Man with a Plan (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

1 (grunts) Um, it's 2:00 A.
M.
What's with all the balloons? You having some clowns over? No, it's for another dumb school thing in Emme's kindergarten class.
Mrs.
Rodriguez wants a hundred balloons blown up.
I've already blacked out three times.
Well, um why don't you just use the balloon pump? Because I didn't know what that was.
I thought it was a lady thing.
Right.
'Cause I keep all my lady things in the kids' cubbies.
What function did you think this would perform exactly? (chuckles) Yeah, I don't think you want me to answer that.
Yeah.
You're probably right.
You know, when Rodriguez roped me into being room parent, she never told me how much work it would be.
They celebrate everything.
Well, Adam, - m-most people like parties.
- Yeah.
But it's never-ending.
I've organized '80s Day, '90s Day, and you remember Future Day.
I had to wear a tinfoil suit.
I'm sorry, honey, but look on the bright side.
Now that I'm working, I don't have to do it anymore.
I lost my sense of humor 30 balloons ago.
(balloon sputters) Look, honey.
I-I know it's a lot, but you know, I would be freaking out at work all the time if you weren't doing such a good job as captain of the parenting ship.
I'm the captain? Yes.
You're the captain.
From 7:45 to 5:15, - and then, when I get home - We're co-captains.
Okay, sure.
ADAM: Okay, Emme.
You did such a good job helping, I'm gonna sneak a couple extra cookies in your cubby.
- Thanks, Daddy.
- Aww.
(chuckles) Hey, it pays to know the right guy, huh? (both laugh) Hmm.
Hi, sweetheart.
You can catch up with the other kids on the playground.
Oh.
Not bad.
Look who finally got it together.
That's the kind of praise that makes it all worthwhile.
(chuckles) Okay, I'm out of here.
Oh, Mr.
Burns, one more thing.
Teacher Appreciation Day is coming up, - so there's gonna be a party.
- (chuckles) Of course there is.
So, we're gonna need food, decorations and games.
This isn't a school, it's a Chuck E.
Cheese.
Oh, but the most important thing is the Teacher Appreciation gift, which each room parent organizes.
This year, I'd like you to make me puppets.
Kids like puppets.
No, they don't.
They haven't liked puppets since anything else was invented.
Mr.
Burns, why do you have to be so difficult? No other room parent has ever caused me this much trouble.
Well it just seems like you're crossing a line.
You know, you're taking advantage of me because my daughter's in your class, and you know I like her.
I'm only being hard on you because I know you're capable of better work.
So, dig deep, and make me puppets.
You know what? No.
But they're for Teacher Appreciation Day.
I got to be honest.
I don't appreciate you.
When Teacher Resentment Day comes along, I'm your man.
Plus, I don't have time to make puppets.
(scoffs) Mr.
Burns, being a room parent is a full-time job.
No.
No, my full-time job is my full-time job.
I have three construction projects going on right now.
Okay.
Why don't you take all this negative energy, and put it into making puppets.
I got a better idea.
I quit.
Uh no.
You can't quit.
As long as Emme's in my class, you're the room parent.
And if you don't like it, you can transfer her to the other class.
Hold on a second.
That's an option? - Well, technically, yes.
- I could just put her in the other class? (gasps) They already have a room parent.
Okay.
- Trust me, you don't want to do that.
- Oh, I think I do.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
- See, this is one of the issues.
No, it's not.
All right, I've had enough.
I'm transferring Emme out of this class.
Fine.
Here's the transfer form.
- (laughs) Now, we have a reason to party.
- Hmm.
No, we don't.
Yes, we do.
So long, suckers.
I'm transferring Emme out of Mrs.
Rodriguez's class.
So, who's gonna be our room parent? I can't do it.
I got to go home and sit around.
But you can't just leave me.
You're my mentor.
People our age don't have mentors, Lowell, they've already mented.
Not me.
After years of being a stay-at-home dad to two girls, you're showing me how to be a man again.
Thanks to you, I started watching the sports report.
“Boom,” says that one guy.
Great job.
I'm proud of you.
Now all we got to do is get that jazzercise sticker off your car.
(laughs) Over my dead body.
Hold on.
So, you just transferred Emme into another class, without asking Andi? I don't need to ask her permission.
(laughs): Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Little brother.
Do you know what you are? Adorable.
Let me tell you a little something about how things work in my house, okay? I steer the parenting boat.
You know what Andi told me last night? I'm the captain.
Oh, you are, huh? - That's right.
- Uh-huh.
You know how you give a little kid a fake steering wheel in the backseat so they can pretend they're driving? Might even have a little horn.
That's the kind of captain you are.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Oh.
Okay, how about this? Call Andi.
Let's see if I'm right.
Loser has to - eat a ghost pepper.
- Ooh.
That's right.
The world's hottest pepper.
- Put your mouth where your mouth is.
- Fine.
But you're gonna be eating that pepper, (laughs) and if I know you, you'll forget and rub your eye.
And if I know me, I'll be laughing at you.
(scoffs) (line ringing) Hey, honey.
What's up? Hey.
I got a great idea.
You know how Rodriguez has been on me? Well, I'm thinking I'm gonna transfer Emme to the other class.
How about that? Andi? Do I hear you smiling? No, I'm not smiling.
That's a terrible idea! Look, there's only one good teacher in every grade.
Okay? Y-You have no idea how much I had to kiss Mrs.
Rodriguez's butt to get Emme in that class.
So, for you to even think about transferring her because you have to work too hard, makes me so mad, that I'm yelling.
I'm yelling now, and everybody here's looking at me.
What? This isn't a show, Markowitz.
Good.
Yeah.
Take it out on Markowitz.
Bye, honey.
Love you.
Hello, ghost pepper store? I'd like to place an order.
Look, Mrs.
Rodriguez, I would really appreciate it if you would let Emme back in your class.
Why would I do that? Well what better way to celebrate the birthday of this fine school than with the gift of forgetting what I said this morning? Or you could apologize for everything you said this morning.
Okay.
Uh apparently, you think that I No.
If I said something No.
If you weren't so No! Fine.
I'm sorry.
Now we're making progress.
Emme can come back to my class.
Oh! Great.
Thank you.
Big win for the captain.
(laughs) Oh, this is gonna mean a lot to Andi.
She's always saying how you're the best teacher in the whole school.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
She told me that to get Emme in this class, she spent years kissing your butt.
(chuckles) What was that? Uh that was a compliment.
- No, it wasn't.
- Oh, sure.
Sure it was.
Yeah, you know how people are always joking around and saying crazy stuff? (laughing): Like, “Hey, Bob.
” “Kiss my butt, Jim.
” And then they're laughing, 'cause they're buddies.
You know, j-just like us.
- Oh, so we're buddies now? - Definitely.
- Really? - Yeah.
What's my first name? Uh That's what I thought.
I think Emme would be better off staying in the other class.
What? (groans) Oh, come on! It's not like you know my first name.
Adam.
Oh.
Well, yeah.
Anyone could guess that.
It's like the first name ever.
What's with the flowers? Is it the day after Mom's birthday again? No.
Wait No.
No.
Don't scare me like that! Oh! I think I hear Mom's car.
Okay, guys, go play outside, and enjoy your childhood, - (door opens) - 'cause it only gets more complicated.
Hey.
There's my beautiful wife.
Flowers? What for? Do I need a reason to buy you flowers? Historically, yes.
Okay, fine.
I know this is gonna make you mad, but I transferred Emme out of Mrs.
Rodriguez's class but look at the pretty flowers! What? I can't believe you did that, after we talked this morning! Well, not sure this is gonna help me, but I did it before we talked.
Ooh! Ah! (smells) Oh Huh? All right, look.
Mrs.
Rodriguez is impossible! It's too much work! Oh, so you did this for your own selfish reasons.
Well, a lot of great stuff was done for selfish reasons.
(snaps fingers) The guy who invented fire.
Probably freezing his ass off.
Oh, my God.
Well, and, and it's good for Emme, too.
Her best friend is in the other class.
Yeah, and you know why the school separated them? Because they talk too much.
No fair, that is new information.
Well, everything's new information when you don't know anything.
You know, maybe instead of just criticizing me, you could try seeing my side of it.
Yeah, but your side of it is so wrong.
You know what? I'll go down there, I'll talk to her.
She likes me.
Yeah, about that.
Oh, good, it gets worse.
Well, just a little, and then we're all caught up.
So, when I went back to apologize, like I knew you would've wanted me to, I complimented her, and she got all mad.
How did you compliment her? Is that really important? I told her that you kissed her butt to get Emme into her class, and, for some reason, she took offense.
Oh.
Pfft.
Yeah, so what happened next? Did you punch her in the throat? I just how could you say that to Alicia? Alicia! That's her name.
(sighs) Look, you know, anyway, I should be allowed to make these kind of decisions.
After all, I am the captain.
Yeah, I only told you that so you'd finish blowing up the balloons.
Hold on a second.
Are you saying that I'm not the captain? Well, you're the captain of balloons.
Look, here's what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna go down there tomorrow with you and a box of chocolates, and I'm gonna kiss her butt some more, and I'm gonna fix this.
I don't need you cleaning up my messes, okay? I can handle this.
Adam, listen to me, I am the captain now.
Okay, I don't know if this is what you were going for, but I am really turned on right now.
Look, you know what Adam's like.
He-he just says stuff, he doesn't think.
I really don't.
But to imply that currying favor has any impact on how I run my classroom is insulting.
Look, I'm well aware that parents give me presents just because they want something from me.
Ugh.
Yeah, those parents are the worst.
- Although the presents are nice.
- Oh, yeah, I mean, who doesn't like a little treat now and again? - But it doesn't change anything.
- No, of course not, you're above all that.
Just give me the chocolates.
There's a little chart in there so you don't get surprised by anything.
You wouldn't want to bite into one of those cherry squirty ones when you're wearing a white blouse.
(chuckles) Look, we didn't mean to insult you.
You know, it's just how we show appreciation.
I mean, we kiss butt because we love.
Yeah.
Let's be honest, butt kissing makes the world go round.
Everybody does it.
I kiss my clients' butts.
My crew kisses my butt.
Yeah, I mean, “World's Greatest Teacher”" You didn't buy that for yourself, right? Good point, honey.
See, I just kissed my wife's butt, she's not mad.
No, I rather enjoyed it, yeah.
Now, he's a very good butt kisser.
Aw.
Uh, no, he's not, he's terrible.
He quit because of Teacher Appreciation Day.
That's the Super Bowl of butt kissing.
Look, there are plenty of ways to get on my good side, if you cared enough to try.
Oh, whoa, hold on, that's unfair.
No, I think I'm being perfectly fair.
He's been working like a dog for you.
Stay on track.
I mean, he's up in the middle of the night, he's here every day He complains all the time about every little thing I ask him to do.
Okay, all right, why is everybody standing up? (chuckles) Yeah, well, I'm not gonna let you talk about my husband that way.
- If anything, I'm being easy on him.
- No, you're not.
You're asking him to do too much.
Well, maybe it seems like a lot because I have to ask him to do everything three times.
- Which is fine.
- It's not fine.
He does the bare minimum at best.
I ask him to make puppets, all I got was attitude.
I don't see any commitment.
You know what? I don't think anybody could live up to your standards.
- 'Cause you know what? You're - Easy.
- You're - Careful.
You're high maintenance.
Better than I thought it would be.
How's it going? Are they getting Emme back in the class? I don't know, you keep talking.
Uh-oh, angry footsteps.
Angry footsteps.
So, Adam, you back? What happened? Lady fight, big step backwards.
And that's why you never do stuff without asking your wife.
I once made a decision without consulting my wife.
But then we got married anyway.
- Hi, Andi.
- Hey, Don.
Hey, honey.
How was the rest of your day? You feeling better? No, I mean, because I lost my temper, Emme's stuck in the crummy kindergarten class.
I really don't think it's that big of a deal.
Or it could be the difference between her being a Supreme Court justice, or a cocktail waitress at an Indian casino.
Hey, either way, she's wearing a silly outfit.
Well, I guess the good news is that you're not room parent anymore, so that's a win.
Hey, you won.
Savor this.
I didn't win.
Didn't you hear her tone? It's not how you say it, it's what you say.
Like, “Shania Twain wants to take a bath with you.
” Sing it, scream it, cry it, either way I'm clean and happy.
Why the bath? You know what? I don't care.
I started this whole thing.
I got to find a way to win Rodriguez over.
What would a captain do? Which reminds me I got you something that I think might help.
Here you go, Captain.
Yeah, yeah, I deserve that.
Happy sailing! And just remember even if you get through the Straits of Forgiveness, some day, there's a torpedo heading your way from the S.
S.
Menopause.
I'm gonna need a bigger boat.
I think if you just give Adam another chance, he won't disappoint you.
He's already done a lot personally for me.
He's like he's like my Phil Jackson.
Sports reference.
What's up? And I think the whole class will miss him.
Well, my decision hasn't changed since you asked me through the bathroom door.
What are you doing here? I bet I know exactly what he's doing here.
(Mrs.
Rodriguez gasps) A puppet theater.
Oh, I was way off.
Oh, my God, it's beautiful.
No other room parent has ever done anything like this.
Did you build this? Yup.
Happy Teacher Appreciation Day.
I hope you'll consider letting Emme back into your class, and, as you're making your decision, I'll ask you to press the button on that little remote.
(gasps) (loud gasping) Not just the bare minimum, right? Oh, wait a minute.
Is this just a sophisticated way of kissing my butt? - Well, I wouldn't call it that.
- 'Cause it's working.
Oh.
So, can Emme come back to your class? - Well, of course she can.
- (sighs) And I haven't been able to find a replacement so, maybe you could, you know (laughs) Just Come back as room parent.
It's happening.
Okay, okay.
- But I have a few conditions.
- No.
- Well, just hear me out.
- No.
- If we could just - No! - Okay.
Deal.
- Good! - (laughs) - (sighs) Are we just gonna stand here, or are we gonna hug? BOTH: We're just gonna stand here.
Yeah.
Nice job on the puppet theater, babe.
I bet you knocked her socks off.
Yeah.
I just feel bad for the kids.
They have to sit through a puppet show now.
I mean, you crashed our ship into an iceberg, and then I panicked and start throwing passengers overboard, but you just hopped into your little tugboat and you got us back on course.
Toot, toot! You don't have to talk to me like I'm a child.
- I did do that, though.
- Yeah, you did.
You know, it doesn't surprise me, the fires you start, but it always surprises me how you put 'em out.
Hey, it's my job to do the best I can for our family.
Huh? That way, if the kids turn out bad, they can't blame it on us.
I know this isn't what you're going for, but I am really turned on right now.
Baby, that's always what I'm going for.
The time has come.
Bon appétit, señor.
You know, I wasn't gonna make you really eat the ghost pepper if you lost.
- Yes, you were.
- I know.
Uh-huh.
- How hot is this thing? - It's pretty hot.
They made me sign some papers and watch a video before they let me take it.
Okay, would you be willing to exchange it for a spider? I'll munch a spider right now.
I've already seen that.
Okay, fine.
(sighs) Oh, you got a little something on your eye there.
- What? - Yeah, right yeah, right there, yeah.
Aah! Okay.
I knew you were gonna do that! But then I forgot.
Oh, God.
Aah.