Mulligan (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Thank you all for coming.
Let me just
Um Ugh.
Okay. Obviously, my administration
has been rocking ass.
We've given everybody
a bunch of whale juice,
thanks to First Lady Lucy.
Whales are the lanterns of the sea.
Mm-hmm.
Also, our military's continuing
to clear the streets
and safely dispose of any and all Dasani.
Plus, we did a census.
A grateful nation thanks, you know,
Hat and Glasses over there.
There are now 1,132 people left on Earth.
And check this out.
It's, like, two chicks for every dude.
You know, statistically speaking.
I hope you had fun
with that bachelorette party.
Too bad because I didn't.
They made me do a dance
to get my hat back.
My administration
is already using these datas
to better serve you guys,
which is why there is a party
at the White House later,
and ladies will drink for free.
No further questions. Thank you.
What a scoop!
Hey, guys, breaking news!
The president said
a party's happening at the White House!
There was a banner and everything!
There's a party!
Hey, is that Cartwright LaMarr,
or did Jane Lynch melt?
The aliens could not take away
your raffish wit, Mr. Zhao.
But Jane Lynch did indeed melt
on live television.
Damn, that sucks.
Push, Coleman.
All right, I'm ready
for some wining and dining, C.L.,
so please tell me Vegas survived.
I'm afraid Vegas got blowed up
along with the rest of the world.
May what happened there
forever stay there.
But our fair district
can provide entertainments
befitting a man of your stature.
You know,
thanks to the untimely 'splodin's
of Messrs. Bezos and McDuck,
you are now the richest man in the world.
You hear that, ladies?
You've all been secretly trying to poison
the richest man in the world.
I'll have 'em bring my car around.
Jasper, Banjo, Willy, Myrna, Moose,
Beamer, Buckley, Reggie, Dash, Stumpy,
Nibbles, Gator, Rascal, Snowy,
Dexter, and Bullet, come on!
Yeehaw!
Mush.
General, I want you to requisition
all available booze from the city.
I've got a valid ID.
But why would anyone card a 53-year-old
who lives at 130 Calvert Street?
Yeah, what would be the point of that?
TOD, get us as many shelf-stable dips
as you can find.
I don't care what you have to do.
Berserker Mode activated.
I think a party's a great idea.
People deserve a night to just let loose,
maybe kiss someone,
invent a dance
that starts off embarrassing,
but then everybody does it
and they call it The Lucy.
I got invited to a party once,
but it turned out it was a bet.
I just want one night
where nothing explodes,
or turns to goo, or that happens.
Oh, not again!
Look, no one likes a party pooper.
Who told you that story?
Ah, shouldn't have said that.
But is this really the best use
of our limited resources?
- I mean, we've got to do something
- Yawn.
about these alien corpses.
Maybe it's gases cooling in their bodies,
but at night, they scream.
Shut up!
Good, yell at 'em. That'll help.
But I gotta have a party.
I mean, presidents throw ragers
when they take office, right?
Back me up here, history buddy.
Andrew Jackson opened up the White House
and served kegs of whiskey.
But the place got trashed,
so I think it'd be best
if we learned from those past mistakes
You said it, kid.
We gotta outdo Hugh Jackman's party.
Oh, and hey, Braun, I have
a very important science job for you.
Yeah, if this is about putting sunglasses
on the moon, I'm looking into it.
I need you to clean Axatrax's cube thing.
It smells like butt.
I don't want people
at the party puking, ya know?
Except for party reasons.
Oh, make sure you science real good
around the dump bucket.
Glad to hear you're, um, cool
with people hooking up at this party,
'cause I plan to do a lot of that,
and I hope it doesn't make you jealous.
Nope. That's our deal.
I just want everyone to have fun,
including you.
Great. Yeah, if you're cool with it,
I am cold with it.
Freezing even.
I'm exhibiting the classic signs
of hypothermia.
My fingers are black,
and I'm getting drowsy.
They're not gonna find me till spring. Ha!
Mmm! This tastes terrible,
but I don't care.
I've been eating nothing but manatee
for the last week.
You know I love
to scratch your back, Johnny,
but I find backscratching to be
far more pleasurable when it's mutual.
Well, I've got some real long fingernails.
Oh!
And I've got one itchy back.
I'm pumped to see what you've got planned.
Our partnership has been very profitable.
That is one open factory.
I love this country!
Well, that was nothing.
I've been a busy boy in the Senate,
deregulating both willy and nilly.
Goodbye, big government.
It's just a teeny, tiny
little government now.
It can fit in your pocket.
Hey there, little guy.
Why, you're just about the cutest
little government I ever done seen.
- Yes, you are.
- Let me hold him.
What? No, I was just doing
a fun there, Johnny.
The point is, we are on the precipice
of true, unfettered capitalism.
Why, with my access and your money,
the world will be our gooey, gooey oyster.
Wait, money?
You don't think you're paying
with money, do you?
Oh, but I insist. Times are tough.
No, I mean, we don't accept money.
You can't eat it or wear it
Don't accept money?
What in God's gravy are you talking about?
Yeah, there's prices on the menu.
Those refer to kisses.
And you owe 320.
Chug! Chug! Chug!
- Yeah, I played a little semipro ball.
- Whoo!
Single-A Rockport Sea Pigs.
People wanted to change the mascot,
but it was based
on a real wharf prostitute.
I mean, it's honoring her.
You boys like to party? Oh no, not again!
What's zup? Care to, uh, introduce me?
Oh yeah, Simon, um, there actually
is someone I want you to meet.
Good thing I've been practicing
my conversation starters.
What do you ladies think
is the worst crime?
Here she is.
Look, everyone,
Simon's in love with a book.
What's wrong with loving a book?
Oh my God, he admitted it.
- That was, like, so funny.
- I know, right?
Did Lucy see?
Huh!
Just a little housewarming gift.
It's a bowl.
That is classy. Thank you.
I'll go put some shelf-stable dips in it.
Missed you at the cabinet meeting
this morning, pal.
Cabinet meetings are beneath us now.
You see, it occurred to us that since
every other English person is dead,
us am now king.
Oh, you think you're better than me?
Yes, we are God's
Anglican emissary on Earth.
We are also your DJ.
We do hope you like white guys rapping
over drum and bass.
I really do, a lot.
I apologize for the mess.
It's quite hot down here,
and I've been molting more than usual.
Oh, I'm used to messes.
I have two young boys.
And in the '90s, I did an internship
at Lockheed in their Rocketeer division.
Well, I'm sure you would much rather
be upstairs at the human mating ritual.
Yeah, I think maybe
my mating days are behind me.
Turns out there are now
two women for every man.
But with your obvious intelligence,
don't you get to dictate
when and how you are fertilized?
Wow, welcome to Earth.
No, men here feel threatened
by a smart woman.
And once they put you in that box,
that's where you stay.
They find you threatening
and put you in a box.
What's that like?
I've always loved science.
My first crush was Bunsen Honeydew
from the Muppets.
But then I met him,
and he was really mean.
Fascinating. Women do that every month?
How long do you get
to stay home from work?
- Zero days, and you can't even mention it.
- Ugh.
I'd have to say my favorite movie
is The Shape of Water.
It's about a woman
who works in a lab and falls for a
Nothing.
It's about a woman in a lab and a nothing.
Well, it sounds wonderful.
Sir, we need to discuss
an urgent matter of monetary policy.
Pass. Smell you never.
Are you sure?
'Cause I was just about
to give you a whiff
of the richest man in the world.
The Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase?
No. Sir, a million dollars
is not a lot of money.
And it's not a wrestler
from the '80s, man.
It's me, Johnny Zhao,
your new biggest donor.
Whoa, that's more money
than I've ever seen.
And me and some guys once robbed
the props truck from the movie, The Town.
Uh-uh, guys, no work.
And no talking about Ben Affleck movies.
But how great is it
that there'll never be another one?
Luce, I'm gonna make it rain.
- Ah, crap.
- I didn't realize people still used money.
Well, don't you
just steal the shine from a penny.
Actually, she's right.
- Floor Man!
- Sorry, my book fell.
During the census,
Dr. Braun and I discovered
the country is largely operating
on a barter economy.
Like, I got these Bagel Bites
by showing a nice man my feet,
and when pizza's on a bagel,
you can eat pizza anytime.
So I thought that was a good deal.
Feet, kisses, foot kisses,
that's the new currency.
Mr. President, this is precisely why
you need to make a strong statement
in support of the dollar,
or else, well, Japan will eat us alive
if it weren't
just a hole in the ocean now.
Yeah, I don't know, dude.
I mean, what's money ever done for me?
Growing up, we couldn't even afford
the splitter to steal cable.
I'm ten years old, faking my way
through conversations about Arli$$.
- Maybe we're better off without money.
- Better without money?
America runs on money.
America runs on Dunkin'.
But we need a national currency.
That's how it's always been.
Is that right, chief?
No, the US didn't have
a national currency until the Civil War.
Executive order. Money is dumb.
Hey, guys, no one needs money anymore!
What in wheelbarrow?
Alien tissue samples.
Did you know Axatrax molts?
Like Jane Lynch on Kids' Choice Awards
turn into puddle?
No, TOD, molt.
Norepinephrine levels elevated.
Why hormone spike?
Oh, that? No, I was just talking.
With someone. A guy.
TOD thought doctor gave up on men.
Oh, I did, but he's not a man.
I mean, not your typical man.
Whatever. I like talking to him, okay?
I mean, he's not my soulmate.
TOD had soulmate once?
attractive,
but a guy like Simon looks nice
TOD, are you even listening?
Huh? Yes. Guy.
Wow, even you can't be bothered
to pay attention.
Humans I mean, men.
Was TOD a man?
You get up in my face
I drop you like this bass ♪
That's where the bass drops.
We need electricity.
Mr. Zhao Johnny, wait, please.
This is just a minor little baby hiccough.
"I'm LaMarr. I got plans. I'm sneaky."
"Oh wait, I forgot to make sure
money still matters."
"I'm dumb."
That's what you sound like.
Oh, please, Johnny
Ah! They're burning money?
Ugh!
This is what I get
for working with a vice president.
It's like Cheney all over again.
Access doesn't matter
if the main guy just wants to paint
doggies in the bathtub.
I need a drink.
What? What? Get noisy ♪
Oh goodness, I do beg your pardon,
Mr. Rooster.
I'm clumsier than a virgin
on his wedding night
trying to shimmy out of a bathroom window.
- Knock, knock.
- Well, this is a pleasant surprise.
I realized I did all the talking earlier.
And there's so much
I wanna know about you.
For science.
Such an inquisitive mind.
You know, on Cardi-B,
brains are appreciated
the way humans appreciate butts.
I'd like to hear more about that planet.
I could tell you, but there could be
a way for me to show you.
My species is capable
of a kind of mind-meld.
But it only works if there's
a strong emotional connection
between the two participants,
along with intense
uninterrupted eye contact.
Anything for science.
Let me show you my world ♪
Aboard this coal-powered Gorp craft ♪
Tell me, Doctor ♪
Is it odd to see our mountains mutate? ♪
Coal fuels all of our stuff ♪
Our trees, they will try to eat you ♪
Massive work slugs ♪
Our pee's blue ♪
This part's too hard to translate ♪
Chack-ack-ack-skree ♪
Your birds have millions of eyes ♪
Chack-ack-ack-skree ♪
You guys also have jean shorts ♪
I'll take you there someday ♪
We'll find a way ♪
To get some coal
To fuel my landing craft ♪
You'll love my world ♪
I love your world ♪
Chack-ack-ack-skree ♪
Chack-ack-ack-skree ♪
We'll see it all ♪
It's always fall ♪
- On Cardi-B ♪
- On Cardi-B ♪
Mmm.
No, we can't do this.
Axatrax, say something.
Ugh!
Goddamn it!
Bunsen Honeydew was right about me.
Well, thank you very much, sir.
Oh, we're doing sarcastic thank-yous?
Thank you for interrupting.
You have made
a non-corned beef hash of my plans.
I'm sorry. Mr. President, Mrs. Rooster.
That guy's, like, my butler.
Oh, that chandelier
was lovingly restored by James Buchanan
and his companion
William Rufus DeVane King.
Oh no, is Professor Dorkington
worried the party is too awesome?
Ah, he's so pissed.
You're hilarious.
So would you like to see
the Situation Room?
Maybe make it the Adult Situation Room?
But aren't you, like,
married to that Lucy lady?
Yeah, but the First Lady is cool with it.
Rap, rap, rap ♪
And I'm so cold, they're gonna cut
my toes off at the hospital. Let's go.
I like to rhyme hip-hop
Like horses go clip-clop ♪
At Newmarket, Aintree
Cheltenham, and Ascot ♪
What? ♪
Hey, everyone, it's a new dance.
Do the First Lady.
Yeah, everybody, do The Me!
Mr. Zhao Johnny, what if the president
were to become incapacitated,
and then I, I say I,
became president of these United States?
Hmm.
Come on, Simon.
No upside-down smiles tonight
unless you're that guy the aliens
did all those experiments on.
Uh, I can hear you!
I'm so mad at Matty.
He makes me just wanna pick up a rock
and polish it
until it's beautiful and shiny.
Or maybe I'm just mad at myself.
Because you bought that hat?
Because I'm doing what I always do.
My whole life, I've let jocks like Matty
take advantage of me.
When they need my brain, they're all,
"Thanks, you're the best."
But the second other people are around,
I'm nothing but a jape to them.
A jape!
Santayana said, "If we don't know history,
we are doomed to repeat it."
But I do know history,
and yet I just keep making
the same mistakes.
Hey, I love Santana,
especially his stuff with Rob Thomas.
Looks like someone's
cooler than they thought.
Ugh! The Shape of Water sure romanticizes
falling in love with a lab creature.
Thanks, Hollywood.
Love. TOD knew love once.
Earth to TOD!
Wow. Sure, I listen to everyone else's
stories and problems,
but no one listens!
I listened to Axatrax.
I listened to the whole song.
There was a song? When?
I think I know where he's going.
Pigeon I accidentally stepped on?
Stepped-on pigeon, anybody?
Great party. I haven't thought once about
how my husband got crushed
by the Washington Monument.
What husband?
Whoo-hoo!
Boy, that president of ours
sure is one hellion.
Why, he's in the Red Room right now
with a constituent
who is not his first lady.
Their tongues look like
two Cherrystone clams
in a pot of Frogmore Stew.
I do wish he'd be more discreet though.
If the young lady's short pants
are to be trusted,
she appears to be
the property of a Rooster.
Huh?
- Door kick!
- Uh-oh.
Hey, pal, kinda
in the middle of something here
You and me, outside, now!
Kill him, Rooster.
Uh
- Going somewhere?
- Hey, there you are.
After our mind-meld,
I was like, "Where's Farrah?" And
How did you find me?
I knew you needed coal
to power your landing craft.
Stupid informative song.
And, thanks to a truly terrible
field trip with my kids,
I knew that the Capitol Power Plant
was the only place
within 100 miles that would have any.
So I followed you right to your only means
of escaping Earth.
You are a remarkable creature.
- What if you came with me?
- Oh.
I know you have no reason to trust me,
but the connection we had
- It doesn't matter.
- It's all that matters.
I can take you away from all this, Farrah.
I can take you to Cardi-B.
Let me see it again.
Chack-ack-ack-skree ♪
The mountains are square now ♪
Chack-ack-ack-skree ♪
They're covered in hair now ♪
And if you come with me ♪
TOD, now!
Clever girl.
Hey, were you gonna brain me with a rock?
What? No.
Rocks are a delicacy on my planet.
Mm-mm!
Ugh.
They're so good here.
I think it's the water.
You gotta help me.
That guy's gonna kill me.
- Then don't fight him.
- I have to.
If I don't fight, I'll look like a you.
And, I mean,
have you seen yourself? It sucks.
No, I'm done.
I'm done bailing out the cool guys
just so they can treat me like garbage.
Please.
This was supposed to be the party
where I don't get the crap
kicked out of me.
What are you talking about?
Dude, I was never the cool guy.
I was the jerk who crashed the party,
got hammered, and then got thrown
in the river by some girl's brother.
The whole point of this party was
Wait! Where's everyone going?
I just stepped on another pigeon.
I want things to be different now, Simon.
So I cannot go out there
and get humiliated
in front of the whole damn country.
Uh
Look, if I do help you, it's not gonna be
how other presidents did it.
We have to break with the past,
so you're not just gonna
distract everyone by, say,
starting an unnecessary war
Yes, a war! That's a great idea!
But who can we have a war with?
Scat, scat, scrappity flap ♪
You are listening to a good scat rap ♪
Our old enemy, the hated British.
That was a long time ago.
They fought with us in both World Wars.
Exactly, they fought with us.
We're saying the same thing.
General?
What? I've had beers before.
I want you to fire a missile
at the British Embassy.
We're at war.
Ah!
I'm sorry I took advantage of you.
Well, I'm sorry
I let you eat that whole rock.
- No, you're not.
- Actually, I'm not.
But I was desperate.
Locked in that cube all day, all alone.
And now that TOD-209
has destroyed my landing craft
Die. Die. Die.
I'm stuck here.
Do you really have to put me back
in that hot containment unit?
The constant molting is quite painful.
Yeah, you know what's painful?
Vaginal birth.
That's where it comes out of?
- Fight! Fight! Fight!
- What the hell is going on?
I'm about to take
the "dent" from "president"
and put it in your face, pal.
Unless something huge happens
that distracts everyone. Right now.
Man, this is got a lots of buttons.
Who wants to bet on the fight?
Fifty kisses on the president.
Ugh, never mind. This is so stupid.
It is not even a party without two guys
fighting over a girl, right?
One time, my high school boyfriend
put a guy in the hospital
for hitting on me.
And it was his dad.
Cool. I went to prom with my grandma.
Oh crap.
Come on, General Scarpaccio, hurry up.
Thank you for your service.
So you know, the president is trying
to start a war with Britain
to get out of fighting this guy
because nothing ever changes.
Huh.
Mama, lock up your horn,
'cause someone's gone swoggled it.
Mr. President,
do you require assistance?
Not even. This guy's meat.
It really is not good for me
to be so close to this heat source.
Aw, is poor baby gonna molt?
Why don't you sing a song about it?
Sir, your norepinephrine levels are high.
Did you also fall in love with an alien?
- Shut up, TOD!
- Shut up, TOD!
Enough jawing.
Are we gonna do this or what?
Er
Hey, the alien is inventing a new dance!
Everyone do The Alien!
No! No, no, no, don't leave!
Why's it doing that?
Now that's what I call a home run.
Ah, "Run home." Shoot, it was right there.
Look away! This is private!
That's where it comes out of?
Oh sick.
Got it!
Worst war ever.
That was actually an easy one.
Yeah, maybe we should get Axatrax
out of that hot basement
so this doesn't keep happening.
But won't he run off?
A creature of his intelligence
knows there's no way off the planet.
Worst party ever.
And I once went to a wedding
where the bride rode in
on a regular orange tiger.
No. Remember when
we were all doing The Alien? That was fun.
Please, Axatrax was just ripping off
Patrick Dempsey's dance
in Can't Buy Me Love.
We're done, LaMarr.
I'm taking my talents to South Beach,
except South Beach
is just a glowing pit now,
which is an improvement.
Mr. President, your monetary policy
is positively insane in its very membrane.
However, I'm more than impressed
with how you handled
that sticky situation with Rooster.
A war on England.
I should've just fought him.
I mean, you see how scared he was of me?
Rooster? More like scaredy-bird.
Right?
Oh, chicken. Ah, damn it.
Well said, sir.
We may make a president of you yet.
Am I the only one who realizes
the significance of what happened here?
Tonight, we saw a US president
get out of trouble
in a way that has certainly
never happened before.
Which means
We did it different.
USA.
Huh, okay, baby steps.
What? No, this isn't a good thing.
My party ended up sucking.
And has that ever happened before?
No. Wow.
Take that, history.
You're never gonna happen again.
Guys, there was one more.
Yeesh. I forgot the moon was broken.
Thanks a lot, Axatrax.
Did I do that?
Urkel!
Why are you laughing at me?
- The molting strains
- my vocal cords.
- Oh, classic.
- Dork.
Oh.
We have a good time, don't we?
Let me show you my world ♪
Aboard this coal-powered Gorp craft ♪
Tell me, Doctor ♪
Is it odd to see our mountains mutate? ♪
Coal fuels all of our stuff ♪
Our trees, they will try to eat you ♪
Massive work slugs ♪
Our pee's blue ♪
This part's too hard to translate ♪
Chack-ack-ack-skree ♪
Your birds have millions of eyes ♪
Chack-ack-ack-skree ♪
You guys also have jean shorts ♪
I'll take you there someday ♪
We'll find a way ♪
To get some coal
To fuel my landing craft ♪
- You'll love my world ♪
- I love your world ♪