New Girl s01e03 Episode Script
Wedding
It's our first wedding together, so we need nicknames.
Nick is Knickknack, or Mr.
Suspenders.
No nicknames.
Your only job tonight is to be Nick's girlfriend.
And make sure he stays out of trouble with Caroline.
- Why can't you and Winston help? SCHMlDT: We've tried.
He doesn't listen to us anymore.
She's not coming back.
[NlCK SOBBlNG.]
He's right.
I don't.
[JESS HUMMlNG.]
- No.
- That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess.
I'm gonna need you to step it up tonight.
When I see you, I want to be thinking: "Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?" [lN COCKNEY ACCENT.]
Probably the slut butler, right? Yo, let's go.
We can't be late.
I am in the wedding.
- You're the usher, relax.
- Yeah, I'll be busy.
I won't have to sit around answering stupid questions.
Like, "Do you have a job? Are you still playing basketball?" Does it look like I'm still playing overseas basketball? - What's the matter? - This is the first job I've had in months.
I want to get in there and ush this wedding in the face.
You're gonna be great, man.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
So when we do the chicken dance, I do it differently.
I know that it usually goes like: [HUMMlNG.]
But instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck.
Because it's more realistic.
No chicken dance.
Look, we're not trying to be mean.
We just don't want you to be yourself.
In any way.
Okay.
Suppress the Jess.
Got it.
- Did you use my hair gel? - Did I use your hair gel? I won't be mad.
Just let me know if you did.
- No.
- You sure? - I used your hair gel.
- Are you serious? NlCK: Yeah.
It's-- Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house? NlCK: Wow.
You look great.
[lN SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
Let's go knock biscuits, brother-cousins.
- No.
- No teeth, Jess.
- You can't use prop teeth.
JESS [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
: Come on, guys.
These are hilarious.
Kids love these.
[SlNGlNG.]
Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? - It's Jess [NlCK WHlSTLES.]
JESS: Want to know one of my beauty secrets? The only way I could fit in this dress was by wearing little girls' bicycle shorts underneath.
They are tight.
I will not be peeing tonight.
Oh, my God, bubbles.
No, no, Jess.
No bubbles, no bubbles, please.
Ooh, a lot of big game here tonight.
Ooh.
SCHMlDT: Oh, there's Brooke.
JESS: Who's Brooke? - He's been into her since freshman year.
She used to pass out drunk on our porch.
Like having a hot, alcoholic cat.
I'd always leave water out for her.
Okay.
Tonight just got real.
She goes on the kill list.
Because you're gonna attempt to kill her by having sex with her? - More or less.
- Oh, Schmidt.
One day you're gonna kill the nicest girl.
[MUSlClANS PLAYlNG CLASSlCAL MUSlC.]
Look at my new boyfriend.
So fancy in his big-boy tie.
Jess, would you please stop? What is it with Caroline? You're a different person.
Just focus on getting through today, please.
Okay, Mr.
Boy T.
Friend.
- What did I tell you? - Don't be myself.
- Yes.
- I love that about our relationship.
You never let me be myself.
[CHATTERlNG.]
MAN: Hey.
- Winston.
WlNSTON: Hey.
- You're back.
- Yeah.
What are you up to? Where you working at? Here.
As an usher.
Hi.
What a beautiful dress.
I'm surprised you noticed the dress.
I was distracted by the woman inside.
- Jimmy Longjam, alternate usher.
- Alternate usher.
- I mean, I'm here.
I'm the usher.
- You were late.
It's called commitment.
- Look it up in a typewriter, old man.
- What? - How much do you make? - Where is your mom? WOMAN: Can somebody help me? - Bride or groom? Thank you.
[CLlCKS TONGUE.]
Oh, no.
No, not tonight.
No.
- Who is that? - Gretchen.
She's a terrible person.
We can't stand each other.
At every wedding, we end up-- We end up having sex.
[BOTH MOANlNG.]
[BOTH MOANlNG AND GRUNTlNG.]
I mean, look, the sex is amazing.
- She's coming over.
- There are those people.
Oh, what people? [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Hello, Gretchen.
GRETCHEN: Mm-hm.
- I see you wore the pantsuit again.
- This is a new one.
It's got way more stretch in the pants.
- That's horrible.
- Ready for tonight? I'm gonna tie you down and show you pictures of my river rafting trip.
- Oh, God, how many are there? - It's a two-hour slideshow.
No, Gretchen.
We can't do this anymore, okay? It's not-- It's not healthy.
All right? Please, no more.
There she is.
There she is.
She's right over there.
She's right over here.
She's right-- - Just be cool.
JESS: Okay, okay.
- Hi.
- Hey, Caroline, wow.
I didn't know you'd be here.
Great to see you.
Nicholas, you have to introduce me.
Yeah, of course.
Jess, this is Caroline.
- Hi.
- One more time.
Cara-lee? - Caroline.
- Caraloo? Coraline? Caroline.
Okay.
Fancy.
Well, I'm Nicholas' girlfriend.
We just started dating, so we're still in that honeymoon phase.
Heh-heh.
I barely sleep.
So much doing it.
NlCK: So much doing it.
It's crazy.
He's so soft, like a towel.
Well, it was nice to meet you.
So nice to meet you too, Carol.
- Caroline.
- I give up.
I guess I'll see you later.
For sure, for sure.
Oh, my God.
Was she jealous? I think she was jealous.
You did so good.
That was remarkable.
[lN SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
I just done what my mama learnt me.
Give me the teeth.
I catch a paper boy But things don't really change I'm standing in the wind Brooke.
Hi.
Wow.
Schmidt.
You used to borrow my poncho freshman year.
Remember that? No? Fat Schmidt? Fat Schmidt.
Of course.
Wow, you look great.
You also, for sure.
Um How are your classes? I mean, not that we're in school anymore.
I know that.
- What are you drinking? White wine? - I'm not drinking.
I'm sober, six months.
- Can I get a seltzer, please? - Me too.
- You're six months sober also? - Seven months.
One more.
- Wow, that's great.
Congratulations.
- Here's your white wine.
What? What? That's a mistake.
No, I didn't order that.
No.
No, sir.
- Even the-- Even smell of it.
- I'm gonna run back to my table.
But you can come talk to me if you need to.
SCHMlDT: Okay, thank you.
So, what I need you to do is this.
I need you to put vodka in a water bottle.
Then rendezvous with me in the restroom, okay? Same page? Same page? [LAUGHS.]
This kid is pushing my buttons.
Winston, he's just a little boy.
Relax.
If Brooke asks, I'm clean and sober and looking to settle down.
Great.
Schmidt's sober.
What are you doing? She's looking at us.
- Your head is shaped like a yam.
- Yeah, I know.
I can't wear soft hats.
JESS: Uh-huh.
I want to talk to her by myself.
- No.
Are you sure? - Jess, I'm fine, for real.
Hi.
Could that ceremony have lasted any longer? Ha, ha, ha.
We loved it.
Taking notes in case Mr.
Commitment-Phobe over here decides to make an honest woman out of me.
Hey, Jess, did you want to go do that thing from? - Yes, I did.
I want to do it very badly.
Yup.
- Thank you.
And now for the first time ever, Mr.
and Mrs.
Handelman-Pyong.
[NAT KlNG COLE'S "FOR SENTlMENTAL REASONS" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
[CROWD CHEERlNG AND CLAPPlNG.]
Yeah! Bride and groom! Make way! Huzzah! Celebrate love! Get ready for a wonderful life of merriment and joy! Jess is - great.
- The best.
Yeah, so happy.
Are you guys pretty serious, or? Yeah, we are pretty serious.
Yeah, we live together.
I mean, different bedrooms, but shared bathroom, so that's something.
Alcohol.
Any kind of alcohol you have.
Just give me anything.
- Thanks.
GRETCHEN: Give me that.
Oh, God.
It's like you're lapping it out of a puddle.
[SCOFFS.]
You get those boots off a lady hiker? Look at those earrings.
Are they clip-ons? [WHlSPERlNG.]
I'm gonna make you wear them.
[SCHMlDT SlGHS.]
- Huh.
No.
- No? [BlLLY lDOL'S "DANClNG WlTH MYSELF" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
- ls it bad that I can't feel my legs? - Yes.
Now let's talk about my problems.
I have to go home with Brooke tonight.
I deserve someone like Brooke.
She's perfect.
And it doesn't matter that I have gymnastic mean-spirited, highly educational sex with Gretchen.
That's not what I want to do anymore.
Not tonight.
What's so bad about liking Gretchen? You obviously have a weird connection.
No, no, I want to connect with Brooke.
I want to connect in the shower, on the floor.
JESS: You know what? - Sitting lndian style.
I'm going to put my hands over my ears.
- We got a problem.
SCHMlDT: What? Jess, what did you do? - What? They're fine.
They're just talking.
WlNSTON: No, no, no.
With Caroline, he is not fine.
He ran into her at a party months ago, then sent me a 10-page e-mail about what she meant when she said, "I'll see you soon.
" She will flirt with him until she knows she can have him.
- It's like he's her backup plan.
- I didn't know that.
You want to live with Nick when he's not showering and crying all day? Yeah, he just sounds like this: Unh, wah-hah.
Ever heard a man sob and listen to Simon & Garfunkel? - Yeah, my dad.
- Yeah.
Okay, I get it, I'll go, but I just-- - These bicycle shorts are really tight.
SCHMlDT: Come on.
- Work through it, woman.
- Okay, okay.
Okay.
It's all on you, Jess.
[FRANZ FERDlNAND'S "DO YOU WANT TO" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
Come on in, honey.
- The water's fine.
- Jess, you know I don't dance.
Oh, but you didn't know that I did this: I'm mime-walking.
I'm Mime-chael Jackson.
CAROLlNE: I'll get a drink.
- Me too.
- Nick, wait, no.
- Jess, relax, this is good.
I may actually have a chance, and it's all because of you, so thank you.
No, Nick, that wasn't my intention.
Nick.
Oh, hi.
I don't feel like dancing right now.
I'm sorry.
Well, do you, do you, do you wanna? Wanna go? I'm really uncomfortable right now.
- Oh, Winston, thank God.
Nick got away.
- Nick can wait.
This-- This is about honor.
He's a friend and I knew him before you And it looks like we have a dance-off.
What? - Oh, my God, what are you doing? - Mommy? Mommy? [CROWD GROANlNG.]
Nick? Nick? A chocolate fountain.
Reminds me of the one in Tuscany.
You ever been? Yeah.
I was just there for New Year's.
Where's the chocolate fountain? I don't know, never been.
I'm fascinated with the culture.
JESS: Schmidt! Schmidt, I need you to help me get these off so I can go find Nick! God, are you friends with that girl? - Schmidt! - Okay, look, l-- I didn't want to have to tell you this but she was a mistake I made when I hit rock-bottom.
Like I was Sid and she was Nancy.
Then I got sober and she couldn't deal with it.
And the poor thing just went-- She went crazy.
Schmidt, I need you to come help me slap my thighs around! I don't want to scare you, but she can be really dangerous when she drinks.
I shouldn't even be in the same room with her, it's just-- It feels so good talking to you.
- Maybe we should get you out of here.
- What a great idea.
Yes.
I just have to go to the bathroom quickly.
Whatever you need.
Whatever-- Of course.
Ready? No lips.
- Name one, name one.
- Do, uh, wind tunnel.
Super high driver's license.
[CAROLlNE LAUGHlNG.]
Can we stay in here all night? JESS: Oh, hi.
Schmidt is very fond of you.
Um, look, I don't-- I don't even really know him that well, okay? Oh, I'm just cutting off my underwear.
You know.
Girl stuff.
[JESS GRUNTlNG.]
[SlGHS.]
So tight.
Well, it's been really nice chatting with you but I've got a pretend boyfriend to hunt down.
- I think he's cheating on me.
- Heh, heh, heh.
Oh, and don't break Schmidt's heart, or you'll have me to deal with.
[JESS LAUGHlNG.]
NlCK: This is fun.
CAROLlNE: Ha, ha, ha.
Aha! - I trusted you! NlCK: Jess, get out of here.
- Nothing happened.
- After everything we built.
- Go away, Jess.
- Who are you? No, really, nothing happened.
I have a boyfriend.
- Wait, you have a boyfriend? - Yeah, well, I've been seeing someone.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
- But now I know that you have Jess-- - Yeah, he has me.
And our baby.
Okay, I'm just gonna let you guys-- And our other baby! - Jess, what happened with Brooke? JESS: What? She left here in tears because she said you threatened her with a knife.
No, I was talking you up.
You shouldn't have.
You should have been taking care of Nick.
Why is it so hard to do one thing? - How is this my fault? - Ruiner.
[SCOFFS.]
Did you just call me a ruiner? - Yeah.
- Okay, you know what? Forget it.
I'm not helping you guys anymore.
Give me my teeth back.
- Stop.
- You don't appreciate them.
- Cool it.
- Give them back.
I'm gonna have fun, because there's nothing wrong with who I am and I like having fun at weddings.
And I like dancing.
And if you don't like that, then tough Tater Tots, tooter.
Jess is back.
[SlGHS.]
[DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
You're going home with me, aren't you? Lose control Get drunk because I'm a freak Good boy.
[SLAP.]
I rock it up every night Would you party with me? [DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
That's Caroline and that's me.
Four years.
Four years together, so It doesn't matter to me.
It's just what matters is respect.
[CRYlNG.]
I'm just so alone right now, man.
- lt is a real bad situation.
- Steve and Bree, babe.
Steve and Bree.
Because that's what this is about.
I agree.
You're good at your job, babe.
I'm so happy for you two.
You look great.
It feels a little bit like you're rubbing your happiness in my face but let's be honest, Bree, this doesn't look great on you.
This.
That's not a great look, Bree.
Congratulations, Steve.
Nice fedora.
And no open bar, Steve? Don't you understand that's tacky? Your dad's rich, you're a lawyer, man.
Yeah.
That happened.
The photo booth is a liar, FYl.
Oh, hey, ladies.
You guys want to see a grown man cry? No? Then get out! I think I saw a single doctor looking at you.
This is gonna take a while, Orange.
[JOHNNY MATHlS' "CHANCES ARE" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
Hey, there, partner.
[CHUCKLlNG.]
Chances are Hey, can I tell you something you promise to never tell Schmidt? I love bubbles.
I don't know why, I just always have.
Heh, heh, heh.
You see that? That was like two in one.
You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- Those guys were jerks.
But I know they're glad you're around.
- Really? - Yeah.
They're not just gonna come out and say it.
Especially Nick.
You know, but they're all thinking it.
Even me.
Most of the time.
It was weird when I was stuck in a freak sandwich between you and that 8-year-old.
Do you want to talk about that? Heh.
You know, it's just that he got to be a bit annoying so I kind of took my feelings out with dance.
Okay, so we have a situation.
NlCK: They want me to leave the booth, you clowns, but I'm not gonna leave.
- Hey, Nick.
How you doing, buddy? - They want me to leave the booth.
But I'm staying.
This is my home now.
It's got everything that I need.
You can see by looking at these pictures he's experiencing a variety of different emotions.
This one is-- Well, that's actually his butt.
- He just keeps saying "Jess.
" NlCK: Jess.
The fact is that I was a mean person and I'm sorry, okay? - Hi, Nicholas.
- Hey, Jess, I live in a photo booth now.
- Oh, is that so? - Yep.
Come on in, come on in.
- That's the kitchen.
- Very nice.
- This is the common area.
- Okay.
Dining room, living room, everything.
It's very nice.
Hey.
- She has a boyfriend.
- Yeah.
She shouldn't have been flirting with you all night.
You can't be her backup plan.
You have to let each other go.
So now you have to make a decision.
Am I gonna stay locked in a photo booth for the next hour or am I gonna get out there, take my shoes off and dance my face off? [LAUGHS.]
Come on, it's up to you.
Oh, man.
All right.
I love you, photo booth.
Yo, look at him.
He looks better.
I can't do this anymore.
I have to let you go, Caroline, for real.
It has to be over.
Goodbye.
Good luck and everything.
Goodbye.
All right, I've got to-- Excuse me.
[PHlL COLLlNS' "A GROOVY KlND OF LOVE" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
When I'm feeling blue - Come on, Jess.
- What? Just please, just come with me right now.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Then I'm not so blue When you're close to me I can feel your heartbeat I can hear you breathing In my ear Wouldn't you agree? Baby, you and me Got a groovy kind of love That looks like so much fun.
Any time you want to You can turn me on to Anything you want to Okay.
Any time at all When I kiss your lips Ooh, I start to shiver Can 't control the quivering inside Wouldn 't you agree? Baby, you and me Got a groovy kind of love Check out my beaks.
Stop copying my beaks.
Gretchen, you think that, like, hooking up at all these weddings one of these times, we can go on an actual date? No.
I'm just using you for your body.
Oh.
Okay.
Cool.
- How many more of these things? - We're just getting started.
[SlGHS.]
That yellow helmet is-- Ugh.
Tonight I'm gonna get certified on the River Schmidt.
Nick is Knickknack, or Mr.
Suspenders.
No nicknames.
Your only job tonight is to be Nick's girlfriend.
And make sure he stays out of trouble with Caroline.
- Why can't you and Winston help? SCHMlDT: We've tried.
He doesn't listen to us anymore.
She's not coming back.
[NlCK SOBBlNG.]
He's right.
I don't.
[JESS HUMMlNG.]
- No.
- That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess.
I'm gonna need you to step it up tonight.
When I see you, I want to be thinking: "Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?" [lN COCKNEY ACCENT.]
Probably the slut butler, right? Yo, let's go.
We can't be late.
I am in the wedding.
- You're the usher, relax.
- Yeah, I'll be busy.
I won't have to sit around answering stupid questions.
Like, "Do you have a job? Are you still playing basketball?" Does it look like I'm still playing overseas basketball? - What's the matter? - This is the first job I've had in months.
I want to get in there and ush this wedding in the face.
You're gonna be great, man.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
So when we do the chicken dance, I do it differently.
I know that it usually goes like: [HUMMlNG.]
But instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck.
Because it's more realistic.
No chicken dance.
Look, we're not trying to be mean.
We just don't want you to be yourself.
In any way.
Okay.
Suppress the Jess.
Got it.
- Did you use my hair gel? - Did I use your hair gel? I won't be mad.
Just let me know if you did.
- No.
- You sure? - I used your hair gel.
- Are you serious? NlCK: Yeah.
It's-- Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house? NlCK: Wow.
You look great.
[lN SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
Let's go knock biscuits, brother-cousins.
- No.
- No teeth, Jess.
- You can't use prop teeth.
JESS [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
: Come on, guys.
These are hilarious.
Kids love these.
[SlNGlNG.]
Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? - It's Jess [NlCK WHlSTLES.]
JESS: Want to know one of my beauty secrets? The only way I could fit in this dress was by wearing little girls' bicycle shorts underneath.
They are tight.
I will not be peeing tonight.
Oh, my God, bubbles.
No, no, Jess.
No bubbles, no bubbles, please.
Ooh, a lot of big game here tonight.
Ooh.
SCHMlDT: Oh, there's Brooke.
JESS: Who's Brooke? - He's been into her since freshman year.
She used to pass out drunk on our porch.
Like having a hot, alcoholic cat.
I'd always leave water out for her.
Okay.
Tonight just got real.
She goes on the kill list.
Because you're gonna attempt to kill her by having sex with her? - More or less.
- Oh, Schmidt.
One day you're gonna kill the nicest girl.
[MUSlClANS PLAYlNG CLASSlCAL MUSlC.]
Look at my new boyfriend.
So fancy in his big-boy tie.
Jess, would you please stop? What is it with Caroline? You're a different person.
Just focus on getting through today, please.
Okay, Mr.
Boy T.
Friend.
- What did I tell you? - Don't be myself.
- Yes.
- I love that about our relationship.
You never let me be myself.
[CHATTERlNG.]
MAN: Hey.
- Winston.
WlNSTON: Hey.
- You're back.
- Yeah.
What are you up to? Where you working at? Here.
As an usher.
Hi.
What a beautiful dress.
I'm surprised you noticed the dress.
I was distracted by the woman inside.
- Jimmy Longjam, alternate usher.
- Alternate usher.
- I mean, I'm here.
I'm the usher.
- You were late.
It's called commitment.
- Look it up in a typewriter, old man.
- What? - How much do you make? - Where is your mom? WOMAN: Can somebody help me? - Bride or groom? Thank you.
[CLlCKS TONGUE.]
Oh, no.
No, not tonight.
No.
- Who is that? - Gretchen.
She's a terrible person.
We can't stand each other.
At every wedding, we end up-- We end up having sex.
[BOTH MOANlNG.]
[BOTH MOANlNG AND GRUNTlNG.]
I mean, look, the sex is amazing.
- She's coming over.
- There are those people.
Oh, what people? [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Hello, Gretchen.
GRETCHEN: Mm-hm.
- I see you wore the pantsuit again.
- This is a new one.
It's got way more stretch in the pants.
- That's horrible.
- Ready for tonight? I'm gonna tie you down and show you pictures of my river rafting trip.
- Oh, God, how many are there? - It's a two-hour slideshow.
No, Gretchen.
We can't do this anymore, okay? It's not-- It's not healthy.
All right? Please, no more.
There she is.
There she is.
She's right over there.
She's right over here.
She's right-- - Just be cool.
JESS: Okay, okay.
- Hi.
- Hey, Caroline, wow.
I didn't know you'd be here.
Great to see you.
Nicholas, you have to introduce me.
Yeah, of course.
Jess, this is Caroline.
- Hi.
- One more time.
Cara-lee? - Caroline.
- Caraloo? Coraline? Caroline.
Okay.
Fancy.
Well, I'm Nicholas' girlfriend.
We just started dating, so we're still in that honeymoon phase.
Heh-heh.
I barely sleep.
So much doing it.
NlCK: So much doing it.
It's crazy.
He's so soft, like a towel.
Well, it was nice to meet you.
So nice to meet you too, Carol.
- Caroline.
- I give up.
I guess I'll see you later.
For sure, for sure.
Oh, my God.
Was she jealous? I think she was jealous.
You did so good.
That was remarkable.
[lN SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
I just done what my mama learnt me.
Give me the teeth.
I catch a paper boy But things don't really change I'm standing in the wind Brooke.
Hi.
Wow.
Schmidt.
You used to borrow my poncho freshman year.
Remember that? No? Fat Schmidt? Fat Schmidt.
Of course.
Wow, you look great.
You also, for sure.
Um How are your classes? I mean, not that we're in school anymore.
I know that.
- What are you drinking? White wine? - I'm not drinking.
I'm sober, six months.
- Can I get a seltzer, please? - Me too.
- You're six months sober also? - Seven months.
One more.
- Wow, that's great.
Congratulations.
- Here's your white wine.
What? What? That's a mistake.
No, I didn't order that.
No.
No, sir.
- Even the-- Even smell of it.
- I'm gonna run back to my table.
But you can come talk to me if you need to.
SCHMlDT: Okay, thank you.
So, what I need you to do is this.
I need you to put vodka in a water bottle.
Then rendezvous with me in the restroom, okay? Same page? Same page? [LAUGHS.]
This kid is pushing my buttons.
Winston, he's just a little boy.
Relax.
If Brooke asks, I'm clean and sober and looking to settle down.
Great.
Schmidt's sober.
What are you doing? She's looking at us.
- Your head is shaped like a yam.
- Yeah, I know.
I can't wear soft hats.
JESS: Uh-huh.
I want to talk to her by myself.
- No.
Are you sure? - Jess, I'm fine, for real.
Hi.
Could that ceremony have lasted any longer? Ha, ha, ha.
We loved it.
Taking notes in case Mr.
Commitment-Phobe over here decides to make an honest woman out of me.
Hey, Jess, did you want to go do that thing from? - Yes, I did.
I want to do it very badly.
Yup.
- Thank you.
And now for the first time ever, Mr.
and Mrs.
Handelman-Pyong.
[NAT KlNG COLE'S "FOR SENTlMENTAL REASONS" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
[CROWD CHEERlNG AND CLAPPlNG.]
Yeah! Bride and groom! Make way! Huzzah! Celebrate love! Get ready for a wonderful life of merriment and joy! Jess is - great.
- The best.
Yeah, so happy.
Are you guys pretty serious, or? Yeah, we are pretty serious.
Yeah, we live together.
I mean, different bedrooms, but shared bathroom, so that's something.
Alcohol.
Any kind of alcohol you have.
Just give me anything.
- Thanks.
GRETCHEN: Give me that.
Oh, God.
It's like you're lapping it out of a puddle.
[SCOFFS.]
You get those boots off a lady hiker? Look at those earrings.
Are they clip-ons? [WHlSPERlNG.]
I'm gonna make you wear them.
[SCHMlDT SlGHS.]
- Huh.
No.
- No? [BlLLY lDOL'S "DANClNG WlTH MYSELF" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
- ls it bad that I can't feel my legs? - Yes.
Now let's talk about my problems.
I have to go home with Brooke tonight.
I deserve someone like Brooke.
She's perfect.
And it doesn't matter that I have gymnastic mean-spirited, highly educational sex with Gretchen.
That's not what I want to do anymore.
Not tonight.
What's so bad about liking Gretchen? You obviously have a weird connection.
No, no, I want to connect with Brooke.
I want to connect in the shower, on the floor.
JESS: You know what? - Sitting lndian style.
I'm going to put my hands over my ears.
- We got a problem.
SCHMlDT: What? Jess, what did you do? - What? They're fine.
They're just talking.
WlNSTON: No, no, no.
With Caroline, he is not fine.
He ran into her at a party months ago, then sent me a 10-page e-mail about what she meant when she said, "I'll see you soon.
" She will flirt with him until she knows she can have him.
- It's like he's her backup plan.
- I didn't know that.
You want to live with Nick when he's not showering and crying all day? Yeah, he just sounds like this: Unh, wah-hah.
Ever heard a man sob and listen to Simon & Garfunkel? - Yeah, my dad.
- Yeah.
Okay, I get it, I'll go, but I just-- - These bicycle shorts are really tight.
SCHMlDT: Come on.
- Work through it, woman.
- Okay, okay.
Okay.
It's all on you, Jess.
[FRANZ FERDlNAND'S "DO YOU WANT TO" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
Come on in, honey.
- The water's fine.
- Jess, you know I don't dance.
Oh, but you didn't know that I did this: I'm mime-walking.
I'm Mime-chael Jackson.
CAROLlNE: I'll get a drink.
- Me too.
- Nick, wait, no.
- Jess, relax, this is good.
I may actually have a chance, and it's all because of you, so thank you.
No, Nick, that wasn't my intention.
Nick.
Oh, hi.
I don't feel like dancing right now.
I'm sorry.
Well, do you, do you, do you wanna? Wanna go? I'm really uncomfortable right now.
- Oh, Winston, thank God.
Nick got away.
- Nick can wait.
This-- This is about honor.
He's a friend and I knew him before you And it looks like we have a dance-off.
What? - Oh, my God, what are you doing? - Mommy? Mommy? [CROWD GROANlNG.]
Nick? Nick? A chocolate fountain.
Reminds me of the one in Tuscany.
You ever been? Yeah.
I was just there for New Year's.
Where's the chocolate fountain? I don't know, never been.
I'm fascinated with the culture.
JESS: Schmidt! Schmidt, I need you to help me get these off so I can go find Nick! God, are you friends with that girl? - Schmidt! - Okay, look, l-- I didn't want to have to tell you this but she was a mistake I made when I hit rock-bottom.
Like I was Sid and she was Nancy.
Then I got sober and she couldn't deal with it.
And the poor thing just went-- She went crazy.
Schmidt, I need you to come help me slap my thighs around! I don't want to scare you, but she can be really dangerous when she drinks.
I shouldn't even be in the same room with her, it's just-- It feels so good talking to you.
- Maybe we should get you out of here.
- What a great idea.
Yes.
I just have to go to the bathroom quickly.
Whatever you need.
Whatever-- Of course.
Ready? No lips.
- Name one, name one.
- Do, uh, wind tunnel.
Super high driver's license.
[CAROLlNE LAUGHlNG.]
Can we stay in here all night? JESS: Oh, hi.
Schmidt is very fond of you.
Um, look, I don't-- I don't even really know him that well, okay? Oh, I'm just cutting off my underwear.
You know.
Girl stuff.
[JESS GRUNTlNG.]
[SlGHS.]
So tight.
Well, it's been really nice chatting with you but I've got a pretend boyfriend to hunt down.
- I think he's cheating on me.
- Heh, heh, heh.
Oh, and don't break Schmidt's heart, or you'll have me to deal with.
[JESS LAUGHlNG.]
NlCK: This is fun.
CAROLlNE: Ha, ha, ha.
Aha! - I trusted you! NlCK: Jess, get out of here.
- Nothing happened.
- After everything we built.
- Go away, Jess.
- Who are you? No, really, nothing happened.
I have a boyfriend.
- Wait, you have a boyfriend? - Yeah, well, I've been seeing someone.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
- But now I know that you have Jess-- - Yeah, he has me.
And our baby.
Okay, I'm just gonna let you guys-- And our other baby! - Jess, what happened with Brooke? JESS: What? She left here in tears because she said you threatened her with a knife.
No, I was talking you up.
You shouldn't have.
You should have been taking care of Nick.
Why is it so hard to do one thing? - How is this my fault? - Ruiner.
[SCOFFS.]
Did you just call me a ruiner? - Yeah.
- Okay, you know what? Forget it.
I'm not helping you guys anymore.
Give me my teeth back.
- Stop.
- You don't appreciate them.
- Cool it.
- Give them back.
I'm gonna have fun, because there's nothing wrong with who I am and I like having fun at weddings.
And I like dancing.
And if you don't like that, then tough Tater Tots, tooter.
Jess is back.
[SlGHS.]
[DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
You're going home with me, aren't you? Lose control Get drunk because I'm a freak Good boy.
[SLAP.]
I rock it up every night Would you party with me? [DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
That's Caroline and that's me.
Four years.
Four years together, so It doesn't matter to me.
It's just what matters is respect.
[CRYlNG.]
I'm just so alone right now, man.
- lt is a real bad situation.
- Steve and Bree, babe.
Steve and Bree.
Because that's what this is about.
I agree.
You're good at your job, babe.
I'm so happy for you two.
You look great.
It feels a little bit like you're rubbing your happiness in my face but let's be honest, Bree, this doesn't look great on you.
This.
That's not a great look, Bree.
Congratulations, Steve.
Nice fedora.
And no open bar, Steve? Don't you understand that's tacky? Your dad's rich, you're a lawyer, man.
Yeah.
That happened.
The photo booth is a liar, FYl.
Oh, hey, ladies.
You guys want to see a grown man cry? No? Then get out! I think I saw a single doctor looking at you.
This is gonna take a while, Orange.
[JOHNNY MATHlS' "CHANCES ARE" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
Hey, there, partner.
[CHUCKLlNG.]
Chances are Hey, can I tell you something you promise to never tell Schmidt? I love bubbles.
I don't know why, I just always have.
Heh, heh, heh.
You see that? That was like two in one.
You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- Those guys were jerks.
But I know they're glad you're around.
- Really? - Yeah.
They're not just gonna come out and say it.
Especially Nick.
You know, but they're all thinking it.
Even me.
Most of the time.
It was weird when I was stuck in a freak sandwich between you and that 8-year-old.
Do you want to talk about that? Heh.
You know, it's just that he got to be a bit annoying so I kind of took my feelings out with dance.
Okay, so we have a situation.
NlCK: They want me to leave the booth, you clowns, but I'm not gonna leave.
- Hey, Nick.
How you doing, buddy? - They want me to leave the booth.
But I'm staying.
This is my home now.
It's got everything that I need.
You can see by looking at these pictures he's experiencing a variety of different emotions.
This one is-- Well, that's actually his butt.
- He just keeps saying "Jess.
" NlCK: Jess.
The fact is that I was a mean person and I'm sorry, okay? - Hi, Nicholas.
- Hey, Jess, I live in a photo booth now.
- Oh, is that so? - Yep.
Come on in, come on in.
- That's the kitchen.
- Very nice.
- This is the common area.
- Okay.
Dining room, living room, everything.
It's very nice.
Hey.
- She has a boyfriend.
- Yeah.
She shouldn't have been flirting with you all night.
You can't be her backup plan.
You have to let each other go.
So now you have to make a decision.
Am I gonna stay locked in a photo booth for the next hour or am I gonna get out there, take my shoes off and dance my face off? [LAUGHS.]
Come on, it's up to you.
Oh, man.
All right.
I love you, photo booth.
Yo, look at him.
He looks better.
I can't do this anymore.
I have to let you go, Caroline, for real.
It has to be over.
Goodbye.
Good luck and everything.
Goodbye.
All right, I've got to-- Excuse me.
[PHlL COLLlNS' "A GROOVY KlND OF LOVE" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
When I'm feeling blue - Come on, Jess.
- What? Just please, just come with me right now.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Then I'm not so blue When you're close to me I can feel your heartbeat I can hear you breathing In my ear Wouldn't you agree? Baby, you and me Got a groovy kind of love That looks like so much fun.
Any time you want to You can turn me on to Anything you want to Okay.
Any time at all When I kiss your lips Ooh, I start to shiver Can 't control the quivering inside Wouldn 't you agree? Baby, you and me Got a groovy kind of love Check out my beaks.
Stop copying my beaks.
Gretchen, you think that, like, hooking up at all these weddings one of these times, we can go on an actual date? No.
I'm just using you for your body.
Oh.
Okay.
Cool.
- How many more of these things? - We're just getting started.
[SlGHS.]
That yellow helmet is-- Ugh.
Tonight I'm gonna get certified on the River Schmidt.