Moonshine (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
RHIAN: Previously on "Moonshine."
The Moonshine is mine.
43 percent mine.
You lost your right to
this place when you left.
Maybe you and Rhian
should just have it out,
- once and for all.
- (FIGHTING GRUNT)
Finley-Cullens are going down.
You know where to find me at.
- Is it serious? Oh!
- Married.
I'm sleeping with your husband.
This is all your fault.
- (GOAT CHOMPS FINGER)
- Whaaaa!
♪♪♪
(WAVES LAP)
RHIAN: Do-do-do-do-do ♪
(SINGING HAPPILY) Ah!
(PAN CLATTERS)
(PLATES CLANG)
Whoops, can't forget the syrup!
(PLATES THUD LIGHTLY)
- (FRIDGE DOOR SLAMS)
- You okay?
Why wouldn't I be?
Well, we haven't talked about
What? Lidia prison raping my future,
Or the psycho goat that ate my finger?
Or that you've been banging my sister,
Like a pop machine
that stole your toonie?
It's just that, I've been
reading up on our situation.
"Affair, don't despair",
Has a list of do's and don'ts
For an amicable dissolution
of a marriage.
Oh, Ter, there's no
do's or don't-do's.
We're done.
Done, like we're, we're done.
Like dinner. I mean, breakfast.
Oops! Wrong plate. (PLATES CLATTER)
I should go.
Septic truck was stolen
off of route 3.
What kind of sicko
jacks a septic truck?
I'll pack this up for you.
(FOOTSTEPS THUD)
♪♪♪
Have a good day.
Happiness is a choice.
(FOOTSTEPS THUD)
(DOOR CREAKS CLOSED)
(LID RATTLES, COFFEE SPLASHES)
(GRAVEL CRUNCHES UNDERFOOT)
(RAPPING ON WINDOW, KEYS THUD)
(KEYS JINGLE)
(DOOR CREAKS, SEWAGE SPLOSHES)
(GROSSED OUT) Ahhhh!
(COUGHING)
♪♪♪
(GAGGING)
It's my life, it's my life ♪
It's my life, my life ♪
It's my life, it's my life ♪
It's my life, my life ♪
LIDIA: Okay, Moonshine 2.0.
I've laid out a three-tiered plan.
Step one, maintenance,
update, and refresh.
Sounds like a spa date for grandma.
- (SQUEALS)
- STEP TWO: Marketing.
Now, word of mouth
is our bread and butter,
- But we need more.
- Maybe we can take it online.
Oh, sure, let the campers
see what they're not getting,
Instead of complaining
when they get here.
See, we can design a digital strategy
to help build brand
recognition revenue
so we can eventually afford
Step three!
(GIGGLES HAPPILY, SIGHS)
So, what do you think?
It's really somethin'.
Yeah. You said it.
I get it, I get it.
You're thinking, how are we gonna pay
for this grand project?
We aren't paying. The bank is.
You spoke to the bank about this?
Yeah, I'm meeting the manager today.
If we use our combined
revenue to secure
a small business loan for phase one,
And then, after the increased revenue,
we finance a world-class build.
Does Foxton do world-class?
Best part?
You don't have to do a thing.
I will handle it all.
(SEAGULLS CRY IN THE DISTANCE)
Except
- Spit it out.
- Rhian. (CLEARS HER THROAT)
I'm just uh, I'm just uh
Oh, good lord. You're scared of Rhian.
Everybody's scared of Rhian.
No! No, not me.
No, we're in a great place, yeah.
She's just adjusting to me
being here.
She wants me gone. Permanently.
You know what? Forget it.
This is so silly. We're adults,
We will work this out ourselves.
(BOOK RUSTLES)
All under control.
(HAPPY EXHALE)
(RECEDING FOOTSTEPS THUD)
Well, that was pretty impressive.
- (FOOTSTEPS THUD)
- (SCOFFS)
But it-it's nice
she's taking an interest.
Look, I just don't want Lidia
Getting all fired up about this.
We both know she can't go to the bank.
Good lord! As if.
- And Rhian?
- Oh, she'll be fine.
Just like when she was a baby
- (DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
- colicky.
(DOOR SLAMS)
So, you're saying I'm right
about the Moonshine
being a cover for
a smuggling operation.
Listen, I got an anonymous tip
that might corroborate the idea
That there's been
smuggling in the area, Colin.
If you're right, emphasis on 'if, '
then maybe we can get out
of this hell-hole department
by bringing the big case on our own.
Right, well, while
we're discussing protocol,
hypothetically speaking, of course,
w-what are the ethics of having
a romantic relationship
with a suspect?
What's-her-name with nine fingers?
Colin, do not stick
your dick in crazy.
What? No, god, no.
I was just wondering.
It's a no-no. It mucks up the case.
- How so?
- (SCOFFS)
Well, say someone were
to acquaint themselves
doggy-style to a perp
they pick up at some
third-rate tiki bar in Niagara Falls?
Now, the guy might claim entrapment.
Sure, you vow never to do it again.
Next thing you know,
you are balls deep in a pile
of Bolivian happy powder
While some Calgary rodeo clown
gets what's good.
So, to summarize?
Pro tip, rookie: Don't do it.
Big mistake.
Big, glorious,
multi-orgasm mistake.
Got it.
("RUN TO YOU" BY BRYAN ADAMS PLAYS)
'Cause when the feeling's right ♪
I'm gonna run all night ♪
I'm gonna run to you ♪
Okay, so, I talked to the
landlord about the apartment
and also about his pit bull, Clara.
She was weaned too soon, so
the place smells like pee now,
but that is okay
because he said he'd knock
A few bucks off the security
deposit, which is awesome
because it means The place is ours!
As soon as pony up! Ah, ha!
Oh, my god, Ryan, come on!
We need to figure this out!
Listen, listen, okay.
I know that you're not,
like, one of those guys,
you know, with drivers' licences,
And suits,
And bank jobs, and names like Barry.
No, I unclog toilets all week.
Yeah, like a boss, you do!
You are great at that!
But we have to find ways
other than just plumbing
and sweeping, to monetize
And reach our full potential.
Remember that asshole, Johnny D.?
Yeah, he had cornrows at prom, right?
Yeah. He thought he was cool as shit.
Everybody thought he was a loser.
Losers don't know they're losers.
That's how come they
keep being losers.
What if I'm
Baby, will you still love me
if we didn't get that apartment?
♪♪♪
Now, that's not gonna happen.
It's not gonna happen.
My vision board says so.
My vision board says so!
(DOOR SHUTS, LIGHTER CLANGS)
("RUN TO YOU" BY BRYAN ADAMS PLAYS)
(LIGHT SNORING)
- (RAPPING ON WINDOW)
- (GASPS) oh!
Oh, I'm gonna run to you ♪
You have two minutes and six seconds
before Bryan Adams
stops whining. What's up?
We need to talk.
Oh, it is too early for vague, Lidia.
The situation with Terry. Rhian
No. No way, this conversation
is not happening.
My situation,
I've got it under control.
- It will blow over.
- I don't
Also, don't pretend you're
here out of sisterly concern.
(SIGHS) I came here out
of self-preservation, okay?
- Okay.
- You know when Rhian used
to freak out when we were younger?
You mean, like, set fire
to the ice castle
at winter formal because someone wore
the same bubble dress as her?
What's your point?
I pitched the Moonshine reboot,
and mom and dad didn't shut me down.
Oh, you're the ice castle.
When Rhian finds out about my plans
Hmm, you're being paranoid.
- She's on the warpath.
- Relax.
I am the adultery canary
in a vengeance coalmine.
And until she comes for my ass,
you are in the clear!
- Hey? Problem solved.
- Mm-hmm.
And I'm gonna run to you ♪
- What?
- (DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
What?
♪♪♪
Winter is coming.
(CAR RUMBLES, HONKS)
Curse your shitty, domestic car!
Wanna do whatever, yeah ♪
Lemme get high, lemme get low ♪
Take my time to put on a show ♪
I'm lovin' you undercover ♪
Need a lift?
No, you don't even have a CD player.
- Got a tape deck.
- You have a time machine
so I can go back to
whenever tapes existed?
Hey, don't disrespect Beulah.
She's seen some miles.
I drove her up here from LA in '82.
- 1882?
- Jump in, girl,
Your mom wants you home.
Dumpy campground isn't my home.
Come on, Bruce, just
tell her you never saw me.
- 50 bucks.
- Huh, she paid me $75.
(EXASPERATED EXHALE)
I've seen men suffer ♪
(TIRES SQUEAL)
Concocting potion ♪
with a devil's dance ♪
(PAPERS RUSTLE)
(SIGHS)
♪♪♪
(ITEMS CLATTER)
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
- Big date?
- (DOOR CLOSES)
Hmm?
You know you're only
wearing one shoe, right?
Oh, bank meeting.
Apparently, in addition
to my missing shoe,
I also need proof I own
shares in this place.
We have Felicia's will.
Turns out, she could've willed me
a fireman with an eight-pack.
Doesn't mean he exists.
I need a copy of a
shareholder's agreement,
- A deed, something.
- Have you asked mom and dad?
No way.
Told them you had things under control
And don't want to admit you don't?
- Or Rhian wants you dead.
- She's out for blood,
and I'm afraid I'm next.
- (SCOFFS) is that
- Hm?
(GASPS) my shoe!
Handcrafted in Milan.
Worth more than a human child.
Huh.
- (GRAVEL CRUNCHES)
- (ENGINE CUTS OUT)
Ugh! Is that shit?
I've been thinking sewage.
Stops me from puking in my mask.
Well, Rhian got me, too.
Graffitied a King-Kong-sized
- Vagina at the station, so
- I'm pretty sure King Kong
was the dude with a thing for blondes.
As much as I'd love to sit here
and discuss fictional
primate genitalia,
I'm gonna need ya to sack up
and go and arrest your wife, Terry.
- Rhian's going through a lot.
- Yeah, I know. I get it.
She's hurt, and angry.
Doesn't excuse the fact
that she has become
a one-woman terrorist organization.
It's gonna take her awhile
to come to terms
with our relationship, okay.
We don't have a relationship.
We have sex.
Nora, things are out in the open now.
We can be together.
- Dating, boyfriend, girlfriend.
- Uh
- You've heard of that, right?
- Terry, no, we're not,
this is, we're not dating, okay.
We're not going steady. I don't
want you to ask me to the dance.
This whole thing was a mistake.
- You wanna break up?
- We're not breaking up,
because there's nothing to break.
You can't end something
that never started.
Okay, okay. Then this is our start.
Wednesday, 11:06 A.M..
You and me are now us.
Here, now,
And hopefully, forever.
Oh god. I gotta go.
(ENGINE STARTS, GRAVEL CRUNCHES)
- (PASSING CAR HORN BLARES)
- (TIRES SCREECH)
Asshole!
(SHARP EXHALES)
Oh, good! Good, good, good.
I need to talk to you.
Same! Wow, Finley-Cullen voodoo.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Ha!
Speaking of, has Rhian
said anything to you lately?
Yeah, she called me stupid.
Twice. Today.
You don't recover from some hurts.
Uh, about the Moonshine.
Revenge plots.
Anything that might get in the
way of my plans for this place.
That's right!
You are the planning one of this fam.
Goal-orientated, ambitious.
Making it happen with the
intensity of Charles Manson
- or Céline Dion!
- Thanks?
That's why I wanted
to talk to you, Lids.
I get this vibe from Crystal,
That she might dump me if I
don't get my shit together.
I need to make money.
You wanna get your life together?
You can't do it for someone else,
You gotta work it out for yourself.
(PLAYFUL LAUGHTER IN THE DISTANCE)
- Can I get a hint?
- Ryan! God!
You really want my honest opinion?
Truth is the mother of change.
Finish high school. Get a haircut.
Go to AA.
♪♪♪
That's it!
You're a genius, Lids! Namaste!
♪♪♪
- (DOOR SLAMS)
- ooh!
- Jumpy, much?
- (FOOTSTEPS THUD)
♪♪♪
NORA: Well, the rumour mill's
working overtime,
thanks to the giant tribute
to Yoni, at the studio.
And I get it. But you know
what really chaps my ass?
None of you know the real
story, and you're judging.
Well, guess what,
open book time, bitches!
That's right! Gimme a call.
We can talk about the truth,
then, judge away!
Careful though, she who casts
the first stone
Wow, lot of curious cats
and eager beavers out there.
Caller, you're on the air.
Don't beat around my bush.
WOMAN: Are you sleeping
with my husband, too?
No, Kate, I'm not.
But, you might wanna have
a chat with Mr. Parker,
The middle school phys-ed
teacher about the rubby
he gave your hubby!
- What are you talking
- Keep those calls comin',
like you're Mr. Parker, y'all!
The truth is on tap
and it is happy hour all day long.
♪♪♪
Gotta work it out ♪
Gonna work it out,
gonna work it out ♪
Gonna work it out ♪
♪♪♪
- Sick uniform.
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
Post that, and I sue.
Hey, that's no way to talk
to a customer, come on.
- (KETCHUP SPLATTERS)
- Oh!
Are you kidding me?
What is wrong with you?
Yo, can you hook me up
with some fries, or like
Probably.
So, why are you working here
if you hate it so much?
Mom sentenced me to hard
labour after I tried to runaway.
Whatever. Just means I can save up
to pay for a ticket back to New York.
You're making minimum wage,
minus taxes,
Plus the fact that no one
ever gets paid around here,
Means that you'll have
enough for a bus ticket
- In like, 20 years.
- (CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)
- (KETCHUP SPLATTERS)
- oh!
Oh, well, this is fun.
Have a kick-ass day doing nothing,
- While I get grease acne.
- Okay!
(UPSET EXHALE)
I'm gonna dip. Later, man!
Hey, I, I thought we were gonna hang.
Yeah, I'm gonna go to
the beach with some friends.
Yeah, that sounds cool.
Kind of like a me and them thing.
Oh, yeah. No, I wasn't
inviting myself.
- Cool.
- I-I was gonna
I probably shouldn't say.
Hey, come on.
- Magic mushrooms.
- You have shrooms?
Well, found my uncle's shroom shack.
That's sick! Are you gonna
show me, or what?
Well I don't know.
Hey, you can trust me, come on.
♪♪♪
LIDIA: Jill, hey!
You in the market for some art?
Oh, yeah, not just yet.
Felicia's trailer
is a design challenge.
Boho-chic-spinster.
- You mean it's a dump.
- It is.
I have to go through
her mountain of journals
To find paperwork for the Moonshine.
I didn't know you kept
all her old junk.
Felt wrong to throw it all out.
Mostly just old lotto tickets
and porn.
At least, I think it's porn.
I'd be happy to go
through it with ya, hun.
Really? Yes! Yes, thank you!
- That would be amazing.
- Okay.
- Okay, I'll call you.
- Okay.
Um, could you maybe not
tell my mother?
Trying to keep a whole
I've got things under control,
- so relax, vibe.
- Yeah, secret's safe with me.
Thank you.
(FOOTSTEPS RUSTLE IN GRASS)
She's digging around.
She's looking for records.
There is nothing
to be concerned about.
She kept Felicia's journals.
This is not her screwing around
with your goat festival, Bea.
♪♪♪
My daughter. My problem.
Have a lovely afternoon.
♪♪♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Hey, man. Fills my heart
to see ya here.
You guys, uh, AA-ing it up in there?
- Steps, and stuff?
- You bet! Come on in!
Oh, no, I'm not really a
surrender to higher power guy.
Also, could you let your
tribe of truth know
I got mushrooms for sale.
Organic, home-grown, limited batch,
Psilocybin awesome.
- You here to sell drugs?
- Mushrooms!
My one-way path to sobriety!
See, when I'm super high,
I don't even think about booze.
That's the magic!
Ryan, you get that
I can't have you out here
Selling shrooms, right?
- We'll let the people decide.
- Not happening.
Why don't you come on in?
♪♪♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Uh, I'm not gonna lie to you,
Those donuts are callin' my name,
And I'm the mayor of munchie
town, right now.
Ah, donuts on me, cuz!
Namaste, brother.
Keep doin' you. Sprinkles!
- Hmm.
- Now we're talkin'!
♪♪♪
(BIKE RATTLES)
(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS THUD)
Don't worry, Eleanor
and Finn are okay!
Wait, what do you mean, okay?
Oh, my god!
(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
(PANTS HEAVILY)
No, no, no!
(FIRE CRACKLES AND ROARS)
(SINISTER MUSIC)
♪♪♪
- (FIRE EXTINGUISHER WHOOSHES)
- Rhian!
Arson, maybe.
LIDIA: (GASPS)
- Rhian.
- We don't know that.
Yeah, sewage and graffiti
is one thing, but this?
She was wearing these exact
same gardening gloves all day.
I bet there's a whole supply
shed full of those things.
Rhian knew I was searching
for proof of my inheritance,
And Aunt Felicia's journals
just happened to get destroyed?
No. No. I demand a full investigation.
It's a bit of burnt paper.
You're being dramatic.
Arson brings that out in me!
I'm quirky like that.
Rhian is a lot of something,
but she's not a criminal.
Oh, she'd never do something
crazy like
Pump a cop car full of raw sewage,
Or spray paint a massive cooch
on the side of a building!
You two have got to stop bickering!
You're seriously not
gonna do anything?
Right. This is on us.
We're terrible parents. Pile it on.
I'm out, okay? You guys settle this.
I'm gonna go find my children
before she sells them for parts.
(GRASS RUSTLES UNDERFOOT)
(SIGHS) this was an accident.
We don't know that.
This was an accident.
Private property.
- Private problem.
- Bea
You've been playing games
with my daughters, Terry.
♪♪♪
(ITEMS RATTLE)
You're gonna give me this one.
♪♪♪
- (GRASS RUSTLES UNDERFOOT)
- (BEA EXHALES)
(BIRDS CHIRP, FROGS CROAK)
(FOLIAGE RUSTLES)
(BRANCH SNAPS)
I'm armed and dangerous!
- Huh.
- Oh.
What are the odds we'd bump
into each other out here?
Pretty good, actually.
You've been following me
all day, which is annoying!
(BIRDS CHIRP)
Look, what happened between us,
our little, you know,
- interlude, can't happen again.
- Okay.
That's it?
No pleading?
No passionate indignation?
You're a real boy scout, huh?
I was actually.
I'm the only one at the jamboree
To get the nut culture badge.
It's a real thing.
You have to grow nuts in the wild.
I'm a lawyer.
Interesting.
I'm in the market for a lawyer.
Any experience contesting wills?
Oh, yeah. Family law was my jam.
I had to leave that
all behind, though,
So I might be a bit rusty.
Got burned-out,
needed some time away, so,
that's why I'm here at the Moonshine.
(LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE)
Did you hear that?
Indiscriminate campers.
They think they can squat for free.
I hate them with the
passion of a thousand hells.
No, no, no, rules are meant
to be followed, not broken.
Yes!
Well, if you're gonna be out
here, you know,
Tromping around, you might
as well come along.
Sweet!
One-time deal. Strictly professional.
You touch me, I end you.
♪♪♪
(FOLIAGE CRUNCHES UNDERFOOT)
- (DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
- whoa!
There's gotta be like,
500 pounds or something
in here, man.
- Yeah, pretty cool, eh?
- Yeah!
Man, we're gonna get sea god high!
You don't know much
about shrooms, do you?
You have to let them dry out
first. They're not ready.
Hmm. Too bad.
Be fun to trip with you.
♪♪♪
- I like it here.
- Me too.
Except for like,
the sheep shit and the dust.
- (TAPS)
- yeah, it's gross.
- Hey, we should go.
- Beach?
- Yeah, it's sounds fun.
- Sweet.
(PAPERS RUSTLE)
Oh, look! The arsonist.
(DOOR CREAKS AND CLOSES)
What are you doing?
Oh, just catching up on my
"go rot in hell, Lidia."
Campers aren't allowed in the office.
Oscar is my attorney.
I don't practice much anymore.
But have been retained by your sister,
- to assist in the matter.
- You got served!
You don't even know what that means.
My client intends
to contest your will.
Secret plan that, bitch.
Your client is going to jail for arson.
You don't actually think
I started that fire.
Yes, I actually think
you started that fire.
If I had,
I would've finished the job.
See? A threat!
You've hated me since we were kids.
Resented me, envied me,
wanted me gone.
Well, guess what, sister,
there's a new sheriff in town,
And she may not have had
her roots coloured in weeks,
But that just makes her meaner!
You are going down!
Oscar, would you please
instruct my so-called sister
to direct any future
disrespect to my attorney?
Shut your pro bono.
This is between me and her.
- Bring it!
- Already brought!
- (FLIP-FLOP SMACKS LOUDLY)
- You were warned!
(SCOFFS) You can't be serious.
Act like asshole kids,
get treated like asshole kids.
The "flip-flop of truth"
will settle this.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
♪♪♪
You showed up to this bucket of crazy?
Never miss 'em.
Especially when it's Rhian.
- Primo content. Popcorn?
- No.
- Feelin' better, babe?
- Yeah! Totally!
I got a plan for the shrooms.
Practically sellin' themselves.
Good, I knew you could do it!
I don't get it.
Old Finley-Cullen judiciary system.
Crunchy granola way to resolve fights.
What's with the flip-flop?
So, each rival party
has a minute to explain
to the flip-flop,
why they deserve an apology.
Right.
So, the family anonymously
votes the winner.
So, once the flip-flop has spoken
and the apology has been tendered,
the conflict may never
be mentioned again.
Ah! Makes sense.
(SIGHS) we are gathered here,
Torn by conflict. (STRUMS A SLOW TUNE)
To hear the tragic
tale of Lenny Rogers.
♪♪♪
"Lenny Rogers was a hippie.
And a friend to all, it's true.
Until that night he had
a spat with a pal,
by the name of Blue.
And on that dark and forlorn night,
that little spat, it grew.
Insults were thrown,
and then a fist or two.
When it was done, Lenny left,
hate in his heart and dreams, askew.
The fog rolled in and Lenny took off
in flip-flops and an old canoe.
That was the last anyone saw of Len.
(STRUMMING STOPS)
Except for this one shoe.
(TUNE BEGINS AGAIN)
So, today, we heed this tale
For what Lenny taught is true:
You bury the hatchet
with those you love,
or fate will bury you."
(STRUMS FINAL NOTES)
- (LIGHT APPLAUSE)
- no.
Lidia stole my legacy.
When she abandoned us, in 1998,
she swore she would never come back.
Plus, she doesn't own squat.
No shareholder's agreement,
no inheritance.
'Cause you burned it to the ground!
- No, I didn't.
- Uh, P.S., this is crazy.
Adults don't settle criminal charges
- by talking to a flip-flop!
- (GONG RINGS)
No flip-flop, no talking.
In the name of Lenny.
ALL: In Lenny's name.
- Len-ny! Len-ny!
- Stop it!
- This is serious!
- So is mental illness.
- And those shorts! Cuffs!
- No bueno.
I am the holder of the flip-flop! Me!
So, shut up! Both of you!
Anyways, I was saying,
it's no secret to
anyone that Lidia sucks.
She turned Goddess Fest,
and my life, to shit,
and now we're more broke than usual.
She doesn't know
how hard I have worked
all of these years.
Bloody finger, sweat, and tears.
That's what keeps
the Moonshine afloat.
(EMOTIONAL EXHALE)
Not her stupid New York ideas.
Lidia should apologize.
More importantly, she should leave.
♪♪♪
- (CHAIR CRINKLES)
- oh.
Good, tough stuff, but you know.
Here we go! What you got?
Yes, I swore I would never
come back to the Moonshine.
Nora vowed she'd marry Kurt
Cobain and start a punk band.
Oh, and Ryan wanted
to be Prime Minister.
(GASPS) Oh, my god,
I can totally see that!
You are way hotter than Trudeau.
- Rhian shouldn't apologize.
- Nope.
You all should, to me.
I sacrificed everything to be here.
Oh, come on, Lids! Get off the cross!
You've been here a few weeks,
what did you sacrifice,
Soul cycle pass? Mani-pedis?
You do not have the flip-flop,
I have the flip-flop!
Rhian is angry.
Okay, yeah, I get that.
But you can't excuse
her psycho behaviour.
You're enablers.
Okay, fine, I get that, too.
You can't fight genetics.
But how come someone can't
enable me, for once?
I mean, I'm trying
to save the Moonshine,
and I can't even have two shoes!
After what I'm trying to do,
- I deserve my mani-pedi, damnit!
- (BANGS GONG)
Okay, we've heard Rhian's flip,
and Lidia's flop.
Now is the time to vote on the truth.
Apologize and bury this
conflict forever.
(PAIL CLANGS)
That was quick.
Uh, sorry, family only.
- Suck my dick, Rhian.
- (NORA LAUGHS)
- RHIAN: Girlfriend's a pig.
- RYAN: (LAUGHS)
(PAPERS RUSTLE, PAIL CLANGS)
Okay.
As it is written,
So shall it be.
- Rhian wins.
- Oh! Oh!
Lidia, apologize.
What?! That's bullshit!
Flip-flop has spoken!
I won. You have to.
No, actually, I don't.
- I invoke oars!
- Oh!
- What?!
- ALL: Okay! Yes!
(LAUGHING)
- Yes!
- Okay!
When's the last time that's happened?
♪♪♪
(WAVES LAP)
(SEAGULLS CRY)
(READYING EXHALE)
So, invoking oars is like a veto?
More like, sudden death.
You win the boat race,
the other person has to apologize,
Unless they declare cheese heads.
- Cheese heads?
- Yeah, I'm kidding.
It ends with this.
Uh, you can only invoke oars
once in a lifetime.
In Finley-Cullen land, this
is actually a very big deal.
(WATER RIPPLES)
Lookin' a little rusty, over there.
When I beat you,
I'm gonna rip your head off
and put it on the front of my boat.
Get ready to drown, nine fingers!
Let's go, ladies!
(BANGS GONG)
("BARRACUDA" BY HEART PLAYS)
(CHEERING ON) come on!
♪♪♪
- Ooh!
- (GROANS)
Come on, Lids, give it to her!
♪♪♪
- Lidia, yeah!
- No, no, no, damnit!
- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Come on!
So this ain't the end,
I saw you again ♪
today ♪
I had to turn my heart away ♪
- Keep going! Come on!
- Do you see that?
Smiled like the sun,
kisses for everyone ♪
- (CHEERING CONTINUES)
- ow!
It tails, it never fades ♪
(MUSIC SLOWS AND FADES)
(WATER SPLASHES)
All right, halfway there!
♪♪♪
(OARS SPLASH IN WATER)
(OAR SPLASHES IN WATER)
What is happening? Get the thing!
("BARRACUDA" INTENSIFIES)
(CHEERING)
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
Let's do it!
- Almost there! Almost there!
- Yeah.
Come on, guys!
Wooooooo!
There is it!
I am the winner! Woo! Suck it!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, what's up with the line?
Bro, you see that hot
chick at the counter?
That's my sister.
Well, if you ask your hot
sister for extra tartar sauce,
And slip her $10,
You get a gram of shrooms
with your order.
- Gimme one second.
- Michael!
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- why is the line so long?
This is big money.
You said that you wouldn't
tell anyone, Michael.
Chill. We've already made like $500.
We'll cut you in.
What do you think's gonna
happen when Uncle Ryan finds out?
He's fried all the time.
He's not gonna notice.
What does this have to do with him?
(GRUNTS, DOOR SLAMS)
- Michael!
- What?
You told me those were your shrooms.
Yeah, they were, once I took 'em.
- Just get out of here.
- Oh.
- Go!
- Fine!
(STRESSED EXHALE)
♪♪♪
Oh, what's comin' in?
(FOOTSTEPS THUD)
- I'm sorry, Rhian.
- Hmm.
- I didn't mean what I said.
- Mm-hmm.
(SIGHS)
You know what?
Actually, I did mean it.
Especially the part about
making this place special again.
For all of us.
I want my kids to be able to
come here when they're adults,
and bring their kids.
I want them to be proud
of what we've built.
(FOOTSTEPS THUD)
(DOCK CREAKS)
(WAVES LAP)
I was always better at water sports.
Did you see her stroke?
I think one arm is
shorter than the other.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
(WAVES RIPPLE)
I don't mean to desecrate
your victory,
but I know how much you
appreciate following the rules,
doing the right thing.
Spit it out.
Lidia threw the race.
I saw.
She dropped her oar on purpose.
She-she let you win.
(WAVES LAP)
- She thinks I need her pity?
- (LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
Damn her, and her perfect nose.
(GASPS)
I had to tell you the truth.
This is why I don't trust anyone.
I'm not just anyone.
(WAVES LAP)
RYAN: (SINGING INDISTINCTLY)
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
(BOXES RATTLE AND THUD)
Whoa.
(ROCK SONG ENDS)
Sorry for the extended
musical interlude, folks.
I had to visit the Moonshine asylum.
My producer tells me
advertisers are pulling out
like golers at a family reunion.
No more calls. Well, the truth hurts!
And like a dominatrix of real,
Nora has spanked you all.
Oh, look at that, one last brave soul.
You've got Nora slinging
honestly and puking truth.
What's your question?
Long-time listener; first-time caller.
I, I didn't expect to hear from you.
Hope you didn't call
to request "creep."
What about "Nothing Compares 2u?"
- Not familiar.
- I caught you singin' it once.
All right, caller, I'll hook you up,
But I'm playing the
Chris Cornell version.
- Thanks for the call.
- Wait.
I want some truth, too.
I can feel myself aging.
Something on your mind, caller?
I need you to know
that I'm not playing games.
And I hope you aren't, either.
I need to know
Do you love me?
(SILENCE)
Well, caller
I'm not sure I can do love.
Not now.
("NOTHING COMPARES 2U"
BY CHRIS CORNELL PLAYS)
Not ever.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
- Why don't I do love?
- Let me tell ya.
Love is like a semi
doing 100 in the wrong Lane,
and you're the blind asshole
hell-bent on playing chicken.
It forces you to put skin in the game,
but it is a sucker's bet.
Love makes you do things
you never would.
End up places you never wanted to be.
♪♪♪
Is it worth it, listener?
(HEADPHONES RATTLE)
♪♪♪
RYAN: Hey um, before you say anything,
I have to tell you something.
I screwed up! We were robbed.
The shroom stash is gone.
But-but that was all that we had!
I-I already told my mom
that we were moving.
And everything. What do I do now?
Go out and find some guy
who crushes life,
Raking in $40,000 a year.
Not some loser, like me.
Is that what you want?
♪♪♪
You know, I I've been out there,
trying to figure out
what I'm here for.
What my life's about. What's my plan?
It's not out there.
It's right here.
You're my plan, Crystal.
- (GRASS RUSTLES)
- oh!
♪♪♪
You are not a loser.
Okay? I don't date losers.
And we'll just um,
we'll just figure out some other way
of getting the apartment, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
(OSCAR'S PHONE BUZZES)
Hey, can't really talk.
MOIRA: I'm assuming you
didn't find anything
and we should book you a flight back.
No, I found something. Something big.
(CLEARS THROAT) Just can't
really get into it right now.
All right, paranoia Pete.
And the sister?
Digitally challenged goat cookie?
- Her name is Rhian.
- Her name is who cares.
You didn't do anything
stupid, did you?
(SCOFFS) No!
Of course not.
I can't talk. I'll call ya later.
♪♪♪
(WAVES LAP)
♪♪♪
(DOOR CREAKS)
Bea, I'm headin' up to bed.
- I'll be in soon.
- Good.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
(GLASS CLINKS)
You know me too well.
Yep. Well, you've had a long day.
- It's not over yet.
- Hmm.
Oh, I figured out what's been goin' on
- with the Oscar guy.
- Who?
The guy, snoopin' around,
asking Ryan questions.
I don't think he's
anything to worry about.
Not for us, at least.
Do tell!
I think he has a crush on Rhian!
(GASPS) Well, well.
Oh, God knows that child
- Needs a bit of sunshine.
- Uh huh!
You think she did it?
It wasn't her.
I mean, Felicia had the
wiring replaced last spring.
Things don't just combust.
No, they don't.
(CRICKETS CHIRP, WAVES LAP)
♪♪♪
It had to be done, Sammy.
I couldn't have Lidia pokin'
around in those journals.
This is not her cross to bear.
Your aunt Felicia knew
about Jill, the smuggling,
and the deal I made with her,
to save this place.
(SIGHS) No, you don't
have to explain anything.
(GLASS CLINKS)
No one got hurt.
It's all good.
Ah, I'm sorry.
I didn't wanna drag you into this.
I know. I wanna help.
I know, Sammy.
(SIGHS) I know.
♪♪♪
Good night. (LIGHT KISS)
Goodnight.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
♪♪♪
(SIGHS)
♪♪♪
♪♪♪