Mad About You s01e03 Episode Script

What? Helen Hayes broke her foot.
Oh, no.
Actually, I thought she was dead, so this is, you know-- She's, like, ahead of the game, ifyou think about it.
- Makes you think.
- It sure does.
You got to seize every moment.
So what do you want to do today? I don't know.
What do you want to do? - Something.
- That'd be good.
- Don't you think? - Sure.
You know, it's Sunday.
We got the whole city at our feet.
Okay.
There's a 10K run in the park.
The gay pride parade.
Again? Think we have enough gay friends? To do what? - I'm just asking.
- What are you talking about? There's Eddie and Rob, Tony Prado-- Tony's not gay.
I fixed him up with my sister.
Look.
They're fighting again.
- Who? - Bulgaria, Turkey that whole Midnight Express area.
Look right there at how lucky we are that at least we don't live in a war zone.
- I'm gonna get up.
- Good for you.
Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who Can start my heart as much as you Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine They say nobody's perfect Well, that's really true this time I don't have the answers I don't have a plan But I'm mad about you, baby So help me understand What we do You can whisper in my ear Where we go Who knows what happens after here Let's take each other's hand As we jump into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby Yeah I'm mad about you Oh, God, I wish I still smoked.
There's nothing like that first cigarette after you brush.
- What are you doing? What? - What am I doing? I thought we agreed to do the puzzle together.
Yes, but I couldn't find you.
I only did the downs.
You called the 900 number for the answers, didn't you? That is sick that you would even accuse me of something like that.
So you're telling me you actually knew the 16-letter word for a Suriname pidgin language.
- Hey, I had a life before you.
- I'll be checking the phone bill.
I have no doubt that you will.
Why are there rocks in our bathtub? It's not a rock.
It's a pumice stone.
What's pumice? It's a rock.
Wow.
I had the weirdest dream last night.
- About what? - About us.
Oh, yeah? What were we doing? - Well, we were sitting on a couch-- - And? And eating potato chips.
- And? - And we were watching the Weather Channel.
- That's it? - That's it.
We were sitting, eating and watching.
- That's a dream you remembered? - I'm not saying I'm proud of it.
I'm just sharing.
Maybe it's symbolic.
Maybe the couch was really a ship or something.
Oh, no.
This was definitely a couch.
There were cushions, you know? Or the Weather Channel.
Weather means change, you know? Winds, storms, highs, lows.
Nah, I think they said "fair and mild" the whole time.
What about the chips? Were they at least barbecued flavor? No.
Nope, plain chips but crispy, you know? We'd better get out ofthe house.
Fine.
Tell me what you want to do.
All right.
There's an Amish quilt exhibition at the folk art museum.
Boy, that'll be a mob scene.
Well, what do you want to do, besides go to a movie? Fine.
I won't go to a movie.
You know, the Belgian film festival's at the Quad.
I'm all atingle.
We always go to the movies.
This article says every quilt tells a story.
You find me a quilt that tells the story of Casablanca I'll be there.
"Gal Friday.
Hair stylist, hand model--" That would be good.
You have beautiful hands.
Yeah, but they're not reliable.
Your hands? Who is this guy Kelly, and why does he need all these girls? Look at this.
" Body parts found in bag inJersey.
" Wow.
I wonder if it's anyone I know.
Why would you automatically assume that? What, you think I don't have friends? Oh, my.
I should get down to the theatre.
- What are you going to see? - Will Rogers Follies.
Big date? Yeah, right, Paul.
- You meeting somebody there? - No.
You know what? It's a musical, and there'll be plenty of people on stage.
- Call me later.
- Okay.
What is that? An actual cooking thing going on there? Well, I thought I'd give it a try.
- What is it? - A cassoulet.
- Oh.
What's that? - Same as a casserole.
So why would they call it that? I don't know.
Should I call Paris? No, itjust seems, why not call it a casserole? Why do that to people? Because they're bastards and they hate you.
It's different.
You want different, right? I do? Sure seems that way.
Did we have a fight while I wasn't here? I thought we promised not to do that anymore.
I just love waking up on a Sunday and having my husband tell me I'm boring.
Honey, it was a dream.
Boy, I'm glad I shared that.
It does not mean that I'm bored with you.
Exactly.
Ifyou sayyou're bored with our life, how should I take that? I didn't say I was bored.
It was a dream.
It was my dream.
So put it on me.
It's all me, okay? I'm a boring, boring man.
And I married you, so what does that say about me? Where do you get this? I keep reading about all these things, these happening places we've never been.
- Why aren't we out there? - 'Cause nobody invited us.
That's why.
I'm serious.
How did this happen? I used to be out there all the time.
I frizzed my hair.
I wore hats.
I slept with artists.
Once.
Commercial.
Still-- - What kind of hats? - All kinds.
Big funky hats.
Little funky hats.
I wore hats.
I've never seen you wear a hat.
Yeah, well, I guess those days are gone.
This isn't working.
Do we have a slotted spoon? - Let's do something.
- Really? - What did I just say? - Like what? - Whateveryou want.
- The quilt show? The quilt show, I'm not so sure.
You know, there's-- Those folk art things, they get pretty dangerous.
- How? - Wilding.
- Wilding? - A lot ofwilding goes on in there.
You'd be surprised.
It's, like, gangs and rumbles.
- Between whom? - The Amish and the other Amish.
It's like theJets and the Sharks with them.
You don't want to be there.
Nice try.
Do we have any cumin? - How about the film festival? - The Belgian one? Honey, ifwe don't go, who will? Do me a favor.
Call Fran and ask her what cumin is.
Oh, no.
J ust use pepper.
It's the same thing.
Please.
- Fran's gonna make a big deal ofthis.
-J ust ask her.
I'm asking her.
- Hello.
Dr.
Devanow.
- Mark, hi.
It's Paul.
- It's Paul.
- Hi, Paul.
- That was Fran.
- I figured.
Do you know what cumin is? - Oh, Fran loves it.
- Loves what? - Cumin.
- I love it.
- Fran loves it.
- What is it? - What is it? - What is it? Very earthy.
Also good for the middle ear.
- Hold on.
I'm getting the book.
- She's getting the book.
- What book? No, don't get a book! - Hi.
It's me.
Would you believe I own one entire book ofcumin recipes? You know something? Yes, I would.
Here.
Let mejust read to you.
"Chapter One: The history ofcumin.
The historyofcumin can almostbeseen as the history of man himself.
First discoveredin the netherreaches ofthe Indian terrain--" Well? She says it's like pepper.
All right.
So we go to lunch first, then the film festival then 86 minutes ofyour quilt show thing.
- Eighty-six minutes? - Same time as the movie.
Seems fair.
But we got to get out of here now.
The parade'll hit our block any second.
- So? - So they already closed Hudson for the 1 0K, which means ifwe're not out now - we're stuck for two hours.
- Found it.
What do you think? It's very hip, very happening.
Let's get uptown where nobody knows us.
- It's your mother.
- How do you know? How did I know Fran was going to do 40 minutes on cumin? Hi, we 're out.
Leave a message, and we 'll callyouback.
Jamie?It'syourmother.
Mom, we're here.
We'rejust going out.
No, she went to the theatre.
Look at this.
Did we ever eat at Fung We? - Slacks and a nice top.
- Did we? - Once, I think, yeah.
- They closed it.
Mom, the people in the theatre are not gonna know she's your daughter.
- For health violations.
- What? They closed Fung We for health violations.
Stop it.
We'll call you later.
You too.
Bye.
We ate there two months ago.
Come on.
I haven't felt quite right ever since I ate those steamed dumplings.
- They were terrible.
- They made me thirsty.
- Stop it.
- I'm just saying.
A tapeworm takes two months to grow.
That's what I think I have.
Come on.
Lunch, quilt, movie.
Let's go.
- I don't think I can eat lunch.
- Fine.
Quilt, lunch, movie.
- Let's just get out of here.
Come on.
- Fung We.
They should call it Fung Yu.
There's all these men outside your building.
It's a parade.
It's the gay pride parade.
Oh.
How come nobody hit on me? - You disappointed? - It's nice to be asked.
- Listen, Selby, we're heading out.
- No, that's cool.
I'm just gonna hang out for a while.
You know, I'm doing the 1 0K.
Here? Yeah.
I started it.
I figured that I'd wait it out, then blend in at the finish line.
You would not believe the women just waiting there with towels and Gatorade.
- So you entered this race-- - Don't even engage.
J ust go.
Don't feed the dog.
Hi, buddy.
Did they leave you all alone here on a Sunday? Sucks, doesn't it? Well, you and me, we are feasting.
Look at that! Ooh! Oh, who's the best dog? - Who's the best guy? - Selby! Bad dog.
What happened? I thought you guys were going out.
Oh, honey, come here.
You're gonna miss theJ udy Garland balloon.
Yes, Ma.
Right, Ma.
Yes, Ma.
Ma? Let me say hi to Dad.
Hi.
Okay.
Fine.
Yes, Ma.
- Does this look like it's jelling? - That's clotting.
No, that'sJamie, Ma.
- No, she knows, she knows.
- Knows what? How annoying it is to talk to somebody when they're on the phone.
No, she's cooking, Ma.
Why would I lie? Yes, she is.
A cassoulet.
It's like a casserole.
To make trouble, that's why.
Because they're French.
Ma, listen.
I got to go.
I got to go.
I am.
Yes.
I do.
Bye.
I will.
Bye.
- Have you seen the book review? - I don't look at the book review 'cause all they do is give away the end, and I hate that.
Where are the obituaries? I got to see what they said about Stanley Conn.
- Who's that? - I don't know.
My motherjust said it was really well written.
-Why are you eating? We're going out.
-We don't have time.
Is the parade over? Yeah, like, two minutes ago.
Did they seem really festive this year? I think it's sad they even have to have a parade.
I magine ifsomeone told you the person you chose to love was a sin? I mean, besides your mother? Hey.
She's crazy about you.
That's halftrue.
Come on.
The streets are open, the paths are clear.
We head uptown for the film festival, then 43 minutes ofyour quilt show-- - Eighty-six.
- Whatever.
Then back home for some cassoulet, which, God willing will havejelled by then.
- Don't.
- I won't.
Hi, we 're out.
Leave a message and we 'll callyouback.
Hi.
It's Lisa.
- Don't.
- I'm not.
Iknowyou'reprobablyout.
Ijustreallyneededto talk toyou.
Hi, I'm here.
What's the matter? Are you all right? - What is wrong? - She's having a trauma.
- From what? - The Will Rogers Follies.
What do you think it was? The story? The music? The rope tricks? Your sister okay? I think I convinced her to go back in for the second act.
What was it? She decided ifWill Rogers met her, he wouldn't like her.
Look at this: Portugal, round trip, $300.
We can't even make it to the lobby.
- Come on.
Let's go.
Movie, quilt-- - We don't have time now.
I have to be back by 7:00 to put this in the oven, or it's ruined.
- Says who? - Right here.
They're very specific.
It doesn't look like the picture, does it? You know, once you light and shellac it, it's really gonna come to life.
So what we'll do is go to the movie-- - What? - We only have time to do one.
So you just assumed it would be yours? - Yes.
- What do you call that? Compromise.
It makes more sense.
I would have a worse time doing your thing.
Look, you'll like it, because you can have popcorn, Gummi Bears-- - Call it.
- Heads.
Tails.
Heads.
- You sure? - Heads.
Thankyou.
- Two out ofthree.
- I'm sorry.
Hi, we 're out.
Leave a message and we 'll callyouback.
Paul? Paul, is thatyou?Hello? You there?No? Oh.
Okay, listen.
It's me, Mark, all right? I'm atapayphone.
This isn'tan emergency, but I'llbe here for the next couple ofminutes.
The numberhere is 822 then there 's eithera 4 ora French 7.
- Leave it.
- Hello? Hello? Paul? Paul? Is that you? Oh.
I thought you were the machine.
- I'm not.
- Oh.
Okay, listen.
Fran and I were at Zabarl's.
A new shipment ofspices just came in.
Fran wanted me to call and find out ifyou needed any cumin.
- You're out? - Yeah.
- You're out in the world? - Yeah.
Anyway, listen.
We werejust at the Belgian Film Festival.
You went to the Belgian Film Festival? - Yeah - How-- Why? Well, we went to the Quad Cinemas.
Number one was sold out.
Number twostartedtoo late.
Number three-- they only had seats in the first five rows and you know Fran's neck, so we went to the Belgian Film Festival.
Actually, it was pretty good.
Although it's a little confusing, youknow? I guess it makes sense when you find out it's all supposed to be a dream butyou don't findthat out until the veryend.
Hello? Paul? It's not like it's Psycho.
I can't go if I know the end.
I told you that.
Fine, so we'll go see the quilts.
Let's just get out of here.
Here we go.
There's a revival of Citizen Kane.
Rosebud's his sled.
Let's go to the museum.
I really had my heart set on a movie.
- So my heart doesn't count? - Who won the toss? That only covered the Belgians.
Let's do something neither of us want to do.
Oh, great.
Like hiring your Cousin I ra's band to play at our wedding.
- That was good.
- Lay offof I ra.
This is ridiculous.
You want to do your thing, I want to do mine.
Why don't wejust do it? What, alone? Why not? That's true.
We used to do things alone all the time, didn't we? Yes.
We don't have to do every little thing together.
Exactly.
Look at my sister.
Look at Selby.
- Ifthey can do it-- - You know why? Because they're not sitting around waiting for somebody to hold their hand.
Good foryou.
So you know what? Let's do that.
I'll see you here later.
Okay.
Are you going? Yeah.
Are you gonna go? Yeah.
What, to the quilt thing? Probably.
I don't know.
Should I go with you? I thought you wanted to see a movie.
Go.
You go.
Seriously.
That's exactly what they're doing.
My sister and Selby.
What? They're waiting for someone to hold their hand.
Maybe.
I mean, it's what I was doing, running around in these stupid hats.
Hey, listen.
I was running around without a hat, and it was no picnic either.
Come here.
Come here.
I have a quilt I want to show you.
Hi, we 're out.
Leave a message, and we 'll callyouback.
Youguys there? It's me, Selby.
You'll love this.
I won the 10K.
Sorry about dinner.
- It was an effort.
- Thankyou.
No, I meant to eat it.
It was an effort.
You know something? I can honestly say now I have read the Sunday paper cover to cover.
- And? - And I am just as stupid as I was this morning.
Thankyou for a perfect Sunday.
Hey, could have been worse, you know.
No, I mean it.
It was perfect.
- Seriously? - Yes.
- You're not bored? - No, are you? Am I b-- Are you kidding me? I got you, I got potato chips.
How much better could this be? This is the Weather Channel.
Oh, this is it.
This is my dream come true.