My Name is Earl s01e03 Episode Script

You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me.
Every time somethin'good happened to me somethin'bad was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin'to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
Ever since my divorce, winning $ 100,000 in the lottery and discovering the concept ofkarma I feel great.
And the more bad things I cross off my list the more karma rewards me.
Clean livin'.
Randy, there's something to be said about waking up and feeling like a good person.
"U-R an ass.
" What'd you say? Joy.
Well, it wasn't me, although I do agree with your car- you are an ass.
Um, Joy? Fine! What are you gonna do, call the police? Please do.
I'd like to discuss with them where you and your brother got that refrigerator.
Hold it.
Don't call the police.
They still got my picture up over at the Circuit City.
Look, just leave my stuff alone, okay? How 'bout you give me half that lotto money, and then maybe I'll leave you alone? You know I need that money so I can make up for the things on my list.
You and your stupid list.
What about your kids? You have a family to support.
- Those aren't my kids, Joy.
- That doesn't matter.
- Those aren't my kids, Joy.
- That doesn't matter.
They have grown accustomed to a certain quality oflifestyle that you provided for 'em with all your crookery.
I tried to get their new daddy to fill your shoes, but Darnell is not cut out for crime.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't of did that.
That's okay.
Are you hungry? I think I have a little candy bar in here.
You want a little candy bar? Where's my grandfather's cuckoo clock? - I pawned it.
- What? What do you think, cigarettes grow on trees? Except for scoliosis the only thing my grandfather passed down to me was that cuckoo clock.
And I couldn't stand the thought of my family's only heirloom sittin'in a pawnshop.
You sure you wanna get Grandpa's cuckoo clock back? That thing almost put my eye out.
Well, you shouldn't have been so close.
You knew what time it was.
How much is it gonna cost? That's an awful lot of vending machine doughnuts you're holding there.
I'm gettin' an extra hundred for Rosie.
As long as we're here, I might as well cross number 58 off my list- fixed a high school football game.
Hut! After sitting on the bench all year the coach told Randy he was finally gonna get a chance to play.
I saw this as an opportunity to make a bet with Rosie our local bookie and pawnshop owner.
I bet a hundred dollars on Randy's team to lose.
Good luck.
Of course I didn't need luck.
I had Randy.
Hut! Ah, you fool.
! What are you doing? Get out of here! Get out of here, you bum! I can't wait to see Rosie's face when I pay her back.
You disgust me, Earl Hickey.
Fixin' a game.
I should pull you through this talkin' hole and stomp on your sweaty little tea bag.
What's up, Rosie? How you been? You had one chance to feel what it was like to score a touchdown and ya threw it all away just because your worthless brother asked you to.
That was true.
Hut! Run.
! Run.
! Block him! Maybe I didn'tjust cheat the bookie.
Maybe I cheated Randy too.
I took away his one chance to score a touchdown.
Randy, do you regret the fact that you never got to feel what it's like to score a touchdown? Uh, I guess it would have been cool to get lifted up by people.
I never been lifted up before.
It looks fun.
I think I have to put you on my list, Randy.
I took away your touchdown.
I gotta give it back.
How in the world are you gonna do that? This may sound crazy but I-I think you have to go back to high school.
That was weird.
I needed to get Randy a fake birth certificate for high school.
Luckily, that homosexual fellow I know works at a copy place.
Thanks for doing this, Kenny.
Are you kidding? Thank you for helping me out of the closet.
I didn't realize there were other people like me.
- I've worked with Bruce for years and didn't know.
- Oh, yes, you will collate! Here you go.
The birth certificate looked great.
All we needed was a fake father to sign the paperwork, and we were in.
Transfer student, huh? I travel a lot for work.
With football season almost over I wanted to make sure Randy got a chance to play so I picked the school with the worst team in the league.
How was your first day at school? Great.
I really enjoyed science class.
Did you know that before we were humans, we were monkeys? Really? What were we before monkeys? I don't know.
I can't even remember being a monkey.
- Where's my car? - What? I parked my car right here.
Someone stole my car.
My money.
My money was in the car.
Randy, my money was in the car.
Who'd wanna steal your car? It's a piece of crap with "asstronaut" painted on the side.
Joy.
- Where is it, Joy? - Why don't you ask the guys down at Impound? You had my car towed? Yup.
Maybe if you gave me some of that lotto money, I'd find better things to do.
It was at that point I realized Joy had no idea that my money was actually in the car.
Hey, Earl.
Joy had no idea that your lotto money was in your car.
Ow! Oh! I busted open my rug burn.
Joy's fall bought us a little time but getting the car wasn't gonna be easy.
It seems I owed some money on unpaid parking tickets.
- $3,000? - That's what I said.
I knew I could pay him if I couldjust get to the car but these aren't the kind of guys you wanna let know you have change in your ashtray much less $ 100,000 under your front seat.
What's up with the football? I play for Northwestern High.
I'm gonna score a touchdown.
Northwestern High? What are you, in the 17 th grade? Excuse me, sir.
I'm here to pick up my car.
- Nope! It's not her car.
That's my car.
- My name's on the title too.
I don't give a rat's aspirin bottle whose damn car it is.
I'm gonna give it to whoever gives me $3,000.
Sir, can I have this magazine for a collage? One of the cheerleaders was out sick today and we're gonna decorate her locker.
I knew neitherJoy or I would be able to come up with $3,000 without selling a kidney so I concentrated my efforts on somehow getting to the car.
I don't know, Earl.
Maybe we should think of another way.
I mean, electricity hurts.
I used to sneak my car out of here all the time.
They only turn this thing on at night.
See? Come on.
Let's get that money.
Wait for it.
Now.
- While I was busy trying to get to my car Joy was trying to get a loan for $3,000.
- Hey, baby.
- Darnell, what are you doing in here? - I told you to wait in the car.
- It's hot out there.
Baby, I'm trying to get a loan here, okay? Look, you know I don't see color but these people are never gonna give me $3,000 if they see me here with a black man, okay? Darnell, it's not me! It's America.
I don't make the rules.
So, they tell me you're looking for a loan.
Yeah.
You know what? I left something in the car.
I'll be right back.
We really only need the money for, like, an hour or two.
Say somethin' black.
Joy didn't realize that it doesn't matter if you're black or white.
You can't borrow money against a rented 1972 trailer with a documented carbon monoxide leak.
I'm sorry.
- Nice pull, brother.
- Right on.
Hey, Earl? I need $20 to enter the science fair.
Randy, all my money's in the car.
Besides, you're going to high school to score a touchdown not decorate lockers and enter the science fair.
Come on.
It's only $20.
He's already growing his potato.
Just put the books down and help me think.
If we don't figure out a way to break into the impound yard and get my money we're gonna have to eat that potato.
Oh, hey, Earl.
How about this? It's called a Trojan horse.
And there it was- a great idea that we never would have found if I hadn't made Randy go back to high school.
Karma strikes again.
Instead of a wooden horse, I was gonna use a car.
I called the only guy I knew that had one that actually worked- Kenny.
I'll just hide in the trunk, and you park the car in front of a hydrant.
Once I'm towed into the impound, I'll hop out, get my money head on over to the high school and watch Randy score a touchdown.
Sounds like a solid plan, Earl.
Kenny's a good guy, but, to be honest his friend made me a little uncomfortable.
This is so exciting! Let me just get in the car.
Damn.
I'm too big.
- I'll do it.
- Really? After everything you've done for me, it's the least I can do.
Wow.
Thanks, Kenny.
Are you sure you can fit in the trunk? I've seen him fit into a trunk.
- Stop it.
- You stop it.
- You stop it.
- You stop it! - You stop it! - You stop it! Why don't we all stop it, okay? Let's shut down the horseplay.
All right.
All right.
Once the car is in the impound, hop out, get my money and meet me at the football game.
While I was trying to get the car Randy was getting psyched.
- Are you ready? - I'm ready.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
You ready? - I'm ready! Are you ready? - Ow.
While Randy was getting psyched Joy was still trying to get her hands on $3,000.
I sold almost everything we own, and all I got was $1,500.
- That's not enough.
- I don't know where we're gonna get all this money from.
Watch my back.
As for my plan, the Trojan horse was on its way.
Only, instead of a horse stuffed with a bunch of Greeks we had a Le Car stuffed with one tiny gay.
Which meant I was free to enjoy the game.
And I wanted Randy to have a lot of support, so Catalina came too.
I even invited his fake dad.
Push 'em back.
Push 'em back.
Way back! You can stop now.
Stupid guy at the recycle center only gave me eight dollars for that whole cart full of cans.
- We'll never make enough money this way.
- You think? These cans are just too damn small.
They pay by the pound.
We need heavier cans.
Hey, what is this thingy made out of? Randy was having more trouble on the field than I had anticipated.
I think all those years of sleeping all day and drinking all night had caught up with him.
He looks wobbly.
Keep your chin up, Randy! You can do this! I need you to score, buddy.
Where the hell is Kenny? - Unfortunately for Kenny- - Help! - the aftershave he was wearing attracted Dobermans.
- Help.
! With 12 seconds left on the clock here in the fourth quarter beside this run, the Rockets- This is his last chance to score.
Give me the ball.
I'll get it in the end zone.
I have to.
Ready? Break! Come on, Randy! On three.
Hut, hut! Go! What are you doing? I felt horrible.
I had set Randy up to fail.
I felt like I took away his touchdown all over again.
I can't find him anywhere.
He must have been so upset, he walked home.
Hey, Earl Hickey! I raised the $3,000.
Where's your karma now, dummy? - Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crab Man.
I knew as soon as Joy got to that impound yard, my life would be ruined.
Without my hundred grand, I'd have to get a job and I wouldn't have time to cross things off my list.
So, I started running.
And I ran as fast as I could for as long as I could.
But eventually, all those years of sleeping all day and drinking all night caught up with me.
The men in your family don't work out a lot, do they? We never got caught up in the whole physical fitness craze, no.
It was bad enough that Joy was on her way to steal my money but I was also starting to regret wearing flannel boxers on such a hot day.
I can't believe all my money's gonna be gone.
My life is over.
Where I grew up, we have these things called banks.
You two need a ride? What the hell are you doing? How'd you get my car? - I paid the $3,000 to get it out.
- What? How? I fixed the game again.
I fumbled that ball on purpose.
And this time, instead of betting a hundred dollars, I bet 3,000.
So you were just faking it when you looked so tired on the field? No, that was real.
I threw up four times.
Wait.
Why didn't you tell me about this? 'Cause I knew you and your karma list wouldn't let me do it.
What's the matter? Aren't you happy? No, I'm happy.
I'm happy I got the money back, but I did it again.
I forced him to give up his touchdown.
I can't cross it off the list.
Earl, you didn't make me do this.
I did it because you're my brother and I wanted to.
I can make my own decisions.
I'm not an idiot.
But don't you wanna know what it feels like to score a touchdown? I'm pretty sure it's about the same feeling I got when I drove up and saw the smile on your face.
Well, there's only one thing left to do.
Catalina.
- Whoo-hoo! - Put me down.
I don't like it! I don't like it! First thing we did the next day was pay Rosie back the three grand we won by fixing the game.
Needless to say, she wasn't too happy about it.
You're pathetic, Earl Hickey! As for Kenny he eventually made enough noise that someone came and rescued him.
As it turned out, his Drakkar Noir attracted more than just the dogs.
Kenny told me later that he and his new friend spent a lovely weekend together in wine country.
I was just glad to hear Bruce was no longer in the picture.
And now that I had my money back I was able to give Randy 20 bucks to round out his high school experience.
"Participant.
" Nice.
As forJoy, what happened to her? - That's the best part of the whole story.
- I'm so excited! Sniff this.
We're gonna be rich.
How am I gonna get the car out right now? Darnell, how am I supposed to get the car out? Karma.
You gotta love it.