Mixology (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Jessica: This is the story of 10 strangers, one night, and all the stupid, embarrassing, ridiculous things we do To find love.
Hi.
Oh, hello.
You don't know it yet, but I am by far the best guy in this entire bar for you.
And at closing time, I'm gonna take you home, and I will bathe you, head to toe, and then I'm gonna deliver upon you the greatest, most orgasmic sex of your entire life.
You'll explode.
My place is prepped for it.
Don't worry about it.
I'll put you back together, bathe you once again, and pay for a cab ride home.
What do you say? Who are you? They call me Bruce.
- How'd it go? - It went amazing, dude.
Single mothers are so, so easy.
It's it's like they're tired, they're horny, they're paying for a sitter.
All they want to do, Tommy, is knock it out with something that vaguely resembles a man that's this guy and then they want to go home.
- It's simple economics.
- No, that's not economics.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
Whatever.
- So, you got her number? - Hell, I did one better.
I dropped an Anchor Baby! Kaplunk.
- You gave her a baby? - It's my drink.
An Anchor Baby.
Okay? It gives me a reason to go approach her one more time.
You never go back to a girl more than two times Okay.
Except if you have an excuse, otherwise, they freak out and they mace you.
So I'm gonna go back over there in a little bit.
I'm gonna pick up my drink.
I'm gonna pick up her number.
I'm gonna pick her up and take her home and "ca-rush" it.
I got this in the bag, kids.
High fives in advance.
You took a private jet to Cuba? Your life is so exciting.
- Can I confess something? - Yeah.
- I'm actually Jay Z.
- [Laughs.]
Well, I am really happy I met you tonight, Mr.
Z.
Yeah.
Me too.
Truly, it has brightened my night.
I, um I have to tell you something.
Well Yes.
[Chuckles.]
I know this is all so sudden, but I feel it, too.
No.
I, um I'm engaged.
Yeah.
Of course you are.
Women of your caliber are never single.
I just I feel weird, 'cause my fiancée is at home washing our cats, and I'm here having a drink with a dashing Internet millionaire.
Eh, not a millionaire anymore.
That was this morning.
- Oh, I'm sor no, I know.
- That's all right.
It's but, you know, I-I've never met someone who could lose so much money so fast it's exciting! I wish I could lose that much money that quickly.
Right, but in a cruel twist of fate, I'd much rather be at home with someone I loved washing our cats.
- Really? - Yeah.
If, in fact, washing cats was something people actually did.
I'm pretty sure they're self-cleaning animals.
- [Laughs.]
- Are they definitely cats? I just you know, I don't do crazy things.
This is the craziest thing I've ever done.
I've never even jaywalked.
Look, maybe tonight should be the night that you just let yourself go.
- Really? - Yeah.
Trust me.
- I'm British.
We invented repression.
- [Laughs.]
Right.
You've got to go crazy once in a while, or you'll just instantly become - a bitter, old British alcoholic man.
- Ooh.
- Like Margaret Thatcher.
- Oh.
[Laughs.]
So, I want to see you going nuts.
Okay.
Okay, I will.
- Yeah? - Maybe.
[Glasses clink.]
Thanks for the Blue Hawaiian! Delicious.
- Blue Hawaiian? - Oh, my God.
He sent another one? No, this one's from those guys.
Oh.
Together: Aloha! [All talking.]
Oh, no.
Hawaiians.
How do you know they're Hawaiian? - Look at their feet.
- Flip flops? - Yeah, exactly.
- Oh, my God.
I hate Hawaiians.
This this happens all the time.
They think that I'm from Hawaii.
I'm not from Hawaii! [Men whooping.]
Yeah, I'm from the Mainland! Uh-huh.
Pittsburgh! [Men whooping.]
Okay.
Let's find a guy for Jess now.
What about that guy? - Ohh.
- That guy? The old dude? I just hate to see you get hurt going after someone good.
I got to pee.
[Scoffs.]
There you are.
[Sighs.]
- Nice Anchor Baby.
- [Coughs.]
- It's good.
- [Clears throat.]
What's that? Oh, you left your drink here so you'd have a reason to come back and talk to me.
[Scoffs.]
Being a little paranoid, don't you think? And now you're negging me.
Wow.
This is like a pickup from 2004.
Look [Sighs.]
This is so not gonna happen.
I'm just I'm not into your type.
[Scoffs.]
You're not into eccentric billionaires with massively large penises? Nope.
Uh, more like the guy who didn't get any girls in high school so now you bang as many chicks as humanly possible so you can convince yourself that you're not that sad, little dork who none of the girls liked.
Am I getting close? Yeah, she was getting close.
Bruce was born 18 pounds, 9 ounces.
His parents were so happy and a little alarmed.
Bruce had two older brothers, Kyle and Doug.
They were bright, athletic, popular boys.
Bruce was also a boy.
Oh! [Laughter.]
Bruce desperately tried to meet girls, but three obstacles stood in his way one, he talked too much, two, he had the pear-shaped body of a middle-aged woman, and, three, his brothers.
Then he met Dawn.
In the history of people who have loved people, no one has ever loved anyone more than Bruce loved Dawn.
Unfortunately, Dawn saw Bruce as just a friend, so for her birthday, Bruce decided to make her a special romantic dinner to change all that.
Uh, hey, Dawn? Ketchup on your tots?! Sure! Anything's fine! I like ketchup, too! God, it's insane how much we have in common! Okay.
Dinner's finally ready.
Dawn? Bruce's heart broke into a million pieces when he saw dawn with Kyle.
Seeing Doug didn't help, either.
Hey, Doofus, go get us some Gatorades.
Bruce never wanted to feel this way again, so he decided to study women the way a general studies the enemy and then use that knowledge to crush ass on a global scale.
I'm sure you get laid all the time because there are plenty of broken girls who are like, "wow, he's cynical and he wears an army jacket"? Oh, my God.
That's so original.
How can I hit that?" But, see, all the sex in the world can't hide the fact that deep down inside, you really are that sad, little dork who just wants the girls to like you.
So Yeah.
That's your type.
[Sighs.]
[Hoarse voice.]
This is gonna be harder than I thought.
Hmm? [Cheering.]
- And don't bow.
What are you doing? - I'm sorry.
How'd it go? It's like she saw into the very core of my soul.
- Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
- And she hated it.
Oh.
But I loved it.
Oh, okay.
So Yeah, I'm totally lost, dude.
Do you like this chick or not? I have no idea.
It's crazy.
I just know she's a worthy adversary, and I must make her mine or I will blow her up and destroy her forever.
Wait.
You're gonna go back there a third time? You just said you can't go back to a girl more than twice.
I am a hero, and heroes always break the rules.
Didn't you see "Ratatouille"? So, what's your next play? - Preacher? - Unh-unh.
- Tropic of Cancer? - No.
- Drunk Potato? - Hmm.
- Ram Jam.
- Mnh.
- Banana Hammock.
- Hmm.
- Ooh! Stuff and Puff.
- Mnh-Mnh.
- Asscapades.
- No, no.
None of that old stuff is gonna work, okay? I'm hunting big game.
It's kill or be killed.
I think you should just tell her how you feel.
[Both laughing.]
Stupid.
[Laughs.]
[Both laughing.]
Yes, this one is a classic.
Steal their drink.
Come on.
If I do this, I want to go big.
Yes, okay! Well, what'd you have in mind? What if we kill a drifter? I'm kidding! [Chuckles.]
Oh, but I do like where you're going with this stealing-something thing.
Ooh, what if I stole something funny from the men's room? - Brilliant.
Steal a toilet.
- [Chuckles.]
I got to go.
Oh, think about the drifter thing while I'm gone, okay? [Nervously.]
Okay.
Just kidding.
I'm not kidding.
Ohh.
How's it? [Laughs quietly.]
Uh, no.
Which island you from, Coconut Girl? Uh, yeah, I'm still not from Hawaii, dude.
You can leave the islands, but the islands can never leave you, sister.
Now we're related.
That's Wait.
How high are you right now? Pretty high.
Wow.
Yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and shut this down.
Keoki! - Aloha, sister! You joining us? - Hi! Uh, no, no.
Sorry, guys.
I'm not here for a fresh hang.
I'm just here to set the record straight for the night.
I'm not from Hawaii.
I've never been to Hawaii.
I hate Hawaii.
I hate the flower shirts.
I hate the neon drinks.
I hate your alphabet that has like six different letters in it but then all of them are "K.
" If Hawaii sinks back into the ocean and disappeared for the rest of our lives, my life wouldn't even change.
I'd be like, "oh, Hawaii's gone," and then I'd go right back to doing whatever I was doing like nothing even happened.
Okay? So you from Waianae? [Laughter.]
All right, brother! Well, what do you want me to say? I don't know.
You could say anything.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Well, what do you want to know? Two scotches neat.
Thank you, barkeep.
On the double.
[Knocks on bar.]
- Make it a double.
- Coming right up.
- Mm-hmm.
- Come on, dude.
I'm just helping you out.
Trust me.
You don't want that guy.
Let your weirdo friend have him.
And why don't I want him? Because he's super hot, and hot people are terrible in bed.
They don't do the work.
They're all starfish.
What? Starfish? Starfish.
They just lay there.
[Stifled chuckle.]
What you want is an ugly guy.
- Ugly guys they're great in bed.
- Mm.
You see, ugly guys work intensely hard because we're just so grateful that someone's sleeping with us in the first place.
Mm.
Plus we do all the dirty jobs that no one else wants to do.
- Oh, okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- So, by that logic - Mm-hmm.
- You're really good in bed? - [Chuckling.]
Yes! Thank you for saying that, date.
Yeah, I am really good in bed.
- Okay.
- Come on.
Come on.
That right there you don't want that.
You don't want that stubble monkey.
Actually, Jessica did want that stubble monkey.
[All chanting "go!".]
Jessica was born in a bar on a pool table, which sort of says everything you need to know about Jessica.
Jessica's parents were happy with their lot in life, but Jessica always dreamed of becoming a famous fashion designer.
She shared that dream with her best friend, Colleen, who looked alarmingly like blossom.
They were more than best friends.
They were sisters.
Hey, can I ask you something? What?! Come here.
After graduation, do you want to move to Paris with me and start a fashion line? Yes! Aah! Aah! And once we get to France, I'm gonna change my name to Fab! Love it! You could change your name, too.
I was thinking "Shondo.
" [Chuckles.]
Oh, Yay! I can't wait to get out of here! We're gonna be so amazing.
Oh, my God.
I love you, Colleen! - Fab! - Sorry.
I love you, Fab.
- I love you, too, Shondo.
- [Chuckles.]
Wait, yours yours is way better.
Okay, just stick to Jessica.
[Both squeal.]
[Rock music playing.]
You're so hot! I am gonna have your baby! And nine months later, she did.
Jess and Fab split up.
Jess stayed in New Jersey, and Fab went to Paris.
One kid turned into two.
Things with the bassist didn't pan out.
And while Jessica loved her kids dearly, every day she felt less and less like the glamorous fashion designer she'd always wanted to be.
In fact, the only thing that made Jessica feel special anymore was hooking up with super-hot guys.
This dude made her feel special three times in one night.
Nope.
I'm pretty sure I do want that stubble monkey.
Yep, it's totally my kind of monkey.
In any competition between that and whatever this is, I choose that.
Every time, I choose that.
Why is this so confusing for your little brain? Well, then [Clears throat.]
Just for the record, I think I am slightly taller than that gentleman.
Okay, please please leave.
Okay.
But this is not over.
- No, it's over.
It's totally over.
- Mnh.
Until we meet again! Don't want that to happen.
You are great.
Up.
I need a stool.
Okay.
Now I'm starting to worry.
Talk to me, Goose.
What's going on? This broad is totally Bruce-proof.
Dude, no one can sustain this much rejection.
You look like Nick Nolte! I know I look like Nick Nolte, okay? But that girl is my Moby Dick, so I'm going back in.
No, you're not going back in! No one goes in four times! Dude, it's suicide.
Even if you get her number, you'll have nothing in the tank for the rest of the night.
Yeah, okay, I know the risks, Cal! I know the risks.
Guys, I hate what this is doing to us.
I just make it stop.
Yes! Did you nick something? Good girl.
What did you get? Some mints or a book of matches? Wait.
What? I stole some guy's wallet while he was on the can! [Gasps.]
Look at all the money! - Are you insane? - You told me to go crazy.
Yeah, I was encouraging you to live a little! I didn't mean join fagin's gang.
Let's steal more stuff! No, that is enough larceny for one evening, all right? I'm actually trying to be a better person.
That is a massive step backwards.
My heart is racing.
I love it.
I've never felt so alive.
Thank you for making me steal things.
Could you please stop saying I made you steal thi Maya: You're right, Keoki.
I feel like I have this really big hole in my life, you know? I just I just keep filling it with my stupid job.
You got to come back to Oahu, Brah.
- She'll fix you right up.
- That sounds so good right now.
Floating in the surf, chilling with aloha, feeling the lava.
You probably don't want to feel the lava.
Yeah, lava's really hot.
You know what I mean, Brah, okay? I want to do the real Hawaiian, not the Cheesy Don Ho touristy stuff.
Hey, hey! What you saying about Brother Don? Yeah, Don Ho writes songs for the whole world to sing.
Yeah, but [Chuckles.]
no one wanted to listen to them.
They're terrible songs.
Maybe you should go, sister.
After everything I said about Hawaii, Don Ho's the deal breaker? Okay.
Whatever.
You guys are weird.
- Not Hawaiian no more! - Go! I was never Hawaiian! Put some shoes on! We're in a bar! - Ugh! Hey.
- What? Nothing.
Whoa-ho, whoa! What's going on? I kissed him.
I kissed Ron! I was all jacked up from stealing this guy's wallet, and I kissed him, and it was amazing.
His tongue felt like a dewy peach.
Ew.
Oh, my God! Maya! What am I gonna do? - Okay.
I am engaged.
- It's fine.
My wedding invitations go out tomorrow - I know.
Okay - On their way to people - All right.
Let's calm down.
- That I'm related to.
As much as it okay.
All right.
Okay, let's just - we're gonna take a walk, okay? We're gonna take a walk.
- Okay.
Go find a seat.
All right, listen, it's fine.
People kiss each other in bars.
That's what happens all the time.
You don't have to feel bad.
That's the thing.
I don't feel bad.
Oh.
And I think I might want to kiss Ron again.
And not just on the mouth.
So All the places, Maya.
Uh, we should start a tab.
Yeah.
[Snaps fingers.]
Obviously, this is a bad idea.
Nobody goes in four times, but there is something about this girl.
- So, what's your approach? - Got it locked in, baby.
- What is it? - The Hercules Double Lindy.
I'm sorry, are you crazy? - What's the Hercules Double Lindy? - It's the only way.
Sometimes I feel like you guys are just making up funny names.
Bruce, the Hercules Double Lindy it's only a theory.
It's never been tested in a real-world situation.
I know that, dude, and this is how legends are made.
Now, we need my number-one wingman to hype me up.
- All right.
- No.
No.
All right, all right.
I gotcha.
Okay.
Lock your eyes in here.
Here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna walk up to this woman, you're gonna spin a web of Bruce so thick and so sticky she will be unable to escape.
In that moment, you will make her yours.
- What time is it? - Bruce time! [Chuckles.]
It's game time.
What time is it? It's game time! - What time is it?! - It's game time! [Both grunt.]
Whew.
Go get her.
[Men grunting.]
[Up-tempo music plays.]
[Gulps.]
- Oh, my God.
Make it stop.
- Nope.
Nope.
Actually, I came over here to tell you the story of Hercules.
Please don't.
- Hercules was a Greek hero who was a - Roman.
Hercules was a Roman hero - whose dad was Hector.
- Zeus.
Okay, what what what are you, a mythology Professor? - What is the deal? - No, I'm just done.
Okay.
I get it.
I'm sorry.
You win.
My bad.
I made one last-ditch effort to come over here and get your number.
[Sighs.]
I see it's not happening.
You couldn't be less interested.
So, I hope I didn't ruin your night.
- It's all good.
- Okay.
- Ohh! - I'm sorry.
This is the guy who's hitting on you? - Hey, he's not that ugly.
- Okay.
You guys make a really cute couple.
Bruce knew this comment was meant to make Jessica feel bad, and he couldn't stand for it.
Uh, actually, I was talking to her about you.
I mean, you have ratty hair and terrible clothes, and I figured I could take you down without breaking a sweat.
So But a woman like this, that's a totally different story.
Someone who's gorgeous and smart and and funny, who not only puts us all to shame by raising kids on her own, - but then has the balls - Mm.
To show up to this bar wearing that red dress, which she looks smoking hot in, and strut around with that tight, tight body, knowing that losers like me are going to come up to her and buy her drinks and hit on her all night and try everything they can to get into her pants, but she doesn't even care, because she has the wit and verbal acumen to handle anything life throws at her.
That is a woman.
That is a woman that every guy dreams will like them back.
And a woman that this guy couldn't get in a million years.
It was the nicest thing anyone had said to Jessica in a long time.
And for just one little moment, she felt special again.
Who was that? They call him Bruce.
Ew.
We all put on a front when we walk into a bar, to look cool, to impress others, to hide our insecurities, but deep down, we're all just fat, little, redheaded kids whose brothers double-teamed the girls we loved.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
Look.
[Sighs.]
If at the end of the night, there is absolutely no one left in this bar and I am fall-down drunk and you have somehow shaved off that disgusting beard and changed your entire physical appearance, I will think about maybe going home with you.
Maybe.
Because at the end of the day, all we really want All anyone really wants is to be liked.
Hey.
Can I order shots from you? Of course.
What can I get you? Uh, have you heard of an anaconda? Whiskey and Sambuca.
I had those every summer back where I'm from.
Really? Where are you from? Oh, a small town in Ohio you've probably never heard of.
Well, I'm from Greentree, Ohio.
- No way.
- Yes, way.
I am from West Greentree! You are a liar.
No.
Okay, pop quiz.
Have you ever been to Gary's hot dogs for the Both: Dingo dogs with extra kraut! - I'm Kacey.
- I'm Cal.
- IWill get you those shots.
- All right.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, it's so on.
Oh, there's my Anchor Baby.
Hey.
That's my drink.
Just kidding, and I always get that wrong.
Um, hey.
I saw those guys bothering you earlier.
I just wanted to make sure you're okay.
Yeah.
I'm okay.
They're just Hawaiians.
Ugh, I hate Hawaiians.
You do? Yeah.
Flip flops in restaurants, their tiny alphabet, plus they're so sensitive about Don Ho.
About Don Ho! I know, right? I'm gonna go ask them to leave the premises.
Oh.
Wow.
Okay.
Thanks.
[Chuckles.]
Maya, they're a lot bigger than I thought.
Hmm? They're gonna stay.
Oh, my God.
Pono, please.
Pono.
Pono.
Oh, God.
Hawaiians.