Melissa & Joey s01e03 Episode Script

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Here you go.
Joe, nice try with the Vegas buffet, but these kids don't really eat waffles.
- No, these are amazing.
- You never liked waffles before.
These aren't yours.
Yeah, there's no ice crystals and you don't have to pry them apart.
- And there's no wax paper - All right, stop.
I see.
You're just trying to show me up with the kids, but come on.
You and I both know there's nothing special about these.
Oh, my mother of pearl! Oh, these are these are unbelievable.
I've had better.
All right, fine.
You can just have a cold English muffin then.
You know what? I'm actually just gonna take a few of these to the office because, yeah, I think there's some people there that might like them.
I don't like them, but All right, well, here.
Don't forget the bourbon pecan maple syrup then.
Here we go.
Enjoy.
Oh my! Pfft.
awful deal.
Seriously, awful deal.
But this says if I buy one, I get the second one free.
Sure, it's not a bad deal if you wanna fill up your pool with salsa.
See, they just double the price of the first jar then they toss in the second one "for free.
" In the real world all you need is this little jar they put way up here which is Look at that, much cheaper.
Wow, you're like a shopping superhero.
I am.
I am supermarket man.
- I'm Ashley.
- Joe longo.
It's my secret identity.
So when you're not saving helpless shoppers, do you ever have coffee? Lately I've been trying to cut back 'cause coffee actually dehydrates me so oh.
You mean "have coffee.
" Wow.
To be honest with you, I just separated from my wife and I'm not sure if I'm at the "have coffee" stage yet.
I have a slight bitter aftertaste from the last cup.
- I get it.
- Yeah.
Listen, I'm a Web designer so my days are pretty flexible, and just let me know when you're ready.
I'm ready! I'm actually free right now until I have to go pick up the kids.
A devoted single father.
I like that.
No, I'm not a father.
Actually, I'm a nanny.
( Laughs ) And a sense of humor.
I like that too.
( Laughs ) Seriously, I'm a nanny.
- ( Beeping ) - Hang on.
Oh, great.
Work emergency.
One of my Web sites just caught on fire.
My hair appointment's today with your stylist.
Do I tell him to make me look like Taylor swift from march or Taylor swift from April? They can do that to your face? You see this, ryder? It's a hot girl.
And this is as close as you'll ever get to one.
I'm good with that.
Morning, morning, morning.
This is not a tasty waffle.
Yeah, I'm not really in a tasty waffle mood.
I am.
What the hell happened to breakfast? I mean, what happened to you? All right, I was at the market, ran into this really cute girl.
We started talking.
Totally hit it off until I told her that I was a nanny.
She ran out of there so quick she left a hot girl-shaped hole in the side of the store.
Joe, that really sucks.
But the important thing is you remembered to get the pudding, right? Look, that was just one shallow woman, okay? There are bound to be lots of women who'll be attracted to you.
Not me, God no, but somebody.
Thank you, Burke.
I'm all better now.
There are billions of women out there, okay? The math is totally on your side.
Oh, great.
So math is my wingman.
- All I'm saying is - No, look, I'm fine.
I'm gonna do something later this afternoon that's gonna cheer me up anyways.
- Oh, really, what? - My divorce hearing.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go pick out a tie to go with losing my shirt.
Ow.
Do you really think a woman is gonna want anything to do with a nanny? No, but I want my belgian waffles back.
And I'm not gonna get some until he gets some Thing.
Something.
That was so close to being awkward.
The zoning hearing was pushed to tomorrow.
And last and most importantly on the agenda this morning Muffins! Ooh! I don't think I can.
I had waffles yesterday.
You had carbs without me? Joe made syrup with bourbon, pecans and cinnamon.
It was like Christmas in my mouth.
( Knock on door ) Mel Burke? Liz castaldo? I thought I would find you in this building.
Oh, my gosh! Rhonda, this is Liz.
She was my sorority little sister.
You were in a sorority? Rah rah, phi gamma gamma gamma I'm so glad that is - what I am-a - loyalty, honesty - don't forget the glamma - we party so hard sometimes we end up in the slamma - never open a book - but we still pass our exam-a tri gamma yo yo, tri gamma yo yo suck it! it was mainly a community service organization.
Oh, Holy cow.
It's nothing.
Just some transit strike, riot thingy.
I'll get the lowdown.
You sisters keep rapping, a'ight? So what are you doing here? I have a job interview with the mayor's office.
Back in college did you ever think either of us would be walking the halls of power? Maybe, in handcuffs.
Hey, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
I was a little early for my hearing next door, so I thought I'd stop by and say hi.
You sure you're not just here to use our incredibly clean bathrooms? What? No.
The key's not on Rhonda's desk.
What's up with that? Liz, this is Joe longo.
Joe, this is my old friend Liz castaldo.
- Pleasure.
- Same here.
Liz is here to interview with the mayor.
Yeah, I am in that sexy world of municipal accounting.
- What do you do? - Me? Actually, I used to be a commodities trader.
But, well actually, now to be honest with you, - I'm working - Freelance! A freelance financial consultant.
That's it.
Yeah, and he dresses this well all the time.
- Can you just hang on one second please? - No, you don't have a second.
- You've gotta get back to work.
Go go go! - What are you doing? Go make money, you and your fancy suit.
It was very nice to meet you.
Bye.
He seems really nice.
You and he aren't Oh, God, no! No.
Ew! I mean, no.
No.
So any chance you can maybe hook a little sister up? Absolutely.
Faster than you can say belgian waffles.
- Hey, whatcha cooking? - Hey.
A little french country bouillabaisse with a caramelized onion tartlet to start.
Ooh, I've never had tartlet.
I've been called one.
- This is Mac and cheese.
- Yeah, isn't that funny? I just lied about what it was.
Ryder, Lennox, dinner's ready! Don't get your hopes up.
Does this have anything to do with me telling Liz you're a financial consultant instead of a nanny? - Absolutely not.
- Liar.
Takes one to know one.
Look, I just wanted Liz to go out with you.
So basically what you're saying is if I tell people I'm a nanny, I'm never ever gonna have sex Safe sex With a woman ever again.
Mrs.
geller at the end of the block is available.
Dude, she's like 100.
Put some new tennis balls on her Walker, you could make it happen.
By "it," do you mean a heart attack? What? Nothing.
Nothing.
None of us noticed that sock monkey that you killed and put on your head.
I'm wearing this because of what your hair butcher did to me.
It was so awful I had to re-cut it myself.
You cut your own hair? I love your hat.
( Beeping ) Hey, Mel, your friend Liz just texted me.
She wants me to meet her for coffee tomorrow.
So this is where you thank me for hooking you up with a smokin' hot girl by hooking me up with a smokin' hot onion tartlet.
Why bother? When she finds out what I do it's gonna be a totally moot point.
Okay, look, she wants to go out with you, okay? She met you.
She likes you for who you are.
Just don't tell her what you do for a living.
She was kind of cute.
We did sort of have a little connection.
- I don't know.
- Okay, do what you want.
There's always Mrs.
geller as a backup.
Sold.
- Hey, let me help you.
- All right.
So how did coffee with Liz go? It went okay.
Lamb, chutney, masala sauce.
Something tells me that coffee escalated into some bam-chicka-wow-wow.
It actually went good.
We haven't technically got into the wow-wow part yet, but we got really close.
I knew lying was the way to go for you.
- Yeah, I was thinking about that - No no no.
You let me do the thinking.
You sit across from Liz and look pretty.
Look, it went really well with Liz, all right? It might actually go somewhere, but not if I keep lying to her.
Lying is such an ugly word.
But it's the right word, so let's go with that.
In the beginning of a relationship everyone sculpts the truth a bit.
Take the push-up bra.
In that case, you would lift and separate the truth.
You have me in a push-up bra? Yeah, and it looks good on you.
Yeah? Well, it's starting to feel a little pinchy.
All right, look.
I am seeing her Friday night and the truth is coming out.
Fine.
Maybe by then she'll have fallen for you and you'll be ready to take off the push-up bra and let the girls fly.
Your aunt is speaking figuratively.
I always prayed for a nanny in a push-up bra.
Funny.
Real funny, God.
- ( Knock on door ) - Liz: Hey.
Just wanted to stop by and thank you for hooking me up with Joe.
I'm going with him to dinner tonight.
God, it is so nice to finally find a normal, stable guy with a good job.
That's why we call him "stable good job Joe.
" Oh, and speaking of jobs landed it! I'm gonna be working for the mayor's office.
Awesome.
I'm so proud of my little gamma sister.
What are you gonna be doing? I'm looking into waste and fraud.
I'm gonna doing this in-depth audit of all the city council members.
I don't envy those poor bas say what? Chillax.
I know my big sister would never lie to me.
Pshaw.
Huh-uh.
Come on, girl.
Your audit is gonna be a breeze.
It's gonna take, like, two minutes.
I can always trust a gamma.
Yeah, that's what I am-a.
However, your fellow city council members I'm gonna put their nuts in a vise and squeeze.
It's gonna be really fun.
( Laughs ) You're screwed, aren't you? Yeah, worse than pledge week.
Oh, thank goodness you're still here.
- What's up? - Nothing.
I just wanted to tell you to have fun - on your date tonight.
- I will.
Actually got a great evening planned.
I used your name to get us a reservation at Chez papillon.
Yeah, sounds magical.
Listen, it may not be a horrible idea - to keep the push-up bra on just a little bit longer.
- Why? Liz may not be ready to hear about you being a nanny.
Well, if she's not ready, I'm ready to suffer the consequences.
Yeah, but I'm not Ready to watch your relationship die.
Wow.
If that's how well you lie, how did you get elected? Okay, the truth is And it's kind of funny actually Liz was hired to audit all the city council members.
Oh, I see.
So if she finds out you lied to her about me She'll put my nuts in a vise.
Are you sure you weren't in a fraternity? Well, I was in plenty of those too.
No, please please, okay? Three more days, okay? That's when the audit's over.
You're my only hope.
I need to keep my honest reputation intact.
- So therefore I have to lie.
- Yes, please, lie for me.
Lie your heart out, okay? Cook up a deception casserole full of lies and falsehoods topped with a thick glaze of b.
S.
Again, your aunt was speaking figuratively.
That's cool.
I'm gonna go out and find myself a role model.
Hey, so how'd it go? Awful.
We had a really romantic dinner, got back to the car, started to make out, then she wanted me to take me back to her place.
So a beautiful woman wanted to sleep with you? Boo freakin' hoo.
I couldn't do it under false pretenses.
Oh, wow.
That's like, honorable.
Seriously, I really appreciate the sacrifice you made.
I don't think you do.
I wish there was something I could do to help, but that's really not my area.
You know what? I can't take this.
I am going with the truth.
- I'm calling Liz right now.
- No no no no no.
- Yes, I am.
- Wait wait wait.
Just three more days is all I'm asking you to hold out.
Two and a half really if you don't count half a day.
Why would I not count half a day? Because it makes it sound shorter.
I can't live like this, Mel.
I can barely walk like this.
Fine.
Fine, I'll just deal with the public embarrassment and the damage to my image.
You know, the image I've worked on so hard to ove I'm not just an irresponsible, flaky party girl anymore.
Fine, three more days.
No more.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! You can totally do this.
We just have to find a way to keep your mind off sex.
Ooh, call your mom.
Yeah, try it.
- That's not gonna work.
- It'll work.
There is no mood-killer like a mother.
Hey, mom, what's up? Did I wake you? Oh, you're still dealing with the foot, huh? No way.
You're draining the boil right now? Tell me about it, mom.
Please tell me about it.
What do you mean "what's going on?" What's so suspicious about a son calling his mother six, eight, I just wanna hear about your colonoscopy.
Again, just one more time, mom, please.
Mom, hello, mom.
( Beep ) ( Doorbell rings ) Yeah.
Liz, you're here.
You didn't hear me honking? I was right behind you.
Can I come in? Of course.
Yeah, come on in.
I've been dying to show you my place anyway, where I, in fact, live now.
Wow, it's beautiful.
How long have you been here? About 10 seconds longer than you.
Funny.
No, seriously, I love these throw pillows and those sconces.
I'm all about sconces, Liz.
Wow, those window treatments.
Wait a minute.
Something's going on here, because no man would pick out those window treatments by himself.
You hired a decorator, didn't you? Guilty.
Guilty as charged.
You are so full of surprises.
Oh, well.
I really like learning all these new things about you.
Me too.
You wanna I don't okay.
( Liz gasps ) Who's that? - I'm ryder.
- He's ryder.
- Who's ryder? - I'm Joe's nephew.
He's my nephew.
Joe took me in 'cause my dad's on the run from the law.
You never told me you took somebody else's child into your home.
I was hoping I would never have to say that.
- Oh, who's this? - Oh boy.
This is Lennox, my sister.
Joe took her in too.
It's not like you could break up the set, right? She was real sick, which explains her funny hat.
Right? He took you in too.
Yeah, Joe gave me a kidney.
Now I can pee again.
Joe, that is so unbelievable.
I could not agree with you more.
Hey, how's everybody Holy crap! Mel, hey.
Liz followed me home.
You know, back to my house.
- Oh, where you now live.
- Mm-hmm.
Why does Mel have a key to your house? Lots of people trade keys with their friends.
- Yeah, she feeds my dog.
- I water hiants.
- I feed his dog.
- She waters the plants.
Why is there a picture of Mel on your coffee table? Because she's my city council person and she fights for me.
And the reason that Mel's name - is all over your mail? - Oh oh, that's easy.
I used to own the house and now Joe bought it from me.
Is that what happened, Joe? What? You know what, guys? I'm not an idiot.
I know exactly what is going on here.
You two are one of those creepy couples that splits up and keeps living together.
- Yes, busted.
- No no, we're not.
Look, I am telling her the truth.
Okay, look.
All right, the truth is Our mortgage is upside-down and we can't afford to move out.
Will you stop it? That is not the truth.
Look, I should have told you from day one.
I wanted to.
I like you a l.
Here it is.
I am the nanny, okay? I take care of the kids.
I cook the meals.
I live in her house.
There it is.
Oh my God.
Nanny? Yeah.
You really expect me to believe a lame lie like that? - Creepy! - Wait a minute.
Liz, I'm telling you the truth.
Liz, I was part of a huge global financial scam.
It's the only job I could get, Liz.
Ah! I'd go to.
No one in this house will ever see waffles again.
- Figuratively? - Permanently! Well, I thought I was very believable.
- Don't you love audits? - I hate looking at receipts.
It's like fun I had in the past that I have to explain.
Hey, if you offered your friend Liz a bribe, do you think we write that off? Sure, why not? And I could write off any chance for reelection.
Oh look, it's a receipt party.
Should I get a keg? Hey, Joe, I just wanted to say I'm sorry that things didn't work out with Liz.
I promise, no more help with your dating life.
But it went so well.
Look, I know that being my nanny isn't exactly your fantasy career, but I really really love my job.
And your point is that at least one gets to live the dream? No, my point is that if I didn't have you to count on, I couldn't go to work every day and do what I love.
So thank you.
Really.
You're welcome.
You guys must be starving.
- You want some food? - Yeah, that'd be great.
- Joey: All right.
- Sure.
He's amazing.
You're in for such a treat.
All right, we got a choice Pizza taxi or chicken hombre? Bon appetit.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Okay, so look.
I'm just gonna say this.
I am a nanny and I'm proud of it.
It may not be the sexiest job in the world, but it's my job, - it's important and I do it well.
- I think that's great.
And if a woman cannot respect what? Wait a minute.
?? Made up that crazy excuse last week about a website on fire and ran out of here? No, the server really was on fire.
My assistant overloaded an outlet and fried my wiring.
So yes, I'd love to have coffee with you.
In fact, I'm free right now.
So you don't think there's anything unmanly about what I do? Of course not.
Well, a little bit, but I'm cool with it.
Well, then coffee it is.
At my place.
- I grind my own beans.
- Wow, you work fast.
No, actually, I have a load in the dryer.
We can chat, but you're gonna have to watch me iron.
- Ooh, sounds hot.
- You know, I'm also ironman.