M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e03 Episode Script

[ P.
A.
:Swing Music .]
[ Klinger.]
Attention, all personnel.
All shifts report to operating room.
All shifts.
On the double.
Attention, all personnel.
All shifts report to operating room.
All shifts.
On the double.
Come on.
Take a card.
- Come on.
Make a play, will ya? - Hold your colon, Doctor.
You were saving queens and throwing spades, right? Gin.
That's 470,000 you owe me.
- Will you take a check? - Oh! I'm sorry.
Excuse me, Doctors.
I wasn't looking.
I'm doing enough looking for us both.
- You want to try that again? Two out of three falls? - I don't believe we've met.
What are you doing after the war? Hey, wait a minute! [ Chattering .]
Okay, there it is.
Yeah.
Good.
- Is he out? - The switch is off.
Anytime you're ready.
- Right.
Nurse? - Yes, Doctor? - That's "Yes, Doctor, darling.
" - Yes, Doctor, darling.
Stand by with the clamp.
UglyJohn, give me a reading on his pulse.
- Sixty-eight and steady.
- Okay.
Scalpel.
Hey, I like that.
Very good slap.
Good.
- All right.
Let me have the- - Scissors.
Terrific.
- Sponge.
- Sponge.
- Pickups.
- Pickups.
- Kiss.
- What? Surprise me.
Make a note of that.
I want him put on report.
Disrespectful behavior.
She's a new one.
I'll take care of her.
We work very well together.
Why don't we get a few casualties of our own and go into business for ourselves? Did you have to mobilize the duodenum? Yeah.
I thought there might be a retro-peritoneal perforation.
There was a large hematoma in the area.
- Do you two want to be alone? - Yeah, but not necessarily with each other.
No, really, I can move.
I'll say you can.
Pay no mind to my friend here.
He majored in crudeness at med school.
Med school? Before I was drafted, I was a transmission mechanic.
If you're free later, I'll be glad to put you up on my lift.
- Nurse Cutler, report to my office.
- Now? - Now.
- Yes, sir- I mean, yes, ma'am.
Dismissed.
At least she didn't have any trouble figuring out your sex.
- My sex is none of your business.
-Just say the word.
You stay away from my nurses.
They're off-limits to you.
- That's an order.
- I think she's trying to tell us something.
You can forget about Nurse Cutler.
I'll see to that.
That's your basic Hot Lips.
I knew a girl like her back in my hometown.
Her name was Rover.
Look, I don't know about you, but 12 straight hours of surgery has me whipped.
- I'm gonna sack out for a few weeks.
- My very thought.
I'm so tired, my eyes keep slamming shut.
I'm going to check on some X rays, then I'll see you back at "The Swamp"? Gotcha.
For me? Only if you put those on.
That was a pretty short nap.
I thought you were going to bed for a week.
I was, but I didn't say where, did I? What about you? This is strictly business.
I'm making a house call.
It must be obvious even to a moral defective like yourself that we're both zeroed in on the same girl, right? Right, only I have a solution: We'll share her.
One girl, two straws? You take the day watch, and I'll take the night.
-Unpacking? Let us help.
-We're awfully glad you picked our unit.
- We're not as large as some of the others, but we are friendly.
- Very friendly.
- Actually, we never met a nurse we didn't like.
- Doctors, I am- Why don't we give this to the bellboy, and let us go to the river and watch the submarine races.
I have a better idea.
You go to the river and watch us wave good-bye to you.
I am not unpacking.
I'm packing.
All mixed-up.
Doesn't know whether she's coming or going.
Darling, packing is for leaving.
To stay you have to "un.
" I've been transferred to another unit.
- Transferred? - Major Houlihan says I'm a bit of a distraction.
-What a rotten thing to say.
-Yeah.
You're an incredible distraction.
We're not giving you up.
You're the best thing to hit this place since dry socks.
But what can I do about it? - Put yourself in our hands.
- Actually, these go on your legs.
Would 'twere that I were they.
- Thank you, Radar.
- Sign these, sir.
- What are these? - Papers.
- Blank papers? - Yes, sir.
- Is that a good idea? - It's to cut down on your workload.
You sign them now, later you don't have to bother.
But should I have really signed blank papers? I can't answer that.
You're the one that signed them, I didn't.
- I'm not gonna sign blank pieces of paper.
- [ Ringing .]
- 4077 MASH.
- I don't even know what I'm signing when they're not blank.
- Oh, hi.
Uh-huh.
- Fool Army, papers, double-talk, red tape, - Pretty good.
- sign this, sign that.
It's a little rough, but we're not complaining.
Who? Yeah, he's here.
- It's for you.
- Blank paper- Who is it? - General Barker.
- Who- General- Yes, sir.
Oh, fine, General.
A little rough, but we're not complaining.
Yes, sir.
A what? A boxing tournament? Well, sir, the main sport in this outfit is avoiding calisthenics.
No, sir.
Yes, sir.
I'll do my best.
- Will that be all, General? - Say good-bye for me.
- Hmm? - Say good-bye for me? Radar says to say, uh- Uh, g-good-bye, General.
I have enough to do.
Well, well.
Dr.
Jekyll and Dr.
Jekyll.
Henry, we gotta ask you something.
- Answer's no.
- Don't you wanna know what it is? Whatever it is, even if the answer's yes, it's no.
Hot Lips has transferred Lieutenant Margie Cutler, - one of our most dedicated and best-built nurses.
- Hold it right there.
Major Houlihan is in complete charge of the nursing staff, and I can't interfere.
The young lady happens to be a sensational surgical assistant.
- She's got two of the best - I'm sure.
hands I've ever seen.
Don't let her go, Henry.
- Real talent in the operating room is hard to find.
- I know.
Henry, if you say no, we'll tell everybody that your brother's in jail.
- My brother is a warden.
- We won't say that part.
Now, lay off! Haven't I got enough static with General Barker on my back? - What's he want? - Yeah.
Maybe we can help.
No, you can't help.
I mean, there's nothing that you could contribute to this problem.
- Ah, I detect a gleam.
- I heard a loud click.
One could almost see the lightbulb over his head.
Speak.
What is it? Okay.
General Barker is all hot - about this inter-unit boxing tournament, - Yeah? and he wants us to put up a boxer.
- [ Laughs .]
Now, that's funny.
- Maybe we could make one out of spare parts.
He's serious, and he's giving me a bad time about it.
Why don't you get whoever fought last year? I can't.
She's gone.
- Anyway, Barker's got this boy, - Yeah? - thinks he can win the championship.
- So? - So he's bringing him here for his first fight.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, if, uh, one of you two guys would, say, go three rounds with him, I'll see what I can do about getting Nurse Cutler back for you.
- [ Mutters .]
- See ya around, Henry.
- You sure? - Yeah.
We'll just find something nice and easy to do, like shagging shells.
[ Both Laughing, Chattering .]
Just a thought.
[ Sighs .]
[ Trapper Laughing .]
Some war.
[ Laughing .]
[ Vehicle Approaching .]
Bye, Doctors.
Thanks a lot, Hot Lips.
- Hey, do that again.
- What? - Smack your fist.
- You mean that? - It hurts my ears.
What a crunch.
- Save it.
- Save what? - Don't hustle me 'cause I'm not fighting anybody.
- That's a shame.
I bet you're a natural.
- I fought in school.
- As a matter of fact, I was very good.
- I knew it.
- But I'm not in shape.
- Who says you're not in shape? You got a cute body.
I've seen guys sneaking peeks at you at calisthenics.
Which guys are sneaking peeks at me? I'd rather not say.
Some of them are married.
Look, stop snowing me.
You fight him.
I'd love to.
I was on the boxing team in college too.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, but I threw my- I threw my shoulder out.
It never came back.
Actually, I'm in pain most of the time.
I don't like to burden my friends.
Look.
- Do we want to get Nurse Cutler back or not? - Yes.
All right.
Okay.
[ Sighs .]
You really got a bad shoulder? [ Sighs .]
The result of being spineless.
Ahh! -Wait a minute.
I don't know about this.
-What do you mean? He's got a manager and everything.
Come on, Radar.
It's just a little sparring.
Nobody's gonna get hurt.
- No, I'm not gonna do it.
Not for a lousy five bucks.
- How about ten? Pay up now? All right.
This is just a practice fight.
I want you to get loose.
Just keep dancing around.
Keep your left up.
Jab! Jab,jab, Trap! Jab! He's just loosening up.
He's gotta get in shape.
- [ Grunting .]
- It takes a while, you know, to get back in shape, get all your old stuff back.
He's gotta get his wind back and everything.
I'll write his wife.
Don't listen to him.
Just keep moving.
Keep hanging in there.
Keep your left up.
Up.
Up with the left.
Move, Trapper.
Oh, hi, Father.
I trained a number of boys to box back home.
You got any advice for Trapper? Prayer- I don't think he's got one.
Thanks a lot, Father.
[ Groans .]
Once again, double or nothing? A glass stomach? Let's go! Pick those legs up! Breathe deeply! Run! Move it! I'm tired, Hawkeye! How far have I run? Thirty feet.
That'll do it.
I figure to punch him, not run him to death.
Now put more shoulder into it.
Use your whole body.
Try it again.
Try it again.
Oh, good morning, Major.
Good morning, Captain.
I'm afraid I can't ask you to stay.
My boy's in training, and he's not even supposed to look at a women until after the fight.
Oh.
Oh, I understand.
Just a minute.
Isn't that Frank's bag? I thought you were Frank's bag.
Oh! [ Sighs .]
How's it goin'? We decided to have a victory drink now in case there's no need to later.
- Care to join us? - Oh, yeah.
Anything wrong? General Barker just pulled in with his fighter.
- Looks real big.
- How big? If he wanted to, he could be a platoon.
- Looks kind of mean too.
- Mean? What's does "mean" mean? "Mean" means nothing.
It's skill that counts.
Big and mean have nothing to do with fighting ability.
A guy told me that he was crossing the road, and this jeep came too close to him.
- He punched it.
- He punched a jeep? He knocked it out.
Hawkeye, this guy knocks out jeeps! Showboat.
[ Punching .]
You're not getting in the ring with that guy until I hear him speak.
This fight has just been called on account of chicken.
We are not gonna throw in the towel.
I'm ready to throw in the whole laundry truck.
This ape will never lay a glove on you.
Trust me.
You won't even have to touch him.
I'll go down during the instructions.
A little obvious.
I got a better idea.
Come on.
I don't think I want to risk my life on a dumb trick like this.
I know what I'm doing.
I pulled this same stunt in university.
- Use more.
Use a lot.
- I still say we should use a horseshoe.
A horseshoe is gauche.
Ether is subtle.
Then let's dip the horseshoe in ether.
Right.
Now, the thing you gotta do is you gotta jab.
Right? Keep jabbing, jab,jab,jabbing.
Right? - Six, seven whiffs, he'll be out cold.
- Great.
The thing to remember is not to get it near your own hooter.
- Don't get it near your own nose, or you're dead.
- Get him in a clinch.
- That's it.
- Get him in that clinch, and just hold it- - Hold it right in his nose.
Get him so he can't move.
- How is the guy gonna- He's gonna inhale it.
He'll never know what hit him.
Just keep it right there.
Keep him in a clinch so he can't move, and all he can do is- Way to go, champ.
[ Henry .]
Third round, Sugar Ray breaks the man's face.
He broke his nose, broke his jaw, sinuses.
The guy's a mess.
Gentlemen, may I join you? - Please, Frank, not while we're eating.
- What kidders.
- Well, what happened? - The guy never went down.
- Ten-hut! - As you were.
Mclntyre, I don't believe you've met Sergeant Flacker.
Easy.
Me doctor.
Need hands.
Operate.
Hey, Henry, can we rustle up some steaks for the sergeant, huh? - Oh, yes, sir.
- Good.
Come on.
Come on, boy.
You better hurry up, Henry.
He looked at your arm like it was an hors d'oeuvre.
Dittsbury, you wanna go out and get Flacker a cow? Listen, are you sure that Nurse Cutler's worth it? - I really don't want you to get hurt.
- Hurt? What would you say if I told you that Trapper is gonna win that fight? All right.
Okay.
Down, Henry.
Down.
I'm sorry, but you mean Trapper beat that gorilla? [ Henry Laughing .]
That's ether.
A little louder.
The cook didn't hear you.
- It's not very ethical.
- It's not even moral, but we're in a war zone.
Yeah, well, I don't want to know about it.
I mean, I love it- But I don't want to know about it.
[ All Cheering .]
[ All Booing .]
- Where is it? You sure you got it? - It's in the bucket.
- I'll put it on right after the introductions.
- Make sure you use enough.
I don't want this guy waking up until after I've been a civilian for a few years.
- Did you get it? - Nothing but pure distilled water.
Say, you wouldn't be averse to laying a small bet on the outcome, would you? - No, sir.
- What do you say to a hundred? - Dollars? - Yes.
- You got it.
- Good.
[ Ringing .]
Good evening and welcome to the Inter-Camp Boxing Tournament.
Introducing the contestants.
In this corner, representing the 3099th Mobile Army Hospital, weighing 260 pounds, with a record of 97 wins, no losses and three arrests: Sergeant "Killer" Flacker! [ Crowd Booing .]
Boo! - Boo! -[ General .]
Hooray! And in this corner, representing the fighting 4077 th, weighing 175 pounds, all of it heart: Kid Doctor! [ All Cheering .]
All right, fellas.
I want a good, clean fight.
[ Trapper .]
Who doesn't? [ Father .]
No low blows, no holding, no rabbit punches, no kidney punches.
Sounds like a dull evening.
Go back to your corners, and when you hear the bell, come out fighting.
And may the best man win.
You be careful you don't breathe in any of this stuff yourself.
Keep the glove away.
[ Bell Rings .]
[ Crowd Shouting .]
[ Hawkeye .]
Stick it in his face! [ Indistinct Shouting .]
Put it in his face! Put the glove in his face! Put it in his face! That's a pretty unorthodox style your boy has there.
- He's still on his feet.
- Maybe you'd like to double that bet.
- If you insist, General.
- Good.
[ Hawkeye Shouting .]
Put it right in his face! Put it- Get him in a clinch! Put it up in there! What's he doing? Get it in his face! [ Hawkeye .]
Get it up in his face! Get it up in his face! Stick it in his face! What's the matter with you? Keep it comin' in.
[ Woman .]
Get up! Get up! -[ Hawkeye .]
Get up, Trapper! Trap, get up! - One, two, - three, four- - Hello, Hawkeye.
- What are you doing at the prom? - We've been had.
Somebody switched bottles on us.
- six, seven, - You stall him.
I'll be right back.
- No, you stall him.
I'll be right back.
- eight.
[ Crowd Cheering .]
[ Crowd Shouting .]
-[ Trapper Grunts .]
- Oh, no! -Get up! Get up! -Get up, Trap! Trap, get up! Come on! - three, four, - Get up! Pull yourself up! - five.
- Get up! [ Bell Rings .]
You're okay.
You're okay.
You're okay.
- Where am I? - You're right here in the ring.
Now for the big question: Who am I? Everything is gonna be all right.
Don't waste any time.
Get him in a clinch and stick this right in his face.
- Whose face? -[ Bell Rings .]
[ Woman .]
Come on! Go! Get him in a clinch! That's it! Hug him! Get him in a- That's it! Stick it in his face! Get him- - That's it! That's it! - [ Sniffing .]
-[ Crashing .]
- [ Cheering .]
One, two, three, four- [ Screaming .]
- six, seven, -[ Screaming Continues .]
eight, nine ten.
[ Bell Ringing .]
You did it.
- How does it feel? - Hard to see through.
Well, I couldn't get a prescription steak.
You want a martini? - My very thought.
-[ Door Opens .]
Oh, here's something for both eyes.
Gentlemen, well, you lived up to your part of the deal, and I have lived up to mine.
Keep moving, or you're dead.
- It's true.
You fought for me.
- That's right.
I must say I'm impressed.
- I should hope so.
- I managed him.
Does it hurt? Not a lot, no.
I laid out his training.
You think it's easy planning strategy and standing in the corner wondering if he'll ever come home? I would have fought myself, but I had this shoulder injury in college and- it never got better.
I, uh- I try not to burden my friends with it, uh, actually.