Micky Flanagan's Detour De France (2014) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1 Yeah? Yeah.
So this is your first travelogue.
It's not a travelogue.
What's going to become quite clear to people at home is that you actually are going to see two men slowly decompose.
VOICEOVER: In 2014, entertainer Micky Flanagan and bricklayer Noel Lynch left South London to follow cycling's greatest heroes on a detour of France.
Sometimes a man's life leads him to a road.
A steep road.
He's got no chance.
There will be big cheers! (MOCK CRIES) I've only forgot the sandwiches! (LAUGHS) There will be tantrums! I'm getting heart disease just looking at it.
I will not drink the '97 red.
I will not! Hands across the water.
HE CHEERS A hug! I'm honoured.
INTERVIEWER: So you've done the north of France, the east Where are you going next? North, east, south See how I work that out? I'm a natural.
I should be a sailor.
Yeah, the love affair was in full swing at this point.
It could only get better.
This is where people do a lot of thinking in the south of France.
Art and sunshine and sort of glamour and sophistication.
It was time to go and check that out, really.
BELLS TOLL VOICEOVER: Once a year, on May 24th, 50,000 Gypsies head to the remote Camargue for an event that the Catalan diarist Jacques L'Escale described as the one time on earth that God allows the divine and the profane to touch.
Welcome to Camargue.
This is the festival of Black Sara.
This pace It's still normal.
I think you've got bowl feet, place like this.
I think it is What is festival pace? South London Let's walk along like we're giving it some love.
The festival was all about a girl called Black Sara.
Sara? Yeah, she was a sort of A statue.
Don't know if she was originally a statue.
She is now.
And they carry her down one street SONG: # Thunderstruck Yeah, yeah, yeah # .
.
up the other street.
Back down another street.
They give her a little wash in the sea .
.
and then they put her back on the stand.
MAN LAUGHS PILGRIMS SING Some claim Sara was an Egyptian princess, others a servant to Mary Magdalene, shipwrecked on these shores 2,000 years ago.
She has been rejected by the papacy but is adored by the gypsy faithful who claim that she has miraculous powers.
I mean, I really like going into different cultures and trying to examine who are they? What sort of human beings are they? What makes these people tick? And I did need a hat.
As well as staging one of life's true great spectacles of humanity, the Camargue also offers surprising shopping opportunities.
Oh, look.
That's a bit of me, that.
That is Yeah, yeah.
Great.
Oh, sell me a motor.
THEY LAUGH What do you think, madam? It's all right.
Yeah? Beautiful Beautiful.
Thank you.
Merci.
Shall we get a nudie tattoo? I am going to tell Kath it's permanent.
Freak her right out, it will.
Merci.
You like, madam? Now all I've got to do is get myself a cap sleeved T-shirt.
I used to love a cap sleeve.
Come on, Noel.
We are never going to pull sitting here, are we? HE LAUGHS ALL EXCHANGE GREETINGS That's how I used to look.
We tried to get right into the middle of it, but it's sort of a bit odd in a way because in the UK, our relationship to gypsies is you tend to meet them and ask for your things back MAN LAUGHS The festival attracts gypsies from across Europe - Hungary, the Catalans, the Balkans and France.
I've stumbled onto a very, very early party.
Impromptu campsites on the small town's outskirts spring up.
It's here, away from lens-fixated tourist throng that the area is full of what the Flamenco Gypsies call duende.
The moment that magic, abandonment and music collide.
Brilliant.
He is a bit of a chancer.
There were a couple of moments when I just thought, "Yeah, this is a bit of me, this.
I really like it here.
" So it was great to go into their world.
They are the last of the countercultures.
Men all had vests on.
What's not to like? And the women were all making an effort.
It was nice to go there.
It was nice to go back to 1973.
Just did a little single to camera there.
Did you see that? Just a little single.
Do you want one? Do you want to go and do one? THEY LAUGH The French have been producing wine in the Rhone since Gaulish times.
But vinier Alain Viret owner of the Domaine Viret, doesn't look to the past to make wine.
He looks out to the stars, to the cosmos.
So, Gemma, your mission, should you choose it today, is to try to find out why and how this man is making cosmic wine.
Bonjour.
Enchantee.
HE SPEAKS FRENCH Welcome to the Domaine Viret.
Let's get to the real kernel of the issue, the heart of the matter.
How does he make his wine cosmic? HE SPEAKS FRENCH OK.
HE CONTINUES SPEAKING FRENCH OK.
THEY LAUGH I'm lost! What we're learning about the French is there are no short answers when it comes to wine or food.
I've forgotten the question.
There are many elements that go into making cosmic wine.
Lunar cycles are strictly adhered to for the cultivation and harvesting of grapes.
And druidic stones and crystals are strategically placed on energy-loaded ley lines all sourced by the ancient practice of divination.
With the baguettes, he can pull, he can find that energy.
But it's coming out from the centre of the cave So you can find water with it, energy lines with it.
And dogs, apparently.
And dogs, yeah.
HE SPEAKS FRENCH Hey! Look at that.
That is energy.
And he moves back again.
Look.
As you can see, as he comes out of this signal, it goes back.
Something is there.
Get a shovel.
What is it? That's crazy.
Yeah.
Can I try? Yes, but Can you ask him if you are a cynic? You are cynical? Yeah, does not work if you SHE SPEAKS FRENCH Prince Charming.
Prince Charming.
That will probably just discover the wine you had last night.
He says it's not going to work if you don't really think it.
You've got to think about the energy coming out of the I'm thinking.
TENSE MUSIC PLAYS You can advance.
Go a bit quicker than that.
This is TV quick.
Oh, look at that one.
Yeah.
See? I am a natural.
Even though I deny the energy passing through me, it comes through anyway.
He is a natural and he SHE SPEAKS FRENCH You've got sensibilities.
I think there may be a dog down there.
Did you buy into it? No.
Thank you so much.
Tell him we love his passion.
We love your passion for life.
Is it possible we could taste it as well? Any chance of a boost? It was a lovely wine.
That is very, very good.
But like all these things Superb.
.
.
it makes you feel better as a person, doesn't it? Well, I'm eating organically, I'm drinking cosmically.
I think that would get you leaving in the morning.
You know, so when you're sort of in the police station with the handcuffs on and they say, "What on earth has happened?" You say, "Oh, I drank 16 bottles of cosmic wine, officer.
"Stop punching me.
" Thank you.
Merci.
For your hospitality.
We're going to go and shout out the car window.
Provence.
That's how you say it, by the way.
Proveeeeeence.
You leave the 'ence' at the end.
Provence.
Nature's temple to light has proved irresistible to artists for millennia.
Provence seems to be a perfect place to say, "I'm going to go and have a little think.
"I'm going to have a little think about this, "especially if I've made a few quid.
" Slow walk.
I'm learning.
I'm just getting down to your tempo.
I've started to move a bit slower.
Slower.
Don't go any slower.
That's stopping, I think.
This man has got loads of art in his garden.
Cezanne, Matisse, Picasso - all giants and in the footsteps of giants grows the curated art that is Phillippe Michelon's garden.
Look and learn.
That's what I'm here to do, mate.
This is like an educational trip.
By the time you go home, you're going to be a right ponce.
If I wasn't already.
Hello.
Bonjour.
Bonjour.
Nice to meet you.
Lovely to meet you, Phillippe.
OK, you are welcome in my garden and I'm very happy.
Oh, it's a pleasure.
Can we get in the trolley? Yes, if you like.
But I think it's better if you leave the trolley because they are full of knots.
The bad knots.
of the life.
OK.
That's what that represents, is it? Exactly.
It represents the bad knots of your life.
And I think it's better if you leave it on the bracket.
Leave your knots behind.
Exactly.
You understand.
Deep, man.
Forget-me-knots.
I don't want it.
And now if you like, if you are ready, we can go into the garden of the goddess Ishtar.
It is the woman.
OK.
So we are going into the lady garden.
Into the woman, yeah.
Look at it.
It is very nice.
It is.
Very pleasant.
It's big.
Every morning I walk in my garden every morning, I talk with my roses.
4,000 roses plants.
As you married, Phillippe? Yes.
I am married with a woman and with 4,000 roses.
Does she ever tell you to "tidy that bleeding garden up!"? It's absolutely magic for a man to have 4,000 girls.
Yes, I think so.
Yes.
This is your beautiful wife? Yes.
She is my beautiful wife.
I can see where you get your inspiration from.
This is your number one rose.
ALL EXCHANGE GREETINGS Do you never get depressed or unhappy? Sometimes when I have a problem with a lover.
Lover.
Lover.
Yes.
Not your wife we met before? He was quite odd to see a man who enjoyed pleasures of the flesh.
I have my wife.
Yes.
My wife.
My official wife.
Official wife.
Yeah.
You understand? Yeah, yeah.
INTERVIEWER: Did you believe him? You know what? I did believe him.
He seemed like a man that got up in the morning and got things done.
And what is this, Phillippe? What's this about? Is this just a hose? No, no THEY LAUGH Oh, you never know.
I thought it might have symbolised the complexity of life.
That you can easily get wound up.
I understand HE LAUGHS VOICEOVER: The light brings the artist to Provence, but for those that struggle with the rest of the world, it is the gentle stretch of minutes into days that makes this a perfect place to heal.
That's what brought Vincent van Gogh, Provence's most famous and troubled artist, to the area.
It was here, above the chapel of the psychiatric hospital of St Paul that van Gogh used art as a form of therapy and where, 125 years later, art and music are still being used as primary forms of care.
It's a great place that basically helps people with broken minds.
We are very, very lucky to get in.
They don't invite many people in.
You like? This has seen some action.
I am like an artist.
Like an artist.
Are you in a flowery mood? Flowery.
Yes.
I'm in a very serious mood.
Lots of yellows.
That was too much.
HE LAUGHS Got any ideas what you're going to paint? No? Don't copy me, then.
Yeah.
I'm going to copy you.
That's exactly what I'm going to do.
Van Gogh is here again.
Is that the sun? HE LAUGHS I've gone straight in.
I think it's the sun.
Yeah.
Trying to symbolise passion.
I think the sun in Provence creates passion and lust in people.
I'm enjoying this.
It's quite relaxing, isn't it? It's very relaxing, painting.
Yes, I see.
Miles away.
THEY LAUGH You're finished already? Yeah.
It's as good as it's going to get.
I'm only going to make it worse.
This is the Channel.
SHE GASPS It's important to the French, the Channel, because it means you are not English or British.
You know what the English people say THEY LAUGH They say SHE SPEAKS FRENCH Yes.
And this channel has created many, many problems.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So the sun creates hot passion in Provence.
Everyone wants to make love.
Here is a man and a woman making love.
Not yet.
They are not Yeah, but, you know I couldn't put a penis there, so No.
It's the symbolism of You understand? Yeah, I know.
And they create a baby.
All right.
A baby.
And that Grass? This is just the constant grass in Provence.
Everywhere is green, green.
Yeah.
It's a dark green.
It's sad.
Sad green.
And my grass.
Happy grass.
Nicer.
The grass of a simple man.
It's the grass of a happy man.
This is a complicated man.
That's right.
Children.
Children! HE LAUGHS Mature.
Human being.
A real human being.
You thought about it.
This is childish grass? Yeah.
Back to the drawing board for me.
I told you you've got to grow up! Stay as a child for a long time.
Yeah, exactly.
You are happier.
Yes, exactly.
Well we can say I prefer this one.
Yes, thank you.
Look.
A bit like mine.
It's very much like yours.
There's a house in it.
The only thing this is lacking is some wine and a bicycle.
The bicycle is not there.
The use of art and music as therapy in St Paul dates back to 1890.
Today, it is Dr Boulen who has taken on the role of van Gogh's original carer, Dr Gachet.
I'm really slowing down on this.
I know.
You've got to walk slowly.
Like you're on Double Bubble.
NOEL LAUGHS Hello.
Bonjour, Dr Boulen.
Bonjour.
Hello.
Very nice to meet you.
Welcome.
Lovely place you have here.
You look very rock'n'roll.
Rock'n'roll? You do.
You look like you should have a band or be in a band.
When I was young, yeah.
The people who are here as full-time patients, what leads them to eventually come to this place? Principallydepression, anorexia.
Anorexia.
OK.
Sometimes alcohol, drugs.
Yeah.
But principally, depression.
Do a lot of the patients here have to stay here or are they free to go? It's complete hospitalisation.
But it's free.
So they're free to come and go.
Yeah, yeah.
It's free, it's open.
It's life, liberty and the music and the painting, it's a way for the free.
Expressing themselves.
Yeah.
Cos he drew a picture today.
It was like a three year old's.
Five.
Five, is it? Come on.
I'm not that stupid.
I'm not that immature.
Whereas my picture was a complex, crazy Everyone Wow.
Wow.
Yep.
OK, listen, it's been fantastic to meet you.
Keep up the great work.
OK.
That place today was unbelievable.
You could see it was peaceful.
You could understand how people get better there.
Yeah.
I worked in one in London.
A psychiatric unit.
I was building a new wing.
I went to lunch one day in the canteen.
They let us use the staff canteen.
And all the patients were allowed to go in there.
I was sitting in there one day having my lunch and there was a woman behind me with her daughter.
Her daughter kept going to her, "Mummy, can I have the sweets?" She was going, "Look, no, after your dinner, you can have them.
" She was like, "Please, Mummy, please.
" She was going "Look, I've told you.
No.
" I'm sitting there eating my lunch.
"Oh, for fuck sake.
"Tell her she can't have it.
" I turned around and there was just one woman sat there.
I went, "Oh I was out of the chair, out of the canteen like a rocket.
I didn't feel threatened in there today at all.
No, I didn't feel threatened.
I felt like a lot of people whenever you're around issues of mental health, you always feel like you're treading on eggshells.
You're never quite sure what the language we're using here.
No, I don't know.
What word do you use? What's the politically correct word to describe someone I always think, turn to the experts.
The people who work in that field, they will use the appropriate language.
They are doing it all day long.
We tend to go into their world.
I'm asking you what the word is.
Do you know? I don't know.
I assume that it's whatever word is not judgemental.
Mentally ill? Mentally ill? Mentally disabled.
Mentally ill, I think is probably So what's the final word on mental illness? Where does genuine talent begin and sort of insanity begin? Like George Best for example in the football.
The genius of a football player but obviously had a self-destruct button.
Yeah.
Cheers.
THEY LAUGH Georgie.
Oh, Georgie.
Georgie Best.
He had a song wrote about him.
It weren't that one.
THEY LAUGH VOICEOVER: France's mountainous south cradles the sovereignty of Monaco and her tax-efficient citizens.
Densely populated with incalculable wealth, it is a polarising state that demands and opinion of all that visit.
It was a strange old turn of events, really, because we went from this place that was all about art and about thinking and about helping people and Provence seems to try and least say there is more to life than just making money.
And then suddenly we went through a place where they seemed to be saying, "It's just about making money.
" RACING CAR SPEEDS PAS Are we going to be meeting the COCCS.
Champagne Oyster Club.
And David Coulthard is one of them, is he? Yeah.
Formula One driverwho lives in and around Monaco.
Oh, yeah.
Do you like Formula One? Do I like No.
I wouldn't say No.
If it's on the telly, I'll just turn over.
Because I think it's some blokes going really fast around a track.
What's that for, then? All right, hold up.
They don't seem to be going that fast.
No, it wasn't that quick.
Hi there.
Hello, gentlemen.
Are you the COCCS? THEY LAUGH We're the COCCS, but we have brought a variation of the COCC here.
Tom, lovely to meet you.
Hello.
Harry.
Nice to meet you, Harry.
DAVID COULTHARD: That's an impressive ride, all the way from London to the south of France.
Yeah, it would be if it weren't for the van.
THEY LAUGH Are we going some This is your regular ride? Yeah.
We all go out as a group from time to time.
There's some others that come as well.
We'll try and hang on.
If I do flag, go right behind.
Don't panic.
I always have a late burst.
Yeah.
It's very nice of you to allow me to go in front.
Yes.
Makes it look as if I can cycle.
I never thought I'd be keeping up with David Coulthard.
THEY LAUGH I don't want to make you feel bad but I've been retired for five years.
Monaco.
I've been here 24 hours.
In the restaurants and bars we've been in, I've not heard any laughter.
We get taxed on laughter.
THEY LAUGH There's someone else at another table who is a billionaire.
The millionaires are pissed off that they're not a billionaire.
Do you think so? Must be that.
Yeah.
You all live here? Yeah.
Why? Is it a financial thing, really? Cos there are other sunny, nice places in the world.
There are.
Financially, it's a great base, no question.
The biggest thing When I was living in London and I started racing Formula One, my house got broken into when I was at the Australian Grand Prix and when I was at the Brazilian Grand Prix.
If you're live at the Australian Grand Prix, even the stupidest burglar knows you're not coming home that night.
Is it also the fame thing.
Do you get left alone a little bit more? You get no bother.
You're not allowed paparazzi in Monaco.
They're not allowed?! Not allowed.
You can be a tourist taking a picture but if you have anything that looks like it might be for commercial gain, the police will take your film or digital card.
Really? So it's like almost like a great big private club.
It is.
Would you live abroad, though? No.
Never in one million years.
No.
I'm a Londoner.
It's who I am.
I go anywhere else and I'm immediately irritated.
THEY LAUGH You know, like As we came into Monaco, I felt like saying, "Just keep going.
" On paper, it is allegedly a glamorous place for the glamorous and the well-heeled and the beautiful and the successful.
Of course they're going to say that.
They won't say, "Want to squirrel your money away and never see a poor person again? Come on board.
" If you like money, hello.
If you don't, go away.
VOICEOVER: Until recently, the most distinct observation one could make of the village of Mougins was that Picasso died there.
Now it is the home of the School of Happiness, curated by the husband and wife team Gabriel and Billur.
Hello, Micky! Hi! Welcome! Hello.
Welcome to School of Happiness.
Thank you very much.
It is a school because we need to relearn new things in life, like how to connect your inner power and live from inside out.
Whatever is happening in the world, there is a happy place in you.
There is a peace in you and I hope I'm going to help you guys learn to discover that.
It was a lovely antidote, the School of Happiness.
This is what life is about, meeting people who are obviously slightly barking and have made a future for themselves by getting other people who are slightly less barking to give them money to all sit around and be barking.
So the very first thing I would like you to do, we are going to make a drawing of yourself.
NOEL: This is a self-portrait we're doing.
THEY LAUGH I'm not very good at drawing.
SHE RINGS BELL Oh, I see where you're going with that one.
Wow, wow, wow.
Let us see if you can This is how I see myself a lot of the time.
You have two heads.
Yes.
Sometimes I'm one person, I'm very happy and positive, and other times I'm very angry and negative.
And this is an open hand because I'm saying 'come' and this is a fist.
I'm saying, "We must fight.
Revolution.
" All right, Noel.
Let's discover your drawing.
Well, it's a very simple drawing.
THEY LAUGH I did say I'm not one for drawing.
Cos I'm at the School of Happiness and I thought, "What makes me happiest?" You basically drawed yourself out on your bike.
Well, that's where I'm happy.
Once you do that, if you like a beautiful big bird You turn.
You turn.
I could sit here for hours trying to make sense of it for you but no matter what I say this is going to end up a montage with a bit of stupid music over the top, guaranteed.
Go up.
Look at your toes.
Inhale deep MONTAGE MUSIC PLAYS .
.
oxygen and let go anything you don't want in your life.
That's it.
Wonderful.
Get up.
Not very supple, am I? And up.
Make it as better Stretching.
He's done it before, hasn't he? You see? This is how I make love as well.
He's got plenty of time on his hands.
I'm busy working.
Continue.
Let's go.
Breath in.
Armpit and strong, strong, strong, retain your breath.
Aaahhhhhhhhh Aaaaaaahhhhh It's the sandman's nightmare.
Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
And relax.
How was it? Very, very good.
I liked that.
This brings miracle.
You'll feel much calmer.
Yes.
Much calmer.
INTERVIEWER: Did Noel take much away from it? Yeah, he did take away something from it.
He took away a drawing that he had done of a bike again which was very interesting to see.
And can I take this with me? That's for you.
Exactly.
Good, good.
Thank you so much.
My pleasure.
Really good.
Can I use the word 'fun'? It was good fun.
VOICEOVER: The history of Cannes puts it on the cultural map ALL: Welcome to Cannes! It is a playground to the nautical elite that surveys its shores and the poser bourgeois who patrol the city's boulevards.
Oh, is it 'Cah-nnes or 'Can-nes'? How do you pronounce it? 'Cah-nnes', I think, is how you say it.
You're going to drive them wild.
I automatically know how to fit into a town like this.
You go out, you buy the basics.
A white watch to show your tan off.
Speedos for comfort in and out of the water.
Bish bash bosh.
Dry in five minutes.
Go and have a glass of wine.
The vest, obviously, Which is my second favourite garment in the world.
The first being? I'm never going to reveal that.
Oh, right.
THEY LAUGH And obviously I know.
Yeah.
Is it thighbag or bumbag gone wrong? It has never been equalled in the world of holiday wear.
And this one has got extra security.
Oh, the strap around the thigh.
Because, you know, I don't care where I am.
Watch out, watch out.
There's a thief about.
Find that hole.
Lose me down it.
Did you always want to come to Cannes or? They've been asking me for years.
But you know, I always say no.
Because there is this terrible collision, isn't there, between having too much money and no taste.
HE LAUGHS Look at the looks we're getting.
People are spotting style.
They're probably thinking, "This place has gone right downhill.
" If you come here next year, I bet this is back in season.
Cos these are fashionable people.
You know, they watch what's coming up, they go to the catwalk.
If there is not a guy walking along in one of these HE LAUGHS They won't buy it until it is made by Giorgio Versace.
That's him.
Oh, look.
That's the look.
MICKY LAUGHS No, you ain't enticing me.
Come on.
No, no, no.
What I was really going to do was give it some of that.
Oh, put it away.
You'll get us kicked out of Cannes.
This is a place for nudity.
It's one of the few places it's respected and admired.
It's only clothes, isn't it? Clothes don't maketh the man.
We're all exactly the same inside.
Now you're getting deep on me, man.
Yeah.
It's the sea, isn't it? The minute you look out, you know why you enjoy looking out to the sea? Why? Cos there's nothing there.
And you can fill it with whatever thought you want.
Yeah.
What are you filling it with right now? Changing probably? An ice cream.
Put a pair of shorts on.
There's something about looking out to sea The prevailing culture of the French Riviera is to promenade, to be seen.
But in a place like Cannes, it takes more than mere clothes to make a mark.
So our next visit is to a transvestite bar.
What you reckon? Oh.
Mm, I don't know.
There was a transvestite club.
We're in Cannes.
What's not to like? I was drawn to it like a moth to the flame.
This is the world of TV.
This is the stuff they're making me do.
Look, that's MICKY KNOCKS ON DOOR DOOR OPENS DOOR RUMBLES LOCK CLUNKS HEAVILY It's a bit sinister.
Hi there.
Hello.
Hello.
No, no.
Good to see you, Micky.
You're not having it? No, mate.
This is all yours.
This is where my showbiz career ends.
OK.
You snooze, you lose.
I'll see you later.
See you later.
DOOR CLUNKS HEAVILY This is the essential difference between me and Noel, that he still has a little thing called self-respect and dignity.
I tried to knock it out of him but it wouldn't happen, so occasionally I like to show him what you have to do.
Hello, Micky.
Lovely to meet you, Luna.
Lovely to meet you.
Yes.
The only way is up.
Now let's go for make-up.
Most men want to know what they would look like as a woman but they don't admit it.
I'm prepared to admit it.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Ooh-la-la-la-la! What are classic transvestite songs? Gladys Knight.
I Will Survive.
# First I was afraid, I was petrified Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side I think you will do the show with that song.
I'm starting to pout now.
Trying to feel like a woman.
I'm trying to get the woman to come out of me.
I've been a man for a lot of years.
Like, more? I hear you, but not too much.
A little bit.
Not over the top.
To be feminine with a little bit of masculinity.
Tiny bit of masculinity, yes.
Just keep the boys interested.
Mmm.
Yes.
I like.
I am smouldering.
You are ready.
Lovely to meet you.
Shall we do the kisses? Again? You like kisses.
Four.
NOEL LAUGHS I think I might have got a bit too involved.
THEY LAUGH You're not supposed to laugh! This is what Cannes is all about.
Is there anything you won't do? I'm just sitting here.
People watching can join me.
I'm sure they're going to start watching us now, though.
Yeah, he said I had to give myself a name.
Oh, yeah.
What have you gone for? Ginger.
THEY LAUGH So, where are we off to tonight, Ginger? I thought we'd go and watch a bit of boxing.
THEY LAUGH A-ha! Merci.
Merci.
For Ginger.
And this one is for moi.
Can you tell me where the ladies' toilet is, please? Ladies and boys is the same.
It's the same.
The same.
A-ha.
Mais oui.
THEY LAUGH You brighten the place up, Ginger.
You're even holding your Look.
I know.
He said to me, I had to be less HE GRUNTS I can't sit like this, can I? No, that would THEY LAUGH "What are you looking at?" I've got You know I tell you, you're quick learner, then.
Well, he said to me, "Just carry yourself like a woman.
" He said feel You have certainly picked it up.
"Feel like a woman," and .
.
jump over the shoulders.
People do a quick glance and then look away They don't want to stare, do they? They've just had dinner.
They don't want to look at me.
THEY LAUGH Can't take this place seriously, though, can you? No.
This is probably one of the most self-centred, egotistical places in the world.
You love it.
THEY LAUGH It did suit me, didn't it? I really thought that I grew into it.
I would probably tone it down a bit next time.
Just be a bit more subtle.
Maybe go more for a Sharon Stone look.
Rather than Sharon Osbourne.
You've got Even your chin looks different.
THEY LAUGH Don't get nothing for a pair.
Not in this game.
# Where do you go to, my lovely # When you're alone in in your bed Tell me the thoughts that surround you I adore English men.
Really? Voila.
# I've seen all your qualifications It's been emotional.
# Cos I saw # The light # In your eyes # In your eyes # Though we had our fling # I just never would suspect a thing # Till that little bell began to ring # In my head, in my head But I tried to run
So this is your first travelogue.
It's not a travelogue.
What's going to become quite clear to people at home is that you actually are going to see two men slowly decompose.
VOICEOVER: In 2014, entertainer Micky Flanagan and bricklayer Noel Lynch left South London to follow cycling's greatest heroes on a detour of France.
Sometimes a man's life leads him to a road.
A steep road.
He's got no chance.
There will be big cheers! (MOCK CRIES) I've only forgot the sandwiches! (LAUGHS) There will be tantrums! I'm getting heart disease just looking at it.
I will not drink the '97 red.
I will not! Hands across the water.
HE CHEERS A hug! I'm honoured.
INTERVIEWER: So you've done the north of France, the east Where are you going next? North, east, south See how I work that out? I'm a natural.
I should be a sailor.
Yeah, the love affair was in full swing at this point.
It could only get better.
This is where people do a lot of thinking in the south of France.
Art and sunshine and sort of glamour and sophistication.
It was time to go and check that out, really.
BELLS TOLL VOICEOVER: Once a year, on May 24th, 50,000 Gypsies head to the remote Camargue for an event that the Catalan diarist Jacques L'Escale described as the one time on earth that God allows the divine and the profane to touch.
Welcome to Camargue.
This is the festival of Black Sara.
This pace It's still normal.
I think you've got bowl feet, place like this.
I think it is What is festival pace? South London Let's walk along like we're giving it some love.
The festival was all about a girl called Black Sara.
Sara? Yeah, she was a sort of A statue.
Don't know if she was originally a statue.
She is now.
And they carry her down one street SONG: # Thunderstruck Yeah, yeah, yeah # .
.
up the other street.
Back down another street.
They give her a little wash in the sea .
.
and then they put her back on the stand.
MAN LAUGHS PILGRIMS SING Some claim Sara was an Egyptian princess, others a servant to Mary Magdalene, shipwrecked on these shores 2,000 years ago.
She has been rejected by the papacy but is adored by the gypsy faithful who claim that she has miraculous powers.
I mean, I really like going into different cultures and trying to examine who are they? What sort of human beings are they? What makes these people tick? And I did need a hat.
As well as staging one of life's true great spectacles of humanity, the Camargue also offers surprising shopping opportunities.
Oh, look.
That's a bit of me, that.
That is Yeah, yeah.
Great.
Oh, sell me a motor.
THEY LAUGH What do you think, madam? It's all right.
Yeah? Beautiful Beautiful.
Thank you.
Merci.
Shall we get a nudie tattoo? I am going to tell Kath it's permanent.
Freak her right out, it will.
Merci.
You like, madam? Now all I've got to do is get myself a cap sleeved T-shirt.
I used to love a cap sleeve.
Come on, Noel.
We are never going to pull sitting here, are we? HE LAUGHS ALL EXCHANGE GREETINGS That's how I used to look.
We tried to get right into the middle of it, but it's sort of a bit odd in a way because in the UK, our relationship to gypsies is you tend to meet them and ask for your things back MAN LAUGHS The festival attracts gypsies from across Europe - Hungary, the Catalans, the Balkans and France.
I've stumbled onto a very, very early party.
Impromptu campsites on the small town's outskirts spring up.
It's here, away from lens-fixated tourist throng that the area is full of what the Flamenco Gypsies call duende.
The moment that magic, abandonment and music collide.
Brilliant.
He is a bit of a chancer.
There were a couple of moments when I just thought, "Yeah, this is a bit of me, this.
I really like it here.
" So it was great to go into their world.
They are the last of the countercultures.
Men all had vests on.
What's not to like? And the women were all making an effort.
It was nice to go there.
It was nice to go back to 1973.
Just did a little single to camera there.
Did you see that? Just a little single.
Do you want one? Do you want to go and do one? THEY LAUGH The French have been producing wine in the Rhone since Gaulish times.
But vinier Alain Viret owner of the Domaine Viret, doesn't look to the past to make wine.
He looks out to the stars, to the cosmos.
So, Gemma, your mission, should you choose it today, is to try to find out why and how this man is making cosmic wine.
Bonjour.
Enchantee.
HE SPEAKS FRENCH Welcome to the Domaine Viret.
Let's get to the real kernel of the issue, the heart of the matter.
How does he make his wine cosmic? HE SPEAKS FRENCH OK.
HE CONTINUES SPEAKING FRENCH OK.
THEY LAUGH I'm lost! What we're learning about the French is there are no short answers when it comes to wine or food.
I've forgotten the question.
There are many elements that go into making cosmic wine.
Lunar cycles are strictly adhered to for the cultivation and harvesting of grapes.
And druidic stones and crystals are strategically placed on energy-loaded ley lines all sourced by the ancient practice of divination.
With the baguettes, he can pull, he can find that energy.
But it's coming out from the centre of the cave So you can find water with it, energy lines with it.
And dogs, apparently.
And dogs, yeah.
HE SPEAKS FRENCH Hey! Look at that.
That is energy.
And he moves back again.
Look.
As you can see, as he comes out of this signal, it goes back.
Something is there.
Get a shovel.
What is it? That's crazy.
Yeah.
Can I try? Yes, but Can you ask him if you are a cynic? You are cynical? Yeah, does not work if you SHE SPEAKS FRENCH Prince Charming.
Prince Charming.
That will probably just discover the wine you had last night.
He says it's not going to work if you don't really think it.
You've got to think about the energy coming out of the I'm thinking.
TENSE MUSIC PLAYS You can advance.
Go a bit quicker than that.
This is TV quick.
Oh, look at that one.
Yeah.
See? I am a natural.
Even though I deny the energy passing through me, it comes through anyway.
He is a natural and he SHE SPEAKS FRENCH You've got sensibilities.
I think there may be a dog down there.
Did you buy into it? No.
Thank you so much.
Tell him we love his passion.
We love your passion for life.
Is it possible we could taste it as well? Any chance of a boost? It was a lovely wine.
That is very, very good.
But like all these things Superb.
.
.
it makes you feel better as a person, doesn't it? Well, I'm eating organically, I'm drinking cosmically.
I think that would get you leaving in the morning.
You know, so when you're sort of in the police station with the handcuffs on and they say, "What on earth has happened?" You say, "Oh, I drank 16 bottles of cosmic wine, officer.
"Stop punching me.
" Thank you.
Merci.
For your hospitality.
We're going to go and shout out the car window.
Provence.
That's how you say it, by the way.
Proveeeeeence.
You leave the 'ence' at the end.
Provence.
Nature's temple to light has proved irresistible to artists for millennia.
Provence seems to be a perfect place to say, "I'm going to go and have a little think.
"I'm going to have a little think about this, "especially if I've made a few quid.
" Slow walk.
I'm learning.
I'm just getting down to your tempo.
I've started to move a bit slower.
Slower.
Don't go any slower.
That's stopping, I think.
This man has got loads of art in his garden.
Cezanne, Matisse, Picasso - all giants and in the footsteps of giants grows the curated art that is Phillippe Michelon's garden.
Look and learn.
That's what I'm here to do, mate.
This is like an educational trip.
By the time you go home, you're going to be a right ponce.
If I wasn't already.
Hello.
Bonjour.
Bonjour.
Nice to meet you.
Lovely to meet you, Phillippe.
OK, you are welcome in my garden and I'm very happy.
Oh, it's a pleasure.
Can we get in the trolley? Yes, if you like.
But I think it's better if you leave the trolley because they are full of knots.
The bad knots.
of the life.
OK.
That's what that represents, is it? Exactly.
It represents the bad knots of your life.
And I think it's better if you leave it on the bracket.
Leave your knots behind.
Exactly.
You understand.
Deep, man.
Forget-me-knots.
I don't want it.
And now if you like, if you are ready, we can go into the garden of the goddess Ishtar.
It is the woman.
OK.
So we are going into the lady garden.
Into the woman, yeah.
Look at it.
It is very nice.
It is.
Very pleasant.
It's big.
Every morning I walk in my garden every morning, I talk with my roses.
4,000 roses plants.
As you married, Phillippe? Yes.
I am married with a woman and with 4,000 roses.
Does she ever tell you to "tidy that bleeding garden up!"? It's absolutely magic for a man to have 4,000 girls.
Yes, I think so.
Yes.
This is your beautiful wife? Yes.
She is my beautiful wife.
I can see where you get your inspiration from.
This is your number one rose.
ALL EXCHANGE GREETINGS Do you never get depressed or unhappy? Sometimes when I have a problem with a lover.
Lover.
Lover.
Yes.
Not your wife we met before? He was quite odd to see a man who enjoyed pleasures of the flesh.
I have my wife.
Yes.
My wife.
My official wife.
Official wife.
Yeah.
You understand? Yeah, yeah.
INTERVIEWER: Did you believe him? You know what? I did believe him.
He seemed like a man that got up in the morning and got things done.
And what is this, Phillippe? What's this about? Is this just a hose? No, no THEY LAUGH Oh, you never know.
I thought it might have symbolised the complexity of life.
That you can easily get wound up.
I understand HE LAUGHS VOICEOVER: The light brings the artist to Provence, but for those that struggle with the rest of the world, it is the gentle stretch of minutes into days that makes this a perfect place to heal.
That's what brought Vincent van Gogh, Provence's most famous and troubled artist, to the area.
It was here, above the chapel of the psychiatric hospital of St Paul that van Gogh used art as a form of therapy and where, 125 years later, art and music are still being used as primary forms of care.
It's a great place that basically helps people with broken minds.
We are very, very lucky to get in.
They don't invite many people in.
You like? This has seen some action.
I am like an artist.
Like an artist.
Are you in a flowery mood? Flowery.
Yes.
I'm in a very serious mood.
Lots of yellows.
That was too much.
HE LAUGHS Got any ideas what you're going to paint? No? Don't copy me, then.
Yeah.
I'm going to copy you.
That's exactly what I'm going to do.
Van Gogh is here again.
Is that the sun? HE LAUGHS I've gone straight in.
I think it's the sun.
Yeah.
Trying to symbolise passion.
I think the sun in Provence creates passion and lust in people.
I'm enjoying this.
It's quite relaxing, isn't it? It's very relaxing, painting.
Yes, I see.
Miles away.
THEY LAUGH You're finished already? Yeah.
It's as good as it's going to get.
I'm only going to make it worse.
This is the Channel.
SHE GASPS It's important to the French, the Channel, because it means you are not English or British.
You know what the English people say THEY LAUGH They say SHE SPEAKS FRENCH Yes.
And this channel has created many, many problems.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So the sun creates hot passion in Provence.
Everyone wants to make love.
Here is a man and a woman making love.
Not yet.
They are not Yeah, but, you know I couldn't put a penis there, so No.
It's the symbolism of You understand? Yeah, I know.
And they create a baby.
All right.
A baby.
And that Grass? This is just the constant grass in Provence.
Everywhere is green, green.
Yeah.
It's a dark green.
It's sad.
Sad green.
And my grass.
Happy grass.
Nicer.
The grass of a simple man.
It's the grass of a happy man.
This is a complicated man.
That's right.
Children.
Children! HE LAUGHS Mature.
Human being.
A real human being.
You thought about it.
This is childish grass? Yeah.
Back to the drawing board for me.
I told you you've got to grow up! Stay as a child for a long time.
Yeah, exactly.
You are happier.
Yes, exactly.
Well we can say I prefer this one.
Yes, thank you.
Look.
A bit like mine.
It's very much like yours.
There's a house in it.
The only thing this is lacking is some wine and a bicycle.
The bicycle is not there.
The use of art and music as therapy in St Paul dates back to 1890.
Today, it is Dr Boulen who has taken on the role of van Gogh's original carer, Dr Gachet.
I'm really slowing down on this.
I know.
You've got to walk slowly.
Like you're on Double Bubble.
NOEL LAUGHS Hello.
Bonjour, Dr Boulen.
Bonjour.
Hello.
Very nice to meet you.
Welcome.
Lovely place you have here.
You look very rock'n'roll.
Rock'n'roll? You do.
You look like you should have a band or be in a band.
When I was young, yeah.
The people who are here as full-time patients, what leads them to eventually come to this place? Principallydepression, anorexia.
Anorexia.
OK.
Sometimes alcohol, drugs.
Yeah.
But principally, depression.
Do a lot of the patients here have to stay here or are they free to go? It's complete hospitalisation.
But it's free.
So they're free to come and go.
Yeah, yeah.
It's free, it's open.
It's life, liberty and the music and the painting, it's a way for the free.
Expressing themselves.
Yeah.
Cos he drew a picture today.
It was like a three year old's.
Five.
Five, is it? Come on.
I'm not that stupid.
I'm not that immature.
Whereas my picture was a complex, crazy Everyone Wow.
Wow.
Yep.
OK, listen, it's been fantastic to meet you.
Keep up the great work.
OK.
That place today was unbelievable.
You could see it was peaceful.
You could understand how people get better there.
Yeah.
I worked in one in London.
A psychiatric unit.
I was building a new wing.
I went to lunch one day in the canteen.
They let us use the staff canteen.
And all the patients were allowed to go in there.
I was sitting in there one day having my lunch and there was a woman behind me with her daughter.
Her daughter kept going to her, "Mummy, can I have the sweets?" She was going, "Look, no, after your dinner, you can have them.
" She was like, "Please, Mummy, please.
" She was going "Look, I've told you.
No.
" I'm sitting there eating my lunch.
"Oh, for fuck sake.
"Tell her she can't have it.
" I turned around and there was just one woman sat there.
I went, "Oh I was out of the chair, out of the canteen like a rocket.
I didn't feel threatened in there today at all.
No, I didn't feel threatened.
I felt like a lot of people whenever you're around issues of mental health, you always feel like you're treading on eggshells.
You're never quite sure what the language we're using here.
No, I don't know.
What word do you use? What's the politically correct word to describe someone I always think, turn to the experts.
The people who work in that field, they will use the appropriate language.
They are doing it all day long.
We tend to go into their world.
I'm asking you what the word is.
Do you know? I don't know.
I assume that it's whatever word is not judgemental.
Mentally ill? Mentally ill? Mentally disabled.
Mentally ill, I think is probably So what's the final word on mental illness? Where does genuine talent begin and sort of insanity begin? Like George Best for example in the football.
The genius of a football player but obviously had a self-destruct button.
Yeah.
Cheers.
THEY LAUGH Georgie.
Oh, Georgie.
Georgie Best.
He had a song wrote about him.
It weren't that one.
THEY LAUGH VOICEOVER: France's mountainous south cradles the sovereignty of Monaco and her tax-efficient citizens.
Densely populated with incalculable wealth, it is a polarising state that demands and opinion of all that visit.
It was a strange old turn of events, really, because we went from this place that was all about art and about thinking and about helping people and Provence seems to try and least say there is more to life than just making money.
And then suddenly we went through a place where they seemed to be saying, "It's just about making money.
" RACING CAR SPEEDS PAS Are we going to be meeting the COCCS.
Champagne Oyster Club.
And David Coulthard is one of them, is he? Yeah.
Formula One driverwho lives in and around Monaco.
Oh, yeah.
Do you like Formula One? Do I like No.
I wouldn't say No.
If it's on the telly, I'll just turn over.
Because I think it's some blokes going really fast around a track.
What's that for, then? All right, hold up.
They don't seem to be going that fast.
No, it wasn't that quick.
Hi there.
Hello, gentlemen.
Are you the COCCS? THEY LAUGH We're the COCCS, but we have brought a variation of the COCC here.
Tom, lovely to meet you.
Hello.
Harry.
Nice to meet you, Harry.
DAVID COULTHARD: That's an impressive ride, all the way from London to the south of France.
Yeah, it would be if it weren't for the van.
THEY LAUGH Are we going some This is your regular ride? Yeah.
We all go out as a group from time to time.
There's some others that come as well.
We'll try and hang on.
If I do flag, go right behind.
Don't panic.
I always have a late burst.
Yeah.
It's very nice of you to allow me to go in front.
Yes.
Makes it look as if I can cycle.
I never thought I'd be keeping up with David Coulthard.
THEY LAUGH I don't want to make you feel bad but I've been retired for five years.
Monaco.
I've been here 24 hours.
In the restaurants and bars we've been in, I've not heard any laughter.
We get taxed on laughter.
THEY LAUGH There's someone else at another table who is a billionaire.
The millionaires are pissed off that they're not a billionaire.
Do you think so? Must be that.
Yeah.
You all live here? Yeah.
Why? Is it a financial thing, really? Cos there are other sunny, nice places in the world.
There are.
Financially, it's a great base, no question.
The biggest thing When I was living in London and I started racing Formula One, my house got broken into when I was at the Australian Grand Prix and when I was at the Brazilian Grand Prix.
If you're live at the Australian Grand Prix, even the stupidest burglar knows you're not coming home that night.
Is it also the fame thing.
Do you get left alone a little bit more? You get no bother.
You're not allowed paparazzi in Monaco.
They're not allowed?! Not allowed.
You can be a tourist taking a picture but if you have anything that looks like it might be for commercial gain, the police will take your film or digital card.
Really? So it's like almost like a great big private club.
It is.
Would you live abroad, though? No.
Never in one million years.
No.
I'm a Londoner.
It's who I am.
I go anywhere else and I'm immediately irritated.
THEY LAUGH You know, like As we came into Monaco, I felt like saying, "Just keep going.
" On paper, it is allegedly a glamorous place for the glamorous and the well-heeled and the beautiful and the successful.
Of course they're going to say that.
They won't say, "Want to squirrel your money away and never see a poor person again? Come on board.
" If you like money, hello.
If you don't, go away.
VOICEOVER: Until recently, the most distinct observation one could make of the village of Mougins was that Picasso died there.
Now it is the home of the School of Happiness, curated by the husband and wife team Gabriel and Billur.
Hello, Micky! Hi! Welcome! Hello.
Welcome to School of Happiness.
Thank you very much.
It is a school because we need to relearn new things in life, like how to connect your inner power and live from inside out.
Whatever is happening in the world, there is a happy place in you.
There is a peace in you and I hope I'm going to help you guys learn to discover that.
It was a lovely antidote, the School of Happiness.
This is what life is about, meeting people who are obviously slightly barking and have made a future for themselves by getting other people who are slightly less barking to give them money to all sit around and be barking.
So the very first thing I would like you to do, we are going to make a drawing of yourself.
NOEL: This is a self-portrait we're doing.
THEY LAUGH I'm not very good at drawing.
SHE RINGS BELL Oh, I see where you're going with that one.
Wow, wow, wow.
Let us see if you can This is how I see myself a lot of the time.
You have two heads.
Yes.
Sometimes I'm one person, I'm very happy and positive, and other times I'm very angry and negative.
And this is an open hand because I'm saying 'come' and this is a fist.
I'm saying, "We must fight.
Revolution.
" All right, Noel.
Let's discover your drawing.
Well, it's a very simple drawing.
THEY LAUGH I did say I'm not one for drawing.
Cos I'm at the School of Happiness and I thought, "What makes me happiest?" You basically drawed yourself out on your bike.
Well, that's where I'm happy.
Once you do that, if you like a beautiful big bird You turn.
You turn.
I could sit here for hours trying to make sense of it for you but no matter what I say this is going to end up a montage with a bit of stupid music over the top, guaranteed.
Go up.
Look at your toes.
Inhale deep MONTAGE MUSIC PLAYS .
.
oxygen and let go anything you don't want in your life.
That's it.
Wonderful.
Get up.
Not very supple, am I? And up.
Make it as better Stretching.
He's done it before, hasn't he? You see? This is how I make love as well.
He's got plenty of time on his hands.
I'm busy working.
Continue.
Let's go.
Breath in.
Armpit and strong, strong, strong, retain your breath.
Aaahhhhhhhhh Aaaaaaahhhhh It's the sandman's nightmare.
Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
And relax.
How was it? Very, very good.
I liked that.
This brings miracle.
You'll feel much calmer.
Yes.
Much calmer.
INTERVIEWER: Did Noel take much away from it? Yeah, he did take away something from it.
He took away a drawing that he had done of a bike again which was very interesting to see.
And can I take this with me? That's for you.
Exactly.
Good, good.
Thank you so much.
My pleasure.
Really good.
Can I use the word 'fun'? It was good fun.
VOICEOVER: The history of Cannes puts it on the cultural map ALL: Welcome to Cannes! It is a playground to the nautical elite that surveys its shores and the poser bourgeois who patrol the city's boulevards.
Oh, is it 'Cah-nnes or 'Can-nes'? How do you pronounce it? 'Cah-nnes', I think, is how you say it.
You're going to drive them wild.
I automatically know how to fit into a town like this.
You go out, you buy the basics.
A white watch to show your tan off.
Speedos for comfort in and out of the water.
Bish bash bosh.
Dry in five minutes.
Go and have a glass of wine.
The vest, obviously, Which is my second favourite garment in the world.
The first being? I'm never going to reveal that.
Oh, right.
THEY LAUGH And obviously I know.
Yeah.
Is it thighbag or bumbag gone wrong? It has never been equalled in the world of holiday wear.
And this one has got extra security.
Oh, the strap around the thigh.
Because, you know, I don't care where I am.
Watch out, watch out.
There's a thief about.
Find that hole.
Lose me down it.
Did you always want to come to Cannes or? They've been asking me for years.
But you know, I always say no.
Because there is this terrible collision, isn't there, between having too much money and no taste.
HE LAUGHS Look at the looks we're getting.
People are spotting style.
They're probably thinking, "This place has gone right downhill.
" If you come here next year, I bet this is back in season.
Cos these are fashionable people.
You know, they watch what's coming up, they go to the catwalk.
If there is not a guy walking along in one of these HE LAUGHS They won't buy it until it is made by Giorgio Versace.
That's him.
Oh, look.
That's the look.
MICKY LAUGHS No, you ain't enticing me.
Come on.
No, no, no.
What I was really going to do was give it some of that.
Oh, put it away.
You'll get us kicked out of Cannes.
This is a place for nudity.
It's one of the few places it's respected and admired.
It's only clothes, isn't it? Clothes don't maketh the man.
We're all exactly the same inside.
Now you're getting deep on me, man.
Yeah.
It's the sea, isn't it? The minute you look out, you know why you enjoy looking out to the sea? Why? Cos there's nothing there.
And you can fill it with whatever thought you want.
Yeah.
What are you filling it with right now? Changing probably? An ice cream.
Put a pair of shorts on.
There's something about looking out to sea The prevailing culture of the French Riviera is to promenade, to be seen.
But in a place like Cannes, it takes more than mere clothes to make a mark.
So our next visit is to a transvestite bar.
What you reckon? Oh.
Mm, I don't know.
There was a transvestite club.
We're in Cannes.
What's not to like? I was drawn to it like a moth to the flame.
This is the world of TV.
This is the stuff they're making me do.
Look, that's MICKY KNOCKS ON DOOR DOOR OPENS DOOR RUMBLES LOCK CLUNKS HEAVILY It's a bit sinister.
Hi there.
Hello.
Hello.
No, no.
Good to see you, Micky.
You're not having it? No, mate.
This is all yours.
This is where my showbiz career ends.
OK.
You snooze, you lose.
I'll see you later.
See you later.
DOOR CLUNKS HEAVILY This is the essential difference between me and Noel, that he still has a little thing called self-respect and dignity.
I tried to knock it out of him but it wouldn't happen, so occasionally I like to show him what you have to do.
Hello, Micky.
Lovely to meet you, Luna.
Lovely to meet you.
Yes.
The only way is up.
Now let's go for make-up.
Most men want to know what they would look like as a woman but they don't admit it.
I'm prepared to admit it.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Ooh-la-la-la-la! What are classic transvestite songs? Gladys Knight.
I Will Survive.
# First I was afraid, I was petrified Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side I think you will do the show with that song.
I'm starting to pout now.
Trying to feel like a woman.
I'm trying to get the woman to come out of me.
I've been a man for a lot of years.
Like, more? I hear you, but not too much.
A little bit.
Not over the top.
To be feminine with a little bit of masculinity.
Tiny bit of masculinity, yes.
Just keep the boys interested.
Mmm.
Yes.
I like.
I am smouldering.
You are ready.
Lovely to meet you.
Shall we do the kisses? Again? You like kisses.
Four.
NOEL LAUGHS I think I might have got a bit too involved.
THEY LAUGH You're not supposed to laugh! This is what Cannes is all about.
Is there anything you won't do? I'm just sitting here.
People watching can join me.
I'm sure they're going to start watching us now, though.
Yeah, he said I had to give myself a name.
Oh, yeah.
What have you gone for? Ginger.
THEY LAUGH So, where are we off to tonight, Ginger? I thought we'd go and watch a bit of boxing.
THEY LAUGH A-ha! Merci.
Merci.
For Ginger.
And this one is for moi.
Can you tell me where the ladies' toilet is, please? Ladies and boys is the same.
It's the same.
The same.
A-ha.
Mais oui.
THEY LAUGH You brighten the place up, Ginger.
You're even holding your Look.
I know.
He said to me, I had to be less HE GRUNTS I can't sit like this, can I? No, that would THEY LAUGH "What are you looking at?" I've got You know I tell you, you're quick learner, then.
Well, he said to me, "Just carry yourself like a woman.
" He said feel You have certainly picked it up.
"Feel like a woman," and .
.
jump over the shoulders.
People do a quick glance and then look away They don't want to stare, do they? They've just had dinner.
They don't want to look at me.
THEY LAUGH Can't take this place seriously, though, can you? No.
This is probably one of the most self-centred, egotistical places in the world.
You love it.
THEY LAUGH It did suit me, didn't it? I really thought that I grew into it.
I would probably tone it down a bit next time.
Just be a bit more subtle.
Maybe go more for a Sharon Stone look.
Rather than Sharon Osbourne.
You've got Even your chin looks different.
THEY LAUGH Don't get nothing for a pair.
Not in this game.
# Where do you go to, my lovely # When you're alone in in your bed Tell me the thoughts that surround you I adore English men.
Really? Voila.
# I've seen all your qualifications It's been emotional.
# Cos I saw # The light # In your eyes # In your eyes # Though we had our fling # I just never would suspect a thing # Till that little bell began to ring # In my head, in my head But I tried to run