Mad Love s01e03 Episode Script

When you meet the right person, it can feel like you've known them your whole life.
Hey there, you.
Hey you there.
Hey, Ben's shadow.
Hey, Kate's failed science experiment.
Ben, I didn't have your address.
So here's your invitation to Kate's birthday party.
Larry, I guess you can come, but I didn't want to waste an invitation on you.
Naturally.
You didn't mention it was your birthday.
I don't like to make a big deal out of it.
No.
She lets me do it so she seems modest.
What was I supposed to say? "it's my birthday.
Celebrate me.
"I know that we've only been going out for a few weeks, "but you better get me something.
"and it better be awesome, but not too awesome because that would creep me out.
" Not that I think any of that stuff.
She thinks all that stuff.
"you are cordially invited to attend the 25th annual Katefest"? "Katefest"? Stop it.
That is why you don't get one.
We have been doing this since we were nine and we had a lot of cute names for things back then.
Like she used to call her pajamas her "pa-Jay-jays.
" Thank you for that, Kate.
I am going to save that for later.
So you've been throwing this party for 25 years? Were any of them pa-Jay-Jay parties? I don't know why you even bother putting those in your pretend pocket.
The name comes from the first one.
We were in the third grade and we'd just met.
She was new to school.
We both forgot our permission slips for the planetarium field trip.
So we had to spend the whole day reading.
- Hi, I'm Kate.
- I'm Connie.
Kind of a lousy way to spend my birthday.
I'm going to choose to not be offended by that.
- Oh, no, no, I meant - It's okay.
I was just kidding.
Connie took me under her wing that day.
She threw the first Katefest in Mrs.
Krebs' classroom.
The birthday cake was a ding dong.
And we've been best friends ever since.
Kind of reminds me of how we became friends, Huh, Larry? Yeah.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
- Wow.
Magical.
- Little bit.
Little bit magical.
You are calling the party "the Kate Gatsby"? It's a 1920s theme.
How are you not making fun of yourself? Well, you don't have to come if you don't want to.
No.
No, no.
I might drop by.
No, no, no, Larry.
This is not an "I might drop by" party.
I need a yes or a no.
Mmm.
Put me down as a "maybe.
" Wait a minute.
Hold on.
This says "cohosted by Tiffany Haines.
" That wouldn't be your blonde, hot boss that's totally into me, would it? No.
It would be my blonde, hot boss that's totally married.
So we agree that she's hot.
Good.
Change me to a "yes.
" Okay.
Who needs a "three days before her birthday" drink? - I do.
- Okay, wait here.
It'll be a surprise.
Larry, join me.
- Yeah.
- Larry, join me.
Right.
Okay, so this is not a big deal.
I just have two days to find the perfect gift for a brand-new girlfriend.
Well, don't freak out.
Here's what you do: You break up with her.
I keep forgetting to stop listening after you say "here's what you do.
" I am here.
What is it? What's this amazing gift you got for Kate, huh? Is it turquoise jewelry? Lighted mirror? Massage chair? Larry, this is my first gift for Kate, okay? I can't get her something out of a Skymall catalog.
Do you know that they have speakers that look like rocks? So you hear music and you're all, like, "doo-doo-doo.
Where is that music coming from? All I see are rocks.
" Yes, Larry, I already know what to get you for your birthday, but Kate is not you.
For Kate, I need something special.
Something personal.
So Oh, no.
What's he got? Oh.
Oh.
I misunderstood.
I thought you were getting a gift for Kate, not for Roger Ebert.
It's a vintage King Kong poster on her favorite building in New York.
It fits perfectly by the door in her apartment.
I measured.
Did you also measure under her bed? Because that's where she's going to put it.
What did you get your girlfriend for her last birthday? Oh, zing.
Anyway, because I am the perfect boyfriend, I am now going to go help out with Kate's party.
- You are so whipped.
- At Tiffany's apartment.
Let's share a cab.
Oh, Tiffany, why do you have a picture of a supermodel on your countertop? That's me.
What? You are so cute.
And so nice to help set up for the party.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
I am addicted to helping people.
- Little help, Larry.
- Not now, Ben.
So, Tiffany, where is that pesky husband of yours hiding, huh? Bernie took the twins and our vacation nannies up to Boca to see his mother.
It's her birthday too.
But you're not going? Is it-oh, no.
Oh, no.
Is everything okay with you and Bernie? Oh, yeah.
I never go.
That's always my gift to Bernie's mother.
It's really cool of you to let Connie use your place, Tiffany.
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding? I love throwing parties.
And I never get to do it anymore because Bernie's a drag? No.
Because we have twins now.
Anyway, I feel like I'm the one that should be grateful Because Bernie's gone for the weekend? No.
I need three bartenders at 7:00.
Why would I need seven bartenders at 3:00? Well, those people drink too much.
Ben, those plates don't go there.
What are you doing here? He's addicted to helping.
You know what, Connie, this is all so stressful for you.
What if we just cancel Katefest this year? No, no, no, this isn't stressful for me.
The dance floor.
Hey, Connie, I was thinking we could clear out the furniture in the living room and put the dance floor there.
Sweetie, I love your ideas.
I just don't want to hear any more of them.
Wow.
I'm not used to Connie caring so much about something.
It's like Larry crying at a car commercial.
That car was there for all the big moments in his life.
Every year, it's the same thing.
For the three weeks leading up to my birthday, she turns into a crazy person.
I mean, the parties are fine, but I would so much rather not live with a lunatic for a month every year.
So why can't you just tell her? Oh, yeah, I'll just say "hey, Connie, "you know those parties that you've been throwing "for me for the past 25 years? "they turn you into an unbearable monster.
So just stop it.
" Yeah.
Do that.
I don't want to come off as a Saying how you feel is not being a bitch.
Shhh! You can be honest with Connie without being a Bitch.
I really can't.
She'll make that face.
- Oh, I hate that face.
- You've seen it? Yeah.
I've seen her face.
I don't like disappointing people.
I mean, it's the same reason I pretend to like all those skyscraper-themed gifts people always give me.
- What's that? - What's wrong with those? Nothing.
It's just I have so many of them.
Snow globes and key chains and magnets.
I mean, I love this city, but I don't need any more cute little reminders of it in my home, you know? Yeah.
Totally.
Mm.
You know what sucks about that, Ben? That poster you got her is a cute little reminder of the city.
So we drop the wine off for the party.
When I excuse myself to the bathroom, you distract Kate long enough for me to do some light snooping and figure out the perfect gift.
Okay.
Now when do I go to the bathroom? No, Larry, you don't go to the bathroom.
But I actually have to go to the bathroom.
I asked you before we left if you had to go to the bathroom.
Well, I'm sorry.
I didn't have to go then, Ben.
Just hold it in for five minutes.
I'll try.
I'm just going to run to the bathroom real quick.
That was so sweet of you guys to bring over wine for the party.
Connie would say thank you if she wasn't crazy and you weren't you.
Ha ha ha.
It was our pleasure.
And, you know, I'm sorry about Ben.
I told him to go to the bathroom before we left.
But he just never listens to me.
Okay, let's see.
Poetry books.
Boring.
Jewelry.
Too soon.
Come on, Ben.
Holy crap.
Wow.
She was not kidding.
Oh.
This is kind of cool.
So where's Connie? Abusing a caterer? I know.
She's off the rails.
- Worse than 19-Katie-four.
- What? It was an '80s-themed Katefest.
Yeah, I'm having some serious deja vu right now.
I feel like I've been to one of these Kate-themed parties.
It's possible.
Sometimes my friends bring friends.
And then sometimes their friends bring friends.
Are you friends with any of my friends' friends' friends? What other themes have you done? Well, a couple years ago, We had a Dr.
Seuss theme party.
"Kate in the hat.
" And there was a Nixon one called "Waterkate.
" I think I was in a costume.
Did-did you ever have your birthday around Halloween? No.
Birth dates don't usually change.
Actually, we did have a belated one one summer called "better Kate than never.
" I get it.
I get it.
Kate rhymes with a bunch of stuff.
Congratulations.
When you need a gift for a girl you don't know, clues can be anywhere.
Don't look under beds though.
That never goes well.
Well, then you're going to have to make another cake.
Yes, by tonight because the party is tonight.
Are you two enjoying your coffee? That's so nice.
Because her name's Kate, not Kathy.
No, Kate's not short for Kathy.
- Just make a new cake.
- Wow.
For someone who's so sweet to my kids, she sure is mean to bakers.
This time of year, she turns into partyzilla.
Rrrrr.
I'm Connie.
Your party is gonna be perfect whether you like it or not.
Now do what I say.
Roarrrrrr.
That's so funny.
Isn't that perfect, Connie? - Really, Kate? - Oh, God.
I go through all this trouble for you and you make fun of me? No, no, Con, that was-I You want the truth? Yeah.
The truth is you turn into a crazy lady when you plan these parties.
You stomp around and you yell at people.
You've been banned from 12 bakeries.
I think I heard that wrong.
Are you trying to say "thank you, Connie"? Yeah.
Thank you, Connie.
Thanks for Katefest.
Or as I like to call it, the week that you stress me out so much that I can't even poop.
Well, if it is so unpleasant for you, then why don't you not even come and I'll just throw the party without you.
Right.
Have a Katefest without Kate.
Watch me.
Katefest is officially fest! I am so psyched about my gift idea.
I knew I'd nail it.
I am good, Larry.
At everything but this.
Yeah.
Come here.
I got you.
See, it's all about paying attention.
Like, for instance, you probably don't remember the story Kate told about how Katefest started.
What, the thing with the ding dong in the classroom? Okay.
But you probably don't remember where they were going.
The planetarium.
But they couldn't go because they didn't have the permission slips.
I always forget that you remember everything you hear.
Why aren't you a better lawyer? I'm gonna try to forget that you said that.
Even though you know that I never will.
There.
Looking good, buddy.
Well, anyway, that is what we are doing.
We are taking them to the planetarium tonight right after the party.
It's the field trip they never had.
Very good.
Very good.
Oh, no.
Wait.
Hold on.
Did you say that we are taking them? Yeah.
See, that's the knockout punch.
When you show up with Connie.
Got it.
I knock out Connie.
Larry, I want this to be a big surprise for Kate.
Okay? So I'm gonna have her in there blindfolded.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Kinky.
And then you walk in with Connie.
Let me ask you something.
Should we be putting something over Connie's face as well like a burlap sack or a hood? You got this? Your job is simple, okay? Right after the party, I disappear with Kate and then you somehow get Connie to the planetarium.
Right.
Which wouldn't be hard if she was bound and gagged.
Happy Birthday.
You look sharp.
You lookComfortable.
Why are you still wearing your pa-Jay-jays? Because we're not going to the party.
Ooh.
What's this? Uh, well, I got you this, but, um An iPod? Cool.
But it's only part of the gift.
- Wait.
There's more? - Yeah.
It's like a clue.
See, I know you like puzzles.
And I wanted to do your gift in pieces.
Ooh, like a treasure hunt.
It's like the amazing race, but without all the gay people fighting in cabs.
- Thank you so much, Ben.
- You're welcome.
But-I'm sorry-why aren't we going to the party? - Because I'm not invited.
- Why? Because Connie and I aren't even speaking.
Why? Because I told her exactly how I felt.
Why? Because you told me to.
You said "be honest with Connie" and I was.
I was kind of a bitch, Ben.
What? No.
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
Sorry.
That was-that was something I told you yesterday.
I don't even know what I'm saying most of the time.
No, no, no.
You are- you are not a, uh, bitch.
Oh, I think Connie would beg to differ.
Oh, Kate, come on.
It's Katefest.
You can't have Katefest without Kate.
That's what I said.
But apparently now, it's just fest.
So I'm not even sure that you're dressed right.
Look, Kate, I think you should go because Ben, you can say whatever you want, but I am not gonna change my mind.
I've had it.
I can't take her when she's like this anymore.
And, yes, I know that deep down, it's just because she loves me.
And that for the past 25 years, she's gone our of her way to get all of my friends together.
And that all of this is just to make me happy on my birthday.
And oh, my God, I have to go get dressed.
I don't know what to tell you, Larry.
They didn't have chocolate fountains in the '20s.
Well, they didn't have push-up bras either, but I see that didn't stop you.
I love this '20s theme.
It's like seeing 10 years into the future.
- Is Kate- - Tiffany, Kate isn't coming.
So we're not talking about Kate.
That's funny because everyone out there is.
They're wondering why she's not coming and what to do with their gifts.
Okay, actually, I've been opening the gifts so that part's covered.
But they want to know who they're gonna sing "Happy Birthday" to.
They can sing "Happy Birthday" to Kathy.
It's right there on the cake.
Should I take these Kates in a blanket out to the guests? They're pigs in a blan-Kate! And they're not even that anymore.
Easy, Connie.
She's just trying to help.
Hey, Larry, I've been throwing this party for 25 years.
I didn't need help with "the Kate escape," "Kate is enough," "the masquer-Kate ball," or "New York Kate of mind," And I don't need help with this.
"masquer-Kate.
" that's the one.
That's the one I was at.
What happened there? Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
'Scuse me.
So who did you say you know at this party? What's the difference, Ben? Look at all the women in hot, revealing costumes, all right? Take your pick.
Oh, hot geisha, 11:00.
Oh, I'd like to read her memoirs.
Excuse me.
Oh, my God.
- You speak Spanish? - Si, Lorenzo.
Ole.
Ho ho.
Kate, you made it.
Yeah, well, I heard there were going to be cocktail wieners.
Oh.
Those are gone.
That's okay.
I really just came to see Connie.
Oh, Connie left 20 minutes ago.
- What? - What? Yeah.
She said something about never wanting to hear the name Kate again.
And then she said she was going home unlessBlank was there.
In which case she was going anywhere but home.
Oh, crap.
You had one job, Larry.
I know.
She called me Lorenzo.
Okay, this is a disaster, Larry.
We can't do the planetarium without Connie and we have to be there by midnight.
Okay, well, you're probably gonna think this is crazy, but I think I have a way to get Connie there.
Trust me, Ben, I know what I'm doing.
The last time you said that, you filled my car with diesel.
- And I saved you six bucks.
- The engine exploded.
I still think that was a coincidence.
I'll see you at the planetarium.
Ugh.
Officially the worst night ever.
I need you to come with me.
I think we're at a point in our relationship where that's a non-starter.
Oh, it is not for me, okay? It's for Kate.
Now, I know you said some stuff.
Kate said some stuff.
It got heated.
I assume you two almost kissed.
- You're disgusting.
- It's okay.
I don't expect you to admit it to me anyway, all right? Momentary lapse in judgment.
We've all done it.
You.
Me.
You and me.
- What are you talking about? - Excellent question, Connie.
Let me paint a picture for you.
The year is 2003.
The place: Masquer-Kate.
It was a crowded club.
The DJ was dressed as Ace Ventura.
A tired reference even then.
All righty then! Later, a mirror ball fell.
Luckily no one was hurt.
And at the end of the night, a woman dressed as a geisha was fortunate enough to meet a handsome young bank robber.
Wait.
I was dressed as a geisha.
Correct.
Now I wonder who that handsome young bank robber was? - Whoa.
- Indeed.
This is a stickup.
No.
He was funny.
He was clever.
He was interesting.
He was notYou.
He made a big deal about leaving his mask on because when I asked him who he was, he said My name is Viggo Mortensen.
Ha ha.
Oh.
No, no, no.
Oh, God.
Wake up.
Wake up.
This is a nightmare.
Oh, this is a nightmare.
Now, given our mutual distaste for one another, I assume that you would rather not have this little incident revealed to your friends, family, and loved ones.
So if you agree to come with me right now.
Our little secret can die right here, okay? But if you do not, I'm afraid it will live on in the world in vivid detail.
Shall we? Okay, right this way.
Sorry.
Come right here.
Okay.
Watch out for the snakes.
Kidding.
Come here.
So goodnight moon and an iPod.
I don't get it.
Where are we? Well, we are In The planetarium.
My field trip.
Ben.
My firm represents the curator's brother so I got him to let us in.
I am signing your permission slip.
Ben, you're amazing.
This is so great.
I just wish I could share it with Connie.
Well, the show hasn't started yet.
Ben Parr, what did you do? You said you wouldn't talk about it.
No, I didn't.
I said I wouldn't talk about it in front of other people so Thank God she doesn't have a sack on her head.
I'm sorry.
I am such a brat.
I didn't mean any of that stuff.
No.
It was true.
And I really liked your imitation of me.
I don't know what happens to me.
Oh, well, what I should have said is that I love how hard you work to make my birthdays fun.
But my favorite Katefest is always gonna be that first one when it was just you and me and a ding dong.
- We still have the ding dong.
- Oho.
Oh, you sure you want to be taunting me right now, Connie-San? - What? - Nothing.
Ben, this is so exciting.
When does the show start? Right now.
Thank you so much.
You could not have gotten me a more perfect gift.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Yes, Larry, it is a rock speaker.
And you can have it when we're done.
Oh, you could not have gotten me a more perfect gift.
Enjoy the light show.
And let the soundtrack of 1986 take you back.
So if you're worried you don't know someone because you don't have a history together, my advice, make your own history.
And if you find out you already have a history together and don't like it, deny it ever happened.
I guess what I'm saying is, when in doubt, you can't go wrong with a speaker that looks like a rock.