Mystery Girls (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

Behold Octomom the Voodoo Doll.
Not bad, considering.
I would dominate on "Project Runway.
" Stick it in her ankle.
Nothing permanent.
Just enough to take her out of the competition.
I'm afraid to even ask, but what are you fools doing over there? They're casting "Dancing with the Stars.
" The final spot is between me and Octomom.
Delivery for Holly Hamilton.
Ooh, my office supplies.
Oh, good.
Did you order more toner? Better.
I need a boy's opinion.
What do you think, Joe? I think maybe you should wear 'em on a date with me.
See? These office supplies are already working.
- Okay, what's your sign? - Aries.
Ooh, pass.
My psychic says I can't go out with fire signs.
I might get burned.
Does she charge extra for puns? Eh, it was worth a shot.
You turned him down? I would totally call him when I absolutely, positively needed it overnight.
Nick, that falls under "Inappropriate Office Banter.
" Put a dollar in the can.
Go, go, go.
And you I can't believe you just turned that guy down because of something your psychic said.
You can't argue with science, or psychics, or Oprah.
Okay, Oprah maybe, but it drives me nuts that you believe in all that other stuff.
Well, I think it's sad you don't believe in anything.
Except toner, which you won't shut up about.
I believe in plenty of other things.
Just things I can actually see.
I can see myself delivering my own package to that delivery guy.
Inappropriate Office Banter.
Dollar.
Can.
I'm gonna put in a 20.
I'm feeling saucy today.
I know it sounds nutty "Haunted House," but is there any way I can convince you to take this case? The supernatural is not something we normally do.
I can pay $2,000.
But it's a field we've always wanted to break into.
Sorry I'm late.
My neighbor forgot to close his curtains.
Get me up to speed in your best narrator voice.
"Previously on 'Mystery Girls'" Henry contacted the girls because he bought a vacation home in Big Bear, but his new wife refuses to move in believing it to be haunted by the ghost of a previous occupant.
What an episode! Tell me more.
That's about it.
I hope you can help.
I came to you first because my wife is such a huge fan.
Ooh, how huge? She knows every episode by heart.
Her favorite is the one where you joined an all-girl biker gang and broke up that counterfeit lipstick cartel.
Your wife is getting her episodes mixed up.
The biker gang was pimping out blind prostitutes the lipstick cartel was being run by those evil beach volleyball players Tad and Thad.
Trust me.
My wife knows what she's talking about.
Trust me.
So do I.
Oh yeah? Do you have an official "Mystery Girls" fan club card, because I do.
I mean, my wife does.
Okay, fine.
I'm the super fan.
- Hey! - Yes! Mystery solved.
Wait.
Your wife exists, right? You're not here just to meet us? No, no, everything else is true.
Okay, pal, what are we talkin' about? Ghost lights, poltergeists, dark energies? I'm impressed.
So you'll take the case? Nope.
Come on.
Please.
I'll tell you what The house is full of antiques that my wife hates, if there's something you want, pick it out, it's yours.
Oh, I love it.
It's like "Antiques Road Show" meets "Ghost Hunters.
" We're in! Thank you for indulging me.
My wife will be very relieved.
Happy wife, happy life, am I right? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Is Nick not really gay? No.
This is amazing.
$2,000 to go on a treasure hunt - and have a sleep-over.
- Wait, what? - We're sleeping over? - Yes, it'll be fun! Haunted House Party! We'll rent "Beetlejuice," make cocktails, and I'll do the "Thriller" dance.
Wow.
We found the one gay man who doesn't know how to do the "Thriller" dance.
Awesome.
I'm sensing there's a problem.
I just don't think we should go messin' with ghosts.
Honey, there are no ghosts.
- In that house? - In the world.
Okay, that's your opinion, but the truth is, we don't know what we don't know.
You know what, Holly, if you want to turn down hot delivery guy because of some superstition, that's fine.
But this is real money we can use to pay real bills, and maybe buy you a new pair of office supplies.
Oh, okay.
Wait.
Let me just clear this with my psychic.
Oh, that lady with all the parrots? No.
We're taking the case.
Fine! I just hope someone knows how to perform exorcisms.
Googling it now! Found one.
Oh my God.
There's a lot of vomit.
Oh good, this isn't spooky at all.
It's just old.
It's not like there's a clown with a knife waiting under the stairs.
Wait, that was really specific.
Something you wanna share? Wow, this place is incredible.
Look at these crown moldings and this detail around the bar.
Oh my God.
It's like house porn.
Yep, it's really something.
I've been the caretaker here most my life.
Lots of memories.
If these walls could talk Oh, I don't care if they talk.
I just want to know if they bleed.
Sorry, we heard the place was haunted.
Oh, you heard about Hester, huh? Who's Hester? Hester and Roger Carlysle bought this place in 1941.
Then the war called, and he went missing in action.
Years passed.
People urged Hester to get on with her life, but she said Roger was her one true love.
So she waited for 60 years until finally she passed.
Oh, what a lovely story.
We didn't find her for weeks.
By then, the cats had nibbled out her eyeballs.
I've always been a dog person.
Oh, then the dogs ate the rest of her.
- I see what you mean.
Good memories.
- Mm-hmm.
Some say that Hester is still here waiting for Roger to return, rocking in her chair, clutching her gold locket.
Well, toodle-oo.
Uh, did you say gold locket? Yep.
They never found it.
Who knows? It's probably still here in the house somewhere.
Toodle-oo again.
Cool, no ghosts.
Let's go grab Sushi.
No, no, no, no.
We are staying the night here like we're paid to do, okay? And I want to look for that locket.
Fine.
Fine.
Yeah, just pretend like we're on a girls' night out, okay? Yeah, just you, me, some old lady ghost no eyeballs.
Party time.
The rest of the house is clear, and there are no disturbances on infrared, which can only mean one thing This thing is broken.
Because I feel Hester.
You feel those three chili dogs you had to have on the way up here.
I think I know the difference between a ghost and a chili dog.
Yes, chili dogs exist.
If I had a buzz-kill detector, it'd be beeping like crazy right now.
What are you doing? I'm looking for the locket.
Maybe Hester doesn't want you to find it.
Oh, why? Are you and Hester BFFs now? Maybe Hester should come on out and give me a big smooch-a-roonie on my butt.
She was just kidding about that.
I do feel sorry for her though.
Can you imagine rambling around this house for 60 years waiting for your true love to come back? I wouldn't know.
You're the one with the one true love.
Meeting Michael was your destiny.
No, meeting Michael was a coincidence.
I hired a contractor and he showed up.
See? Destiny.
I think the closest I came to true love was Clyde.
Ugh, Clyde?! That loser you were engaged to? All he did was sit around in your trailer, smoke pot, and play video games.
Yeah, but still.
Since then, the closest I came to true love? Mm, my lime green Louboutins.
Yeah, those were good shoes.
Whatever happened to those? Still in the closet with the rest of my ex-boyfriends.
Oh my God.
The temperature, it just dropped five degrees! Okay, so maybe there's a draft.
Or maybe Hester's coming to put her ghost lips on your butt like you requested.
Oh.
Okay, Hester.
Here it is.
Pucker it up.
Ah, I just saw something in the hallway! What? Still not scared.
Hey, girls! It's so cold out there.
I had to put my snuggie on in the car.
You almost gave us a heart attack! What are you doing here, Nick? Holly left her memory foam pillow and I didn't want it to forget her.
Okay, fine.
I couldn't stand the thought of you guys having fun without me.
Don't worry, no one's having any fun.
It's not supposed to be fun.
It's work.
Well, Nick may be tardy, but he's bringing the party! Show of hands, who wants to see me crump? If crump means leave, then yes.
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, - Bloody Mary? - Nick, no! I don't need another dead broad complicating things.
I'm just asking, who wants a Bloody Mary? I've got hot, super hot, and Channing Tatum.
Three Magic Mikes on the rocks.
Good idea.
I should have a buzz in case we accidentally open a portal to hell.
Why don't you help me look for the locket, okay? We could use some money to pay for all that stuff you rented.
Nick hon, was it snowing when you drove up? Nick? Where did Nick go? Where'd the bar go? Nick?! I'm in the wall! Are you okay? Is the booze okay? I knew this would happen.
Oh right.
You knew that our assistant would be swallowed up by a rotating bookshelf? Is that what you're telling me? Guys? I think something just crawled inside of me.
There must be a lever here somewhere.
I mean, usually I get the spins after I drink.
Little help.
Did you guys get fondled too? What is that around your neck? The locket! I wasn't wearing a locket.
It's Hester's locket.
It's ours now.
Wait! What if her soul can't rest till she gets this back? Oh please, she doesn't care about this old thing.
She's dead.
Apparently, she's still mad at that chandelier, though.
Oh, Charles, are you sure you don't want to join? We're trying to contact Hester.
No, I'm good.
Fine.
We'll do it without you.
It's so cool you're a medium.
Bite your tongue.
I'm a boy's small.
- What was that sound? - What sound? You know, the sound of a ghost dragging chains? I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.
Like maybe those cats and dogs that ate Hester are dragging around some chains.
Me again.
Figured you guys could use some snow chains to get down the mountain.
Great.
E.
M.
F.
monitor! There's a presence in the room! Great, now there's a presence in my underwear.
Gross.
Bye.
Okay, Holly, can you do something about that beeping? I can't! It's her energy It's too strong.
It's probably just the batteries are dying.
That is possible.
I did take it from the smoke detector, which was beeping at the time.
We need professional advice.
Give me your credit card.
I'm gotta call my psychic.
Okay, good God, woman, would you take some responsibility for your life? What is that supposed to mean? It means you just let this mumbo jumbo make all your decisions for you.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
Uh, remember that time you passed up the role in "Titanic" because it started filming on Friday the 13th? Okay, to be fair, that was "Titantric" and it was for Cinemax.
Okay.
How about when you broke off your engagement with Clyde because your horoscope said you shouldn't make any big decisions? Horoscopes don't lie.
Oh really? Because I made that horoscope up! How about that? Escandalo! Yeah, I had Deano in the Prop Department do it for me.
The point is you let all this other stuff rule your life.
No, the point is you ruined my life.
I didn't ruin your life.
I was protecting you from running off with some loser you'd known for a week.
That loser was Clyde Douglas.
He founded a video game company it's worth over a $100 million.
Oh, see, I did not know that.
Holly Buzz-kill detector.
Beep Beep - Beep.
- Okay, stop doing that.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep Hey.
She still mad at me? Well, she doesn't want to talk to you, but she does want to know if you brought any cookies.
- Really? - Fine, they're for me.
In my bag.
Man, did I screw up.
I'm reading about this Clyde guy He's amazing.
Rich, accomplished, full head of hair.
Don't worry.
She'll find another bazillionaire who has an island? - Yeah, you screwed up.
- Mm-hmm.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
When we started out on "Mystery Girls," we were so young.
I had solid parents, but Holly didn't.
She was so trusting.
Everybody was always taking advantage of her.
I get it.
You were trying to being a good friend.
But it's not your job to stop her from making bad decisions.
It's your job to support her when she does.
Wow.
That was really insightful.
I know, right? Holly said it in episode 87 when you were temporarily blinded by that bee sting.
Just getting my sleeping bag.
I'll be sleeping upstairs safe from the evil spirit that sits right here on this couch.
Look, Holly, I'm sorry.
Okay, I I was wrong.
I thought Clyde was a total loser, but I should've let you come to that conclusion on your own.
It turns out he's amazing.
Even after his wife died, he was a rock.
- One of his kids is like a cello prodigy - Wait, wait, wait.
His wife died? Yeah, yeah.
They were driving home from some gala and a truck plowed right into them.
Oh my God.
That would have been me.
Well, we don't know that.
You know how much I love galas! I would totally be dead right now.
And I'd have to text you on a Ouija board.
When you altered my destiny, you saved my life.
Ha! Take that, Hester! I cheated death when you couldn't! Oh, wait.
I'm just kidding, don't haunt me, please? So you forgive me? Yeah.
Of course I do.
By the way, I found this on the doorknob.
I was wearing that 10 minutes ago! Never had a lesson! You get me a coffee, Charlie.
- You're fired, Charlie.
- Hey.
Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.
We made it through the night.
Hey, who braided my hair? Oh, dang.
It was me.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Come on in.
Well, how'd it go? We're happy to report that there are no ghosts in the house.
Well, there's one ghost, but we came to a complete understanding and she's totally cool with you guys moving in.
Mystery solved.
I'm unclear.
Am I paying you or not? Paying us.
Uh-uh.
Not there.
Yeah, I wouldn't.
Uh, glad you got in okay.
I was worried I'd forgotten to put the key under the mat.
It was no problem.
The caretaker let us in.
Caretaker? Yeah.
Walt.
Walt died five years ago.
Oh, wait, Walt! Of course.
I'm thinking of Dave the gardener.
- Dave's dead, Walt's fine.
- Whew.
- Thank you.
- Nice locket.
Oh, yeah.
You said if we found something we liked, we could keep it.
Absolutely.
I hope you enjoy it, no matter what Walt says.
Uh, wait, wait.
What does Walt say? You know, that it's cursed, and whoever takes possession of it is doomed to eternal suffering.
Well, bye.
Well, good thing you don't believe in that sort of thing.
Yeah, good thing.
You know what? Hester, it's all yours.
I'm just gonna take this vase.
- Is she okay with that? - Oh, let me check.
Yep, fine.
Let me grab my stuff, guys.
Guys? In the wall again.
I say we leave him.
Morning.
Hi.
Just need you to sign.
You know, there's a new pair of shoes in there.
How about I wear 'em on a date with you? All right.
You sure that's gonna be okay with your psychic? Hm? I'm trying to be a little more proactive with my life, leave less up to the fates.
I hear that.
I'll pick you up at 6:00.
I hope you like food.
Look at you, making your own decisions.
Our little girl is all grown up.
Yep, no longer listening to all that mumbo jumbo.
This girl thinks for herself.
Although I did consult the magic eight ball.
It said to "Ask again later," I took that for "Yes.
" Is there a delivery guy in my future? "Not likely.
" "Not likely.
" "Not likely"? "Not likely"?!