Mammoth (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

OK, boys, watch this!
Mammoth!
Aaah!
Well, you can tell
by the way I use my walk
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk
The music loud and the women warm
I've been kicked around
since I was born
But now it's all right, it's OK
You may look the other way
There you go, Barry.
The usual, please, Clive.
So what are you painting? Well,
just my flat, before I sell it.
You're selling the flat?
Do you ever listen?!
So me and Julie can go travelling,
then buy a place together.
I'm going to ask her to marry me.
Congratulations!
You're a wonderful couple.
Are you mad? What do you want
to get tied down for?
Have another pint, and we'll talk
about it properly. No, I can't
stay long, me and Julie are
cutting down on the drinking.
See what I mean?
Who's the best footballer
in the world? George Best.
Who's the best actor in the world?
Oliver Reed.
Both love a drink.
It's not doing them any harm.
Well, I don't know if
Hang on a second, Roger.
If you've got a few quid,
the brewery is selling this place.
Imagine that, Barry - your own pub!
Better than wasting money
on a house, isn't it?
You'd be a brilliant landlord.
Well, Julie wouldn't like it. Mm.
Plenty more fish in the sea.
Better fish.
More understanding fish.
You could really build
something here, Barry.
A future.
Stayin' ali-i-ive
So I says to him,
"I haven't got any cherries,
"but you can have a double vodka
or you can get out of my pub!"
Your pub, your rules, Barry.
I have to go soon.
I've got yoga at six.
Yoga? You've changed.
I can't sit in a pub all day!
I've got to
look after myself better.
Take a leaf out of Barry's book.
Look at him!
He's older, he hasn't slowed down.
And I never will.
Thanks to you, old mate.
Cheers.
And that is called living your life.
BELL TOLLS
I don't think any of us
could see this coming.
Death is sad.
Very sad - no two ways about it.
And I should know.
I died.
In fact, I was going to
have my service here,
but there were just too
many people, apparently.
Hundreds.
A realoutpouring of grief.
This fella, inconsolable.
Wasn't he, Rog?
Probably felt guilty
that he'd outlived me.
But, in the end, as you
can all see, he didn't.
So in a way, I don't think anybody
would be more happier
here today than Barry.
Ahem.
Now, Barry's sister's
lovely grandchildren wanted to
finish the service by reading a poem
they'd written for Barry.
Butwe haven't got the time.
But it was very good.
Lots of, "We love Uncle Barry,
we miss Uncle Barry."
Usual sort of thing, nothing
particularly ground-breaking.
Right, I think that's everything.
Cheers, Barry.
See you on the other side.
MUSIC: Disco Inferno
by The Trammps
Burn, baby, burn
Burn, baby, burn
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
As I'm sure you're all aware,
the funding cuts mean we'll have to
look at ways to save costs,
and that might mean redundancies
How does a 75-year-old man
go from the prime of his life
one second to dead the next?
Can you please stop doing that?
Barry got a lot of things right,
but for whatever reason,
he was single his whole life.
I don't want that.
I don't want to die alone -
not again.
I've been given a second chance,
Lucy.
I can't waste it.
This is not a work matter.
I want someone
to share my life with.
I want someone to share this with.
Any of your single friends
after a good man?
Most of my single friends
are looking for a good woman.
They haven't met me yet.
Don't make me explain
same-sex relationships to you again.
CAR HORN BEEPS
Mumwhat are you doing here?
Just fancied a chat, really.
Everything OK?
Your driving instructor told me
you'd cancelled your lessons.
Do you want to tell me why?
It's fine if you don't.
No. I respect that.
Tell me.Uh, it's just..
..I don't want to drive any more.
I'm not very good at it,
and it makes me anxious. Ah
I get that, but you can't just
not try cos it's uncomfortable.
I know - I'll teach you.
We'll start now, it'll be fun!
Mum, I really don't want to.
I said it'll be fun.
Come on!
Get in.
So, I've set you up with a profile.
Loads of women on there.
Are they weirdos?
I mean, I don't mind if they are,
but nice to know.
Just read their profiles,
and if you feel a connection
with any of them, swipe right. OK.
PHONE CHIMES
There we go, I swiped right on
all of those.
Oh, classy! A scatter-gun approach.
So do they arrive one at a time or
all together? I'm easy either way.
They don't arrive.
If you get matched,
if they like you too,
then you can arrange to meet up.
Brilliant, I'll leave that with you.
When they all say yes,
get their number,
tell them I'll take them somewhere
nice. And well done.
You'd have made me a bloody good
secretary for me, back in my day.
Well, I'm not - I'm your
bloody good boss, in my day.
I keep forgetting you're my boss.
It is mad, isn't it? See you later.
OK, reversing into a parking bay.
Right, so slowly back, slowly.
Left, left, left
Full lock, full lock!
What does that mean? I don't know,
it's what my instructor always said!
Keep turning, keep turning!
Whoa, whoa, a cyclist!
The one over there?
HE WHISTLES
Nine dates, Rog - nine!
These app things, fair play.
What a time to be alive!
No offence, Barry.
Speaking of which,
any ideas where we can
scatter the ashes?
I was thinking maybe the river.
There's a spot where we went
fishing a couple of times.
It's very peaceful.
He'd hate that. Fishing's stupid.
No, think of somewhere he'd love.
The betting shop? Greggs?
I've got it!
Top of Pen y Fan,
he loved it up there.
Really? It's a long way to go.
And I don't think
I can make it up a mountain.
Course you can!
We'll go this weekend,
scatter his ashes, say a few words.
Come back down,
test out a few new pubs.
Happy with that, Barry?
Barry's happy with that.
Right, I've got to go and have
an intimate dinner
with nine different women.
Just what Barry would have wanted.
See you later.
Straighten up.
Straighten up Straighten up!
OK.
Right. We are never
doing that again.
What was wrong?
Grabbing the wheel,
covering your eyes at roundabouts.
Shouting "Indecision kills"
at junctions.
I just can't, I can't deal with it.
But
No, Mum, you're the worst teacher
I've ever had,
including Grandad,
and he ran me over in a PE lesson,
so I just can't.
Even I couldn't outrun an avalanche,
so there I was,
frozen, under the ice.
But the great director in the sky
wasn't ready to
write me out of the film.
And that's not a line.
We've been here
an hour and a half Mm-hm.
..and you haven't asked anything
about me.
Well, it's just that
life-story-wise,
there's no comparison.
I came back from the dead.
You're such a dick.
Bye.
"Be interested in them."
You think you're not going to become
one of those crazy dog ladies,
and then you find yourself
in the park shouting,
"Good boy! Who's a good boy?
You's a good boy!"
Ho-ho, that is a brilliant story!
I'm so interested in you.
So, are you an animal lover?
Oh, yeah, yeah, I've got
a guinea pig in the form room,
mainly to keep the thick kids happy,
you know?
The thick kids?
Oh, yeah, I love thick kids.
Like I always say,
ignorance can be bliss.
Yeah, no, this isn't going to work.
No? No, I need someone
who shares my ethics. Oh.
You can make your own poppadoms,
of course, quite easy,
but they will make
the kitchen stink.
Oh, that's a lovely name.
That was one of the, er,
Charlie's Angels, yeah.
The dead one.
Please take a seat.
I would get up, but, er,
you know, I'm sat down now.
Yeah, bye, then.
So what do you do for a living,
uh
..Sarah? I run my own bespoke
ethical digital marketing company.
Great! I love ethics.
Really? Mm.
In what way? Generally.
So tell me about yourself -
what sort of woman are you?
Erm
Well, I'm not really into labels.
I don't want to be put in a box.
God, that is so interesting.
Let me just get you a glass of wine.
Oh, I don't drink. Nor do I.
Two pints of squash, please, chief.
I had a great time. So did I.
You are not what
I was expecting at all.
You look like a throwback.
But then inside, there's
thismodern, sensitive man. Yes,
there is. Yes, there is. Yeah.
Well, this is me.
Wow, look at that thing.
I mean, who drives a polluting
old penis extension like that?
We will never know.
I actually walked here today.
Planted a tree on the way,
for the carbon. Hmm.
I had a lovely time.
I'd love to do this again.
Yes, please.
Wonderful.
Take care. Bye!
Ride safely.
Wellhe's back.
It's love, Lucy, true love.
You've been on three dates.
Do you even have anything in common?
She's very modern - she loves
the environment and all that.
Oh, so no, then.
But she doesn't know that, does she?
I'm playing the long game.
Who's that? That is Sarah.
Hey, Sarah, how's it going?
Anthony! You OK?
Sarah, this is Lucy,
my mixed-race lesbian friend.
Anthony's told me all about you,
and what an ally he's been
to you and your partner.
Oh, yeah. Thank God forAnthony.
Well
I've brought you lunch. Oh, lunch!
It's a tenderstem broccoli
poke bowl.
A poke bowl! Mm-hm. God, I've been
craving that all morning.
Mm, you should have a bite now!
I wouldn't want to spoil it.
Mr Mammoth? Yes, Kyle?
My mum saidthanks again
for teaching me
that my behaviour
was toxically masculine.
It's OK. It's fine.
Yeah. Mr Mammoth? Yes, Theo?
Thank you for helping me
navigate being LGBTQ+.
We haven't got time for this, boys!
Let's, uhkick off.
Oh, for God's sake!
I've got a little surprise for you.
Oh!
I've booked us
a weekend away together.
Somewhere romantic, is it?
What is it, Paris, Rome?
Oh
"The Life Glow Wellness Retreat.
"Find your tribe,
reconnect with your spirit."
You're going to love this. That's
right up your street, isn't it?
Yeah, she knows me. We're going
to be glamping - in a yurt!
Ooh! Oh!
Amazing, amazing!
I'd better go. Oh, yeah, well, yeah.
Bye. Bye! Glamping in a yurt, wow
What's glamping on a yurt?
She's offering you sex
in a posh tent. Oh!
Put that in the bin for me.
God, it's heavy, innit? I'm glad
you're carrying it and not me.
Oh, this feels sad.
The Three Amigos
on their last journey.
Two amigos -
this amigo's got plans with Sarah.
What? Yeah. You're not coming? No.
What about Barry?
He's not going to mind, is he?
Anyway, I'm doing this for him.
Spending the weekend with a woman,
putting myself first, for once.
Because he wouldn't want me
to end up all alone, like him.
And you, obviously.
Selfish. Selfish?
I've got to spend the weekend
with a load of hippies.
There's no beer, no telly -
it's the last place I want to be.
How am I supposed to get there?!
Drive your car up there.
Doctor said I shouldn't drive!
He said "shouldn't", not "couldn't".
You'll be fine.
And when you get there,
give him a lovely send-off.
I was thinking maybe
I'd read out a poem or a song.
That's a rubbish idea.
Barry didn't like poems and songs.
He loved TV theme tunes.
Choose one of those. Which one?
I don't know.
I can't do all the lifting, can I?
For God's sake, cheer up, Roger!
Barry wouldn't want you to be down.
Ready for your next lesson?
I can't, I've hurt my arm
..bowling. Theo, if you're
going to lie, make it believable,
I know you're scared of wearing
bowling shoes.Please, Mum,
I just, I don't want to.
I get it.
Last time, I was too full-on,
but I've been reading
a parenting book
Well, an audiobook. Well, actually,
just listening to the free sample.
..and long story short,
I need to nurture, not block.
I want you to grow.
Can I grow
by just using the bus and not
learning to drive with you?
No! Come on.
What the?!
Where's my car?!
Maybe this is fate.
Not unless fate is a selfish pain
in the arse with a big moustache.
Anthony! You came!
Whoa Your clothes.
Don't say it -
I look like Demis Roussos.
Just
SHE GIGGLES
I just thought
I'd connect with nature. Yeah!
So are you going to get changed,
or?
SHE LAUGHS
You're so funny! I know, I know.
Oh, and of course you drive
an electric car. Wow!
Doing my bit for the planet.
Only got the one, haven't we?
SHE GIGGLES
We should go say hi to everyone.
Yeah, we could do that.
Shall we first go to the yurt and
we can do a little bit of glamping?
You! Ah
Our final guest!
Hello. I'm the retreat's
facilitator, Marcus.
Let's all take a moment
before entering to be mindful.
We leave our kleshas outside.
Does that mean take the shoes off?
Oh, kleshas, it's Sanskrit -
it means negativity.
Oh, I knew that, yeah. Yeah. So just
leave your negativities outside.
Oh!
He's in bloody Brecon!
Honestly, Theo, I know you look
up to him and he's your grandad,
but he has overstepped the mark.
Stealing a car is wrong!
We should go and get it back.
How? We don't have a car.
We could take his car
and get mine back.
Driving lesson's back on.
What happened to
"stealing a car is wrong"?
It's a different context.I don't
want to drive to Brecon or anywhere!
Please, Mum! I'll show you
what a good teacher I could be.
It'll be fun!
Like Thelma & Louise.
They drove off a cliff and died.
Yes, but they had fun first.
Let's roll, sister.
That's it!
I thought we'd start with
group yoga,
then a session on breathing.
I think we've all cracked
the old breathing, Marc.
Been doing it for years.
Then a guided walk
to connect with nature,
followed by foraging for dinner.
400 quid, this cost -
not even laying on food!
You're so funny! Ha-ha!
So, get settled on your mats
in your own time.
All right, Marc? Do you want me
to lead this session for you?
I'm a qualified PE teacher.
I think it's best
if I guide the meditation.
Oh, suit yourself.
So as soon as feels comfortable
..close your eyes.
Close your eyes.
Eyes closed, please.
Take a deep breath in
..and release it out.
TONY MOANS
Feel the relaxation
in your shoulders.
The deltoids.
Delts.
I want you to breathe
into your arms.
You can't actually breathe
into your arms, obviously.
What I think Marc is trying to say
is relax.
Maybe we should try and make this
a silent meditation.
So, quiet, please.
Everyone, pipe down.
Absolute silence, please.
The only voices in the room
should be me and Marc.
Sh
Sh
The rainbow, to me, symbolises
peace, but also, kind of hope.
Great journalling, Clara. Love it.
So, Tony,
what have you journaled
for your perfect future?
Is that a robot? That's Twiki 3000.
It's a robot from the future
that can do anything.
Is that a boxer next to him?
That's George Foreman.
Twiki 3000 arranged a fight
between the two of us
to decide the undisputed
heavyweight champion of the world,
and I won - on points.
And isis that a car?
It's a hover car.
Twiki 3000 made it
to take us all to
Studio 54 nightclub in New York,
so I could spend the night with
Charlie's Angels
..but I didn't have time
to draw them.
Thank you, Tony.
Shall we move on to foraging?
So, I managed to find
some beech nuts,
oh, and some bullace - it's a
wild plum, good for a crumble
Oof! Oh, the hunter returns.
I am starving! Let's get cooking.
What's all this?
It's the food for our vegan dinner.
Vegan? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Remind me again
what animals vegans can eat.
None, obviously.
That's what I thought, yeah.
All right, back in a bit,
I'll just, er
Hi! Where have you been?
Oh, I've been down in the woods,
just foraging for vegan things.
Uh-huh.
Oh
Oh, Anthony, look
Oh, my God!
Oh, no! Oh, quickly,
you have to do something. Oh!
Go on, quick!
Oh, no
Oh!
Don't leave us!
Hop away from the light!
Oh, no, he's gone.
He's gone.
We've lost him!
Or her, it's hard to tell
with a rabbit.
Part of the circle of life.
Sometimes, nature can be so cruel.
We'll never know what happened
to our furry little friend.
I do - you killed it!
I didn't kill it, no, it was
I had to put it out of its misery
cos it was in such pain.
Because some bastard
had thrown a rock at him!
Someone in this group!What?
Maybe you, Marc.
Don't do that.
Bye!
Sohere we are, old friend.
The old legs aren't what they were,
so we're not quite at the top.
We thought we'd send you off
with one of your favourite pieces.
Blankety Blank
Blankety Blank
Blankety Blank
Blankety Blank
Blankety Blank
Blankety Blank
Blankety Blank.
I thought I knew you!
Sarah, you do.
I did all this for you.
Battering a rabbit to death?
I mean, yeah, if you put it
like that, it does sound bad.
You've been lying this whole time,
pretending to be someone else.
Who are you?!
I'm Tony Mammoth.
A man of action.
A man in love.
So will you give me
one more chance?
No!
Good, because I'm a lone wolf,
and I will not settle down with you.
I really don't want that. I haven't
finished. I'm also a free bird
and I cannot be caged.
It wouldn't have worked out.
I can see that now, you're awful.
All right,
you haven't got to be personal.
I'm off, anyway!
Have a nice weekend, dickheads!
CAR CHIMES
Oh, for f
Marc?
Marco! Marc
Sorry about calling you a dickhead
and that, just
Right?
Anyway, now we're mates again,
can you make a quick phone call
for me?
I'm going to be snookering
you, snookering you tonight
Snookering you, snookering
you tonight.
Big Break!
PHONE RINGS
Hello? Rog, it's me,
listen, change of plan.
You've got to come and pick me up
from the Life Glow Wellness Retreat
near Brecon. It is a right dump.
I'm about to scatter Barry's ashes.
Well, don't, we'll do that together
back at the pub.
Much more fitting.
You said he wanted to be scattered
on Pen y Fan.
Never mind who said what and where.
The pub was Barry's home -
it's where he'd want to be at rest.
In fact, remember, that's what he
definitely said he wanted. What?
When? We haven't got time for this,
just get down here
as quick as you can.
I can't believe I did it!
You were great.
What a lovely surprise!
How did you know I was here?
From the GPS tracker in my car,
which you stole! All right, calm
down! I couldn't drive my own car,
I was trying to impress Sarah.
What's the big deal?
Well, it's selfish,
inconsiderate and illegal!
Help me out, Rog. No!
I almost died of hypothermia
because of you.
Climbing up a mountain for nothing,
then driving back
to give you a lift.
It's not my fault the car's flat!
The car's flat?!
Oh, well, that's brilliant,
well done!
Right! You know what?
I'm not putting up with this!
I've spent one day - one! - trying
to put myself first for a change
for my old dead mate,
and if this is the thanks
I getI'm off!
Give me Barry, please, Roger.
Come on, Barry,
just me and you, mate.
Just like the old days,
more or less.
Let's hit the road,
see where it takes us.
Adios, backstabbers!
ENGINE FAILS TO STAR
Fuck!
Hey-hey!
What are we all arguing for?
Let's all go back together
with Roger,
go home and give Barry
the send-off he deserves.
Your old dad will sort the cars
out. I don't want you
to sort anything out.
I'm too tired to drive!
I'm broken.
You broke me.I mean,
I could always drive us all back?
Oh, it's a bit snug.
Ow! Can you move your seat forward?!
That's as far as it goes, sorry.
Right, Theo, let's get out of here.
Go and give Barry
a proper sending-off.
Where is the urn?
Oh, bollocks!
I do remember him saying
he wanted to get scattered
in a car park just off the A470.
Put your foot down, Theo.
I'll put some sounds on.
And all the girls dreamed that
They'd be your partner
They'd be your partner and
You're so vain
You probably think
this song is about you
You're so vain
You're so vain
I'll bet you think
this song is about you
Don't you, don't you, don't you?