Master i Margarita (2005) s01e03 Episode Script
Part 3
Mikhail Afanasievich Bulgakov PART THREE The Master and Margarita Doctor Stravinsky! Like Pontius Pilate! Here They wrote the whole dissertation "Sic transit gloria mundi" schizophrenia And he knew that, too! You are a poet? A poet! You are a professor? And you're the chief here? I must speak with you! That is what I'm here for The thing is that I've been got up as a madman! and nobody wants to listen to me! Oh, no, we shall hear you out with great attention and by no means allow you to be got up as a madman.
Listen, then! yesterday evening I met a mysterious person at the Patriarch's Ponds maybe a foreigner maybe not, who knew beforehand about Berlioz's death and has seen Pontius Pilate in person.
Pilate?! The Pilate who lived in the time of Jesus Christ? The same.
And this Berlioz, your friend, died under a tram-car? Precisely, he's the one who in my presence was killed by a tram-car yesterday at the Ponds and this same mysterious citizen The acquaintance of Pontius Pilate? Precisely him! Well, so he said beforehand that Annushka had spilled the sunflower oil And he slipped right on that place! How do you like that? And who is this Annushka? Annushka is of absolutely no importance here! Devil knows who she is.
Just some fool from Sadovaya! What's important is that he knew beforehand, you see, beforehand about the sunflower oil! Do you understand me? Perfectly Don't get excited, just continue.
To continue so, then, this horrible type and he's lying that he's a consultant! has some extraordinary power.
For instance, you chase after him and it's impossible to catch up with him And then there's also a little pair with him good ones, too, but in their own way some long one in broken glasses and, besides him a cat of incredible size who rides the tram all by himself And besides! he was personally on Pontius Pilate's balcony there's no doubt of it! So what is all this, eh? He must be arrested immediately otherwise he'll do untold harm! So you're trying to get him arrested? Have I understood you correctly? Quite correctly And how could I not be trying, just consider for yourself! And meanwhile I've been forcibly detained here they poke lamps into my eyes, give me baths question me for some reason about my Uncle Fedya! And he died long ago.
I demand to be released immediately! Well, there, very nice, very nice! Now everything's clear Really what's the sense of keeping a healthy man in a clinic? I'll check you out of here right now if you tell me you're normal.
Not prove, but merely tell So, then, are you normal? I am normal! Well, how very nice and if so, let's reason logically Let's take your day yesterday You hung a little icon on your chest.
Did you? I did! Showed up in a restaurant with a candle, in nothing but underwear, and beat somebody Right? Right! Having come here, you called the police and asked them to send out machine-guns.
Then you attempted to throw yourself out the window The question is: can one, by acting in such fashion, catch or arrest anyone? And if you're a normal man, you yourself will answer: by no means! You wish to leave here? Very well, sir, But allow me to ask, where are you going to go? To the police, of course! And what will you tell the police to start with? About Pontius Pilate! Fyodor Vassilyevich please check Citizen Homeless out for town But don't put anyone in his room or change the linen.
In two hours.
Citizen Homeless will be back here.
On what grounds will I be back here? On the grounds that as soon as you show up at the police station in your drawers and tell them you've seen a man who knew Pontius Pilate personally, you'll instantly be brought here! What have drawers got to do with it? It's mainly Pontius Pilate.
But the drawers, too.
But he has to be caught Do you understand?! But why should you go running around yourself? Explain all your suspicions and accusations against this man on paper Nothing could be simpler than to send your declaration to the proper quarters, But only on one condition don't strain your head, and try to think less about Pontius Pilate.
People say all kinds of things.
One mustn't believe everything.
Understood! I ask to be given pen and paper.
Fyodor Vassilyevich Give him paper and a short pencil.
Yes, and try oxygen and baths.
Write a petition Comrade Bosoy asking to assign the apartment of the deceased Berlioz chairman, I promise to Write a petition it's impossible to live in the same apartment with bandits A petition! Citizen Kvasov stole my dumplings, tucked them directly into the jacket! Write a petition! I say I'm going to kill myself! Write a petition! A petition! Comrade Bosoy I confess I'm secretly pregnant! so I have a claim to the deceased's living space! A petition! You have business with me? comrade? And who might you be, citizen? Hah! Nikanor Ivanovich! what luck! Excuse me but who might you be? Are you an official person? Eh, Nikanor Ivanovich! What are official and unofficial persons? It all depends on your point of view on the subject.
It's all fluctuating and relative, Nikanor Ivanovich.
Today I'm an unofficial person, and tomorrow, lo and behold, I'm an official one! And it also happens the other way round oh, how it does! Yes, but who might you be? What's your name? My name, well, let's say it's Koroviev.
But wouldn't you like a little snack, Nikanor Ivanovich! No formalities, eh! What have snacks got to do with it? Sitting in the deceased's half is not permitted! What are you doing here? I if you please, serve as interpreter for a foreign individual who has taken up residence in this apartment! A foreign artiste, Mr.
Woland, had been kindly invited by the director of the Variety, Stepan Bogdanovich Likhodeev, to spend the time of his performances, in his apartment he had written you yesterday requesting that you register the foreigner as a temporary resident while Likhodeev himself took a trip to Yalta.
He didn't write me anything.
How could he not write? Just look through your briefcase Never wrote me! At the top third page! There How could I have forgotten about it? And when is Likhodeev going to Yalta? I'm here He's already gone, gone! He's already devil knows where! Nikanor Ivanovich! Because Mr.
Woland have no desire to live in a hotel, and is accustomed to having a lot of space, why shouldn't the tenants' association rent to him, the whole of the apartment, the deceased's rooms as well? It's all the same to him - the deceased.
You must agree, Nikanor Ivanovich, He doesn't need the apartment now, does he? Foreigners ought to live at the Metropol! I'm telling you, he's capricious as devil knows what! He just doesn't want to! He doesn't like hotels! I've had them up to here, these foreign tourists! They come and either spy on you like the lowest son of a bitch or else torment you with their caprices! This isn't right and that isn't right! You see And for your association, Nikanor Ivanovich, it's a sheer gain and an obvious profit He won't stint on money.
A millionaire! A millionaire! first I have to settle the matter with the foreign tourist bureau.
I understand! You've got to settle it! Absolutely! Here's the telephone, settle it at once! And don't be shy about the money, if he won't pay, who will! Next summer, when you go abroad come especially to see the villa he's got in Nice! what a villa eh you'll gasp! Hello Hello Inturist? Yes! Bosoy speaking Chairman of the tenants' association We know about Mr.
Woland's intention of staying in Likhodeev's private apartment and have no objections to it! That's wonderful! Here So then, the association agrees to rent apartment no.
50 for a week to the artiste Woland at a rate of five hundred rubles a day! So it comes to 500 times seven comes to three thousand five hundred three thousand five hundred a week Eh, very cheap! Give me five hundred! He'll pay it! Eins zwei drei It isn't done It's severely punishable.
But where are the witnesses? You'll offend him, Nikanor Ivanovich Good luck! Tell me, my gentle Fagott what do you think, the Moscow populace has changed significantly, hasn't it? That it has, Messire Well, we'll see it tonight at the Variety I didn't like this Nikanor Ivanovich.
He is a chiseller and a crook.
Can it be arranged so that he doesn't come any more? Messire, you have only to say the word! Hello! I consider it my duty to inform you that the chairman of our tenants' association at no.
502-bis on Sadovaya, Nikanor Ivanovich Bosoy, is speculating in foreign currency.
At the present moment, in his apartment no.
55, in the ventilation of the privy he has four hundred dollars wrapped up in newspaper.
Who is this? Timofei Kvastsov speaking, a tenant of the said house.
I adjure you to keep my name a secret.
I fear the vengeance of the above-stated chairman! Damn them all! Won't allow a man to eat Don't let anyone in, I'm not here.
If it's about the apartment, tell them there'll be a meeting next week.
Is this comrade Bosoy's apartment? Yes! What do you want? There can't be anything like that in our apartment! And-your papers begging your pardon Let's go! Yes, dollars in the ventilation! Your little wad? No! Enemies stuck me with it! That happens Well, you're going to have to turn in the rest.
I haven't got any! I swear to God I never laid a finger on it! Here's the contract that vermin of an interpreter stuck me with it Koroviev in a pince-nez Comrades Catch them! There are unclean powers in our house! Repent, Ivanych You'll get off lighter! O, you damned fool! Varenukha, Please call Likhodeev again He's not home.
I even sent Karpov, there's no one in the apartment.
Today and Every Day at the Variety Theatre an Additional Programme PROFESSOR WOLAND Séances of Black Magic and its Full Exposure Devil knows what's going on! I dislike this undertaking extremely, very much! He might at least show us his magician! Have you seen him? Where he dug him up, devil knows! Where is Likhodeev? He's holding up my business! Might he have fallen under a tram-car like Berlioz? Wouldn't be a bad thing Who here is Variety? Right here A super-lightning telegram Sign here Yalta to Moscow Variety Today eleven thirty brown-haired man came criminal investigation nightshirt trousers shoeless gave name Likhodeev Director Variety Wire Yalta criminal investigation where Director Likhodeev Hello and how do you do! Another surprise! A false Dmitri! Halo Telegraph office? Variety account.
Take a super-lightning telegram! Yalta criminal investigation Director Likhodeev Moscow Findirector Rimsky Nikanor Ivanovich Bosoy chairman of the house committee at no.
502-bis on Sadovaya Street? I'm Nikanor, of course I'm Nikanor But what the deuce kind of chairman am I? Meaning what? Meaning! that if I was chairman, I should have determined at once that he was an unclean power! Otherwise-what is it? A cracked pince-nez, all in rags what kind of foreigner's interpreter could he be? Who are you talking about? Koroviev! Got himself lodged in our apartment number fifty! Write it down He must be caught at once Write it down the sixth entrance.
He's there.
Where did you get the currency? As God is true as God is almighty and sees everything! I never laid a finger on it! never even suspected what it was, this currency! God is punishing me for my iniquity.
'I took! I took, but I took ours.
Soviet money! I'd register people for money, I don't argue, it happened.
Our secretary Bedsornev is a good one too, another good one! Frankly speaking, there's nothing but thieves in the house management.
But I never took currency! Stop playing the fool! Tell how the dollars got into the ventilation? If you want I'll eat dirt that I didn't do it! And Koroviev-he's the devil! All patience has its limits! Start speaking in human language.
There he is! There, behind the bookcase! He's grinning! And his pince-nez.
Hold him! Spray the room with holy water! with holy water Sign here! What now? Beg believe thrown Yalta Woland wire criminal investigation confirm identity Likhodeev Didn't you talk with him on the phone at a little past eleven? No, it's ridiculous! It's ridiculous! Talk or not, Likhodeev can't be in Yalta now! It's ridiculous! He's drunk Who's drunk? Likhodeev Hypnosis How does he know about Woland? Ah, no! Nonsense! Nonsense, nonsense! Where's he staying, this Woland? Inturist? I'm calling from Variety Tell me, where is the artist Woland staying? What, what? at Likhodeev's! Open up! Nobody's home! Clean! Strange! Let's go! Where is Koroviev? I don't know any Koroviev! We'll see about that! secretary doesn't know who lives here? I don't know I didn't see don't know the chairman - Bosoy - he knows! get in Telegram for you! Sign here! Moscow Variety Proof my handwriting my signature wire urgently confirmation place secret watch Woland Likhodeev This cannot be! Give me that! It's his handwriting! I don't understand! I don't understand! How many kilometers is it to Yalta? I already thought of it! It's over fifteen hundred kilometers to Sebastopol plus another eighty to Yalta! Well, but by air, of course, it's less! but, who would let him on a plane Very well everything! Hello Take the telegram Variety, yes! Yalta criminal investigation Today around eleven thirty Likhodeev talked me phone Moscow stop After that did not come work work unable locate by phone stop Confirm handwriting stop Taking measures watch said artiste Findirector Rimsky Very clever! Go right now, Ivan Savelyevich! Take it there personally To NKVD.
Let them sort it out! Now that is really clever! Everything Where? Yes yes It's him! Hello! May I speak with the artiste Woland? Mister's busy who's calling? The administrator of the Variety, Varenukha.
Ivan Savelyevich? Terribly glad to hear your voice! How're you doing? Merci, and with whom am I speaking? His assistant, his assistant and interpreter, Koroviev! I'm entirely at your service, my dearest Ivan Savelyevich! Order me around as you like.
Excuse me, but what, is Stepan Bogdanovich Likhodeev not at home now? Alas, no! No! He left! For where? Out of town, for a drive in the car Wh? what? A dr drive? And when will he be back? He said, he'll get a breath of fresh air and come back.
merci kindly tell Monsieur Woland, that his performance is tonight in the third part of the programme.
Ivan Savelyevich.
Urgently.
Without fail.
I'll tell him.
Please accept, my best, warmest greetings and wishes! For success! Luck! Complete happiness! Everything! But of course! Didn't I say so! It's not any Yalta, he just went to the country! Well, if that's so I remember! I remember! They've opened a new Georgian tavern in Pushkino called "Yalta"! It's all clear! He went there, got drunk, and now he's sending telegrams from there! Well, then, he's going to pay dearly for this little excursion! But what about the criminal investigation It's nonsense! His own little jokes Shall I take the envelope? Absolutely! Yalta Moscow Variety Thank you confirmation send five hundred urgently criminal investigation my name tomorrow fly Moscow Likhodeev He's lost his mind Good heavens, Grigory Danilovich in my opinion you oughtn't send the money.
No worry, it'll come back but he'll have a hard time explaining this little picnic! Go, Ivan Savelyevich, don't delay.
Earmark and hold thirty of the best seats in the gallery and the stalls Yes Ivan Savelyevich Varenukha? He's not in the theatre! Don't play the fool, Ivan Savelyevich, just listen Do not take those telegrams anywhere or show them to anyone Who is this? Stop these jokes, citizen! You'll be found out at once! What's your number? Varenukha, do you understand Russian? Don't take the telegrams anywhere! STAFF ENTRANCE Well, what sort of Is that you, Ivan Savelyevich? So, it's me Very, very glad! What you got in the briefcase, parasite? Telegrams? Weren't you warned over the phone not to take them anywhere? Weren't you warned, I'm asking you? I was wor wer warned And you skipped off anyway! Gimme the briefcase, vermin! Let me give you a kiss! To the police From Massolit member Ivan Nikolaevich Homeless.
A statement Yesterday evening I came to the Patriarch's Ponds with the deceased M.
A.
Berlioz What's this - came with the deceased Berlioz The deceased don't go anywhere! Really, for all he knew, they might take him for a madman! A statement Yesterday evening I came to the Patriarch's Ponds with M.
A.
Berlioz, subsequently deceased Yesterday evening I came with M.
A.
Berlioz, who fell under the tram-car tram-car not the composer Artiste of the season due to a special audience request uses two more elements in his show number that is two more elements than in the previous season! Bravos for the artiste! Varenukha didn't come back? But what for? I know what for! But why? Why? now comes the famous foreign artiste! And so now, he will perform for us foreign artiste monsieur Woland! with a sense of black magic! Well, both you and I know, that there's no such thing and Maestro Woland is simply a perfect master of the technique of conjuring as we shall see from the most interesting part, that is the exposure of this technique let's bring on Mr.
Woland! 5 YEAR PLAN - IN 4 YEARS! An armchair for me! You're right, my gentle Fagott The city folk have changed greatly externally, that is as has the city itself, incidentally these what do you call them trams, automobiles buses The foreign artiste is expressing his admiration for Moscow and its technological development as well as for the Muscovites! Did I express admiration? By no means, you never expressed any admiration Then what is the man saying? He quite simply lied! Congrats, citizen, you done lied! I'm not so much interested in buses, telephones and other Apparatuses.
'Quite right, thank you! as in a question of much greater importance have the city folk changed inwardly? Yes, that is the most important question! However, we're talking away, my dear Fagott, and the audience is beginning to get bored show us some simple little thing to start with.
You'll find that same deck, esteemed citizens on citizen Parchevsky in the seventh row just between a three-ruble bill and a summons to court in connection with the payment of alimony to citizen Zeikova.
Wait! It's ten-ruble bills! I want to play with the same kind of deck! But why just you? Avec playzeer Everyone will warmly participate! you know what I mean hmm? Eins Zwei Drei! Shhhh
Listen, then! yesterday evening I met a mysterious person at the Patriarch's Ponds maybe a foreigner maybe not, who knew beforehand about Berlioz's death and has seen Pontius Pilate in person.
Pilate?! The Pilate who lived in the time of Jesus Christ? The same.
And this Berlioz, your friend, died under a tram-car? Precisely, he's the one who in my presence was killed by a tram-car yesterday at the Ponds and this same mysterious citizen The acquaintance of Pontius Pilate? Precisely him! Well, so he said beforehand that Annushka had spilled the sunflower oil And he slipped right on that place! How do you like that? And who is this Annushka? Annushka is of absolutely no importance here! Devil knows who she is.
Just some fool from Sadovaya! What's important is that he knew beforehand, you see, beforehand about the sunflower oil! Do you understand me? Perfectly Don't get excited, just continue.
To continue so, then, this horrible type and he's lying that he's a consultant! has some extraordinary power.
For instance, you chase after him and it's impossible to catch up with him And then there's also a little pair with him good ones, too, but in their own way some long one in broken glasses and, besides him a cat of incredible size who rides the tram all by himself And besides! he was personally on Pontius Pilate's balcony there's no doubt of it! So what is all this, eh? He must be arrested immediately otherwise he'll do untold harm! So you're trying to get him arrested? Have I understood you correctly? Quite correctly And how could I not be trying, just consider for yourself! And meanwhile I've been forcibly detained here they poke lamps into my eyes, give me baths question me for some reason about my Uncle Fedya! And he died long ago.
I demand to be released immediately! Well, there, very nice, very nice! Now everything's clear Really what's the sense of keeping a healthy man in a clinic? I'll check you out of here right now if you tell me you're normal.
Not prove, but merely tell So, then, are you normal? I am normal! Well, how very nice and if so, let's reason logically Let's take your day yesterday You hung a little icon on your chest.
Did you? I did! Showed up in a restaurant with a candle, in nothing but underwear, and beat somebody Right? Right! Having come here, you called the police and asked them to send out machine-guns.
Then you attempted to throw yourself out the window The question is: can one, by acting in such fashion, catch or arrest anyone? And if you're a normal man, you yourself will answer: by no means! You wish to leave here? Very well, sir, But allow me to ask, where are you going to go? To the police, of course! And what will you tell the police to start with? About Pontius Pilate! Fyodor Vassilyevich please check Citizen Homeless out for town But don't put anyone in his room or change the linen.
In two hours.
Citizen Homeless will be back here.
On what grounds will I be back here? On the grounds that as soon as you show up at the police station in your drawers and tell them you've seen a man who knew Pontius Pilate personally, you'll instantly be brought here! What have drawers got to do with it? It's mainly Pontius Pilate.
But the drawers, too.
But he has to be caught Do you understand?! But why should you go running around yourself? Explain all your suspicions and accusations against this man on paper Nothing could be simpler than to send your declaration to the proper quarters, But only on one condition don't strain your head, and try to think less about Pontius Pilate.
People say all kinds of things.
One mustn't believe everything.
Understood! I ask to be given pen and paper.
Fyodor Vassilyevich Give him paper and a short pencil.
Yes, and try oxygen and baths.
Write a petition Comrade Bosoy asking to assign the apartment of the deceased Berlioz chairman, I promise to Write a petition it's impossible to live in the same apartment with bandits A petition! Citizen Kvasov stole my dumplings, tucked them directly into the jacket! Write a petition! I say I'm going to kill myself! Write a petition! A petition! Comrade Bosoy I confess I'm secretly pregnant! so I have a claim to the deceased's living space! A petition! You have business with me? comrade? And who might you be, citizen? Hah! Nikanor Ivanovich! what luck! Excuse me but who might you be? Are you an official person? Eh, Nikanor Ivanovich! What are official and unofficial persons? It all depends on your point of view on the subject.
It's all fluctuating and relative, Nikanor Ivanovich.
Today I'm an unofficial person, and tomorrow, lo and behold, I'm an official one! And it also happens the other way round oh, how it does! Yes, but who might you be? What's your name? My name, well, let's say it's Koroviev.
But wouldn't you like a little snack, Nikanor Ivanovich! No formalities, eh! What have snacks got to do with it? Sitting in the deceased's half is not permitted! What are you doing here? I if you please, serve as interpreter for a foreign individual who has taken up residence in this apartment! A foreign artiste, Mr.
Woland, had been kindly invited by the director of the Variety, Stepan Bogdanovich Likhodeev, to spend the time of his performances, in his apartment he had written you yesterday requesting that you register the foreigner as a temporary resident while Likhodeev himself took a trip to Yalta.
He didn't write me anything.
How could he not write? Just look through your briefcase Never wrote me! At the top third page! There How could I have forgotten about it? And when is Likhodeev going to Yalta? I'm here He's already gone, gone! He's already devil knows where! Nikanor Ivanovich! Because Mr.
Woland have no desire to live in a hotel, and is accustomed to having a lot of space, why shouldn't the tenants' association rent to him, the whole of the apartment, the deceased's rooms as well? It's all the same to him - the deceased.
You must agree, Nikanor Ivanovich, He doesn't need the apartment now, does he? Foreigners ought to live at the Metropol! I'm telling you, he's capricious as devil knows what! He just doesn't want to! He doesn't like hotels! I've had them up to here, these foreign tourists! They come and either spy on you like the lowest son of a bitch or else torment you with their caprices! This isn't right and that isn't right! You see And for your association, Nikanor Ivanovich, it's a sheer gain and an obvious profit He won't stint on money.
A millionaire! A millionaire! first I have to settle the matter with the foreign tourist bureau.
I understand! You've got to settle it! Absolutely! Here's the telephone, settle it at once! And don't be shy about the money, if he won't pay, who will! Next summer, when you go abroad come especially to see the villa he's got in Nice! what a villa eh you'll gasp! Hello Hello Inturist? Yes! Bosoy speaking Chairman of the tenants' association We know about Mr.
Woland's intention of staying in Likhodeev's private apartment and have no objections to it! That's wonderful! Here So then, the association agrees to rent apartment no.
50 for a week to the artiste Woland at a rate of five hundred rubles a day! So it comes to 500 times seven comes to three thousand five hundred three thousand five hundred a week Eh, very cheap! Give me five hundred! He'll pay it! Eins zwei drei It isn't done It's severely punishable.
But where are the witnesses? You'll offend him, Nikanor Ivanovich Good luck! Tell me, my gentle Fagott what do you think, the Moscow populace has changed significantly, hasn't it? That it has, Messire Well, we'll see it tonight at the Variety I didn't like this Nikanor Ivanovich.
He is a chiseller and a crook.
Can it be arranged so that he doesn't come any more? Messire, you have only to say the word! Hello! I consider it my duty to inform you that the chairman of our tenants' association at no.
502-bis on Sadovaya, Nikanor Ivanovich Bosoy, is speculating in foreign currency.
At the present moment, in his apartment no.
55, in the ventilation of the privy he has four hundred dollars wrapped up in newspaper.
Who is this? Timofei Kvastsov speaking, a tenant of the said house.
I adjure you to keep my name a secret.
I fear the vengeance of the above-stated chairman! Damn them all! Won't allow a man to eat Don't let anyone in, I'm not here.
If it's about the apartment, tell them there'll be a meeting next week.
Is this comrade Bosoy's apartment? Yes! What do you want? There can't be anything like that in our apartment! And-your papers begging your pardon Let's go! Yes, dollars in the ventilation! Your little wad? No! Enemies stuck me with it! That happens Well, you're going to have to turn in the rest.
I haven't got any! I swear to God I never laid a finger on it! Here's the contract that vermin of an interpreter stuck me with it Koroviev in a pince-nez Comrades Catch them! There are unclean powers in our house! Repent, Ivanych You'll get off lighter! O, you damned fool! Varenukha, Please call Likhodeev again He's not home.
I even sent Karpov, there's no one in the apartment.
Today and Every Day at the Variety Theatre an Additional Programme PROFESSOR WOLAND Séances of Black Magic and its Full Exposure Devil knows what's going on! I dislike this undertaking extremely, very much! He might at least show us his magician! Have you seen him? Where he dug him up, devil knows! Where is Likhodeev? He's holding up my business! Might he have fallen under a tram-car like Berlioz? Wouldn't be a bad thing Who here is Variety? Right here A super-lightning telegram Sign here Yalta to Moscow Variety Today eleven thirty brown-haired man came criminal investigation nightshirt trousers shoeless gave name Likhodeev Director Variety Wire Yalta criminal investigation where Director Likhodeev Hello and how do you do! Another surprise! A false Dmitri! Halo Telegraph office? Variety account.
Take a super-lightning telegram! Yalta criminal investigation Director Likhodeev Moscow Findirector Rimsky Nikanor Ivanovich Bosoy chairman of the house committee at no.
502-bis on Sadovaya Street? I'm Nikanor, of course I'm Nikanor But what the deuce kind of chairman am I? Meaning what? Meaning! that if I was chairman, I should have determined at once that he was an unclean power! Otherwise-what is it? A cracked pince-nez, all in rags what kind of foreigner's interpreter could he be? Who are you talking about? Koroviev! Got himself lodged in our apartment number fifty! Write it down He must be caught at once Write it down the sixth entrance.
He's there.
Where did you get the currency? As God is true as God is almighty and sees everything! I never laid a finger on it! never even suspected what it was, this currency! God is punishing me for my iniquity.
'I took! I took, but I took ours.
Soviet money! I'd register people for money, I don't argue, it happened.
Our secretary Bedsornev is a good one too, another good one! Frankly speaking, there's nothing but thieves in the house management.
But I never took currency! Stop playing the fool! Tell how the dollars got into the ventilation? If you want I'll eat dirt that I didn't do it! And Koroviev-he's the devil! All patience has its limits! Start speaking in human language.
There he is! There, behind the bookcase! He's grinning! And his pince-nez.
Hold him! Spray the room with holy water! with holy water Sign here! What now? Beg believe thrown Yalta Woland wire criminal investigation confirm identity Likhodeev Didn't you talk with him on the phone at a little past eleven? No, it's ridiculous! It's ridiculous! Talk or not, Likhodeev can't be in Yalta now! It's ridiculous! He's drunk Who's drunk? Likhodeev Hypnosis How does he know about Woland? Ah, no! Nonsense! Nonsense, nonsense! Where's he staying, this Woland? Inturist? I'm calling from Variety Tell me, where is the artist Woland staying? What, what? at Likhodeev's! Open up! Nobody's home! Clean! Strange! Let's go! Where is Koroviev? I don't know any Koroviev! We'll see about that! secretary doesn't know who lives here? I don't know I didn't see don't know the chairman - Bosoy - he knows! get in Telegram for you! Sign here! Moscow Variety Proof my handwriting my signature wire urgently confirmation place secret watch Woland Likhodeev This cannot be! Give me that! It's his handwriting! I don't understand! I don't understand! How many kilometers is it to Yalta? I already thought of it! It's over fifteen hundred kilometers to Sebastopol plus another eighty to Yalta! Well, but by air, of course, it's less! but, who would let him on a plane Very well everything! Hello Take the telegram Variety, yes! Yalta criminal investigation Today around eleven thirty Likhodeev talked me phone Moscow stop After that did not come work work unable locate by phone stop Confirm handwriting stop Taking measures watch said artiste Findirector Rimsky Very clever! Go right now, Ivan Savelyevich! Take it there personally To NKVD.
Let them sort it out! Now that is really clever! Everything Where? Yes yes It's him! Hello! May I speak with the artiste Woland? Mister's busy who's calling? The administrator of the Variety, Varenukha.
Ivan Savelyevich? Terribly glad to hear your voice! How're you doing? Merci, and with whom am I speaking? His assistant, his assistant and interpreter, Koroviev! I'm entirely at your service, my dearest Ivan Savelyevich! Order me around as you like.
Excuse me, but what, is Stepan Bogdanovich Likhodeev not at home now? Alas, no! No! He left! For where? Out of town, for a drive in the car Wh? what? A dr drive? And when will he be back? He said, he'll get a breath of fresh air and come back.
merci kindly tell Monsieur Woland, that his performance is tonight in the third part of the programme.
Ivan Savelyevich.
Urgently.
Without fail.
I'll tell him.
Please accept, my best, warmest greetings and wishes! For success! Luck! Complete happiness! Everything! But of course! Didn't I say so! It's not any Yalta, he just went to the country! Well, if that's so I remember! I remember! They've opened a new Georgian tavern in Pushkino called "Yalta"! It's all clear! He went there, got drunk, and now he's sending telegrams from there! Well, then, he's going to pay dearly for this little excursion! But what about the criminal investigation It's nonsense! His own little jokes Shall I take the envelope? Absolutely! Yalta Moscow Variety Thank you confirmation send five hundred urgently criminal investigation my name tomorrow fly Moscow Likhodeev He's lost his mind Good heavens, Grigory Danilovich in my opinion you oughtn't send the money.
No worry, it'll come back but he'll have a hard time explaining this little picnic! Go, Ivan Savelyevich, don't delay.
Earmark and hold thirty of the best seats in the gallery and the stalls Yes Ivan Savelyevich Varenukha? He's not in the theatre! Don't play the fool, Ivan Savelyevich, just listen Do not take those telegrams anywhere or show them to anyone Who is this? Stop these jokes, citizen! You'll be found out at once! What's your number? Varenukha, do you understand Russian? Don't take the telegrams anywhere! STAFF ENTRANCE Well, what sort of Is that you, Ivan Savelyevich? So, it's me Very, very glad! What you got in the briefcase, parasite? Telegrams? Weren't you warned over the phone not to take them anywhere? Weren't you warned, I'm asking you? I was wor wer warned And you skipped off anyway! Gimme the briefcase, vermin! Let me give you a kiss! To the police From Massolit member Ivan Nikolaevich Homeless.
A statement Yesterday evening I came to the Patriarch's Ponds with the deceased M.
A.
Berlioz What's this - came with the deceased Berlioz The deceased don't go anywhere! Really, for all he knew, they might take him for a madman! A statement Yesterday evening I came to the Patriarch's Ponds with M.
A.
Berlioz, subsequently deceased Yesterday evening I came with M.
A.
Berlioz, who fell under the tram-car tram-car not the composer Artiste of the season due to a special audience request uses two more elements in his show number that is two more elements than in the previous season! Bravos for the artiste! Varenukha didn't come back? But what for? I know what for! But why? Why? now comes the famous foreign artiste! And so now, he will perform for us foreign artiste monsieur Woland! with a sense of black magic! Well, both you and I know, that there's no such thing and Maestro Woland is simply a perfect master of the technique of conjuring as we shall see from the most interesting part, that is the exposure of this technique let's bring on Mr.
Woland! 5 YEAR PLAN - IN 4 YEARS! An armchair for me! You're right, my gentle Fagott The city folk have changed greatly externally, that is as has the city itself, incidentally these what do you call them trams, automobiles buses The foreign artiste is expressing his admiration for Moscow and its technological development as well as for the Muscovites! Did I express admiration? By no means, you never expressed any admiration Then what is the man saying? He quite simply lied! Congrats, citizen, you done lied! I'm not so much interested in buses, telephones and other Apparatuses.
'Quite right, thank you! as in a question of much greater importance have the city folk changed inwardly? Yes, that is the most important question! However, we're talking away, my dear Fagott, and the audience is beginning to get bored show us some simple little thing to start with.
You'll find that same deck, esteemed citizens on citizen Parchevsky in the seventh row just between a three-ruble bill and a summons to court in connection with the payment of alimony to citizen Zeikova.
Wait! It's ten-ruble bills! I want to play with the same kind of deck! But why just you? Avec playzeer Everyone will warmly participate! you know what I mean hmm? Eins Zwei Drei! Shhhh