are you on? You're not gonna make any indiscreet jokes about us having sex, are you? Um, you can go in if you want.
Unbeknownst to Alex, Sharna had started dating a stand-up comedian.
Everything alright, mate? Couldn't be better.
Trish has met a very nice bogan gentleman.
I'm getting to spend more time with the twins, so it's win-win.
So, what have we got today, then? Well, I've got a pimple, actually, on the sort of groinal area.
Give us a peek.
OK.
Ooh! Ooh! Itchy? Yeah.
I'm thinking it could be folliculitis.
Folliculitis? And why would you say that? Well, I was diagnosed, actually.
Oh, yeah? By whom? Firefly33.
Alex, you can't just go on some chat site for a diagnosis.
Really, these sites should be restricted to properly qualified GPs.
Alrighty, here we go.
Here's one with pictures, so we should be able Ohh! What? Do you see anything? Oh, gee! Is it folliculitis? No, no, no.
You know, I'm pretty sure this is Oh, mercy! Should I be worried? What When was the last time you had sex? About three months ago.
Why? Oh, it doesn't matter.
They can pop up any time.
Most carriers have no symptoms whatsoever.
Then one day, when they're a bit run down, bang - outbreak.
Herpes? Looks like the big H to me.
Sharna! Right, now, I'll mark this 'urgent'.
We should know by this afternoon.
Now, it's important that you alert your previous sexual partners to your condition.
If you like, I can write a little letter on your behalf.
No, I'll do it.
OK.
Um, would you mind labelling and sending Alex's herpes swab off to the lab - marked 'urgent'? Yeah, sure.
Alex felt that Sharna was taking the news of his incurable STD a little too well.
If you wanna come over, you better be quick, because I'm going out.
No, no, I'm just ringing because I'm wondering - do you ever go through times when you might have an outbreak of anything? An outbreak? Yeah, like a pimply rash outbreak, for instance.
No.
Why? 'Cause that's what adults do, Rita.
They inquire about each other's health.
Right! So, you're 100% fine, then? Yeah.
Great.
Are we gonna be having these kinds of conversations a lot now that we're adults? We might.
Probably not.
Anyway, good talking to you.
OK.
See ya.
See ya.
World number 3 Mitch Zicopoulos has pulled out of the Classic with a suspected sprain of the middle finger.
However, the Australian champion says that he'll be fine to play in the Australian Open on Monday.
Thanks for that.
Morning, Alex.
Hey, Alex! Hey, Andrea, do you ever go through times when you, like, get an outbreak of anything? You haven't got herpes, have you? No.
Great.
Can I please see you in the gents'? Yeah, hi.
Is Andy there, please? Does what you've got look anything like this? No, mate.
That's nothing like what I've got.
Are you sure? Look again.
Actually, is that a pen mark? What? Yeah, it looks like some sort of red ink.
Ink? Oh, how did What a relief! Thank you so much! Gratitude noted, mate.
Thank you so much! Alex wanted to ask how on earth Bob had managed to draw on his penis, but decided against it on the grounds that it would involve a conversation about Bob's penis.
HOWARD OVER P.
A: Alex Burchill, my office.
Oh, Alex, before you go in - in this week's column, you write that "Gus van Sant's new movie is entitled 'To Catch a Disease'.
" Mmm.
Surely you mean "TITLED 'To Catch a Disease'," for to say his next film is "ENtitled 'To Catch a Disease"' implies that it is the film's God-given right to catch a disease, when, in fact, it's just the name of a movie.
Yeah.
OK.
Now, that's put a dent in my otherwise fabulous day.
Alex was being sarcastic.
Tournament organisers have apologised to irate fans after Mitch Zicopoulos was forced to pull out Bob's here too.
Does he have to be? He sort of already is.
Bob.
Boss.
Zirco's pulled out of the Kooyong final.
Really? Yes, around 20,000 fans have paid hard-earned money to see Mitch Zicopoulos Do what he does second best.
Apparently he's a massive rooter.
The implication was noted, mate.
Claims he sprained the middle finger of his right hand.
Oh, I once did that! It's actually more painful than It's horseshit.
He's at Punt Hill.
Trudy will have his details.
You've got till 4:30 to file.
Right.
Hey! I got something for you.
A replacement for that laptop you piddled on.
It wasn't me who piddled on it! All the way from 1999.
Excellent.
Pleasure.
Now, you go out there and you get me the proof that there is nothing wrong with that fornicator's middle finger.
You really don't like other people having sex, do you, sir? It was true - the editor really didn't like other people having sex, particularly men.
And as far as he was concerned, his readers didn't either.
Oh, great! This prehistoric crap's from the 'Sunday Argus'.
Prehistoric! What's up? Trudy, just off to interview Zirco.
We seem to have misplaced his room number.
You don't happen to have it, do you? You're kidding! No, it's a legitimate, fully sanctioned one-on-one.
Then why don't you call his manager and get the room number from him? Oh, one more thing.
I thought I'd better let you know Unfortunately there's no space this week to run that piece on Matt Newton's 'Hamlet'.
Level 7.
But it's a restricted-access floor, Alex.
That's OK.
Room number? Where's Matt sitting if I don't give the number? Couple of paragraphs.
If I give the room - half a page and a photo? I don't think so.
It's not like he's hosting 'Dancing With the Stars'.
OK.
Well, that'll just have to do.
Do you think your new laptop knows what the internet is? Yeah! Should see if it's got any games.
What's up? They've changed the frigging code! OK.
OK, thank you.
That's good news.
He no let down his fans.
Who do you know might have the code? They must have only just changed it.
Afternoon, sir.
Tony Greig's staying here! How's your South African? That is a marvellous stroke.
That's brilliant! Thanks, mate! Yeah, we'll just ride up with the porter.
Switchboard.
Hello.
Could I please have the front desk? Reception.
Ja, hello.
It's Tony Greig.
Just wondering if someone from the front desk would mind coming up and helping us with the lock.
Ja, there's something wrong with the lock to the door to our room.
Certainly, Mr Greig.
We'll send someone up right away.
What's your room number? I don't know.
OK.
Plan B.
Look, I'm just gonna write it up and fill in the blanks if and when we see Zirco.
He's gotta come down eventually.
Yes? Ah, yes.
Thank you.
I will.
Oh, you're kidding.
I've got Dylan Hunt's computer! This is not auspicious.
It requires a 4-letter password.
OK, say you're a 'Sunday Argus' columnist who thinks he's Hemingway.
What password would you choose? 'Face'.
'Face'? He's got a very big face.
But he doesn't know that! He might.
And even if he does, he's not gonna go, "You know what? I've got a very big face.
"I might make 'face' my password.
" Hates it.
'Head'? Alex Burchill.
Dylan! How are you? Great.
You interviewed Zirco's finger yet? Mate, I'm just ringing to say that I'm the proud new owner of your 1999 laptop Ah, excellent.
which I'm sure was home to many of your awkward, five-line sentences over the past decade.
Now it'll get to experience the joy of the monosyllable.
That's that's words with only one syllable.
Yeah, I know what a monosyllable is, mate.
Look, um, thing is, you forgot to re-format it, so I'm gonna need a password.
Oh, shit.
Um, OK.
Alex? Dylan! Hello? Shit! Alex! You're at Punt Hill? Yeah, mate.
What's your password? Hello? Fuck! Bummer.
Dylan HUNT.
Four letters.
I reckon he'd risk it.
Or not.
There's Judith Lucy! She'd have the code.
Judith! Hi.
Alex.
How are you? Good, good.
Supposed to be meeting a friend up on level 7.
You don't have the code, do you? I've forgotten it and he's not answering his phone.
Oh, now, Alex, I like you.
You know, if you were just a regular guy who'd forgotten his code, I'd give it to you in a shot.
But the thing is you work for a tabloid newspaper.
And giving you the code to a secure floor kinda defeats the purpose of having a secure floor in the first place.
Really? Have a really great day.
Reception.
Yeah, can someone bring my gear up? Yes, of course.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
'Bone'? Mate, it's not gonna be a body part.
What about writers? Amis.
Martin Amis.
'Foot'? Yeah, we're on level 7 too.
Thanks, mate.
What's the code, then? Bob? 9-7-8-3.
That is not even remotely close.
Yeah, remember? That's the old one, before the It's actually 6-2-1-7.
I'm gonna have to ask you to both to exit the lift.
Mate, I've actually had some pretty bad medical news today.
So, yeah, not thinking straight.
Out! It's 7-2-3 Out.
Alright.
And don't try and crack the code, because on your third botched attempt, the lift doors will lock and sleeping gas will just pour out of the vents.
Bullshit! No, new anti-terrorism measure.
I'm sorry, Mr Seymour Hoffman, the same rules apply to you as everyone else.
Hi.
You've called Dylan Hunt.
I can't take Shit.
Rob! Burchie! How are you? Good, good.
What are you up to? I'm just visiting a mate.
Yeah, me too.
I'm meant to be meeting someone up there.
But I forgot the code to the lift.
Oh! Are you going up? Yeah.
In a minute.
I'm just a bit puffed.
I might just take a mo.
Just grab it from the front desk, mate.
No, I can wait with you.
That's fine.
Yeah, good.
God, no.
He's meeting me down here.
What am I thinking? Oh, right.
Just grab it from the front desk.
OK, no worries.
Thanks, mate.
Got it.
Awesome.
Now, ring the concierge.
Why can't you ring him? Mate, I just think my Tony Greig will suffer if I take on any more impersonations.
Reception.
Hello.
George Zicopoulos here.
What can I do for you, sir? Mitch needs a Panadol for his sore finger.
Can you send that up? Certainly, sir.
What's your room number again? I don't know the bloody room number.
What am I, a bellhop? Look it up.
Certainly, sir.
We'll get that to your room right away.
You like? Thought you might have overcooked one or two moments, but overall, I did like, yes.
Thanks, mate.
Hey.
- G'day.
Dylan! Give it here.
Hallelujah! What was the password? None of your business.
'Fist'.
It's not 'fist'.
It's 'Fiat'.
Hold your horses.
I have to erase it.
Just give it here.
I'm not gonna read it.
One can't be too careful.
One might have reason to worry if one could understand one's convoluted prose.
Any news? I can honestly say I've got good news and bad news.
Alright.
What's the bad news? Well, it's a strong possibility you've been bitten on the doodle by a white-tailed spider.
Right.
Now, these white-tailed bites have a flesh-eating venom.
And, well, it's possible that your penis will become necrotic and eventually drop off.
Isn't there some antibiotics I can take? 'Fraid not.
Right.
OK.
Uh, what's the good news? Oh.
Uh, you don't have herpes.
Brilliant! I'll call you back when I know more.
Mate, it's not gonna drop off.
Yeah, alright.
Have you ever heard of anyone's penis dropping off? I knew a guy who had no penis.
They just give you a plastic one.
It's mostly functional.
Very little feeling in it, of course.
How's the erasing going? All done.
Do you want me to adjust the preferences so it accepts sentence fragments? I'll cope, thanks.
OK.
See you later.
Has it worked? 3, 7, 8 and 0.
Try 3-7-0-8.
How many variations to go? Right, so there's a 96% chance that the next combination you enter is gonna get us gassed.
Yeah, but there's a 4% chance we'll get it right! I don't think the gods are smiling on us today, buddy.
Alex Burchill.
I can only assume you've abandoned Zirco and are currently enjoying the Harmony rejuvenation package in the hotel spa.
You should never assume.
Or talk back to the boss.
Do you know what's currently being promoted to page one courtesy of your Zirco no-show? Matt Newton's 'Hamlet'? No.
The western sewerage treatment plant's sprung a leak.
I was thinking 'How Do You Solve a Problem Like Urea?' Genius.
Sir, we'll get Zirco.
Good.
It'll cheer up Janine.
She thinks she's got herpes.
Is that Rita? What are you doing here? Oh, just seeing a friend.
What about you? Friend.
Maybe we're meeting the same friend.
Maybe! Does your friend's name start with the letter 'Z'? Maybe! This is great.
We can ride up together.
We cannot.
Well, just give me the code and we can ride up after.
I'll think about it.
What happened? You were gassed.
You must have punched in the wrong code.
Do you even know Zirco? Yeah! I met him at Eve.
He said I should drop by sometime.
Right.
So he gave you the code? Not really.
Do you even have it? Yeah, I've got three.
They rotate them.
My friend said there was no way I'd get gassed because you get three chances.
But I only entered in one, and then psshhhh! Yeah, I think problems arise when a certain party enters two incorrect codes immediately before another party enters one incorrect code.
Which ones didn't you try? Um, 1-7-8-9 and 3-0-7-8.
3-0-7-8! Oh! Did you tell her your herpes news? What? Yeah, um Apparently I don't have herpes.
Oh, right.
So, are you gonna be OK? Yeah, I think so.
Great! We'll see you later.
They're bringing the Porsche around? Yep.
Sorry, Mr Zicopoulos.
Just doing my job! Mr Zicopoulos, what do you say to the 20,000 people who paid to see you play? Where are you going now? Will you be refunding their money? Mr Zicopoulos, do you wanna explain to the Australian people How's the finger? Do you think the Australian public have a right to be suspicious? Ahh! Thus ends the shortest car chase in television history.
What have you got? We got some great snaps of Zirco not wanting to be snapped.
His security broke a $10,000 lens in the process.
And I had a minor car accident trying to pursue him.
Did you get a look at his finger? He had it covered.
Did he say anything? "No comment.
" OK, well, put it all in.
The non-apology, his thug purposely breaking the $10,000 lens, as we fearlessly pursued the truth on behalf of the Australian public.
You've got 20 minutes.
I'm holding page 17.
Well, that was an afternoon well spent.
I guess I can look forward to my circa-1999 replacement lens.
Bloody James hasn't called yet.
Mate, look to your left.
Hey, Zirco, stop fucking following us! Yes! Thank you! Gotcha! Three and a half grand for a dent and a broken headlight.
And a respray.
Still.
I mean, do you know how many celebrities I have to interview for that? Mate, I'm here for you, penis or no penis.
Thanks, buddy.
What's the news? Turns out you haven't been bitten by a white-tailed after all.
It's not herpes, is it? No.
It looks like it might be a touch of folliculitis.
It's where a hair follicle becomes infected.
Yeah, that's what I said in the first place.
Yes, but it's not an official diagnosis until it's been confirmed by a properly qualified medical professional.
Right.
So, antibiotics? Writing a script as we speak.
Whoopsy-daisy! Gotta go.
Twins are here.
No, no, no.
Very sharp.
Very sharp.
Folliculitis.
So Firefly33 was right! You can always rely on the internet.
Yeah.
Although hotdoc42 diagnosed it as gangrene, so you never know.
A wise man once said, "If you're stuck in the mud, "you have to walk through the mud to get out of the mud.
" I don't think that's particularly relevant.
I've just always found it interesting.