MacGruber (2021) s01e03 Episode Script
Brimstone
The son of a bitch skinned Constantine
then used his fucking skin
as a protective barrier from the fire.
Jesus.
Keep an eye on our six, Dawkins.
He's out there somewhere.
On it.
Can't wait to light this dude up like the fucking 4th of July.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Hold your fire! Hold your fire! Just a squirrel.
Dawkins.
Dawkins! Looking for this? Yoo-hoo.
MacGruber! Sir, just got a call from DHS, - all borders are secure.
- Good.
Alert JSOC we're going to Threatcon Delta.
Need to catch these bastards.
Barrett.
Victoria, what are you doing here? We need to talk.
Honey, I'm really up against it right now.
I want to have a child with you.
What? Look, I'm sorry.
I know you're really up against it right now, but I'm finally ready, and I just had to tell you.
I'm sorry it's taken me so long, but I've been scared.
Like mess my pants scared.
And I'm not scared anymore.
Does this have anything to do with MacGruber? Absolutely not.
Then what's changed? Last night, when you told me MacGruber was dead, I went home and it hit me like a ton of feathers.
I've been sitting around waiting for some prince charming when all along, my Shrek has been standing right in front of me the whole time.
And I don't want to wait one more second for my fairy tale ending.
You mean that, Mrs.
Fasoose? More than anything.
My decision's final.
I want to start a family with you.
You have no idea how happy that makes me.
Oh.
Thank you, Victoria.
Let's start tonight, okay? I say we try a bunch of times.
Throw as much spaghetti against the wall as you can muster and see what sticks.
Really get it up there.
Mm-hmm.
- Sound like a plan, Stan? - It's a date, Kate.
Well, I'll let you get back to work, Kirk.
And good luck with the terrorists.
Babe, I'm gonna hit the head.
Will you grab me some Combos? Yep.
What you looking at, freak? Be that way.
Rodney, wait.
Where are you going? To kick ass.
Fuck you.
Perfect.
You forgot one thing MacGruber.
They said you were dead.
I'm sorry, Vick, I know it'd be a lot easier for you if I had died.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I think you do.
Rose buds, candles, champagne, chocolate covered strawberries.
You're making a child tonight, aren't you? Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
So I guess it's true, you really have moved on.
I guess so.
Well, then we'll just have to keep things strictly professional.
- I like this song, Vick.
- Thank you.
No, thank you for putting such a big night on hold and joining this mission.
What? What mission? MacGruber.
I came as soon as I could.
And the gang's all here.
Look, we got a lot to cover, Vicki.
- Piper's already been debriefed.
- Hey, Vicki.
Hi, Piper.
Look, I'm sorry.
You guys have to leave.
You cannot be here right now.
Tonight is a very important night for me and my husband, who will be home any second.
Vicki, please just hear us out.
Two days ago, I was dropped off in the desert and exchanged for a little girl and a fucking dog.
And you'll never guess who was behind it.
- Queeth.
- Piper! What? You told me.
Yeah, but Vicki didn't know yet.
Remind me to mess up your next big story that you're excited to tell.
So yeah, anyway it was Queeth.
I'm sorry, I don't know who that is.
Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth.
- Piper! - Jesus Christ.
No, go ahead.
You want it so bad, go, say it.
Come on, let's hear all about him.
Be my guest.
Oh, thank you so much for giving me permission to tell my own story.
Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth, elite special forces leader turned American traitor.
He's been off the grid for 20 years rotting away in a Burkina Fasonian prison.
And guess who put him there? Piper, you want to ruin this one, too? I did.
So needless to say, we don't exchange Christmas cards, especially after what he did to my family.
Oh no, what'd he do to your family? Doesn't matter.
All that matters now is that we take him out, for good this time.
And I'm the only one who can do it 'cause I'm the only one who knows what he's up to.
What is he up to? My gut tells me that Queeth is planning to unleash a major chemical weapon somewhere on American soil.
What? Oh, my God.
Don't worry, we still have a chance to stop him, but we're running out of time.
So what do you say? Piper's in.
- I didn't say that.
- But you're about to.
Look, Vicki, I understand that you're trying to bring a new life into this world, but if we don't stop Queeth, there might not be a world left to bring that child into.
I'll give you 24 hours, but that's it.
Thank you.
Hey, Pipe.
Have you ever seen the movie "The Outsiders?" No.
Do it for Johnny.
What does that mean? That's something they say in that movie.
Let's get something straight.
If I do this, I'm doing it for my family.
- Are we clear? - Loud and.
Piper the family man.
Never thought I'd see the day.
I'm already regretting this.
Okay, let's go.
We can take my Jeep.
Nice try, Piper, but we're gonna need something with a little more juice.
Sir, just got word.
The dispersal devices are now in our possession.
Well, we got our Christmas stockings.
Now all we have to do is stuff them with coal.
Hey, sorry, Vick.
Between serving a life sentence and doing that suicide mission for my country, never had a chance to clean up our wedding decorations.
Oh, I hadn't noticed.
Oh, shoot.
Barrett's calling.
No, don't answer it.
Don't answer it.
Don't you want the help of the United States government? Look, I don't know how far down the rabbit hole this thing goes.
So until we know more, we got to keep this in the inner circle and not including of our dong husbands.
I thought you said we were gonna keep this professional.
I always keep things professional, - and you both know that.
- Hmm.
Good, because I think Barrett could be a huge asset.
A huge ass head? Yeah, I don't disagree.
Face! Piper gets it.
Oh, look, he's calling again.
If I don't answer, he's gonna know something's wrong.
Okay, fine, but say exactly what I tell you to.
Just answer the way you'd normally answer your phone.
- Hello? - Hi, sweetie.
Still stuck at work.
Where are you? Where am I? - Make up something.
- I'm at the park.
- You're in the park? - No, no, no.
No, I'm not at the park.
What made you say that? You must've misheard me.
I'll try to speak more clearly.
- Um, I'm on a ship.
- You're on a ship? I'm certainly not in the car, if that's what you're implying, mister.
Good, good.
Is everything okay? He's asking if everything's okay.
Oh, fuck, fuck.
Oh, what do we do here? What's our play? What's our fucking play? What do I say? Do I say it's good? Oh, got it, got it.
- Tell him everything's normal.
- Everything's normal.
Um, I'm not at the park.
I'm on a ship.
- Wow.
- Just a normal ship.
Is everything normal where you are? Well, actually, things are starting to heat up over here.
Anyway, I wanted to apologize again about tonight.
Having a child with you is the most important thing in the world to me, honey, and I just wanted to make sure that you knew that.
Oh, okay.
Bye.
Great job, Vicki.
That was the perfect call.
Right, Piper? Whoo! - Sir.
- Yes, Major.
A C-130 was hijacked over the Indian Ocean and dropped off radar.
- We think it's our guys.
- What were they carrying? That's the thing, it was just a bunch of ventilation equipment.
What the hell are they up to? We managed to trace a call from the cockpit to an encrypted satellite phone.
We're tracking that phone now.
Don't lose that signal, and get a Reaper in the air pronto, Major.
Yes, sir.
Stay frosty, people.
This is our only shot.
- What is this place? - An abandoned weapons depot.
It officially doesn't exist, but it does, and you're about to see it.
This way.
Haven't been in here for 20 years.
Fingers crossed, nobody else has, either.
Piper! Trip wire.
That could've been very bad for all of us.
Now, watch your step 'cause I booby trapped this whole place to the fucking gills.
Now, let's keep moving.
Carefully.
Hey, guys.
I think I got a problem.
Okay, look.
- Stay very still, Vicki.
- Okay.
I'm gonna get you out of this.
All right.
Look, you've already triggered it.
I know.
As long as we keep pressure on it, like so, we'll be fine.
- It's all about physics.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, we can't stay here forever, right? Yeah.
So we're gonna have to make a move.
Okay, look.
Vicki, look at me.
Look at me! I need you to trust me.
Do you trust me? - Yes.
- Do you trust me? - I said yes.
- Good.
'Cause I'm about to spring this - What? - Right Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Now! Like I said, watch your step.
Thank you for saving me.
It's what I do, and it comes naturally, - like breathing.
- Oh.
Just in and out.
In, out, in, out.
In, out.
In and out.
In and out.
Uh, could we keep moving? Lady's choice.
Sure, well, I guess we should keep moving.
Yeah.
Here you go.
There we go.
All right.
Six, nine, six, nine, six, nine, six, nine, number sign.
So MacGruber, why are we here? May 1, 1998, Burkina Faso.
Tiger Company, the most elite special ops unit in the world had just gone rogue, and their leader, Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth, had just gotten his hands on the most devastating chemical weapon the world has ever known Brimstone.
Six, nine, six, nine, six, nine, six, nine, number sign.
But what Queeth didn't know is that Tiger Company had a mole.
Well, a mole-Gruber.
Long story short, I stole Brimstone and left Queeth and his men to die in a Burkina Fasonian prison.
Only problem, they didn't die.
And now Queeth will do anything to get his hands on this stuff, but luckily for us, I hid it where Queeth will never find it.
Right through this door.
Six, nine, six, nine, six, nine, six, nine, number sign.
Why didn't you just destroy it? Piper, someone worked very hard on this.
And now the moment we've all been waiting for.
Did Queeth beat us to it, or did we beat Queeth? Six, nine, six, nine, six, nine, six, nine.
No number sign.
Oh, thank God.
Yes! Fuck yeah.
And crisis averted.
Fucking liar.
- What do you mean liar? - Oh, just a detail.
Queeth lied to me, said he already had this thing.
But why would he lie to you about having it? I don't know, some people just like to lie.
You know, it makes them feel like they can hang with the big boys, but sadly, Queeth is munching our farts on this one.
Fucking dumb-ass.
I mean, this is such a great series of wins for me.
He fucking lies to me about having it, and I know he's lying, that's win number one.
Then I escape like a fucking badass, that's win number two.
And now I have the thing he desperately needs.
I don't know if you're counting, but I am, and that's win number two.
So he lied to you and said he already had Brimstone.
Yes.
And then you somehow escaped.
Heroically and against all odds, yes.
Yeah, they let you go.
Practically, right? No, I mean, they let you out on purpose.
What? Ha.
I assure you, they did not.
Why don't you tell us a little more about this crazy escape of yours? I'd fucking love to take you through it.
Yes, so there I am at this freaky underground lair, naked, hanging schlong for all to see.
And I didn't even fucking care, right? I sense an opening, and I just fucking rip out of my restraints and fight my way through the guy who was watching me.
Wait, they left you with just one guy? Yeah, but he was, like, a super fucking badass.
Like, one of the toughest blind guys you'll ever see.
Sorry, they left you with a blind guy? Oh, yeah, and it was so fucking terrifying.
You point that guy in the right direction, he's like a guided missile.
Oh, Constantine Bach.
You guys know him.
Remember? Yeah, apparently, he didn't die in that explosion.
Anyway, so there was this scalpel on a tray that was right next to me, and when the blind guy, Constantine, turned away for a sec Stupid fucking move, right? It gave me more than enough time to free myself.
And then I just hand to hand combated him, burned him alive with his own flamethrower, skinned him it was my first time doing that And then escaped.
So you still think they let me out? - 100%.
- I think maybe they did.
Yeah, that makes sense.
They let me out so I could immediately race right here and stop them from getting the one thing they wanted? Yeah, they didn't know where it was.
You led them right to it.
Oh, my God, Piper.
We are so embarrassed for you.
You have so much fucking egg on your face.
I mean, do you hear yourself when you talk? If I had led them right to it then they would be here by Whoa, whoa, there they are.
MacGruber.
Hello, Queeth.
Thanks for leading us to your little hiding place.
So this was all a set up? You really catch on quick.
And you catch on slow and low.
You're such a dumb piece of shit.
See, I knew that was your plan all along, so I made the very smart decision to counterplan you.
Net drop! So where were we? It was something about a counterplan.
Ah, yes, the counterplan.
I mean, do you honestly believe that I would lead you right to Brimstone? Well then, think again.
Then think again and then think again and again and again and again, 'cause that ain't this and this ain't that.
Then you'll let me have it.
Go ahead, take it.
Here.
Be my guest.
Why did you do that? I'm telling you, you're getting played.
Right, guys? Yes.
That's right Not only is that canister filled with a bunch of fresh jizz from me and Piper here Right, Piper? - Right, Piper? - Yeah.
But as we speak, you are surrounded by the full width and breadth of the U.
S.
military, who have orders to shoot you on my command.
Hold off there, General, for a second.
Think I might be able to talk a little sense into him.
Oh, 10-4, what's that? Huh? Roger? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Oh, they want to shoot your fucking face off so bad, but I won't let them yet.
So you want to rethink your dumb little plan? Hang on, hang on.
Yeah, he's thinking about it with his dumb little brain.
So don't kill him yet.
Give him another ten Nine Eight - Seven.
- S seven.
- Six.
- Six.
- Five.
- Fi Four.
Four Three.
Three Two.
Two One.
One more, straight down the barrel.
Yes, sir.
Come on! This way.
Sir, it was a drone.
It's coming around again.
Yeah, well, take it out.
Now! Good God.
Abort! Abort! Sorry, sir, it's been deployed.
Redirect.
Redirect! Trying, sir.
Swing and a miss.
Fire.
Got them.
- Uplink terminated.
- Damn it! Get another Reaper up now.
- 20 minutes, sir.
- Now, major! Yes, sir.
Now, where's our friend, MacGruber? Ha, ha! Fuck you, Queeth.
Want us to go after him, sir? No, we got a schedule to keep.
We got what we came for.
Jesus.
Keep an eye on our six, Dawkins.
He's out there somewhere.
On it.
Can't wait to light this dude up like the fucking 4th of July.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Hold your fire! Hold your fire! Just a squirrel.
Dawkins.
Dawkins! Looking for this? Yoo-hoo.
MacGruber! Sir, just got a call from DHS, - all borders are secure.
- Good.
Alert JSOC we're going to Threatcon Delta.
Need to catch these bastards.
Barrett.
Victoria, what are you doing here? We need to talk.
Honey, I'm really up against it right now.
I want to have a child with you.
What? Look, I'm sorry.
I know you're really up against it right now, but I'm finally ready, and I just had to tell you.
I'm sorry it's taken me so long, but I've been scared.
Like mess my pants scared.
And I'm not scared anymore.
Does this have anything to do with MacGruber? Absolutely not.
Then what's changed? Last night, when you told me MacGruber was dead, I went home and it hit me like a ton of feathers.
I've been sitting around waiting for some prince charming when all along, my Shrek has been standing right in front of me the whole time.
And I don't want to wait one more second for my fairy tale ending.
You mean that, Mrs.
Fasoose? More than anything.
My decision's final.
I want to start a family with you.
You have no idea how happy that makes me.
Oh.
Thank you, Victoria.
Let's start tonight, okay? I say we try a bunch of times.
Throw as much spaghetti against the wall as you can muster and see what sticks.
Really get it up there.
Mm-hmm.
- Sound like a plan, Stan? - It's a date, Kate.
Well, I'll let you get back to work, Kirk.
And good luck with the terrorists.
Babe, I'm gonna hit the head.
Will you grab me some Combos? Yep.
What you looking at, freak? Be that way.
Rodney, wait.
Where are you going? To kick ass.
Fuck you.
Perfect.
You forgot one thing MacGruber.
They said you were dead.
I'm sorry, Vick, I know it'd be a lot easier for you if I had died.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I think you do.
Rose buds, candles, champagne, chocolate covered strawberries.
You're making a child tonight, aren't you? Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
So I guess it's true, you really have moved on.
I guess so.
Well, then we'll just have to keep things strictly professional.
- I like this song, Vick.
- Thank you.
No, thank you for putting such a big night on hold and joining this mission.
What? What mission? MacGruber.
I came as soon as I could.
And the gang's all here.
Look, we got a lot to cover, Vicki.
- Piper's already been debriefed.
- Hey, Vicki.
Hi, Piper.
Look, I'm sorry.
You guys have to leave.
You cannot be here right now.
Tonight is a very important night for me and my husband, who will be home any second.
Vicki, please just hear us out.
Two days ago, I was dropped off in the desert and exchanged for a little girl and a fucking dog.
And you'll never guess who was behind it.
- Queeth.
- Piper! What? You told me.
Yeah, but Vicki didn't know yet.
Remind me to mess up your next big story that you're excited to tell.
So yeah, anyway it was Queeth.
I'm sorry, I don't know who that is.
Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth.
- Piper! - Jesus Christ.
No, go ahead.
You want it so bad, go, say it.
Come on, let's hear all about him.
Be my guest.
Oh, thank you so much for giving me permission to tell my own story.
Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth, elite special forces leader turned American traitor.
He's been off the grid for 20 years rotting away in a Burkina Fasonian prison.
And guess who put him there? Piper, you want to ruin this one, too? I did.
So needless to say, we don't exchange Christmas cards, especially after what he did to my family.
Oh no, what'd he do to your family? Doesn't matter.
All that matters now is that we take him out, for good this time.
And I'm the only one who can do it 'cause I'm the only one who knows what he's up to.
What is he up to? My gut tells me that Queeth is planning to unleash a major chemical weapon somewhere on American soil.
What? Oh, my God.
Don't worry, we still have a chance to stop him, but we're running out of time.
So what do you say? Piper's in.
- I didn't say that.
- But you're about to.
Look, Vicki, I understand that you're trying to bring a new life into this world, but if we don't stop Queeth, there might not be a world left to bring that child into.
I'll give you 24 hours, but that's it.
Thank you.
Hey, Pipe.
Have you ever seen the movie "The Outsiders?" No.
Do it for Johnny.
What does that mean? That's something they say in that movie.
Let's get something straight.
If I do this, I'm doing it for my family.
- Are we clear? - Loud and.
Piper the family man.
Never thought I'd see the day.
I'm already regretting this.
Okay, let's go.
We can take my Jeep.
Nice try, Piper, but we're gonna need something with a little more juice.
Sir, just got word.
The dispersal devices are now in our possession.
Well, we got our Christmas stockings.
Now all we have to do is stuff them with coal.
Hey, sorry, Vick.
Between serving a life sentence and doing that suicide mission for my country, never had a chance to clean up our wedding decorations.
Oh, I hadn't noticed.
Oh, shoot.
Barrett's calling.
No, don't answer it.
Don't answer it.
Don't you want the help of the United States government? Look, I don't know how far down the rabbit hole this thing goes.
So until we know more, we got to keep this in the inner circle and not including of our dong husbands.
I thought you said we were gonna keep this professional.
I always keep things professional, - and you both know that.
- Hmm.
Good, because I think Barrett could be a huge asset.
A huge ass head? Yeah, I don't disagree.
Face! Piper gets it.
Oh, look, he's calling again.
If I don't answer, he's gonna know something's wrong.
Okay, fine, but say exactly what I tell you to.
Just answer the way you'd normally answer your phone.
- Hello? - Hi, sweetie.
Still stuck at work.
Where are you? Where am I? - Make up something.
- I'm at the park.
- You're in the park? - No, no, no.
No, I'm not at the park.
What made you say that? You must've misheard me.
I'll try to speak more clearly.
- Um, I'm on a ship.
- You're on a ship? I'm certainly not in the car, if that's what you're implying, mister.
Good, good.
Is everything okay? He's asking if everything's okay.
Oh, fuck, fuck.
Oh, what do we do here? What's our play? What's our fucking play? What do I say? Do I say it's good? Oh, got it, got it.
- Tell him everything's normal.
- Everything's normal.
Um, I'm not at the park.
I'm on a ship.
- Wow.
- Just a normal ship.
Is everything normal where you are? Well, actually, things are starting to heat up over here.
Anyway, I wanted to apologize again about tonight.
Having a child with you is the most important thing in the world to me, honey, and I just wanted to make sure that you knew that.
Oh, okay.
Bye.
Great job, Vicki.
That was the perfect call.
Right, Piper? Whoo! - Sir.
- Yes, Major.
A C-130 was hijacked over the Indian Ocean and dropped off radar.
- We think it's our guys.
- What were they carrying? That's the thing, it was just a bunch of ventilation equipment.
What the hell are they up to? We managed to trace a call from the cockpit to an encrypted satellite phone.
We're tracking that phone now.
Don't lose that signal, and get a Reaper in the air pronto, Major.
Yes, sir.
Stay frosty, people.
This is our only shot.
- What is this place? - An abandoned weapons depot.
It officially doesn't exist, but it does, and you're about to see it.
This way.
Haven't been in here for 20 years.
Fingers crossed, nobody else has, either.
Piper! Trip wire.
That could've been very bad for all of us.
Now, watch your step 'cause I booby trapped this whole place to the fucking gills.
Now, let's keep moving.
Carefully.
Hey, guys.
I think I got a problem.
Okay, look.
- Stay very still, Vicki.
- Okay.
I'm gonna get you out of this.
All right.
Look, you've already triggered it.
I know.
As long as we keep pressure on it, like so, we'll be fine.
- It's all about physics.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, we can't stay here forever, right? Yeah.
So we're gonna have to make a move.
Okay, look.
Vicki, look at me.
Look at me! I need you to trust me.
Do you trust me? - Yes.
- Do you trust me? - I said yes.
- Good.
'Cause I'm about to spring this - What? - Right Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Now! Like I said, watch your step.
Thank you for saving me.
It's what I do, and it comes naturally, - like breathing.
- Oh.
Just in and out.
In, out, in, out.
In, out.
In and out.
In and out.
Uh, could we keep moving? Lady's choice.
Sure, well, I guess we should keep moving.
Yeah.
Here you go.
There we go.
All right.
Six, nine, six, nine, six, nine, six, nine, number sign.
So MacGruber, why are we here? May 1, 1998, Burkina Faso.
Tiger Company, the most elite special ops unit in the world had just gone rogue, and their leader, Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth, had just gotten his hands on the most devastating chemical weapon the world has ever known Brimstone.
Six, nine, six, nine, six, nine, six, nine, number sign.
But what Queeth didn't know is that Tiger Company had a mole.
Well, a mole-Gruber.
Long story short, I stole Brimstone and left Queeth and his men to die in a Burkina Fasonian prison.
Only problem, they didn't die.
And now Queeth will do anything to get his hands on this stuff, but luckily for us, I hid it where Queeth will never find it.
Right through this door.
Six, nine, six, nine, six, nine, six, nine, number sign.
Why didn't you just destroy it? Piper, someone worked very hard on this.
And now the moment we've all been waiting for.
Did Queeth beat us to it, or did we beat Queeth? Six, nine, six, nine, six, nine, six, nine.
No number sign.
Oh, thank God.
Yes! Fuck yeah.
And crisis averted.
Fucking liar.
- What do you mean liar? - Oh, just a detail.
Queeth lied to me, said he already had this thing.
But why would he lie to you about having it? I don't know, some people just like to lie.
You know, it makes them feel like they can hang with the big boys, but sadly, Queeth is munching our farts on this one.
Fucking dumb-ass.
I mean, this is such a great series of wins for me.
He fucking lies to me about having it, and I know he's lying, that's win number one.
Then I escape like a fucking badass, that's win number two.
And now I have the thing he desperately needs.
I don't know if you're counting, but I am, and that's win number two.
So he lied to you and said he already had Brimstone.
Yes.
And then you somehow escaped.
Heroically and against all odds, yes.
Yeah, they let you go.
Practically, right? No, I mean, they let you out on purpose.
What? Ha.
I assure you, they did not.
Why don't you tell us a little more about this crazy escape of yours? I'd fucking love to take you through it.
Yes, so there I am at this freaky underground lair, naked, hanging schlong for all to see.
And I didn't even fucking care, right? I sense an opening, and I just fucking rip out of my restraints and fight my way through the guy who was watching me.
Wait, they left you with just one guy? Yeah, but he was, like, a super fucking badass.
Like, one of the toughest blind guys you'll ever see.
Sorry, they left you with a blind guy? Oh, yeah, and it was so fucking terrifying.
You point that guy in the right direction, he's like a guided missile.
Oh, Constantine Bach.
You guys know him.
Remember? Yeah, apparently, he didn't die in that explosion.
Anyway, so there was this scalpel on a tray that was right next to me, and when the blind guy, Constantine, turned away for a sec Stupid fucking move, right? It gave me more than enough time to free myself.
And then I just hand to hand combated him, burned him alive with his own flamethrower, skinned him it was my first time doing that And then escaped.
So you still think they let me out? - 100%.
- I think maybe they did.
Yeah, that makes sense.
They let me out so I could immediately race right here and stop them from getting the one thing they wanted? Yeah, they didn't know where it was.
You led them right to it.
Oh, my God, Piper.
We are so embarrassed for you.
You have so much fucking egg on your face.
I mean, do you hear yourself when you talk? If I had led them right to it then they would be here by Whoa, whoa, there they are.
MacGruber.
Hello, Queeth.
Thanks for leading us to your little hiding place.
So this was all a set up? You really catch on quick.
And you catch on slow and low.
You're such a dumb piece of shit.
See, I knew that was your plan all along, so I made the very smart decision to counterplan you.
Net drop! So where were we? It was something about a counterplan.
Ah, yes, the counterplan.
I mean, do you honestly believe that I would lead you right to Brimstone? Well then, think again.
Then think again and then think again and again and again and again, 'cause that ain't this and this ain't that.
Then you'll let me have it.
Go ahead, take it.
Here.
Be my guest.
Why did you do that? I'm telling you, you're getting played.
Right, guys? Yes.
That's right Not only is that canister filled with a bunch of fresh jizz from me and Piper here Right, Piper? - Right, Piper? - Yeah.
But as we speak, you are surrounded by the full width and breadth of the U.
S.
military, who have orders to shoot you on my command.
Hold off there, General, for a second.
Think I might be able to talk a little sense into him.
Oh, 10-4, what's that? Huh? Roger? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Oh, they want to shoot your fucking face off so bad, but I won't let them yet.
So you want to rethink your dumb little plan? Hang on, hang on.
Yeah, he's thinking about it with his dumb little brain.
So don't kill him yet.
Give him another ten Nine Eight - Seven.
- S seven.
- Six.
- Six.
- Five.
- Fi Four.
Four Three.
Three Two.
Two One.
One more, straight down the barrel.
Yes, sir.
Come on! This way.
Sir, it was a drone.
It's coming around again.
Yeah, well, take it out.
Now! Good God.
Abort! Abort! Sorry, sir, it's been deployed.
Redirect.
Redirect! Trying, sir.
Swing and a miss.
Fire.
Got them.
- Uplink terminated.
- Damn it! Get another Reaper up now.
- 20 minutes, sir.
- Now, major! Yes, sir.
Now, where's our friend, MacGruber? Ha, ha! Fuck you, Queeth.
Want us to go after him, sir? No, we got a schedule to keep.
We got what we came for.