Men in Trees s01e03 Episode Script

Previously on Men in Trees, In the studio to answer your questions is love doctor marin frist.
Just visiting, writing my next book on men, hoping you can all help me figure out what I need to learn.
I came here because I'm your biggest fan.
Do you notice all the men? Patrick's my favorite.
- Would you have dinner with me tomorrow night? - Yes.
- How's the writing going? - Great.
- How's the wedding canceling going? - Under control.
It's not like I haven't started moving forward.
I threw my wedding dress of a cliff, for pete's sake.
Littering the park is a federal offense.
You can pay by cash or check.
- Who is that nasty woman? - That's my mom.
He told chief celia to reduce your ticket because you were "going through something.
" We take care of our own.
That's right.
You are starting to like me a little.
calling all ladies of elmo and beyond, got some good news for you- there's a big event coming at you this friday, friday, friday when elmo's grange hall plays host to this year's bachelor auction to raise money for the new town lighthouse.
That's right, ladies, this is your chance to dig deep into your purses and walk off on a saturday dream date with one of the many handsome, hardworking gentlemen of elmo, followed the next night by a dance with your fella so come on out.
Sorry I'm late.
- I couldn't get my stupid truck to - come on out.
It's the elmo lighthouse bachelors auction, - with special celebrity host marin frist! - Huh?! I already announced it on the radio.
We're selling beefcake by the pound this friday, friday, friday! Women, hit the bank.
Men, hit the gym.
Coming up next, "first things frist with marin frist" after these messages.
We've never had to come back from messages.
We've never had messages before.
- Congratulations.
- Congratulations to you.
You're en fuego.
top of the world tackle bought some space on your show.
Huge.
It's quite huge, - but I wanna get back to talking about the auction.
- Oh, yeah.
Who you gonna bid on? I cannot, uh, host your auction.
I'M not an auction hoster.
But I announced it.
- It's announced.
- Well, can't you unannounce it? We can start to gue about this, and I can beg and beg and eventually turn on the puppy dogs, and you'll break.
I just thought I could save us some time.
Oh, you're good.
Oh! Another first today- certified mail.
Ooh! - Yeah, do we need, like, a witness or anything? - You know what? Um it's a check.
Whoa, $13,073! That's powerball money! It's a refund check for my half of the wedding deposit.
It's weird to actually hold it.
The last remnant of my wedding.
You okay? You know what? I am.
This is a good thing.
This check is a bonus for my making the right decision.
- More likhe made the wrong decision.
- True.
Wow, nothing an ex-bride likes more than being reduced to a number.
number to be reduced to.
U're on.
Good morning, elmo.
I would like to start off the show with a question for all of our bachelors getting ready for friday night's auction.
How much do you think you're worth? - This is for $13,000.
- Mm-hmm.
Whoa! $13,000?! - You're -you're getting paid $13,000? It's the refund check for my half of the wedding.
Graham and I were gonna split the cost.
That guy was gonna make you pay for half the wedding while he was cheating on you? Classy.
I'm not gonna dwell.
I have big plans for this money.
Smart.
You're a single girl, and you should have a plan.
I'm gonna use it to celebrate myself and my singlehood.
I'm gonna spend it at my leisure on my leisure.
Ben I'd like to buy a round.
Hey, yeah! next one's on me, guys! you can't just blow this money.
- You have to save it for a rainy day.
- What rainy day? The one that you don't see coming.
My meemaw used to tell me a sile woman should put away over half her earnings for a rainy day.
It rains here a lot, marin.
Well, I'll worry about the rain when it comes.
Right now I got 13 big ones burning a hole in my pocket and I wanna get rid of it all buy something frivolous and expensive something I would never get if I were in a relationship.
Please let me invest that money for you in long-term, high-yield municipal bonds.
I'd buy shoes.
Oh, now we're talking.
- What kind? - Sneakers.
Matty grows through them as quick as I can buy them.
And then I'd probably get a new chain saw.
Oh, god, then I'd the roof fixed.
No, I'd get a new roof.
I haven't had a new roof Well, I've never had a new roof.
You know, you should spend some of that money at the auction Perhaps I will.
Perhaps I will buy me a man.
You know, it's not just any guy.
I mean, I'm doing it.
Buzz, too.
If his wife lets him.
- Buzz is married? - To mai.
- She's an import.
- Hmm? - A mail-order bride.
- Mail-order? Does everyone just buy each other around here? - What about you, ben? - What about me? Well, you're not exactly a bachelor, are you? You know, we're giving separation a try, seeing other people.
So you're playing the field, too, huh? Not right now, but I could.
Hey, ben, can I get a beer? What about you? Are you gonna sell yourself off, too? - Oh, town needs a lighthouse - Oh, wow, I would've pegged you as someone who found a bachelor auction ridiculous.
I do.
Hey, jack, you find your, uh, skunk yet? No.
I'm gonna stake out the dump later.
- Why all the fuss over a skunk? - Uh, it's out of its element.
Skunks aren't suited for the cold up here.
She should be back in the lower 48 huddled up with her mate.
She's alone.
Did it ever occur to anyone that the skunk wants to be here, that maybe she's fine and doesn't need to huddle with anyone? What if she's celebrating the idea of making a go of things by herself? - Yeah.
See you around.
- Leave the skunk alone.
- hey, who put that song on? - Me.
You don't like it? - You want me to take it off, ben? - That's okay, jerome.
- Care to dance? - What the hell.
It's their song.
- At least, it used to be.
- Oh.
wild card, which changes the color to blue which leaves me with uno.
Hey, I'm getting hungry.
When's lunch? I just called it in five minutes ago.
A little patience.
Yeah, well, let's switch places and talk to me about patience then.
- What'd you do this time, buzz? - Nothing, baby.
He knows perfectly well what he did to get in here He was speeding, then he upped it to assaulting an officer I was doing 57 in a 55.
I had every right to flip you off You press my buttons, I show you the bird.
Every week it's something else with you.
At first, I liked the bad boy thing.
It was sexy.
But now - how much is the bail? - Oh, there's no bail.
No, he'll serve his time as always.
Buzz just needs a little time-out every once in a while.
He's a hothead.
Don't waste any money on bail, mai.
- Besides, I don't have any flights today anyway.
- Oh, I need you at home.
- That piece of crap water heater broke again.
- All right $300.
What?! I was saving this money for the new balenciaga motorcycle bag.
Does patrick know you're rearranging his furniture? Patrick knows nothing about feng shui.
The balance in this room is completely off.
This is a room for a couple- two plants, two nightstands the bed in the middle of the room ready for two people to climb into it.
Well I'm single now.
Move it in to my personal power space.
I know what you're thinking - feng shui is so 1999.
Which means, uh, we still have about six months before it catches on in elmo.
- Do you want some help? - I got it, thanks.
Good luck with your, uh, personal power space.
ow! Damn it.
Patrick? Anybody? oh, dear.
- ready? - Yeah.
And lift! - this is gonna be tougher than I thought.
- No, it's not bad.
- The nail turns black, it falls off, then you're done.
- I don't mean the toe.
While I was standing here with the bed on me I couldn't remember ever having trouble moving furniture around before and then I realized why.
'Cause you always had a guy around to move it with you Well, actually, I usually had a guy move it for me while I pointed to where I wanted it to go I've been in a relationship since I was 14 You had relationships at 14? his name was danny imber, and he moved my desk for me.
I was gonna be in a couple for the rest of my life.
And then my fiance decided he wanted to be in a couple with someone else.
And now I'm alone with this check.
- I'm not good at alone.
- What are you afraid of? I'm not saying it's the end of the world.
I'm sure there are great things ahead.
I guess I'M just afraid that when the great things happen, I won't have anyone to share them with.
- Don't you ever get lonely? - Not really.
I have my son.
Oh, I was thinking about, um what you said at the chieftain, and I was wondering- how much does a new roof cost? I haven't bothered to check.
Why? Well, I have this money.
I want to celebrate being single with it, and you're single.
And you sound like you could use it, so how about it? Let's celebrate you.
I don'T need your marriage money.
this is big right? Dinner with celia? It feels big.
It's just dinner.
Right.
I mean, we've already met.
- We share an office.
- You've already met.
Let the love fest begin,I say.
- She's been waiting.
- She always does that.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi, mom.
- Annie.
- Hi! - Any word on the skunk? - Uh, not yet.
Jack's on it, though, and I've been posting flyers all day.
I know.
I've had to take most of them down.
Town ordinance.
You can't just go around willy-nilly putting up posters, okay? There are gnated areas.
- I-I made a pie.
- Oh.
Patrick's not much of a pie person.
He prefers cake.
I like pie just fine.
I think it's great that prick comes over here every thursday for dinner.
Yes, well, he used to come over every night.
- So was that a commercial I heard on the air this morning? - Indeed, it was.
Hopefully the first of many.
Oh, the way you were announcing the bachelor auction! "We're selling beefcake by the pound!" oh, honey, I laughed so hard at that, I had to pull the squad car over.
you should go to the auction, mom.
Honey, I don't need beefcake by the pound.
it's time, mom.
You never know where you're gonna find someone or, you know, they're gonna find you.
Yes, well, maybe you shoul do the same, hmm? Wouldn't that be a funny story for my grandkids, huh? "Your mom didn't just meet your dad She bought him.
" yeah, that'd be funny, - but I'm with annie now, so- - I think your mom's right.
- You should do it.
- Really? I've never bid on anything at an auction before, and you'd be the perfecprize.
I just got paid, and I have to save most of it but I have a little mad money.
How mad is it? $200.
That's some pretty angry cash I can't think of anything else I'd rather spend it on who's ready for cake? I don't get it.
You bought me, now I buy you? Must we continue this dance? It's for a good cause.
You know, giving and love andall that crap.
How much we giving and loving? - Not a cent over $200.
- Okay.
No, I don't think he has five children.
- Hey! - Hi! - Man, look at all the females.
- They've come from as far away as ketchikan.
Hey, uh, take a "manalogue.
" - It has all the vital stats on the gentlemen up for grabs.
- Oh, I don't need one.
I know exactly what I'm after.
- Hey, have you seen theresa? - Uh, I haven'T.
I was hoping she'd show up, throw me a rescue bid.
I keep seeing myself being taken home by some old lady with a bunch of pet rabbits.
Not even cats-rabbits.
- Who are you gonna bid on? - No one.
I'm just here to help out.
It feels kind of nice pimping you guys out.
Well, I'll tell ya, I feel like that doggy in the window.
Oh, please, a sweetheart like you is a hot commodity especially one with access to free booze - Thanks.
- Now get out there and wag that tail.
Hey! - I wanna talk to you.
- I'm, uh, busy.
Here's a manalogue.
- You're late! - Um, I know.
- The truck's broken.
- Well, start studying up on that manalogue.
You should know what you're selling.
- Um - hey! - You are marin frist from new york, new york.
- Uh, yes, I am.
- You must be mai.
- From shandong province shandong province.
I'm sorry.
Hey, doc, uh, buyers are getting restless.
- Right, okay.
Nice to meet you.
- Mm-hmm.
Sold for $190 to the lovely lady in the flannel jacket.
Congratulations! All right, up next is our pilot, buzz! he is offering a date in the air.
He is 65 years young and as daring as he is handsome, ladies.
But be warned- buzz is one of our married participants so although your flight might include a meal - it does not include membership in the mile-high club.
- Mnh-mnh.
okay, let's get the bid started at $50.
- $50.
- I have $50 from the missus.
- Do I hear $60? - $60.
$60 from the chief of police.
- Do I hear $70? - $70.
- Do I hear- - $90.
Our pilot is soaring high.
- $100! - $300! Bid's at $300.
Mai? Going once going twice Sold! Congratulations.
our next item is the radio personality that got you all to come- the aptly named patrick bachelor.
now don't let the sweet veneer fool you.
This is a wolf in she's clothing.
Okay, let's get him auctioned off.
- The bid's open at $50.
- $50! I've got $50 from the pretty lady in the front row.
- Do I hear $60? - $60.
- $60.
Do I hear $65? - $65! - $80.
- $90! $125.
He's cute.
- $130.
- $200.
$201? $250.
- Annie? - Annie? Going once going twice sold! whoo! We're seeing each other already.
- So what if he goes on one date with her? - Don't forget the dance, too.
Right.
That's two dates.
But I'll be going on lots of dates with him.
- And $250? That's crazy.
- It was a game of chicken, dear.
You blinked.
Okay, this is our local tavern owner, ben.
he's big, he's strong, and he's quite the connoisseur.
Ben would like to treat the winner to an evening of exquisite taste - from his personal wine collection.
- And cheese.
There will also be cheese.
let's get this rolling at $50.
- $50.
- and we're off.
- Do I hear $60? - $60.
- $80.
- $100.
Oh, smell you.
- Do I hear $120? - $125.
$130.
- $160.
- $200.
- Don't you have to wait until someone bids again? - $210.
- Aha.
- $250.
Once twice sold to the lady on the side who knows what she wants when she sees it.
(you go out and you don't know what to wear la la now with this type of dancing, of course you want, uh $90 $100.
Uh, why don't you guys share this man? $100.
$150? sold! Congratulations! and last but not least, we have our ruggedly handsome outdoorsman, jack.
jack is a fish and game biologist but he's good for more than tranquilizing a mad caribou.
jack, what kind of date do you have planned for the lucky winner? Uh, I didn't really have anything planned, but, I mean - I guess whatever she wants.
Anything? Yep, I'm at your service.
You heard it, girls.
It's ladies' choice.
Let's end this evening in a good note, shall we, and start this bid at $100.
- $100.
- I have $100.
- Do I have $110? - $110.
- $125.
- $135.
- $140.
- $145.
- $150.
- $160.
I'm in for $200.
- Can you bid? - I just did.
- $300.
- $400.
- $500.
- Let's put this baby to bed, shall we? $13,000.
for the good of the town, right? - Hi.
- Oh, you look nice, very well-groomed.
I'm not exactly sure what kind of date you're expecting for $13,000, but I was thinking picnic.
Oh, that sounds sweet, but I actually have some other ideas.
Okay.
What do you got in mind? Let's start with the bed.
The-the bed? Could yo uh, move it back against the wall? Uh, all right.
I don't like this, buzz.
I don't like it one bit.
I'm gonna take her up for a spin eat a burger and come back.
- You take her for a spin.
- Please.
We've been through this.
You should've let me bid more.
This woman's into you.
She's just lonely.
And you know we have a history.
I used to fly with her husband.
Yeah, and now she wants to fly with my husband.
You are being ridiculous.
She's not into me.
Oh, lordy.
Spin, burger, back.
Spin, burger, back.
How's it going in there? - Almost done.
- Well, good.
You've got lots to do today.
I can't believe this is the date you paid for.
Why not? The town needs a lighthouse.
I need some stuff done around here.
Besides, this is all the stuff I'd be paying my super to do anyway.
- What's a super? wilderss boy,don't worry about that.
Focus on the shelves.
- theresa? - Out here.
Oh, like a summer's day in may what is love? What is love - thanks for the rescue last night.
- Mm-hmm.
What's all this? Well, I bid on you, - so I'm following through.
- Hmm.
For the connoisseur.
Hmm.
Were you jealous? It's okay.
- I understand jealousy.
- No.
- No, we had the thing before.
- Mm, the dancing? Yeah.
I - I know that things are odd right now and we're going through this.
all right, celia, where are we headed? I was thinking sitka.
I can't believe I packed a picnic basket.
I can't believe i bought a picnic basket.
And I really appreciate it.
I'll make it up to you tomorrow night at the dance.
I do a mean hustle.
I still have to go to that thing? I shelled out 13 grand for you, mister.
That parts, labor and fox-trot.
All right, start her up and rev the engine.
- ahh, I think we're good! - well, we better be.
- I-I'm done.
- What? - I-I said I can't do anymore.
- Okay.
- oh! - What was that? oh, my god! - I thought you said, "put it to the floor.
" - Okay, date's over.
night, steve.
Hi.
- Sara, have you seen marin? - I haven't seen her.
- What's the matter? - I-I've got a problem and I wanted to get some help from marin because, uh, well, that's what marin does.
She helps.
- Well, can I help? - Well, uh I screwed up huge with patrick.
I talked him into that stupid auction planning to bid on him, and then that whore- no offense- swept in and grabbed him.
- Well, it's hard to compete when it comes to money.
- That's just it.
I have money.
I wanted to outbid her, but in the back of my mind, I kept hearing my meemaw reminding me that a single girl doesn't have a guy to rely on and needs to save for a rainy day, you know? An emergency.
And now patrick's out with her - and I'm here with my stupid $200 - All right.
Annie, refresh my memory- which girl bid on patrick? Tall, blonde painted-on sweater.
All right, annie, this sounds like an emergency.
Yeah, it sure does, doesn't it? this is weird.
Now why would you say that? It's not weird.
It's perfectly fine.
I'm used to talking to you through bars.
Now we're eating prime rib, and you're all dolled up.
I'm not dolled up.
Sure, you're wearing lipstick and a skirt and glitter.
This is how one dresses when-when one is off duty and enjoying a meal.
I'm allowed to be glittery.
remember that time you, me and hal came here, and we had steak and got drunk on sambuca, Huh? - celebrating he'd flown 50,000 miles without a scratch.
- Right.
Hal was always safe - till the one time he wasn'T.
- Yeah.
He's been gone a long time, celia.
-25 years -26 He's been gone 26 years.
Maybe it's time you moved on.
- I am.
- How? By sitting alone in your office or in your squad car until you get bored, and then you lock me up so you'll have someone to talk to? You deserve more than what you got, celia.
You should be with someone.
But I'm married, and I love my wife.
Until now, things have been great.
I even took her to my mom's for dinner.
I thought we were rock lobster solid and then this.
What am I worth to her tiffaniii.
- Two f's,three I'S.
- Right, tiffaniii, yeah.
I'd even take a loan out to buy her.
Are you gonna eat those? - You can't do this.
- Do what? - Go out with - tiffaniii.
- It's two f's and three n'S.
- It's I's, not n'S.
Whatever.
I don't care what her name is.
- You're mine.
- Actually, he's mine.
I bought him.
Well, tiffaniii, I made a mistake.
And this is $860- my entire paycheck, minus taxes.
- I'm all in.
- Annie, you don't have to do this.
This is what I have been saving for, patrick.
You are my rainy day.
- Do we have a deal? - Sure.
You could've had him for way cheaper.
He's been talking about you all night anyway.
Really? Uh, hey.
What's going on? What, you need me to grout your tub? No, I wanted to check on you, see if you were okay.
- I'm good.
- No, you're not.
- You're limping.
- No, it's fine.
It's just an old sports injury.
It acts up whenever I'm hit by a truck.
- Have you even had breakfast yet? - Not hungry.
Would you please let me do something for you? - I feel terrible.
- Well, don'T.
It was an accident.
It's just breakfast.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Now go back to whatever it is you were doing.
I'll find my way around the kitchen.
Haven't really had time to get to the store.
You know, skunks and auctions.
what's this? - Uh, it's yesterday's breakfast.
- Okay.
- Don't lose hope.
- I'm really not that worried.
"Tomato alphabet soup.
Single-serving size.
" That's just sad.
Yeah, I use them when I'm out on the trail.
This, my friend, is no way to live.
- Morning.
- Hey.
Wow, last night - that was amazing.
Yeah.
It was, yeah.
What? I think maybe last night was a mistake.
- You didn't have to shop for me.
- It's okay.
I actually enjoyed it.
- I like picking out food for other people.
- Right.
Oh, uh, it's like jerky.
You know, for the trail.
What about all these teas? Oh, um, one's for healing, one's to help you sleep, and one's for balance.
- Osteoporosis? - It's yummy.
Trust me.
When was the last time you cleaned this thing out? Ok, I have work I should be doing.
Go ahead and work.
Don't let me stop you.
Stop! What are you doing? - Throwing this rotten junk away.
- That's not rotten junk.
Those are plant samples that I've been studying and collecting for three years.
Oh.
My bad.
Look, uh - I appreciate all of this.
- I really do.
But, you know, I'm not like you.
I don't have a problem being alone.
Neither do I.
You sure? It seems like you need more than a super.
It seems like you need company or somethin'.
please, I'm fine.
You've been here for over six hours.
Helping.
Look, I just I just need some space.
Whoa, buddy, you breaking up with me? Well, that can't be happening 'cause we aren't dating.
- Oh, I know we aren't dating.
- Well, then why are you cleaning out my fridge? Okay, mr.
Space, I'm off to be alone now.
You know, I didn't shell out $13,000 to be criticized Well, criticism's on the house.
Okay, good luck to you.
- Stop! Marin, don't move.
- Oh, I'm moving.
Oh, here's your damn skunk! Why is it raising its tail? Does tomato soup help? The acids in the tomato are supposed to break up the oils in the spray.
Mostly you're just gonna smell more like tomatoes than skunk.
- Are you crying? - A little bit.
I'm sorry.
It's just I'm the skunk.
What? I'm lost up here, and I can't be left alone to take care of myself.
I can't even move furniture.
I know I sound crazy.
I mean I write books telling women not to be like this and now here I am, like this.
Alone.
You don't sound that crazy.
I got this huge check, and I was supposed to be all about celebrating my single self.
I was gonna buy myself anything I wanted.
What did I run out and buy? I bought a man 'cause I can't handle being single.
I'm stinky single-serving soup.
Come on.
That's not true.
You're not bad at being single.
I still sleep on one side of the bed.
Well, that's the small stuff, right up there with rearranging furniture and fixing the car.
You left everything you've ever known and moved 4,000 miles away to rearrange your life alone.
That's big.
Don't sell yourself short.
- you had an "X.
" - Don't remind me.
Oh, no on your cheek.
You had an "X.
" Oh.
well, I think we need more soup.
Right.
Good.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, no problem.
Even if you're stinky, I'm still going to the dance with you.
You know what? Thanks but I think I should go alone.
thank you for buying me back at a scalper's price, no less.
- Money well spent.
- Yeah.
patrick - that was our first kiss.
- Uh-huh.
- What do you think? - I think it was definitely $860 worth of kiss.
whoo.
New perfume? Long story, but at least you're talking to me.
- I didn't mean to insult you the other day.
- I know.
- You were trying to help.
- That's what you do.
I've been on my own for a while now and maybe it's made me tough.
I guess I've always been kind of proud of that but maybe a little too tough, because when you made that offer all I heard was pity, and I overreacted.
Believe me, the last thing I would ever feel for you is pity.
You're a single girl making a go of it.
I can't wait to be as strong as you.
Shouldn't you have a date? Where's jack? I thought I'd fly solo tonight.
one of the hardest things about being single is the believing that you're worth something alone.
Too many single people sell themselves short.
here's what I think.
Maybe there's a real value to figuring out who we are alone.
because we can't invest in someone really special until we invest in ourselves.
maybe being alone isn't something to be suffered through.
Maybe it's something to celebrate.
please don't feel like you're alone stand stand on your own and sometimes the universe celebres with you.
And just because you don't have someone to share the celebration with doesn't make it less beautiful.
like the other night- I got a meteor shower, just for me.
not too shabby for a single girl, huh?