My Family (2000) s01e03 Episode Script

- Do you know who that is? - No, I don't, actually.
One minute I turned my back and the next, there he was! Bang! Sprung up like a fungus.
He is Lord Whitten, champion of organic farmers everywhere.
Whereas to me, he's simply lost filling with receding gums and breath that could kill a horse.
As usual, Mr H, you're missing the point.
Lord Whitten's all-natural England Gala was in this week's Hello! And you're missing the point that time, whilst generally cruel, is also money and as we have two regular, scheduled patients outside and your job is dental assistant, assist me, OK? - Right, sit back and relax.
- Yes.
Kind of you to fit me in at such short notice.
Very efficient young girl.
Really? Did you give him Novocaine or gas? We've been in London for this soiree thrown by the missus and I lost a filling in a devilled egg - undoubtedly from a battery hen.
They get depressed in cages and lay eggs like rocks.
So I called around for assistance and you came up highly recommended.
It's always nice to be recognised in one's field.
Yes.
Just around the corner and cheap.
- How very flattering.
- No, that's important.
Just because I have a title, doesn't mean I'm made of money.
Everyone's always asking for something.
- Know what I mean? - Yes, I have three children.
- Don't start me on children! - I didn't.
Did you start him on children? No.
My son's with us on holiday.
I'm sure you'd love me to get a move on so you can rush back to his side.
No, I don't! He's at one of those arty schools.
The wife's a big believer in arty.
Even the gals are arty.
Hair growing everywhere, legs like grizzly bears.
Horrible.
So, shall we carry on? If you'd like to open wide and try not to let any words escape.
Can I just say that I was deeply, deeply moved by your pamphlet on the recycling of faecal waste.
- Really?! - Yeah.
Now this is the sort of girl my son should be meeting.
- Hm.
- Solid, natural.
Are we still talking faecal waste? So, my dear, is 17 too young for you? I'm sorry, I'm actually celibate this cycle.
Far too much information here.
No, no, no, you misunderstand.
It's purely innocent.
- Nothing about sex.
- Then what's the point(?) Anyone else hungry or shall we call out for sandwiches? - You have a daughter.
- No, I don't.
- Janey's charming.
- You don't live with her.
Is she a normal, teenage gal? That's a contradiction in terms.
No, I mean, does she have a pierced eyelid? - No.
- Nails in her neck? Not yet.
Has she clipped her personal topiary into the shape of a duck? I just hope I never find out.
Splendid, splendid.
Do you mind if I ask my son to give her a call? Jolly good.
You can carry on now.
You did what?! It wasn't my idea, for God's sake! - It was Brigitte's.
- Just deny all responsibility! I tried that when you were born.
It didn't work.
Oh! You may think this is funny but you've completely ruined my life! Ah.
- Who was that? - He's ruining my life.
- Your father.
- Do you know what he did? - Is this multiple choice or essay? - He set me up on a blind date.
- That's so - Repulsive? I was going to say "sweet".
Right.
Firstly, Dad has no judgment.
He wears socks with his sandals and he has hair in his ears.
It's very impressive that a human can carry such lush vegetation in their ears.
This is Dad we're talking about.
- Imagine the loser he'll pick? - Me.
So, what's that? This is Mozart's Don Giovanni, one of the greatest operas.
No, that, with the hole in the middle.
I just felt myself age 50 years.
Would take that thing out of here? OK.
Did your father say when he was coming home? - Hopefully never.
- Don't be rude.
So sorry! Daddy didn't say when he was coming home, he was too busy mucking up my life.
Much better.
You may not find this so sweet when I jump off Tower Bridge and get swept to sea.
Don't be so dramatic.
The Thames is an estuary, you'll probably be swept only as far as Barking.
Which, I believe, lacks some of the romance you'd want.
Isn't there another room you can go to? - I'm not bothering you.
- You're in my line of sight.
Don't take it out on me just cos Dad has to find you dates.
I don't need anyone to find me a date, especially with some posh git I'm supposed to drool over cos his dad's Lord Whitebum or something.
You mean Lord Whitten? "Enjoying a joke with his lovely wife Serena at Crufts.
" What have you got there? - There's a picture in Hello! - Yeah, right! Yeah.
- Oi! - Oh, my God! That's his son? He's absolutely gorgeous.
No.
I'll feed the children early.
Mum! He's absolutely gorgeous! Look.
Oh, very nice.
Is that Dad? I think Janey has something she wants to say to you.
Get off the phone, I have to call Maxine.
Don't! I was drawing that.
I call it Lonely Coat Stand.
Ah.
Now it's Useful Coat Stand.
- Get the hint? - Philistine.
- Cretin.
- Dentist.
Layabout.
Cool! My art's already controversial.
That's what you are now, is it? An artist? Yeah.
Do you think there's an afterlife, Dad? God, I hope not.
Cos I had this dream last night that Leonardo da Vinci popped in and said, "Nick, mate, I've two words for you - nude models.
" The Leonardo, that is amazing.
And those were his very words? "Nick, mate.
Nude models.
" Actually, it was, "Caro Nico, due parole: modelle nude.
" - I mean, he is Italian.
- I mean Course.
It's great being an artist.
You can work from home, you get to express your feelings.
- But you don't make any money.
- I'm a starving artist.
- You're home late.
- I know.
Bloody NHS.
I spend more time filling in forms than teeth.
Oh, poor baby.
- Hungry? - Not really.
The kids have already eaten and I've whipped up your favourite meal.
God! My favourite meal.
- Chinese takeaway.
- Oh, thank you! - Hm? - Just saying grace.
Well, we've a lot to be thankful for.
Yes.
One of the kids has left a spring roll.
Yes.
And you've made your daughter very happy.
- Really? - Yes.
She's out with young Whitten now.
But let her thank you herself.
And remember to act surprised.
- Can I gloat? - No.
Then what's the point in being right? Because you're a wonderful father and a thoughtful and generous husband.
What's the catch? Oh, there's no catch.
It's more a surprise.
A surprise.
This weekend the Baldwins have tickets to the opera.
Oh, I hate the Baldwins.
I don't like going out with them.
No, they can't go and they've given us their tickets.
See? That's why I hate the Baldwins.
Come on, you haven't been to the opera in 20 years.
Perhaps that's a clue.
But it's Don Giovanni, your favourite.
Never heard Don Giovanni! Maybe if you did, it would be.
I hate the opera.
It's always in Italian or worse - German! I never know what's going on and it's boring as hell.
- And I have a solution.
- Oh, no.
Opera! Libretto, with a complete translation, word by word, note by note.
- S - No! Don't interrupt! I have thought this through.
If you listen to the whole thing while reading along with the libretto, when we go to the opera, you'll know exactly what's going on.
Marvellous! I get to be bored out of my mind twice.
- Trust me in this.
- No.
What? Have you ever been disappointed when I've said, "Trust me"? Let's see, there's the truffles that turned out to be toadstools, there's the short cut through the safari park and there's the ever-famous, "My parents won't be home for hours".
- You do bear a grudge! - I also bear scars.
Come on, it's only three hours of your life.
That's the point, it's my life.
And as pathetic as it might be to some, it is still my life.
I have watched football with you, I've been to dental conventions and sat through lectures entitled Gingivitis - The Forgotten Plague.
And I never complained.
Do you know why? So you can throw it in my face at moments like these.
Because love means sacrifice.
Fine.
(# Woman singing in Italian) (Stops) Too big a sacrifice.
Whatever you're doing, stop it.
Don't move.
I'm nearly finished.
I'm drawing you.
I call it Atlas With World On His Shoulder.
Hm, really? Actually it's Nude With Chip On His Shoulder.
What do you mean, nude? What's this?! I couldn't afford a proper nude so I had to use my imagination.
Don't.
I look like Homer Simpson.
I paint what I see.
The next thing you paint will be my hands approaching your throat, now go away - and I haven't got a chip on my shoulder, I'm trying to keep this family afloat.
We're all behind you.
You're trying to drive me mad, your art and your mother's opera.
It's like we're a Renaissance family.
Yeah, the Borgias.
You know, your mother wants me to waste three hours of my life by listening to that.
So why don't you? Can't be any worse than doing that.
The way I see it is we're all gonna screw up whatever we do so why not screw up on the side of, "Why the hell not?" What really frightens me is you're almost making sense.
Great.
Can you give me the money to hire a proper nude? One with Instead of one with - Go away.
- Fine.
Fine.
You can crush the artist but not the art.
Crushing the artist works for me.
(# Soaring string section from Mozart: Don Giovanni) (Door opens) Hi, Janey.
(Ben) Hey! Hold on.
(Sighs) How'd it go? It was fine, Dad.
Really fine.
No, it was more than fine.
It was brilliant.
OK? In fact, it was so brilliant you should give up dentistry and start up a dating agency.
Now leave me alone! (Mouths) She makes opera sound rational.
Has this gone off? It's two days beyond the sell-by date.
I don't know.
Smell it.
Well, what if it smells bad? Then I get a bad smell in my nose.
Life is such a veil of tears.
Don't put it back.
We don't want it if it's off.
- Should I throw it out? - Not if it's still OK.
You give such mixed signals, Mother.
Thank you.
At least someone cares about me.
- You can drink it.
- Yeah? Cheers, mate.
- So, is it off? - A bit chewy.
Morning.
Have fun last night? - It was OK.
- Just OK? I don't want to talk about it.
Look at them grunting, they're such pigs.
Your brothers in particular or the entire male gender? Both.
They all make me ill.
Some of them are quite nice.
I remember all the feelings I had when I was first going out.
The thrill of the chase, what they kissed like, how I felt when I touched them.
Mum! God! I don't wanna end up in therapy.
It's just sex, boys.
Works every time.
Come on, it's just us girls, so tell.
Nothing to tell.
OK, I was just curious.
I'm here, you're here, no pressure.
Whenever you want to talk.
Oh, for God's sake! I only had a daughter to have these intimate moments! Give me something.
What do you want to hear? That dinner was nice? That he was a great kisser till he wouldn't stop? - Stop kissing? - What do you think? Oh, my God.
It's not an "Oh, my God".
It could have been, but wasn't.
What did you do? He didn't understand the word "no" so I used international sign language.
Palm to the jaw! We learnt it in PE.
Good Lord, all we learnt in PE was how to climb a rope.
What? In case the Vikings attacked? I will overlook that given the special circumstances.
I dealt with it.
End of story.
No, not of end of story.
He assaulted you.
And I assaulted him back.
Anyway, I shouldn't have got into the car.
Really? Listen, Janey.
When you went into that awful tattoo parlour and got that loathsome tattoo, which will be the subject of a different conversation - No.
I love my tattoo.
- OK.
But supposing you didn't? Suppose you went into the place, even chose the design, but then changed your mind.
What then? Would he have any right to go ahead anyway just because he'd already whipped out his little needle? Janey, it was in no way your fault and however you want to deal with it, I'm on your side.
Thanks, Mum.
How about a hug? - I don't need a hug.
- I do.
And that dreadful tattoo still has to go.
Ben.
Ben.
- Ben.
- (Groans) Are you sleeping? Mm-hm.
Are you planning on sleeping long? Mm-hm.
How much longer are you planning on sleeping? What? What is it? What do you want to tell me? OK, it's nothing.
You're clearly in a state.
Ah.
What sort of state is that? Clearly not the state of sleep or the state of peace and tranquillity, which I'll never attain till I'm in a state of death.
I'm not talking to you when you're in a mood.
Thank you.
Even though that Whitten boy tried to assault our daughter.
(# Dramatic chords from Don Giovanni) What? In the back of his father's Jag.
(# Dramatic orchestra) No! She's fine, though.
That's what you think, is it? No, Susan, this is droit du seigneur.
- Excuse me? - As in Don Giovanni when the lord of the manor had the right to take the virginity of any maiden in the realm.
You've been listening to Don Giovanni! No, I haven't, actually.
I was, erm - It's common knowledge.
- No, it isn't.
- Oh, you're so sweet! - I am not sweet.
I'm a father, I'm incensed.
Ben, please don't make a scene.
Damn right I'll make a scene.
A boy tries to assault my daughter, the little snot.
She feels she's handled it.
I don't care what she thinks she thinks, I'm her father.
I know what she thinks.
I wish I'd never woken you up.
Do you remember what the Commendatore did to Don Giovanni when he messed with his little girl? - He put a sword in the toad.
- No, it's other way around.
The toad killed the father.
- No, he didn't.
- Yes.
Right at the beginning.
That's why I hate opera.
Even when I read the instructions, I still don't get it.
- I'm gonna kill him.
- No! You can't do anything.
If you do, Janey'll know I told you.
- But you just did.
- You're not supposed to know! - Then why did you tell me? - Because I couldn't sleep.
Neither can I now.
But I feel a lot better.
Well, that makes it all worthwhile, then? Remember, if you do talk to her, act like you don't know anything.
I've had a lot of practice.
- (Knocking) - What? Hiya.
Erm l-I'm going down for a few biscuits, do you want anything? - No, thanks.
- OK.
Fine.
- What's that smell? - It's incense.
- It adds an aura of mystery.
- A bit like Mum's cooking.
(Laughs nervously) Right, it's been fun chatting.
See you.
So, erm, how was the date last night? Dad, I really have to work.
- What are you studying? - French.
I was good at French.
Zut.
Not bad, huh? Alors.
It was boring, all right? The meal was a bore, the film was a bore, he was a bore.
So, boring, eh? Can I say something about boys from the male perspective? Please, God, no.
Look, I-I've got to say this otherwise I won't get back to sleep.
Erm the thing is, there's two basic differences between men and women and, er, one is that girls mature very quickly and boys don't mature at all.
So they, to make up for this deficiency, develop two brains.
A big brain that gives us our reasoning and a little brain that tells us what to do.
- Am I making myself clear? - Disgustingly so.
You understand what I'm saying? What I don't understand is how Mum could tell you after I told her not to.
This is not your problem.
Yes, but you are my problem.
You see, you've been this bewildering, complex, little problem for 16 years.
And I don't think I'm gonna solve you.
- Really, Dad? - Yep.
I'm not quite sure what that means but I'll assume it's something good.
One more thing, when boys and girls reach a certain age Dad, I'm not a vir ery naive person.
(Squeaky voice) All right, so, erm By saying that you're not a vir ery naive person, you mean you're not very naive? - Yep.
That's what I meant.
- That's Great.
OK.
Good.
Good.
Susan.
Susan! - Hmm - Susan! Do you know what our daughter has just told me? That she was sleeping and you woke her up? No.
She told me she's not a vir ery naive person.
You don't know how completely mad you sound.
Our daughter is no longer a virgin.
And she told you this? Yes.
And you believed her? (Chuckles) Oh, no! Of course! Well, that's a relief.
- Good night.
- Good night.
(Ben still chuckling) You'll never guess who's in the waiting room.
Correct.
If you don't try, I won't tell you.
- Good.
- Lord Whitten's son.
(# Dramatic chords from Don Giovanni) - What? - He broke a tooth on something.
Yes.
My daughter's bra strap.
(# Dramatic orchestra) Wait a minute.
That boy tried to assault my daughter Janey! How could you let her go out with him? - Maybe I should call her.
- Don't do anything.
Ever again.
Oh, I promised not to say anything and there I go telling you.
Most men crack under the pressure of my interrogation.
You only said "What?" I know.
It's uncanny, isn't it? Send in the patient.
Come on, Harper, you're a professional.
You took an oath.
Signor.
- Thanks for seeing me.
- I'm surprised to see you.
Believe me, I didn't want to come.
But Father insisted and you know Father.
Oh, yes.
So, you have something to tell me.
Yes.
Can we get a move on, please? I'm in a hurry.
So, are we in much pain? - No.
- Hm, we'll soon see about that.
If you'd like to open wide, we'll have a little look.
Now does this hurt? Argh! Good.
Yes, a broken incisor.
We'll need 10cc of Novocaine, Brigitte.
So, I bet you have a wild story about how this happened.
Well, vaguely.
I was getting stuck into a rather bony little chicken.
- Bony little chicken? - Yes.
It was a tough little bird.
Not quite the quality I'm used to.
Right.
Syringe, please.
But you know Father, with all his blahdy-blah about natural, solid and plain.
And he calls the shots.
No, I'm afraid at the moment, I call the shots.
Now, if you'd like to open wide.
This won't hurt a bit.
Let's begin, shall we? Thank you.
Right.
It's showtime! - Wait! - Are we numb yet? No, you haven't given me my Novocaine.
Ah, good.
- Are we numb now? - No! Are you crazy? Don't you understand the word "no"? Me? Didn't you understand the word "no" when my daughter said "no"? What is he talking about? Don't play games with me, Toby.
I'm not Toby.
I'm James.
- You're who? - I'm James.
Toby's brother.
Oh Your father never mentioned a James.
He never mentions me at all.
I'm not natural enough for his all-natural England.
You don't eat organic? No, no, no, I'm gay.
Gays don't eat organic? Stop it! Let me get this straight, this bony little chicken didn't mean my daughter? No, it was a bony little chicken.
I am so sorry.
I am so confused.
It's enough I have to put up with my crypto-fascist father.
I'm away from home, away from my friends I don't know anyone in London.
Tell you what, James, Mr Harper has a son.
Well, my darling, you are really right.
That was worth every penny.
- We were given the tickets! - Even better.
I loved it apart from Zerlina's Wedding Feast, someone snoring in our row.
- I didn't hear anything.
- Because it was you.
I was resting my eyes.
And I don't snore.
I thought someone had escaped from the French horn section.
Good night.
It's been a lovely evening.
Of course, the evening doesn't have to end.
My parents won't be home for hours.
What did you have in mind? How about I'm the young maiden and you're Don Giovanni.
OK.
Are you gonna keep awake? The opera was three hours.
What about the overture and selected highlights? - If I choose the highlights.
- OK.
Night.