Mount Pleasant (2011) s01e03 Episode Script

I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat.
It never ever goes away, does it? I want a baby, Greg.
Now.
Morning, ladies.
Do you really think you're the first one he's ever had? You'll have me fat.
I'll have you any way you want, sweetheart.
I think you're wonderful.
I'm freezing my bollocks off out here.
Not that I'm looking.
OK, steady.
Right, watch it.
Careful.
We really ought to get him something, Jim.
A little prezzie.
Jim.
What did I get you when we had your Percy fiddled with? Can you remember? You had to stay in for four days, didn't you, Jim? And that surgeon.
Remember him? Dr Ashdale.
What about Jamaica? How much is that gonna cost? We've saved five grand, Greg.
Come on.
I want to splash out.
It's only a holiday.
A second honeymoon is not only a holiday.
You know what I mean.
And it's our new start.
Now you're stopping all that nonsense with the geegees.
Come on.
Shows some enthusiasm.
Most men would give their right arm for a fortnight with me in nothing but a Top Shop thong.
Mum, it's just a hernia, not paralysis.
He'll be fine.
I'll see you later.
Bye.
Guess who's panicking? Sue, by any chance? Planning me funeral? Don't say that.
Did you put the kettle on? Shit, sorry.
Lisa? Pass us the clicker, will you? Where's the paper? One sec.
Anything else? Is that kettle boiled yet? I'm proper parched.
What about your tablets? Is it sore? Agony.
Wait there.
Thanks.
What? Kettle.
Sorry.
Lisa? I'm starvin' Marvin.
Are you? Dead horse jobby.
Serious.
What do you fancy? Sausage, beans, double egg, bacon, two toast.
Have we got any mushrooms? Yes.
Tidy desk, empty mind.
Big arse, ugly face.
Fergus.
I'm good, you? Today? What time? If you say so, of course.
Talk later.
Where is everyone? It's a full moon, Shelley.
Probably not had time to shrink back to normal yet.
Enough of the lip, Talia.
Call Denise now.
See where she is.
It's only five past.
Only? That was Fergus from head office.
He's in town.
He wants to come in this afternoon.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
Are you OK now? Can I go to work yet? Any chance of another brew? If I must.
Anything else? Tiny favour.
Go on.
Any chance you could nip to the shop? Get me a vanilla slice for later.
You're taking the piss now.
Hey.
Hello.
Bianca mentioned Dan's had a spot of bother.
Did she now? Thought he might like some male company.
Very kind of you.
Amelie.
French.
Bon lovely.
It's not full of bare boobs, is it? Or full-on knobbing? Not that I'm aware of, no.
He can't be getting excited.
His stitches haven't dissolved yet.
And I don't think so neither.
Not for now, for later.
Not now, not later.
Let's get him better first and then we can go wild.
Can we? Promise? Tease.
Hi.
Alright? The bus driver had a heart attack.
I had to give him mouth to mouth.
Don't bullshit me, Denise.
On my nana's life, Shelley.
But your nana's dead.
On my nana's grave, then.
It's a good job I did that NVQ in health and safety.
A life could have been lost this morning.
Needless waste or what? And where's Lisa? We've got head office in this afternoon.
The boss, Denise.
That idiot she calls her boyf.
Pardon? Hasn't she got work she could be doing? Well, what's her excuse? Don't tell me, she's broken a nail.
She's stubbed her toe.
Her vagina's fallen out.
Shelley! It's Dan.
Remember? She picked him up first thing this morning from the hospital.
His hernia op yesterday.
Yeah.
Forgot.
She's not gonna be much longer, is she? It's his arse, not hers.
But you'd stop and look after Greg if he were poorly, wouldn't you? It's a minor procedure, it's not an illness.
Print off this week's figures so far, will you? Denise, coffee, please.
Plenty of it.
Strong.
Thank you.
She's right, really.
Even my mum keeps saying men are much weaker these days.
They used to extract their own teeth in the trenches in World War One.
They didn't even have paracetamol.
Suicide helpline.
Sorry, can you just hold? Thanks for coming, Jack.
It's really kind of you.
Hello, Jack.
Hiya, lads.
Are you not going, are you? Afraid so, Sue.
See you soon, then.
Sorry.
Eyes that would melt stone that one, hasn't he? He's not really my type, Mum.
Yeah? He's not my type either.
But I wouldn't kick him out of bed.
He wouldn't look twice at you, Sue.
Dad, don't be tight.
Closet woofter.
Mark my words, I can spot them anywhere.
Where's the patient? Hey, dude.
Alright, Bazza? "Vladimir if he, I dunno, if he wants to do it.
" Come on! Hey, hey, hey.
Sorry.
Haven't you got a job to do? Yeah.
Boom chicka boom be ba! He's doing your kitchen window.
What's wrong with the kitchen window? The magpies have been at it again.
It's Bianca.
Hello, Bianca.
I am sorry.
I'm not intruding, am I? Are you bollocks.
You talk like a real man you do, doesn't he, Sue? What have you got there, then? It's for you, love.
I got it Jim when he had his vasectomy.
What is it? A foot spa.
Just what you've always wanted, eh, Dan? We used to let the old people use them when I was a nurse.
Thanks a lot.
You were a nurse, Bianca? Sort of.
I used to work in an old people's home a few years back.
They had hernias coming out of their ears.
Pauline.
Where is he? Where's my son? Hiya.
Hello, Pauline.
Pauline.
Don't get up on my account.
Son.
Alright, Mum? Hello, Pauline.
Let me see ya.
You could do with a shave.
Mmm.
Nice to see you too.
What's this shite? That would rot your teeth, that yolk.
Get the poor lad a fizzy Vimto, someone.
I think I'd best be off.
I'll walk you out, shall I? Right, son.
Drop your kecks.
What? Drop your kecks, son.
Let's have a shufties at your scar.
Like friggin' butchers, them surgeons.
Come on.
Nowt I've not seen before.
I was wiping his arse until he was gone seven.
Well, we'd best be off and all.
Not on my account, I hope.
No, no.
Not at all.
I promised Sue a cappuccino and a cupcake.
Yeah, ta ra.
Cappuccino and a cupcake? Bloody swingers.
Right, kecks offski now.
Thank God for spell checker.
I've never understood why there's a D in Wednesday.
I mean, who says Wed-nes-day? It's Wednesday, isn't it? You done something to yourself? Yes, I've changed my - As in self-harmed? Attempted suicide? Might be an option.
If you're stuck for something to do when the dark nights close in.
You're so smart, aren't you, Talia? It must be amazing being so clever.
It's got its down sides.
Difficulty in putting up with all the idiots in the world being one of them.
I'm off, Dan.
Jeepers, she's a nightmare, isn't she? No wonder your dad left her.
Sorry.
For your information, lady, he didn't leave me, as you damn well know.
I divorced him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
Something you must know all about.
I'm late.
What's happened? Where's Lisa? Back to work already.
With you laid up like this.
Proper little career woman, isn't she? When are they going to learn, these feminists? You know my thoughts on it, son.
Learn how to make a proper sarnie first, then conquer the world.
What do you fancy? Beef paste? Dairylea.
Hello.
How is he? He's fine, thank you very much.
Everything OK? Do yourself a favour, Denise.
Never get married.
People come with too much baggage.
Mothers, for a friggin' start.
Jobs in today.
Ta.
Lisa.
Impromptus sales meeting courtesy of Fergus and his ever expanding ego.
Copies of next month's targets, please, and a list of our top 20 clients with gross billings for each.
Quick as you can.
He's fine, thanks very much, Shelley.
A bit weak and very sore but generally doing really well.
Yes, love? Corned beef, cock.
Shove us a bit of piccalilli on it, will you? On a white barm, if you've got one.
Barm? You must be Lancashire.
Salford, love.
My dad was from Salford.
He said barm.
I say roll.
Me mum said bap.
Me grandmother said stotty.
And me French teacher said baguette.
I'm not sure about the French, are you? They don't shave their armpits, do they? It's plain lazy is that.
So what brings you round here? Me son's just had an operation.
Hernia.
I'm looking after him.
Really? A friend of mine's just had one of them.
Small world.
He's my youngest.
Dan.
Dan? Yeah.
Bless him.
He needs feeding up.
How come you're doing it? Has he not got a wife? Lisa? Well, she's his wife in name, maybe.
But you can forget the sickness and health bit.
She's gone back to work, the cow.
He's practically paraplegic.
I'm off to get some mince in.
Gonna make him a shepherd's pie.
It's his favourite.
Really? Yeah.
Man of simple tastes, my son.
Home-made shepherd's pie and a bottle of beer and he'll love you forever.
Little tip.
Stew your mince the night before you eat it.
Leave overnight, then add the potato on top.
Delicious.
Really? Yeah.
You should try the butchers next door.
I use him.
I made a vat of chilli this morning.
Ooh.
My favourite.
Do you fancy some? I'll do you a cuppa.
We can sit down, have a little natter, if you like.
I need to make a call.
Do you mind? Not at all.
Do you mind, Shelley, if I go for an early lunch? There's a jam doughnut calling my name and I feel dead tight just ignoring it like this.
What the fuck have you done with it, Greg? Our money.
What? Don't mess me about.
I'm not in the mood.
Shell, I dunno what you're talking about.
Our holiday money.
There was five grand in that account.
Five grand still is in the account, babes.
No.
No, it isn't.
I've just checked.
My God.
You've chucked it on an horse, haven't you? "No way have I.
" What, a dead cert, was it? My God, Greg, I cannot believe.
It'll be a mistake.
I've not had it, Shelley.
You've got to believe me.
I want to.
It happened to Lloyd this.
Three grand taken from his bank by some yardies.
Didn't it, mate? Tell her.
It's true, Shelley.
They cleaned me out, the bastards.
He got it back, though.
Tell her, Lloydy.
Every penny, Shelley.
I'll call the bank as soon as I'm home.
You just concentrate on your day.
You've got enough on your plate.
Are you sure? God, I'm such a cow.
Hey, worry not.
Sir Lancelot is here and he's gonna fix it for you.
Ciao.
Bad day at the office? That obvious? If you're looking for another job, then yeah.
It's tempting sometimes, trust me.
Want to talk about it? Not really.
Come on, over lunch.
My treat.
Don't be silly.
I'm not being silly.
Come on.
Just a pizza.
I can't.
You can.
I shouldn't, really.
Why not? We're just friendly neighbours, aren't we? That's what friendly neighbours do, isn't it? And I'll be offended if you don't.
Properly offended.
Come on.
This is so naughty.
What's naughty about it? It feels just right to me.
Wine at lunch? Head Office meeting at 3:00? You do the math, honey.
What? I thought you meant having lunch just you and me.
It's naughty.
Friendly neighbours, mister.
You said it.
Yeah, course.
It's just me buying you lunch trying to persuade you to change jobs.
I forgot about that for a moment.
Do you really think I should do it, Jack? Totally.
You'd be brilliant.
You are brilliant.
I don't know about brilliant.
And smart and funny.
And beautiful.
Shall I go on? Can you just excuse me for a second? I'm dying for a wee.
You were on fire last night, sugar tits.
Coffee.
Denise, if you don't mind.
Shelley's office.
Three more sleeps and I'm off for four days.
Lovely.
It's gonna piss it down at the weekend, you know.
Need your brolly if you're out on the razz Saturday night.
I'll be staying in all weekend, unfortunately.
Poor cow.
Not on my own.
My hubby's had a little operation.
Shit.
Sorry.
He's fine.
He just needs some TLC, that's all.
You're seeing him again, aren't you? No.
Sugar tits? Is that cos he's been shagging you since you were sweet 16? He loves me, Lisa.
You know what he said to me last night? No, but I can guess.
He said sometimes he looks up to the stars and matches each one with a reason why he loves me.
That's romance, Lisa.
Not when it's cloudy it's not.
Stop it.
Stop being so mean.
Can't you see he makes me happy? He buys me credit for me phone, he says he's gonna take me to Scarborough.
He even likes me bingo wings.
Well, when I have a jumper on, anyway.
I just don't want you to get hurt, Denise.
What if Shelley finds out, eh? I care about you, you daft cow, that's all.
In my opinion you need to, er Would you like me to come in, Shelley? Extra pair of hands? It's good of you to offer but we've got all we need, thank you very much.
Where are you going? To see a man about a dog.
And no, before you ask, not a Chihuahua and not a labradoodle.
I've seen it all now.
She helped me get in.
It's a hernia, not a hip replacement.
It's major surgery, I'll have you know.
Imagine if he slips.
At least someone's looking out for him.
Make sure he washes his willy, Pauline whatever you do.
Well, then, then? Hold on.
Right.
OK.
They better had be.
And you'll call me Monday to confirm? Great.
Cheers, then.
Bye.
Someone's cloned the card and took the lot.
My God.
Who? Just some gang.
Operating all over the north-west or something.
The swiper at the garage on Fortune Road where you get your petrol, they reckon.
Really? Anyway, they're on to it and we're covered.
So we get it back? Of course we do.
I'm really sorry that - And we get it all back.
Every pound.
It's so amazing that you got them to sort it.
Well, you know what these office tarts are like.
They just need putting in their place every once in a while.
Don't they just.
Mum.
Hello, poppet.
Why haven't you been round? There's a big pile of ironing here.
Sorry, been busy.
On a Tuesday? Doing what exactly? I've come to town to pick up Neil.
Neil? I told you, I won him on eBay.
God, Lise, I've lost your father.
So you're replacing him with a big picture of Neil Diamond? There he is.
Flump.
It's not cos of her, is it? What? Why you've not been round.
It's not cos of Pauline, is it? Is it heck.
Cos you know you're welcome.
I've just been busy.
Chock a block.
Barry.
I've got to go now, love.
See you soon.
How much do you charge, darling? You're not funny, Barry.
Never have been, never will be.
Where's this one gonna live? I'll find somewhere.
He's not going in the bedroom.
Hey.
He's going wherever I want him to go.
I said, Sue, he's not going in the bedroom.
Would you mind, chick, if he goes in the utility room next to Elvis? Alright, love.
He can go in the utility room next to Elvis.
Feeling better? Well, the dark cloud has lifted, yeah, but me brain still feels like it's been steamrollered.
Mum.
Sit down.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Steady on.
That much salt after a migraine? What are you trying to do, kill me? Don't be silly, Pauline.
Where's me fags? What? I don't need a lesson in seasoning, Dan, not from anyone.
She's only trying to help.
She was supposed to be cooking in the first place.
She can't help it if she's had an headache.
Like I didn't know she'd worm her way out of it.
You're reading too much into it.
Any more of her nit-picking, I swear I'll just leave.
It's not nit-picking, it's just her way.
Thanks, Dan.
Thanks a lot.
What? I might have known you'd take her side.
Hey, I've just been thinking, cocker.
You could borrow one of my cookbooks.
I've got that Delia one from the '70s.
Teach a halfwit to slice bread, she could.
Please.
I'm starving.
You can choose.
I'll do Chinese, if you prefer it.
Or that Japanese place you keep telling me about.
They will cook the sushi, though, won't they, if I tell them about my phobia? Just an hour.
I told you, I can't do tonight, sugar tits.
Do you have to call me that? You love it.
Used to, Fergus.
I just think maybe it's time you called me something else.
Something a bit more I don't know.
Something that makes me sound less like your shag piece.
But you are my shag piece.
Fergus.
I'm just winding you up.
Come here.
Tomorrow night, then.
Dinner.
Just you and me.
Candles and wine and fellatio.
Here.
Get yourself some new lingerie.
Anything you like.
Make it lace and black.
You know the score, gorgeous.
Don't forget to lock up.
This place gets turned over, you will be out of a job.
What's up with you? I'm not that hungry.
I've had a big lunch.
How come? I just did, you know.
Did you go out somewhere? Yeah.
You never said.
Didn't I? No.
Where did you go? Nowhere special.
Where? Just the cafe.
Kate's? Bloody hell, Dan, what is this? The Spanish Inquisition? No, it's just a conversation.
You usually tell me about your lunch.
What did you have? Are we really that boring that all we've got to talk about is what we had for lunch? Whatever next? Who won Countdown? Whether we've had a poo today? Kate's Cafe on the high street? Correct.
I went in there today.
We made friends, you know.
Had a right good chinwag.
What time did you go in? Lunch time.
Ish.
She's smashing that one, isn't she? Yeah.
She's alright.
A bit dull, you know? Twee.
Plain.
She's not that bad.
Who asked you? Me, as a matter of fact.
She's harmless is Kate, that's all.
Precisely.
Dull.
Not exactly what you've want written on your headstone, is it? "Here lies Kate, sadly missed, greatly loved, 'armless.
" You shouldn't speak ill of the dead, Lisa.
She's not dead.
Not now she isn't, but she will be one day.
I happen to like her.
And she's a great cook.
Is she now? Did you hear about her hubby? Did you hear about it, Dan? Snuffed it, poor bastard.
Yeah, I know.
Shocking.
She's been through the mill, hasn't she? One hell of a woman, that one, Dan, let me tell you.
Why is that, Pauline? Cos she's a widow and a good cook.
Don't you think women have a little bit more to offer than that? I was wondering when Germaine Greer was gonna come into it.
Shall I tell you something about her, Lisa? Something that might make you stop and think for a minute just for once? Go on then, Pauline.
Enlighten me.
Being a lesbian isn't biological, it's a choice.
And a bloody shellfish one at that.
OK? I'm going for a bath.
I think I've insulted her, son, suggesting Delia.
She probably prefers Gino D'Acampo, doesn't she? I can't stand them Italians.
They talk too fast and they eat raw meat.
Animals.
Mind you, I'd make an exception for that Russell Crowe.
There you go, son.
Pauline.
Where's mine? My son is ill.
You can make own, let's face it.
Let's face it? Did you hear that? Give it a rest, you two.
I've just woken up.
Did he hear what? Pauline, this is my house and he is my husband.
If you are a guest here, you will treat me with some respect and next time make me a friggin' brew, alright? Wind your neck in, Lisa.
Me crumpets'll burn.
Nice one, Lisa.
Did you see that? See what? You losing your fucking mind over my bleeding mother, as per usual.
Excuse me? Don't you think just for once you could try and make an effort? Put up with her.
She's only trying to do what's right.
She's not murdered anyone, has she? You can't just for one minute back down and let her do her bit, can you, you potty cow? Why can't you stick up for me, Dan? Can't you see what she's doing, the interfering old trout? She is my mother.
And I am your wife.
I'll be the one that slags her off.
I'll be the one that tells her if she's out of order.
It's a bit rich of you to start moaning about interfering old trouts with a mother like yours.
Meaning? Got a key to get in, has she, my mum? Decides when to chuck out me socks cos they've got imaginary holes in 'em does she, my mum? Drags me to fucking Cleethorpes every year for a wet weekend in a bastard caravan, does she, my mum? Does she? Does she, Lisa? Does she bollocks.
I thought you liked Cleethorpes.
Do me a favour, will you? Who in their right mind likes Cleethorpes? Maybe we should just call it a day.
What? This.
Us.
Maybe we should just finish.
What do you mean finish? Separate.
Divorce.
Stop being so dramatic.
I'm not being dramatic.
Stop blubbering, you mentalist, and pass me my T-shirt.
You think, after all this? Get it yourself, you fucking cripple.
My God.
Dan.
Pauline.
Pauline! Call an ambulance.
Why did I do it? Why didn't I just shut up and leave him alone for once? Don't torture yourself, love.
Pecking his head like that.
Like he needs that after an operation.
He knows you didn't mean it.
I do love him, you know? Nobody knows how much.
Yes, they do, poppet.
It's funny but there's nowt like a hospital corridor that makes you realise how much you love someone.
Your mother was the same when they had to drain her Button it, Barry.
He's a good lad is my Dan.
The best, love.
But what if he'd died? But hasn't, treasure.
Who'd dance for me, Dad? When I'm drunk.
I would, kid.
I said button it, Barry.
That's the last thing anybody needs is you prancing around like a pissed pigeon.
Dan! What's up, you soft get? Nothing.
We've dressed the wound.
It might seep for few more days but he just needs rest, that's all.
Shall we just go home? Big brew, vanilla slice? Rock 'n' roll.
Thank you.
You're angels, you lot.
Wow, super chic.
I watched this programme the other night.
How to look good for your significant other.
Go on.
First base, take time over your hair.
If you've got a heart-shaped face, get it all back in a bun.
It shows strength and intelligence.
Blimey.
All this for Fergus.
He's taking me out.
Proper this time.
For tea.
White linen tablecloths, bottle of wine.
We're having starters and everything.
Where is it leading to, Denise? Who knows where anything leads to? Filed for divorce then, has he? Not yet.
But he will do when he sees the knickers I've got on.
Lisa.
I've just had a call from the job you applied for.
Right.
You don't really want leave, do you? Do you know how you made me feel? When? Yesterday.
What about yesterday? Let's get Lisa to do everything, shall we? Let's not even say please.
I always say please.
Let's not even acknowledge it when she just goes ahead and does it.
A little gesture, that's all, would have been nice.
I didn't even realise.
I don't care if you give me a bad reference, seriously.
After the week I'd had.
Why am I gonna give you a bad reference? I don't know.
Just cos you could.
But, Lisa, you're brilliant.
You're best that we've got here.
Half of them out there, they don't know shit from toothpaste.
The whole place would come to a standstill if I didn't have you.
You really think that? I really think that.
Look, I'm sorry that I didn't ask you in.
I'm sorry that I take you for granted.
I had a bad day.
I know it's no excuse or anything, but I'm a bit worried about Greg at the moment.
What's the matter? We lost a load of money.
I thought it was him, you know, the horses.
Shit.
No way.
He's - No, no.
It was the bank.
Card's been copied.
They're sorting it.
I didn't realise.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have been so short with you.
It was out of line.
You don't really want leave, do you? Alright.
It was a bit of a dig at you, I admit it.
But I was tempted.
Lisa, don't leave.
You're due a promotion.
Really? Definitely.
More responsibility.
I'd love that.
And more money.
That's brilliant.
It's yours, if you want it.
Well, I need a couple of days to recover from all this upset.
Please say you want it.
We need you here.
I need you here.
We're best mates, aren't we? How long have I got to think about it? Take the rest of the day off.
Go home, put your feet up.
Eat a bag of Doritos, watch a chick flick.
Go on, you know the drill.
Yes, boss.
I sure do.
What are you doing? Going for a piss.
No, you don't.
Where is she? Hey, you should be helping him.
He needs a wee.
Hope you didn't leave a dimp on my patio.
Hello to you too.
You've changed your tune, haven't you? What's that, sweet smell of a guilty conscience? Zip it, Mum.
Pardon me, this is your mother you're talking to.
Just leave her alone.
I've had enough.
I think you should go.
Lisa can sort me out.
She spends her whole life sorting me out and you know it.
Pack your bags, Mum.
We just need some peace.
Cheers, mum.
No hard feelings either.
Course not, son.
You're in good enough hands.
Thanks, Pauline.
Just for the record, love, you were quite right.
He did leave me.
Broke my bloody heart, if I'm honest.
Did the one thing I know you'll never do to my son.
Pauline.
Boxing Day at mine this year, if you fancy it.
Karaoke, After Shocks and a finger buffet.
Sounds smashing.
Don't decide now, but you know you're both very welcome.
Ta ra.
Ta ra, Mum.
- Hiya.
- Alright, love? Alright, darling? It's Kate.
What does she want? No more visitors.
I'm dead horny.
It's 10:30 in the morning.
Hot tub party ce soir.
Did you invite her? What's the problem? Who dares wins.
You need to sort your head out, mate.
Don't fuck with her.
Just a giggle, babes.
You'd better go.
It's only like that time I bumped into you and Jack having your intimate little night out.
It wasn't intimate.