Metalocalypse (2006) s01e03 Episode Script
Birthdayface
Ladies and gentlemen on bass guitar William Murderface.
Murderface! Murderface! Hey! All right.
Pour it in.
Easy, easy, easy.
Hey, Pickle, tell Murderface what you just told me about that guy.
- Hilarious.
- That dude you head-butted? The guy was a Danish prince.
Can you believe that? The Dutch! Check it out.
He's got a brain contusion and a fractured skull.
And he's last in line for the Danish royalty.
That is messed up, dude.
Well, that's what he gets for going after my harp.
- Awesome.
- Dude, I would have done the same thing.
- Dutch.
- Yeah, well, it's official.
I mean, you're getting really good at head-butting.
- Bunch of jerks, anyway.
- Hey, look at this.
God.
E-vites.
- A birthday party for Murderface? - Where is it going to be? - In the toilet, in a bus station? - Oh, that's brutal.
Can you believe, right off the top of my head just making up like this? Wait a minute.
The guy's a nihilist.
What does he want a birthday for? Inside, outside up or down.
Show up if you want.
Who gives a piss? Oh.
Fuck me.
We're gonna have to get him a gift.
~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Dethklok, Dethklok Dethklok, Dethklok ~ ~ I'll teach you ~ ~ Who rock ~ ~ Dethklok! Dethklok! ~ ~ Skwisgaar Skwigelf Taller than a tree ~ ~ Toki Wartooth Not a bumble bee ~ ~ William Murderface Murderface, Murderface ~ ~ Pickles the Drummer Doodily doo ~ ~ Ding-dong, Doodily doodily doo ~ ~ Nathan Explosion ~ It seems that William Murderface's birthday has thousands of fans rioting in the streets of Paris.
Apparently, Murderface made some disparaging remarks about the Louvre and what do you know? They all stink like Vive Murderface Fires are raging in the South as more fans celebrate William Murderface's birthday I'll kill you all! I'm gonna kill everything in sight.
Dethklok rules! Happy birthday, Murderface.
We've censored the media since these fans have decided that mass destruction would make a wonderful birthday gift.
I believe we're all in great danger.
Military's on alert.
You have nothing to worry about.
Recent polls indicate that half the military are rabid Dethklok fans.
Now, if you'd please turn your attention to our birthday expert, Dr.
Gibbits.
Yes.
William Murderface's charts indicate a deep-seated rage which is split off and repressed at its core.
His self-Ioathing is expressed most publicly through bodily mutilation tattooing, alcohol abuse, and cobraphilia.
He blames others for his anger.
He misplaces his rage and its roots.
He seeks punishment, castigation and excommunication.
Self-destruction is the only way to validate powerful voices he internalized as a child.
This, combined with his immense wealth and popularity should make for a monumentally horrific birthday.
How are we supposed to get him a gift? All he wants is morbid crap.
And he's already got just about everything.
Look.
Give that here! Pick it up.
Can't we just give him some cash? What's the big deal? Not like purchase anything, like make something.
And the birthday cake.
It's got to be totally metal.
Got it? Or, maybe like, we get him an endangered species and then we could kill it? That'd be cool.
I just read about this thing online.
You can buy a star and name it.
Like, what if we named it, Muhammad Ali, the black prize fighter? That would be his gift.
Fuck you.
Wait a minute.
I got it.
We'll give him the blackest, most meaningless gift of all.
The queen of Denmark with her son prince Henry.
This is an original manuscript from Pieter Corneliszoon Hooft Denmark's most famous poet.
- Was he murdered? - No.
How much did it cost? - This is - Just keep it.
I'm getting the crappiest gifts.
Are you giving me a Sharpie for my birthday? - He's asking for your autograph.
- Here, let me sign.
The Dutch are scum.
What is that, metal frosting? That's amazing.
Please do not sample the frosting.
It's made of mercury.
You will die.
This is a complete and total, you know, sausage festival.
I love sausage festival.
Like in Vienna.
No, Toki, that was a sausage festival.
- That was good.
- Yeah.
It was a Vienna pork saus No, this means that there's no good-Iooking ladies to put you-know-what into side of them.
- The sausage? - Yeah.
Anyway What were you talking about, like, a second ago? I'm sorry I cut you off.
I got to make something for Murderface.
I'm gonna make him a Macaroni Murder lady.
I'm sure he'll hate that.
Pardon me.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the party.
As you well know no party is complete without a birthday party clown.
We have one of the finest rock 'n' roll clowns around.
So, please put your hands Yo, here comes the rock 'n' roll clown.
I'm Dr.
Rockso, the rock 'n' roll clown.
I do cocaine! I hear it's somebody's birthday.
I do cocaine! Dr.
Rockso gonna make you a balloon face.
Seriously, dude, a lot of cocaine.
Try it out! Wait a minute.
I think someone's out of tune.
Just a little more.
You popped a string.
Now, what did you expect from me other than the worst party in the history of Birth? Check, check.
Murder, slash.
That's good.
~ Many years ago today ~ ~ Something grew inside of your mother ~ ~ That thing was you ~ ~ You ~ ~ You, you, you, you ~ ~ Did she scream? Did she cry? ~ ~ One more year goes by ~ ~ RSVP Please ~ ~ For the death of kings ~ ~ You have little time ~ ~ You're running out of life ~ ~ Happy ~ ~ Birthday ~ ~ You're gonna die ~ Oh, genius.
~ Death, die ~ ~ Death, death ~ ~ Murder, death ~ ~ Death, die ~ ~ Die, die ~ ~ Death, death, death Death, death, death ~ ~ Death, death, death Death, death, death, die ~ And now the blackest present for the most brutal of all bass players.
Nothing! Oh, you suck.
You all suck! What's wrong? Go play records backwards and kill yourself.
Hey, fatso! We got your favorite thing.
Disappointment.
I guess this is a good time to start my side band.
Planet Piss.
I shall send for the rest of my parcels in the morning.
Attention! You big baby! What are you doing, going for a cry baby walk? Hey, why's everybody wearing camouflage? You joining the Marines? We wanted to surprise you in outfits.
- It's a stupid Navy Seal.
- That's part of the surprise.
- Why? - Because it makes us harder to see.
That's awesome.
Hey, douche bag.
Happy birthday.
Well, what do you think? Big fat tires and everything.
- But I already got, like, a million limos.
- Dude, not like this one.
This is the limo that Kennedy got his brains smashed open in with a bullet.
It's all souped up and desecrated.
Yeah, dude, in the driver's seat is the chair from, like where President Lincoln was shot and assassinated in.
And you're in the first-ever Dethklok Dethmolition Klokamatay Dethderby.
And I made you this Macaroni Murder lady.
What used to be the red hots for the blood but I ate them.
You mean, I get to destroy United States history? Literally?! Take that, America! ~ RSVP please ~ ~ For the death of kings ~ ~ You have little time ~ ~ You're running out of life ~ ~ Happy ~ ~ Birthday ~ ~ You're gonna die ~ ~ Die, die, death, death ~
Murderface! Murderface! Hey! All right.
Pour it in.
Easy, easy, easy.
Hey, Pickle, tell Murderface what you just told me about that guy.
- Hilarious.
- That dude you head-butted? The guy was a Danish prince.
Can you believe that? The Dutch! Check it out.
He's got a brain contusion and a fractured skull.
And he's last in line for the Danish royalty.
That is messed up, dude.
Well, that's what he gets for going after my harp.
- Awesome.
- Dude, I would have done the same thing.
- Dutch.
- Yeah, well, it's official.
I mean, you're getting really good at head-butting.
- Bunch of jerks, anyway.
- Hey, look at this.
God.
E-vites.
- A birthday party for Murderface? - Where is it going to be? - In the toilet, in a bus station? - Oh, that's brutal.
Can you believe, right off the top of my head just making up like this? Wait a minute.
The guy's a nihilist.
What does he want a birthday for? Inside, outside up or down.
Show up if you want.
Who gives a piss? Oh.
Fuck me.
We're gonna have to get him a gift.
~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Dethklok, Dethklok Dethklok, Dethklok ~ ~ I'll teach you ~ ~ Who rock ~ ~ Dethklok! Dethklok! ~ ~ Skwisgaar Skwigelf Taller than a tree ~ ~ Toki Wartooth Not a bumble bee ~ ~ William Murderface Murderface, Murderface ~ ~ Pickles the Drummer Doodily doo ~ ~ Ding-dong, Doodily doodily doo ~ ~ Nathan Explosion ~ It seems that William Murderface's birthday has thousands of fans rioting in the streets of Paris.
Apparently, Murderface made some disparaging remarks about the Louvre and what do you know? They all stink like Vive Murderface Fires are raging in the South as more fans celebrate William Murderface's birthday I'll kill you all! I'm gonna kill everything in sight.
Dethklok rules! Happy birthday, Murderface.
We've censored the media since these fans have decided that mass destruction would make a wonderful birthday gift.
I believe we're all in great danger.
Military's on alert.
You have nothing to worry about.
Recent polls indicate that half the military are rabid Dethklok fans.
Now, if you'd please turn your attention to our birthday expert, Dr.
Gibbits.
Yes.
William Murderface's charts indicate a deep-seated rage which is split off and repressed at its core.
His self-Ioathing is expressed most publicly through bodily mutilation tattooing, alcohol abuse, and cobraphilia.
He blames others for his anger.
He misplaces his rage and its roots.
He seeks punishment, castigation and excommunication.
Self-destruction is the only way to validate powerful voices he internalized as a child.
This, combined with his immense wealth and popularity should make for a monumentally horrific birthday.
How are we supposed to get him a gift? All he wants is morbid crap.
And he's already got just about everything.
Look.
Give that here! Pick it up.
Can't we just give him some cash? What's the big deal? Not like purchase anything, like make something.
And the birthday cake.
It's got to be totally metal.
Got it? Or, maybe like, we get him an endangered species and then we could kill it? That'd be cool.
I just read about this thing online.
You can buy a star and name it.
Like, what if we named it, Muhammad Ali, the black prize fighter? That would be his gift.
Fuck you.
Wait a minute.
I got it.
We'll give him the blackest, most meaningless gift of all.
The queen of Denmark with her son prince Henry.
This is an original manuscript from Pieter Corneliszoon Hooft Denmark's most famous poet.
- Was he murdered? - No.
How much did it cost? - This is - Just keep it.
I'm getting the crappiest gifts.
Are you giving me a Sharpie for my birthday? - He's asking for your autograph.
- Here, let me sign.
The Dutch are scum.
What is that, metal frosting? That's amazing.
Please do not sample the frosting.
It's made of mercury.
You will die.
This is a complete and total, you know, sausage festival.
I love sausage festival.
Like in Vienna.
No, Toki, that was a sausage festival.
- That was good.
- Yeah.
It was a Vienna pork saus No, this means that there's no good-Iooking ladies to put you-know-what into side of them.
- The sausage? - Yeah.
Anyway What were you talking about, like, a second ago? I'm sorry I cut you off.
I got to make something for Murderface.
I'm gonna make him a Macaroni Murder lady.
I'm sure he'll hate that.
Pardon me.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the party.
As you well know no party is complete without a birthday party clown.
We have one of the finest rock 'n' roll clowns around.
So, please put your hands Yo, here comes the rock 'n' roll clown.
I'm Dr.
Rockso, the rock 'n' roll clown.
I do cocaine! I hear it's somebody's birthday.
I do cocaine! Dr.
Rockso gonna make you a balloon face.
Seriously, dude, a lot of cocaine.
Try it out! Wait a minute.
I think someone's out of tune.
Just a little more.
You popped a string.
Now, what did you expect from me other than the worst party in the history of Birth? Check, check.
Murder, slash.
That's good.
~ Many years ago today ~ ~ Something grew inside of your mother ~ ~ That thing was you ~ ~ You ~ ~ You, you, you, you ~ ~ Did she scream? Did she cry? ~ ~ One more year goes by ~ ~ RSVP Please ~ ~ For the death of kings ~ ~ You have little time ~ ~ You're running out of life ~ ~ Happy ~ ~ Birthday ~ ~ You're gonna die ~ Oh, genius.
~ Death, die ~ ~ Death, death ~ ~ Murder, death ~ ~ Death, die ~ ~ Die, die ~ ~ Death, death, death Death, death, death ~ ~ Death, death, death Death, death, death, die ~ And now the blackest present for the most brutal of all bass players.
Nothing! Oh, you suck.
You all suck! What's wrong? Go play records backwards and kill yourself.
Hey, fatso! We got your favorite thing.
Disappointment.
I guess this is a good time to start my side band.
Planet Piss.
I shall send for the rest of my parcels in the morning.
Attention! You big baby! What are you doing, going for a cry baby walk? Hey, why's everybody wearing camouflage? You joining the Marines? We wanted to surprise you in outfits.
- It's a stupid Navy Seal.
- That's part of the surprise.
- Why? - Because it makes us harder to see.
That's awesome.
Hey, douche bag.
Happy birthday.
Well, what do you think? Big fat tires and everything.
- But I already got, like, a million limos.
- Dude, not like this one.
This is the limo that Kennedy got his brains smashed open in with a bullet.
It's all souped up and desecrated.
Yeah, dude, in the driver's seat is the chair from, like where President Lincoln was shot and assassinated in.
And you're in the first-ever Dethklok Dethmolition Klokamatay Dethderby.
And I made you this Macaroni Murder lady.
What used to be the red hots for the blood but I ate them.
You mean, I get to destroy United States history? Literally?! Take that, America! ~ RSVP please ~ ~ For the death of kings ~ ~ You have little time ~ ~ You're running out of life ~ ~ Happy ~ ~ Birthday ~ ~ You're gonna die ~ ~ Die, die, death, death ~