Mapleworth Murders (2020) s01e03 Episode Script
A Murderer's Beef – Part 3
- [GUN COCKS]
- Watch out, Aunt Abigail!
You really shouldn't just wander
into someone's backyard
while they're pumpkin shooting.
America's so weird.
I'm sorry to intrude, Mrs. Canelli.
It's ex-Mrs. Canelli.
My maiden name is Twat.
Do you mind if I ask a few questions,
ex-Mrs. Twat-Canelli?
I guess so. Shoot.
[GUNSHOT]
Is it safe to assume that you and
Mr. Canelli didn't get along?
We used to. When we first met,
our love was like an inferno.
We would hump each other three,
four, five times a night,
and never in the same room.
TMI.
Too much intercourse.
But then I found out he
had a gambling problem
and was stealing money from me.
And how much money did
your husband take?
He blew my life savings.
Eighteen hundred dollars.
As in one thousand eight hundred?
That's a pretty shitty amount
of money to kill someone for.
I was never much of a saver.
I'm addicted to QVC and
buying men drinks
that I met through QVC.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
I like to shop online too.
I'm obsessed with vintage fanny packs.
But sometimes, we buy things
to fill a hole in our lives.
I hated him with every bone
in my body, except my vagina.
- My vagina bone loved him.
- Mmm.
And now my sweet Benji is dead.
So many mixed feelings about
that horrible and adorable prick.
I thank you for your time, Mrs. Twat.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
HEIDI: It's so sad,
Ben Jr. losing his dad
on the day of the grand
opening of their store.
Yes, the burden of their
burgeoning butcher business
now belongs to Ben Jr.
HEIDI: Hold on.
Aunt Abigail, look at this.
Good gravy!
When you reverse-pinched it,
it made the picture bigger.
No.
What's in the picture?
Heidi, thanks to you, I think
I know who the murderer is.
I'm off to Canelli's.
You go get the police.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Aha.
The paint is still wet.
Sorry, we're closed for the night.
I really love the way
you display all your jars.
It's very artful.
Did you take art in school?
Because you're a very
talented sign painter too.
I don't know what you mean.
The "and son."
It was a very interesting
and telling addition.
Clearly, it was painted
after your father's death.
No, it wasn't.
All you ever wanted was for
your father to appreciate you.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
I could never do anything
right in his eyes.
Why couldn't he just put
"and son" on the sign?
I'm listening. Let it out.
I accidentally dropped the large
pork butt on my dad's foot,
and he called me a waste of sperm.
I snapped.
Oh, my God.
I killed my dad.
[BEN JR. SOBBING]
Child, come here.
Come here.
Everything is going to be all right.
[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]
BEN JR.: I'm really sorry,
Mrs. Mapleworth.
You're, like, the only person
who was ever nice to me,
but I am gonna have to kill you.
I can't go to prison.
I'm way too pretty.
You think so?
I'll be right back to cut you up.
Think, Abigail.
How would you write
yourself out of this one?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Mrs. Mapleworth hangs
from the meat hook,
waiting for the killer to return.
She is reminded of a recent
zip-lining adventure to Costa Rica
with her female travel companion,
with whom she shared expenses.
Zipline!
No!
I like my faces tenderized.
[ABIGAIL GRUNTING]
Whatever you're doing isn't working.
It's called zip line!
[GRUNTS]
[GROANING]
- Whew.
- Are you okay?
[ABIGAIL GASPS]
[HEIDI YELLS]
I am now. Oh, nice kick, Heidi.
Oh, I'm not done.
Now I'm done.
- Oh, Abigail, oh!
- Thank God.
- Here.
- ABIGAIL: Oh, thank you. Thank you.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[BOTH MOANING]
Let me down, Gilbert.
You know I'm not a fan of the kickstand.
I'll wait it out.
What the hell's going on here?
I mean, I know what's going on here.
I would love to hear your account,
so that I know that you are
[COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Uh, you've been learning
from me, both you guys.
Earlier today, my niece and I
were walking down Main Street,
and we noticed the new
butcher shop by its sign.
It said "Canelli's Whole Meats."
This freezer's really cold.
Yeah, remind me to call her
when I'm hanging photos
because those things could
poke through plaster.
- Let's cover you up.
- Ah!
- Heh-heh.
- Thank you, dear.
It is very chilly in here,
like a cucumber.
- BILLS: Mm-hm.
- Ah, yes. That's much better.
Nope.
Now they look like two
jumbo marshmallows.
Then my niece showed me a photo
that she had selfied
on her portable phone.
The "and son" was painted
after the murder.
And it was then we knew that Ben
Jr. was, in fact, the murderer.
Can I hear it for the
murder-solving ladies?
- [ABIGAIL CHUCKLES]
- [WHISTLES]
Hey, hey, hey, man.
Come on, be a little more professional.
Okay, ladies, just for
shits and giggles,
what would your next move be?
- Arrest Ben Jr.!
- Arrest Ben Jr.!
Ben Jr., you are under
arrest. Get up. Ah!
Hold on to that meat because
the food in prison is terrible!
I'm psyched. I love murder.
You're really cool, Aunt Abigail.
I couldn't have done it
without your need to chronicle
every detail of your life online.
Oh. Heh-heh.
Solved it!
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[THUD]
What in the squirrels?
You didn't have to hurl it like
a football at my door, Jeremy!
Why'd it take so long to deliver?
It's 11:30 at night.
It's like they're purposely
using terrible photos of me.
That is hideous.
-
- [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
-
- [VILLAINOUS LAUGHTER]
[COUGHING]
[LAUGHTER RESUMES]
- Watch out, Aunt Abigail!
You really shouldn't just wander
into someone's backyard
while they're pumpkin shooting.
America's so weird.
I'm sorry to intrude, Mrs. Canelli.
It's ex-Mrs. Canelli.
My maiden name is Twat.
Do you mind if I ask a few questions,
ex-Mrs. Twat-Canelli?
I guess so. Shoot.
[GUNSHOT]
Is it safe to assume that you and
Mr. Canelli didn't get along?
We used to. When we first met,
our love was like an inferno.
We would hump each other three,
four, five times a night,
and never in the same room.
TMI.
Too much intercourse.
But then I found out he
had a gambling problem
and was stealing money from me.
And how much money did
your husband take?
He blew my life savings.
Eighteen hundred dollars.
As in one thousand eight hundred?
That's a pretty shitty amount
of money to kill someone for.
I was never much of a saver.
I'm addicted to QVC and
buying men drinks
that I met through QVC.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
I like to shop online too.
I'm obsessed with vintage fanny packs.
But sometimes, we buy things
to fill a hole in our lives.
I hated him with every bone
in my body, except my vagina.
- My vagina bone loved him.
- Mmm.
And now my sweet Benji is dead.
So many mixed feelings about
that horrible and adorable prick.
I thank you for your time, Mrs. Twat.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
HEIDI: It's so sad,
Ben Jr. losing his dad
on the day of the grand
opening of their store.
Yes, the burden of their
burgeoning butcher business
now belongs to Ben Jr.
HEIDI: Hold on.
Aunt Abigail, look at this.
Good gravy!
When you reverse-pinched it,
it made the picture bigger.
No.
What's in the picture?
Heidi, thanks to you, I think
I know who the murderer is.
I'm off to Canelli's.
You go get the police.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Aha.
The paint is still wet.
Sorry, we're closed for the night.
I really love the way
you display all your jars.
It's very artful.
Did you take art in school?
Because you're a very
talented sign painter too.
I don't know what you mean.
The "and son."
It was a very interesting
and telling addition.
Clearly, it was painted
after your father's death.
No, it wasn't.
All you ever wanted was for
your father to appreciate you.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
I could never do anything
right in his eyes.
Why couldn't he just put
"and son" on the sign?
I'm listening. Let it out.
I accidentally dropped the large
pork butt on my dad's foot,
and he called me a waste of sperm.
I snapped.
Oh, my God.
I killed my dad.
[BEN JR. SOBBING]
Child, come here.
Come here.
Everything is going to be all right.
[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]
BEN JR.: I'm really sorry,
Mrs. Mapleworth.
You're, like, the only person
who was ever nice to me,
but I am gonna have to kill you.
I can't go to prison.
I'm way too pretty.
You think so?
I'll be right back to cut you up.
Think, Abigail.
How would you write
yourself out of this one?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Mrs. Mapleworth hangs
from the meat hook,
waiting for the killer to return.
She is reminded of a recent
zip-lining adventure to Costa Rica
with her female travel companion,
with whom she shared expenses.
Zipline!
No!
I like my faces tenderized.
[ABIGAIL GRUNTING]
Whatever you're doing isn't working.
It's called zip line!
[GRUNTS]
[GROANING]
- Whew.
- Are you okay?
[ABIGAIL GASPS]
[HEIDI YELLS]
I am now. Oh, nice kick, Heidi.
Oh, I'm not done.
Now I'm done.
- Oh, Abigail, oh!
- Thank God.
- Here.
- ABIGAIL: Oh, thank you. Thank you.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[BOTH MOANING]
Let me down, Gilbert.
You know I'm not a fan of the kickstand.
I'll wait it out.
What the hell's going on here?
I mean, I know what's going on here.
I would love to hear your account,
so that I know that you are
[COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Uh, you've been learning
from me, both you guys.
Earlier today, my niece and I
were walking down Main Street,
and we noticed the new
butcher shop by its sign.
It said "Canelli's Whole Meats."
This freezer's really cold.
Yeah, remind me to call her
when I'm hanging photos
because those things could
poke through plaster.
- Let's cover you up.
- Ah!
- Heh-heh.
- Thank you, dear.
It is very chilly in here,
like a cucumber.
- BILLS: Mm-hm.
- Ah, yes. That's much better.
Nope.
Now they look like two
jumbo marshmallows.
Then my niece showed me a photo
that she had selfied
on her portable phone.
The "and son" was painted
after the murder.
And it was then we knew that Ben
Jr. was, in fact, the murderer.
Can I hear it for the
murder-solving ladies?
- [ABIGAIL CHUCKLES]
- [WHISTLES]
Hey, hey, hey, man.
Come on, be a little more professional.
Okay, ladies, just for
shits and giggles,
what would your next move be?
- Arrest Ben Jr.!
- Arrest Ben Jr.!
Ben Jr., you are under
arrest. Get up. Ah!
Hold on to that meat because
the food in prison is terrible!
I'm psyched. I love murder.
You're really cool, Aunt Abigail.
I couldn't have done it
without your need to chronicle
every detail of your life online.
Oh. Heh-heh.
Solved it!
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[THUD]
What in the squirrels?
You didn't have to hurl it like
a football at my door, Jeremy!
Why'd it take so long to deliver?
It's 11:30 at night.
It's like they're purposely
using terrible photos of me.
That is hideous.
-
- [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
-
- [VILLAINOUS LAUGHTER]
[COUGHING]
[LAUGHTER RESUMES]