Mr. Iglesias (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

1 All right, gang, I'd ask you how your summer was, but since we spent it together, I know it was awesome.
It's like we never left.
Whoa! You know, maybe we never did.
The gum I put under here is still soft.
- And minty! - [GRUNTS.]
Disgusting, and yet not at all surprising.
You guys did such a great job in summer school, it gave me an idea.
I want our class to represent the school in this year's academic decathlon - at the end of the semester.
- That's what the honors students do.
Yeah.
Well, you could challenge them, and you could beat them.
Who's in? [CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
Nice one, Grace.
I see you downloaded the Heckler app.
Look, in all seriousness, you guys, you could do this if you really wanted to.
Exactly.
If we wanted to.
We know you want us to thrive, Mr.
Iglesias, - but we're happy just getting by.
- Mm-hmm.
You should put that on a T-shirt, Walt.
Academic decathlon, Mr.
Iglesias? That's a rich kid thing.
They have tutors.
Their tutors have tutors.
They live in two-story Tudors with two-car garages, and get this, two parents.
What? [MOUTHING.]
Look, I'm gonna take your zero interest as a hard maybe.
Good morning, Mr.
Iglesias.
Students.
Speaking of hard maybe.
I come bearing gifts, and by gifts, I mean new rules.
[GABE.]
Oh! There is nothing like the look on a kid's face on Christmas morning.
[IMITATING CHILD.]
"Look, Mommy! Look what's in my stocking! A new rule!" I pitched Principal Madison the idea of creating a new position: school security czar.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Let me guess, you've nominated someone completely unqualified: yourself.
Precisely, and if all goes smoothly, Principal Madison will allow me to place that position on my business card.
Uh, what's a business card? Something you'll probably never have.
Something no one under 40 will ever have.
Nevertheless, say hello to the linchpin of my security initiative.
Clear backpacks? What are you, Gwen Stefani? I ain't no hollaback girl.
From now on, all students are to use these so that contraband can be easily spotted.
I thought plastic bags were outlawed in California.
This is an injustice.
It's clearly unconstitutional.
Yeah, clear [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I get it.
That's adorable.
Mr.
Iglesias probably taught you that you have rights.
You don't.
You're students.
Thanks for the visit, Bad Santa.
[SIGHS.]
Well, looks like Big Brother's here.
I'mma pour one out for my privacy.
What is this, part of Border Patrol's fall collection? These backpacks will definitely make it easier for them to check our papers.
- [GABE SIGHS.]
- Wait, there's a paper due? It's the first day! I need an extension.
Look, if you guys hate these backpacks, then you need to let your voices be heard.
This country's foundation was built on protests.
Can anyone give me an example? [COMPUTER.]
I can.
The Montgomery Bus Boycott launched the civil rights movement.
I got one.
Boston Tea Party launched the American Revolution.
And my sweet moves launched a Dance Dance Revolution.
Yeah, and that revolution is still going strong.
- Oh, damn straight it is.
- Oh, yeah! - [BOTH GRUNTING.]
- Yeah! Mm! Okay, you guys heard Hernandez.
He wants things to run smoothly.
So let's do everything in our power to make sure things don't run smoothly.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? Maybe.
You know, as a teacher, I probably shouldn't encourage civil unrest, but in America, if you don't like the rules, you protest.
And the worst thing they can do is make sure you never play professional football again.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Mr.
Iglesias Mr.
Iglesias You know, this is this is my 47th first day of school.
Oh, we know.
That 1971 yearbook gets passed around quite a bit.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, your afro blocked out half the faculty.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Yeah, that 'fro was a chick magnet.
And a police magnet.
Who else was so excited about today, they stayed up all night baking? I'm guessing just you, but I've never been mad at a cookie.
Someone's in a good mood.
You must be getting over Danny.
Ugh.
Danny.
I hope the seat falls off his bicycle, and he doesn't notice, and he sits right on it - and that pole goes - Hey, hey, hey! Hey.
We get it, you're not over Danny.
The worst part is I can't afford the two bedroom I found for both of us.
Now I have to move.
Really? Sounds like you need a strong man.
With a truck.
Sounds like the beginning of every Dateline episode.
Thanks, Tony, but I still have to find a place.
I'm looking at an apartment tonight I found on Craigslist.
And that sounds like the end of every Dateline episode.
Ooh! I like this lighting.
First day photos, get my good side.
Who am I kidding? All my sides are good, come on.
- All right.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Work it, girl.
- Uh, uh, uh! - Oh! - Chaka Khan.
Chaka Khan.
- What? Chaka Khan.
Chaka Khan! - [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah.
- You are quinceañera ready, girl.
- Oh, thank you.
All right, listen up.
Everybody's gotta bring their A-game because Mama needs to be the principal of an elite 100 school.
- I'll go get my things.
- Tony.
You're an honors teacher now.
You're gonna be part of the solution.
Yeah, bro.
It's a bit of an adjustment, but you got this.
So that's why you have your guard dog handing out clear backpacks.
Yep, and if he pulls this one off, he's got a lot of other ideas.
You know, for such an insecure man, he sure has a lot of thoughts about security.
Clear backpacks.
Yeah, that should solve the educational crisis in America.
Good.
Good, looking good.
Hey, check it out, Tony.
It's a peeping Carlos.
The only guy too unlikable to work for airport security.
Books, good.
Calculator, good.
Hernandez, bad.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, bro, is it just me or does he look like Los Defensores? - He does.
- Right? [BOTH.]
Dos-dos-dos-dos-dos-dos-dos.
Bro, I was thinking about what Abby said.
And I know you have that empty unit in your building Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! Absolutely not, man.
I know what you're thinking.
What am I thinking? That you'll come and hang out with Abby by pretending to hang out with me.
- Wow, you get me.
- Uh-huh! Come on, bro.
She needs a new place.
Why not? Because, man, after a long day at work, the last person I wanna see is a coworker.
But it won't be just her.
I'll be there too.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Aw! That makes it even better.
Seriously, bro, you're gonna turn my living room into the faculty lounge.
I need my alone time! Great.
You go out, then it'll just be me and her.
I'm gonna need your Netflix password.
Yeah.
That's what the ladies don't love, is "stolen cable and chill.
" [ALL CHANTING.]
Hey-hey, ho-ho, clear backpacks got to go! [COMPUTER.]
Have got to go.
Wow, what've we got here? A protest.
Ah, did you guys come up with this all on your own? We're just basically doing what you told us to do.
- Viva Iglesias! - [CROWD.]
Viva Iglesias! Hey, no, no, no.
Totally uninvolved Iglesias.
If anybody asks, I wasn't involved either.
And if they come to put microchips in us, I'm ghost.
[CHUCKLES.]
Relax, Lorenzo.
I think you're good.
Really quick, you guys.
I just gotta tell you how proud I am of all of you.
You're not just learning history, you're living it.
Even Walt! I need a moment.
We're standing up for our beliefs.
And also missing geometry.
Win-win! [ALL CHANTING.]
Hey-hey, ho-ho, clear backpacks got to go! [COMPUTER.]
Have got to go.
Mr.
Iglesias, did you put them up to this? If I did, it was by teaching them American history.
Very well, apparently.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't wanna toot my own horn, but, uh, toot-toot! Not only are your students violating the clear backpack ordinance, they're blocking an exit! Yeah, I don't love navigating a teenage mosh pit to get back to my office.
Well, I'm not an English teacher, but this does not look like the definition of "running smoothly.
" They don't like the clear backpacks, that's how you know it's a good idea.
You know what's even a better idea? [SHOUTS.]
Back to class! Yes, ma'am.
No, we're not giving up without a fight.
Yes, ma'am.
"Hasta la victoria siempre," Che Guevara.
Uh, "Give me liberty or give me death," Patrick Henry.
"I shot the sheriff," Bob Marley.
Go, Raiders! Lil' Puppet! Nice sign, Miss Fuentes.
I think it's pretty good for a crappy library printer.
By the way, we're out of toner.
Che Guevara may look good on a protest sign or a hippie's T-shirt, but as a Cuban-American, I promise you, he was as misguided as you are.
Pay no attention to him, he's just mad 'cause he can't rock a beret.
Both of you, my office, now.
[SHOUTS.]
Back to class! Hey, you guys, I think we got 'em right where we want 'em, okay? Let's keep this going.
Hey-hey, ho-ho, clear backpacks got to go! Carlos, I cannot have Brokechella camping out in front of my office.
They won't.
The fire hose reaches the bullpen.
I measured.
Let me rephrase.
If you don't take care of this right quick, you'll have 1,000 business cards that make no sense.
Just out of curiosity, who do you give your business cards to? I'll have you know I was picked twice out of Denny's free-lunch fishbowl.
When you sold me on your jackass plan, you didn't tell me a protest came with it.
These kids already have one unexcused absence today.
If they miss two more classes, I'm suspending them.
You can't do that to them on the first day of school.
They'll fall behind.
Yeah, and if they fall far enough behind the rest of the herd, I can pick them off, one by one.
They're students, not boogers.
[ALL CHANTING.]
My backpack, my choice! My backpack, my choice! And one step closer to suspension in five, four, three, two Hold up, stop the clock.
It's time for class.
Well, look who it is, the Pep Boys.
Manny, Moe, and Jack-in-the-box.
Mr.
Gomez, Mr.
Trujillo, what are you guys doing here? We're helping Mr.
Iglesias.
- Why? - Because we like him! And we're kinda "meh" on you.
And pretty much anywhere these brilliant teachers go becomes a classroom.
So now you can't mark them absent.
Uh, don't mark me anything.
I don't wanna be on the list.
That's how they get ya.
Who's "they"? [CHUCKLES.]
Nice try.
Very clever, Mr.
Iglesias.
You've bought them more time, but I have not yet begun to fight.
I imagine when you do, there'll be a lot of clawing, scratching, and crying.
Precisely.
Okay, kids, who here can say "photosynthesis"? Not me.
Best part of this protest was missing class.
I'm out.
Well, let's be honest.
Walt lasted a lot longer than we thought he would.
[COMPUTER.]
Photosynthesis.
I am so excited to move into Gabe's building.
Are you sure he's cool with it? Are you kidding? It was his idea.
Oh! I'll have to find a way to thank him.
It was kinda my idea first.
And it won't go unrewarded, with scones! - Scones? - Yes! That way, you'll be in the friend-scone.
Well, I am buttery and delicious.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Okay, I just saved my protestors an unexcused absence.
Thanks, Gabe.
Oh, well, don't thank me yet.
You know, we still have a standoff.
No, I'm so excited about this next chapter in our lives.
What do you mean "chapter"? What are you talking about? Abby's taking you up on your offer.
We're gonna be next-door neighbors! [LAUGHING.]
That's great.
[SILENTLY MOUTHING.]
It sure is! [CHUCKLES.]
What did you do, bro? Bro, listen, if all goes according to my plan with Abby, we won't be bothering you much.
What plan? Look - I offer her my truck to move - Okay.
she sees these Aztec pythons in a tank top Mm-hmm? little flex while carrying her stuff, she falls in love, we're out the friend zone, driving up the coast to Montecito.
Yeah.
Despacito, Montecito.
Hey, guys.
We're standing strong in hour three at Wilson High on behalf of every student in America.
[COMPUTER.]
Three of whom are watching.
No, two.
Now it's just me.
Hey, man, what what are you doing? Have you never heard of facial recognition software? You just uploaded my image to the black helicopters in the sky.
Oh, my God! Well, damn.
I lost signal.
Looking for this? No.
Why, what is it? It's the router.
I'm sure you're wondering, "Why, oh, why is there no Wi-Fi?" [COMPUTER.]
No, you can't do that.
The Internet is my best friend.
Then I guess you should know, the Internet is seeing other people.
A-boom! What's the matter? Cat got your keyboard? A-boom! [PANTING.]
Mr.
Hernandez! Yo, what's happening? She's She's talking.
Shh! Let her go.
I used to have that haircut.
[CHUCKLES.]
Then my mom got a job.
Excuse me? Did I stutter? Wow, Grace.
You should talk in public more often.
You're great at it.
A-boom! Dang, Mr.
Hernandez.
Your meanness cured Grace's social anxiety.
And my meanness can ban the Fortnite club.
- [SCOFFS.]
You wouldn't do that.
- Try me.
I just killed Grace's best friend.
Sorry, Marisol.
It's not worth the risk.
Don't think less of me? Believe me, I couldn't.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
[WHINING.]
I've never seen Mikey so scared before.
Let me guess, you threatened to ban Fortnite club.
Marisol, it's over.
A one-person protest is just loitering.
Well, that dance craze is over.
Um, no, it's not.
People still dub.
It's actually, uh, "dab.
" And that explains that.
Tell me what democracy looks like! This is what democracy looks like! Oh, Carlos.
It looks like you didn't do what I told you to do and end this protest.
Close, but no security czar.
Maybe next year.
That means never.
Paula, seriously? It's just Marisol, it's one, it's Okay, look, the backpacks are non-refundable.
- Can we just keep those, please? - [PAULA.]
Fine.
But this is the last of your dumbass ideas.
Okay, what about no locks on the lockers? I'll think about it during Zumba.
Oh, who am I kidding? Alejandro is teaching.
I will not be thinking about school.
Marisol, you won! You did it! What are you talking about? We still have to wear these.
So? You have nothing to hide.
They're not so bad.
No, you don't get it.
It's not just about a clear backpack, Mr.
Iglesias, it's what it represents.
Yeah, I know.
What does it represent? It's the presumption of guilt.
Do you think kids at rich schools have to wear these? No.
Because their school trusts them.
Right.
And our school is saying, "Hey, we know you're just minding your own business, but, uh [LOUDLY.]
do you live in this neighborhood?" [MARISOL.]
Yeah, exactly.
You know, living your whole life with everyone thinking you're always about to do something wrong takes a toll.
But what does it matter? I'm the only one left.
No.
[SIGHS.]
No, you're not.
You got me.
- Walt? - Mm-hmm.
Every great relationship started as friends.
Ross and Rachel, Chandler and Monica, Tom Selleck and one of them.
Abby and somebody other than you.
She is no match for my Latino heat.
She's no match for you, that's for sure.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yo, Abby.
Since you're gonna be moving, thought maybe you might need a strong pair of arms to help you.
And I thought maybe afterwards, you know, - we can go hang - Aw, Tony, you know what I love about you? You are so genuine.
It's nice to have a supportive male friend with no ulterior motive.
That's right.
Just a helpful friend, looking to do nothing but platonic things to you I mean, with you.
You're amazing.
I'll leave the key under the mat.
Wait Wait, what, what? All my boxes are labeled, and there are a lot of them.
So, lift with your legs, and I'll see you when I get back.
Back? Back from where? Oh, I'm going to Joshua Tree to take a sound bath in the Integratron.
That is the whitest thing I've ever heard.
I am so excited to meditate to see if I can get the universe to send better things my way.
It already has! Thank you, universe, for sending me such a strong, sincere friend who clearly picks up on signals.
Oh, and you'll need the key to my storage locker.
That's where my piano is.
How long do you think we'll have to be out here before they give in? I don't know.
The pipeline protest at Standing Rock lasted ten months.
- At least they stopped it, right? - Oh, no, it's up and running.
But don't worry, you and I will figure out a way to get Carlos to give in on the backpacks.
[SIGHS.]
How? You have any ideas? No, but I know somebody who could help.
A very wise man who never checks his text messages.
Uh, just because I don't respond don't mean I'm not reading your 15 damn text messages.
[GRUNTS.]
We're still protesting the clear backpacks.
Hey, love a good protest.
Keeps my blood to pumping.
Well, I wouldn't call this a good protest, Mr.
Hayward.
It's just the two of us.
Well, a protest doesn't derive its power from numbers, it gets it from the worthiness of its cause.
You know, a very wise young lady taught me that these backpacks represent a presumption of guilt.
Yeah.
Some kids get to enjoy a presumption of innocence.
Ah, that sounds fun.
Yeah.
Stays with them from high school all into college.
Sometimes, all the way to the Supreme Court.
Well, how do we convince Hernandez that we deserve presumption of innocence? Well, a protest is really just a negoti ation.
- What is this? - Oh, that's hers.
You win when you find your opponent's Achilles' heel.
And when he goes to protect that, you break his arm.
He misses the '60s.
[IMITATING TONY MONTANA.]
All right, well, I'm gonna say hello to my little friend.
Principal Hernandez.
No.
[CHUCKLES.]
I won't hold for the governor.
Tell Trying out the big girl chair, huh? It's only a matter of time.
I know you think you've won, but when Paula sees the effectiveness of these backpacks, she'll want to implement my entire program.
Look, Carlos, you clearly don't understand what it's like for a first-generation Latina growing up in this country.
I've seen Selena.
[CHUCKLES.]
Twice.
Look, these kids live with a lot of fear, so presumption of guilt kinda triggers them.
But I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that growing up in uh, Cuba.
Are you kidding me? Presumption of guilt is in my DNA.
In Cuba, El Comité would just waltz into your house to see if you were following Castro's rules.
And I'm sure those rules were perfectly reasonable, right? What? No.
They would just walk in, take whatever they wanted.
My father had to swallow his pride and my mother's wedding ring.
It took us a damn week to get that ring back.
We all took shifts looking for it.
Sweet story.
So, basically, growing up in Castro's Cuba was a lot like living in a clear backpack.
[CHUCKLES.]
Iglesias, no, no, no, no, no.
This is completely different.
I am doing this for the security of everybody.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what Fidel said to Che, you know.
[IMITATING CASTRO.]
Oye, coño, we take away their rights, we keep them safe.
By the way, do I have a platanito in my beard? So, I'm the Comité in this story? If the shoe fits, coño.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
You must feel terrible.
I'm gonna leave you alone with your conflicted thoughts.
Now, of course, when we were marching, we didn't have Fitbits.
No, we had to count our own damn steps.
- [MARISOL.]
How'd it go? - [SIGHS.]
We'll know soon.
Well, the day's over.
You must have somewhere to be.
Actually, no.
We're thinking about upping our demands.
Taco Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Carlos, are you gonna get these fools out of my bullpen? No.
Um, I've changed my mind.
I'm I'm with them now.
What the hell do you mean? Sounds like he's joining our protest.
You don't have to join the protest, dummy.
You can just call off the whole backpack thing.
I know.
It's my first protest.
I just wanna know what it feels like to be on the right side.
Can we do a chant? Sure.
[PAULA.]
Huh? - Oh - [RAY.]
Um [BOTH CHANTING.]
Hey-hey, ho-ho, clear backpacks got to go! Hey, get together for the yearbook picture.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[SIGHS.]
So, while I was fighting for my kids' rights to privacy, [GRUNTS.]
you were fighting to take mine away.
- Thanks, bro.
- Anytime, buddy.
I still can't believe you did this to me.
[SIGHS.]
To you? - I did all the heavy lifting.
- I was the one under the piano! The hard part's over, and now you have an awesome neighbor.
Yeah, a super friendly neighbor who I also work with.
Dude, I'd rather live next door to a serial killer.
At least they keep to themselves.
I'm sure you'll barely know she's there.
[WARM-UP PLAYING ON PIANO.]
Who doesn't love the piano? [ABBY SINGING FAINTLY UPSTAIRS, SINGS HIGH NOTE.]
I see what you're doing.
You're trying to get me to start drinking again.
No way, bro.
I would never do that.
But let me know when Cool Gabe comes back.
[CHIMES JANGLING.]
Hey, Gabe-bor.
[MOUTHING SILENTLY.]
When it comes to chimes, shells or bells? [CHIMES JANGLE LOUDLY.]
Bro, please do something about this.
I like shells, personally.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]