Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s01e03 Episode Script
How to Recognise Different Types of Trees from Quite a Long Way Away
1 (birds singing, insects chirping) (panting) (lion roars) (audience laughs) IT'S MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
(music ends with squawk) Man: THE LARCH.
THE LARCH.
MR.
LARCH, YOU HAVE HEARD THE CASE FOR THE PROSECUTION.
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WISH TO SAY BEFORE I PASS SENTENCE? WELL, I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY, MY LORD, I'VE I'VE GOT A FAMILY A WIFE AND SIX KIDS AND I HOPE VERY MUCH YOU DON' HAVE TO TAKE AWAY MY FREEDOM BECAUSE WELL, BECAUSE, MY LORD FREEDOM IS A STATE MUCH PRIZED WITHIN THE REALM OF CIVILIZED SOCIETY.
IT IS A BOND WHEREWITH THE SAVAGE MAN MAY CHARM THE OUTWARD HATCHMENTS OF HIS SOUL AND SOOTHE THE TROUBLED BREAS INTO A MAGNITUDE OF QUIET.
(growing agitated): IT IS MOST PRECIOUS AS A BLESSED BALM THE SAVIOR OF PRINCES, THE HARBINGER OF HAPPINESS.
YEA, THE VERY STUFF AND PITH OF ALL WE HOLD MOST DEAR.
WHAT FREES THE PRISONER IN HIS LONELY CELL CHAINED WITHIN THE BONDAGE OF RUDE WALLS FAR FROM THE OWL OF THEBES? WHAT FIRES AND STIRS THE WOODCOCK IN HIS SPRINGE OR WAKES THE DROWSY APRICOT BETIDE? WHAT GODDESS DOTH THE STORM-TOSSED MARINER OFFER MOS TEMPESTUOUS PRAYERS TO? FREEDOM! FREEDOM! FREEDOM.
IT'S ONLY A BLOODY PARKING OFFENSE.
(laughter) I'M SORRY I'M LATE, MY LORD I COULDN'T FIND A KOSHER CAR PARK.
(laughter) UH, DON'T BOTHER TO RECAP, MY LORD.
I'LL PICK IT UP AS WE GO ALONG.
CALL MRS.
FIONA LEWIS.
Clerk: CALL MRS.
FIONA LEWIS.
I SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.
SO ANYWAY, I SAID I SAID TO HER, I SAID THEY CAN'T AFFORD THA ON WHAT HE EARNS.
I MEAN, FOR A START, THE FEATHERS GET UP YOUR NOSE.
I ASK YOU, FOUR AND SIX A POUND, AND HIM WITH A WOODEN LEG? I DON' KNOW HOW SHE PUTS UP WITH I AFTER ALL THE TROUBLE SHE'S HAD WITH HER YOU-KNOW-WHAT.
ANYWAY, IT WAS A WHITE WEDDING, MUCH TO EVERYONE'S SURPRISE.
OF COURSE, THEY BOUGH EVERYTHING ON THE HIRE PURCHASE.
I THINK THEY OUGHT TO SEND I BACK WHERE THEY COME FROM.
I MEAN, YOU'VE GO TO BE CRUEL TO BE KIND.
SO MRS.
HARRIS SAID, SO SHE SAID, SHE SAID, SHE SAID THE DEAD CRAB, SHE SAID, SHE SAID.
WELL, HER SISTER'S GONE TO RHODESIA WHAT WITH HER WOMB AND ALL AND HER YOUNGES HER YOUNGEST AS THIN AS A FILING CABINE AND THE GOLDFISH, THE GOLDFISH, THEY'VE GOT WHOOPING COUGH.
THEY KEEP SPITTING WATER AT THE BRATBYS.
WELL, THEY DO, DON'T THEY? I MEAN, YOU CAN'T, CAN YOU? I MEAN, THEY'RE NOT EVEN MARRIED OR ANYTHING THEY'RE NOT EVEN DIVORCED.
AND HE'S IN THE K.
G.
B.
IF YOU ASK ME.
HE SAYS HE'S A TREE SURGEON BUT I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF HIS LIVER ALL THAT SQUEAKING AND BANGING EVERY NIGH TILL THE SMALL HOURS.
WELL, HIS MOTHER'S BEEN MUCH BETTER SINCE SHE HAD HER HEAD OFF, YES, SHE HAS.
I SAID, DON'T YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT DON'T YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT BLADDERS, I SAID.
MR.
BARTLETT, I FAIL TO SEE THE RELEVANCE OF YOUR LAST WITNESS.
UH, MY NEXT WITNESS WILL EXPLAIN THAT, IF MY LORDSHIP WILL ALLOW.
I CALL THE LATE ARTHUR ALDRIDGE.
THE LATE ARTHUR ALDRIDGE.
Judge: THE LATE ARTHUR ALDRIDGE? YES, MY LORD.
MR.
BARTLETT, DO YOU THINK THERE'S ANY RELEVANCE IN QUESTIONING THE DECEASED? UH, I BEG YOUR PARDON, MY LORD.
WELL, I MEAN, YOUR WITNESS IS DEAD.
YES, MY LORD WELL, UH, VIRTUALLY, MY LORD.
HE'S NOT COMPLETELY DEAD? NO, HE'S NOT COMPLETELY DEAD, MY LORD, NO BUT HE'S NOT AT ALL WELL.
WHAT? WELL, IF HE'S NOT DEAD WHAT'S HE DOING IN A COFFIN? IT'S PURELY PRECAUTION, MY LORD, IF I MAY CONTINUE.
UH, MR.
ALDRIDGE, YOU WERE YOU ARE A STOCKBROKER OF 10 SAVUNDRA CLOSE, WIMBLEDON.
(bang from within coffin) WHAT WAS THAT KNOCK? IT MEANS "YES," MY LORD ONE KNOCK FOR "YES" AND TWO KNOCKS FOR "NO.
" IF I MAY CONTINUE.
UH, MR.
ALDRIDGE, WOULD IT BE FAIR TO SAY THAT YOU ARE NOT AT ALL WELL? (bang) IN FACT, MR.
ALDRIDGE NOT TO PU TOO FINE A POINT ON I WOULD YOU BE PREPARED TO SAY THAT YOU ARE, AS IT WERE WHAT IS GENERALLY KNOWN AS, IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING DEAD? (silence) MR.
ALDRIDGE, I PUT IT TO YOU THAT YOU ARE DEAD.
(silence) AHA! WHERE IS ALL THIS LEADING US? THAT WILL BECOME APPAREN IN ONE MOMENT, MY LORD.
MR.
ALDRIDGE, ARE YOU CONSIDERING THE QUESTION OR ARE YOU JUST DEAD? (silence) I THINK I'D BETTER TAKE A LOOK, MY LORD.
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS, MY LORD.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "NO FURTHER QUESTIONS"? YOU CAN'T JUST DUMP A DEAD BODY IN MY COUR AND SAY "NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
" I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION.
THERE ARE NO EASY ANSWERS IN THIS CASE, MY LORD.
I THINK YOU HAVEN'T GO THE SLIGHTEST IDEA WHAT THIS CASE IS ABOUT.
MY LORD, THE THE THE STRANGE, DAMNABLE, ALMOST DIABOLIC THREADS OF THIS EXTRAORDINARY TANGLED WEB OF INTRIGUE WILL SHORTLY, MY LORD REVEAL A PLOT SO FIENDISH, SO INFERNAL, SO HEINOUS.
MR.
BARTLETT, YOUR CLIEN HAS ALREADY PLEADED GUILTY TO THE PARKING OFFENSE.
PARKING OFFENSE, SCHMARKING OFFENSE, MY LORD.
WE MUST LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED.
CALL CARDINAL RICHELIEU.
OH, YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO STRING THIS CASE OUT.
CARDINAL RICHELIEU? A CHARACTER WITNESS, MY LORD.
(trumpets playing fanfare) (cocky tone): HELLO, EVERYONE.
IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE, YOU KNOW, I JUST LOVE YOUR COUNTRY.
LONDON IS SO BEAUTIFUL AT THIS TIME OF YEAR.
YOU ARE CARDINAL ARMAND DU PLESSIS DE RICHELIEU FIRST MINISTER OF LOUIS XIII? OUI.
CARDINAL, WOULD I BE FAIR TO SAY THAT YOU NOT ONLY BUILT UP THE CENTRALIZED MONARCHY IN FRANCE BUT ALSO PERPETUATED THE RELIGIOUS SCHISM IN EUROPE? THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.
AND DID YOU PERSECUTE THE HUGUENOTS? OUI.
AND DID YOU TAKE EVEN STERNER MEASURES AGAINST THE GREA CATHOLIC NOBLES WHO MADE COMMON CAUSE WITH FOREIGN FOES IN DEFENSE OF THEIR FEUDAL INDEPENDENCE? I SURE DID THAT THING.
CARDINAL, ARE YOU ACQUAINTED WITH THE DEFENDANT, HAROLD LARCH? SINCE I WAS SO HIGH.
SPEAKING AS A CARDINAL OF THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH AS FIRST MINISTER OF LOUIS XIII AND AS ONE OF THE ARCHITECTS OF THE MODERN WORLD ALREADY WOULD YOU SAY THAT HAROLD LARCH WAS A MAN OF GOOD CHARACTER? LISTEN, HARRY IS A VERY WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING.
MY LORD, IN VIEW OF THE IMPECCABLE NATURE OF THIS CHARACTER WITNESS, MAY I PLEAD FOR CLEMENCY? IT'S ONLY 30 SHILLINGS.
(laughter) NOT SO FAST.
WHY NOT? UH UH NONE OF YOUR SMART ANSWERS.
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO CLEVER.
WELL, I'M DIM.
All: DIM? CONSTERNATION, UPROAR! YES, AND I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS I'D LIKE TO ASK CARDINAL SO-CALLED RICHELIEU.
BONJOUR, MONSIEUR DIM.
SO-CALLED CARDINAL I PUT IT TO YOU THAT YOU DIED IN DECEMBER 1642.
THAT IS CORRECT.
AHA! HE FELL FOR MY LITTLE TRAP.
(applauding) CURSE YOU, INSPECTOR DIM YOU ARE TOO CLEVER FOR US NAUGHTY PEOPLE.
AND FURTHERMORE, I SUGGES THAT YOU ARE NONE OTHER THAN RON HIGGINS PROFESSIONAL CARDINAL RICHELIEU IMPERSONATOR.
IT'S A FAIR COP.
MY LIFE, YOU'RE CLEVER, DIM, HE'D CERTAINLY TAKEN ME IN.
IT'S ALL IN A DAY'S WORK.
WELL, WITH A BRILLIANT MIND LIKE YOURS, DIM YOU COULD BE SOMETHING OTHER THAN A POLICEMAN.
YES.
WHAT? (piano plays) IF I WERE NOT IN THE C.
I.
D.
, SOMETHING ELSE I'D LIKE TO BE.
IF I WERE NOT IN THE C.
I.
D.
, A WINDOW CLEANER ME.
WITH A RUB-A-DUB-DUB AND A SCRUB-A-DUB-DUB AND A RUB-A-DUB ALL DAY LONG.
WITH A RUB-A-DUB-DUB AND A SCRUB-A-DUB-DUB I'D SING THIS MERRY SONG.
(others join in) IF I WERE NOT IN THE C.
I.
D.
, SOMETHING ELSE I'D LIKE TO BE.
IF I WERE NOT IN THE C.
I.
D.
, A WINDOW CLEANER ME.
WITH A RUB-A-DUB-DUB AND A SCRUB-A-DUB-DUB AND A RUB-A-DUB ALL DAY LONG.
WITH A RUB-A-DUB-DUB AND A RUB-A-DUB-DUB I'D SING THIS MERRY SONG.
All: HEY! IF I WERE NO BEFORE THE BAR SOMETHING ELSE I'D LIKE TO BE IF I WERE NOT A BARRISTER, AN ENGINE DRIVER ME.
WITH A CHUF-CHUF-CHUF AND A CHUF-CHUF-CHUF (silence) (laughter) (quietly): CHUF (imitates engine exhaust) (clears throat) Man: THE LARCH.
THE LARCH.
Announcer: THIS MAN IS NO ORDINARY MAN.
THIS IS MR.
F.
G.
SUPERMAN TO ALL APPEARANCES NO DIFFEREN FROM ANY OTHER LAW-ABIDING CITIZEN.
(laughter) (dramatic, surging music playing) BUT MR.
F.
G.
SUPERMAN HAS A SECRET IDENTITY.
WHEN TROUBLE STRIKES, AT ANY TIME, AT ANY PLACE HE IS READY TO BECOME BICYCLE REPAIRMAN.
(whistling merrily) (gasps) Boy: HEY! THERE'S A BICYCLE BROKEN.
UP THE ROAD! HMM GOODNESS THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR BICYCLE REPAIRMAN.
BUT HOW TO CHANGE WITHOU REVEALING MY SECRET IDENTITY? (in monotone): IF ONLY BICYCLE REPAIRMAN WERE HERE.
OH, YEAH.
WAIT! I THINK I KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND HIM.
LOOK OVER THERE! Both: BICYCLE REPAIRMAN! BUT HOW? LOOK! IS I A STOCKBROKER? IS IT A QUANTITY SURVEYOR? IS IT A CHURCH WARDEN? All: NO! IT'S BICYCLE REPAIRMAN! WHY, BICYCLE REPAIRMAN THANK GOODNESS YOU'VE COME.
LOOK.
(suspenseful music playing) WHY, HE'S MENDING I WITH HIS OWN HANDS! SEE HOW HE USES A SPANNER TO TIGHTEN THAT NUT.
(all gasp) BICYCLE REPAIRMAN, HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU? WELL, YOU DON' NEED TO, GUV.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ALL IN A DAY'S WORK FOR BICYCLE REPAIRMAN.
(snorts and coughs) All: OUR HERO! Announcer: YES, WHEREVER BICYCLES ARE BROKEN OR MENACED BY INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM BICYCLE REPAIRMAN IS READY READY TO SMASH THE COMMUNISTS, WIPE THEM UP AND SHOVE THEM OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH.
MASH THE DIRTY RED SCUM! KICK THEM IN THE TEETH WHERE IT HURTS! KILL! KILL, KILL! FILTHY BASTARD COMMIES! I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM! AH! AH! Woman: TEA'S READY.
COMING, DEAR.
(laughter) (lilting music playing) HELLO, CHILDREN, HELLO.
HERE IS THIS MORNING'S STORY.
ARE YOU READY? THEN WE'LL BEGIN.
"ONE DAY, RICKY THE MAGIC PIXIE WENT TO VISIT DAISY BUMBLE "IN HER TUMBLE-DOWN COTTAGE.
"HE FOUND HER IN THE BEDROOM.
"ROUGHLY, HE GRABBED HER HEAVY SHOULDERS PULLING HER DOWN ONTO THE BED AND RIPPING OFF HER" (laughter) "OLD NICK THE SEA CAPTAIN "WAS A ROUGH, TOUGH, JOLLY SORT OF FELLOW.
"HE LOVED THE LIFE OF THE SEA "AND HE LOVED TO HANG OU DOWN BY THE PIER WHERE THE MEN DRESSED AS LADIES" (laughter) OH UH (laughs nervously) "RUMPLETWEEZER RAN THE DINKY TINKY SHOP "IN THE FOOT OF THE MAGIC OAK TREE BY THE WOBBLY DUM-DUM BUSH "IN THE SHADE OF THE MAGIC GLADE DOWN IN DINGLY DELL.
HERE HE SOLD CONTRACEPTIVES AND" (loud laughter) DISCIPLINE NAKED WITH A MELON? (lilting tune returns) (laughter) (squishing) (laughter) (humming "Ride of the Valkyries") BENEDICTUS BENEDICA PEREUSUM CHRISTUM DOMINUM NOSTRUM.
BENEDICTUS BENEDICAT (laughter) PEREUSUM CHRISTUM DOMINUM NOSTRUM.
(humming "Ride of the Valkyries") WHOO-HOO! HELLO AGAIN.
NOW HERE'S A LITTLE SKETCH BY TWO BOYS FROM LONDON TOWN.
THEY'VE BEEN WRITING FOR THREE YEARS AND THEY'VE COME UP WITH A LITTLE NUMBER.
HERE IT IS, IT'S CALLED "RESTAURANT SKETCH.
" IT'S NICE HERE, ISN'T IT? OH, VERY GOOD RESTAURANT.
THREE STARS, YOU KNOW.
REALLY? GOOD EVENING, SIR.
GOOD EVENING, MADAM.
AND MAY I SAY WHAT A PLEASURE IT IS TO SEE YOU HERE AGAIN, SIR.
OH, THANK YOU.
HMM, WELL, THERE YOU ARE, DEAR.
JUST HAVE A LOOK THERE.
ANYTHING YOU LIKE? THE BOEUF EN CROUTE IS FANTASTIC.
IF I MAY SUGGEST, SIR, THE PHEASANT A LA REINE THE SAUCE IS ONE OF THE CHEF'S MOST FAMOUS CREATIONS.
MMM, THA SOUNDS GOOD.
ANYWAY, JUS HAVE A LOOK.
TAKE YOUR TIME.
OH, BY THE WAY, I'VE GO A BIT OF A DIRTY FORK.
COULD YOU GET ME ANOTHER ONE? I BEG YOUR PARDON? WELL, IT'S NOTHING.
I'VE GOT A FORK A LITTLE BIT DIRTY COULD YOU GET ME ANOTHER ONE? THANK YOU.
OH, SIR, I DO APOLOGIZE! OH, NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE, DOESN'T WORRY ME.
OH, NO, NO, NO, I DO APOLOGIZE! I WILL FETCH THE HEADWAITER IMMEDIATEMENT.
OH, THERE'S NO NEED TO DO THAT.
OH, NO, NO, I AM SURE THE HEADWAITER HE WILL WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU HIMSELF.
I WILL FETCH HIM AT ONCE.
WELL, YOU CERTAINLY GE GOOD SERVICE HERE, DON'T YOU? THEY REALLY LOOK AFTER YOU, YES.
EXCUSE ME, MONSIEUR, MADAME.
IT'S FILTHY! GASTON! FIND OU WHO WASHED THESE UP AND GIVE THEM THEIR CARDS IMMEDIATELY! OH, NO, NO NO, BETTER STILL CAN'T AFFORD TO TAKE ANY CHANCES SACK THE ENTIRE WASHING-UP STAFF! NO, LOOK, I DON'T WAN TO MAKE ANY TROUBLE.
OH, NO, PLEASE, IT'S NO TROUBLE.
IT'S QUITE RIGH THAT YOU SHOULD POIN THESE KIND OF THINGS OUT.
GASTON TELL THE MANAGER WHAT HAS HAPPENED IMMEDIATELY! NO, NO, PLEASE, I DON' WANT TO CAUSE ANY FUSS.
PLEASE, IT'S NO FUSS.
WE SIMPLY WISH TO ENSURE THAT NOTHING INTERFERES WITH YOUR COMPLETE EN JOYMENT OF THE MEAL.
I'M SURE IT WON'T.
IT WAS ONLY A DIRTY FORK.
I KNOW, AND I'M SORRY! BITTERLY SORRY! BUT I KNOW THA NO APOLOGIES I CAN MAKE CAN ALTER THE FAC THAT IN OUR RESTAURAN YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN A DIRTY, FILTHY SMELLY PIECE OF CUTLERY! IT WASN' SMELLY.
IT WAS SMELLY! AND OBSCENE AND DISGUSTING! AND I HATE IT, I HATE IT! I HATE IT! NASTY, GRUBBY, DIRTY, MANGY, SCRUBBY LITTLE FORK! OH OH OH THAT WILL DO, GILBERTO GILBERTO.
GOOD EVENING, SIR, GOOD EVENING, MADAM.
I AM THE MANAGER.
I'VE ONLY JUST HEARD.
MAY I SIT DOWN? YES, OF COURSE.
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE HUMBLY, DEEPLY AND SINCERELY ABOUT THE FORK.
OH, NO, PLEASE, IT WAS ONLY A TINY BIT DIRTY.
JUST COULDN'T SEE IT.
OH, YOU'RE GOOD, KIND, FINE PEOPLE FOR SAYING THA BUT I CAN SEE IT.
TO ME IT'S LIKE A MOUNTAIN A VAST BOWL OF PUS.
IT'S NOT AS BAD AS THAT.
IT GETS ME HERE.
I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANY EXCUSES FOR IT, THERE ARE NO EXCUSES.
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO SPEND MORE TIME IN THE RESTAURANT RECENTLY BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN TOO WELL AND THINGS AREN' GOING VERY WELL BACK THERE.
THE POOR COOK'S SON HAS BEEN PUT AWAY AGAIN AND POOR OLD MRS.
DALRYMPLE, WHO DOES THE WASHING UP CAN HARDLY MOVE HER POOR FINGERS AND THEN THERE'S GILBERTO'S WAR WOUND.
BUT THEY'RE GOOD PEOPLE AND THEY'RE KIND PEOPLE.
TOGETHER WE WERE BEGINNING TO GET OVER THIS DARK PATCH.
THERE WAS LIGH AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL WHEN THIS WHEN THIS HAPPENED! (sobbing) COULD I GET YOU SOME WATER? IT'S THE END OF THE ROAD! (sobbing) (laughter) YOU BASTARDS! YOU VICIOUS, HEARTLESS BASTARDS! (forcing a carefree laugh) LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO HIM! HE'S WORKED HIS FINGERS TO THE BONE TO MAKE THIS PLACE WHAT IT IS AND YOU COME IN WITH YOUR PETTY, FEEBLE QUIBBLING AND YOU GRIND HIM INTO THE DIRT! THIS FINE, HONORABLE MAN WHOSE BOOTS YOU ARE NOT WORTHY TO KISS! OH, IT MAKES ME MAD.
(laughter) MAD! MAD.
EASY, MUNGO, EASY.
MAD.
MUNGO! OH, THE WAR WOUND! THE WOUND, THE WOUND! IT'S THE END! THEY'VE DESTROYED HIM! THE END! (screaming) HE'S DEAD! THEY KILLED HIM! (bellowing): REVENGE! REVENGE! NO, MUNGO! MUNGO! NEVER KILL A CUSTOMER.
(laughter) OH, THE WOUND, THE WOUND! THE WOUND AGAIN! (shrieking) LUCKY WE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE DIRTY KNIFE.
(audience booing) OH, NO, COME ON, NO! NO, NO, NO, NO! WELL, THERE WE ARE, THEN, THAT WAS THE RESTAURANT SKETCH.
NICE LITTLE NUMBER, BIT VICIOUS IN PARTS, BUT A LOT OF FUN.
BUT HOW ABOU THAT PUNCH LINE, EH? OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? OH, REALLY.
(laughter) (laughter) Man: TIRED OF THAT DRAB, BORING LIFE YOU LEAD? THEN PURCHASE A PAST.
YES, THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE HAVE LED FAR MORE INTERESTING LIVES THAN YOU WILL EVER LEAD.
("Orpheus in Hades" plays) (pig grunting) (car horn honks) (crash) (whistle blowing) (pig grunts) (whistle blowing urgently) (music box playing happy tune) (splash) (woman grunting) (raspberry) THEY UNDOUBTEDLY CONTINUE TO LEAD INTERESTING LIVES WHEREAS YOU JUST AS ASSUREDLY WILL NOT.
BITS OF THEIR LIVES ARE BEING MADE AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE.
FOR ONLY 15 SHILLINGS DULLARDS LIKE YOURSELF CAN OBTAIN BEAUTIFULLY FRAMED PHOTOGRAPHS OF OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES.
HANG THEM IN YOUR DEN.
STAND THEM ON YOUR DESK OR NEXT TO YOUR BED.
PRETEND THEY ARE PICTURES FROM YOUR PAST.
(romantic music playing) (knock at door) HELLO, I'M UNCLE FRANK AND FAMILY.
MIND IF WE STAY A COUPLE OF NIGHTS? OR A MONTH? OR THREE YEARS? HELLO, WE'RE UNCLE GEORGE AND AGNES.
WHERE'S THE BATHROOM? (all talking at once) Man: SHUT UP! OH, SHUT UP! All: OH, SORRY.
Man: NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
(whistling cheerfully) (romantic music playing) (laughter) (laughter) (laughter) (laughter) GOOD EVENING.
HERE IS THE 6:00 NEWS READ BY MICHAEL QUEEN.
IT'S BEEN A QUIET DAY OVER MOST OF THE COUNTRY AS PEOPLE WENT BACK TO WORK AFTER THE WARMEST JULY WEEKEND FOR NEARLY A YEAR.
(laughter) THE ONLY HIGH SPOT OF THE WEEKEND WAS THE MEETING BETWEEN OFFICIALS OF THE N.
E.
D.
C.
AND THE O.
D.
C.
N.
IN BRADFORD TODAY.
(banging) MR.
TED JOHNSON OF THE N.
E.
D.
C (banging obscures newscast) (gunfire) (laughter) IN GENEVA, OFFICIALS OF THE CENTRAL CLEARING BANKS MET WITH HERR VOLESCHTAD OF POLAND TO DISCUSS NON-RETURNABLE LOANS ON A 12-YEAR TRUST BASIS FOR THE CONSTRUCTION OF A NEW ZINC-TREATING WORKS IN THE OMSK AREA OF KRAKOW, NEAR THE BULESTAN BORDER.
THE BOARD OF TRADE HAS RATIFIED A TRADE AGREEMEN WITH THE SOVIET UNION FOR THE SALE OF 600 LOW-GEAR ELECTRIC SEWING MACHINES.
THE PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE SAID HE HOPED THIS WOULD MARK A NEW ERA OF EXPANSION IN WORLD TRADE AND A NEW SPIRIT OF COOPERATION BETWEEN EAST AND WEST.
THERE HAS BEEN A SUBSTANTIAL DROP IN GOLD RESERVES DURING THE LAST 12 MONTHS.
THIS FOLLOWS A STATEMEN BY THE TREASURY TO THE EFFECT THAT THE BALANCE OF IMPORTS SITUATION HAD NOT CHANGED DRAMATICALLY OVER THE SAME PERIOD.
STILL NO NEWS OF THE NATIONAL SAVINGS BOOK LOST BY MR.
CHARLES GRIFFITHS OF PORTHCAWL DURING A FIELD EXPEDITION TO THE NATURE RESERVES OF SWANSEA LAST JULY.
MR.
GRIFFITHS' WIFE SAID THAT HER HUSBAND WAS REFUSING TO TALK TO THE PRESS UNTIL THE SAVINGS CERTIFICATE HAD BEEN FOUND.
IN CORNWALL, THE DEATH HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED TODAY OF THE FORMER MINISTER WITHOUT PORTFOLIO GENERAL SIR HUGH MARKSBY-SMITH.
SIR HUGH WAS VICE-PRESIDEN OF THE ROTARIAN MOVEMENT.
IN THE MATCH BETWEEN GLAMORGAN AND YORKSHIRE THE YORKSHIRE BOWLER NICHOLSON TOOK EIGHT WICKETS FOR THREE RUNS.
GLAMORGAN WERE ALL OUT FOR 36 AND THEREFORE WON THE MATCH BY AN INNINGS AND SEVEN RUNS.
WEATHER FOR TOMORROW WILL BE CLOUDY WITH OCCASIONAL OUTBREAKS OF RAIN.
THAT IS THE END OF THE (laughter, applause) THE LARCH.
THE HORSE CHESTNUT.
(cheering) ERIC, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD RECOGNIZE A LARCH TREE? (laughter) I DON'T KNOW.
(laughter) WHAT'S YOUR NAME? MICHAEL.
(laughter) MICHAEL, DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT A LARCH TREE LOOKS LIKE? I WAN TO GO HOME.
(laughter) BOTTOM.
ARE THERE ANY OTHER TREES THAT ANY OF YOU THINK YOU COULD RECOGNIZE FROM QUITE A LONG WAY AWAY? (mumbling): I WANT SKETCH OF ERIC'S, PLEASE.
WHAT? I WANT TO SEE A SKETCH OF ERIC'S "NUDGE, NUDGE.
" A WHAT? SKETCH? ERIC'S WRITTEN A I'VE WRITTEN A SKETCH.
"NUDGE, NUDGE," ERIC'S WRITTEN.
"NUDGE, NUDGE.
" "NUDGE, NUDGE.
" IS YOUR WIFE A A GOER, EH? KNOW WHAT I MEAN, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NUDGE, NUDGE, NUDGE, NUDGE.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SAY NO MORE, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I BEG YOUR PARDON? YOUR WIFE DOES SHE, UH DOES SHE GO, EH, EH, EH? KNOW WHAT I MEAN, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NUDGE, NUDGE, SAY NO MORE? WELL, SHE SOMETIMES GOES, YES.
I'LL BET SHE DOES, I'LL BET SHE DOES I'LL BET SHE DOES.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NUDGE, NUDGE? I'M SORRY I DON'T QUITE FOLLOW YOU.
FOLLOW ME, FOLLOW ME! I LIKE THAT, THAT'S GOOD.
A NOD'S AS GOOD AS A WINK TO A BLIND BAT, EH? ARE YOU TRYING TO SELL SOMETHING? SELLING, SELLING, VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.
OH, WICKED, WICKED, YOU'RE WICKED, EH? KNOW WHAT I MEAN, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NUDGE, NUDGE? KNOW WHAT I MEAN, NUDGE, NUDGE? NUDGE, NUDGE? SAY NO MORE! AH! OOH! YOUR WIFE, IS SHE, UH IS SHE A SPORT, EH? WELL, YES, SHE LIKES SPORT, YES.
I'LL BET SHE DOES, I'LL BET SHE DOES.
SHE'S VERY FOND OF CRICKE AS A MATTER OF FACT.
WHO ISN'T, EH? KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKES GAMES, LIKES GAMES? KNEW SHE WOULD, KNEW SHE WOULD, KNEW SHE WOULD.
SHE'S BEEN AROUND, EH? BEEN AROUND.
SHE'S TRAVELED.
SHE'S FROM PURLEY.
OH, OH, SAY NO MORE, SAY NO MORE! SAY NO MORE, PURLEY! SAY NO MORE, PURLEY, EH? KNOW WHAT I MEAN, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SAY NO MORE.
YOUR WIFE INTERESTED IN (clicks his tongue) PHOTOGRAPHS, EH? KNOW WHAT I MEAN? "PHOTOGRAPHS?" HE ASKED HIM KNOWINGLY.
PHOTOGRAPHY? YES, NUDGE, NUDGE, SNAP, SNAP GRIN, GRIN, WINK, WINK SAY NO MORE.
HOLIDAY SNAPS? COULD BE, COULD BE TAKEN ON A HOLIDAY COULD BE, YES.
SWIMMING COSTUMES, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? CANDID PHOTOGRAPHY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NUDGE, NUDGE.
NO, NO, WE DON' HAVE A CAMERA.
AH.
STILL WHOA! HEY? WHOA! HEY? LOOK, ARE YOU INSINUATING SOMETHING? OH, OH YES.
WELL? WELL, I MEAN YOU ARE A MAN OF THE WORLD, AREN'T YOU? I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN THERE, HAVEN'T YOU? I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN AROUND, EH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, I MEAN, LIKE YOU'VE DONE IT.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU'VE SLEPT WITH A LADY.
YES.
WHAT'S IT LIKE? (snorts) U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation.]
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) (lions roaring) (cries out) (cries out) Man: THE LARCH.
(laughter and applause)
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
(music ends with squawk) Man: THE LARCH.
THE LARCH.
MR.
LARCH, YOU HAVE HEARD THE CASE FOR THE PROSECUTION.
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WISH TO SAY BEFORE I PASS SENTENCE? WELL, I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY, MY LORD, I'VE I'VE GOT A FAMILY A WIFE AND SIX KIDS AND I HOPE VERY MUCH YOU DON' HAVE TO TAKE AWAY MY FREEDOM BECAUSE WELL, BECAUSE, MY LORD FREEDOM IS A STATE MUCH PRIZED WITHIN THE REALM OF CIVILIZED SOCIETY.
IT IS A BOND WHEREWITH THE SAVAGE MAN MAY CHARM THE OUTWARD HATCHMENTS OF HIS SOUL AND SOOTHE THE TROUBLED BREAS INTO A MAGNITUDE OF QUIET.
(growing agitated): IT IS MOST PRECIOUS AS A BLESSED BALM THE SAVIOR OF PRINCES, THE HARBINGER OF HAPPINESS.
YEA, THE VERY STUFF AND PITH OF ALL WE HOLD MOST DEAR.
WHAT FREES THE PRISONER IN HIS LONELY CELL CHAINED WITHIN THE BONDAGE OF RUDE WALLS FAR FROM THE OWL OF THEBES? WHAT FIRES AND STIRS THE WOODCOCK IN HIS SPRINGE OR WAKES THE DROWSY APRICOT BETIDE? WHAT GODDESS DOTH THE STORM-TOSSED MARINER OFFER MOS TEMPESTUOUS PRAYERS TO? FREEDOM! FREEDOM! FREEDOM.
IT'S ONLY A BLOODY PARKING OFFENSE.
(laughter) I'M SORRY I'M LATE, MY LORD I COULDN'T FIND A KOSHER CAR PARK.
(laughter) UH, DON'T BOTHER TO RECAP, MY LORD.
I'LL PICK IT UP AS WE GO ALONG.
CALL MRS.
FIONA LEWIS.
Clerk: CALL MRS.
FIONA LEWIS.
I SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.
SO ANYWAY, I SAID I SAID TO HER, I SAID THEY CAN'T AFFORD THA ON WHAT HE EARNS.
I MEAN, FOR A START, THE FEATHERS GET UP YOUR NOSE.
I ASK YOU, FOUR AND SIX A POUND, AND HIM WITH A WOODEN LEG? I DON' KNOW HOW SHE PUTS UP WITH I AFTER ALL THE TROUBLE SHE'S HAD WITH HER YOU-KNOW-WHAT.
ANYWAY, IT WAS A WHITE WEDDING, MUCH TO EVERYONE'S SURPRISE.
OF COURSE, THEY BOUGH EVERYTHING ON THE HIRE PURCHASE.
I THINK THEY OUGHT TO SEND I BACK WHERE THEY COME FROM.
I MEAN, YOU'VE GO TO BE CRUEL TO BE KIND.
SO MRS.
HARRIS SAID, SO SHE SAID, SHE SAID, SHE SAID THE DEAD CRAB, SHE SAID, SHE SAID.
WELL, HER SISTER'S GONE TO RHODESIA WHAT WITH HER WOMB AND ALL AND HER YOUNGES HER YOUNGEST AS THIN AS A FILING CABINE AND THE GOLDFISH, THE GOLDFISH, THEY'VE GOT WHOOPING COUGH.
THEY KEEP SPITTING WATER AT THE BRATBYS.
WELL, THEY DO, DON'T THEY? I MEAN, YOU CAN'T, CAN YOU? I MEAN, THEY'RE NOT EVEN MARRIED OR ANYTHING THEY'RE NOT EVEN DIVORCED.
AND HE'S IN THE K.
G.
B.
IF YOU ASK ME.
HE SAYS HE'S A TREE SURGEON BUT I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF HIS LIVER ALL THAT SQUEAKING AND BANGING EVERY NIGH TILL THE SMALL HOURS.
WELL, HIS MOTHER'S BEEN MUCH BETTER SINCE SHE HAD HER HEAD OFF, YES, SHE HAS.
I SAID, DON'T YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT DON'T YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT BLADDERS, I SAID.
MR.
BARTLETT, I FAIL TO SEE THE RELEVANCE OF YOUR LAST WITNESS.
UH, MY NEXT WITNESS WILL EXPLAIN THAT, IF MY LORDSHIP WILL ALLOW.
I CALL THE LATE ARTHUR ALDRIDGE.
THE LATE ARTHUR ALDRIDGE.
Judge: THE LATE ARTHUR ALDRIDGE? YES, MY LORD.
MR.
BARTLETT, DO YOU THINK THERE'S ANY RELEVANCE IN QUESTIONING THE DECEASED? UH, I BEG YOUR PARDON, MY LORD.
WELL, I MEAN, YOUR WITNESS IS DEAD.
YES, MY LORD WELL, UH, VIRTUALLY, MY LORD.
HE'S NOT COMPLETELY DEAD? NO, HE'S NOT COMPLETELY DEAD, MY LORD, NO BUT HE'S NOT AT ALL WELL.
WHAT? WELL, IF HE'S NOT DEAD WHAT'S HE DOING IN A COFFIN? IT'S PURELY PRECAUTION, MY LORD, IF I MAY CONTINUE.
UH, MR.
ALDRIDGE, YOU WERE YOU ARE A STOCKBROKER OF 10 SAVUNDRA CLOSE, WIMBLEDON.
(bang from within coffin) WHAT WAS THAT KNOCK? IT MEANS "YES," MY LORD ONE KNOCK FOR "YES" AND TWO KNOCKS FOR "NO.
" IF I MAY CONTINUE.
UH, MR.
ALDRIDGE, WOULD IT BE FAIR TO SAY THAT YOU ARE NOT AT ALL WELL? (bang) IN FACT, MR.
ALDRIDGE NOT TO PU TOO FINE A POINT ON I WOULD YOU BE PREPARED TO SAY THAT YOU ARE, AS IT WERE WHAT IS GENERALLY KNOWN AS, IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING DEAD? (silence) MR.
ALDRIDGE, I PUT IT TO YOU THAT YOU ARE DEAD.
(silence) AHA! WHERE IS ALL THIS LEADING US? THAT WILL BECOME APPAREN IN ONE MOMENT, MY LORD.
MR.
ALDRIDGE, ARE YOU CONSIDERING THE QUESTION OR ARE YOU JUST DEAD? (silence) I THINK I'D BETTER TAKE A LOOK, MY LORD.
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS, MY LORD.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "NO FURTHER QUESTIONS"? YOU CAN'T JUST DUMP A DEAD BODY IN MY COUR AND SAY "NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
" I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION.
THERE ARE NO EASY ANSWERS IN THIS CASE, MY LORD.
I THINK YOU HAVEN'T GO THE SLIGHTEST IDEA WHAT THIS CASE IS ABOUT.
MY LORD, THE THE THE STRANGE, DAMNABLE, ALMOST DIABOLIC THREADS OF THIS EXTRAORDINARY TANGLED WEB OF INTRIGUE WILL SHORTLY, MY LORD REVEAL A PLOT SO FIENDISH, SO INFERNAL, SO HEINOUS.
MR.
BARTLETT, YOUR CLIEN HAS ALREADY PLEADED GUILTY TO THE PARKING OFFENSE.
PARKING OFFENSE, SCHMARKING OFFENSE, MY LORD.
WE MUST LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED.
CALL CARDINAL RICHELIEU.
OH, YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO STRING THIS CASE OUT.
CARDINAL RICHELIEU? A CHARACTER WITNESS, MY LORD.
(trumpets playing fanfare) (cocky tone): HELLO, EVERYONE.
IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE, YOU KNOW, I JUST LOVE YOUR COUNTRY.
LONDON IS SO BEAUTIFUL AT THIS TIME OF YEAR.
YOU ARE CARDINAL ARMAND DU PLESSIS DE RICHELIEU FIRST MINISTER OF LOUIS XIII? OUI.
CARDINAL, WOULD I BE FAIR TO SAY THAT YOU NOT ONLY BUILT UP THE CENTRALIZED MONARCHY IN FRANCE BUT ALSO PERPETUATED THE RELIGIOUS SCHISM IN EUROPE? THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.
AND DID YOU PERSECUTE THE HUGUENOTS? OUI.
AND DID YOU TAKE EVEN STERNER MEASURES AGAINST THE GREA CATHOLIC NOBLES WHO MADE COMMON CAUSE WITH FOREIGN FOES IN DEFENSE OF THEIR FEUDAL INDEPENDENCE? I SURE DID THAT THING.
CARDINAL, ARE YOU ACQUAINTED WITH THE DEFENDANT, HAROLD LARCH? SINCE I WAS SO HIGH.
SPEAKING AS A CARDINAL OF THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH AS FIRST MINISTER OF LOUIS XIII AND AS ONE OF THE ARCHITECTS OF THE MODERN WORLD ALREADY WOULD YOU SAY THAT HAROLD LARCH WAS A MAN OF GOOD CHARACTER? LISTEN, HARRY IS A VERY WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING.
MY LORD, IN VIEW OF THE IMPECCABLE NATURE OF THIS CHARACTER WITNESS, MAY I PLEAD FOR CLEMENCY? IT'S ONLY 30 SHILLINGS.
(laughter) NOT SO FAST.
WHY NOT? UH UH NONE OF YOUR SMART ANSWERS.
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO CLEVER.
WELL, I'M DIM.
All: DIM? CONSTERNATION, UPROAR! YES, AND I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS I'D LIKE TO ASK CARDINAL SO-CALLED RICHELIEU.
BONJOUR, MONSIEUR DIM.
SO-CALLED CARDINAL I PUT IT TO YOU THAT YOU DIED IN DECEMBER 1642.
THAT IS CORRECT.
AHA! HE FELL FOR MY LITTLE TRAP.
(applauding) CURSE YOU, INSPECTOR DIM YOU ARE TOO CLEVER FOR US NAUGHTY PEOPLE.
AND FURTHERMORE, I SUGGES THAT YOU ARE NONE OTHER THAN RON HIGGINS PROFESSIONAL CARDINAL RICHELIEU IMPERSONATOR.
IT'S A FAIR COP.
MY LIFE, YOU'RE CLEVER, DIM, HE'D CERTAINLY TAKEN ME IN.
IT'S ALL IN A DAY'S WORK.
WELL, WITH A BRILLIANT MIND LIKE YOURS, DIM YOU COULD BE SOMETHING OTHER THAN A POLICEMAN.
YES.
WHAT? (piano plays) IF I WERE NOT IN THE C.
I.
D.
, SOMETHING ELSE I'D LIKE TO BE.
IF I WERE NOT IN THE C.
I.
D.
, A WINDOW CLEANER ME.
WITH A RUB-A-DUB-DUB AND A SCRUB-A-DUB-DUB AND A RUB-A-DUB ALL DAY LONG.
WITH A RUB-A-DUB-DUB AND A SCRUB-A-DUB-DUB I'D SING THIS MERRY SONG.
(others join in) IF I WERE NOT IN THE C.
I.
D.
, SOMETHING ELSE I'D LIKE TO BE.
IF I WERE NOT IN THE C.
I.
D.
, A WINDOW CLEANER ME.
WITH A RUB-A-DUB-DUB AND A SCRUB-A-DUB-DUB AND A RUB-A-DUB ALL DAY LONG.
WITH A RUB-A-DUB-DUB AND A RUB-A-DUB-DUB I'D SING THIS MERRY SONG.
All: HEY! IF I WERE NO BEFORE THE BAR SOMETHING ELSE I'D LIKE TO BE IF I WERE NOT A BARRISTER, AN ENGINE DRIVER ME.
WITH A CHUF-CHUF-CHUF AND A CHUF-CHUF-CHUF (silence) (laughter) (quietly): CHUF (imitates engine exhaust) (clears throat) Man: THE LARCH.
THE LARCH.
Announcer: THIS MAN IS NO ORDINARY MAN.
THIS IS MR.
F.
G.
SUPERMAN TO ALL APPEARANCES NO DIFFEREN FROM ANY OTHER LAW-ABIDING CITIZEN.
(laughter) (dramatic, surging music playing) BUT MR.
F.
G.
SUPERMAN HAS A SECRET IDENTITY.
WHEN TROUBLE STRIKES, AT ANY TIME, AT ANY PLACE HE IS READY TO BECOME BICYCLE REPAIRMAN.
(whistling merrily) (gasps) Boy: HEY! THERE'S A BICYCLE BROKEN.
UP THE ROAD! HMM GOODNESS THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR BICYCLE REPAIRMAN.
BUT HOW TO CHANGE WITHOU REVEALING MY SECRET IDENTITY? (in monotone): IF ONLY BICYCLE REPAIRMAN WERE HERE.
OH, YEAH.
WAIT! I THINK I KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND HIM.
LOOK OVER THERE! Both: BICYCLE REPAIRMAN! BUT HOW? LOOK! IS I A STOCKBROKER? IS IT A QUANTITY SURVEYOR? IS IT A CHURCH WARDEN? All: NO! IT'S BICYCLE REPAIRMAN! WHY, BICYCLE REPAIRMAN THANK GOODNESS YOU'VE COME.
LOOK.
(suspenseful music playing) WHY, HE'S MENDING I WITH HIS OWN HANDS! SEE HOW HE USES A SPANNER TO TIGHTEN THAT NUT.
(all gasp) BICYCLE REPAIRMAN, HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU? WELL, YOU DON' NEED TO, GUV.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ALL IN A DAY'S WORK FOR BICYCLE REPAIRMAN.
(snorts and coughs) All: OUR HERO! Announcer: YES, WHEREVER BICYCLES ARE BROKEN OR MENACED BY INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM BICYCLE REPAIRMAN IS READY READY TO SMASH THE COMMUNISTS, WIPE THEM UP AND SHOVE THEM OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH.
MASH THE DIRTY RED SCUM! KICK THEM IN THE TEETH WHERE IT HURTS! KILL! KILL, KILL! FILTHY BASTARD COMMIES! I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM! AH! AH! Woman: TEA'S READY.
COMING, DEAR.
(laughter) (lilting music playing) HELLO, CHILDREN, HELLO.
HERE IS THIS MORNING'S STORY.
ARE YOU READY? THEN WE'LL BEGIN.
"ONE DAY, RICKY THE MAGIC PIXIE WENT TO VISIT DAISY BUMBLE "IN HER TUMBLE-DOWN COTTAGE.
"HE FOUND HER IN THE BEDROOM.
"ROUGHLY, HE GRABBED HER HEAVY SHOULDERS PULLING HER DOWN ONTO THE BED AND RIPPING OFF HER" (laughter) "OLD NICK THE SEA CAPTAIN "WAS A ROUGH, TOUGH, JOLLY SORT OF FELLOW.
"HE LOVED THE LIFE OF THE SEA "AND HE LOVED TO HANG OU DOWN BY THE PIER WHERE THE MEN DRESSED AS LADIES" (laughter) OH UH (laughs nervously) "RUMPLETWEEZER RAN THE DINKY TINKY SHOP "IN THE FOOT OF THE MAGIC OAK TREE BY THE WOBBLY DUM-DUM BUSH "IN THE SHADE OF THE MAGIC GLADE DOWN IN DINGLY DELL.
HERE HE SOLD CONTRACEPTIVES AND" (loud laughter) DISCIPLINE NAKED WITH A MELON? (lilting tune returns) (laughter) (squishing) (laughter) (humming "Ride of the Valkyries") BENEDICTUS BENEDICA PEREUSUM CHRISTUM DOMINUM NOSTRUM.
BENEDICTUS BENEDICAT (laughter) PEREUSUM CHRISTUM DOMINUM NOSTRUM.
(humming "Ride of the Valkyries") WHOO-HOO! HELLO AGAIN.
NOW HERE'S A LITTLE SKETCH BY TWO BOYS FROM LONDON TOWN.
THEY'VE BEEN WRITING FOR THREE YEARS AND THEY'VE COME UP WITH A LITTLE NUMBER.
HERE IT IS, IT'S CALLED "RESTAURANT SKETCH.
" IT'S NICE HERE, ISN'T IT? OH, VERY GOOD RESTAURANT.
THREE STARS, YOU KNOW.
REALLY? GOOD EVENING, SIR.
GOOD EVENING, MADAM.
AND MAY I SAY WHAT A PLEASURE IT IS TO SEE YOU HERE AGAIN, SIR.
OH, THANK YOU.
HMM, WELL, THERE YOU ARE, DEAR.
JUST HAVE A LOOK THERE.
ANYTHING YOU LIKE? THE BOEUF EN CROUTE IS FANTASTIC.
IF I MAY SUGGEST, SIR, THE PHEASANT A LA REINE THE SAUCE IS ONE OF THE CHEF'S MOST FAMOUS CREATIONS.
MMM, THA SOUNDS GOOD.
ANYWAY, JUS HAVE A LOOK.
TAKE YOUR TIME.
OH, BY THE WAY, I'VE GO A BIT OF A DIRTY FORK.
COULD YOU GET ME ANOTHER ONE? I BEG YOUR PARDON? WELL, IT'S NOTHING.
I'VE GOT A FORK A LITTLE BIT DIRTY COULD YOU GET ME ANOTHER ONE? THANK YOU.
OH, SIR, I DO APOLOGIZE! OH, NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE, DOESN'T WORRY ME.
OH, NO, NO, NO, I DO APOLOGIZE! I WILL FETCH THE HEADWAITER IMMEDIATEMENT.
OH, THERE'S NO NEED TO DO THAT.
OH, NO, NO, I AM SURE THE HEADWAITER HE WILL WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU HIMSELF.
I WILL FETCH HIM AT ONCE.
WELL, YOU CERTAINLY GE GOOD SERVICE HERE, DON'T YOU? THEY REALLY LOOK AFTER YOU, YES.
EXCUSE ME, MONSIEUR, MADAME.
IT'S FILTHY! GASTON! FIND OU WHO WASHED THESE UP AND GIVE THEM THEIR CARDS IMMEDIATELY! OH, NO, NO NO, BETTER STILL CAN'T AFFORD TO TAKE ANY CHANCES SACK THE ENTIRE WASHING-UP STAFF! NO, LOOK, I DON'T WAN TO MAKE ANY TROUBLE.
OH, NO, PLEASE, IT'S NO TROUBLE.
IT'S QUITE RIGH THAT YOU SHOULD POIN THESE KIND OF THINGS OUT.
GASTON TELL THE MANAGER WHAT HAS HAPPENED IMMEDIATELY! NO, NO, PLEASE, I DON' WANT TO CAUSE ANY FUSS.
PLEASE, IT'S NO FUSS.
WE SIMPLY WISH TO ENSURE THAT NOTHING INTERFERES WITH YOUR COMPLETE EN JOYMENT OF THE MEAL.
I'M SURE IT WON'T.
IT WAS ONLY A DIRTY FORK.
I KNOW, AND I'M SORRY! BITTERLY SORRY! BUT I KNOW THA NO APOLOGIES I CAN MAKE CAN ALTER THE FAC THAT IN OUR RESTAURAN YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN A DIRTY, FILTHY SMELLY PIECE OF CUTLERY! IT WASN' SMELLY.
IT WAS SMELLY! AND OBSCENE AND DISGUSTING! AND I HATE IT, I HATE IT! I HATE IT! NASTY, GRUBBY, DIRTY, MANGY, SCRUBBY LITTLE FORK! OH OH OH THAT WILL DO, GILBERTO GILBERTO.
GOOD EVENING, SIR, GOOD EVENING, MADAM.
I AM THE MANAGER.
I'VE ONLY JUST HEARD.
MAY I SIT DOWN? YES, OF COURSE.
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE HUMBLY, DEEPLY AND SINCERELY ABOUT THE FORK.
OH, NO, PLEASE, IT WAS ONLY A TINY BIT DIRTY.
JUST COULDN'T SEE IT.
OH, YOU'RE GOOD, KIND, FINE PEOPLE FOR SAYING THA BUT I CAN SEE IT.
TO ME IT'S LIKE A MOUNTAIN A VAST BOWL OF PUS.
IT'S NOT AS BAD AS THAT.
IT GETS ME HERE.
I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANY EXCUSES FOR IT, THERE ARE NO EXCUSES.
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO SPEND MORE TIME IN THE RESTAURANT RECENTLY BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN TOO WELL AND THINGS AREN' GOING VERY WELL BACK THERE.
THE POOR COOK'S SON HAS BEEN PUT AWAY AGAIN AND POOR OLD MRS.
DALRYMPLE, WHO DOES THE WASHING UP CAN HARDLY MOVE HER POOR FINGERS AND THEN THERE'S GILBERTO'S WAR WOUND.
BUT THEY'RE GOOD PEOPLE AND THEY'RE KIND PEOPLE.
TOGETHER WE WERE BEGINNING TO GET OVER THIS DARK PATCH.
THERE WAS LIGH AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL WHEN THIS WHEN THIS HAPPENED! (sobbing) COULD I GET YOU SOME WATER? IT'S THE END OF THE ROAD! (sobbing) (laughter) YOU BASTARDS! YOU VICIOUS, HEARTLESS BASTARDS! (forcing a carefree laugh) LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO HIM! HE'S WORKED HIS FINGERS TO THE BONE TO MAKE THIS PLACE WHAT IT IS AND YOU COME IN WITH YOUR PETTY, FEEBLE QUIBBLING AND YOU GRIND HIM INTO THE DIRT! THIS FINE, HONORABLE MAN WHOSE BOOTS YOU ARE NOT WORTHY TO KISS! OH, IT MAKES ME MAD.
(laughter) MAD! MAD.
EASY, MUNGO, EASY.
MAD.
MUNGO! OH, THE WAR WOUND! THE WOUND, THE WOUND! IT'S THE END! THEY'VE DESTROYED HIM! THE END! (screaming) HE'S DEAD! THEY KILLED HIM! (bellowing): REVENGE! REVENGE! NO, MUNGO! MUNGO! NEVER KILL A CUSTOMER.
(laughter) OH, THE WOUND, THE WOUND! THE WOUND AGAIN! (shrieking) LUCKY WE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE DIRTY KNIFE.
(audience booing) OH, NO, COME ON, NO! NO, NO, NO, NO! WELL, THERE WE ARE, THEN, THAT WAS THE RESTAURANT SKETCH.
NICE LITTLE NUMBER, BIT VICIOUS IN PARTS, BUT A LOT OF FUN.
BUT HOW ABOU THAT PUNCH LINE, EH? OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? OH, REALLY.
(laughter) (laughter) Man: TIRED OF THAT DRAB, BORING LIFE YOU LEAD? THEN PURCHASE A PAST.
YES, THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE HAVE LED FAR MORE INTERESTING LIVES THAN YOU WILL EVER LEAD.
("Orpheus in Hades" plays) (pig grunting) (car horn honks) (crash) (whistle blowing) (pig grunts) (whistle blowing urgently) (music box playing happy tune) (splash) (woman grunting) (raspberry) THEY UNDOUBTEDLY CONTINUE TO LEAD INTERESTING LIVES WHEREAS YOU JUST AS ASSUREDLY WILL NOT.
BITS OF THEIR LIVES ARE BEING MADE AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE.
FOR ONLY 15 SHILLINGS DULLARDS LIKE YOURSELF CAN OBTAIN BEAUTIFULLY FRAMED PHOTOGRAPHS OF OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES.
HANG THEM IN YOUR DEN.
STAND THEM ON YOUR DESK OR NEXT TO YOUR BED.
PRETEND THEY ARE PICTURES FROM YOUR PAST.
(romantic music playing) (knock at door) HELLO, I'M UNCLE FRANK AND FAMILY.
MIND IF WE STAY A COUPLE OF NIGHTS? OR A MONTH? OR THREE YEARS? HELLO, WE'RE UNCLE GEORGE AND AGNES.
WHERE'S THE BATHROOM? (all talking at once) Man: SHUT UP! OH, SHUT UP! All: OH, SORRY.
Man: NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
(whistling cheerfully) (romantic music playing) (laughter) (laughter) (laughter) (laughter) GOOD EVENING.
HERE IS THE 6:00 NEWS READ BY MICHAEL QUEEN.
IT'S BEEN A QUIET DAY OVER MOST OF THE COUNTRY AS PEOPLE WENT BACK TO WORK AFTER THE WARMEST JULY WEEKEND FOR NEARLY A YEAR.
(laughter) THE ONLY HIGH SPOT OF THE WEEKEND WAS THE MEETING BETWEEN OFFICIALS OF THE N.
E.
D.
C.
AND THE O.
D.
C.
N.
IN BRADFORD TODAY.
(banging) MR.
TED JOHNSON OF THE N.
E.
D.
C (banging obscures newscast) (gunfire) (laughter) IN GENEVA, OFFICIALS OF THE CENTRAL CLEARING BANKS MET WITH HERR VOLESCHTAD OF POLAND TO DISCUSS NON-RETURNABLE LOANS ON A 12-YEAR TRUST BASIS FOR THE CONSTRUCTION OF A NEW ZINC-TREATING WORKS IN THE OMSK AREA OF KRAKOW, NEAR THE BULESTAN BORDER.
THE BOARD OF TRADE HAS RATIFIED A TRADE AGREEMEN WITH THE SOVIET UNION FOR THE SALE OF 600 LOW-GEAR ELECTRIC SEWING MACHINES.
THE PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE SAID HE HOPED THIS WOULD MARK A NEW ERA OF EXPANSION IN WORLD TRADE AND A NEW SPIRIT OF COOPERATION BETWEEN EAST AND WEST.
THERE HAS BEEN A SUBSTANTIAL DROP IN GOLD RESERVES DURING THE LAST 12 MONTHS.
THIS FOLLOWS A STATEMEN BY THE TREASURY TO THE EFFECT THAT THE BALANCE OF IMPORTS SITUATION HAD NOT CHANGED DRAMATICALLY OVER THE SAME PERIOD.
STILL NO NEWS OF THE NATIONAL SAVINGS BOOK LOST BY MR.
CHARLES GRIFFITHS OF PORTHCAWL DURING A FIELD EXPEDITION TO THE NATURE RESERVES OF SWANSEA LAST JULY.
MR.
GRIFFITHS' WIFE SAID THAT HER HUSBAND WAS REFUSING TO TALK TO THE PRESS UNTIL THE SAVINGS CERTIFICATE HAD BEEN FOUND.
IN CORNWALL, THE DEATH HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED TODAY OF THE FORMER MINISTER WITHOUT PORTFOLIO GENERAL SIR HUGH MARKSBY-SMITH.
SIR HUGH WAS VICE-PRESIDEN OF THE ROTARIAN MOVEMENT.
IN THE MATCH BETWEEN GLAMORGAN AND YORKSHIRE THE YORKSHIRE BOWLER NICHOLSON TOOK EIGHT WICKETS FOR THREE RUNS.
GLAMORGAN WERE ALL OUT FOR 36 AND THEREFORE WON THE MATCH BY AN INNINGS AND SEVEN RUNS.
WEATHER FOR TOMORROW WILL BE CLOUDY WITH OCCASIONAL OUTBREAKS OF RAIN.
THAT IS THE END OF THE (laughter, applause) THE LARCH.
THE HORSE CHESTNUT.
(cheering) ERIC, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD RECOGNIZE A LARCH TREE? (laughter) I DON'T KNOW.
(laughter) WHAT'S YOUR NAME? MICHAEL.
(laughter) MICHAEL, DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT A LARCH TREE LOOKS LIKE? I WAN TO GO HOME.
(laughter) BOTTOM.
ARE THERE ANY OTHER TREES THAT ANY OF YOU THINK YOU COULD RECOGNIZE FROM QUITE A LONG WAY AWAY? (mumbling): I WANT SKETCH OF ERIC'S, PLEASE.
WHAT? I WANT TO SEE A SKETCH OF ERIC'S "NUDGE, NUDGE.
" A WHAT? SKETCH? ERIC'S WRITTEN A I'VE WRITTEN A SKETCH.
"NUDGE, NUDGE," ERIC'S WRITTEN.
"NUDGE, NUDGE.
" "NUDGE, NUDGE.
" IS YOUR WIFE A A GOER, EH? KNOW WHAT I MEAN, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NUDGE, NUDGE, NUDGE, NUDGE.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SAY NO MORE, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I BEG YOUR PARDON? YOUR WIFE DOES SHE, UH DOES SHE GO, EH, EH, EH? KNOW WHAT I MEAN, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NUDGE, NUDGE, SAY NO MORE? WELL, SHE SOMETIMES GOES, YES.
I'LL BET SHE DOES, I'LL BET SHE DOES I'LL BET SHE DOES.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NUDGE, NUDGE? I'M SORRY I DON'T QUITE FOLLOW YOU.
FOLLOW ME, FOLLOW ME! I LIKE THAT, THAT'S GOOD.
A NOD'S AS GOOD AS A WINK TO A BLIND BAT, EH? ARE YOU TRYING TO SELL SOMETHING? SELLING, SELLING, VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.
OH, WICKED, WICKED, YOU'RE WICKED, EH? KNOW WHAT I MEAN, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NUDGE, NUDGE? KNOW WHAT I MEAN, NUDGE, NUDGE? NUDGE, NUDGE? SAY NO MORE! AH! OOH! YOUR WIFE, IS SHE, UH IS SHE A SPORT, EH? WELL, YES, SHE LIKES SPORT, YES.
I'LL BET SHE DOES, I'LL BET SHE DOES.
SHE'S VERY FOND OF CRICKE AS A MATTER OF FACT.
WHO ISN'T, EH? KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKES GAMES, LIKES GAMES? KNEW SHE WOULD, KNEW SHE WOULD, KNEW SHE WOULD.
SHE'S BEEN AROUND, EH? BEEN AROUND.
SHE'S TRAVELED.
SHE'S FROM PURLEY.
OH, OH, SAY NO MORE, SAY NO MORE! SAY NO MORE, PURLEY! SAY NO MORE, PURLEY, EH? KNOW WHAT I MEAN, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SAY NO MORE.
YOUR WIFE INTERESTED IN (clicks his tongue) PHOTOGRAPHS, EH? KNOW WHAT I MEAN? "PHOTOGRAPHS?" HE ASKED HIM KNOWINGLY.
PHOTOGRAPHY? YES, NUDGE, NUDGE, SNAP, SNAP GRIN, GRIN, WINK, WINK SAY NO MORE.
HOLIDAY SNAPS? COULD BE, COULD BE TAKEN ON A HOLIDAY COULD BE, YES.
SWIMMING COSTUMES, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? CANDID PHOTOGRAPHY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NUDGE, NUDGE.
NO, NO, WE DON' HAVE A CAMERA.
AH.
STILL WHOA! HEY? WHOA! HEY? LOOK, ARE YOU INSINUATING SOMETHING? OH, OH YES.
WELL? WELL, I MEAN YOU ARE A MAN OF THE WORLD, AREN'T YOU? I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN THERE, HAVEN'T YOU? I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN AROUND, EH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, I MEAN, LIKE YOU'VE DONE IT.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU'VE SLEPT WITH A LADY.
YES.
WHAT'S IT LIKE? (snorts) U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation.]
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) (lions roaring) (cries out) (cries out) Man: THE LARCH.
(laughter and applause)