Mandy (2019) s01e03 Episode Script
Russian
1
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came and you gave
without taking
But I sent you away Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
Hiya.
Is it Sergei?
RUSSIAN ACCENT: Yes. You do Airbnb?
Come in.
Never done it before.
A bit strapped for cash.
This is the living room.
Is that a blow-up chair? Yeah.
It deflates after a couple of hours,
but
AIR ESCAPING FROM CHAIR
It's a bit of fun, isn't it? Yes.
Show you the lav.
This is the lav.
This will be your room.
It does not look like photo
on Airbnb.
I put a filter on it.
Never mind, I will take room.
It is very convenient.
Right. Do you want me
to get your bags?
No!
Do not touch bags.
In fact, better you do not touch
any of my things while I'm here.
Suit yourself.
So, are you here
on your holidays, then?
Er, yes. Holidays.
I could show you around,
if you like.
Whereabouts did you want to go?
Salisbury.
Did you know clock tower
is over 200 years old?
No, I didn't know that, no.
I would also like to visit GCHQ.
Ooh!
Never been to GCHQ.
I've heard it's lovely.
Can I come with you?
I've got a two-for-one railcard.
UPTEMPO MUSIC
RADIO: Police are investigating
a series of suspicious deaths
in London yesterday with bodies
TURNS OFF
Sergei.
Sergei?
I've got something
I'd like to say to you.
Yes, please. There is something
I'd like to say to you also.
You go first. No, you go first!
After three,
we'll both say it together.
One, two, three.
I think I'm in love with you.
I wish to marry you.
Oh, Sergei!
Let's not rush into things.
Let's just get to know each other
first. Yes, please.
I long to know everything about you
and your decadent culture.
Well, my favourite programme's
Bargain Hunters.
I do not know this programme.
You don't know Bargain Hunters?!
It's only what Raiders Of The
Lost Ark could've been.
Well, tell me about you, Sergei.
What you like, what you dislike.
I like strong leaders
and the resurgence of Russia
on the world stage.
I dislike liberalism, R&B and eggs.
Eggs?
Well, these were a waste of time.
Oh, Mandy. I love you. Marry me.
Oh, Sergei!
I like you. You're dead fit
and you've got a lovely tracksuit,
but it will never work out.
We're from different worlds,
you and I.
Please, Mandy. I love you.
I know you so well.
I know your favourite programme
is Bargain Hunters.
Your favourite cigarette, Silk Cut.
Your favourite fingernail color,
minty pig.
You believe in UFOs,
and one day you aspire
to breed Doberman Pinschers.
Oh, Sergei,
you do know the real me!
Oh! I've had a lovely time
these last few days.
Go on. I will. I will marry you.
Say something in your own language.
I won't understand, but I'd just
like to hear it.
IN RUSSIAN:
Such a beautiful language.
Are you sure you're doing the right
thing, marrying this man?
You've only just met him!
I'm telling you, Lola,
he's the one for me.
He knows me so well. It's like he's
read a file on me or something!
Look at that dress. It's perfect.
It's beautiful.
But a dress like this will cost
hundreds of pounds.
Can you lend me the money?
I'll give it you back.
I'll just leave the tag in
and take it back after the wedding.
It's beautiful!
You look like the
Duchess of Fergie, in her prime.
I want the wedding to be artistic
but accessible.
You know,
like a Cadbury's Flake advert.
I didn't know you had a tattoo.
Oh, yeah.
That's Shaun Ryder
from Happy Mondays.
Yeah, it is.
It says, "I am married to
Shaun Ryder."
Yeah, I am.
A tattoo that says,
"I am married to Shaun Ryder"
could be a problem
when you marry Sergei.
This is my big special day, Lola.
I want this dress!
Why did you never tell me
you were married to Shaun Ryder?
It were 1998.
MUSIC: Step On by Happy Mondays
You're twisting my melon, man ♪
Chinese Airlines flight 676
had crashed,
killing all 342 people on board.
Pete Sampras had just won
the tennis.
COMMENTATOR: Pete's done it! Pete
Sampras has done it. He's won the tennis.
And Black Grape
were just coming to an end.
There were three of us in this
marriage, so it were a bit crowded.
So, one night, I snuck into his
hotel room, found him in bed.
Threw back the sheets.
I knew Bez had been there.
I'd simply had enough.
He loved that man more than
he loved me, so I walked away.
But he never got over me.
How could he, once he'd had
a slice of this cake?
Anyway, I can't afford this laser
tattoo removal.
Oh, your story has touched my heart.
I will do it for you.
Oh, will you, Lola?
That's so kind of you. For £30.
I don't have one of these
laser tings, unfortunately.
It's OK, I will use this instead.
Will it hurt? I don't think so.
But you may need
to bite down on this.
Are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready.
May the Lord guide my hand.
MUFFLED SCREAMING
Jesus Christ!
INDISTINC
What did you say, darling?
INDISTINC
I said it smells like pork.
Thanks again, Lola.
How does it look?
I'll get you some Germolene.
MUSIC: Suddenly
by Angry Anderson
I only dreamed that I would find
A loving heart, an open mind
To see the real me
And I hoped that you would be
the one
A chance to talk, a chance to grow
I'll take the risk,
let my feelings flow
I've found the words
I need to say ♪
If any person present knows
any lawful impediment
to this marriage,
he or she should declare it now.
Stop!
In the name of the Father and
the Holy Ghost, stop the wedding!
Oh, fuckin' hell, Shaun.
Who is this man?
Shaun Ryder from Happy Mondays
and Celebrity Gogglebox.
We're still married! Prove it.
You want proof? Here's proof.
Show 'em your back, Mandy,
the matching tattoo you had
done of me. Show 'em.
GASPING
Oh, God!
Can we please get on with wedding?
If any person present
DOOR OPENS
Armed police! Armed police!
Sergei Molotov, get down!
Get down on the ground!
Drop it, or I'll shoot!
Ha! You won't shoot me.
You English with your rules,
with your Oxford-Cambridge,
and your boat race,
and your PG Tips
and your Fry and Laurie.
I'm Shaun Ryder.
So long as there's breath in my
body, evil will not prevail.
Let's wrap this up.
I have a civil partnership at 4:45.
Civil partnership?!
Oh, how liberal!
I've got a clear shot.
I'm taking the shot.
INAUDIBLE
Oh, my God, this is terrible!
I'm never going to get my money
back on the dress now.
For God's sake, call an ambulance!
And the dry cleaners!
Your back scab was thick enough
to stop the bullet?
It's my lucky back scab, Lola.
I'm going to keep it forever
and use it as an ashtray.
I cannot believe Sergei
was working for Putin.
Well, in hindsight,
he was a bit shifty.
Then why did you take a bullet
for him?
What can I say?
I love a bastard.
RUSSIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came and you gave
without taking
But I sent you away Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
Hiya.
Is it Sergei?
RUSSIAN ACCENT: Yes. You do Airbnb?
Come in.
Never done it before.
A bit strapped for cash.
This is the living room.
Is that a blow-up chair? Yeah.
It deflates after a couple of hours,
but
AIR ESCAPING FROM CHAIR
It's a bit of fun, isn't it? Yes.
Show you the lav.
This is the lav.
This will be your room.
It does not look like photo
on Airbnb.
I put a filter on it.
Never mind, I will take room.
It is very convenient.
Right. Do you want me
to get your bags?
No!
Do not touch bags.
In fact, better you do not touch
any of my things while I'm here.
Suit yourself.
So, are you here
on your holidays, then?
Er, yes. Holidays.
I could show you around,
if you like.
Whereabouts did you want to go?
Salisbury.
Did you know clock tower
is over 200 years old?
No, I didn't know that, no.
I would also like to visit GCHQ.
Ooh!
Never been to GCHQ.
I've heard it's lovely.
Can I come with you?
I've got a two-for-one railcard.
UPTEMPO MUSIC
RADIO: Police are investigating
a series of suspicious deaths
in London yesterday with bodies
TURNS OFF
Sergei.
Sergei?
I've got something
I'd like to say to you.
Yes, please. There is something
I'd like to say to you also.
You go first. No, you go first!
After three,
we'll both say it together.
One, two, three.
I think I'm in love with you.
I wish to marry you.
Oh, Sergei!
Let's not rush into things.
Let's just get to know each other
first. Yes, please.
I long to know everything about you
and your decadent culture.
Well, my favourite programme's
Bargain Hunters.
I do not know this programme.
You don't know Bargain Hunters?!
It's only what Raiders Of The
Lost Ark could've been.
Well, tell me about you, Sergei.
What you like, what you dislike.
I like strong leaders
and the resurgence of Russia
on the world stage.
I dislike liberalism, R&B and eggs.
Eggs?
Well, these were a waste of time.
Oh, Mandy. I love you. Marry me.
Oh, Sergei!
I like you. You're dead fit
and you've got a lovely tracksuit,
but it will never work out.
We're from different worlds,
you and I.
Please, Mandy. I love you.
I know you so well.
I know your favourite programme
is Bargain Hunters.
Your favourite cigarette, Silk Cut.
Your favourite fingernail color,
minty pig.
You believe in UFOs,
and one day you aspire
to breed Doberman Pinschers.
Oh, Sergei,
you do know the real me!
Oh! I've had a lovely time
these last few days.
Go on. I will. I will marry you.
Say something in your own language.
I won't understand, but I'd just
like to hear it.
IN RUSSIAN:
Such a beautiful language.
Are you sure you're doing the right
thing, marrying this man?
You've only just met him!
I'm telling you, Lola,
he's the one for me.
He knows me so well. It's like he's
read a file on me or something!
Look at that dress. It's perfect.
It's beautiful.
But a dress like this will cost
hundreds of pounds.
Can you lend me the money?
I'll give it you back.
I'll just leave the tag in
and take it back after the wedding.
It's beautiful!
You look like the
Duchess of Fergie, in her prime.
I want the wedding to be artistic
but accessible.
You know,
like a Cadbury's Flake advert.
I didn't know you had a tattoo.
Oh, yeah.
That's Shaun Ryder
from Happy Mondays.
Yeah, it is.
It says, "I am married to
Shaun Ryder."
Yeah, I am.
A tattoo that says,
"I am married to Shaun Ryder"
could be a problem
when you marry Sergei.
This is my big special day, Lola.
I want this dress!
Why did you never tell me
you were married to Shaun Ryder?
It were 1998.
MUSIC: Step On by Happy Mondays
You're twisting my melon, man ♪
Chinese Airlines flight 676
had crashed,
killing all 342 people on board.
Pete Sampras had just won
the tennis.
COMMENTATOR: Pete's done it! Pete
Sampras has done it. He's won the tennis.
And Black Grape
were just coming to an end.
There were three of us in this
marriage, so it were a bit crowded.
So, one night, I snuck into his
hotel room, found him in bed.
Threw back the sheets.
I knew Bez had been there.
I'd simply had enough.
He loved that man more than
he loved me, so I walked away.
But he never got over me.
How could he, once he'd had
a slice of this cake?
Anyway, I can't afford this laser
tattoo removal.
Oh, your story has touched my heart.
I will do it for you.
Oh, will you, Lola?
That's so kind of you. For £30.
I don't have one of these
laser tings, unfortunately.
It's OK, I will use this instead.
Will it hurt? I don't think so.
But you may need
to bite down on this.
Are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready.
May the Lord guide my hand.
MUFFLED SCREAMING
Jesus Christ!
INDISTINC
What did you say, darling?
INDISTINC
I said it smells like pork.
Thanks again, Lola.
How does it look?
I'll get you some Germolene.
MUSIC: Suddenly
by Angry Anderson
I only dreamed that I would find
A loving heart, an open mind
To see the real me
And I hoped that you would be
the one
A chance to talk, a chance to grow
I'll take the risk,
let my feelings flow
I've found the words
I need to say ♪
If any person present knows
any lawful impediment
to this marriage,
he or she should declare it now.
Stop!
In the name of the Father and
the Holy Ghost, stop the wedding!
Oh, fuckin' hell, Shaun.
Who is this man?
Shaun Ryder from Happy Mondays
and Celebrity Gogglebox.
We're still married! Prove it.
You want proof? Here's proof.
Show 'em your back, Mandy,
the matching tattoo you had
done of me. Show 'em.
GASPING
Oh, God!
Can we please get on with wedding?
If any person present
DOOR OPENS
Armed police! Armed police!
Sergei Molotov, get down!
Get down on the ground!
Drop it, or I'll shoot!
Ha! You won't shoot me.
You English with your rules,
with your Oxford-Cambridge,
and your boat race,
and your PG Tips
and your Fry and Laurie.
I'm Shaun Ryder.
So long as there's breath in my
body, evil will not prevail.
Let's wrap this up.
I have a civil partnership at 4:45.
Civil partnership?!
Oh, how liberal!
I've got a clear shot.
I'm taking the shot.
INAUDIBLE
Oh, my God, this is terrible!
I'm never going to get my money
back on the dress now.
For God's sake, call an ambulance!
And the dry cleaners!
Your back scab was thick enough
to stop the bullet?
It's my lucky back scab, Lola.
I'm going to keep it forever
and use it as an ashtray.
I cannot believe Sergei
was working for Putin.
Well, in hindsight,
he was a bit shifty.
Then why did you take a bullet
for him?
What can I say?
I love a bastard.
RUSSIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS