Mongrels (2010) s01e03 Episode Script

As you can see, we've gone for an urban theme on this year's Springwatch, so that you can enjoy the cool and spectacular wildlife that's surrounding you 365 days a year.
Chris? Chris ''The Really Wild Show'' Packham? It may not be as picturesque as the Cotswolds or the Norfolk Broads Diana in heaven I'm on bloody Springwatch! Apparently we've got a fox in shot already.
Tell me, what's Bill Oddie like? Because I've heard he can be a little bit difficult.
They say that he (SQUEAKS AND WHIMPERS) and nailed it to her face.
There he is, whining away.
Looks like a low-ranking male.
Probably hasn't mated.
Pwobably because he hasn't met the right person.
- Speaking of which, Michaela Strachan - Bit runty, isn't it? Skanky.
Grubby, even.
Grubby! I am wearing Lynx Africa! In fact, can we cut and go again? Without the fox.
It's really annoying.
Oh! Well, if that's how you want to play it, stick your stupid Springwatch! Thank you.
Please may you give this photo collage to Kate Humble? Thank you.
Snubbed by Springwatch? Unbe-fricking-lievable! This never would've happened under Bill Oddie.
Oh, don't say that name.
You know I'm phobic since the incident.
(CAWING) Oh Tim Brooke-Taylor! Nelson, they should be on knees begging you to go on their crappy show.
You're so talented! You're right! I'll show those cameras what I can do.
Then we'll see who's too boring for Springwatch! Stupid human prick.
Get this, right? I've been with Gary one year today.
What does he buy me? It's like he don't know me at all! Sorry, Destiny, that is pretty crappy (BALL SQUEAKS) Oh, my God! It squeaks! It squeaks! (LAUGHS AND GIBBERS) Ah.
A squeaky football.
Absolutely bloody classic.
Well, I must bounce.
I have the date with a very special little lady.
- Oooh! - This is new.
Yeah, we're taking it slow, Kali.
Plus she's still hooked on the old mother's milk.
I can't get her away! Breast-feeding? Sorry, how old is she? She must be about, what three, three and a bit weeks.
- Oh, you disgust me! - That is wrong.
You can't go out with a three-week-old! - What? What? Why not? - Kitten fiddler! At least wait until she's legal! And I think we all know the age of consent isn't three weeks! It's four weeks.
OK, fine.
Maybe I'll talk to her or something.
Oh, and by the waycongratulations.
What for? For winning the 2003 Academy Award for Best Director, Mr Polanski! Ha, yeah! In your face Ho! Bo! Shame! (BALL SQUEAKS) Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Hi, I'm Nelson.
I'm actually kind of a special fox.
And, no, I don't mean special as in I mean talented.
For, eg, I'm a bloody good after-dinner speaker.
Like, once I was going through Kerry Katona's bottle bin.
I say ''bottle bin'', more like ''bottle bank''! - Oh, oh! Ow! - No, but seriously, folks Peter Ebdon! They're bonking! Pull my tail, you animal! Oh, please, oh - You dirty woodland creature.
- God, put it away! I'm sure the Springwatch cameras don't want to see that.
- Oh.
Foxes shagging on six.
- Here comes the BAFTA! Anywaytry and soldier on here.
This other time, I was hanging out by Jimmy Carr's recycling bin.
Or to give its proper name, Michael McIntyre.
No, come on, seriously - Aaargh! - Andcut! (POSH ACCENT) Phew, bloody good scene! Hope I didn't pull your tail too hard, luvvie.
Hang on.
Why are you suddenly so posh? Now, let's get a bit naughty Coffee and a Danish, methinks! And why are you so gay? Oh, my Godyou're actors! (SNIFFS) Tug that lead one more time and, so help me God, I'll poop in the magazine rack.
# Watching in slow motion as you turn around and say # Take my breath away # - Oh, boy.
- Hi.
What is it with bitches and guide dogs? I'm-I'm Destiny.
Sorry, darling, can't stop.
- I'm on duty.
- Oh, course, yeah.
You've probably taking him somewhere really important.
Yes, it's his monthly trip to the cemetery.
But that's on the other side of town, so I just take him twice around the park and then (BARKS) MAN: Mum, it's me again.
It's all the same to him.
Bless his useless retinas.
- You can do that? - Aye, perk of the job.
I lead, he follows.
Wherever I want.
You're in control.
That is amazing! Anyway, we've got places to go, and people to see.
Well, I have.
(LAUGHS) - Next stop, Pet City.
- Wait, wait! I want to come! Silly Destiny! You can't go with them.
Screw you, Gary, we're so over! You bore me! You bore me, Gary, and I'm leaving and I'm never (DESTINY CHOKES) I talk with my good friend Nelson and he reckons Lollipop, are you listening to me? Sorry! This thingcannot get enough of it.
We have to break up! - Until your four-week birthday.
- Butbut but that's one whole day away! - I know and I'm sorry! - You said I was special! You are special! - You told me you loved me! - I do love you! You touched me! Yeah.
And, seriously, we can't tell anyone about that.
I'm not even joking.
Don't you want to lick your little Lollipop? Mmm Oh, God.
Oh, God, think unsexy thoughts Er, er, country music.
Nothing sexy about country music.
Ha-ha.
Ugly old Billy Ray Cyrus and his daughter Miley.
Oh, goddammit! We have to wait until tomorrow.
Oh.
You're back early.
- Who's she? - The cat's mother.
Lollipop, go to your room.
Heh, heh.
So I see where Lollipop gets her looks.
Or where she will get them from eventually (SCREAMING) And I said, ''You might be Keyser SÃ ze, ''but you wouldn't know good theatre if it grabbed your cock in the park!'' You just faked it for Springwatch! - And? - Well, you can't! What would Bill Oddie say?! (CAW!) We're just giving the cameras what they want.
BOTH: Teeth, tits and tail! I don't believe this.
Plus it's the only way to get the cameras away from the bloody badgers.
The vicious bastards.
(CAMPLY) Tally-ho! Oh, not him, too.
Telling this poor devil the truth about Springwatch.
A-ha! Well, welcome to the business, luvvie.
Guysany mascara? Mine's out.
- My head's spinning - Try my overnight bag.
Hang on.
Does Chris Packham know about this? Course he doesn't.
None of them do Packham, Oddie, Nutkins.
Gullible old knobs.
Oh, almond croissant.
Diet starts tomorrow, eh, girls? OK, this is unacceptable! You might not respect Springwatch, but I do, and I want no part of this disgusting, dishonest, grubby little charade! That said, I would like an almond croissant.
So you are saying all the animals in Springwatch are upper-class English actors?! Yes! And everyone on TV's gay! And obviously we've all heard the rumours about Flipper.
# They call him Flipper, Flipper # What's that, Flip? You can't get over how lovely and tall Hugh Jackman is? - (DOLPHIN CLICKS) - And such poise? (DOLPHIN CLICKS) Oh, and before you forget, there's been a shark attack and OK, Flip, next time, might want to start with that bit.
So I told them faking stuff is wrong and I want no part of it.
- Oh - Whoa.
What happened? Ah, yeah, Lollipop's mum kind of savaged me and blah, blah, blah, I lost three pints of blood.
But it's like they say, innit? Cat's got 50 lives! Nine.
A cat's got nine lives.
What? When did this happen? Damn you, the hung parliament! I wonder what he's doing right now.
He could be anywhere.
Anywhere the wind takes him.
Oh, great(!) This again.
Destiny, he's just a guide dog.
And I've guided stuff.
Like, once I helped a chicken cross the road.
Ah, there we go.
Now, then, I will bloody kick myself if I don't ask.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because there's a black person coming and I'm scared he's going to mug me.
Turns out she was just a casual racist.
It's a generational thing.
I could've challenged her, I didn't, it's done.
I don't fancy him or nothing.
It's, like, I want to be him.
I want to be a guide dog! (THEY CHUCKLE) What? I could do it! I can do loads of stuff.
Beg, paw.
Play dead.
Aaaaargh! Any idea? No? OK, the correct answer was David Carradine.
Now give me the biscuit.
I'm going to learn how to be a guide dog and make it back in time for Springwatch.
Ha! You don't watch that rubbish, do you? Er, yeah! And, like, I don't usually go for foxes and stuff, but, oh, that guy fox.
Kinda hot.
Probably because he's, like, on TV and totally famous and - I'd like to be on Springwatch, please.
- You'll have to audition.
Back of the queue, please, luvvie.
Hello.
Vince! Didn't think this was your bag.
I heard a rumour that Springwatch animals get all the best (BLEEP).
Well.
That's very vivid.
And have you done much acting? I once did a really massive (BLEEP) on Clive Owen's front lawn, - if that counts.
- Yeah It probably doesn't.
(SNIFFS) - Lollipop! - I had to see you.
But it is forbidden for us to be together.
We are like Romeo and Juliet.
- Who's that? - Hmm.
Bit old for you.
We are likeRoss and Rachel.
- Never heard of them.
- Gavin and Stacey? - No.
- Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens? - No idea.
- Er, forget it.
The important thing is we cannot be together.
Even though it seem crazy! # The law says today I can't be with you # But tomorrow, we can do whatever we want to do # I can love you # Oh, yes! # And you can love me # Thanks to the Sexual Offences Act, 2003 # One day you're a paedo # And you're my jailbait # Next day you're my sweetheart # And it's suddenly legal to mate BOTH: # What a difference a day makes # Just can't wait till the dawn breaks # Right now you can't handle the love of a man # But from tomorrow you can give it me as hard as you can # What a difference a day makes # One day I'm a pervert # And I've still got my virginity # But in less than 1 5 hours it's a legal technicality # Actually, I'm not a virgin! # What a difference a day makes # Then we can legally fornicate # I'd never dream of breaking the law today # But tomorrow it's my right to do you every which way # What a difference a day makes # Let's elope together! I can be your fiancée! Maybe not.
# What a difference a day makes.
# (RATS VOMIT) I just hope you're still alive tomorrow, now you're down to your last seven lives.
Eight, Kali.
Start with nine.
Lollipop's mum, that makes eight.
Yeah, but how about that time your first owner taught you to swim? OK.
Seven.
I'm cool with this.
Oh! Oh! Or that time your second owner taught you to drive.
You know, Derek, you should never leave animal in car with windows closed.
Very bad.
Also, the carbon monoxide not so healthy, either.
(COUGHS) Oh, waitthe key It's still in the ignition! I have idea.
( # Theme from The Archers) (HUMS ALONG) Six lives.
Oh, by Branson's beard.
That's nothing.
Stupid, useless casting directors! Wouldn't know proper acting if it (BLEEP) them.
Hello, Vince.
- Did you just call me a (BLEEP)? - No.
LOLLIPOP: Stop! He's the Gary to my Stacey! Gavin.
It's Gavin.
Ask your mum.
So, my young prodigy.
You wish to learn the ancient art of guide-doggery? Yes, I mother-fricking do.
In order to attain the sacred rank of fluorescent vest, I must first push you to the very limits of canine endurance.
Please be a montage, please be a montage, please be a montage! - Let's go to work! - Yay! ( # SURVIVOR: Eye Of The Tiger) If you could you just read the top line for me.
And now? Now? And now? Number oneor number two? Hold up.
Sorry, can we? This isn't a training montage, is it? It's a trip to the optician's, set to music.
Pretty much, yeah.
So basically all I need to be a guide dog is eyesight.
How many paws am I holding up? - One.
- Welcome aboard.
Nelson, tell me about yourself.
Er, I'm a very lively performer.
Um, edgy.
I'm from the Mel Gibson school of acting.
- Interesting.
- Yeah.
It was.
(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) OK.
You're in a scene and you forget your lines.
Whose fault is it? - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! - Nelson.
- Is it the Jews? - The Jews.
Excellent.
So you lose your eye line.
Who's to blame? Ooh, ooh, ooh! And what have you prepared for us today? Ooh.
In honour of the great man, I am going to perform a scene from The Passion Of The Christ, translated into English.
(CLEARS THROAT) Ow! Stop it! Argh! Ow, ow, ow! That hurts! Oh, crumbs! Ah! Oh-oh! Seriously, where's Judas? I'll bloody kill him! Oh! Bloody hell! No, not the hands! Think of my carpentry businessand scene.
Nelson Uno momento.
(THEY WHISPER) - Welcome to Springwatch, luvvie! - Bravo.
Get in! ( # TAKE THAT: Rule The World) Dad, I got the part! I didn't have to use the tragic back story in the end, so tell Mum she doesn't need to get cancer! Hmm? Ah.
Oh.
Ooh, that's bad timing.
(PIANO MUSIC) (CIRCUS MUSIC) ( # Theme From Springwatch) Nelson! Man, I'm so frigging proud of you right now.
Come, come, I think we all knew I'd be on TV eventually.
Yeah.
It's just some of us pictured it slightly differently.
Hello and welcome to The Semi-Automatic Surgery with me, Terry Nutkins.
Now, today I'm going to attempt some really complicated open-heart surgery on this fox.
The first thing I've got to do is open him up, and when I've done that, I've got to locate the coronary artery.
When I find the blockage, I've got to blast it away with this 9mm Glock gun.
Er OK, any of you bitches blind? Because I am in the mood for some guiding! Helen Keller, you did it! Bloody well done, Destiny! And now I'm fully qualified I can take Gary wherever I want.
Small problem, dumb-arse - Gary ain't actually blind.
- Ah.
- But he could be.
- Ah! - You can't hurt poor Gary! - Oh, what? Says you.
After that acupuncture session you gave Marion.
(PURRS) Serious, Nelson, it feels magical! (CHUCKLES) Amazing thing was I found these needles.
And they've only been used once.
Honestly, ha, the things those junkies throw away.
(HOWLS) I make that AIDS o'clock.
Four lives left! That means I'm I'm statistically as likely to die as Boyzone! - Jan Moir! - Ah, you didn't know him.
Six sleek swans swim swiftly southward.
- Mixed biscuits, mixed biscuits - It's you, innit? From Springwatch! - Er, guilty! - Oh, please scent my autograph book! Go on, then.
(URINATES) And remember, kids Nelson says, ''Rubber Up!'' So I'll be stage left, sniffing, sniffing, sniffing.
You'll be there, forage-forage, nice flash of tail.
Then we'll have Nelson enter stage right Oh, sounds juicy.
Then I'll come over and rip his throat out.
What? Oh, bravo! A live death on national television.
Packham will love this crap Cwap.
Then we're agreed, we'll kill the little runt.
(GASPS) - Runt.
He said ''runt''.
With an R.
- Oh, because I was going to say! I mean, I know I can be a bit of a pain at times, but What was the other bit? - He's going to kill you.
- (GASPS) And I figure if I cut out clotted cream, full-fat milk and falling out of trees, I reduce my death-rate by around 2% per annum.
All this hassle over some stupid girl.
There's just something different about this one.
Is it the fact that her bones aren't fully formed? You shut your filthy whore mouth, Kali.
I'm surprised you're so keen to get into another relationship, anyway, after what happened on Blind Date.
Will it be contestant number one, who likes chasing birds? Contestant number two, who likes afternoon naps? Or contestant number three, of the Rubbery Chicken takeaway, renowned for its use of suspiciously grey, quite grisly meats? You know what, Cilla? I'm going to take a gamble on this one.
I'm totally not safe.
I need to get indoors, like, now! Hey! He's coming! Gary! He's coming! - Oh, God! I don't know what to do.
- Go on, blind him! Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, - do it, do it, do it, do it, do it - Shut up! Destiny? Argh, my eyes! My eyes are burning! - Hi, you! - Oh, God, what have you done to me? I can't see! Talk about the blind leading the blind, ha, ha, ha! Too soon? It's too soon.
I-I need to go! Get away! If they find out I can't see I can't even bring myself to say it.
What? They'll scoop out his insides, laminate him, drill a slot in his head and stand him outside Asda.
- You mean? - He'll be a collection box! Destiny, I have to pass you the baton.
I have to pass youRoger.
What?! No, no, no, no, no! Hang on a second.
Farewell! Ow! - Oh! - Oof! Bit of guidance wouldn't hurt! Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
It wasn't meant to end like this.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
Marion! Springwatch is after me! They're not loveable, Christopher Biggins, showbiz gays! - They're evil gays! - No! The very worst kind of gays! Yes! And I was thinking maybe you could fight them off for me.
Ah Yeah.
Thing is, I'm kind of down to my last three lives and I only need to survive another eight hours until I can legally have sex with my three-week-old girlfriend.
Hey, we've all been there, right? All right, Nobby? Marion.
Nice to see you back on your feet after the old swine flu episode.
Oh, no! Ah, sorry! I'm not here for you.
Bus crash on the M60.
Couple of stragglers still on life-support.
Whoa, thank God for that! Got a little jumpy.
What are you reading? Ah Angels And Demons.
Like, uh, ''Hello?'' How many people got me that for Christmas? (CHUCKLES) Anyway Oh, sure, rest.
I'll, um Yeah.
See you later.
Oh, whoops! I'm all fingers and thumbs.
Ah! God, I'm so sorry! (HEART MONITOR FLATLINES) Guess that's it, then.
I'll have to leave the bins.
- Forever.
- You can't! But what will you live on? My guts.
My instincts.
My God-given cunning.
Plus the occasional windfall from my Premium Bonds.
God, they are so frigging tax efficient! Goodbye, Marion.
Goodbye, den.
It's been real.
I don't believe it.
This day just couldn't get any worse! Hold up, brain aneurysm.
God! Blind people are so clingy! You look good together, though.
The helpless, tragically dependent, special needs victim.
And the blind man.
Do you see, like? I was talking about you.
You thought I was talking about him, but I was actually talking about you! That was the insult.
Shut up! Don't suppose you want a go? Destiny, if I wanted to be permanently attached to a needy, accident-prone cretin, I'd move back into my last nest.
# Why don't you come on over, Valerie? # Valerie # Hello.
Is that the council? Yeah, I'd like to complain about the woman living under me.
Because she's a donkey-faced crack-skank! All right, I'll hold.
Oh! There must be someone I can Bingo.
Nelson, look after the old ball and chain.
But I'm leaving, like, now.
They're going to kill me! But, but, but, my lickle eyes ache and I want a nap and, and, and Well.
Suppose I can Ciao! Man, you are so pathetic.
Hello, Nelson.
(GASPS) OK, Roger.
Let's see what you can do.
He's onto us! After him! ( # IGGY POP: Lust For Life) OK, there's a box to your left and Mind the barrier! Oh, come on, man, pay attention! Andstep! Chase sequences.
Honestly.
Watch the car door Yeah! OK, now we're getting somewhere.
(CAR HORN HONKS) Guide-dogging.
Harder than it looks.
Now, then, luvvie.
Are you ready for your close-up? Going live in 30 seconds.
I'll see you out there, Nelson.
And don't worry, I won't bite.
Much! - Keep an eye on him, luvvie.
- Oh, God! I'm going to die live on Springwatch in front of a viewing audience of literally dozens of virgins and old people! - Vince! - What do you want? You're lucky I don't tear your bollocks off.
- What for?! - Taking my part on Springwatch.
- You Keira Knightley (BLEEP).
- Oh! Actually, why don't you play my part tonight? Now, wait a minute, chaps.
Have you cleared this with the casting director? Whoa! Did you just call Vince a, er, a (BLEEP)? Pardon my French.
- I didn't say anything! - He did it again! Go on, Vincent, go on, really put your back into it.
Wonderful stuff.
And, cue Nelson! Go, go, go, go, go! Oi.
Get your filthy claws off me.
Hang on.
You're not Nelson.
Right, you asked for this, you (BLEEP) cock garage.
OK, now that's just homophobic.
Just need to stay alive 30 more seconds and then we can do everything.
So Me a former TV celebrity, you an ex-guide dog.
We'd make quite the power couple! Like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
Who? Nelson, I just got rid of one aggravating moron who followed me around everywhere.
I don't want another! None taken.
I'm going to die, I just know it! Fivefour three two one I survived! Ha, ha, ha, ha! And there is now grass on the wicket, so let us commence to play cricket! Is it just me, or is that technically legal, yet still really very creepy? - Still creepy.
- Oh, yeah! Anyway If I ended up with Roger, RIP, whatever happened to the guide dog? If I know him, he'll be out there somewhere, running free, just following the wind.
( # Theme From Tales Of The Unexpected) Who? Subs from DVD, with SubRip_150b4 & Subtitle Edit 3.
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