Mad (2010) s01e03 Episode Script

Welcome to the Museum of Natural Mystery, a place to learn about everything from dinosaurs to prehistoric fossils.
Not me, you nitwit.
He means the caveman bones.
Not to mention our wall of ancient hieroglyphics, or as it's more commonly known, "The Diary of a Wimpy Mayan.
" These writings warn of a mystery surrounding the number 2012.
Same say it's the year the world will end.
Some say it's a superstitious tale.
I say it's the price of admission.
$20? That's ridiculous.
I can bore my kids just as easily with a long car ride.
Oh, no.
And then in 1989, I held a boombox over my head.
Boomboxes were like mp3 players, but much heavier.
Hey, kids, look.
A shooting star.
Make a wish.
I wish you'd stop talking.
Wait a minute.
You can't see shooting stars in the day.
A puppy! But not just one of 'em.
Quick.
Someone turn on the television.
This is the president.
It seems we've all been condemned to eternal dalmatian.
Ha ha ha ha! See what I did there with the Anyway, puppies of all sizes are landin' so hard, it's wreaking havoc across the world On the ocean I'm using hot dogs for bait.
On land And at ocean land.
Whoa.
But at this time, emergency plans are spotty at best.
Get it? Spotty.
Guhh! Anyway, you're on your own.
- Unh.
Wow.
I just got collared.
We gotta fix this dog situation.
I I don't mean "fix.
" I mean lead them away somewhere.
I have a dog treat.
We're gonna need a bigger bone.
Whaah! That's it! That's it? Jeez, on the log flume, you at least get your picture taken.
A dinosaur bone? They're following us.
Where are we going? You'll see.
Just get ready to jump.
3, 2, now.
Hmm.
Did I leave the kettle on? Ohh! Uhh.
Why do I live in a canyon? Nice goin', dad.
Well, now we know what 2012 stands for.
Yeah.
It's the price of that dinosaur bone.
Ah.
Freeze, lady.
Your murderous crime spree is over.
Mad! And now for gross and beyond gross.
Seeing a guy wipe his nose with a jacket sleeve is gross.
Seeing that it's your jacket sleeve is beyond gross.
Waking up with a huge zit is gross.
Waking someone else up with a huge zit is beyond gross.
Reaching into your toilet to retrieve your cell phone is gross.
Realizing that may not be your phone is beyond gross.
This has been gross and beyond gross.
Seriously? The lesser known effects of global warming.
Polar bears that have lost their habitat will move onto your couch and watch only "Glee.
" - Singing in high school - Polar bears love "Glee.
" After the fish run out, penguins will seek out their next-favorite food, humans.
Christmas specials will include a lengthy back story as to what snow was.
It was cold and wet, and it came from the sky.
Whatever, grandma.
"Frosty the Dirtman" is on.
In the event of an emergency, masks will drop down, like so.
This Sunday, catch up with Rim, Towee, and Courtfee on "Keeping Up with the Carcrashians.
" "It's a smash hit," says "Entertainment Sickly.
" "We love this show," says "TV Lied.
" And the "Automotive Almanac" raves "it's got really great suspension.
" 'Cause you'll never guess what happens when Courtfee crashes Rim's photo shoot.
Ok, maybe you will.
- Mad! - Mad! - Mad! From the makers of the movie "Up" comes something else called Up.
Introducing Up, an advanced system of getting you up and out of a jam.
Bored with the school field trip? Just use up.
About to be pummeled by the school bully? Try up.
Big test getting you down? Get on up.
Up utilizes over 2,000 balloons easily attached to any surface, which means up is also transferable to your friends I wish I had somewhere to sit.
Your dog Aah! Even your room.
That room better not be messy.
Good job.
But this great deal is almost up.
Time for school, class.
So get up.
Warning The makers of up aren't responsible for where you end up.
Now, the only downside is there's not a lot of room in the trunk.
Well, that won't be a problem for me.
Oh.
Heh heh.
I get it.
'Cause you're an elephant, right? Uh, no.
Because my wife took everything in the divorce.
Heh.
No, I'm just kidding.
I cleaned her out.
Yeah.
I'll, uh I'll take it.
Let me guess.
More oil.
If you like things messy, try the new triple pounder from Juicy Jr.
's.
It won't just mess up your shirt.
It'll mess up your room Your room is a mess.
You're grounded.
But Your reputation Hey, bonehead.
You're dead, man! Uhh! - Even your life.
Billy, we found your fingerprints all over the crime scene.
Yeah.
I guess you got us, Copper.
The new triple pounder from Juicy Jr.
's.
Think twice about how messy you want things to get.
Fresh meat.
Hmm.
Uh "Mad's" guide to celebrity siblings.
They're just like their famous siblings, only less talented.
Take the Jonas Brothers.
You know Nick, Joe, and Kevin, but what about their sister Mertha? Uh, I don't play an instrument, but sometimes when I breathe, my nose whistles.
Everyone knows Mario and Luigi, but what about their brother Fabrizio? I don't like-a the sewers.
I make-a pizza instead.
Finally, we love to watch Emily Osment on "Hannah Montana," but you would ever want to watch something starring her brother, Haley Joel Osment? A-actually, I was a child actor, too.
Sure, you were.
We all were.
- I was! I was in "The Sixth Sense" - Never heard of them.
What about "A.
I.
"? This has been "Mad's" guide to celebrity siblings.
"Secondhand Lions"? No, even I didn't see that one.
Mmm.
Lunch.
Uh, Bob, that's a sandwich.
Aha.
Mad.
Get me a hospital bed.
Is the patient hurt? No, for me.
I'm exhausted from pushing him here.
I don't feel so good.
Quick! Give him 20ccs of sodium phosphate.
I'll make it a blind cc so he doesn't know who sent it.
Stand back.
I'm putting him under with a sedative.
Uhh.
That's strange.
You all look so different all of a sudden.
Quick! What are his vitals? They're Over 9,000! What?! 9,000?! That's impossible! I'm gonna have to power up to Super Surgeon.
Where'd his shirt go? I'll prep this surgery by playing the card Dark Physician.
He has 3,000 healing points and is a medicine-type monster.
Not so fast, Lexie.
I already played the trap card Malpractice Suit, destroying your Dark Physician.
Alex, what are you doing? We have to work together.
No, Lexie.
I'll defeat you and heal this patient all by myself.
He's up to 10,000.
We're losing him! We need to shock him.
Go, Checkaflu.
Checkafluuuu! - That bought us some time.
- Oh, no! Look! He's got the final fragment of the esper crystal stuck in his chest.
Of course.
That explains the poisoning of his soul.
There's only thing that can dislodge an esper shard.
Metamorph to robotic surgeon! Arrow of light! What the heck happened? Oh, you just needed your appendix out.
You're fine now.
But but Checkaflu.
Bless you.