Marlon (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Boys Only Want One Thing
1 What's up, people? Ten years ago, I posted a video with the coolest girl on the entire planet: my daughter.
Marley, what's rule number one? I will never grow up.
And what's rule number two? I'll never, ever, ever grow up.
And what you gonna do when them boys start showing up? Boys are gross, so I'll be throwing up.
Ugh.
[groans.]
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon [hip-hop music.]
Yes! Ah! I did that do till it was done, honey.
[laughing.]
Ashley, doesn't she look amazing? More like amazed.
Yeah, I can't really close my eyes.
Hello, people I love.
Mm.
Yvette.
Stevie, who are you on the phone with? Radio station.
Been on hold for hours trying to win Beyoncé tickets.
Uh, thanks, Aunt Yvette.
I'm gonna go look at it in the big mirror.
Y hey.
[murmurs.]
Mm-mm.
Did she just Jackie Chan my hug and kiss? You know, she's been doing that a lot lately.
It's kind of weird, you know? She's wearing perfume, new hairdo, won't let me look over her shoulder when she's texting.
It's all sneaky, like Well, I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here.
- Yeah.
- Damn right.
Our baby girl's dealing drugs.
Marlon, she wants to look good for boys.
[laughs.]
Don't be ridiculous.
[scoffs.]
Marlon, you can act a fool all you want, but your baby girl is crushing on a dude, and y'all better get ready, 'cause the party is about to start.
[laughs.]
Well, uh, we black, and, uh, we coming to that party late.
Yvette, he has been dreading this moment for Marley's entire life.
Because where I'm from, you have a crush at 14, you're pregnant by 16, and you a grandma by 28.
Now, I ain't going to have no little boy with some nappy hair, talking about, "Hey, Papa.
" No.
No, little Negro.
Call me Marlon.
Marlon, I remember my first crush.
I think I was, like, 12.
12? [laughs.]
Look, I ain't saying you a ho, but that's on the spectrum.
Actually, Marlon, 12 is when primitive females gave birth.
The pelvis starts to expand to accommodate the baby's Hello? Why, yes, I would enjoy two free Beyoncé tickets.
I will hold.
Stevie? I never realized that we both were fans of Beyoncé.
How about we talk about it over dinner tonight? My treat? I see what you're doing, Yvette.
Uh-huh.
And I'm gonna let you do it.
I'd like to eat at the Rainforest Cafe.
The Rainforest Cafe? That stupid place with all the mechanical parrots and all that humidity? Do you know what that place is gonna do to my hair? Yes, I do.
Marlon, how exciting.
Our baby has her first crush.
It's gonna be a long time before that party starts.
[door closes.]
Well, the clown's here.
Uh, I don't know if you guys can tell, but I put on a little makeup.
- No, are you kidding me? - No, it looks so natural.
I didn't even know.
I thought you woke up like this.
Dang.
Your face makes me want a Happy Meal.
Well, there's this boy at school, and I really like him, and he asked if he can come over here to study tomorrow night for our geometry test.
Oh, sweetheart.
Yay.
That's so great.
Oh, yeah.
Of course he can come.
Isn't that wonderful, Marlon? Marlon.
Yeah.
My little girl into boys.
[chuckling.]
[inhales loudly.]
Why? [hip-hop music.]
Okay, stop that.
We need to discuss this rationally.
Okay, let's be rational.
I don't want my daughter dating until we're both dead, and you're gonna go first because I eat well, and you got a really bad habit of texting and driving.
Okay.
You know, you always do this.
Remember when you said that she was too young to take the training wheels off her bicycle? And remember what happened when you took them off? She got a bump on the chin, four stitches on the head.
Girl walking around looking like little black Frankenstein.
Look, she's not ready.
She is ready.
And you know what, Marlon? We're lucky that she came to us.
I tried to go to my dad, and like you, he overreacted.
I couldn't talk to him.
I learned everything I know now from Prince lyrics.
Oh, damn.
I don't want my baby in a hotel lobby with a magazine.
This is happening.
Now, you can either resist it, or you can embrace it.
Can't we just stuff her back up in there, and let her, like Hey, baby girl.
So you like a boy.
So uh, what's the little guy's name? Eugene.
Eugene! That's a nice, nerd name.
I'm intrigued.
Tell me about Eugene.
Well, I met him in the drama club, so Drama club? Drama club Eugene! [in English accent.]
Oh, do go on.
And he kind of helps out with the football team.
Water boy! I'm so nervous.
How do I know if a boy even likes me? Well, when a boy likes a girl, he gives her certain looks, right? It's like your mom.
When I first saw her, I gave her the look over the chain link fence.
Like, "Hey.
" Look at her over there giggling.
Look, see, that's when I knew I had her.
She was like, "Mm-hmm, "I see you over there, Slim.
"With your nappy, curly hair "and your lil' cocoa-brown complexion.
"I know you got some Indian in you, "and I'm not talking about the kind with curry.
"It's either Cherokee, or you Blackfooted-ed.
" [laughing.]
Yeah, I don't think I can pull that off.
A'ight.
All you have to do is be yourself.
You know, the day you were born, I fell in love with you, and I'm pretty sure Eugene will too.
Thanks, Daddy.
You know, sometimes you really have a way with words.
I hit you off, right? And sometimes you don't.
Marley's friend is gonna be here any minute.
You sure you gonna be okay? I'm good.
He's a nerd.
[doorbell rings.]
There he is right now.
He's probably gonna be like, "Hi.
"My name is Eugene.
"I love washing jockstraps, "and I'm totally into the 'Hamilton' soundtrack, 'cause it makes me feel so swagged out.
" I'll be fine.
Hey, uh, is Marley home? Yeah.
Give me one second, brah.
That's a dead man right there.
[hip-hop music.]
That brother look every bit of 32.
He probably got a mortgage, child support payments due.
That man is old.
He look like second-term Barack Obama.
I think he graduated with me.
He's in my yearbook.
Let me get my yearbook.
Guess what? He bought me my favorite caramel frappe.
Aw, sweetheart.
That's so nice.
- He's adorable.
- Oh, yeah.
Um, baby, you said he helps out with the football team? Yeah, he helps out by throwing the ball to everyone during the game.
He's the damn quarterback.
I'm telling you, that boy only got one thing on his mind.
Marlon, we are right here.
- Nothing is gonna happen.
- You damn right.
Zack.
All right, I need you to go bug your sister.
- I'm on it.
- My dude.
You need to relax.
He is only 15 years old.
15? Do you know what I was doing at 15? 15-year-old boys, they're walking hormones.
They just walk around.
They just hump all day.
Just their bodies just do this.
When I was 15, I would just hump anything.
Blankets, it didn't matter what it was.
Look, Zack, go away.
God.
Uh, Eugene, do you want to go up to my room and study? It's on.
That's my cue.
It's time for the daddy beatdown.
No, I'm cool right here, babe.
Did you hear that? Oh, this is worse than we thought.
We didn't think anything.
Come here.
Girl, look.
Look at this.
Come here.
Look at this.
Look at that man.
Look - Boy, you better get off me.
- Okay, but Look for the circumference.
This boy is diabolical.
He's using her to pass the geometry test.
Or maybe he's just a nice boy who enjoys our daughter's company.
What? She is boring as hell.
Have you seen her Snapchat? Oh, my God.
I unfollowed her four months ago.
Uh, excuse me, miss, can I get another Rice Krispie Treat? Those are, like, the best I ever had.
Oh, sure, of course.
[laughing.]
Here you go.
Thank you.
See, he's harmless.
Are you that blind? That man-dude just flirted with you, and you didn't even see that? He had a little sexy voice on.
He's rubbing his little his little chin hairs.
"Yo, can you get me another Rice Krispie Treat? "Like, those was the best-est Rice Krispie Treats I ever had.
" Your Rice Krispie Treats are terrible.
Zack! Do you like Mommy's Rice Krispie Treats? It's only three ingredients, Mom.
We don't know how you screw 'em up.
Thank you.
- [Yvette whimpering.]
- Ah! [screams.]
[laughs.]
Point.
I've had enough.
Stevie, you know how much I want that Beyoncé ticket, and you're just using me.
Well, until I got the tickets, you showed no interest in me.
So who, may I ask, is using whom? You know what? This isn't worth it.
I'm just gonna watch it on cable while sipping a tall glass of lemonade.
Do you know how many single ladies would kill for these tickets? All the single ladies.
All the single ladies.
[sighs.]
That boy's gonna break her heart.
- Marley? - Oh, guess what? Eugene asked to study here again tomorrow night, and he told me he doesn't have a date for the dance.
[both exclaiming.]
Here, sit.
Uh, Marley, if there was a, uh, a "Harry Potter" spell that that I can use to protect you from all the bad guys out there, you would use it, wouldn't you? Protego Maxima? Yeah, absolutely.
Protego Maxima, yeah.
Now I see why I unfollowed you.
Well, here's the thing.
There's a lot of boys your age that only want one thing from a girl.
See, they want to use their little wands to slay the dragon Marlon! Focus.
Focus, right.
Okay.
What I'm saying is, baby, he's using you just so he can pass the math test.
Wait a minute.
You don't think a boy like Eugene could actually like me? No, Marley, that's not what I'm saying.
Baby, I'm just trying to protect you.
You know what, Dad? When he comes over tomorrow night, I'd rather you not be here.
[door closes upstairs.]
Did she just put me in timeout? [upbeat music.]
Eugene's gonna be here any minute.
- You should go.
- So you still think I'm wrong, don't you? Yes, I do.
I think you're wrong.
You don't know that little boy's intentions.
I know it's not to get busy with my daughter.
Do you hear yourself? Yes.
I sound crazy as hell.
And that is why she doesn't want you here.
She didn't mean that.
Daddy, I don't want you here.
Maybe she did mean that.
[groans.]
Hey, what's going on, Mr.
Wayne? Mm-hmm.
Uh, Eugene, I forgot my geometry book.
- I'll be right back.
- All right.
Hi, I made you some more Rice Krispies.
Oh, this looks even better than your last batch.
You better sit down, Eugene.
Marlon, you were right.
Eugene just looked at me over the fence.
Yeah, and if you're right about that, then you might be right about other things.
- You're damn right - [screams.]
[softly.]
Jesus.
Let me call you right back.
[phone beeps.]
What are you doing here? Well, I wasn't gonna leave my daughter alone with the geometry gigolo.
So I climbed in through your bedroom window.
Marlon, I'm afraid he's gonna break her heart.
- See, that's it.
- No, no, no.
You can't go down there.
Then why did you call me back here? I didn't call you back here.
You broke in.
- Right.
- I just wanted your support.
She's gonna get hurt.
This is like the training wheels moment all over again.
Exactly, and you want her to fall and bust her ass and get stitches again? Marlon what happened after she got the stitches? She got back up on her bike, and she learned to ride.
Exactly.
Our job is to be here to dust her off and kiss her bruises.
You're right.
But you know when she was little, - and she'd hurt herself? - Mm-hmm.
She fell on the bike.
I'd grab the bike and say, "Bike, you so stupid," and I grabbed the bike, and I threw it into the tree, and I said, "Don't you hurt my daughter.
" That's what I want to do with the dude.
Wow.
You look great.
I know.
Beyoncé is gonna want to pull me up onstage when she sees me dancing in this.
- Just one thing before we go.
- Yeah? To get this upgrade, I kind of had to tell a little white lie, and I need you to play along with it.
Oh, we're still VIP, right? Down front near the stage, right? So close she'll shower us with her sweat.
[laughs.]
For that, I'll play along with anything.
Isn't this fun? I hate you, Stevie.
For a girl who survived getting hit by two buses, you got a pretty crappy attitude.
Oh, I would choke you if I could just put my hands together.
Oh, my God.
Jay Z is on the catwalk.
- Where? - Look, look.
He's going over there.
So listen I'm not really good at this school thing, and if I don't pass this test, I'm getting kicked off the football team.
There's no way I'm gonna learn this by tomorrow.
So why don't you just write out the formulas on a little piece of paper? Like a cheat sheet? Exactly.
Let me just let me just throw one of these at him, please.
No, no.
You'll kill him.
I don't know what I do to them.
Uh, so do you know who you're gonna ask to the dance yet? - Tanesha.
- Who? My girlfriend.
Is this still a training wheels moment? No.
That is your cue.
Time for daddy beatdown.
Oh, this is what I've been waiting for.
Whoo! Ooh! Let me holler at you real quick, playboy.
Daddy First of all, Eugene, you got a very misleading moniker.
Okay, if you're going to have a nerd's name, then you should be a damn nerd.
Quarterbacks are supposed to have cool, white-boy names, like Brett, or Chaz, or Dean, or Ace, or Chip.
And secondly, I don't want you coming around here with your grown face, your LeBron James cheekbones, your Robert Griffin III eyes, thumb-sucking but still grown, with your little pretzel lips, and your Grover from "Sesame Street" naps after he'd been wet for three days and sat out and let him dry back up.
With your half-man, half-kid body.
You look strange with your sexy, evil Trey Songz intentions.
And thirdly, I don't want you coming around my house, messing with my daughter anymore.
You understand me? Look, man, I got when I came for.
See you around, Marley.
You got what you came for? Oh, you [sighs.]
[groaning.]
You oh, you got what you came for? [groaning.]
Oh, you know what? I'm gonna set my alarm for three years from now, and on his 18th birthday, I'm gonna show up at Dave & Busters, and he going to be playing Skee-Ball, and when that ball go up like that there, I'm gonna come in and pow! I'm gonna punch him right in his chest.
He'll be like [groaning.]
500 points.
[imitating game dinging.]
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get me a hyperbaric chamber, and I'm gonna lie there for three years and preserve my youth, and then them doors gonna open [hissing.]
And pow! Punch him right in the face.
And if I miss, I'm gonna play asleep like this here.
And I'm gonna have an alien [hissing.]
Bust out my chest [growling.]
And jump on his face.
[groaning.]
And I'm just gonna sit there and let him suffocate.
Not to death.
Then I take one of your Rice Krispie Treats and go, "Get off of him.
" Nobody messes with my baby.
I'm not a baby.
I'm 14.
I can handle myself.
Marley, when a dude is using you to pass a test, you don't give him a cheat sheet.
- He's not passing that test.
- What? All the formulas I gave him? They're wrong.
So he'll be off the football team by Monday morning.
[laughs.]
Wow.
He was cute, though.
Girl, he was a'ight.
Listen, Marley.
I learned something.
You're not a baby anymore, and that's kinda of scary for me.
One day you're going to meet a boy who likes you and appreciates you for everything that you are.
And you know what? Daddy's gonna bury his ass right there in the backyard.
- Hugs? - Mm-mm.
Oh, you're gonna Jackie Chan this hug too? Not this one.
Uh, you guys? Yeah, it's weird.
You made it weird.
Marlon
Marley, what's rule number one? I will never grow up.
And what's rule number two? I'll never, ever, ever grow up.
And what you gonna do when them boys start showing up? Boys are gross, so I'll be throwing up.
Ugh.
[groans.]
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon [hip-hop music.]
Yes! Ah! I did that do till it was done, honey.
[laughing.]
Ashley, doesn't she look amazing? More like amazed.
Yeah, I can't really close my eyes.
Hello, people I love.
Mm.
Yvette.
Stevie, who are you on the phone with? Radio station.
Been on hold for hours trying to win Beyoncé tickets.
Uh, thanks, Aunt Yvette.
I'm gonna go look at it in the big mirror.
Y hey.
[murmurs.]
Mm-mm.
Did she just Jackie Chan my hug and kiss? You know, she's been doing that a lot lately.
It's kind of weird, you know? She's wearing perfume, new hairdo, won't let me look over her shoulder when she's texting.
It's all sneaky, like Well, I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here.
- Yeah.
- Damn right.
Our baby girl's dealing drugs.
Marlon, she wants to look good for boys.
[laughs.]
Don't be ridiculous.
[scoffs.]
Marlon, you can act a fool all you want, but your baby girl is crushing on a dude, and y'all better get ready, 'cause the party is about to start.
[laughs.]
Well, uh, we black, and, uh, we coming to that party late.
Yvette, he has been dreading this moment for Marley's entire life.
Because where I'm from, you have a crush at 14, you're pregnant by 16, and you a grandma by 28.
Now, I ain't going to have no little boy with some nappy hair, talking about, "Hey, Papa.
" No.
No, little Negro.
Call me Marlon.
Marlon, I remember my first crush.
I think I was, like, 12.
12? [laughs.]
Look, I ain't saying you a ho, but that's on the spectrum.
Actually, Marlon, 12 is when primitive females gave birth.
The pelvis starts to expand to accommodate the baby's Hello? Why, yes, I would enjoy two free Beyoncé tickets.
I will hold.
Stevie? I never realized that we both were fans of Beyoncé.
How about we talk about it over dinner tonight? My treat? I see what you're doing, Yvette.
Uh-huh.
And I'm gonna let you do it.
I'd like to eat at the Rainforest Cafe.
The Rainforest Cafe? That stupid place with all the mechanical parrots and all that humidity? Do you know what that place is gonna do to my hair? Yes, I do.
Marlon, how exciting.
Our baby has her first crush.
It's gonna be a long time before that party starts.
[door closes.]
Well, the clown's here.
Uh, I don't know if you guys can tell, but I put on a little makeup.
- No, are you kidding me? - No, it looks so natural.
I didn't even know.
I thought you woke up like this.
Dang.
Your face makes me want a Happy Meal.
Well, there's this boy at school, and I really like him, and he asked if he can come over here to study tomorrow night for our geometry test.
Oh, sweetheart.
Yay.
That's so great.
Oh, yeah.
Of course he can come.
Isn't that wonderful, Marlon? Marlon.
Yeah.
My little girl into boys.
[chuckling.]
[inhales loudly.]
Why? [hip-hop music.]
Okay, stop that.
We need to discuss this rationally.
Okay, let's be rational.
I don't want my daughter dating until we're both dead, and you're gonna go first because I eat well, and you got a really bad habit of texting and driving.
Okay.
You know, you always do this.
Remember when you said that she was too young to take the training wheels off her bicycle? And remember what happened when you took them off? She got a bump on the chin, four stitches on the head.
Girl walking around looking like little black Frankenstein.
Look, she's not ready.
She is ready.
And you know what, Marlon? We're lucky that she came to us.
I tried to go to my dad, and like you, he overreacted.
I couldn't talk to him.
I learned everything I know now from Prince lyrics.
Oh, damn.
I don't want my baby in a hotel lobby with a magazine.
This is happening.
Now, you can either resist it, or you can embrace it.
Can't we just stuff her back up in there, and let her, like Hey, baby girl.
So you like a boy.
So uh, what's the little guy's name? Eugene.
Eugene! That's a nice, nerd name.
I'm intrigued.
Tell me about Eugene.
Well, I met him in the drama club, so Drama club? Drama club Eugene! [in English accent.]
Oh, do go on.
And he kind of helps out with the football team.
Water boy! I'm so nervous.
How do I know if a boy even likes me? Well, when a boy likes a girl, he gives her certain looks, right? It's like your mom.
When I first saw her, I gave her the look over the chain link fence.
Like, "Hey.
" Look at her over there giggling.
Look, see, that's when I knew I had her.
She was like, "Mm-hmm, "I see you over there, Slim.
"With your nappy, curly hair "and your lil' cocoa-brown complexion.
"I know you got some Indian in you, "and I'm not talking about the kind with curry.
"It's either Cherokee, or you Blackfooted-ed.
" [laughing.]
Yeah, I don't think I can pull that off.
A'ight.
All you have to do is be yourself.
You know, the day you were born, I fell in love with you, and I'm pretty sure Eugene will too.
Thanks, Daddy.
You know, sometimes you really have a way with words.
I hit you off, right? And sometimes you don't.
Marley's friend is gonna be here any minute.
You sure you gonna be okay? I'm good.
He's a nerd.
[doorbell rings.]
There he is right now.
He's probably gonna be like, "Hi.
"My name is Eugene.
"I love washing jockstraps, "and I'm totally into the 'Hamilton' soundtrack, 'cause it makes me feel so swagged out.
" I'll be fine.
Hey, uh, is Marley home? Yeah.
Give me one second, brah.
That's a dead man right there.
[hip-hop music.]
That brother look every bit of 32.
He probably got a mortgage, child support payments due.
That man is old.
He look like second-term Barack Obama.
I think he graduated with me.
He's in my yearbook.
Let me get my yearbook.
Guess what? He bought me my favorite caramel frappe.
Aw, sweetheart.
That's so nice.
- He's adorable.
- Oh, yeah.
Um, baby, you said he helps out with the football team? Yeah, he helps out by throwing the ball to everyone during the game.
He's the damn quarterback.
I'm telling you, that boy only got one thing on his mind.
Marlon, we are right here.
- Nothing is gonna happen.
- You damn right.
Zack.
All right, I need you to go bug your sister.
- I'm on it.
- My dude.
You need to relax.
He is only 15 years old.
15? Do you know what I was doing at 15? 15-year-old boys, they're walking hormones.
They just walk around.
They just hump all day.
Just their bodies just do this.
When I was 15, I would just hump anything.
Blankets, it didn't matter what it was.
Look, Zack, go away.
God.
Uh, Eugene, do you want to go up to my room and study? It's on.
That's my cue.
It's time for the daddy beatdown.
No, I'm cool right here, babe.
Did you hear that? Oh, this is worse than we thought.
We didn't think anything.
Come here.
Girl, look.
Look at this.
Come here.
Look at this.
Look at that man.
Look - Boy, you better get off me.
- Okay, but Look for the circumference.
This boy is diabolical.
He's using her to pass the geometry test.
Or maybe he's just a nice boy who enjoys our daughter's company.
What? She is boring as hell.
Have you seen her Snapchat? Oh, my God.
I unfollowed her four months ago.
Uh, excuse me, miss, can I get another Rice Krispie Treat? Those are, like, the best I ever had.
Oh, sure, of course.
[laughing.]
Here you go.
Thank you.
See, he's harmless.
Are you that blind? That man-dude just flirted with you, and you didn't even see that? He had a little sexy voice on.
He's rubbing his little his little chin hairs.
"Yo, can you get me another Rice Krispie Treat? "Like, those was the best-est Rice Krispie Treats I ever had.
" Your Rice Krispie Treats are terrible.
Zack! Do you like Mommy's Rice Krispie Treats? It's only three ingredients, Mom.
We don't know how you screw 'em up.
Thank you.
- [Yvette whimpering.]
- Ah! [screams.]
[laughs.]
Point.
I've had enough.
Stevie, you know how much I want that Beyoncé ticket, and you're just using me.
Well, until I got the tickets, you showed no interest in me.
So who, may I ask, is using whom? You know what? This isn't worth it.
I'm just gonna watch it on cable while sipping a tall glass of lemonade.
Do you know how many single ladies would kill for these tickets? All the single ladies.
All the single ladies.
[sighs.]
That boy's gonna break her heart.
- Marley? - Oh, guess what? Eugene asked to study here again tomorrow night, and he told me he doesn't have a date for the dance.
[both exclaiming.]
Here, sit.
Uh, Marley, if there was a, uh, a "Harry Potter" spell that that I can use to protect you from all the bad guys out there, you would use it, wouldn't you? Protego Maxima? Yeah, absolutely.
Protego Maxima, yeah.
Now I see why I unfollowed you.
Well, here's the thing.
There's a lot of boys your age that only want one thing from a girl.
See, they want to use their little wands to slay the dragon Marlon! Focus.
Focus, right.
Okay.
What I'm saying is, baby, he's using you just so he can pass the math test.
Wait a minute.
You don't think a boy like Eugene could actually like me? No, Marley, that's not what I'm saying.
Baby, I'm just trying to protect you.
You know what, Dad? When he comes over tomorrow night, I'd rather you not be here.
[door closes upstairs.]
Did she just put me in timeout? [upbeat music.]
Eugene's gonna be here any minute.
- You should go.
- So you still think I'm wrong, don't you? Yes, I do.
I think you're wrong.
You don't know that little boy's intentions.
I know it's not to get busy with my daughter.
Do you hear yourself? Yes.
I sound crazy as hell.
And that is why she doesn't want you here.
She didn't mean that.
Daddy, I don't want you here.
Maybe she did mean that.
[groans.]
Hey, what's going on, Mr.
Wayne? Mm-hmm.
Uh, Eugene, I forgot my geometry book.
- I'll be right back.
- All right.
Hi, I made you some more Rice Krispies.
Oh, this looks even better than your last batch.
You better sit down, Eugene.
Marlon, you were right.
Eugene just looked at me over the fence.
Yeah, and if you're right about that, then you might be right about other things.
- You're damn right - [screams.]
[softly.]
Jesus.
Let me call you right back.
[phone beeps.]
What are you doing here? Well, I wasn't gonna leave my daughter alone with the geometry gigolo.
So I climbed in through your bedroom window.
Marlon, I'm afraid he's gonna break her heart.
- See, that's it.
- No, no, no.
You can't go down there.
Then why did you call me back here? I didn't call you back here.
You broke in.
- Right.
- I just wanted your support.
She's gonna get hurt.
This is like the training wheels moment all over again.
Exactly, and you want her to fall and bust her ass and get stitches again? Marlon what happened after she got the stitches? She got back up on her bike, and she learned to ride.
Exactly.
Our job is to be here to dust her off and kiss her bruises.
You're right.
But you know when she was little, - and she'd hurt herself? - Mm-hmm.
She fell on the bike.
I'd grab the bike and say, "Bike, you so stupid," and I grabbed the bike, and I threw it into the tree, and I said, "Don't you hurt my daughter.
" That's what I want to do with the dude.
Wow.
You look great.
I know.
Beyoncé is gonna want to pull me up onstage when she sees me dancing in this.
- Just one thing before we go.
- Yeah? To get this upgrade, I kind of had to tell a little white lie, and I need you to play along with it.
Oh, we're still VIP, right? Down front near the stage, right? So close she'll shower us with her sweat.
[laughs.]
For that, I'll play along with anything.
Isn't this fun? I hate you, Stevie.
For a girl who survived getting hit by two buses, you got a pretty crappy attitude.
Oh, I would choke you if I could just put my hands together.
Oh, my God.
Jay Z is on the catwalk.
- Where? - Look, look.
He's going over there.
So listen I'm not really good at this school thing, and if I don't pass this test, I'm getting kicked off the football team.
There's no way I'm gonna learn this by tomorrow.
So why don't you just write out the formulas on a little piece of paper? Like a cheat sheet? Exactly.
Let me just let me just throw one of these at him, please.
No, no.
You'll kill him.
I don't know what I do to them.
Uh, so do you know who you're gonna ask to the dance yet? - Tanesha.
- Who? My girlfriend.
Is this still a training wheels moment? No.
That is your cue.
Time for daddy beatdown.
Oh, this is what I've been waiting for.
Whoo! Ooh! Let me holler at you real quick, playboy.
Daddy First of all, Eugene, you got a very misleading moniker.
Okay, if you're going to have a nerd's name, then you should be a damn nerd.
Quarterbacks are supposed to have cool, white-boy names, like Brett, or Chaz, or Dean, or Ace, or Chip.
And secondly, I don't want you coming around here with your grown face, your LeBron James cheekbones, your Robert Griffin III eyes, thumb-sucking but still grown, with your little pretzel lips, and your Grover from "Sesame Street" naps after he'd been wet for three days and sat out and let him dry back up.
With your half-man, half-kid body.
You look strange with your sexy, evil Trey Songz intentions.
And thirdly, I don't want you coming around my house, messing with my daughter anymore.
You understand me? Look, man, I got when I came for.
See you around, Marley.
You got what you came for? Oh, you [sighs.]
[groaning.]
You oh, you got what you came for? [groaning.]
Oh, you know what? I'm gonna set my alarm for three years from now, and on his 18th birthday, I'm gonna show up at Dave & Busters, and he going to be playing Skee-Ball, and when that ball go up like that there, I'm gonna come in and pow! I'm gonna punch him right in his chest.
He'll be like [groaning.]
500 points.
[imitating game dinging.]
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get me a hyperbaric chamber, and I'm gonna lie there for three years and preserve my youth, and then them doors gonna open [hissing.]
And pow! Punch him right in the face.
And if I miss, I'm gonna play asleep like this here.
And I'm gonna have an alien [hissing.]
Bust out my chest [growling.]
And jump on his face.
[groaning.]
And I'm just gonna sit there and let him suffocate.
Not to death.
Then I take one of your Rice Krispie Treats and go, "Get off of him.
" Nobody messes with my baby.
I'm not a baby.
I'm 14.
I can handle myself.
Marley, when a dude is using you to pass a test, you don't give him a cheat sheet.
- He's not passing that test.
- What? All the formulas I gave him? They're wrong.
So he'll be off the football team by Monday morning.
[laughs.]
Wow.
He was cute, though.
Girl, he was a'ight.
Listen, Marley.
I learned something.
You're not a baby anymore, and that's kinda of scary for me.
One day you're going to meet a boy who likes you and appreciates you for everything that you are.
And you know what? Daddy's gonna bury his ass right there in the backyard.
- Hugs? - Mm-mm.
Oh, you're gonna Jackie Chan this hug too? Not this one.
Uh, you guys? Yeah, it's weird.
You made it weird.
Marlon