My Mad Fat Diary (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

- Your faces had sex with each other.
- I had sex last night.
So long as you live under my roof, you live by my rules.
He kissed me! So he must like me.
I've just seen Archie.
He ain't coming.
Just leave me alone.
I knew you couldn't possibly like me! I think he's a dick for what he did.
Wow! 'When you've lived in someone's shadow for a long time, 'you kind of get used to it.
' Come on, Rae! 'You have to 'especially when it's someone so perfect 'and so beautiful.
'You accept that some birds are high-flying birds 'and other birds are not.
'But that doesn't mean they can't fly together.
' Oh, he got it that time, didn't he? Being back at school on the summer holidays is just wrong, innit? Yeah, but we need to support Chlo, don't we? Come on, Chlo! - Whoo! - Come on, Chlo! You can do it! Come on, girl! Yeah! I'm telling you, it's him, it's Michael Price.
He is nowhere near good-looking enough to be going out with Chloe.
I mean, look at the state of her.
She's well hot.
Rae, you're supposed to be Chloe's best mate.
How do you not know who she's sleeping with? Whoo! Come on, Chloe! Come on, Chlo! Come on, Chlo! You can do it! 'All eyes on the lovely Chloe as usual.
'What I wasn't telling them 'was that my secret boyfriend was there as well.
'Mr Carrisford, 'our PE teacher/gold medal sex athlete at the Rae Olympics.
'We had met every day for the last two weeks '.
.
in my mind.
' Rae.
I didn't think you'd come.
What's with all the Caramacs? Shh! You shut your pretty mouth and start opening them.
'Finn had a point - why hadn't Chloe told me? 'We were supposed to be best friends again.
'We were supposed to tell each other everything.
'The only possible explanation was that she'd made the whole thing up.
'That actually, in real life, 'she stayed up all night fantasising like the rest of us.
' Oh, hi, Mr Carrisford.
Are you still here? 'Why can't I get noticed by boys in real life, 'but Chloe is even sleeping with men from my wildest fantasies? 'Worst summer holiday ever.
' Raemundo! This is Little Al.
You know Barney and Lizard.
Listen, I want to chat to you about Saturday.
What's Saturday? Oasis.
Knebworth.
I don't want to talk about it.
The lads got tickets! What? Lucky bastards! You mean you're all actually going? We didn't know what to say.
Sorry.
Well, it's not that big a deal.
So you don't want this, then? I've got one spare.
Are you messing with me? I'm not messing with you.
Don't mess with me.
I'm not! It's real.
Oh, Chop! Oh, this is the best summer holiday ever.
Archie! Yes.
Chop! My dear! Oh, yeah! You excited about Knebworth, then? Suppose so.
'How can I have ever fantasised 'about sleeping with someone so utterly annoying? 'Yeah, he was stunning 'With an arse that I just wanted to bite into like a violent dog, 'but he was so big-headed, so miserable, so self' Stop staring at me.
It freaks me out.
I'm not staring at you.
Right, whatever.
So, Mr Choppy Chop Hello.
Why I am going and not Chloe or Izzy? Didn't ask them.
You was first choice.
Well, it's kind of a lads' trip only.
But we see you as one of the lads anyway, so obviously we knew you weren't going to be a problem.
Do you know what I mean? So we just carried on.
'But we see you as one of the lads anyway.
'But we see you as one of the lads anyway.
'But we see you as one of the lads anyway' 'But we see you as one of the lads anyway' Rae, we need to talk.
You know I wanted to talk to you earlier, but well, you've been busy with the boys all evening, so Are you going to tell anyone, Rae? Why would I tell anyone? Don't know.
Chloe, what are you thinking?! He's a teacher.
It's just wrong.
How can you say that? You know, the other day, you said, "I'll sex him into a coma so deep "the only way he'd wake up was if I sexed him some more.
" Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'd actually do anything in real life.
Oh, right.
OK, then.
Chloe, he's clearly taking advantage of you.
No! You know nothing about us.
You know, cos well, we trust each other.
Yeah, right.
Oh, I'm sorry, Rae, I forgot cos you're the expert on love, aren't ya? Cos how many boys is it you've kissed again? I'd rather have only kissed one boy than give mouth-to-south resuscitation to someone twice my age in a Vauxhall Nova on a bit of scrubland behind a SPAR.
Don't make me feel bad just cos I've got a boyfriend and you haven't.
Do you know, you're always making me feel guilty for having things.
You think I've got it so easy, Rae, and you've got no idea what it's like to have to walk into a room and have everyone look at you.
All of the time.
I do know what it feels like to walk into a room and have everybody stare at me.
Do you know that every time we talk to boys they're not talking to us, they're talking to you? Whatever, Rae! Oh, no.
Of course you don't, Princess Chloe.
So don't you dare sit there and tell me how difficult you've got it.
You're just a I'm a what? Nothing.
Go on.
Say it.
Chloe, you're a really shit friend.
Sometimes.
Well, if that's the way you feel, maybe we shouldn't be friends.
Fine.
Coo-ee! Found you, sneaky sneakies! We're moving on to The Basement.
Get a wriggle on.
Rae's not coming.
She doesn't feel well.
You all right? You're gonna say that I'm angry because I'm jealous.
Well, yeah, I am jealous.
I'm jealous because she's pretty.
I'm jealous because she's good at things.
I'm jealous because she's slight but curvy.
Clever.
Sporty.
I'm jealous because she's Grade 4 on the cello, because she volunteers at an outreach centre.
I'm jealous because she's the type of girl who will one day appear on the cover of Marie Claire sunbathing on a yacht.
I'm jealous just because of the way she is.
Because she well, she she is like a girl.
Why are you friends with Chloe? Because we've always been friends.
That's the reason.
You have those friends, and you think, well if I met you now well, I wouldn't even talk to you.
But because we've known each other for such a long time, because we've got a history I've always been in her shadow and I'm just I'm sick of it now.
But why now? I mean, what's changed? All those qualities that you see in Chloe you don't see any of those in yourself? Well, I'm definitely not girly.
Why do you say that? My nickname is Raemundo.
I drink pints.
I swear.
I'm loud.
I tell jokes.
What's not girly about telling jokes? Oh, because telling jokes is a boy thing.
And boys don't like it when girls tell jokes, because it freaks them out to think that a girl might actually be funnier than what they are.
Oh! So it's actually about boys? Boys decide whether you are girly or not? I find you intensely irritating some days.
It's what I live for.
Maybe your relationship has changed, at least in part, because your relationship with men has changed.
And because you're part of a group now, maybe you and Chloe are just trying to figure out, you know, how your friendship works now that things are different.
Well, how do I figure that out? Well, you need to think, um is there more to this relationship than having known each other for ages? You need to think how you'd feel if Chloe was no longer in your life.
Would you miss her? I doubt it.
You honestly don't think you'd miss her? Come on, Rae we're making progress here.
Engage with me.
It's not that.
What? Then what is it? I think I'm having a period.
Tuesday, 16th August.
Well done, that day! The first sign of womanhood for 18 months.
I must have lost weight.
My GP said that's probably why they stopped.
I'm so pleased for you, Rae.
What does it feel like? It feels like a tiny little bastard is punching me in the small of my back.
Aw Sandra the sanitary towel.
It's finally time for her to fulfil her destiny.
I'm actually a woman, Tix - this proves it.
Now all I have to do is prove it to the boys at Knebworth.
I need to look hot.
Why don't you just buy a dress? I think, as a boy, that's what we think of as being pretty girly.
Danny?! Yo.
What the hell are you doing in here?! The men's was out of order.
Look, it doesn't even have to be a dress - it could be like something a bit more fashiony, you know? Something a bit like a Danny, get out! Yeah out! Hurry up and get out.
I'm going.
It's the ladies! Why didn't we think of that? Nice! The key to getting anything off my mum was timing.
Ask her for anything when she's in a good mood and you're guaranteed success.
Things weren't looking good.
New regime? Russian Peasant diet.
Only fucking liquids for the next four days.
I'm eating a bowl of vegetable stock for my dinner.
Mmm Smells good.
I was thinking that it might be nice if I got some new clothes.
How much? Well, there's this company that do, like, tailor-made stuff How much? You think I was born yesterday floating down the river on a banana boat? No chance.
I can't find anything that fits me in a normal shop! Why don't you borrow something of mine? Because I'd rather die.
This isn't fair! Everyone else gets money off their parents! But no, I've got to live in a house that doesn't even stock tampons! Do you know what, Mum? Value sanitary towels are a crime against my femininity.
Oh, well, I'm sorry, Ms Pankhurst, next time I go to the supermarket, I'll buy you a bag of swans' necks and you can use those.
Besides, you only started your period again today, so, you know, let's not pretend we're experts.
All right! Fucking typical! Well, can I come in? So how was The Basement the other night? It was all right.
Look, this is some of the stuff that you left at mine.
I thought I'd bring it round for you.
Rae, there's something else I need to talk to you about.
Well, I didn't know where else to go, because you're the only one who knows about Stephen.
Who's the fuck's Stephen? Mr Carrisford! Oh Right.
So has he broken up with you, then? He was just a boyfriend.
I think it's probably for the best, because it wasn't right you and him going out with each other.
Yeah, well, he hasn't broken up with me! I'm pregnant! Fucking hell.
Well say something, Rae! Fucking hell! I thought you were on the pill! Yeah, well, I stopped taking it.
Why? The packet said it could make you put on weight.
So rather than just put on a little bit of weight, you thought that you would risk getting knocked up?! Yeah, do you know, that's exactly what I thought! Uh! You know what, Chloe? Most pregnant women, well, they put on at least one, two, three Yeah, I get the irony of it, Rae! Rae, if you want your jeans washing inside out, put them in the basket in side out! So what are you gonna do about it, then? Are you gonna tell Mr Car Stephen? No.
It would ruin everything.
I think you should.
Yeah, well, you don't know him, Rae.
You're the one that said you trust each other.
Don't have a go at me! I'm not having a go at you.
Do you know, my mum I remember she told me ages ago she got pregnant when she was young.
She said it stays with you.
Whether you have it or not.
You know, whatever decision you make, it's for ever.
She'd be so disappointed if she knew about this.
I've got an appointment at the clinic on Thursday.
Will you come with me? You don't have to.
It's fine.
Chloe I'll come with you.
OK.
I'll see you later.
It's bad.
OK, it's really bad, but this was typical of Chloe! I have my first kiss, she loses her virginity.
I get my period back, and she gets pregnant! If I went to Butlin's on holiday, she'd probably go to Disneyland on the bloody moon.
I hate myself for thinking that.
God Please please please Oh, God.
Oh, Jabba! Oh, fuck! Jabba! 'The Green Lane Gang.
'Ninja, Big G, Squeaky.
'There's only one thing you need to know about them.
'Twat, twat, twat.
' Moo-oo-oose! Jabba! Scrubber! Moo-oo-oose! Scrubber! 'Knebworth.
Knebworth.
Knebworth.
Knebworth.
Knebworth.
Knebworth.
' Scrubber! '.
.
Very careless defending at the back.
'They now really do have a mountain to climb.
' Are you all right? Yeah.
Why? Me and Karim barely saw you yesterday, did we? Mmm.
What's going on? Nothing.
'.
.
And reassess how they're going to try and plot a way 'back into this match.
' Should I ring Kester? What? No! I'm fine.
Mum is there such thing as a mega period? Mega? Well, maybe you should go and see Dr Nick? You can't just nip in and see Dr Nick.
He's not a normal GP.
Why not? He's been your doctor for four months.
Sorting out your pills and your diet.
Why can't you talk to him about this? Because no, all right? Oh, I'll just get his number from the phone book.
There is no way I'm talking to Dr Nick about my mega period! 'Just another chapter of humiliation in the multi-volumed anthology 'of Rae the Ridiculous.
'Oh, God 'he's gorgeous.
'Maybe if I hit him over the head with that paperweight, 'I could lick him all over before he regained consciousness.
' OK.
Jump up on the bed so I can have a look at you.
'Oh, God.
'He'll prod my tummy, 'and the pathetic tampon holding back the bloody flood will ping out.
' Just relax.
'Oh 'I can't 'hold back!' Run! It's the mega period! So how's everything going? OK.
Good.
You got enough meds? Yeah.
So I think it's just a heavy period you're having.
Painful and not nice, but nothing more sinister than that.
There is nothing to worry about.
You starting your period is just another milestone on the road to health.
I like your paperweight.
See you, Rae.
OK.
We've had the results of the urine sample.
And No, sorry.
Ah.
Ah You You are pregnant.
Um around four weeks.
Um, I'd like an abortion.
Yeah, well, that's certainly an option you could consider.
But you don't have to decide anything today.
We provide a counselling service where someone can talk to you on a one No, I don't want any of that.
I just want to get it over with.
Yeah, well, OK.
It's up to me to make sure you have every opportunity to make the decision that's right for you, so Let me book you in to see one our advisors tomorrow, and then, if you still want to go ahead, you know, hey, that's fine.
Well, what happens if she does? Well, if you do decide to go ahead with it, then tomorrow you'll be given what's called an early medical abortion pill.
Then you'll take another one on Saturday.
Following the second treatment, you'll most likely want to be at home afterwards.
'And there's another thing Chloe's better at than me '.
.
holding it together.
'She's so strong in situations where I'd crumble.
'Like when the world is crushing down on me.
'Like when I' You all right? Yeah.
I'm fine.
Well, thanks for coming.
It's all right.
I can come along with you tomorrow, if you want.
Nah.
I'm going to take your advice.
I'm going to tell Stephen tonight.
He'll look after me.
Well, what about Saturday for the second pill? Everyone's going to be at Knebworth.
Rae, Stephen'll look after me.
You know I'll be fine.
I'll just see you in a bit, then.
OK.
Well you were right.
I never thought I'd hear you say that.
I do miss her.
But things have changed.
She's got a boyfriend now and you don't need your friends as much when you've got a boyfriend, do you? At the last session, we never finished discussing what made you feel so angry towards Chloe.
I told you why.
I gave you my fully detailed psychological analysis.
Yeah, but I never gave you mine.
Do you want to hear it? A couple of weeks ago, I had to pretend to be your uncle, because you haven't told anybody out there that you've been ill.
Including Chloe.
And I think you might be angry with her because you're starting to realise that maybe she's no longer the type of friend that you can talk to about things.
Oh, I couldn't give a rat's arse what Chloe's like.
I don't care about Chloe.
I care about you.
And it is important to me that you've got somebody out there you can talk to when things get dark, when you think about hurting yourself.
I've got my diary.
I can talk to that if things get bad.
Yeah, well, you can leave things out of a diary.
You can rip out whole pages and pretend they don't exist.
This is my new home number.
Now, I want you to call it.
At any time, day or night.
Whenever you start to feel you know.
I don't need it.
Rae! You're taking this piece of paper.
End of.
'Short skirt, 'girly top.
'This is all new to me, being a girl.
'It's difficult being quiet, 'not telling jokes or swearing, 'especially when the mega period was becoming a super mega period.
'I felt like my eyeballs were sweating.
' Right, so if we get two crates of beer and a bottle of voddy for each car, we're rocking.
Raemundo, are you all right with beer? Chop, you might enjoy having a ridiculous nickname, but I don't.
It's Rae or Rachel.
What? Do you want beer or not? Not.
I'd like some Lambrini.
That's what I drink now.
Oh, Jesus All right, lads.
Move up! Right, who's got any tune requests for the trip? Because I am doing the tapes for the cars.
Why are you doing them? I know the most about music.
You know about as much about music as my mum.
All right.
But under no circumstances, feature Spaceman by Babylon Zoo.
No Babylon Zoo.
Thank you very much for sharing your in-depth knowledge of music with us, Rae, that's brilliant.
Such a prick.
Right, I took the liberty of treating everyone.
Little Al.
Oh, yeah.
Nice one, Chop! There you are, Finn.
Nice one, mate! Raemundo.
What's up with you? You all right? No, I've I've got a tummy ache.
Oh, damn.
Better be OK for tomorrow.
Like the shirt? Why don't you try it on? I dunno.
Try it on! Maybe I don't want to try it on! What's wrong with you? I told everyone that you was dead cool and that you were dead funny.
You've sat here all night with a right face on.
Well, maybe I can't win! Maybe I just can't fucking win! No matter how hard I try, I just can't get it right.
I don't even know why I bother! Oh, crazy.
Crazy.
What are you doing? Stop being stupid.
Stupid.
No No No, no, no Oh my God! Jabba's got a jam stain! I think I'm gonna be sick! I genuinely think I'm gonna be sick.
Jabba's got a jam stain! That's got to be the dirtiest thing I've ever seen.
You absolute scrubber.
Scrubber! Scrubber, scrubber, scrubber! Scrubber What are you doing, you? It's all right taking the piss out of a girl, isn't it? Well, why don't you try taking the piss out of me? Eh? You apologise to her now or I will fucking curl you up, all right? All right.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! And that goes for you two twats, as well.
Sorry.
You all right? 'Saturday, 10th August, 1996.
'The Day of Knebworth! 'Who'd have thought 'the day I get to see Liam Gallagher in the flesh, 'all my thoughts would be about another man? 'How could I have got him so wrong? 'How could I have thought that he was shallow 'when he's the most interesting, 'sweet, sensitive, 'hot-bodied Adonis in all of Lincolnshire 'and the surrounding districts?' Rae! I just bought, two days ago, on your request, 20 Tampax! And now there are exactly none left.
What have you got, six vaginae or something? I decided to change them every hour.
Every hour?! Your hoo-ha must be the driest place in the entire universe.
I didn't want to get toxic shock! Izzy told me about this girl who left a tampon in too long.
It went rotten, she got multiple organ failure, then she went into a coma and she died.
Tox?! You! I just, er I just I just can't This is my main meal for the day.
What is it? Fucking Cup-a-Soup.
Beef flavour.
Maybe you should just go back to solids.
Oh today's the last day.
I just need to make it till tomorrow.
It's solids tomorrow.
Then it's I just I need to make it till tomorrow.
I'll be all right.
I'll be all right tomorrow.
Just keep thinking about tomorrow.
Knebworth, baby girl! Let's do this! You're in Barney's car with Finn.
Come on! Hi, Rae! Hey.
Hiya.
All right? How's your hand? I'll live.
Thanks.
Anyone would have done the same thing, you know.
No, they wouldn't.
Right, everyone, this convoy is heading out! Let's get ready! Let's do this.
Raemundo, come on! Let's go! What are you doing here? I just thought I'd see everyone off.
Did you tell him? We broke up.
What?! Who's going with you today, then? Don't worry about it.
Raemundo, come on, get your ass in gear! We're ready to go.
Come on! You'd better go.
Chloe, are you sure you're going to be all right? Yeah, I'll be fine.
See you later.
Let's go! Come on! What? I'm expecting marks out of ten for each tune, by the way.
Yeah, well, it's a zero for starters.
I thought this was your favourite song.
- Stop.
- What? Stop the car! You know, he'd just split up with his ex.
They were together like six years or something.
So he's not really in the place to commit to something new at the moment.
Plus, he's a complete knobhead wanker.
Do you know, he had a name for his thingy.
What? Bob.
Bob? Yeah.
You know, I'm sorry about this week.
Just sometimes I see you with everyone, you know? The lads.
And you're so funny and clever.
And I just I wish sometimes I'd get the chance to be seen as funny.
You are funny.
Oh, Chloe, the boys all love you.
I didn't get invited to Knebworth, though, did I? Eh? I went to the market and I bought a jockstrap.
I don't know why! Right, OK.
I went to the market - and I bought a jockstrap - Oh! And a pineapple.
- I went to the market - Miss Chloe Gemmell? You all right? Yeah, I think that's it now.
Aw! Listen to that crowd! I can almost smell the burgers just frying in the stalls at the side of the fields.
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no, what? Some tall bastard's just stood in front of me.
I can't see the stage any more! Do you know what? I fucking hate that! You can get on my shoulders if you want! Yeah? Yeah.
Oh.
Maybe you should get on my shoulders.
Yeah.
This is nice.
Why don't we invite Izzy around? No.
No, I I like it when it's just us two.
I love Izzy, but but I think her head would've exploded if I'd told her.
Yeah.
It needed to be you.
Come here.
Aw You're all right, though, yeah? Chloe Hmm? I wasn't in France this year.
Where were you? I've been ill.
What do you mean, ill? Like, proper ill? I did something stupid.
I hurt myself.
Why, Rae? Why would you do that? I've got it! Hello.
Hiya.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Just listening to Knebworth.
Why? Yeah, all right! All right, fine.
Bye.
That was Stephen.
He wants to talk, so, um I'm going to go round to his house.
When? You know, I need to go.
We'll talk about this when I get back, I promise.
Chloe, I Rae, I really need to know what he's got to say.
Can you stay here so my parents still think I'm in? What? Look, Rae, please! I'll be I'll be as quick as I can.
OK? So just just stay here.
I'll be half an hour tops.
OK? Just don't move.