My Wife and Kids (2001) s01e03 Episode Script

Hey, baby, what you doin'? Cleanin' out our closets.
I got a bunch of stuff I'm gonna give to Goodwill.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, good.
We'll keep this right here.
This is my hat.
This is my favorite hat.
What are you talkin' about? You haven't worn that hat in ten years, Michael.
Are you cra--? I just wore this about seven years ago.
You have all of my stuff in here.
Michael, this junk has been clogging up my closet for years and it's got to go.
- Junk? - Yes.
Well, why don't you get rid of some of your junk? I don't have any junk.
Of, yeah? Three pairs of Earth Shoes is not junk? Now, wait a minute.
Shoes never go out of style.
They phase in and out.
If I got rid of my old Earth Shoes I'd have to pay $200 next year for some new ones.
But your hats? Now, these go out of style, Michael.
This is ridiculous.
You know this hat is just as cool as it was when I first bought it.
Look at this.
What? Okay, let's make a deal.
Whatever you wear you can keep.
How does that sound? Okay, and back at you.
Whatever you don't wear in your closet, I'm gettin' rid of it.
Okay.
Whatever we don't wear in this next week has got to go.
- Deal? - Deal.
- Cool.
- Easy, man.
Seal it with a kiss and then some later on.
Whatever.
What do you think you're doing with my guitar? Mom gave it to me.
She said it was junk from the closet.
Well, it's not junk.
It's mine.
Well, can I play it? Apparently not.
What is that y'all tryin' to do? What's that sound? We were just jammin'.
Yeah, you're jammin' the headache into my ear.
And who's this beige kid, Sisqó? No, Dad.
That's Tommy Jefferson.
He's the baddest keyboard player in school.
You the baddest, all right.
What's up? Nice to meet you, Mr.
Kyle.
Nice to meet you.
So what was y'all tryin' to accomplish here? It's kind of blues/Dr.
Dre/ Britney Spears fusion.
See? The problem is y'all tryin' to do too much.
You gotta keep it simple and pure.
You know who the purest guitar player was in the history of the guitar? Jimi Hendrix.
Oh, we do a Jimi song.
We do "Purple Haze.
" 'Scuse me while I kiss the sky Look, let me show you some Jimi.
Step back.
Now, that's rock 'n' roll.
Dad, any time you want to set any of my stuff on fire, feel free 'cause this is a great guitar.
It sure is, and you better take care of it.
That's a Gibson Les Paul 1950s reissue with Humbucker pickups.
So you go upstairs and make that bucker hum.
I will.
Tommy's comin' over later, and we're gonna jam some more.
How'd you hook up with this-- this Tommy boy? I mean, I met him in my art class and he seems to be a really cool guy.
He may be cool, but he's tone deaf.
Hey, before you criticize take a look at the man in the mirror.
Yeah? Well, you look like a gay insect.
Hey, son.
Flashdance, what a feeling.
Shut up.
Mom, let's go.
I was supposed to be there ten minutes ago.
Okay.
Come on, let's go.
Hustle, hustle.
I'm ready, too! Mom! UhOkay, I'll see what I can do.
Um, baby, you know what? I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Today's big girl day at the mall.
I'm sure Claire will take you another day, though.
Isn't that right, Claire? Oh, sure, Kady.
The next time I go, you'll come with me.
You understand, don't you, honey? Yeah, I guess.
Aw, come on, let me see that smile.
Well, maybe your daddy'll do something fun with you.
Sure.
Why don't we go get some ice cream? And I won't take my Lactaid and I'll make booty trumpets all the way home.
Okay.
Okay, great, everybody's happy.
- Talk to you later.
- Okay.
- See you.
- Bye.
You didn't think I was goin' out like this, did you? So you ready to go have some fun? Breaker-one, breaker-one.
We have a little girl being eaten by a big pillow.
Over.
I don't see anything except feet.
I'm gonna tickle them and see if I can get a reaction - out the little girl.
- Daddy! Oh, got a reaction! Uh-oh, now I'll apply the raspberry technique that I learned at the police station! She's alive! Yay! Are you okay? Claire hates me.
No, that's not true, sweetheart.
Then why won't she let me go to the mall with her? Well, let me tell you a story.
You ever heard the story of the tortoise and the hare? Uh-uh.
Okay, once upon a time, there was this hare named Claire.
And that's a rabbit, and it rhymes.
And the hare was all over the place.
And then there was this cute, little turtle named Kady and Kady always wanted to hang out with the rabbit.
And the rabbit said "Hey, you want to race? You want to race, turtle?" And the turtle could only move, uh, real uh, uh, slow when she moved, like, uh and the rabbit would just hop, hop, hop 'cause she was tryin' to get through life real quick.
And then one day, the turtle was runnin' up goin', "Umuh, hey, uh, rabbit? "Uh, could you wait for me?" And the rabbit turned around and looked and when she turned back, bam, she hit a tree and fell on her behind and the turtle went up and said "Uh, uh, hello, uh, uh, there, rabbit.
Uh, watch out, uh, mm, uhfor the tree.
" What's the moral, Daddy? How do you know what a moral is? Well, there's always one at the end.
The moral of the story is your sister Claire has to go through life and make mistakes so she can come back and tell you what not to do.
Are there trees in a mall? No, but there's one outside the ice cream parlor.
You want to go? Huh? You ready to go? Uhyep.
Uh, yep, let's go, rabbit.
Boing-a-boing-a-boing-a-boing.
Wait! Oh, you heard that? The booty trumpet's workin' already.
Yo, Dad.
What's up? What are you wearing? This? Nothin'.
This is what I wear all the time.
Ask your mother.
It's called a daishiki.
This was the Fubu of the seventies.
What's up with you? Well, I'm havin' trouble writing songs.
I can't get it to flow the way I want it to.
Well, have you came up with a melody? That's what you have to do.
You have to have a theme or a melody then you build around that.
Great.
How do you write a melody? Well, you just don't write it.
You gotta feel it.
I've been tryin' to, but I seem to have hit a dead end.
Junior, creativity is elusive.
You have to find your muse.
My what? Your inspiration.
Like what'll take you to the next level.
For Van Gogh, he cut his ear off for a woman.
Me, I had three mouths to feed.
You know, Mike Tyson, it was stayin' out of jail.
What inspires you? Video games, pork rinds and naked women.
All right, then that's your first verse.
Great.
Thanks, Dad.
Video games, pork rinds And, uh! Naked women # What rhymes with pork rinds? Venetian blinds? Aw, man, this isn't working.
We've got no inspiration.
Well, I got a little inspiration right here.
What are you doin', man? You can't bring a joint in my house.
My dad'll kill me.
Well, then let's get rid of it.
How? The best way is to burn it.
I don't know, Tommy.
Look, all the greats used this stuff.
Your dad talked about Jimi.
Jimi was so high, he kissed the sky.
Bob Marley, all the Rolling Stones the Beatles, Snoop and Dre.
Clinton? You want to unlock your mind, this is the key.
Hey, baby.
You look like a virgin with three kids.
Hey, guys, what's up? What's so funny? Tommy brought over his Cosby album.
Do you know that guy was really funny? What do you mean "was" funny? Cosby "is" funny because he I wish I had a cigar, but I got asthma.
Well, it wouldn't be good.
Are you okay, Mr.
Kyle? Just doin' my Cosby impression.
Mom, can we take some food upstairs? Uh, yes, if you promise to be careful and clean up after yourselves.
- Yeah, we promise.
- All right.
Maybe they want some Jell-O Pudding Pops.
No.
So have you found anything you want me to throw out yet? Yes, that outfit you have on right now.
Check you guys later.
Oh, I dropped it.
Them fools is stoned.
I'm gonna knock their heads together so hard, they share a chin.
Baby, no! What?! Listen, nothin' you say to them is gonna make sense.
They gonna forget it.
They're high.
So what are we supposed to do, nothing? I didn't say that.
Let's mess with their heads.
- Okay, you ready? - Uh-huh.
Hey, Junior, Tommy, y'all come downstairs! You got to see this! What's up, Pop? What is this? You ever see this show before? What's that actor's name? He was in "The lnvisible Man.
" What's his name? I can't remember, Dad.
That's right.
That's right.
Who is it? I said I can't remember, Dad.
No, get the door.
Someone's at the door.
Junior, could you please see who that is? You hear the door, boy.
Yeah, sure.
I'll help.
What did you give me, man? Things are startin' to get weird.
Tell me about it.
This stuff must be stronger than I thought.
- Aw, man! - Aw, man! What's the matter? There's nobody there.
Oh, that's probably the knock from the other day.
Right.
- Oh, man! - Oh, man! Are you okay, Junior? Yeah.
I'm fine, Mom.
Tommy, please, I'm tryin' to talk to my son.
I have to go now! Oh, off you do understand.
Veto parents fish not fowl.
Go for it.
Yeah, I'll tell 'em anything.
Just let me get out of here.
Now, now, wait.
Be really careful going home.
There's a killer on the loose.
Yeah, he's lookin' for the black Backstreet Boy.
I'm goin' to bed now.
What, son? I need to talk to you.
I camesevenand l Mama! AndI went to sleep circumcision.
Pfft! Just like that.
I'm goin' upstairs.
Junior! Baby? What is it? Junior's saying something really strange! What is it, son?! Talk to me! What is it?! I want to go lie down! What?! I want to go lie down! Don't talk to your mother like that! You apologize! Look her in the eye and say, "I'm sorry.
" Mom, I'm sorry.
That's not your mother.
Right there.
You know your mother when you see her.
Mom, I'm sorry.
Now give her a hug.
Give your mother a hug.
A big hug.
Now kiss.
Kiss your mother.
Don't put no tongue in your mother's mouth! Get out of here! Get out of here, boy! Aw, man! Dad, let's play Go Fish.
Oh, baby, I'm tired.
Can we play Go Sleep? Why don't you go play with Claire? Why? 'Cause I hate her.
Wow.
You must really be mad at her.
Those are stupid pants, Daddy.
What are you talkin' about? These are Hammer pants.
They're stupid pants.
Hey, stop.
Can't touch this.
Hey, look who's home.
You know, you have some fences to mend with your sister.
Daddy, she's extra baggage.
She's annoying.
Yeah, and so were you at that age.
The point is, you're her hero.
She doesn't want to ruin your fun.
She just wants to hang out with you and see what makes Claire tick.
Because in her little mind, when she grows up she wants to be just like you.
Yeah, I know.
So the question is are you acting like the kind of person you'd like to see her become? So, you're still mad at me, huh? Yep.
That's a really pretty doll.
What's her name? Claire.
Oh.
Listen, I really owe you an apology.
I dumped you the other day, and I shouldn't have.
That's right.
I'm really sorry, Kady.
Sometimes I can be really selfish.
I mean, I don't mean to be.
It's just I'll try not to let that happen next time.
So, will you forgive me? What's in the bag? Mmglitter nail polish.
I love you! All right, let's get to work.
Hey.
Heard you had a headache.
Yeah.
I had a tough night.
Yeah? You know, I wrote a song about that.
Want to hear it? Here goes.
My son got hold of a reefer last night I don't know whether to hit him with the left or right He probably thought Daddy wouldn't care But if he do it again, my oldest kid gonna be Claire I'm sorry, Dad.
You're sorry? I'm sorry, too, son.
You know, people do drugs so that they can escape.
What are you runnin' from? A nice house, full of people that love you? No.
I just wanted to expand my mind.
Wanted to be like Hendrix.
Well, you know what? Hendrix is dead.
Try to be like someone who's alive and not Robert Downey Jr.
Did you try when you were my age? No.
I never did drugs, I never broke the law and the first, last, and only times I had sex was when you guys were conceived.
Come on, Dad.
I know that's not true.
Okay, I did do it once, and I didn't like it.
I did it because of my friends.
And you know what? If I had the relationship with my father that I thought I had with you I probably wouldn't have done it that time.
But, Dad, everybody I know has tried it.
Son, the world is full of people doin' stupid things and they try to justify it Iike, "Dude, you know, this is, like, natural.
"The weed is from the earth.
"It's like raisins and apples and pumpkin seeds "except you smoke it.
" It's self-destructive, and I hope you don't do that.
But, Dad, there's all types of stuff around me.
I know, but you know what? Here's what I learned in life.
The only thing you have control over is you and the things that you do.
Yeah, I guess.
Look, son, talk to me.
When you're thinkin' about doin' something stupid come to your father, okay? I don't want to lose you to drugs or anything else.
Okay.
I'll tell you one thing.
I'll never smoke dope again.
Oh, really? Yeah.
I mean, I hated it.
Things kept changing, and you were in slow motion andand I couldn't talk, I couldn't hear and it was terrifying.
Wow.
I hear that happens every time you do it.
Wow.
And then it gets weirder and weirder.
Oh, man.
Yep.
Sometimes the effects are permanent.
No, Michael, no.
No, not "Saturday Night Fever," please.
Nope.
"Fantasy lsland.
" You're Mr.
Roarke? No, I'm Tattoo.
I am Tattoo's fantasy-- tall, black, and handsome but I still want to look up your dress.
Michael, you're not goin' to work like that.
- No.
- Why not? You don't think I look like John Travolta? I think you look like Uncle Ben.
I feel like his cousin, that dude from the Cream of Wheat box.
All right, so I win? - Truce? - Yes.
I get to keep all my stuff? All of 'em.
Please, yes.
Okay, pack 'em up in a box and get rid of this garbage.