Mork and Mindy (1978) s01e03 Episode Script

Nanu, nanu.
Shazbot.
( opening musical theme plays ) Orson calling Mork.
Orson calling Mork.
Come in, Mork.
Orson? Is that you? Of course it's me.
Who else has your number? Oh.
That's right, I forgot.
I've got unlisted mind.
What's up, great cosmic intruder? It seems the report of your first week on Earth was accidentally destroyed.
Oh, a likely story.
Trying to pull a Nixon on me, eh? I thought all those reports were stored on micro-wire cassette.
They are.
However, your superiors were chewing caramels and used that report to floss their teeth.
Good thing Jimmy Carter wasn't there or we'd have lost the entire file.
Mork Sir.
I want you to activate your Orkan total recall and duplicate your report.
Gotcha.
Lights, camera, action! Mork? Ready when you are, C.
B.
MINDY: Hey, Mork, are you up? Come on, get up.
( singsongy ): Come and get it! I hope you like corn flakes.
Why wouldn't I? Just because I'm from another planet doesn't mean I'm that different.
Trust me, you are different.
( Orkan sounds ) Okay.
Come on, let's have a little breakfast.
May I be of some assistance? Oh, sure, uh I guess you could set the table.
( monotonous hum ) Where would you like me to set it? Hurry up, I'm getting a cramp in my finger.
Just set it back where it was.
( speaking in reverse ) Nice way to build up an appetite.
I'm so hungry I could eat a Flizbit.
Well, today is going to be a big day.
Today we're going to find you a new place to live.
Why can't I go on living with you? Well, because my father is a conservative, puritanical mm Nerd.
That's it.
You got it.
Ah! ( sizzles ) What is this black liquid? This is coffee.
What do you do with it? We have it with our breakfast.
Oh, allow me.
Oh, repulsive.
You know, Mork, the more I think about it, I think that we'd better keep where you come from a secret.
I hate to admit this, but people here on Earth get pretty hassled over anything they don't understand.
Oh.
Why would anyone think I'm weird? We must save two to build a new race.
Swim, you little nimnuls.
I hope the rest can tread coffee.
You know, I still can't get over this.
I'm sitting here having breakfast with a being from another planet.
What a coincidence.
So am I.
You know, there's so much we can learn from each other.
Starting with me teaching you to act human so you don't get into any more trouble.
Oh, yeah, and another thing, I've got to find you a job.
A job? Yeah, work, you know, like I work at the music store with my dad and my grandma.
Oh, I was sent to observe Earth and report back everything to Orson on Ork.
That's my job.
No, I mean like a job that pays money.
Oh.
You do understand the concept of money, don't you? Mindy, I am surprised at you.
I am a member of a highly advanced civilization.
My superiors on Ork thought of everything.
Going down.
Coming up.
I bring with me untold wealth of the Universe.
Wow, this looks heavy.
What's in here? Look.
Oh, oh, careful, my bank's closed.
This is sand.
Yes, it's been in my family for years.
But, Mork, on-on Earth, sand is as common as, uh, dirt.
Well, there goes bag two.
Oh, but I realize my superiors might be nimnuls and I brought along something of unquestioned value throughout the universe.
What? A credit card.
I don't leave home without it.
FRED ( humming ): Um-pum Andante, andante, you butchers.
Andante! Hey, Toscanini, knock it off! Do you know what that looks like from out there? That looks like you're out of your gourd.
Back, back, back! You're blocking the violins.
Get back.
Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp What did you do that for? You interrupted my sforzando.
Now, now, don't get your Brahms in an uproar.
Why do I have to put up with you? After all, it's my store.
Lord, why did you create mothers-in-law? So they can work in the family store and ring up 83% of the sales.
You're wretched.
Go ahead, Freddy, whip me with your words.
Has Mindy come in yet? Mindy? No.
No, she's probably hanging around with that absurd yo-yo.
I'm worried, Cora.
I'm scared to death it could become something serious.
After all, he's already spent the night with her.
Oh, he stayed in her house.
There's a big difference.
But that's the first step towards moving in.
As far I know, he's over there right now.
Well, you could pick up that phone and find out in a second.
Oh, I couldn't do that.
It would be too much like spying, as if I didn't trust her.
No.
I could never bring myself to stoop so low.
Oh, Freddy, you underestimate your potential.
( telephone ringing ) MINDY: Mork, will you answer that? ( telephone ringing ) Ring Ring Ring Please get the telephone.
Oh, phone.
( telephone ringing ) Primitive means of audio communication.
( telephone ringing ) I wonder what it looks like.
Hello.
Hello! ( ringing ) I killed it.
Hello.
Hello.
Yeah, hello? Hello? Hel hel hel Hello! I knew it.
He's there.
Now don't try to stop me, Cora.
Nobody is going to corrupt my daughter until after she's married.
He's such a wiener.
Mork, on Earth, a gentleman always helps a lady on with her coat.
( humming ) Thank you.
Uh, on Earth, a gentleman also lets go of the coat.
Keep your hands off that child.
Daddy, he was just helping me on with my coat.
What are you doing here? Me? What are you doing here? Now, I don't want any stories or any excuses.
I want the plain, unvarnished truth.
I spent the night.
Couldn't you have varnished it just a little? Daddy, it's not like it seems.
The only reason Mork spent the night here last night was because, uh uh Well, I can't tell you that; it's a secret.
Secret? Secrets.
We never had secrets from each other.
Now, I demand to know what's going on between the two of you.
After all, I love you.
Oh, that's nice.
Daddy, I am going to tell you something that you might find hard to believe.
But you've got to promise not to breathe a word of this to anyone.
Okay, okay, I promise.
Mork is from Ork.
It's another planet.
( guffawing ) Mindy, I'm your father.
You can do better than that.
Mork, do something.
Show Daddy you're from Ork.
Watch this, Daddy a little cosmic shtick.
Many bleams ago, we Orkans realized the need to talk while drinking.
Boy, am I thirsty.
I'd like to see a human do that.
( burps ) Look, I-I don't know how you did that, but it's, uh, some kind of trick.
It doesn't prove anything.
Perhaps these color slides from Ork will.
Uh, what's this supposed to be? Frizbot, the capital.
Looks completely black.
It's the inner city.
Look, fella, you can't fool me.
Everybody knows what space creatures look like.
They have huge bald heads.
Not always.
Everybody knows that space creatures are always green.
Oh, you mean the old cliché like this.
( shrieks ) Nauseating, isn't it? It's not easy being green.
You're an alien! You're an alien! ( orkan sound ) Are you on vacation, or did you come down here to snatch a body? No, no, no, no, I didn't mean that.
Daddy, Mork is from a highly advanced civilization.
They did away with violence ages ago.
Not only that.
I like you.
Aw Oh, well, I like you, too, son.
Burn that.
Um, look, would you mind if I talk to my daughter in private? No offense, I mean it's not worth a death ray or anything like that.
Death ray? Oh, humor.
( seal-like laugh ) Right on, Pops.
What it was.
I like Ike.
Just gonna clean up the old room.
Isn't that something else? Mindy, let's have a father-daughter talk.
Oh, sure.
( shouting ): Get rid of him! Trash day.
MINDY: We walk all over Boulder, and we still don't find you an apartment.
Oh, don't worry, Mork, we'll find you a place to live.
I saw a nice tree in the front yard.
I could hang out there tonight.
Oh, no, I wouldn't put an Orkan out on a night like this.
You'll just have to spend another night, that's all.
Good.
I guess it's time to hit the old coat rack, then.
Oh, Mork, not the armoire.
You're on Earth now you might as well start acting a little more like it, right? True.
Where do you sleep? On a bed.
Boy, have you got a lot to learn.
Good, I'll sleep with you.
I'm always willing to learn.
Why don't you just sleep on the sofa tonight? Oh.
On a flat surface? Won't I get dizzy? Well, you won't have far to fall.
Oh, Mork, could you go up in the attic for me and get the old comforter? Oh, kay-o.
That's "okay.
" You thank.
"Thank you.
" You're welcome.
Oh, if you have any trouble finding it, it's in the middle of the attic behind the old trunk.
Got it? MORK ( goofy voice ): Ah-bad nee-bay.
Bad-ah nee.
Which one's the comforter? I do hope it's this one.
See, my comforter doesn't stare.
( chuckles ) Never mind, I'll get it later.
Nice place, your attic.
Nice? It's dark, dusty and full of spiders.
Blech! My kind of town.
It's perfect.
Could I live there? You know, actually, that attic wouldn't be such a bad place if we fixed it up.
You know, it would be like having your own apartment.
And it would be a perfect place for you to stay while you're adjusting to Earth.
It'd be perfect.
Oh.
Except for Daddy.
He and I are having enough problems as it is.
Stay.
Problems? Yeah.
May I be of some assistance? I'm afraid not.
You see you are the problem.
Me? Yeah.
Daddy made me promise to have you moved out by tonight or else.
Oh, I see.
I didn't want to cause trouble.
Well, I must be leaving.
Well, where are you going? You can't go now it's cold out and it looks like rain.
I'll be fine.
I'm into weather.
I will miss you.
Oh, wait, wait, Mork.
I don't want you to go.
You see, until I met you, I I never realized how dull and boring my life has been.
I mean, you're a man from outer space.
That's exciting! Exciting.
Oh ( screams ) I told you, stay! I've never been called exciting before.
Well, you are.
I mean, think of it you're a you're an ambassador from another planet.
I mean, you're important.
And if I can help you, that ( laughs ) that makes me feel important.
Well, the important thing is the relationship between you and your father.
I envy you that you have one.
My father was an eyedropper.
My mother was a sterile dish.
Hard to warm up to old Mom.
Yeah, but, Mork, it's time that I It's best for you if I leave, but I can come back from time to time and take human lessons from you.
You're already acting more human than a lot of people I know.
I have a solution.
What? I'll call your father and tell him I'm leaving.
Oh What's his number? ( makes beeping sounds ) ( line ringing ) It's ringing.
Mr.
McConnell, Mork here.
No, sir, that's not quite right.
I'm a son of a test tube.
No, no, um I just want to say, uh, I don't want to stand between you and Mindy.
No, you won't be seeing me anymore.
I thought it'd be nice if you came over and made up with Mindy.
Yes, sir.
Good-bye.
There are some words I have to ask you about.
He's coming over.
I I'd better be going.
Oh, Mork, I feel so sad.
Oh Oh You're soft.
I could get to like that.
Well, you just can't just walk out.
I mean, not just like that.
I know we'll have a toast, uh, to your new life.
I'll break out the bubbly.
Bubbly? Champagne.
( like Lawrence Welk ): Oh.
Thank you, thank you, let's all get down, get funky.
The lovely Lemmon Sisters gonna sing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction.
" Except in this case, the champagne has to be ginger ale because that's all I have.
Oh.
Well here's to the nicest alien I've ever met.
And here's to the nicest alien I've ever met.
And the softest.
( chuckles ) ( goofy muttering and chuckling ) ( shrieks, goofy singing ) ( continues goofy singing ) ( raspberry ) ( yells like Tarzan ) ( goofy shout ) Are you all right? Certainly I'm all right.
( goofy, childlike shouting ) Oh, wow! Surf's up! Ha-ha! ( slow motion ): Oh, no! What's the matter? I think I'm getting Bezurb.
What? ( deep, wavering moan ): Oh, oh, oh, oh The carbonation hits my bloodstream and I get Ork-faced.
( goofy singing ) ( shrieking ) Going home, Mama! Waah! You're drunk! Hey, don't take away my gusto! ( goofy shout ) ( like Wicked Witch ): Oh, help me, I'm melting! ( laughing ) ( goofy singing ) I can't believe this.
I got to sober you up.
Come on.
( doorbell rings ) FRED ( calling ): Mindy I'll get it.
No! You've got to hide.
Oh, Moo-moo No, you got to Shh, shh, shh.
Woop.
Stairway to the stars! Shh! Oh uh Oh, hello, Daddy.
Hi, honey.
I hate to barge in like this, but Mork called, and I kind of got to thinking about the way I acted.
I was out of line, Mindy, and I want to apologize.
Oh, Daddy, you don't have to apologize.
You don't have to say another thing.
Well, I know I didn't have to, but I wanted to.
You know, it's not easy being a father, Mindy.
I know.
Someday you'll be a father you'll understand.
Yeah.
( yawns ) Oh, I'm really getting bushed.
It's getting late.
I'd better get Oh, yeah, it's, uh, nearly 7:30? But, then again, it's not very often we get to have these little father-and-daughter talks.
You know what I mean, Dad? Just sit down right over here.
You know, honey, I'm sorry if I'm a little overprotective about you and your boyfriends, but this Mork, I mean, he's a yo-yo, he's some sort of a creature from outer space.
Well, I know that's a strike against him, but he's really not that different.
You should just take a, you know, a closer look at him sometime.
Oh, is that so? Well, why don't you take a really close look ( screams ) Aw, bummer.
What's he doing here?! Now, Daddy, don't get excited.
I can explain.
You lied to me! You broke your promise! ( growling ) Down, boy.
Down.
Heel, heel.
Sit! Sit! Well, I didn't break my promise, but you bullied me into that promise, you know.
I bullied you into it? Well, I'm a father! What are fathers for? Well, you're just not gonna do it anymore, Dad, that's all.
I'm 21 years old, I have my own apartment, I'm a grown woman, and if I feel like it, I'm going to keep an Orkan in my attic.
Well, I don't feel like it! So, in other words, what you're asking is that I choose between you and Mork? Right.
Well, don't force me to make that choice, Dad.
I'm forcing you.
Mork stays.
Good night, Daddy.
Good night, Daddy.
( honks horn ) Moo-moo says hi, too.
I'm warning you, if I leave here, I'm never coming back.
Never! If that's the way you feel.
( door slamming ) On the other hand, never is much too long.
Oh, honey.
Oh, Daddy.
Oh.
Thanks.
Oh Oh, good, you two are back together.
Mork, you're sober.
Oh, yes, we Orkans only stay bezurb for 60 seconds.
Well, you were gone for a good five minutes.
Whew! I was out for a long time.
Yeah.
Must've really hung one on.
You mean, he's still staying here tonight? Yes, Daddy, but nothing is going to happen.
Do you believe that? Of course I do, honey.
You gave me your word, and I trust you.
Thank you.
But I don't trust him.
I'm staying the night.
Oh, good company.
Well, you can have my place, Pops and I'll camp out.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
( slow motion ): Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
( slower ): Mork calling Orson.
Come in Orson.
ORSON: Orson to Mork.
Am I coming in loud and clear? Uh, too loud, too clear.
You're coming in fuzzy.
What's the matter with your head? Oh, I'm sending fuzzy.
I think I got a little bezurb last night.
You're supposed to be observing the planet, not running around getting Ork-faced.
How's the sand holding out? I've been meaning to talk to you about that, Orson.
I found a very safe place to put it a cat box.
But that's a Yes.
That's what it's worth here, Orson.
Haven't you found out anything important? Yes.
Believe it or not, trees are green on Earth.
There's a black liquid that sells for three dollars a pound, and it takes two to tango.
I mean, something really important.
Yes.
Remember that girl I told you about? Yes.
Well, she did something very nice.
She defended me against her father.
That was a very brave and kind thing to do, and I don't know, I think I'm coming down with Feelings for her.
Mork, you know emotions are hazardous to your health.
Don't start playing around with that stuff.
No, no.
Not me.
You can trust me, sir.
This is Mork, signing off from Boulder, Colorado.
Boy, I'm glad I didn't land in Buffalo.
See you next week, sir.