Mr Bigstuff (2024) s01e03 Episode Script

1
The following program me contains
strong language and adult humour.
You know how I feel about secrets.
There's this big one in the garden.
Your dick pills, Glen. When are
you gonna stop letting people
treat you like shit. Dickwad!
He, er, wants you to cover for him
tomorrow as acting assistant manager.
Cheers, Ian! Someone's been
a naughty boy, ain't they?
Promise me there's nothing dodgy
going on. Who you been talking to?
I'm gone, so call 'em off!
Does the name Bunny ring a bell?
I'm the man.
I'm the man!
I'm the fucking manager
for today, with Ian off sick.
So, I thought, "Hey, why
not shake things up a bit?"
Agh, mine's stale
Glen, can I swap it?
I want your suggestions. What can
we do better? Throw it out there,
whatever you wanna say.
This one's shit and all.
Let's make this a more
engaged workplace environment.
And maybe, just maybe,
we'll sell a few more quality
flooring systems along the way!
Bullshit. Sorry?
You're manager now?
Just like that?
Er, well, no, acting
assistant manager-Bullshit!
Eugh! I know what's
going on here!
Fuck me, there's
custard in this?
You think I'm dumb? You
think I'm a dumb fool?
Oh, no I heard you!
Chatting up Ian in the bogs!
No, no, Bri-Brian that's not
what happened. It's not li-Rat!
Rat tactics! What?!
Chill out, grandad!
Shush, you!
Oh, OK, let's make this- Did
he Did he just shush me?
Simmer down. Don't shush
me, fucking liquorice breath!
OK, not that sort of language-
Who even eats liquorice?
Shits from the past. Like you!
Aysha, Aysha I've got this!
I'm on your side,
dickhead. Go, and open up,
it's nearly nine. Now,
go! Or what, Glen?
You gonna throw noodles at me?
What? Yes, bruv.
I've seen the video!
Ian's not gotten sick. Ian's
gotten criminally insane. Look!
"Suck that! Suck that."
Yes, bruv! You and Ian, is
it? Cheeky little date night?
I bloody knew it!
Erm
Time ♪
Well, well
Well, well,
well, well, well. ♪
Oh, no.
Oh.Oh, sorry, won't be a minute.
I don't mind if you don't.
OK
Suits me, dunnit?
Er, yeah, erm
Oh, sorry.
Er, so, no work today, no?
No. I've got a day off today,
so I'm taking my Mum out,
bit of retail therapy!
How lovely.Mm.
That's good of you that is, using
up your holiday. Yeah, well,
she's helping us with
the wedding fund so
It's mental the amount
people spend nowadays. Huh?
Fifteen, twenty
grand, some of 'em.
Well, it's our big day,
so Course it is.
And you want everything
to be just right.Yeah.
Glen was saying you might be staying
with us for a couple of days?
Only if it's
alright with you.
Oh, yeah, absolutely,
brilliant. Yeah, great.
Do you know, I might just
I'm gonna give you some space,
OK, thank you. Oh!
No! No! No! I'm not working
my butthole off Please
Brian, Brian Ugh all day
just to make you look good!
Fire him, Glen. Who cares?
The man's a fucking
incel. You hear that?!
Abuse! Right there!
I've taken this from her
for too long! Shush man,
you don't know shit
about shit. Look, Brian,
m-m-m-maybe we could just
talk this through, yeah?
M-m-m-m-m-maybe it's
time I pulled the trigger.
No.Let's see what HR
has to say about this.
Please, Brian.
Not Brian no, no,
Come on, man. Helen.
Get your fleece. We're leaving.
Are those two shagging? Huh.
Brian? Br-Brian
No, don't, Brian
B-Brian And to think, Glen,
I wasn't going to tell
anyone about your dick pills.
Mic drop.
Don't do
that. Hmm? Don't rinse.
Keep the fluoride in, good
for the enamel and that.Erm
Oh, well, I didn't know that.
Right, thanks. So,
when is the big day?
Erm, so it's just over
three months away now.
So, will you? Will you be
joining us? Well, obviously,
if I can, you know, but, erm
Yeah, no, well it'll be
brilliant to have you there.
I mean, like I say, I, you
know Yeah, of course, hey.
Oh, do
you know what, Lee?
Erm, do you know what I just don't
quite understand, is, erm-Uh-oh.
Mm Glen been neglecting
his manly duties?
Sorry? Not keeping his end up?
Your tap. Needs a washer.
Yeah. It's been like that
for a while, ain't it? Yeah.
Yeah. For God's
sake, Glen. I know.
I'll slip out today,
go get you one. Brilliant.
Make myself useful while I'm here.
Yeah, that'd be great, thank you.
He's put in a formal complaint.
Harassment, discrimination
and unfair promotion.
It's I'm fucked.
Let it go, bruv,
Brian's a poosio.
Man's like a Tik Tok
lesbian.
Aysha
don't take this the
wrong way, but
are you never worried,
like, you might get fired?
Only cos, like, I'm
not being funny,
but you are You're sort of
quite bad at your job, aren't you?
Mate. You gotta
let that energy go.
It's just like, fate or whatever,
you know? Like 'YOLO' and that.
(SIGHS) Also,
my family own the company.
What? World of Carpets, yeah.
Fourteen stores
across the Southeast.
We're like minted.
Don't tell no one, though.
Alright. And I won't tell
no one about your Yeah?
Alright? Yeah, yeah.
Christ, like, it's
nearly one o'clock.
How's not one person
come through those doors?
Wait,
I knew there was
something. I knew it!
What?
Cos you asked me to
unlock them, didn't you?!
Fuck!
What, mate, don't take
them all!
Oi? I only want
one pack.
Chill out, bruh,
it's not that deep.
Believe
me, Ron, I'm looking.
Lee fucking Campbell.
When I find him, I'll fucking
It's like It's
like It's like
looking for a cunt
in a haystack.
I was standing there
first, and you saw me.
They'll have more in the
back! I couldn't give a fuck
what's in the back. It's
about the fucking principle.
Fuck off, you fucking nonce!
I know, Ron, I know.
I heard what you said,
I know, I'm fucking
My eyes are peeled, yes
Just taking a little break. Just
picking up a few things, yeah? Oi!
Hang on a sec, shut up, will ya?
Shush!MAN: (VIA
"Gavin to wood flooring."
"Gavin to wood
flooring, please." Ron,
you are not gonna believe this!
Ugh!
Here you are.
Keep the
change, my darling.
You're 5p short.
It's him, Ron. It's
actually fucking him!
He's here in Loughton. Yeah.
Looks like we're gonna have
to find this brother of his.
Bloody swines! Tried
to turn me away.
You can't use the loos
unless you make a purchase.
Fucking Nazis! I mean, I
said, "It's Costa Coffee love,
"not Dachau!" Mother! He backed down
when I pointed out I'm on my stick.
I do need it, Kirsty.
My symptoms come and go.
Now Right,
I need some "eyeshadder".
I've had my colours done,
turns out I'm fucking "winter"!
Right, I'll wait
here. You what?
I'll wait here. I'll wait
here. I just wanna look at
things. Oh, right. OK.
I'll just ask some ran do shall I,
what suits me best? Don't worry,
cos I've only lumped you
half my fucking life savings
for your wedding, but no,
you wait there, why not(?)
What do ya think? Yeah.
Yeah? It's nice, yeah.
I want a second opinion.
No! Come on. Honestly! What the shit
has crawled up your arse and died!
Oh, right. That again.
What? No. It's your business.No.
What are you, erm? No, no, no.
Just as long as you sort it out
before your wedding.No
OK, it has nothing
to do with- No.
Everything's really good,
actually. Yeah, we're really
Yeah, Glen's, erm, actually up
for promotion at the moment, so
Least one of yous working,
aye? Look, I've said it before,
I'll say it again.
Fucking and feeding,
that's all men need. You keep
that up, you're laughing.Hmm.
That's where it went wrong with
your dad. Always with a Fray Bentos
but when it come to intercourse- We
are nothing like you and Dad! OK?
Oh? No, actually, yeah,
Glen, if anything
..my God, he wants
it too much, so Bully for you.
Right, Matalan.
They'll try and give you
grief about not being able
to return underwear, but say
I've been on martinlewis.com,
I know my rights. Mm-hmm.
Alright, love! Fuck. Sorry.
Hiya, love, hiya. What?
What? Y-You're
You're doing a
face. What? I'm not.
You are a bit. (CHUCKLES
NERVOUSLY)Am I?
Oh, erm
OK, well,
I was gonna wait to talk to
you about this, but, erm
Yeah, I've just
I found these, so
Erm, and I-I'm not
cross, not at all, no.
I just We'd said
no secrets, hadn't we?
So I don't need
'em. So What? Er,
just in case, but you
know I don't need em, so-
Yeah, but I'd like to talk
to you about it, Glen.
It's fine, Kirsty. Can you
just- OK, no, but can you,
because we did used to
didn't we? Like, quite often.
It's nothing, if you just-
Do you not fancy me anymore?
I love you to bits,
Kirst. But you don't
Course! I Kirst Kirsty!
I'm actually, just gonna,
because Yeah, no. Well, don't
What I'm saying is You don't
need to throw them in the bin,
Glen. The thing is, I don't need
them Kirst! So
Alright? Hiya! Alright?
Got the washer for your tap.
Oh, brilliant, brilliant!
Cup of tea? Yeah. Yes,
please.Lovely.Thank you!
What
don't you need?
Hmm?
You were just saying. Erm
Right, yes, er, we
we we we
we were just talking about-
About Orthopaedic insoles.
Orthopaedic insoles.Yeah.Yeah,
I don't need em. So
Right. Yes.Congratulations.
Mm. Thank you, yeah,
cos I I bought some.
For the dance. For the
wedding dance, yeah. Yeah,
we've been practising
for months! Yeah.
And I often get a twinge on the-
On the pas de bourree. Yeah,
yes so I bought some, yeah.
But I, erm
I I don't need them,
actually.
So You sure?
Yeah, I'm I'm I'm
feeling much better so, erm
maybe later let's, erm
have a bash at the Paso doble.
Tea for ya. Oh,
aha!
Thank you. Now, go and put your
trotters up. I'll fix your tap.
Go on. Ah Yeah.
: Why is
he wearing my shorts?
Bim Bom ♪
Bim bom bim bim bom bim bim
Bim bom bim bim bom bom ♪
Sorry, I do just keep
thinking about Ian.
Right.
Just Just, like, if-if, you
know, he's not there tomorrow,
then am I manager still?
Is he manager-Glen!
Shall we Pasa doble?
Yeah. Yeah? Yes.
I might just actually just
Er, do you mind if I, erm,
just b b-brush my teeth.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
SPEED)
"You are a
tower of strength."
"A volcano of masculine energy."
Won't be a minute,
Kirst! "Your penis is"
"You are
a totem of virility."
"Your penis is a
mighty redwood."
Coming, I'll be
right there. Mm-hmm.
"You are strong,"
"magnificent."
"You are a totem of virility."
"A volcano of
masculine energy"
"a tower of strength."Agh!
: "Your penis
is a mighty redwood.
"You are st"
How long?
Right.
Get your
fucking shoes on.
Glen?
Glen?
Wait Wait!
We cannot be here!
I'm not even supposed to be
bloody- Shut your fucking mouth
and get your
clothes off. What?
Get your clobber off
down to your pants.
OK. No.
That is actually
Argh! I want it off.
Get off. Get off me.
Argh. Alright! Alright!
Just fucking tell me what we're
supposed to be doing. I know you.
Now, you might have the world
fooled with your old man trousers
and your tidy little borders but you
can't fool me, son, I'm your brother.
There's a mad cunt inside you,
and we gotta get him out.
So, we're gonna fight.
Man to man, skin to skin.
Because that Glen,
that's what you need.
What?! No, I don't need that
Argh! You wanna get
hard? Get off me! Ugh!
Get off! Off!
Come on, mate, let's
get you hard! Argh.
Huh? Who is it?!
Reveal yourself!
I can't fucking believe this!
So, it's fight club?
It's not fight club.
Yes, it's fight club. It sounds
a lot like-It's not fight club.
It's fight club. Ian,
why are you here?
I got booked by the rozzers,
Glen! Why didn't you just go home?
Sheila takes a dim view of
I thought it best I stay away.
So, after everyone left today,
I set up camp over
by the shagpiles,
haven't looked back! So, Lee
fight club. Where do I sign up?
Mm.
Now you got some issues,
but this ain't about you
This is about you.
So, are we gonna have a tear up
or what? No, no, no. I'm leaving.
I'm sorry. Yeah, but I-I've
I've got work tomorrow,
actually. A-A-A-And they're
not "old man" trousers,
they're dri-fit chinos,
they're breathable active wear.
Ooh, you getting annoyed
are ya? I am, actually!
Yeah, I'm I'm
getting frigged off!
Well, fucking show me, then! I
won't, Lee! I shan't be drawn!
Oh, he shan't be drawn,
Ian. I will. I'll be drawn.
Take your weight off my chinos.
No, no, I think Glen does
need to run home to Kirsty.
I reckon she'd rather be on her
own tonight. You are creasing
the hem, Lee! That way she
can invite in the pizza boy.
Cos she's gotta get a bit of cock
from somewhere ain't she? Fu
Oh! There he is! I
knew he was in there,
the Old Angry Beaver. Yeah
I've got the plums son.
Ruddy big ones!
Come on then, you nutty
bollocks! Let's fucking have it!
Argh!
Yes! Oh yes!
Oh, well, Ian, looks like
it's just me and you
My little brother
wants to tap out.
You know my mother, she
swore she never smoked
when she was pregnant with him
but I think it's open for debate.
Some of my earliest memories
were plumes of smoke
coming underneath the pantry door
while I was watching Button Moon!
So, think it's safe to say
that that old girl was lying
through her fucking-(GROANS)
That woman was a saint!
So, you won't throw
a punch at me,
but you'll whack me
with a fucking pipe?
It's a D40 inner tube!
Ugh! Yes! Come
on! Yes Glen! Come on!
Yes! Let it out!
I'm not letting anything out!
Yeah. I'm a Argh.
Sorry, Ian, sorry! Oh, God.
There's There's blood!
I knew there was
a bit of Dad inside you!
First First
aid! FUCK YOU, LEE!
Oh!
Feels good
that dunnit, Glen, huh?
All that aggression running
through ya! It's not
I'm not Ugh!
Yes, alright. Yes,
it fucking does.
Yeah. Cos who are ya? I'm
I'm Who are ya!? Ugh!
I'm the angry fucking beaver!
Yeah!
Yes! You use that energy.Yeah.
And you take it into the world,
and you go and get whatever
you fucking want! Yeah!
Do you understand me?
Yes! How do you feel?
I feel I feel livid.
What about? About Roger next
door parking on our drive.
What else? A-And
And fruity vapes!
And? And people
calling me "big man"
and and teenagers playing their
music without earphones, like,
I don't wanna hear Cardi
B saying the N word,
I'm in Holland and fucking
Barrett! Yeah! Yeah!
And And there's
you! What? Yeah!
You! I'm trying to help
ya! No! You're not!
We both know you're not
here to reconnect, Lee!
Mum knew it. "Don't
rely on him," she said.
"Cos he won't be there for you when
you need him!"What, she said that?
Yeah. Now, here you
are, eh? In my house,
eating my fucking
Muller Fruit Corners!
Easy! Easy! Why are
you really here? Huh?
Why are you here, Lee?
Eh? Why are you here?!
It's bad, Glen. It's
really fucking bad.
Uh cleaning?
Bim Bom ♪
Bim bom bim bim bom bom
Bim bom bim bim bom bim bim
Bim bom bim bim bom bom
Bim bom bim bim bom bim bim
Bim bom bim bim bom bom. ♪