Masters of Science Fiction (2007) s01e03 Episode Script
Jerry Was a Man
proudly presents Masters of Science Fiction Season 1 Episode 3 Operation landmine clearance,july 6,2007 If necessity is the mother of invention, what will drive our ingenuity when all our needs have been fulfilled? Mr.
And mrs.
Van vogel, tibor cargrew.
How do you do? Hmm.
Welcome to controlled genetics.
Walk ts way.
Wait.
Here at controlled genetics, we don't try.
We just do.
That's very profound thinking.
Yes, from people whose wisdom comes from reading t-shirts.
Oh, arrogance and money.
I like that combination.
Well, we have buckets of both.
Well, let me take you on a little tour on the way to my office.
A private tour, yes? We don't have to share it with anyone, do we? No one from the, uh, what do you call it?Uh, the public.
Good lord, no.
What do you take me for? - Sigret, boss? - What? Sigret.
I think he wants a cigarette.
Get back to work, joe.
Jerry.
Uh jerry like sigret.
No, jerry, cigarettes are bad for you--very bad for you.
Oh jerry like candy.
I like candy, too.
Don't encourage him, brownie.
Get back to work.
This way.
Sigret? This is the plasto-biology atrium.
Oh.
I hope you like it.
I designed it.
- Oh, did you? - Yes.
welcome to the joe nursery.
Baby joes don't cry real tears.
before we can assign the workers to the job that they were built for, we take them out of the hatchery, and then they go through their first operation to meld the plasto with the biological.
Mrs.
Van vogel, may I have a word, please? Have you ever considered any plasto-biology for yourself? What? - How old are you now, 100? - 85.
I'm only 85.
Must be the lighting in here.
Please, over here.
radiation doesn't stop the joe.
Radiation can be fun if you're a joe.
That is a glowboy, isn't it? Isn't that a glowboy? Brownie, you know a new word.
Wh-what's a glowboy? That's a clean-up joe at a nuclear reactor.
They don't last long.
Believe it or not, it's cheaper than getting the locals to do the same job for 3 cents and a bob marley t-shirt.
The best thing about it is, no health insurance.
You know, it used to be very dangerous work.
Now the joes do it.
You won't see any of these things applying early decision at cornell, eh, cargrew? yeah over here.
Radiation can be fun if you're a joe.
- Now over here, we've- - double soy latte.
Very good.
We've just received an order for 25,000 of these joes.
So they'll be working at a certain chain of coffeehouse which I'm not at liberty to name, but suffice to say, there'll be no more of those little tip jars by the cash register.
- You know what I'm saying? - Tipping, us? would you like a muffin with your coffee? Fellow at the club comes into the club-- the bradbury club-- they wouldn't let you in because, well, you work.
we're there every day, our usual place, having r usual conversation and since they're only $50,000 each, we'll get both.
Why don't we just get all three? pudgy, you know the rules.
Pudgy, you know the rules.
No dogs except seeing eye dogs allowed inside the club.
And since we don't accept the blind as members and since we don't accept the blind as members, no dogs at all.
Oh, my god! Is there a dog in the clubhouse? That's a dog, pudg no, not legally.
You're not a real dog, are you, boy? I'm not a real dog.
I'm a plasto-biological hybrid.
Yes, yes, yes, yes-- a plasto-biological hybrid.
And I only cost $1 million.
I'm the million-dollar puppy! The million-dollar puppy.
a 6-legged dachshund.
And he made a fool out of us.
We want to come back with something more impressive.
What, like an 9-legged dachshund? We don't do dachshunds.
Funny little dogs-- just not us.
Vulgar, grotesque.
It's your idea, brownie.
You can tell him.
$500 million, and he thinks he's rich.
Ha.
$500 million, and he thinks he has the right to make fun of us, to show off.
A million bucks and a 6-legged wiener buys him a few minutes of attention.
What kind of designer animal do you think it would take to burn that smile off his fat face? - I have an idea.
- Mm-hmm? Oh, I have a very good idea.
Will it cost lots of money? Oh so much, so very much.
Ooh!I like it! - What? - Pegasus.
I want a flying horse.
I want to land on the roof of the club on a flying horse.
Big gold wings and then I want that flying horse to step on that damn dachshund and squeeze all the dachshund out of it like a dachshund brrito.
A dachshund isn't even a decent animal when it has the regulation four legs.
You know what I'm saying.
We want it as fast as you can make it.
A pegasus--how much? Oh, just hold on a second.
I want to show you something.
The seventh richest woman in the world just told you what she wants.
Get it for her.
Just hold your genetically unmodified horses, brownie.
I want you to meet someone very speal.
Is he going to bring out someone retarded and ask us for charity? If he does, we'll walk out.
Thank you.
Someone very special, indeed.
come on, come on.
come on, come on.
a baby elephant! Oh, look, bron, a baby elephant.
where is your mommy? Actually, ahem, I'm his mommy, and he's n a baby.
oh, yes, he is.
He's a vewy young elephant.
In spite of the quaint way that you are addressing him, he really is a fully grown, fully formed adult.
Je vous présent napoleon.
what? He said, "I present to you napoleon.
" It's french.
for the price I'm sure you're asking, that's the least.
For the price we're asking, he can read and write.
Oh, what beautiful writing.
He likes me! Oh, look, bron, he likes me.
He doesn't even know me, and he likes me.
I want a horse, martha.
Get the horse, if you want it.
I want the baby elephant.
Um, actually, he's not a baby.
He's full grown, and he comes with his own little bed.
Oh, sweetie does anyone else have one of these ings? Oh, good lord.
I wouldn't dare show him to you if you weren't the first.
- how much? - 3350000 Oh, write the check, bron.
I just don't think that a scribbling elephant is going to trump pudgy's dachshund.
What about the pegasus? Well, get the pegasus if you want it.
Napoleon makes me give up all thoughts of ego and revenge.
He makes me want to be pure and good and kind.
Anyway, we couldn't possibly supply you with a pegasus today.
You don't want us to have a pegasus, and I know why-- because you don't know how to graft wings on a horse.
I don't know how to graft wings on a horse? That's like saying the creator of "bugs bunny" wouldn't know how to animate a bouncing ball.
Look here, brownie, you're not the first cabana boy to come waltzing in here with his wife's money, asking for pegasus.
- I have never been so insulted.
- who's bugs bunny? Let me explain something to you.
I can make you a living thing-- I won't call it an animal-- the size and the shape of this table here.
Alive?Yeah, but good for what?Ingesting food? Making chemical energy, doing doo-doo? Displaying irritability-- aah.
come on, it's a stupid, silly manipulation.
Mechanically, a table and a horse are two very different things.
hmm, sure, I could make you a winged horse.
You just said you couldn'T.
Permission not granted to interrupt.
I said I could make you a winged horse.
It just won't fly.
An animal is a machine.
It's a heat engine that uses levers and hydraulic systems.
You savvy aerodynamics? I have a jet, of course.
Do you run your jet on hay? Because a horse is a hay-burner.
An aerodynamic horse would need a breastbone 10 feet wide, a wingspan of 80 feet.
Folded, its wings would cover it like a huge tent.
If I we you, I'd be saying, "cargrew, you're a whore.
"What the world needs is the return of the gulf current.
"What the world needs is cures for cancer, swine flu "and inherited wealth.
"And what are you doing?What are you doing? "You're acting like a french toy maker "two years before they cut off the head of marie antoinette, "supplying t parasite classes with grotesque diversions "like opera-singing cuckoo clocks, "when you should be out there manning the barricades, "chief engineer to a 10-seat guillotine.
"Instead, you're making miniature elephants.
"You're disgusting, cargrew, "a pathetic representative of science gone bad gone way bad.
" Well, that's what I would be saying, and more, but I'm through giving the enemy all my best ammunition.
My husband is not a cabana boy.
He's a caddie.
There's a difference and we'll take the elephant.
- do I really look 100? - No, no.
Oh, what do you think I need? Um, hmm we'll talk later.
well, that's jerry.
What's he doing?Where are they going? Well, wait.
That joe, jerry--he just said something to me.
Oh, forget about him.
No, no, I think he was saying, "help me.
" "Help me"? Good lord, no Ah, no, what he was saying was, "kill me.
" Yes, "kill me.
"They all say that near the end.
You're going to kill him? Well, this batch is scheduled for liquidation in what, two or three days?When's processing? - two hours.
- Oh, there you are.
- Two hours.
- Two hours.
He's going to die.
We're all going to die.
Well, I know that, but we're not dying on schedule.
next.
Oh, my.
this way, move it through.
candy.
Candy.
Candy, please, missy.
- Candy.
- Hello, jerry.
Candy, missy? Uh here, jerry.
A candy, a mint.
Oh sankoo, missy.
Me jerry.
How do you do, jerry? Howdy, missy.
This is not a good idea.
Well, bronson, doesn't he look exactly like uncle albert, except that he's so sad? Jerry, why are you so sad? Ask a spare tire to describe a rose.
Joes don't have abstract reasoning.
Jerry sad.
Well, he answered.
No, he spoke.
He didn't answer.
Why, jerry?Why are you so sad? Oh, no work, no sigret, no candy.
No work.
What happened?What was he designed for? Well, let me see.
This batch were uh, minesweepers for the army.
We tried to retrain them as carpet cleaners, floor polishing, even as gardeners, but their genetically imprinted pattern that they walk doesn't include them getting around the furniture.
Joe, walk the field.
Jerry walk the field.
Jerry?Joe walk the field.
See?jerry walk the field, walk the field, jerry.
No boom.
Get candy?Get sigret?Sigret? He was sent into minefields? Yes, well, obviously he made it out.
But jerry wants to work.
Work?Oh, sure, mike.
Good work.
Uh, jerry walk the field.
One step, one step, one step.
No booM.
Safe, safe.
You're going to kill him, and he wants to work? Look, let me just tell you this.
He was trained and bred to be blown up.
And now the army has no further use for him, there's nothing for him to do.
So all we're doing is just trimming off the bad parts of his life, and don't forget, the joes wouldn't be here if we hadn't been here, because we invented them.
- How much? - How much what? How much will it cost me to buy him from you? And how many parakeets did you buy from the pet store this morning so you could let them all fly free? You wanna save that joe from dog food? You turn them into dog food? A very good large breed puppy food, actually, high in protein.
- Oh, my god.
- This is our business, baby.
We sell everything but the oink.
Anyway, he's already been paid for.
Come on, toots.
I mean, you're one of the richest women on the planet.
How'd you think the world works? I-- that's my fault.
I work very hard to keep her happy and amused and distract her from the pain of the world.
Except the joes don't feel any pain.
There, you heard it,artha.
See?They don't feel pain.
But if he likes candy, he feels pleasure.
But it's not the same as you and I wanting it, honey I want him.
Now I want him even more.
I want him.
What are you going to do with him?Are you going to look for mines? - Oh, walk the field.
- Stop, jerry.
I'm going to rescue him.
How much?! Don't tell me you're changing your mind about napoleon, the scribbling pachyderm.
If I can't have the joe, you can't have the elephant.
I'm not giving this company any of my money if I can't have the joe-- jerry--if I can't have jerry.
I told you the dog food company paid for him already.
Well, how much, and I'll pay it back? Is it--is it the sale that you d't want? We could always lease him.
Brownie, you had a good idea just now--a very good idea.
Lease hmm, lease.
Yes, that may work, actually.
Son of a gun, you got me there.
All right.
One year, paid in advance.
- Martha- - whatever.
Jerry.
Jerry, you're coming home.
Oh, boy.
What a good elephant.
no more writing on the floor, nappy.
Remember what I told you? He likes me.
You can let him express himself if he likes me.
It's just ink.
It'll wash off.
Here.
well, so what? All gone.
Sigret? Sigret later, jerry.
Oh, jerry messY.
Jerry need clean up.
I think you need to clean up, jerry.
Oh, no boom today.
Jerry walk.
Jerry no boom.
Walk, no boom.
Candy?Sigret? Oh, jerry work good, boss.
jerry work good, boss.
Think you're jealous of jerry's happiness, brownie.
Uh, he has no emotions, martha.
The elephant has more emotions than the joe.
Don't you, boy? don't you have more emotions that that silly old joe? Oh, jerry sad.
No sigret.
Oh, jerry sad.
Oh, jerry, I don't want you to be sad.
Brownie sad.
Brownie alone here.
Missy never clean up brownie.
Brownie didn't serve his company--country.
Whatever, company, country-- you didn't serve either one walking in the minefields.
come with me, jerry.
It's bedtime.
he's sitting on my pillow, martha.
He's just a joe, brownie.
- Yeah? - He's just a joe.
nappy likes his bed.
Oh, look, martha.
I put on half a pound this month.
I'm gonna work out.
Come with me.
Let's go down to the gym room, and we'll throw on a movie and watch it for a couple of miles on the treadmill, hmm? You go.
I'll stay here and take care of nappy.
Well, tell nappy I said good night.
You don't care about your weight, do you, jerry? Jerry like candy.
That is such a simple truth.
I don't know how to say a sentence with just three simple words.
- Sigret? - Or one word.
What's it like being jerry? Oh, it's silly to ask, isn't it? Might as well ask me what it's like being martha.
Jerry, uh, walk? Well, that's it, isn't it? Jerry walk.
Martha spend.
Jerry smoke.
Martha diet.
Martha make love to husband.
Martha roll over and go to sleep.
Martha wake up.
Martha work out.
Martha spend money.
Martha spend lots and lots of money.
Do you even know what money is? Oh, candy.
Uh, sigret? Of course.
What else can it be but what you buy with it? And if you don't spend it, then it's nothing.
Oh, did I get this right, jerry? - If money is just candy and cigarettes- - no, sigret.
Sigret.
if money is just what you trade it for and you don't trade it, then you don't have any money.
We live very simply like in the bible.
So if I have all my billions, but I don't spend them, then my billions aren't really there.
That's so simple and yet so complicated at the same time.
Jerry, look at what you know.
What if you're the last thing I ever buy except for clothing and shoes and travel? I'll be happy.
Thank you.
Jerry want sleep now.
Jerry get sleep now.
Aah!Martha! he was lonely.
Oh, candy? Out now! Walk the field.
Oh, walk the field.
He's going back.
This isn't going to work.
If I had a minefield that he could sweep, then I-I could keep him busy, but I don't have a minefield.
EndrÃa ocupado,he's ours.
We got a lease on him-- no option to buy, and I'm taking him back.
If you do, I'll leave you.
You'd leave me for that weapon detector? You'd--you'd leave me for that thing? Not "thing.
" Jerry is a him.
If you want to keep him, you'll have to sue controlled genetics.
Do you know how much that's gonna cost you, martha? Think hard--it or me? Suing controlled genetics will cost me a lot less than making good on the prenup, darling.
I'll take this to court.
I'll keep him, and I'll keep you.
now look what you've done.
You woke up the elephant.
no boom.
the lease agreement is very clear, mrs.
Van vogel.
There is no lease option to buy.
So I haven't saved his life.
It wasn't yours to save.
And after all he did for his country-- I mean, company.
Company-- except for the part about not actually dying, but he might have, and he shouldn'T.
Poor jerry.
So I came to you because I want to sue them to change the lease.
I want to sue for ownership, and then I want to set him free and I want to stop all this killing.
If you were able to prove that their methods of disposing of these things were inhumane, or if they were negligent of their physical welfare before destroying them or if the destruction was wanton- - but it is.
- Not in a legal sense.
You cannot compel a person to maintain property at a loss.
What do you think, mr.
Mccoy? Could we approach this through the S.
P.
C.
A.
? No.
No, the S.
P.
C.
A.
Angle's no good.
Cargrew's lawyers will be ready to prove that the joes actually enjoy being killed off.
What are you thinking? Does jerry like music? Like it?He loves it.
He's been learning to sing.
I'd like to hear him sing.
Well jerry, take out your ear thingies.
Oh.
Good boy.
Jerry, sing us a song-- something you like.
jinger bez jinger bez, jinger awrah day oh, wot fun tiz to ride a 1-hoss open sray sr is that your phone number? No.
That's what it will cost you to hire me to take this case to court and win it.
One of the richest women in the world is putting it all on the line today-- fighting to save a joe named jerry.
I guess I'd taken for granted all of the joes in the world until I met jerry.
Are you saying that this joe is a human? I'm saying tt jerry and all the other joes shouldn't be turned into dog food when they're out of work.
Well, I don't work, and I would hate to be kibbled.
The club board has voted to terminate martha's membership.
We have joes working here, and the thought of martha coming into the club with a joe as a guest was, well, frankly disgusting.
A joe serving food to another joe, uh think about it-- it--it--it's insane.
It--it'S well, I've said it.
It's insane.
All rise for the honorable judge alexa pomfrey, judge leo tolchinsky and judge wendy narita.
you may be seated.
As many as 12 billion people are watching this trial.
This tribunal is gonna be very disappointed if the outside media circus affects the deliberations in here.
Each of us has at least 70 years experience as a judge, and I think that we've developed a reputation for fairness and good manners.
In the matter of jerry-- no last name, described as a legal, permanent resident-- against the corporate person, controlled genetics, forbidding it to do him any physical harm, and in particular, forbidding the company from killing him.
Counsel for the plaintiff, are you ready to begin? a corporation is a legal fiction.
It can't vote.
It can't read a book.
It can't walk the dog, but you are gonna hear this imaginary soulless entity argue that a flesh and blood creature, a being of, uh, hopes and longings and passions-- that fictional entity is gonna argue that a friend of mine has no legal existence, and that's what we're talking-- that's who we're talking about-- right over there.
Jerry.
My friend jerry.
Sigret? later, jerry, later.
Don't tell me to tell you that jerry doesn't exist, because, of course, I know the joe exists.
I see him sitting over there.
But is he alive? I don't deny that he has a sort of life, but he's not really a person.
He's the product of a series of patents.
Everyone thought the future was going to be mechanical-- robots, robots.
But the world will not be served by toasters.
Now what--what is a joe? A joe is a few strands of human D.
N.
A.
Along with some other stuff which is proprietary, and then it's all manipulated to serve a specific sign.
I-I could give you an example.
There is camera joe.
And over here--minefield joe.
Case closed, your honor.
We'd like to show a video.
Hmm.
I like videos.
Great.
Let's watch.
This was taken six months agO.
Jerry is the one in the center.
company halt.
Sweep the mines, joes.
Walk, no boom.
Yeah, well, maybe "walk, no boom" for you, joe, but- - jerry.
- Just watch.
sigret.
Sankoo.
thank you.
What did you just see? Well, I think it's obvious that he doesn't care whether he lives or dies, and that's the way I designed him.
He's not afraid of death.
Then it's into the bus, and after that it'S know what I mean? No problem-O.
He's not a man.
Your honor, I move to dismiss this case.
I would do the same thing if I were you.
Mr.
Mccoy, can we call it a day? Call it a day, your honor? A day? you saw the video? I di your honor.
I saw the video, and--and the video, your honor-- the video proves that jerry-- your honor, jerry is a man.
I knew it.
I just want to ask you a couple or three questions.
You with me? Yes.
Why was jerry set for destruction? The truth.
There was no more money in him.
I mean, it's--it's like A a different form of layoff.
In the old days when a car company stopped making money on a model, they'd fire the workers and keep the pensions.
Now we we liquidate them.
A lot less misery, if you ask me.
Thank you, mr.
Cargrew, for your honesty.
- It's a pleasure.
- Next witness.
you may step down.
Mr.
Mccoy, who do you want to call? - Jerry.
- Objection your honor.
This anthropoid cannot be examined.
He is a mere part and chattel of the respondent.
That's what we're trying to determine.
Objection overruled.
Okay, jerry.
They want you to talk now.
You know what to do.
And then I get candy? Then you get dignity.
No dignity, boss.
Candy.
Candy now, dignity after.
Your honor, objection.
The joe can't take the witness stand because he can't swear to an oath.
He doesn't have the understanding.
What do you say to that, mr.
Mccoy? I say let's put him on the stand and find out.
Proceed with the oath.
Raise your right hand.
Hello.
Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god goddess, buddha, allah, great spirit, higher power, gaia and the great turtle that supports the universe? Boss?Okay, boss.
Jerry, my friend, you're a good worker, huh? Oh.
Oh, jerry A good worker.
Jerry dig up weed.
Jerry no dig up vegetabar.
Yeah, yeah, but jerry good singer, too, aren't you, jerry? Your honor, objection.
This line of questioning is irrelevant.
Objection overruled.
Continue.
Jerry, would you sing us your favorite song? Oh.
Oh, jinger bez, jinger bez jinger awrah day oh, wot fun is to ride in 1-hoss open sray no, th-thank you, jerry.
I want to establish for the court that jerry likes christmas music.
Now I have another question for you, jerry.
How many fingers am I holding up? Oh, one, two, sree, four, five.
Six fingers, jerry.
Oh, five, boss.
Six fingers, jerry.
I'll give you a cigarette.
- Oh.
Six - for a cigarette.
How manyor a sigret? Okay, just stop right there, jerry.
Your honor, could we replay the video of jerry in the minefield? - Why? - Why not? Run the video.
okay, uh, speed it up to about halfway through.
Good.
Stop right there.
Let's go back and play that again, only closer on jerry's last contact with the other joe.
okay, freeze it now.
okay, stop.
Now, jerry, when you went behind the other joe, did you give him a little push so that he would move into what had been your row? Oh, joe go boom, jerry--jerry get candy.
Yes.
Joe go boom, jerry get candy.
Jerry, why did you move behind him? Oh, jerry, uh jerry see mine.
Jerry see mine, and jerry switch places, and joe go boom and jerry get candy.
Jerry see land mine, and jerry switched places, and joe go boom and jerry get candy.
Let's review the facts, my friends.
Let's go over what we've just seen.
One--jerry likes christmas carols.
Does that make him a man? I think it does, but you want more evidence.
Two--he wants a cigarette, and he is willing to lie to get one.
He is willing to take a bribe to subvert what he knows to be true.
Does lying make him human? I think it does.
But you want more evidence? What about what we just saw on the video? Three--jerry is willing to sacrifice another joe to save his own life.
What's more, he told us about it on the stand.
He admitted to something that most of us would be ashamed to admit to.
Tell me, please tell me, what could possibly be more human than self-preservation and a callous disregard of others? You can program a robot to sing a few songs, but does a robot cheat? No.
Does a potato cheat?No.
Jerry is capable of cheating.
Can--can I let you in on a little secret? And--and please, don't hold this against me.
I believe in god.
And if god gave life to man, and man gave life to jerry, then there's a-- there's a little a little spark of the divine in jerry, just the same as there's a little spark of the divine in you, your honors, and you, mr.
Cargrew, and even you, mr.
Pyramus.
I am not gonna stand by and turn that little spark of the divine into-- into small breed puppy food and--and feed it to a dog.
No.
Call me old-fashioned, but that's not me.
That little spark of the divine.
- All those little sparks of the divine- - wait a minute! I hold the patent on that little spark of the divine! Mrs.
Van vogel, now that we can't kill the workers when they're no longer useful, we have to feed them and house them.
Prices are gonna rise.
Stocks are already falling on the news.
Controlled genetics just opened the doors and let all their retired workers out on the street.
Are you gonna take care of all of them? No, just one.
I have to say, this is gonna take me some time to get used to.
It's not how I was raised, but daddy always said, "brownie, morality is like the stock market.
" Well, I don't understand the market, and I don't understand morality, but I understand you, and you understand me, and meeting you has been the high point of my life.
Oh.
wow!Well, I like you, too, napoleon.
I do.
I like you a lot.
Why don't we go to the park tomorrow? No, no, not the park.
I'll take you to the club.
Oh, you'll like the club.
I do.
you promised you'd quit.
Sigret.
This is your last one, baby.
I want you to live forever.
Sure, baby.
Sigret.
What makes us human may one day be defined not by the gifts we possess, but by the virtues we lack.
And mrs.
Van vogel, tibor cargrew.
How do you do? Hmm.
Welcome to controlled genetics.
Walk ts way.
Wait.
Here at controlled genetics, we don't try.
We just do.
That's very profound thinking.
Yes, from people whose wisdom comes from reading t-shirts.
Oh, arrogance and money.
I like that combination.
Well, we have buckets of both.
Well, let me take you on a little tour on the way to my office.
A private tour, yes? We don't have to share it with anyone, do we? No one from the, uh, what do you call it?Uh, the public.
Good lord, no.
What do you take me for? - Sigret, boss? - What? Sigret.
I think he wants a cigarette.
Get back to work, joe.
Jerry.
Uh jerry like sigret.
No, jerry, cigarettes are bad for you--very bad for you.
Oh jerry like candy.
I like candy, too.
Don't encourage him, brownie.
Get back to work.
This way.
Sigret? This is the plasto-biology atrium.
Oh.
I hope you like it.
I designed it.
- Oh, did you? - Yes.
welcome to the joe nursery.
Baby joes don't cry real tears.
before we can assign the workers to the job that they were built for, we take them out of the hatchery, and then they go through their first operation to meld the plasto with the biological.
Mrs.
Van vogel, may I have a word, please? Have you ever considered any plasto-biology for yourself? What? - How old are you now, 100? - 85.
I'm only 85.
Must be the lighting in here.
Please, over here.
radiation doesn't stop the joe.
Radiation can be fun if you're a joe.
That is a glowboy, isn't it? Isn't that a glowboy? Brownie, you know a new word.
Wh-what's a glowboy? That's a clean-up joe at a nuclear reactor.
They don't last long.
Believe it or not, it's cheaper than getting the locals to do the same job for 3 cents and a bob marley t-shirt.
The best thing about it is, no health insurance.
You know, it used to be very dangerous work.
Now the joes do it.
You won't see any of these things applying early decision at cornell, eh, cargrew? yeah over here.
Radiation can be fun if you're a joe.
- Now over here, we've- - double soy latte.
Very good.
We've just received an order for 25,000 of these joes.
So they'll be working at a certain chain of coffeehouse which I'm not at liberty to name, but suffice to say, there'll be no more of those little tip jars by the cash register.
- You know what I'm saying? - Tipping, us? would you like a muffin with your coffee? Fellow at the club comes into the club-- the bradbury club-- they wouldn't let you in because, well, you work.
we're there every day, our usual place, having r usual conversation and since they're only $50,000 each, we'll get both.
Why don't we just get all three? pudgy, you know the rules.
Pudgy, you know the rules.
No dogs except seeing eye dogs allowed inside the club.
And since we don't accept the blind as members and since we don't accept the blind as members, no dogs at all.
Oh, my god! Is there a dog in the clubhouse? That's a dog, pudg no, not legally.
You're not a real dog, are you, boy? I'm not a real dog.
I'm a plasto-biological hybrid.
Yes, yes, yes, yes-- a plasto-biological hybrid.
And I only cost $1 million.
I'm the million-dollar puppy! The million-dollar puppy.
a 6-legged dachshund.
And he made a fool out of us.
We want to come back with something more impressive.
What, like an 9-legged dachshund? We don't do dachshunds.
Funny little dogs-- just not us.
Vulgar, grotesque.
It's your idea, brownie.
You can tell him.
$500 million, and he thinks he's rich.
Ha.
$500 million, and he thinks he has the right to make fun of us, to show off.
A million bucks and a 6-legged wiener buys him a few minutes of attention.
What kind of designer animal do you think it would take to burn that smile off his fat face? - I have an idea.
- Mm-hmm? Oh, I have a very good idea.
Will it cost lots of money? Oh so much, so very much.
Ooh!I like it! - What? - Pegasus.
I want a flying horse.
I want to land on the roof of the club on a flying horse.
Big gold wings and then I want that flying horse to step on that damn dachshund and squeeze all the dachshund out of it like a dachshund brrito.
A dachshund isn't even a decent animal when it has the regulation four legs.
You know what I'm saying.
We want it as fast as you can make it.
A pegasus--how much? Oh, just hold on a second.
I want to show you something.
The seventh richest woman in the world just told you what she wants.
Get it for her.
Just hold your genetically unmodified horses, brownie.
I want you to meet someone very speal.
Is he going to bring out someone retarded and ask us for charity? If he does, we'll walk out.
Thank you.
Someone very special, indeed.
come on, come on.
come on, come on.
a baby elephant! Oh, look, bron, a baby elephant.
where is your mommy? Actually, ahem, I'm his mommy, and he's n a baby.
oh, yes, he is.
He's a vewy young elephant.
In spite of the quaint way that you are addressing him, he really is a fully grown, fully formed adult.
Je vous présent napoleon.
what? He said, "I present to you napoleon.
" It's french.
for the price I'm sure you're asking, that's the least.
For the price we're asking, he can read and write.
Oh, what beautiful writing.
He likes me! Oh, look, bron, he likes me.
He doesn't even know me, and he likes me.
I want a horse, martha.
Get the horse, if you want it.
I want the baby elephant.
Um, actually, he's not a baby.
He's full grown, and he comes with his own little bed.
Oh, sweetie does anyone else have one of these ings? Oh, good lord.
I wouldn't dare show him to you if you weren't the first.
- how much? - 3350000 Oh, write the check, bron.
I just don't think that a scribbling elephant is going to trump pudgy's dachshund.
What about the pegasus? Well, get the pegasus if you want it.
Napoleon makes me give up all thoughts of ego and revenge.
He makes me want to be pure and good and kind.
Anyway, we couldn't possibly supply you with a pegasus today.
You don't want us to have a pegasus, and I know why-- because you don't know how to graft wings on a horse.
I don't know how to graft wings on a horse? That's like saying the creator of "bugs bunny" wouldn't know how to animate a bouncing ball.
Look here, brownie, you're not the first cabana boy to come waltzing in here with his wife's money, asking for pegasus.
- I have never been so insulted.
- who's bugs bunny? Let me explain something to you.
I can make you a living thing-- I won't call it an animal-- the size and the shape of this table here.
Alive?Yeah, but good for what?Ingesting food? Making chemical energy, doing doo-doo? Displaying irritability-- aah.
come on, it's a stupid, silly manipulation.
Mechanically, a table and a horse are two very different things.
hmm, sure, I could make you a winged horse.
You just said you couldn'T.
Permission not granted to interrupt.
I said I could make you a winged horse.
It just won't fly.
An animal is a machine.
It's a heat engine that uses levers and hydraulic systems.
You savvy aerodynamics? I have a jet, of course.
Do you run your jet on hay? Because a horse is a hay-burner.
An aerodynamic horse would need a breastbone 10 feet wide, a wingspan of 80 feet.
Folded, its wings would cover it like a huge tent.
If I we you, I'd be saying, "cargrew, you're a whore.
"What the world needs is the return of the gulf current.
"What the world needs is cures for cancer, swine flu "and inherited wealth.
"And what are you doing?What are you doing? "You're acting like a french toy maker "two years before they cut off the head of marie antoinette, "supplying t parasite classes with grotesque diversions "like opera-singing cuckoo clocks, "when you should be out there manning the barricades, "chief engineer to a 10-seat guillotine.
"Instead, you're making miniature elephants.
"You're disgusting, cargrew, "a pathetic representative of science gone bad gone way bad.
" Well, that's what I would be saying, and more, but I'm through giving the enemy all my best ammunition.
My husband is not a cabana boy.
He's a caddie.
There's a difference and we'll take the elephant.
- do I really look 100? - No, no.
Oh, what do you think I need? Um, hmm we'll talk later.
well, that's jerry.
What's he doing?Where are they going? Well, wait.
That joe, jerry--he just said something to me.
Oh, forget about him.
No, no, I think he was saying, "help me.
" "Help me"? Good lord, no Ah, no, what he was saying was, "kill me.
" Yes, "kill me.
"They all say that near the end.
You're going to kill him? Well, this batch is scheduled for liquidation in what, two or three days?When's processing? - two hours.
- Oh, there you are.
- Two hours.
- Two hours.
He's going to die.
We're all going to die.
Well, I know that, but we're not dying on schedule.
next.
Oh, my.
this way, move it through.
candy.
Candy.
Candy, please, missy.
- Candy.
- Hello, jerry.
Candy, missy? Uh here, jerry.
A candy, a mint.
Oh sankoo, missy.
Me jerry.
How do you do, jerry? Howdy, missy.
This is not a good idea.
Well, bronson, doesn't he look exactly like uncle albert, except that he's so sad? Jerry, why are you so sad? Ask a spare tire to describe a rose.
Joes don't have abstract reasoning.
Jerry sad.
Well, he answered.
No, he spoke.
He didn't answer.
Why, jerry?Why are you so sad? Oh, no work, no sigret, no candy.
No work.
What happened?What was he designed for? Well, let me see.
This batch were uh, minesweepers for the army.
We tried to retrain them as carpet cleaners, floor polishing, even as gardeners, but their genetically imprinted pattern that they walk doesn't include them getting around the furniture.
Joe, walk the field.
Jerry walk the field.
Jerry?Joe walk the field.
See?jerry walk the field, walk the field, jerry.
No boom.
Get candy?Get sigret?Sigret? He was sent into minefields? Yes, well, obviously he made it out.
But jerry wants to work.
Work?Oh, sure, mike.
Good work.
Uh, jerry walk the field.
One step, one step, one step.
No booM.
Safe, safe.
You're going to kill him, and he wants to work? Look, let me just tell you this.
He was trained and bred to be blown up.
And now the army has no further use for him, there's nothing for him to do.
So all we're doing is just trimming off the bad parts of his life, and don't forget, the joes wouldn't be here if we hadn't been here, because we invented them.
- How much? - How much what? How much will it cost me to buy him from you? And how many parakeets did you buy from the pet store this morning so you could let them all fly free? You wanna save that joe from dog food? You turn them into dog food? A very good large breed puppy food, actually, high in protein.
- Oh, my god.
- This is our business, baby.
We sell everything but the oink.
Anyway, he's already been paid for.
Come on, toots.
I mean, you're one of the richest women on the planet.
How'd you think the world works? I-- that's my fault.
I work very hard to keep her happy and amused and distract her from the pain of the world.
Except the joes don't feel any pain.
There, you heard it,artha.
See?They don't feel pain.
But if he likes candy, he feels pleasure.
But it's not the same as you and I wanting it, honey I want him.
Now I want him even more.
I want him.
What are you going to do with him?Are you going to look for mines? - Oh, walk the field.
- Stop, jerry.
I'm going to rescue him.
How much?! Don't tell me you're changing your mind about napoleon, the scribbling pachyderm.
If I can't have the joe, you can't have the elephant.
I'm not giving this company any of my money if I can't have the joe-- jerry--if I can't have jerry.
I told you the dog food company paid for him already.
Well, how much, and I'll pay it back? Is it--is it the sale that you d't want? We could always lease him.
Brownie, you had a good idea just now--a very good idea.
Lease hmm, lease.
Yes, that may work, actually.
Son of a gun, you got me there.
All right.
One year, paid in advance.
- Martha- - whatever.
Jerry.
Jerry, you're coming home.
Oh, boy.
What a good elephant.
no more writing on the floor, nappy.
Remember what I told you? He likes me.
You can let him express himself if he likes me.
It's just ink.
It'll wash off.
Here.
well, so what? All gone.
Sigret? Sigret later, jerry.
Oh, jerry messY.
Jerry need clean up.
I think you need to clean up, jerry.
Oh, no boom today.
Jerry walk.
Jerry no boom.
Walk, no boom.
Candy?Sigret? Oh, jerry work good, boss.
jerry work good, boss.
Think you're jealous of jerry's happiness, brownie.
Uh, he has no emotions, martha.
The elephant has more emotions than the joe.
Don't you, boy? don't you have more emotions that that silly old joe? Oh, jerry sad.
No sigret.
Oh, jerry sad.
Oh, jerry, I don't want you to be sad.
Brownie sad.
Brownie alone here.
Missy never clean up brownie.
Brownie didn't serve his company--country.
Whatever, company, country-- you didn't serve either one walking in the minefields.
come with me, jerry.
It's bedtime.
he's sitting on my pillow, martha.
He's just a joe, brownie.
- Yeah? - He's just a joe.
nappy likes his bed.
Oh, look, martha.
I put on half a pound this month.
I'm gonna work out.
Come with me.
Let's go down to the gym room, and we'll throw on a movie and watch it for a couple of miles on the treadmill, hmm? You go.
I'll stay here and take care of nappy.
Well, tell nappy I said good night.
You don't care about your weight, do you, jerry? Jerry like candy.
That is such a simple truth.
I don't know how to say a sentence with just three simple words.
- Sigret? - Or one word.
What's it like being jerry? Oh, it's silly to ask, isn't it? Might as well ask me what it's like being martha.
Jerry, uh, walk? Well, that's it, isn't it? Jerry walk.
Martha spend.
Jerry smoke.
Martha diet.
Martha make love to husband.
Martha roll over and go to sleep.
Martha wake up.
Martha work out.
Martha spend money.
Martha spend lots and lots of money.
Do you even know what money is? Oh, candy.
Uh, sigret? Of course.
What else can it be but what you buy with it? And if you don't spend it, then it's nothing.
Oh, did I get this right, jerry? - If money is just candy and cigarettes- - no, sigret.
Sigret.
if money is just what you trade it for and you don't trade it, then you don't have any money.
We live very simply like in the bible.
So if I have all my billions, but I don't spend them, then my billions aren't really there.
That's so simple and yet so complicated at the same time.
Jerry, look at what you know.
What if you're the last thing I ever buy except for clothing and shoes and travel? I'll be happy.
Thank you.
Jerry want sleep now.
Jerry get sleep now.
Aah!Martha! he was lonely.
Oh, candy? Out now! Walk the field.
Oh, walk the field.
He's going back.
This isn't going to work.
If I had a minefield that he could sweep, then I-I could keep him busy, but I don't have a minefield.
EndrÃa ocupado,he's ours.
We got a lease on him-- no option to buy, and I'm taking him back.
If you do, I'll leave you.
You'd leave me for that weapon detector? You'd--you'd leave me for that thing? Not "thing.
" Jerry is a him.
If you want to keep him, you'll have to sue controlled genetics.
Do you know how much that's gonna cost you, martha? Think hard--it or me? Suing controlled genetics will cost me a lot less than making good on the prenup, darling.
I'll take this to court.
I'll keep him, and I'll keep you.
now look what you've done.
You woke up the elephant.
no boom.
the lease agreement is very clear, mrs.
Van vogel.
There is no lease option to buy.
So I haven't saved his life.
It wasn't yours to save.
And after all he did for his country-- I mean, company.
Company-- except for the part about not actually dying, but he might have, and he shouldn'T.
Poor jerry.
So I came to you because I want to sue them to change the lease.
I want to sue for ownership, and then I want to set him free and I want to stop all this killing.
If you were able to prove that their methods of disposing of these things were inhumane, or if they were negligent of their physical welfare before destroying them or if the destruction was wanton- - but it is.
- Not in a legal sense.
You cannot compel a person to maintain property at a loss.
What do you think, mr.
Mccoy? Could we approach this through the S.
P.
C.
A.
? No.
No, the S.
P.
C.
A.
Angle's no good.
Cargrew's lawyers will be ready to prove that the joes actually enjoy being killed off.
What are you thinking? Does jerry like music? Like it?He loves it.
He's been learning to sing.
I'd like to hear him sing.
Well jerry, take out your ear thingies.
Oh.
Good boy.
Jerry, sing us a song-- something you like.
jinger bez jinger bez, jinger awrah day oh, wot fun tiz to ride a 1-hoss open sray sr is that your phone number? No.
That's what it will cost you to hire me to take this case to court and win it.
One of the richest women in the world is putting it all on the line today-- fighting to save a joe named jerry.
I guess I'd taken for granted all of the joes in the world until I met jerry.
Are you saying that this joe is a human? I'm saying tt jerry and all the other joes shouldn't be turned into dog food when they're out of work.
Well, I don't work, and I would hate to be kibbled.
The club board has voted to terminate martha's membership.
We have joes working here, and the thought of martha coming into the club with a joe as a guest was, well, frankly disgusting.
A joe serving food to another joe, uh think about it-- it--it--it's insane.
It--it'S well, I've said it.
It's insane.
All rise for the honorable judge alexa pomfrey, judge leo tolchinsky and judge wendy narita.
you may be seated.
As many as 12 billion people are watching this trial.
This tribunal is gonna be very disappointed if the outside media circus affects the deliberations in here.
Each of us has at least 70 years experience as a judge, and I think that we've developed a reputation for fairness and good manners.
In the matter of jerry-- no last name, described as a legal, permanent resident-- against the corporate person, controlled genetics, forbidding it to do him any physical harm, and in particular, forbidding the company from killing him.
Counsel for the plaintiff, are you ready to begin? a corporation is a legal fiction.
It can't vote.
It can't read a book.
It can't walk the dog, but you are gonna hear this imaginary soulless entity argue that a flesh and blood creature, a being of, uh, hopes and longings and passions-- that fictional entity is gonna argue that a friend of mine has no legal existence, and that's what we're talking-- that's who we're talking about-- right over there.
Jerry.
My friend jerry.
Sigret? later, jerry, later.
Don't tell me to tell you that jerry doesn't exist, because, of course, I know the joe exists.
I see him sitting over there.
But is he alive? I don't deny that he has a sort of life, but he's not really a person.
He's the product of a series of patents.
Everyone thought the future was going to be mechanical-- robots, robots.
But the world will not be served by toasters.
Now what--what is a joe? A joe is a few strands of human D.
N.
A.
Along with some other stuff which is proprietary, and then it's all manipulated to serve a specific sign.
I-I could give you an example.
There is camera joe.
And over here--minefield joe.
Case closed, your honor.
We'd like to show a video.
Hmm.
I like videos.
Great.
Let's watch.
This was taken six months agO.
Jerry is the one in the center.
company halt.
Sweep the mines, joes.
Walk, no boom.
Yeah, well, maybe "walk, no boom" for you, joe, but- - jerry.
- Just watch.
sigret.
Sankoo.
thank you.
What did you just see? Well, I think it's obvious that he doesn't care whether he lives or dies, and that's the way I designed him.
He's not afraid of death.
Then it's into the bus, and after that it'S know what I mean? No problem-O.
He's not a man.
Your honor, I move to dismiss this case.
I would do the same thing if I were you.
Mr.
Mccoy, can we call it a day? Call it a day, your honor? A day? you saw the video? I di your honor.
I saw the video, and--and the video, your honor-- the video proves that jerry-- your honor, jerry is a man.
I knew it.
I just want to ask you a couple or three questions.
You with me? Yes.
Why was jerry set for destruction? The truth.
There was no more money in him.
I mean, it's--it's like A a different form of layoff.
In the old days when a car company stopped making money on a model, they'd fire the workers and keep the pensions.
Now we we liquidate them.
A lot less misery, if you ask me.
Thank you, mr.
Cargrew, for your honesty.
- It's a pleasure.
- Next witness.
you may step down.
Mr.
Mccoy, who do you want to call? - Jerry.
- Objection your honor.
This anthropoid cannot be examined.
He is a mere part and chattel of the respondent.
That's what we're trying to determine.
Objection overruled.
Okay, jerry.
They want you to talk now.
You know what to do.
And then I get candy? Then you get dignity.
No dignity, boss.
Candy.
Candy now, dignity after.
Your honor, objection.
The joe can't take the witness stand because he can't swear to an oath.
He doesn't have the understanding.
What do you say to that, mr.
Mccoy? I say let's put him on the stand and find out.
Proceed with the oath.
Raise your right hand.
Hello.
Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god goddess, buddha, allah, great spirit, higher power, gaia and the great turtle that supports the universe? Boss?Okay, boss.
Jerry, my friend, you're a good worker, huh? Oh.
Oh, jerry A good worker.
Jerry dig up weed.
Jerry no dig up vegetabar.
Yeah, yeah, but jerry good singer, too, aren't you, jerry? Your honor, objection.
This line of questioning is irrelevant.
Objection overruled.
Continue.
Jerry, would you sing us your favorite song? Oh.
Oh, jinger bez, jinger bez jinger awrah day oh, wot fun is to ride in 1-hoss open sray no, th-thank you, jerry.
I want to establish for the court that jerry likes christmas music.
Now I have another question for you, jerry.
How many fingers am I holding up? Oh, one, two, sree, four, five.
Six fingers, jerry.
Oh, five, boss.
Six fingers, jerry.
I'll give you a cigarette.
- Oh.
Six - for a cigarette.
How manyor a sigret? Okay, just stop right there, jerry.
Your honor, could we replay the video of jerry in the minefield? - Why? - Why not? Run the video.
okay, uh, speed it up to about halfway through.
Good.
Stop right there.
Let's go back and play that again, only closer on jerry's last contact with the other joe.
okay, freeze it now.
okay, stop.
Now, jerry, when you went behind the other joe, did you give him a little push so that he would move into what had been your row? Oh, joe go boom, jerry--jerry get candy.
Yes.
Joe go boom, jerry get candy.
Jerry, why did you move behind him? Oh, jerry, uh jerry see mine.
Jerry see mine, and jerry switch places, and joe go boom and jerry get candy.
Jerry see land mine, and jerry switched places, and joe go boom and jerry get candy.
Let's review the facts, my friends.
Let's go over what we've just seen.
One--jerry likes christmas carols.
Does that make him a man? I think it does, but you want more evidence.
Two--he wants a cigarette, and he is willing to lie to get one.
He is willing to take a bribe to subvert what he knows to be true.
Does lying make him human? I think it does.
But you want more evidence? What about what we just saw on the video? Three--jerry is willing to sacrifice another joe to save his own life.
What's more, he told us about it on the stand.
He admitted to something that most of us would be ashamed to admit to.
Tell me, please tell me, what could possibly be more human than self-preservation and a callous disregard of others? You can program a robot to sing a few songs, but does a robot cheat? No.
Does a potato cheat?No.
Jerry is capable of cheating.
Can--can I let you in on a little secret? And--and please, don't hold this against me.
I believe in god.
And if god gave life to man, and man gave life to jerry, then there's a-- there's a little a little spark of the divine in jerry, just the same as there's a little spark of the divine in you, your honors, and you, mr.
Cargrew, and even you, mr.
Pyramus.
I am not gonna stand by and turn that little spark of the divine into-- into small breed puppy food and--and feed it to a dog.
No.
Call me old-fashioned, but that's not me.
That little spark of the divine.
- All those little sparks of the divine- - wait a minute! I hold the patent on that little spark of the divine! Mrs.
Van vogel, now that we can't kill the workers when they're no longer useful, we have to feed them and house them.
Prices are gonna rise.
Stocks are already falling on the news.
Controlled genetics just opened the doors and let all their retired workers out on the street.
Are you gonna take care of all of them? No, just one.
I have to say, this is gonna take me some time to get used to.
It's not how I was raised, but daddy always said, "brownie, morality is like the stock market.
" Well, I don't understand the market, and I don't understand morality, but I understand you, and you understand me, and meeting you has been the high point of my life.
Oh.
wow!Well, I like you, too, napoleon.
I do.
I like you a lot.
Why don't we go to the park tomorrow? No, no, not the park.
I'll take you to the club.
Oh, you'll like the club.
I do.
you promised you'd quit.
Sigret.
This is your last one, baby.
I want you to live forever.
Sure, baby.
Sigret.
What makes us human may one day be defined not by the gifts we possess, but by the virtues we lack.