Mary & Jane s01e03 Episode Script

1 Would your friend Alyssa like this bedazzled bong? For a bridal shower? Yeah.
You were thinking of a bachelorette party.
Yeah, well See, this is how it starts.
Alyssa's the first to get engaged.
Now it's nothing but bridal showers and weddings for the rest of my 20s.
I'm not even close to being in a relationship let alone one that would lead to a marriage.
So what? Marriage is the boringest.
You have to wake up next to the same person for the rest of your life, yech.
Do you know how many different ways I woke up this week? Monday, I woke up next to an investment banker.
Tuesday, I woke up next to our mailwoman.
Tuesday afternoon, I woke up next to our mailman.
You get mail twice a day? Yeah, if they know I'm home, we do.
Girl, this is the era of fluidity.
There are seven billion people on this planet.
No repeats.
Well, you know, statistically, six billion of those people have STDs.
Ewf, HPV's the new black.
Are you sure we can't just skip this party? Oh, I can't not go.
I've been friends with Alyssa since, like, forever.
What's that Mama J, how you living? Heightened and enlightened.
I love seeing you girls in here.
You know what? I have something very special for my two favorite customers.
Lube.
It has weed in it.
- Ohh - Oh, you shoulda started with that.
Now this is not your ordinary everyday weed lube.
No.
This legendary lube is made from a rare Egyptian plant.
And it gives you a high that is so amazing, you are able to connect with your inner self.
Mm-hmm.
Powerful women from Cleopatra to Coco Chanel to Amy Poehler have used its effects to guide them.
Wow, I've heard of one of those women.
Mm-hmm.
Uh it comes with two warnings.
Important warnings.
One: Only use a tiny drop.
And two: Don't feed it after midnight.
Okay, three warnings, got it.
Hey, hi! I'm so glad to see you! Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you, hey, Jordan.
- Hi.
Oh, this whole bride thing is exhausting.
Everyone is so happy for me and toasting me and giving me presents.
I mean, the thank you notes, eh! How are you? Are you dating anyone? Well I can't imagine what it's like out there.
It seems impossible to meet someone.
Listen, I'm trying really hard to find enough single guests to make a table at my wedding.
But if I can't, are you okay sitting at the kids' table? I mean, it's just that no one else is single.
Yeah! Oh, the caterers put the strawberry brownie kebabs in the wrong order.
It's brownie, then strawberry, then brownie! I mean She is awful! If you call her a friend and you call me a friend, I want a new title Captain.
Well, there's no way I'm gonna make it through this party.
(whispering) How much weed do you have? Ah, dammit.
Literally, the first time you've ever asked to get high without it being my idea and I'm not holding.
Your captain has failed you.
You can demote me back to friend.
Oh, wait, I forgot about our special guest.
Desperate times.
I don't feel anything! Me neither, we need more.
Mama J said just a drop.
Yeah, but that is for normal people, Paige.
We are professional drug dealers, we need way more.
Well, don't use all of it.
Ooh, I feel like that weed lube's starting to kick in.
Oh, my God, I'm so high.
Paige, Paige? What did you do to me? Paige, can you overdose on weed lube? Paige! Are you there? Jordan, I don't mean to sound full-on "Bananas in Pyjamas" here, but I think I just got so high that I can hear my Vagina? Me too.
Isn't it awesome? I can't believe we finally get to talk.
Me and my OTP living the dream.
There is so much I wanna tell you! Where do we even start? - Ahh! - Oh! (screaming) Ahh! (all screaming) Say baby what's your name? Are you the one, Mary? Are you Jane? Jordan, what is going on? Did you hear Alyssa? It's impossible to meet someone.
What if she's right? We should Tinder right now.
No, go to a bar.
Let's Tinder at a bar right now! Go! Dude, calm down.
You can hear mine? Can we go be alone somewhere? (gasping) I can hear yours.
This is Grandma Agnes.
She's very tired.
It's usually her nap time.
If you had an all-night orgy at Twilight Meadows, you'd be tired too.
Five orgasms but no one could remember the Goddamn safe word.
What was it? Giraffe? Bagel? (all) We can hear hers? I wanna grow my hair out.
What's in, landing strip, disco bush? Why aren't we wearing underwear? It's freezing in here.
Great, another party with all girls.
Is a penis ever gonna come to visit? It's been 37 days, we're definitely pregnant.
Nice, another party with all girls, score.
(all) We can hear everyone's.
You knew this was going to happen? Of course, I did, my loves.
You shoulda heard yourselves this morning.
You need to take advantage of this opportunity and listen to your true inner voice.
I mean, okay, but why do we need to hear other women's areas.
Other people's? That's not how it works.
How much did you use? Half a bottle each.
And maybe we fed it, but not after midnight.
It's always after midnight.
Ladies, there were only two warnings.
This is uncharted territory.
Hang up! We were masturbating.
I gotta go, I was masturbating.
Damn, I love that woman's honesty.
Jordan, I cannot make it through the shower like this.
Is that a dog bowl? Is there a dog? Do you know what it's like when a dog nose comes right up at you? You're wearing a romper! Oh, God, oh, God! Oh, my God, no wonder you're stressed out.
Paige?! It's almost your turn to spin the Bride is Right wheel.
Coming! Don't worry, it'll probably wear off soon.
And in the meantime, I'm gonna go catch up with little Jordie.
(loud sigh) Shall we? After you.
And even though the lasagna was completely burned, he still ate the whole thing and pretended that he loved it.
Ohh And I just knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man.
And then we spent all night with his perfect penis.
There's a perfect penis? We've never seen a perfect penis?! Shh! Paige, you're up.
Ooh Land on sex toy gift bag! I don't care what I land on.
Proposal story, again? (laughing) Okay, so we were having our usual Sunday picnic at the park.
Next thing I knew I was surrounded by puppies and all of his co-workers You're next.
Soon, we'll be doing your wedding shower.
Oh, stop, she has plenty of time.
She's got a month before those ovaries start to look like Detroit.
She's right, you should just burn me down for the insurance! I'm fine, I'm still young, I'm in my early 20s.
Mid-20s! Honeydew? Hot toddy? No, that was our Christmas orgy safe word.
Cheers to all the good times.
To that Uber driver with the piano fingers who earned his 4-1/2 stars.
To the WNBA chick who didn't fit in my bed.
So we called her tallsey.
To Megan Fox.
This is actually what I wanted to talk to you about.
I'm tired of the constant parade of partners, Jordan.
It's nonstop.
Wait, you're kidding, right? We're living our 20s the way everybody dreams of living their 20s.
You're my vagina.
It's the best gig in the world.
Is it? Remember that guy from the surf shop who was taking all those garlic pills? You wouldn't kiss him, but you let him stay down here breathing on me for an hour.
Oh, now I know why that took us so long.
It's like a revolving door down here.
I don't know who's coming at me or what's coming at me half the time! Okay, calm down.
I'm a delicate (bleep) flower! I need a break! Okay, I'm I'm sorry, Va-Jordan, hey.
I had no idea.
I'll I'll be more considerate.
Okay, cool, thank you.
I'm really glad we talked about that.
Me too.
You're my sis.
Do you wanna go back in there and listen to some other poonanas? Can we park next to Grandma Agnes? Course, obviously.
I wanna know what that safe word was at Twilight Meadows.
What if it takes us too long to find a guy? And we marry too late and we can't have babies? What if we can have babies? Oh, God! You want me to push a human body through my face?! Shut up! Shut the (bleep) up! Oh, hey, Lindsay! Nice to see you.
Hey, girl.
She's totally acting weird.
She knows what we did.
She knows we slept with the groom.
Oh, my God, we shouldn't have come today.
(gasping) (gasping) (gasping) It's time for the relationship advice cards.
So, think of your past relationship experiences and write down your best piece of advice for the bride.
We know what she did! We have to tell Alyssa.
I can't.
Honey, you don't have to full out the card if you don't know what to say.
I can tell you what to write.
I can tell you what to write.
Shh sure, sure can.
My sister Ellen never married.
She had a very full life.
Oh? Until she choked to death in her apartment because there was no one else there to give her the Heimlich.
Just her cats.
Can't you see you're making Paige upset? She has to be around all this happiness and reminders that I found love when she hasn't even been in a serious relationship.
That must be awful.
You don't have to write one.
(scoffs) Hey, I like those sausages.
But I'm in the mood for something a little more attached to a person.
What are you doing after this party wraps up? Say, 4:00 in the afternoon? Number, please.
(beeps) (sighs) Really? What the shit, Jordan! What? Did our little talk mean nothing to you? I told you I needed a break! Easy, V.
You're never gonna change.
I'm sick of this.
It's over! I don't understand.
No, seriously, I don't understand.
What do you mean it's over? Girl, what is happening? You can't just break up with me.
Wait, can you? Hello? V! Don't be mad.
Don't you touch me! (Whitney Houston) And I P! I need you to talk to my vagina for me.
No? Please! She's giving me the silent treatment.
Tell her she can't break up with me.
What how did you What am I supposed to even I don't know.
You're just better at this relationship stuff, please? Hey, Jordan's, little Jordan? Listen, your person is a really good person.
Oh, you don't have to be weird about it.
You can stand up and talk to her.
I do not have time for this right now.
I am freaking out, okay? I just did something awful.
I heard from Lindsay's vagina, that she slept with the groom.
And I wrote it on all of Alyssa's relationship advice cards.
And now she's gonna read it in front of everybody.
Yeah, thanks, that makes me feel a lot better.
We gotta get that card back! Yeah, you gotta get that card back.
Shit! Shit! And I Hey! What about me?! My vagina broke up with me.
(chatter) Hey, ladies, they're about to play How Well Do You Know the Bride in the living room.
Better hurry.
There are prizes, good luck! Bye.
"Don't go to bed angry.
" "Don't go to bed angry.
" Don't these women have one piece of original advice? Oh.
(Alyssa) We're about to read the advice cards.
(gasping) Ahh! Oh! What are you doing? Uh Seriously, in all caps, WTF.
A bird.
What? A bird, a bird flew in that window and knocked over this candle.
And then before you knew it, all your advice cards were on fire and I really tried to save them but you'd be surprised at how flammable paper is.
But don't you worry.
You need new relationship advice cards.
I am on it, girl.
Ladies! Where's the bird? Yes, Shane, tonight's the night.
Uh, my place, I guess? I have my dorm room to myself this weekend.
Can't we just go to the movies? I don't think I'm ready.
Okay, see you tonight.
(beeps) (sighs) Hey, can I give you some advice? If there's any part of you that doesn't feel ready, you should listen to that voice.
Trust me, you don't want your vagina to be made at you.
What happened to the card I already filed out? It had really good advice.
"Never go to bed angry".
A bird blew in the window and knocked over a candle.
Really? That's so strange.
What did it look like? A bird?! That's what we went with? Um, it was white, big wingspan, yellow beak.
Sounds like an albatross.
Yup, exactly, that is what it was, thank you.
How did it even get in here? All of the windows have screens.
Lies, all lies! I think I'm gonna puke.
Um, it well, you know, scratch that.
It was actually a much smaller inland bird, um, kind of like a bat.
Ew, gross, bats have diseases.
She's right, was it near the food? My triple berry cake.
I had to preorder it five months ago.
That cake has rabies! Throw it out, throw all the food out! No, I'm, I'm the bird, the bat, I mean There's not a bird or a bat, it was me.
I burned the cards.
Why would you do that? It just God, seeing all of this and everything you have going for you.
I don't know, I kind of lost it.
There is a huge part of me that is so happy for you.
But then there's this whole part of me that's kind of freaking out, and to tell you the truth, I wish I was a bigger person.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I took it out on you and ruined what should be a truly special day in your life.
I hope you can forgive me because you are my friend, and you deserve your happy ending.
Well, you have a weird way of showing it.
Hey! Paige is being very brave.
Okay, she is being honest.
I think a lot of us try to pretend that everything's perfect when on the inside, we feel like we're a mess.
Some of us are unsure about our relationships or can't remember our safe word.
Some of us know we're just a 1:00 a.
m.
booty call, but we're afraid that we can't do any better.
You can.
Some of us can't remember when sex used to be fun, and others of us have like way too much sex.
And then others of us have non-vagina related problems I'm not aware of right now.
But the only thing we're doing wrong is thinking that we have to go through all this stuff alone.
You're right.
I brag about my perfect life but the truth is I'm terrified.
In one month I'll stand in front of everyone and say I do.
When really I don't know.
Wow, it does feel really good to finally be honest.
I'm so sorry, Paige.
(all) Aww Oh.
I cut the size tags off my jeans and switch them for smaller ones.
I've stolen 42 towels from my gym.
You're getting some for your wedding.
I tell everyone my dog is a rescue.
I need people to tell me I'm a good person.
Sometimes I don't like people's Instagrams on purpose.
I like what's going on in, in everybody's lives, but I don't want them to know it.
I slept with Mikey.
(all gasping) Right after Dion and I broke up, it was only one time.
It was that month when you guys split up.
I didn't know you were gonna get back together.
I feel terrible, I'm so sorry.
I know.
He told me months ago.
Oh.
We got past it and I forgive you.
Not the most ideal timing, but I'm glad you were able to tell me.
(all) Aww Aww We're Vagina Whisperers.
So, you don't mind if we wait? Cool.
Oh, I'll totally still do that.
And that thing you did on the ski trip? When we were in the hot tub all night Hey, where should we meet up later? Sorry, dude, I can't.
Did you suddenly get 4:00 p.
m.
plans? Yes, I did.
With someone very special and I'm letting her call the shots.
So, plans are whatever she feels like.
That sounds not at all made up.
Did you mean that? Of course.
Listen, Venetian, I'm sorry.
I hear you, I do, I'll change, promise.
Let's just never fight again, okay? Okay.
I just wanted to be heard.
And I'm not saying no sex.
But you know, let's be picky.
Yeah, like every other person.
Maybe every third person.
Meet in the middle.
Hey, when we get home, I'm gonna make you the sickest bubble bath.
Girl, you know I love them purple bubbles.
Oh, it's gonna be nothing but purple bubbles for you.
You're gonna be smelling like lavender for weeks! Paige? Oh, no, you're fading.
It's wearing off.
You did good today.
And I've decided I'm not worried about us.
There's plenty of time and so much love to experience like Italian guys.
(gasping) Can we please try out some Italian guys? We're gonna be fine.
We'll find our perfect fit.
Like Cinderella and her slipper.
Only don't put a shoe up me, that's gross.
I will ever put a shoe in you.
Ready to go? Hey, you know, maybe monogamy isn't the poison laced bear trap I always thought it was.
I mean, you and I have been together for a while, and I'm not sick of you yet.
Was that a proposal? If anyone proposed it would be you.
In what world? You would totally propose to me.
You know, I'm actually a little sad the lube wore off.
I miss her.
They're still with us.
They'll always be right here.