Mongo Wrestling Alliance (2011) s01e03 Episode Script
Baron vs. Johnny
Baron: Ow! Ow! [ Cracking .]
Ow! Ow! Acid Alice: It needs massage.
You are atrophied like a living corpse.
Baron: Don't do that part.
It's been all numb since the '80s.
It's a waste! Ow! [ Crack! .]
That's more like it.
I think it's time for your once-a-year MWA Films presents "Inside the Rivalry," Johnny Dubose versus Baron Kleberkuh! All their greatest matches in one bone-crunching collection! See their early days as the greatest tag team the wrestling world had ever seen.
See the lovely Veronica, who bankrolled the MWA and came between Baron and Johnny, splitting the unsplittable team apart.
Balthazar: Man, grandpa Baron's got to see this! I'll go get him! Hey, grandpa, you got to see this! Oh! Stack, hand me the melon scooper.
I want to scoop my eyes out.
Stack: [Bleep.]
you.
I scoop melon with that.
It's a state fair tag-team championship.
Johnny Dubose and Baron Kleberkuh versus the Puntanga warriors one and two.
Rusty: Man, grandpa, you were awesome! Oh, no! Betrayal! Johnny Dubose hits Baron Kleberkuh from behind.
Baron: Turn this crap off.
Johnny Dubose just monkey-flipped Baron Kleberkuh into a manure spreader.
Baron: Stop watching this [bleep.]
Young Baron: No! What are you doing?! Aah! Oh, my God.
Dubose just took out Baron Kleberkuh's eye with a corn husker's glove.
[ Telephone rings .]
Baron: Hello, Dubose? I'm gonna sue you over that DVD, you filthy Jabroni.
Johnny: Hold on while I aggressively yawn.
[ Yawns .]
Now listen I've made a gobload of money on this DVD that you can't sue me over! Believe it or not, the fans have taken a morbid interest in you.
Polls say the match they'd most like to see is moi versus vous! - Care to make some cabbage? - Baron: Continue.
Johnny: Shall we meet and flesh out the details? I can send a car.
Baron: Right! So you can have me whacked? We meet at a neutral site the old abandoned ring we used to wrestle at by the amusement park at Devil's Ridge and come alone.
[ Tires screech .]
- Have a seat.
- Johnny: I don't trust you.
Baron: Nor I you.
Underwear? You had to wear that? Johnny: Don't let it sour the negotiation.
Baron: I won't! Here's my offer.
I get all the money.
Johnny: #That offer is stupid # Baron: Oh, yeah? - Well, is this stupid? - Johnny: Ow! Why fight me now for free when we could do it on TV for money?! Baron: Here's why! - [ Clang! .]
- Both: Ow! Baron: Ah! Johnny: I never should have even called you! You're too stupid to even take free money! [ Tires screech .]
Baron: Ah! You like that? Both: Aaaaaaah! [ Telephone rings .]
Acid Alice: Hello? This Baron wife.
[ Gasps .]
Na a a y! Rusty: [ Sighs .]
I can't believe he's dead.
I mean, wow.
Balthazar: The eternal armbar.
Rusty: The big sleeper hold.
Balthazar: The forever-more figure-four.
Rusty: The final 10-count.
Stack: Rusty, you're gonna have to step it up.
You're gonna have to take charge of this family now.
Balthazar: Yeah, I can't do it! I don't got what it takes! Stack: Don't be prideful about not having what it takes.
Balthazar: Sorry.
Rusty: I guess I have no choice.
In their lives and in their deaths, Johnny and Baron represented senseless violence and chicanery.
Let their passing usher in a new era of wrestling, where fights are fair, where steel-chair use is punished, and refs are not distracted.
The future begins now! Acid Alice: Goodbye, Unchi! Rusty: Wait.
Who's Unchi? Acid Alice: That's his kaimyo, his death name.
That's what we call him now "Unchi" so he won't be confused and come back to the wrong world.
[ Crunch! .]
Goodbye, sweet Unchi.
[ Smooches .]
[ Whip! .]
Baron: Blech! [ Grunts .]
Johnny: Aah! My back! Look, we'll have to work together to survive.
We don't have any food or water.
Baron: Well, I'm not drinking your urine.
Johnny: That's your first thought? Let's just try to climb out of here before there is any need for something as drastic as urine-drinking.
Stack: I know you loved him very much.
Acid Alice: You know, I hated him, too, and now that he dead, the love and the hate blended together in a cosmical connectedness.
Stack: Wow, that's some heavy-duty stuff.
I'm a capricorn.
Acid Alice: I am Saru the monkey.
I keep disease away from horses.
I like the planet Venus and lungs and the small intestine.
Stack, can I ask you a question? I always interested in the African-American.
You are animals, right? - Stack: What?! - Acid Alice: Uh, sorry.
I don't know right word that mean you not a human.
I mean, like, Japanese are human.
White people, 50-50.
Africans are animals, nay? Stack: That is incorrect Racist, in fact! Acid Alice: Oh.
Sorry.
I like animals.
Rusty: Oh, this is all a mess! I can't believe these contracts grandpa had us sign! Well, I'm in charge of the family now, and I'm gonna get us some real contracts.
Johnny: Here! Pull me up! Don't let go! We made it.
You know, Baron, we always did make a great team.
Baron: I got a better idea.
- Sunset flip.
- Johnny: What? Baron: [ Laughs .]
Damien: What?! How the hell did the ad sales drop to zero, dude?! Did you break the ad exec's legs like I told you to, bro? - Yeah.
- Damien: Damn! It's all going to [bleep.]
and, like, superfast, too, bro! [ Knock on door .]
What do you want, dude? Rusty: I have a proposal for you.
One fight a memorial match for Johnny and Baron.
At stake, control of the entire Mongo Wrestling Alliance.
Damien: Don't I already have that, man? Rusty: Crowds like big stakes.
Everyone will tune in.
If you agree, whatever happens, we'll all get rich.
What do you say, Damien? Damien: UhI don't know, bro.
Baron: [ Grunting .]
Now I'm gonna watch the ants eat you alive in this figure-four leglock.
Delicious! Johnny: You had honey this whole time? Baron: Yep, and crackers and one creamer.
[ Crunch! .]
Johnny: [ Chuckles .]
You were always a self-destructive madman.
Baron: I'm not self-destructive.
You destroyed me you! I don't care what he looks like.
I love the Baron.
[ Beep .]
Johnny: If you had had the courage to reach out to her, even in your mutilated state, she would have gladly taken you back.
She loved you.
You were the architect of your own misery! [ Laughs .]
[ Gags .]
Baron: Veronica! Boopsy bear! Johnny: Just kill me.
I can't bear hearing your version of sexy baby talk! [ Rattling .]
Baron: Veronica! Johnny: That thing is poisonous, you know.
Baron: We're both dead now.
Try not to annoy me in hell.
Johnny: What's this? The actual fires of literal hell?! I know that smell.
Radioactive dog parts from a secret government program! It's a waste pipe! It must lead to the ocean.
Freedom, here I come! MWA fans, this is a dawn of a new age.
The winner of tonight's Baron-Dubose memorial match between rusty Kleberkuh and Damien Mercury will be determined by actual wrestling ability.
Imagine that.
And we're off.
Rusty Kleberkuh leads off with a flurry of blows, just mowing down Damien Mercury.
Balthazar: You got him, Rusty! Acid Alice: Sorry I said you an animal, Stack Johnson.
Stack: It's okay.
You're just uneducated.
Acid Alice: I think I said that 'cause I wished it true, because if a woman love an animal, it's not right or wrong, nay? Stack: Well, technically, that's not true, either.
In many states, bestiality is illegal.
Acid Alice: Teach me to be an animal, Stack.
[ Romantic music plays .]
[ Crowd cheering .]
Oh, my God! It's Johnny Dubose back from the grave! Johnny: I swam through radioactive dog waste to get here.
I may be some sort of super dog man.
- And I'm back! - Rusty: So? I just won full control of the Mongo Wrestling Alliance! We had a match, fair and square! Johnny: It's mine! Damien Mercury can't put the Mongo Wrestling Alliance on the line in a match when I'm alive.
Only I can! Rusty: Then do it! I'll wrestle anyone you got! Come on! For my grandfather! Johnny: The only match I'd have ever considered for that would be myself against the Baron.
But, as he's dead, I risked nothing promising that.
My God.
It's Baron Kleberkuh! [ Crowd cheering .]
Baron: Dubose, you forgot that my body has degenerated so much, I'm like a living corpse! Let's wrestle! Johnny: Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! I was just screwing with y oh! One, two what? He had him! What is he doing? Oh! Johnny: [ Squeals .]
Baron's disqualified! He blew it! Johnny: My eye, you freak! Baron: I'm back! [ Laughs .]
Damn! More money for Dubose.
Stack: It's your own damn fault, you abominable fool! Now, action! Baron: Remember to spell my name with two R's.
- Stack: You got it.
- [ Rock music plays .]
Synch by Benfo.
Ow! Ow! Acid Alice: It needs massage.
You are atrophied like a living corpse.
Baron: Don't do that part.
It's been all numb since the '80s.
It's a waste! Ow! [ Crack! .]
That's more like it.
I think it's time for your once-a-year MWA Films presents "Inside the Rivalry," Johnny Dubose versus Baron Kleberkuh! All their greatest matches in one bone-crunching collection! See their early days as the greatest tag team the wrestling world had ever seen.
See the lovely Veronica, who bankrolled the MWA and came between Baron and Johnny, splitting the unsplittable team apart.
Balthazar: Man, grandpa Baron's got to see this! I'll go get him! Hey, grandpa, you got to see this! Oh! Stack, hand me the melon scooper.
I want to scoop my eyes out.
Stack: [Bleep.]
you.
I scoop melon with that.
It's a state fair tag-team championship.
Johnny Dubose and Baron Kleberkuh versus the Puntanga warriors one and two.
Rusty: Man, grandpa, you were awesome! Oh, no! Betrayal! Johnny Dubose hits Baron Kleberkuh from behind.
Baron: Turn this crap off.
Johnny Dubose just monkey-flipped Baron Kleberkuh into a manure spreader.
Baron: Stop watching this [bleep.]
Young Baron: No! What are you doing?! Aah! Oh, my God.
Dubose just took out Baron Kleberkuh's eye with a corn husker's glove.
[ Telephone rings .]
Baron: Hello, Dubose? I'm gonna sue you over that DVD, you filthy Jabroni.
Johnny: Hold on while I aggressively yawn.
[ Yawns .]
Now listen I've made a gobload of money on this DVD that you can't sue me over! Believe it or not, the fans have taken a morbid interest in you.
Polls say the match they'd most like to see is moi versus vous! - Care to make some cabbage? - Baron: Continue.
Johnny: Shall we meet and flesh out the details? I can send a car.
Baron: Right! So you can have me whacked? We meet at a neutral site the old abandoned ring we used to wrestle at by the amusement park at Devil's Ridge and come alone.
[ Tires screech .]
- Have a seat.
- Johnny: I don't trust you.
Baron: Nor I you.
Underwear? You had to wear that? Johnny: Don't let it sour the negotiation.
Baron: I won't! Here's my offer.
I get all the money.
Johnny: #That offer is stupid # Baron: Oh, yeah? - Well, is this stupid? - Johnny: Ow! Why fight me now for free when we could do it on TV for money?! Baron: Here's why! - [ Clang! .]
- Both: Ow! Baron: Ah! Johnny: I never should have even called you! You're too stupid to even take free money! [ Tires screech .]
Baron: Ah! You like that? Both: Aaaaaaah! [ Telephone rings .]
Acid Alice: Hello? This Baron wife.
[ Gasps .]
Na a a y! Rusty: [ Sighs .]
I can't believe he's dead.
I mean, wow.
Balthazar: The eternal armbar.
Rusty: The big sleeper hold.
Balthazar: The forever-more figure-four.
Rusty: The final 10-count.
Stack: Rusty, you're gonna have to step it up.
You're gonna have to take charge of this family now.
Balthazar: Yeah, I can't do it! I don't got what it takes! Stack: Don't be prideful about not having what it takes.
Balthazar: Sorry.
Rusty: I guess I have no choice.
In their lives and in their deaths, Johnny and Baron represented senseless violence and chicanery.
Let their passing usher in a new era of wrestling, where fights are fair, where steel-chair use is punished, and refs are not distracted.
The future begins now! Acid Alice: Goodbye, Unchi! Rusty: Wait.
Who's Unchi? Acid Alice: That's his kaimyo, his death name.
That's what we call him now "Unchi" so he won't be confused and come back to the wrong world.
[ Crunch! .]
Goodbye, sweet Unchi.
[ Smooches .]
[ Whip! .]
Baron: Blech! [ Grunts .]
Johnny: Aah! My back! Look, we'll have to work together to survive.
We don't have any food or water.
Baron: Well, I'm not drinking your urine.
Johnny: That's your first thought? Let's just try to climb out of here before there is any need for something as drastic as urine-drinking.
Stack: I know you loved him very much.
Acid Alice: You know, I hated him, too, and now that he dead, the love and the hate blended together in a cosmical connectedness.
Stack: Wow, that's some heavy-duty stuff.
I'm a capricorn.
Acid Alice: I am Saru the monkey.
I keep disease away from horses.
I like the planet Venus and lungs and the small intestine.
Stack, can I ask you a question? I always interested in the African-American.
You are animals, right? - Stack: What?! - Acid Alice: Uh, sorry.
I don't know right word that mean you not a human.
I mean, like, Japanese are human.
White people, 50-50.
Africans are animals, nay? Stack: That is incorrect Racist, in fact! Acid Alice: Oh.
Sorry.
I like animals.
Rusty: Oh, this is all a mess! I can't believe these contracts grandpa had us sign! Well, I'm in charge of the family now, and I'm gonna get us some real contracts.
Johnny: Here! Pull me up! Don't let go! We made it.
You know, Baron, we always did make a great team.
Baron: I got a better idea.
- Sunset flip.
- Johnny: What? Baron: [ Laughs .]
Damien: What?! How the hell did the ad sales drop to zero, dude?! Did you break the ad exec's legs like I told you to, bro? - Yeah.
- Damien: Damn! It's all going to [bleep.]
and, like, superfast, too, bro! [ Knock on door .]
What do you want, dude? Rusty: I have a proposal for you.
One fight a memorial match for Johnny and Baron.
At stake, control of the entire Mongo Wrestling Alliance.
Damien: Don't I already have that, man? Rusty: Crowds like big stakes.
Everyone will tune in.
If you agree, whatever happens, we'll all get rich.
What do you say, Damien? Damien: UhI don't know, bro.
Baron: [ Grunting .]
Now I'm gonna watch the ants eat you alive in this figure-four leglock.
Delicious! Johnny: You had honey this whole time? Baron: Yep, and crackers and one creamer.
[ Crunch! .]
Johnny: [ Chuckles .]
You were always a self-destructive madman.
Baron: I'm not self-destructive.
You destroyed me you! I don't care what he looks like.
I love the Baron.
[ Beep .]
Johnny: If you had had the courage to reach out to her, even in your mutilated state, she would have gladly taken you back.
She loved you.
You were the architect of your own misery! [ Laughs .]
[ Gags .]
Baron: Veronica! Boopsy bear! Johnny: Just kill me.
I can't bear hearing your version of sexy baby talk! [ Rattling .]
Baron: Veronica! Johnny: That thing is poisonous, you know.
Baron: We're both dead now.
Try not to annoy me in hell.
Johnny: What's this? The actual fires of literal hell?! I know that smell.
Radioactive dog parts from a secret government program! It's a waste pipe! It must lead to the ocean.
Freedom, here I come! MWA fans, this is a dawn of a new age.
The winner of tonight's Baron-Dubose memorial match between rusty Kleberkuh and Damien Mercury will be determined by actual wrestling ability.
Imagine that.
And we're off.
Rusty Kleberkuh leads off with a flurry of blows, just mowing down Damien Mercury.
Balthazar: You got him, Rusty! Acid Alice: Sorry I said you an animal, Stack Johnson.
Stack: It's okay.
You're just uneducated.
Acid Alice: I think I said that 'cause I wished it true, because if a woman love an animal, it's not right or wrong, nay? Stack: Well, technically, that's not true, either.
In many states, bestiality is illegal.
Acid Alice: Teach me to be an animal, Stack.
[ Romantic music plays .]
[ Crowd cheering .]
Oh, my God! It's Johnny Dubose back from the grave! Johnny: I swam through radioactive dog waste to get here.
I may be some sort of super dog man.
- And I'm back! - Rusty: So? I just won full control of the Mongo Wrestling Alliance! We had a match, fair and square! Johnny: It's mine! Damien Mercury can't put the Mongo Wrestling Alliance on the line in a match when I'm alive.
Only I can! Rusty: Then do it! I'll wrestle anyone you got! Come on! For my grandfather! Johnny: The only match I'd have ever considered for that would be myself against the Baron.
But, as he's dead, I risked nothing promising that.
My God.
It's Baron Kleberkuh! [ Crowd cheering .]
Baron: Dubose, you forgot that my body has degenerated so much, I'm like a living corpse! Let's wrestle! Johnny: Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! I was just screwing with y oh! One, two what? He had him! What is he doing? Oh! Johnny: [ Squeals .]
Baron's disqualified! He blew it! Johnny: My eye, you freak! Baron: I'm back! [ Laughs .]
Damn! More money for Dubose.
Stack: It's your own damn fault, you abominable fool! Now, action! Baron: Remember to spell my name with two R's.
- Stack: You got it.
- [ Rock music plays .]
Synch by Benfo.