Married Single Other (2009) s01e03 Episode Script
Burning Rubber
Police, please.
This is Lillie O'Rourke from the women's shelter.
Could you send a squad car immediately? I have a sad excuse for a man here who's breaking the rules of his restraining order.
I've been assaulted, officer.
I've been suspended.
He's suing.
But he attacked you.
Don't touch the hot bills drawer without oven gloves.
It'll singe you.
How could this be Oh, don't flip out, Babs.
I love you.
None of our friends have ever split up before.
I always have and I always will.
Help me go to the next level with Abbey.
I tried the sappy 'kissing then walking away so she thinks I'm a gentleman' and for what? Maybe pretending to be nice isn't enough, Clint.
I'll do it when I get back.
Bye.
Morning.
Hurry up, come on! Morning, ladies.
99100.
100, my arse.
Oi, come back.
Is it me or is your brother running in an odd way today? Hm? Well, kind of aggressive and low-slung.
Bowling-ball balls.
What? Abbey's still not putting out.
Dickie says you've got a medical problem.
Yeah, well, Dickie's a moron.
He's president elect of the moron nation.
Not getting any then? 29 days.
I've not gone without sex for a month since I was 15.
He runs like his feet are in wet concrete.
Give him a break.
He's having to do double shifts cos of Lillie's suspension.
Oh, good.
I like my ambulance drivers to be exhausted.
Do you know what day it is today? It's Friday.
It's my wedding anniversary.
Oh, crap.
What's up? My virginity's growing back, you're working yourself silly and he's suicidal over Babs.
My virginity's growing back, you're working yourself silly and he's suicidal over Babs.
We might as well give up and line our arteries with bacon fat.
Could you not give Steve and the twins a quick juggle for medicinal purposes only? No.
I refuse on principle.
That's why God gave us women.
I love this girl.
Yeah, well, I've had enough.
I don't care how beautiful And sweet and intelligent.
Fragrant and stacked.
She is, she's toast.
If she wants Clint she has to be good to little Clint or all bets are off.
Spoken like a completeClint.
Shall we? Go on then.
It must be love Shut up.
Love, love Shut up.
Why did you bring her? I was being nice.
How was I to know she's the bendy bitch from hell? I'm right here, you know.
And then going into upavishta konasana.
Lord, I bet Clint thinks he's died and gone to heaven, doesn't he? He doesn't know I'm bendy yet.
What? And then coming into cobra.
I'm making him earn it.
I like him.
I'm making him wait a month.
That's my rule.
Do you guys fancy coming over tonight for cocktails or nibbles or something? Yeah, sure.
You know, as soon as Babs and I have done our thing.
Eek.
Is that today? Is that t Please tell me you're prepared.
I don't want you to What? You know.
I don't know.
Go into a complete meltdown.
That is totally unfair.
I It was one time.
Two times if you count Peterborough.
Three times is - I'm gonna leave you guys to have your fight.
Babs, seriously.
I need to get my job back.
I know it's the crappest money and I know the building is falling apart but I justI love it.
It's what I'm for.
I'll be there and I'll be great.
OK.
There you go.
You should help Dickie.
I'm not giving him any money.
You don't sprinkle a junkie with cocaine and hope he'll look Christmassy.
Help him emotionally.
He's emotionally five.
Should I take him to tumble tots? Take him for a drink.
Distract him.
You take him for a drink.
You actually like him.
Night shifts.
Maybe next week.
It's his wedding anniversary today.
I might be seeing Abbey tonight.
Well maybe that's what'll tip her over the edge.
You do something good for Dickie, goodness and kindness will shine on you.
You have to be some sort of Aardman animated woodland creature to believe that.
Dick, we're going out tonight.
Why? Eddie says so.
And I need sex.
You're not having sex with me.
That breaks all kind of very reasonable taboos.
Eddie thinks Abbey's got some kind of points system going on and I have to rack 'em up like a human loyalty card.
Looking after you is worth double points.
All right.
Where are we going? I thought we could catch Mamma Mia on DVD and then a whist drive.
Oh, brilliant.
What is that smell? Ugh.
God, I hope she gets her job back.
You're overreacting.
She had Matt and Benny trapped for two hours defending their attitude to Britney Spears.
She nipple-crippled Benny cos he sniggered when she said vagina.
Well, playfully, I'm sure.
She's always on my laptop.
I've got projects outstanding.
Bugger.
Bugger, bugger, bugger.
Bugger.
Bennett is the chair of my tribunal.
Rod Bennett.
He's this pompous bean-counting idiot.
If that git is in charge then this is all about the money.
I can't Hey, you were suspended for defending yourself against a guy twice your size who hit you first.
It won't be a problem.
So can I have my laptop back? The wife beater is claiming he can't walk.
Rubbish.
Flo checked him over.
He's paid a doctor to say I crippled him somehow.
The shelter can't afford a legal battle even if they know he's lying so it's easier and cheaper to feed me to the lions.
What is that smell? Can I have my laptop, please? What smell? It's like burning rubber or something.
Oh, OK, so every other day for the past five years some drunk has been sick on your shoes.
Oh, OK, so every other day for the past five years some drunk has been sick on your shoes.
Every other night you wash your boots, put them in the drier and in the morning you are amazed that they come out the temperature of molten lava.
And yet I'm to marry the most beautiful girl in this street or any other.
Go figure.
Mum.
Hm? I need my laptop.
No, I've got my notes on it for the tribunal darling.
I'm sorry.
I'll give it back later.
Use the old one in Harry's room.
Unlikely.
His hasn't got a built-in camera.
How can I record my blog in that old Go win your case, Erin Brokovich.
Babs going with you? She's meeting me there.
Mum, I really need my laptop.
I mean, I've got loads of projects I need to do.
Mr.
Phillips will kill me, if I don't finish - Joe.
They could take my job away.
OK, Mum.
Thank you, darling.
Babe, don't forget I'm working a double shift.
I won't.
Oh, Babs and I are going to Abbey's to snoop.
OK, it's out here too.
It's like someone is burning tyres.
Babe, I can't smell anything.
Yeah, well, that's cos you're a man and your nose is blunted by a lifetime of farting.
True.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Flo.
Morning, Edward.
Hang back.
I don't want people at school thinking we're brothers.
Everybody knows we're brothers.
I don't want them to think that I like the idea.
What's this? Well, I don't want to get too technical but it's what we in the trade call a gift.
So Well, I I haven't got you anythingDick.
II didn't think we'd be celebrating.
No.
Oh, no, no.
I meant I meant So open it.
I wasn't expecting You never really did gifts, did you? Even when we Do you mind if I don't? Umopen it now, I mean.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah, no probs.
They're only earrings.
They're just little ones.
Cheap ones.
You don't have to wear them or anything.
Thanks.
I'd invite you in but um Yeah.
Oh, all right.
Why don't you lay on your front, Mr.
Walden? Do you mind awfully if I do? I don't want to make a fuss.
It's all the same to me.
I was vacuuming vigorously.
There's no need to explain.
And II needed a moment's rest.
So I sat down without lookingon the remote control.
Don't start.
What does it say on the side? It says ambulance, Flo.
On the front it says ecnalubma.
Exactly.
It don't say pervert taxi.
Remote boy belongs on the bus.
He pays his taxes like the rest of us.
Why don't he wedge himself on a pogo stick and bounce himself to A&E if that's how he gets his kicks? To heal and comfort the sick.
It don't get much sicker than a bloke with TV accessories up his Blackwall Tunnel.
It was a housework-related incident, he said.
If we don't get any proper patients soon I'm gonna knock me one down.
Babs, Dickie and Gina are not here at the moment.
Please leave a message.
Good luck today.
You're going to need it.
Out for a walk? I've been invited to your trial.
Oh, sorry, yeah - tribunal.
Get your chair on eBay, did you? I'm making it my business to fuck you over.
It's amazing what you can get a doctor to sign off on if you cry a bit and pay your bills on time.
Oh, my poor back! Don't count on me doing that in there though, will you, princess? As regular readers will know I spend most lunch breaks clingfilmed to a range of static objects.
My classmates like to vary the location which I think shows a creative urge and makes a mockery of the school's low standing in the league tables.
Thanks, Squeegee.
I don't really mind because it allows me time to think.
Stephen Hawking became a genius because he spent hours stuck at the top of various staircases.
While he waited for help he solved the mysteries of the universe.
I too like to grapple with such mysteries but however hard I try to remain unnoticed, some people just take exception to self-improvement.
Hello, Joe.
Hello, Spud.
Brought your own? Yeah.
Anywhere you'd like to be today? If you wrap me up in the science block I could watch Mr.
Phillips preparing for biology.
Car park it is then.
Joe.
Gina.
Where do they get all the clingfilm from? It started getting expensive for Spud so now he makes me bring my own.
And what did you do to provoke him? Nothing.
I was just reading my book.
What were you reading? Isaac Newton's Principia.
Way to camouflage yourself, Joey.
So, are you ready? No.
Babs.
You have to stop me if I get confrontational.
Yeah, I'll certainly try.
It's not the first time you've had trouble with the police, is it? It's the first time in a while, Bennett.
Hm.
You've been arrested ooh, nine times.
Care to explain? I'm allergic to injustice.
Or perhaps addicted to trouble.
OKhm.
All my arrests were political.
I know no-one believes in anything these days but when I was young I believed things could be changed and so I chained myself to things that I wasn't allowed to chain myself to.
You know, all the usual cliches.
Unfair taxes, smoking dogs or carelessly-placed nuclear weapons.
But none with violence.
No.
I only hit men who hit women.
OK, I was attacked.
I fought back.
But I did not touch his stupid pencil neck.
You know what? Given all that we do here I am surprised to find myself on trial.
It's not a trial, Lillie.
But we are trying to persuade Mr Connelly not to bring a damaging legal action against the shelter.
So your character and history are relevant in this process.
No, I mean, why defend your employees against fake compensations claims when it's just cheaper and neater to smear and then fire? Wow, it was you who put the grass mohican on Churchill during the May Day riots? Unbe-freaking-lievable.
Here we go.
Heart attack, my arse.
It's better to be safe than sorry.
He'll be sorry when I lay the paddles on his bloated stomach and give him a few thousand volts.
Teach him not to waste my time.
It's better than he turn out NOT to be having a heart attack.
It's better his wife don't ring the ambulance every time her useless husband forgets to chew his food properly.
Indigestion can sometimes feel like - He didn't need a paramedic.
He needed a burp.
Flo, what first drew you to the life of the medical profession? I like to drive fast without getting points on my licence, cream puff.
Come with me.
'Ello, Harry! And to avoid any confusion about whether there's a suggestion of sex in that instruction, Joe needs help.
You sent me the bloody text.
Ow.
Does anyone ever mistake you for a girl, Harry? No.
Does anyone ever mistake you for one? Harry and me are going to teach you to be ordinary.
But I don't want to be ordinary.
Newton wasn't ordinary.
Did you know he wrote Principia, the greatest science book in history, and then didn't publish it for ten years? The achievement of writing it was enough for him, you see.
He didn't need the accolades of his peers to enjoy his own genius.
Good luck with the er, normal thing.
Right, OK.
Joe, let's role-play.
You are walking down the corridor and Spud is coming towards you.
Er, well, which corridor? Doesn't matter.
If we're method acting I prefer to be able to visualise.
Science corridor, OK? Not getting to you, is he, Gina? No, we're setting the scene, aren't we? Yes.
OK, you're walking down the science corridor and you see Spud - Er, Gina.
What, Joe? Well, there are three corridors in the science block.
Biology, chemistry and physics.
Which one? Biology.
You're walking down the biology corridor and you see Spud.
Um, er, Gina.
What is it now? Spud doesn't do biology.
Told you.
He won't stop until you gnaw your own leg off to escape.
He's not doing biology he's just walking - But Gina.
What, what, what? Sorry, I don't mean to be annoying it's just that the biology corridor connects biology with physics, so it's not a through route to anywhere.
So unless Spud was doing either biology or physics he'd have no reason - What if he were just walking through the corridor to find you so he could kill you?! Ah.
And there we have it.
Now this psychological profile is all very well, Mrs.
Trench.
But I'm not sure of its relevance to this tribunal.
Aren't you Miss O'Rourke's friend? She is a qualified psychologist, you rude dipstick.
Child psychologist.
Child psychologist.
Yes.
Open University.
Oh, the Open University.
Did they teach you to recognise the difference between children and adults at the OU? Yes, I'm sure I read it in a book somewhere.
And which would you say Miss O'Rourke is? That's a tricky one.
Bit of a petulant child sometimes, actually.
Thank you very much for coming in and offering us your highly expert assessment, Mrs.
Trench.
Just try and breathe through it, love.
Don't love me, you incompetent butcher's boy.
Get me some drugs! Have another little toot on the gas and air.
They're sending her straight home again, right? Braxton Hicks.
Not due for a fortnight.
OK, that's it, that's it.
No blood, no ride in the Flobulance.
I'll reverse over the next ingrowing toenail you load on to my vehicle.
It's our vehicle, surely.
My vehicle.
You're my assistant.
Since when? Since I demoted you for being a whingey, white-boy sucker that treats people with overtight shoelaces like they're actually sick.
This is going to be a long shift.
I didn't know what you liked so I bought everything.
Surf Turf and Well, chicken.
Chicken works for me.
Good.
And a double tall skinny latte with cinnamon sprinkles.
Close enough.
Cool.
SoEddie thinks you've got some sort of points system going to qualify as your boyfriend.
He keeps suggesting sappy things I need to do to rack 'em up.
Listen to your friend Eddie, he sounds smart.
What, seriously? Oh, yeah.
OK.
So how am I doing then with this points thing? Very poorly.
You're in the low twenties.
Oh, right.
And what's the target again? A thousand.
A thousand?! So what do I get for rescuing a kitten from a tree? That's five points.
Five? Harsh.
Helping an old lady across the road? Also five points.
Kitten stuck up an old lady? OK, you lose points for smut.
Well, I am taking Dickie out tonight to try and cheer him up.
I could cancel.
You shouldn't.
That right there is 50 points.
How long does this pointy thing last? Well, I wouldn't want to string you along for more than a year because that would just be cruel.
Sorry.
Cock-up.
Meltdown.
Disaster.
Cockmeltsaster.
I wouldn't worry about it.
I think I'm just stressed out about the anniversary.
Nah.
You're just shit at any kind of public speaking and it was my fault for bringing you.
I'm sure they'll see sense.
No, they have to fire me, Babs.
It's either that or, you know, close the whole shelter.
It's OK.
Lillie.
Mm.
Naturally I have great sympathy for the centre given the support you've shown to my family.
When we look after your wife after she's sick of being knocked about.
You're not helping yourself, Miss O'Rourke.
I'd be happy to drop my legal action against the centre as long as I could be sure that people were safe within the grounds.
Now, I'm sure that with treatment and counselling Miss O'Rourke would be able to come to terms with her issues.
I'm just not sure that this is the right environment for that process to take place.
Well, thank you very much for coming in, Mr.
Connelly.
Well, unless anyone has anything else Actually, there's just one thing.
Excuse me.
Oh! Er, no, no.
Stop it.
Argh.
I've been attacked.
I've been assaulted.
The police.
Phone the police.
Mr.
Connelly can dance as well as act.
Oh, my poor back.
Get up and bugger off.
I got my job back.
My crappy, low-paid, high-stress job.
Hello.
So? I won.
Ah, I told you.
Are you home yet? Yeah.
If you can call it home when it stinks of burnt rubber.
Thanks, neighbours! What are you doing? Going to see Joe.
He left his lunchbox.
Then I'm back on call.
If you find him tell him that his mum is the winged angel of justice and that all who cross her will be doomed to humiliating failure.
Maybe you should lie down in case that giant head overbalances you.
See you later.
Bye.
Bye, Lil.
You forgot your lunchbox.
That's not like you.
Dad.
Yeah, Joe.
Gina thinks I should try harder to fit in.
How do you mean, little friend? She thinks I should be less Mm Well, be less Gina's a good girl.
Big heart under the school T-shirts.
She is.
She has.
So what do you think about her idea? I guess I could try, you know.
Fit in more.
Be less Be less Just be less.
Well, try and fit in if you want, Joe.
OK, Dad.
But don't you ever be less.
That'd be a shame.
OK, Dad.
Come here.
I did try.
I put the cover of Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix over Principia.
And yet here you are, a human crossbar.
Apparently any kind of voluntary reading counts.
Spud's playing in the wrong position, of course.
He's got strength and speed and, of course, height but from up here it's clear he's no finisher.
Spud! If he were to draw back and play more of a Rio Ferdinand role he'd change the dynamic of the team.
Oi, Spud! Get yourself over here and I'll show you my tits! Go on, go on.
Aye aye, Spuddy boy.
Afternoon, Gina.
Here I am.
Pop the puppies.
I'm not really going to show you, moron.
But I am going to tell you how to win this game.
Or rather Joe is.
So I ended up the Fabio Capello of the school team.
Watch out for the run-up.
Visualise the line.
Spud's interpretation of my coaching was questionable.
Now interpose physically.
Hit him.
Yes! We still won 5-0.
Good for you, Joey.
Surprising.
But preferable to being clingfilmed to stuff while denying who you are.
I'm not coming.
I'm not in the mood.
WellI'm not in the mood either.
Which is why God made beer.
There you go.
So how is it? It's great.
It's funny that.
Looks like shit from the outside.
I'm a happily married man.
Unfortunatelymy wife isn't.
Does it remind you of Mum and Dad? Not really.
Dad ran off with the woman who dry-cleaned his trousers.
It's not quite the same situation here.
You're a better man than him.
Although your clothes aren't as well pressed.
Come on.
We may as well make a night of it.
It's Dickie and Babs' wedding anniversary today.
You're mistaking me for someone who gives a crap, Edward.
Joe's got something going on at school, Harry and Gina had a fight, Lillie's got an air freshener fetish, Clint and Abbey aren't on the same page.
Don't mistake me for someone who won't stab you if you don't stop whining about your white middle-class relationship dramas.
Shut it! I'm working class.
OK, I'm shutting up right now.
Sohow's What is it you do again? Work.
Oh, I've heard of it.
Yeah.
It is a difficult concept for you to get your head around.
Is it warm enough in the Winnie? Well, it's boiling hot in the day, freezing at night.
Too big to drive, too small to live in.
Other than thatperfect.
Sounds Yeah, sounds nice.
Here, mate.
Keep the change.
Right.
Old Irishmen moaning into their Guinness or young Brazilian girls writhing around in cages? Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
How are you? Ooh, girl's apartment.
Hey, hey, there's no trainers in the hall.
And there's no crayon on the walls.
There's no shapeless Y-fronts on radiators.
We should live here.
We could bypass getting to know each other and go straight for being roomies.
It's a running machine.
And, oh, like a stretchy sort of Pilates device slash sex harness thingy.
I actually think there's not enough room for all three of us, Babs.
Aw.
She was never loyal.
OK, Pimms, wine or vodka? Yes.
Which one? All three, please.
OK.
And then I'll unpack.
Cos then you said, 'Thanks, Mrs Randall.
Just the one'll do for me.
' Do you remember? All right, you've done your duty.
Can I go home now? No.
A) it's too early and B) you haven't got a home to go to anyway.
Do you want a napkin? What for? For the drool.
I'm just concerned about her welfare.
She might be trying to gyrate the letters to let me out, I need a pee.
Abbey would have the same worries if she were here.
Well, she's not.
So I'd rather look at the nice lady trying to shake her bones loose than your miserable face.
What are you doing, Clint? Huh? Most blokes would chop their knobs off to be with Abbey.
Why are we here? Might as well have it chopped off, the amount of action I'm getting.
Why are we here? Might as well have it chopped off, the amount of action I'm getting.
That's a test, fool.
You do know that? Yeah, course I do.
And I intend to pass with flying colours.
I'm looking for likely candidates to lift you out of your anniversary-inflicted gloom.
I'm looking for likely candidates to lift you out of your anniversary-inflicted gloom.
That's why I'm going to talk to the Brazilian with the obvious Brazilian.
For you, brother.
So, is Clint going to get lucky and if so when? And can we have a full written report cos you are the first girl he likes that we like? Not much of an achievement though.
No.
Slappers.
All your predecessors.
All of them.
Yeah.
Not that there have been hundreds.
OK, you have to stop talking now.
Right, absolutely.
Definitely not more than A hundred.
No, I'm not listening.
Seriously though, we joke about Clint but underneath the layers And layers of crappy posing, he is actually all right.
Hello.
Hola.
My brother, the one over there with all the muscles and the face like a smacked arse, would like you to join us for a drink if you get a coffee break from the whole sweaty, frolicking extravaganza.
Do you get a coffee break? Maybe.
And would you care to share it with my brother at all? What about you? What about me? You want a coffee break with me? Well, no, my mission was - Your brother looks sad.
He have sexy muscle but he look like he just get dumped and is not looking to move on.
But you, on the other hand, look married.
Really? Yeah, but you look like dirty fun too.
I like you.
Do you like me? You said brother as a cover maybe? No, no.
No? You don't like me? Well, that's cool.
You're the first man not to like me when I'm nearly naked and covered in sweat.
No, I do like you.
I just wasn't using him as a cover.
I have to dance a little bit more.
Then maybemaybeI get this coffee break.
So, will we marry come springtime? Maybe.
Hey.
There's plenty of rope in the room, Clint.
I'll let you decide if you want to hang yourself with it.
Hey.
Oi.
Dickie, hold on.
Whoa.
I feel like escaping from this prison.
Well, don't you get time off for good behaviour? No.
Only bad.
I drink tequila.
I don't recall you actually answering the question there, Abigail.
What question? Clint, keys, chastity belt.
You know, possible hand-over date.
Nice touch.
Thank you.
Well, you know I'm making him wait a month just to make sure he's not after a quick shag.
Hell, yeah.
That's good.
Ooh, yeah.
I know that Clint has history.
I just can't help feeling that he has heart too.
I suppose the dinner party was quite sweet.
He threw away all, you know, the really quite expensive erotic art that he bought.
So when's the month up? Tomorrow.
In fact, technicallytechnically tonight at midnight.
He doesn't know, does he? Mm-mm.
You should call him.
Yeah? Oh, yeah.
Yes.
We should go.
I just Get out.
Good luck.
Bye.
This is Clint.
Leave me a message.
If you're fit enough I'll call you back.
Your message is wholly juvenile.
I'm just calling to see if you've finished your good Dickie deed.
Give me a call.
Bye.
Stop, stop, stop.
Just kissing, yeah? Interesting.
Yeah.
Yeah, haven't you heard? That's all the rage these days.
You're in love with someone but she's not putting out.
Look, I I have to get out of here.
Can I drop you off somewhere? Why don't we go back to your place? I want to show this girl how to give you a regular despunk.
Just kidding.
Drop me off on your way home to life of monk.
164, 164.
Emergency West 10.
You said you wanted a real patient.
I thought about taking a bus.
But I kept falling over sideways.
Didn't want to squash the other passengers.
That's OK, Charlie.
Just try not to talk, eh? I don't want to be any trouble.
Scared of your partner.
Pretend it's serious.
She's not too hot on the medical stuff.
We can fool her.
Right, OK.
OK.
So.
So.
Up-and-coming area.
Do you want to be up-and-coming again? I forget, what's her thing? Grade four astrocytic brain tumour.
Late stage.
Ed? Yeah? Do you think she could slow down a tiny bit? Does the rocking hurt? No, no.
It's just that smell.
Smell? Of burningrubber.
I'll get her to cool it a bit.
Charlie? Yeah? Have you smelt that smell before? The burning rubber.
Yeah.
There's a junkyard near my flat, I think.
Although I've never found it.
Bastards are always burning stuff.
I don't want to be a fuss but do you have anything for the pain? My head hurtsa little.
Move on, Dickster.
This time it's, like, serious.
Yes.
Please call me back.
It's not really fair.
I've not really done - The only thing wrong with me is I'm with an Olympic standard old woman.
The best way to prove it is to take a few tests.
You're pretty for an undercover cop.
Natalie.
Sex is war.
Us versus them.
Invasion, occupation, subjugation.
This is Lillie O'Rourke from the women's shelter.
Could you send a squad car immediately? I have a sad excuse for a man here who's breaking the rules of his restraining order.
I've been assaulted, officer.
I've been suspended.
He's suing.
But he attacked you.
Don't touch the hot bills drawer without oven gloves.
It'll singe you.
How could this be Oh, don't flip out, Babs.
I love you.
None of our friends have ever split up before.
I always have and I always will.
Help me go to the next level with Abbey.
I tried the sappy 'kissing then walking away so she thinks I'm a gentleman' and for what? Maybe pretending to be nice isn't enough, Clint.
I'll do it when I get back.
Bye.
Morning.
Hurry up, come on! Morning, ladies.
99100.
100, my arse.
Oi, come back.
Is it me or is your brother running in an odd way today? Hm? Well, kind of aggressive and low-slung.
Bowling-ball balls.
What? Abbey's still not putting out.
Dickie says you've got a medical problem.
Yeah, well, Dickie's a moron.
He's president elect of the moron nation.
Not getting any then? 29 days.
I've not gone without sex for a month since I was 15.
He runs like his feet are in wet concrete.
Give him a break.
He's having to do double shifts cos of Lillie's suspension.
Oh, good.
I like my ambulance drivers to be exhausted.
Do you know what day it is today? It's Friday.
It's my wedding anniversary.
Oh, crap.
What's up? My virginity's growing back, you're working yourself silly and he's suicidal over Babs.
My virginity's growing back, you're working yourself silly and he's suicidal over Babs.
We might as well give up and line our arteries with bacon fat.
Could you not give Steve and the twins a quick juggle for medicinal purposes only? No.
I refuse on principle.
That's why God gave us women.
I love this girl.
Yeah, well, I've had enough.
I don't care how beautiful And sweet and intelligent.
Fragrant and stacked.
She is, she's toast.
If she wants Clint she has to be good to little Clint or all bets are off.
Spoken like a completeClint.
Shall we? Go on then.
It must be love Shut up.
Love, love Shut up.
Why did you bring her? I was being nice.
How was I to know she's the bendy bitch from hell? I'm right here, you know.
And then going into upavishta konasana.
Lord, I bet Clint thinks he's died and gone to heaven, doesn't he? He doesn't know I'm bendy yet.
What? And then coming into cobra.
I'm making him earn it.
I like him.
I'm making him wait a month.
That's my rule.
Do you guys fancy coming over tonight for cocktails or nibbles or something? Yeah, sure.
You know, as soon as Babs and I have done our thing.
Eek.
Is that today? Is that t Please tell me you're prepared.
I don't want you to What? You know.
I don't know.
Go into a complete meltdown.
That is totally unfair.
I It was one time.
Two times if you count Peterborough.
Three times is - I'm gonna leave you guys to have your fight.
Babs, seriously.
I need to get my job back.
I know it's the crappest money and I know the building is falling apart but I justI love it.
It's what I'm for.
I'll be there and I'll be great.
OK.
There you go.
You should help Dickie.
I'm not giving him any money.
You don't sprinkle a junkie with cocaine and hope he'll look Christmassy.
Help him emotionally.
He's emotionally five.
Should I take him to tumble tots? Take him for a drink.
Distract him.
You take him for a drink.
You actually like him.
Night shifts.
Maybe next week.
It's his wedding anniversary today.
I might be seeing Abbey tonight.
Well maybe that's what'll tip her over the edge.
You do something good for Dickie, goodness and kindness will shine on you.
You have to be some sort of Aardman animated woodland creature to believe that.
Dick, we're going out tonight.
Why? Eddie says so.
And I need sex.
You're not having sex with me.
That breaks all kind of very reasonable taboos.
Eddie thinks Abbey's got some kind of points system going on and I have to rack 'em up like a human loyalty card.
Looking after you is worth double points.
All right.
Where are we going? I thought we could catch Mamma Mia on DVD and then a whist drive.
Oh, brilliant.
What is that smell? Ugh.
God, I hope she gets her job back.
You're overreacting.
She had Matt and Benny trapped for two hours defending their attitude to Britney Spears.
She nipple-crippled Benny cos he sniggered when she said vagina.
Well, playfully, I'm sure.
She's always on my laptop.
I've got projects outstanding.
Bugger.
Bugger, bugger, bugger.
Bugger.
Bennett is the chair of my tribunal.
Rod Bennett.
He's this pompous bean-counting idiot.
If that git is in charge then this is all about the money.
I can't Hey, you were suspended for defending yourself against a guy twice your size who hit you first.
It won't be a problem.
So can I have my laptop back? The wife beater is claiming he can't walk.
Rubbish.
Flo checked him over.
He's paid a doctor to say I crippled him somehow.
The shelter can't afford a legal battle even if they know he's lying so it's easier and cheaper to feed me to the lions.
What is that smell? Can I have my laptop, please? What smell? It's like burning rubber or something.
Oh, OK, so every other day for the past five years some drunk has been sick on your shoes.
Oh, OK, so every other day for the past five years some drunk has been sick on your shoes.
Every other night you wash your boots, put them in the drier and in the morning you are amazed that they come out the temperature of molten lava.
And yet I'm to marry the most beautiful girl in this street or any other.
Go figure.
Mum.
Hm? I need my laptop.
No, I've got my notes on it for the tribunal darling.
I'm sorry.
I'll give it back later.
Use the old one in Harry's room.
Unlikely.
His hasn't got a built-in camera.
How can I record my blog in that old Go win your case, Erin Brokovich.
Babs going with you? She's meeting me there.
Mum, I really need my laptop.
I mean, I've got loads of projects I need to do.
Mr.
Phillips will kill me, if I don't finish - Joe.
They could take my job away.
OK, Mum.
Thank you, darling.
Babe, don't forget I'm working a double shift.
I won't.
Oh, Babs and I are going to Abbey's to snoop.
OK, it's out here too.
It's like someone is burning tyres.
Babe, I can't smell anything.
Yeah, well, that's cos you're a man and your nose is blunted by a lifetime of farting.
True.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Flo.
Morning, Edward.
Hang back.
I don't want people at school thinking we're brothers.
Everybody knows we're brothers.
I don't want them to think that I like the idea.
What's this? Well, I don't want to get too technical but it's what we in the trade call a gift.
So Well, I I haven't got you anythingDick.
II didn't think we'd be celebrating.
No.
Oh, no, no.
I meant I meant So open it.
I wasn't expecting You never really did gifts, did you? Even when we Do you mind if I don't? Umopen it now, I mean.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah, no probs.
They're only earrings.
They're just little ones.
Cheap ones.
You don't have to wear them or anything.
Thanks.
I'd invite you in but um Yeah.
Oh, all right.
Why don't you lay on your front, Mr.
Walden? Do you mind awfully if I do? I don't want to make a fuss.
It's all the same to me.
I was vacuuming vigorously.
There's no need to explain.
And II needed a moment's rest.
So I sat down without lookingon the remote control.
Don't start.
What does it say on the side? It says ambulance, Flo.
On the front it says ecnalubma.
Exactly.
It don't say pervert taxi.
Remote boy belongs on the bus.
He pays his taxes like the rest of us.
Why don't he wedge himself on a pogo stick and bounce himself to A&E if that's how he gets his kicks? To heal and comfort the sick.
It don't get much sicker than a bloke with TV accessories up his Blackwall Tunnel.
It was a housework-related incident, he said.
If we don't get any proper patients soon I'm gonna knock me one down.
Babs, Dickie and Gina are not here at the moment.
Please leave a message.
Good luck today.
You're going to need it.
Out for a walk? I've been invited to your trial.
Oh, sorry, yeah - tribunal.
Get your chair on eBay, did you? I'm making it my business to fuck you over.
It's amazing what you can get a doctor to sign off on if you cry a bit and pay your bills on time.
Oh, my poor back! Don't count on me doing that in there though, will you, princess? As regular readers will know I spend most lunch breaks clingfilmed to a range of static objects.
My classmates like to vary the location which I think shows a creative urge and makes a mockery of the school's low standing in the league tables.
Thanks, Squeegee.
I don't really mind because it allows me time to think.
Stephen Hawking became a genius because he spent hours stuck at the top of various staircases.
While he waited for help he solved the mysteries of the universe.
I too like to grapple with such mysteries but however hard I try to remain unnoticed, some people just take exception to self-improvement.
Hello, Joe.
Hello, Spud.
Brought your own? Yeah.
Anywhere you'd like to be today? If you wrap me up in the science block I could watch Mr.
Phillips preparing for biology.
Car park it is then.
Joe.
Gina.
Where do they get all the clingfilm from? It started getting expensive for Spud so now he makes me bring my own.
And what did you do to provoke him? Nothing.
I was just reading my book.
What were you reading? Isaac Newton's Principia.
Way to camouflage yourself, Joey.
So, are you ready? No.
Babs.
You have to stop me if I get confrontational.
Yeah, I'll certainly try.
It's not the first time you've had trouble with the police, is it? It's the first time in a while, Bennett.
Hm.
You've been arrested ooh, nine times.
Care to explain? I'm allergic to injustice.
Or perhaps addicted to trouble.
OKhm.
All my arrests were political.
I know no-one believes in anything these days but when I was young I believed things could be changed and so I chained myself to things that I wasn't allowed to chain myself to.
You know, all the usual cliches.
Unfair taxes, smoking dogs or carelessly-placed nuclear weapons.
But none with violence.
No.
I only hit men who hit women.
OK, I was attacked.
I fought back.
But I did not touch his stupid pencil neck.
You know what? Given all that we do here I am surprised to find myself on trial.
It's not a trial, Lillie.
But we are trying to persuade Mr Connelly not to bring a damaging legal action against the shelter.
So your character and history are relevant in this process.
No, I mean, why defend your employees against fake compensations claims when it's just cheaper and neater to smear and then fire? Wow, it was you who put the grass mohican on Churchill during the May Day riots? Unbe-freaking-lievable.
Here we go.
Heart attack, my arse.
It's better to be safe than sorry.
He'll be sorry when I lay the paddles on his bloated stomach and give him a few thousand volts.
Teach him not to waste my time.
It's better than he turn out NOT to be having a heart attack.
It's better his wife don't ring the ambulance every time her useless husband forgets to chew his food properly.
Indigestion can sometimes feel like - He didn't need a paramedic.
He needed a burp.
Flo, what first drew you to the life of the medical profession? I like to drive fast without getting points on my licence, cream puff.
Come with me.
'Ello, Harry! And to avoid any confusion about whether there's a suggestion of sex in that instruction, Joe needs help.
You sent me the bloody text.
Ow.
Does anyone ever mistake you for a girl, Harry? No.
Does anyone ever mistake you for one? Harry and me are going to teach you to be ordinary.
But I don't want to be ordinary.
Newton wasn't ordinary.
Did you know he wrote Principia, the greatest science book in history, and then didn't publish it for ten years? The achievement of writing it was enough for him, you see.
He didn't need the accolades of his peers to enjoy his own genius.
Good luck with the er, normal thing.
Right, OK.
Joe, let's role-play.
You are walking down the corridor and Spud is coming towards you.
Er, well, which corridor? Doesn't matter.
If we're method acting I prefer to be able to visualise.
Science corridor, OK? Not getting to you, is he, Gina? No, we're setting the scene, aren't we? Yes.
OK, you're walking down the science corridor and you see Spud - Er, Gina.
What, Joe? Well, there are three corridors in the science block.
Biology, chemistry and physics.
Which one? Biology.
You're walking down the biology corridor and you see Spud.
Um, er, Gina.
What is it now? Spud doesn't do biology.
Told you.
He won't stop until you gnaw your own leg off to escape.
He's not doing biology he's just walking - But Gina.
What, what, what? Sorry, I don't mean to be annoying it's just that the biology corridor connects biology with physics, so it's not a through route to anywhere.
So unless Spud was doing either biology or physics he'd have no reason - What if he were just walking through the corridor to find you so he could kill you?! Ah.
And there we have it.
Now this psychological profile is all very well, Mrs.
Trench.
But I'm not sure of its relevance to this tribunal.
Aren't you Miss O'Rourke's friend? She is a qualified psychologist, you rude dipstick.
Child psychologist.
Child psychologist.
Yes.
Open University.
Oh, the Open University.
Did they teach you to recognise the difference between children and adults at the OU? Yes, I'm sure I read it in a book somewhere.
And which would you say Miss O'Rourke is? That's a tricky one.
Bit of a petulant child sometimes, actually.
Thank you very much for coming in and offering us your highly expert assessment, Mrs.
Trench.
Just try and breathe through it, love.
Don't love me, you incompetent butcher's boy.
Get me some drugs! Have another little toot on the gas and air.
They're sending her straight home again, right? Braxton Hicks.
Not due for a fortnight.
OK, that's it, that's it.
No blood, no ride in the Flobulance.
I'll reverse over the next ingrowing toenail you load on to my vehicle.
It's our vehicle, surely.
My vehicle.
You're my assistant.
Since when? Since I demoted you for being a whingey, white-boy sucker that treats people with overtight shoelaces like they're actually sick.
This is going to be a long shift.
I didn't know what you liked so I bought everything.
Surf Turf and Well, chicken.
Chicken works for me.
Good.
And a double tall skinny latte with cinnamon sprinkles.
Close enough.
Cool.
SoEddie thinks you've got some sort of points system going to qualify as your boyfriend.
He keeps suggesting sappy things I need to do to rack 'em up.
Listen to your friend Eddie, he sounds smart.
What, seriously? Oh, yeah.
OK.
So how am I doing then with this points thing? Very poorly.
You're in the low twenties.
Oh, right.
And what's the target again? A thousand.
A thousand?! So what do I get for rescuing a kitten from a tree? That's five points.
Five? Harsh.
Helping an old lady across the road? Also five points.
Kitten stuck up an old lady? OK, you lose points for smut.
Well, I am taking Dickie out tonight to try and cheer him up.
I could cancel.
You shouldn't.
That right there is 50 points.
How long does this pointy thing last? Well, I wouldn't want to string you along for more than a year because that would just be cruel.
Sorry.
Cock-up.
Meltdown.
Disaster.
Cockmeltsaster.
I wouldn't worry about it.
I think I'm just stressed out about the anniversary.
Nah.
You're just shit at any kind of public speaking and it was my fault for bringing you.
I'm sure they'll see sense.
No, they have to fire me, Babs.
It's either that or, you know, close the whole shelter.
It's OK.
Lillie.
Mm.
Naturally I have great sympathy for the centre given the support you've shown to my family.
When we look after your wife after she's sick of being knocked about.
You're not helping yourself, Miss O'Rourke.
I'd be happy to drop my legal action against the centre as long as I could be sure that people were safe within the grounds.
Now, I'm sure that with treatment and counselling Miss O'Rourke would be able to come to terms with her issues.
I'm just not sure that this is the right environment for that process to take place.
Well, thank you very much for coming in, Mr.
Connelly.
Well, unless anyone has anything else Actually, there's just one thing.
Excuse me.
Oh! Er, no, no.
Stop it.
Argh.
I've been attacked.
I've been assaulted.
The police.
Phone the police.
Mr.
Connelly can dance as well as act.
Oh, my poor back.
Get up and bugger off.
I got my job back.
My crappy, low-paid, high-stress job.
Hello.
So? I won.
Ah, I told you.
Are you home yet? Yeah.
If you can call it home when it stinks of burnt rubber.
Thanks, neighbours! What are you doing? Going to see Joe.
He left his lunchbox.
Then I'm back on call.
If you find him tell him that his mum is the winged angel of justice and that all who cross her will be doomed to humiliating failure.
Maybe you should lie down in case that giant head overbalances you.
See you later.
Bye.
Bye, Lil.
You forgot your lunchbox.
That's not like you.
Dad.
Yeah, Joe.
Gina thinks I should try harder to fit in.
How do you mean, little friend? She thinks I should be less Mm Well, be less Gina's a good girl.
Big heart under the school T-shirts.
She is.
She has.
So what do you think about her idea? I guess I could try, you know.
Fit in more.
Be less Be less Just be less.
Well, try and fit in if you want, Joe.
OK, Dad.
But don't you ever be less.
That'd be a shame.
OK, Dad.
Come here.
I did try.
I put the cover of Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix over Principia.
And yet here you are, a human crossbar.
Apparently any kind of voluntary reading counts.
Spud's playing in the wrong position, of course.
He's got strength and speed and, of course, height but from up here it's clear he's no finisher.
Spud! If he were to draw back and play more of a Rio Ferdinand role he'd change the dynamic of the team.
Oi, Spud! Get yourself over here and I'll show you my tits! Go on, go on.
Aye aye, Spuddy boy.
Afternoon, Gina.
Here I am.
Pop the puppies.
I'm not really going to show you, moron.
But I am going to tell you how to win this game.
Or rather Joe is.
So I ended up the Fabio Capello of the school team.
Watch out for the run-up.
Visualise the line.
Spud's interpretation of my coaching was questionable.
Now interpose physically.
Hit him.
Yes! We still won 5-0.
Good for you, Joey.
Surprising.
But preferable to being clingfilmed to stuff while denying who you are.
I'm not coming.
I'm not in the mood.
WellI'm not in the mood either.
Which is why God made beer.
There you go.
So how is it? It's great.
It's funny that.
Looks like shit from the outside.
I'm a happily married man.
Unfortunatelymy wife isn't.
Does it remind you of Mum and Dad? Not really.
Dad ran off with the woman who dry-cleaned his trousers.
It's not quite the same situation here.
You're a better man than him.
Although your clothes aren't as well pressed.
Come on.
We may as well make a night of it.
It's Dickie and Babs' wedding anniversary today.
You're mistaking me for someone who gives a crap, Edward.
Joe's got something going on at school, Harry and Gina had a fight, Lillie's got an air freshener fetish, Clint and Abbey aren't on the same page.
Don't mistake me for someone who won't stab you if you don't stop whining about your white middle-class relationship dramas.
Shut it! I'm working class.
OK, I'm shutting up right now.
Sohow's What is it you do again? Work.
Oh, I've heard of it.
Yeah.
It is a difficult concept for you to get your head around.
Is it warm enough in the Winnie? Well, it's boiling hot in the day, freezing at night.
Too big to drive, too small to live in.
Other than thatperfect.
Sounds Yeah, sounds nice.
Here, mate.
Keep the change.
Right.
Old Irishmen moaning into their Guinness or young Brazilian girls writhing around in cages? Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
How are you? Ooh, girl's apartment.
Hey, hey, there's no trainers in the hall.
And there's no crayon on the walls.
There's no shapeless Y-fronts on radiators.
We should live here.
We could bypass getting to know each other and go straight for being roomies.
It's a running machine.
And, oh, like a stretchy sort of Pilates device slash sex harness thingy.
I actually think there's not enough room for all three of us, Babs.
Aw.
She was never loyal.
OK, Pimms, wine or vodka? Yes.
Which one? All three, please.
OK.
And then I'll unpack.
Cos then you said, 'Thanks, Mrs Randall.
Just the one'll do for me.
' Do you remember? All right, you've done your duty.
Can I go home now? No.
A) it's too early and B) you haven't got a home to go to anyway.
Do you want a napkin? What for? For the drool.
I'm just concerned about her welfare.
She might be trying to gyrate the letters to let me out, I need a pee.
Abbey would have the same worries if she were here.
Well, she's not.
So I'd rather look at the nice lady trying to shake her bones loose than your miserable face.
What are you doing, Clint? Huh? Most blokes would chop their knobs off to be with Abbey.
Why are we here? Might as well have it chopped off, the amount of action I'm getting.
Why are we here? Might as well have it chopped off, the amount of action I'm getting.
That's a test, fool.
You do know that? Yeah, course I do.
And I intend to pass with flying colours.
I'm looking for likely candidates to lift you out of your anniversary-inflicted gloom.
I'm looking for likely candidates to lift you out of your anniversary-inflicted gloom.
That's why I'm going to talk to the Brazilian with the obvious Brazilian.
For you, brother.
So, is Clint going to get lucky and if so when? And can we have a full written report cos you are the first girl he likes that we like? Not much of an achievement though.
No.
Slappers.
All your predecessors.
All of them.
Yeah.
Not that there have been hundreds.
OK, you have to stop talking now.
Right, absolutely.
Definitely not more than A hundred.
No, I'm not listening.
Seriously though, we joke about Clint but underneath the layers And layers of crappy posing, he is actually all right.
Hello.
Hola.
My brother, the one over there with all the muscles and the face like a smacked arse, would like you to join us for a drink if you get a coffee break from the whole sweaty, frolicking extravaganza.
Do you get a coffee break? Maybe.
And would you care to share it with my brother at all? What about you? What about me? You want a coffee break with me? Well, no, my mission was - Your brother looks sad.
He have sexy muscle but he look like he just get dumped and is not looking to move on.
But you, on the other hand, look married.
Really? Yeah, but you look like dirty fun too.
I like you.
Do you like me? You said brother as a cover maybe? No, no.
No? You don't like me? Well, that's cool.
You're the first man not to like me when I'm nearly naked and covered in sweat.
No, I do like you.
I just wasn't using him as a cover.
I have to dance a little bit more.
Then maybemaybeI get this coffee break.
So, will we marry come springtime? Maybe.
Hey.
There's plenty of rope in the room, Clint.
I'll let you decide if you want to hang yourself with it.
Hey.
Oi.
Dickie, hold on.
Whoa.
I feel like escaping from this prison.
Well, don't you get time off for good behaviour? No.
Only bad.
I drink tequila.
I don't recall you actually answering the question there, Abigail.
What question? Clint, keys, chastity belt.
You know, possible hand-over date.
Nice touch.
Thank you.
Well, you know I'm making him wait a month just to make sure he's not after a quick shag.
Hell, yeah.
That's good.
Ooh, yeah.
I know that Clint has history.
I just can't help feeling that he has heart too.
I suppose the dinner party was quite sweet.
He threw away all, you know, the really quite expensive erotic art that he bought.
So when's the month up? Tomorrow.
In fact, technicallytechnically tonight at midnight.
He doesn't know, does he? Mm-mm.
You should call him.
Yeah? Oh, yeah.
Yes.
We should go.
I just Get out.
Good luck.
Bye.
This is Clint.
Leave me a message.
If you're fit enough I'll call you back.
Your message is wholly juvenile.
I'm just calling to see if you've finished your good Dickie deed.
Give me a call.
Bye.
Stop, stop, stop.
Just kissing, yeah? Interesting.
Yeah.
Yeah, haven't you heard? That's all the rage these days.
You're in love with someone but she's not putting out.
Look, I I have to get out of here.
Can I drop you off somewhere? Why don't we go back to your place? I want to show this girl how to give you a regular despunk.
Just kidding.
Drop me off on your way home to life of monk.
164, 164.
Emergency West 10.
You said you wanted a real patient.
I thought about taking a bus.
But I kept falling over sideways.
Didn't want to squash the other passengers.
That's OK, Charlie.
Just try not to talk, eh? I don't want to be any trouble.
Scared of your partner.
Pretend it's serious.
She's not too hot on the medical stuff.
We can fool her.
Right, OK.
OK.
So.
So.
Up-and-coming area.
Do you want to be up-and-coming again? I forget, what's her thing? Grade four astrocytic brain tumour.
Late stage.
Ed? Yeah? Do you think she could slow down a tiny bit? Does the rocking hurt? No, no.
It's just that smell.
Smell? Of burningrubber.
I'll get her to cool it a bit.
Charlie? Yeah? Have you smelt that smell before? The burning rubber.
Yeah.
There's a junkyard near my flat, I think.
Although I've never found it.
Bastards are always burning stuff.
I don't want to be a fuss but do you have anything for the pain? My head hurtsa little.
Move on, Dickster.
This time it's, like, serious.
Yes.
Please call me back.
It's not really fair.
I've not really done - The only thing wrong with me is I'm with an Olympic standard old woman.
The best way to prove it is to take a few tests.
You're pretty for an undercover cop.
Natalie.
Sex is war.
Us versus them.
Invasion, occupation, subjugation.