My Left Nut (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

1
MUSIC: Bang A Gong (Get It On)
By T.Rex
TURNS MUSIC DOWN
Look You know, you don't
have to go to Tommy's tonight.
We could stay in, watch a film.
I have to go. No, you don't.
You can just, you know, blame me.
Tell them I won't let you out.
I want to go.
OK.
And do they? You know, I mean,
have you told them about
My cancerous testicle?
No.
Look, I know it's scary, OK?
But God's looking out for us.
He wasn't looking out for Dad.
Look, I know you said you didn't
want to talk to a priest,
but I could still ask Father Donal
to have a chat with you.
'Does she know I'm dying?'
You know everything still might
be 100%, it could be fine -
it probably is fine - but he's
He is a really good listener.
Honestly, he really helped me
'Did the doctor tell her
something already?'
After your father died, you know.
We got through that,
and we can get through this.
'Shite.'
I can walk from here.
Don't be silly,
I'll drop you to the door.
I'm not dead yet.
Don't you say that, Michael!
That's not funny.
Right, I'm going to be
waiting up, OK?
So you watch yourself.
Don't be doing anything stupid.
I need you for that
fundraiser tomorrow.
What fundraiser?
For Motor Neurone Disease,
in the parish hall.
You never listen to a word I say,
do you?
Go on.
'Mum knows I'm going to die.
'She has to, or why would
she bring up all that stuff?
'Fuck it. Everyone dies.
'They just don't think about it.
'So I'll just put it out of my mind.
'This is going to be a big night.
'My last party with the lads.
'My last chance to get with Rachael.
'I'm not going to die a virgin.'
RINGS DOORBELL
'Giant ball or no giant ball.
'This is it. This is going to be
the best night ever.
'Let's do it! Let's fucking do it!'
Vol-au-vent?
Red, white, blue and orange.
Very Unionist colours
in Settlers of Catan.
Surprised your da lets it
in the house.
Lads, this is bollocks.
There's no drink!
Why is there no drink?
My cousin's bringing it.
He's on his way.
Well, when's he going to get here?
And where's everyone else?
Jesus, calm yer baps.
Rachael'll be here soon,
and my bedroom's always free.
Well, unless Conor's
giving Niamh a good buckin'.
Well, actually Niamh might
not be able to make it.
Surprise surprise!
And, anyway, I wouldn't buck her
in your room.
You've probably cameras hidden
so you can watch.
Aye, I've got videos of me
bucking your ma!
As if my ma would go near you
How can we have sex
without her seeing my ball?
I could just keep my trousers on.
No, don't think about it!
Mick.
Mick, what colour do you want to be?
Lads, I didn't come here
to sit around
playing Loyalist board games
all night.
DOORBELL RINGS
Thank fuck!
Big Dick Mick!
All right, Micky-boy.
Danny!
I didn't know you were coming.
Don't worry.
I'm not your sister's spy, Mick.
Whatever happens at the party,
stays at the party.
Let's go.
Come on, lads.
Cheers!
ALL: Cheers!
Let the party begin.
DANCE MUSIC
Let's just go for it. One, two
CHEERING
RAUCOUS CHATTER
THEY CHEER
Tommy. What?
They're here.
You ready, Mick?
Big time.
Rachael!
Hi, Mick.
You look amazing. Thanks.
Do you want a drink? Yeah.
Erm, do you have any cider?
Absolutely. Coming right up.
Come on.
Yeahhh!
You got a drink for me, buddy?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
I'll get mine myself then, will I?
Oh, shit, yeah. Sorry.
Down it, boy! Down it!
How about we go somewhere
a bit quieter - just us?
Yeah, I'd like that.
Cheers. Cheers.
Hey! Slow down.
Ah, shit. Shit.
Sorry.
Mick.
It's OK.
Breathe.
Just sit.
Yeah. Sorry.
OK.
So
Um You like me?
I thought that was obvious!
No, but, like, properly?
Like, actually like me?
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Good.
Because, you know,
I think I like you.
And you know how I've never done
anything before?
Well, I think I'd like to.
With you.
If you wanted?
'Can't let her see the ball!
'My horrible, giant, cancerous ball,
'which is going to kill me.
'God, she smells amazing,
and feels fuckin'
'And I'm going to die.
'Oh, my God, it's happening.
'I could do this forever.
'But I can't. This is it.
'Then it's over. Just death.
'And fuckin'nothing!'
I'm sorry, I can't.
You don't want this.
What? Yeah, I do. I like you.
I can't. It's not fair,
I should never have
What the hell, Mick?!
First you're all over me, and now
you're just pushing me away?
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
SHE SIGHS
LOUD MUSIC
What the hell, Mick?
Oh, come on, we're here to have fun.
Jesus Christ, Mick!
You guys are shit. Come on!
Piss off.
Siobhan. Would you stop telling
everyone I'm your girlfriend?
But we went out!
Once! And I only did that
cos Rachael wanted to get with
your stupid mate.
Whoa, whoa, where are you going?
You're pathetic, Tommy.
I can't even believe
I went on one date with you.
Out of my way.
Ah, just fuck off, Siobhan.
Don't talk to her like that.
What's your problem?
You're a prick, you know that?
Come on, Siobhan.
They're as bad as each other.
I really liked her.
Sometimes there's nothing
else you can do.
I just don't know
how to talk to girls.
Life's fucked.
Yep.
You'll be all right.
Aye?
You'll be going to
hundreds more parties.
You've got time to do anything
you want, Tommy.
Go to uni, drive a car,
get the ride.
Get a proper girlfriend,
go fuckin inter-railing!
You've got it all in front of you.
You're right, Mick.
Fuck 'em.
We'll be grand. Aye.
Are you all right?
Tommy, I don't know.
Mick?
I think I'm What?
I think I'm going to boke.
Ah, shit! The downstairs bog, Mick!
BANGING ON DOOR
Piss off! I'm having a poo!
Shit. Right, upstairs!
HE RETCHES
Out the front door!
Out the front
No!
SLOW MOTION: For fuck's sake, Mick!
Hey, stop taking photos.
Stop taking photos.
Come on.
Stop filming him!
Stop. Put that away!
Get up now.
Mick! Mick, get up.
We'll get you cleaned up.
Leave me alone.
Let's get you inside, Mick, come on.
Get off me!
What's wrong Mick? Why are you being
such a dick tonight?
I'm not a dick! Stop being a bitch!
ALL: Oooh!
You know what? Fuck you! I was
going to give you another chance,
but clearly I'm wasting my time.
No, Rachael Nah, Mick.
I'm done. Please!
I've got cancer!
Mick!
Mick! Where are you?
Mick?
KNOCK AT DOOR
Let us in, Mick.
Aye, come on.
Mick, open the door.
KNOCKS HARDER
Mick!
Look, we just want to talk to you.
Come on, we're your mates.
Mick?
Well?
Aye.
Cancer?
I don't know. Maybe.
Maybe?
I've got a swelling on my ball.
I was in for an ultrasound today.
They wouldn't tell me what it is.
It might be cancer.
It might be something else.
I don't know.
So you don't have a big dick?
Well, I mean, it's not tiny!
That's the best news
I've heard all week!
Do you have any idea how pathetic
we felt next to you
and your massive schlong?
THEY CHUCKLE
Why didn't you tell us?
I don't know.
Yeah. We would have been there,
like.
CRYING
Gis some bog roll.
Fuck's sake, like.
Making us cry!
Sorry.
You're not going to die, are you?
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
You don't need to be sorry.
You're right. I'm a dick.
You're not, Mick.
I'm sorry I said that.
Jesus, you might have cancer.
I should have told you.
Well, I know now.
Yeah.
You and everyone else.
Look, this is too much. I can't be
here. It's OK, Mick, it's
Come with me.
Jesus, Rachael! What the hell?!
Whoa, sorry!
Danny?
Mick, there's no point in telling
your sister about this.
Right, big lad?
Fuck you!
Fuck you, Mick! Fuck! Danny!
Mick?
For fuck's sake!
HE GROANS
BACKGROUND TV SOUND
LOUD KNOCK AT DOOR
Mrs Campbell? A-ha.
I believe this one's yours.
Jesus Christ!
Any chance you could look
a wee bit less hungover?
You're putting people off the cakes.
I'll try my best.
Look, I know you're going through
a lot with everything,
but getting blind drunk
is not going to help. OK?
I just don't want to die, all right?
Oh, these look lovely.
Finn, could you help this
gentleman, please?
Mick!
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah, I know. I stink!
Did you tell her? No.
She'll never listen to me.
All right? Jesus!
You look like you're on the run.
I'm absolutely dying.
Shit, no. Not like DYING dying.
It's grand.
Thank you all very much for coming.
Oh, shit.
There's a bin over behind Finn.
..wonderful housekeeper
and organiser of this event,
Patricia Campbell.
APPLAUSE
Da, we can't go in.
The priest is talking.
I don't care if the priest
is talking, Tommy!
Sorry, is everything OK down there?
What do you think you're doing,
vomiting all over my house?
Did you know there was
sick in the keyhole?
I had to poke it out with a coat
hanger. And the carpet's ruined.
Don't you talk to my son like that!
How dare you accuse him of anything!
Can't you raise your son properly?
And don't you question my parenting!
I am raising three kids on my own
and I'm doing it a damn sight
better than you.
What do you think you're doing,
leaving children in a house
on their own without coming back
to check on them?
You're lucky nobody died.
Now get out! Now!
Right.
Sorry about that, everybody
I can't believe your mum
stood up to a RA man.
For the last time,
my dad's not in the RA!
He definitely was.
He's a Protestant, for fuck's sake!
..will go to The Foundation
for Motor Neurone Disease.
Jesus, they'll let
anyone into the RA these days.
Hello. Right, I won't keep yous.
I just wanted to thank you all for
coming here today and helping us
raise money for the Foundation
for Motor Neurone Disease.
Erm, the support we got
from the parish
after Jimmy died was incredible.
And, erm, if it wasn't for that,
I don't think I could have
got through it.
When we got the news
that he was sick,
well
It was hard. It was hard.
You feel like you can't do anything.
You can't do anything but watch
your loved one in pain,
and you just want to protect them,
but you can't.
All you can do is
..support them and help them
in any way you can.
And that's what you've
all done here today.
And I know that Jimmy's up there,
and he would be so grateful for
all the kindness and support.
And probably calling me a fool
for getting a wee bit emotional!
So I'll just end it there, and
I just wanted to say So, yeah,
so thank you all. Thank you.
APPLAUSE
Do you want to go outside? Yeah?
Are you all right?
Yeah. Come here.
Get a room!
Come on, let's go back in.
No. I'm sorting this out.
You should listen
to your brother, you know.
Excuse me?
Danny cheated on you with
my best friend last night.
What? We saw them doing it.
And then Mick tried to stand
up for you, and Danny hit him.
No, I didn't.
It's all lies, Lucy, she's lying.
What the hell, Danny?
Are they telling the truth? No!
Did you hit my brother?
You're a scumbag,
hitting a boy with cancer.
Sorry. What?!
I've got a swelling on my testicle.
Me and mum,
we didn't want to tell anyone.
What do you mean, you
didn't want to tell anyone?
I'm your sister, for Christ's sake!
It got out last night at the party.
Wait, is that where you two
have been going? The hospital?
Look, Lucy,
don't be listening to this.
Oh, fuck off, Danny!
And don't come near me.
You're emotional, right?
Don't be getting
Fuck.
And you're a cheating prick!
And if you touch my brother again,
I'll rip your balls off.
Lucy, I'm just
What about us?
What about our tattoos?
The tattoos look shit!
Why didn't you tell me?
I'm sorry.
But you're going to be all right?
You're not, like
I mean, you'll be able to sort it?
I don't know. I find out next week.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Mick!
I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry!
It's OK.
It's all going to be OK.
Michael. Thank you for coming in.
So, we have your test results here.
The swelling on your
testicle is, um
'Cancer. It's cancer. Just tell me.
Just tell me I'm dead.'
Fluid. What?
What? What?
Fluid.
Must be about 400ml
by the looks of it.
Cancer fluid?
It's a hydrocele.
A what? What's that?
It's a build-up of fluid
in the innermost membrane
surrounding your testicle.
It can be caused by a defection
in the absorbing mechanism.
Is it cancer?
No. It's perfectly harmless.
Oh, my God! That is just
Oh, that's brilliant news.
Thank you, thank you so much.
And and what do we do now, then?
Well, we have two options.
There's surgery.
'I'm not letting some surgeon
poke around my ball sack.'
What's the other option?
Well, we can insert a needle
and let the fluid drain out.
The only problem there is it might
come back, in which case
we'd have to keep needling it
every year or so.
Surgery!
OK, Michael, I want you to
count backwards from ten.
Ten, nine, eight,
seven, six
All right, son.
Dad.
I'm proud of you going through
everything that you have.
It's not easy.
It was pretty grim.
But you're getting through it.
No doubt you had your mum
worried sick.
Yeah.
She's a wild worrier.
I don't know how she held
it together
with you three when I was dying.
But she did. She did everything.
You make sure and thank her.
I will, Da. Good man.
Mick? Speak of the devil.
Time for you to get up.
What?
Mick?
Mick?
Mum.
Lord bless us and save us.
You all right?
You're awake.
You did it. It's over.
Have you been here the whole time?
Not the whole time!
I've got a life, too, you know!
Thanks, Mum. What for?
For helping me.
Ach, sure I didn't do anything.
Except maybe light a few
candles for you at mass.
No, Mum. Seriously.
Well
..I'm your mum.
And thanks for everything you did,
like, when Dad died. You know?
I don't know how you done it.
Well, sure,
I had to get on with it, you know?
He loved you all so much.
I remember after he died
people kept saying to me,
"You're so lucky to have those kids.
You're so lucky to have them".
And I just kept thinking,
"I wish I had none of yous."
It was the burden.
No, no, the responsibility.
I didn't know how I could be there
for yous when I was in bits myself.
I missed him.
I missed him so much.
I I didn't know if I could be
strong enough for yous, you know?
But sure
..that's what he wanted in the end,
you know,
"Make sure you're
there for them, Pat.
"Make sure you're there for them."
I tried. Lord knows I tried.
I couldn't bring him back for you,
but, sure, I could
do everything else.
Ach
..your dad was a great man, Michael.
I know.
Right.
Let's see about
getting you out of here.
We can't have you staying here
too long, getting used to being
waited on hand and foot.
Don't want you getting any ideas!
BUZZER
Yeoooo! Careful, boys! Careful!
Ah, easy. I'm fragile!
Did the doctor touch your balls?
I bet you jizzed everywhere,
did you?
Any more of that talk, Tommy,
and you'll be out.
Sorry, Mrs Campbell.
Are you all right, though?
It's not too sore?
Yeah, but I'm OK.
And they still work OK?
I fuckin' hope so!
Made you a cake.
HE LAUGHS
Thanks. It's a masterpiece.
And, Mick, you're never going
to guess who this is.
Mick, this is Niamh.
She's come up from Newry.
Hello.
THEY CHUCKLE
MUSIC: Jerk It Out
by Caesars
# Cos it's easy when
you know how it's done
# You can't stop now,
it's already begun
# You feel it runnin'
through your bones
And you jerk it out. ♪