Nighty Night s01e03 Episode Script

So this week, we're looking at the theme of punishment.
The sins of the father or mother, maybe an uncle at Christmastime.
And Cathy has volunteered for a past life session - No - I'm talking.
to see if crimes committed in Cathy's previous lives have caused her present condition and look.
Taking you down a marble staircase, Cathy.
Got your sticks, please, Cath? Don't slip.
Down you go, deep slumber, deep slumber.
37.
hold on to your sticks, please.
Under, deeper, 15, 14 (Door opens) Gina.
How would you fancy coming for a drink and a sausage in a basket? - Um - No.
- And you're under.
What year is it? - Um Er - I have to press you, Cathy.
- 18 What's your name, please, Cathy? - Dal Dal - Dal Dal Dalion.
Are you in England or are you in France, Cathy? You're in France, Cath.
You're a French fruit seller.
Hola, Dalion.
Who do you recognise, Dalion? The man opposite? - Er, no.
- The busty lady selling croissants? - No.
- Stumpy fellow in the shiny trousers? - Is he winking? - The short man.
He's a dwarf, Cathy.
Have you seen him before? - No.
- I think you have.
- Okey-dokey.
- You're in a bistro now with the dwarf.
You're having a nice cheesy soup.
Is he talking to you, Cathy? - No, he's gone.
- Go and check the toilets, Cathy.
- Is he there? - Yes, but - Tell me he's not masturbating, Cath.
- Oh, dear.
- Is he? - No, he's run away.
Chase him.
Go, Dalion, chase him, chase him.
Come on, trip him up, trip him up.
- He is very fast.
- He's only got stumpy legs.
Come on.
His wife's coming at you.
She's coming after you, Cath.
- You've been with him.
- No.
Yes, you have.
I think you have, Cathy.
Say it, say it, Cathy! Yeah, I do find it difficult.
Um I meant for her.
Mm, mm-hm, I mean, she's She's fine.
Fine.
Out on a jolly.
Release her, release her! - Say sorry.
- Sorry! - Say, "I deserve it.
" - I deserve it, I deserve it! Oh, Dalion, the wife is coming at you.
Cathy, run, run, she's coming at you! Aah! (Whimpers) - Hiya, Gordon.
- Jill.
- Everyone had fun? - Yeah, all right for some.
Personally, I'm quite drained, being one of life's givers.
Never stop to ask myself, "How are you, Jill? What do you need, Jill? "Want another sausage roll, Jill? Yes, please.
" God, you look dreadful, Cathy.
That bloody dwarf.
Got you a little sausage roll, Cathy.
Oh I'm vegetarian, Jill.
Oh, dear.
I have got you a present, actually, Cathy, perk you up.
Oh, Jill, really? You follow this, you can cure yourself of any disease, heal your relationship and look up to two years younger.
Oh, gosh, I've heard of the Caro Bibbens programme.
- Gordon and Sue did it, didn't they? - Yeah.
That is an absolute miracle, Cath.
Sue had perpetual thrush and a very nasty halitosis.
Thanks to Caro, that thrush has completely gone.
Here we are, then.
Hope you didn't mind me splashing out Big five-oh.
Gosh, I'm only 42, actually, Jill.
I could kill that dwarf, Cath.
Shall we settle up for the book now, Cathy? Otherwise it just gets nasty.
Um Oh, um, yes, of course.
- Sorry.
Just um - Thank you.
Here we are.
I'll take the fiver, as well, just for petrol.
- Lovely.
- Gosh.
It says that you're supposed to refrain from all sexual activity with your partner.
- Does it? - Mm.
Well, I suppose, end of the day, you gotta ask yourself, how much does Cathy really want to be well? (Woman on tape) Hi, my name is Caro Bibbens.
Welcome to day one of Celebrating The Celibate.
(Man) d Your lily is precious, I will not enter d Your lily is sacred, I will not bend her d - Don? - Hm? - d Your lily is precious, I will not d - Oh.
Um your lily is precious.
Sorry, do you mind singing it, Don? d Your lily is precious, I will not enter d Your lily is sacred, I will not bend her d (Phone) Hello, Jill? Terry.
Pick up if you're there.
Just wondering where you are.
- Hiya, Don.
- Jill.
Ohh.
Er was there anything? I was just, um just jogging off some grief, Don.
Right, I just, er How are you, Don? Great.
Just to say, Don, if you ever do need a shoulder to do anything on Darling Your tuna torpedo.
Hi, Cath.
Just been jogging the dog.
Right.
In your underwear? Oh, it's just more aerodynamic, Cathy.
I go quicker in the buff.
- God, you look wonderful, Cath.
- Do I? Yeah.
That programme's taken years off you.
I've only been doing it half an hour.
That's the miracle of Caro, Cath.
I'd cry if me ducts were working.
Right.
- See you later, Cath.
- Yes.
Good news.
Your husband's tumour has receded since the last session.
Thank you.
- When you say receded - Got smaller.
Smaller, right.
That is wonderful, innit? How would you feel about him coming home, if he continues - Have you told him it's got smaller? - Not the latest results, no.
Would you like to? - (Loudly) Hello, Jill.
- (Turns off music) - Ah, you all right? - No.
Oh.
Well? - I've just been to see Dr Wivel, Terry.
- Mm? I don't want you to take this the wrong way, OK? But he says it's grown.
It's biggened, Terry.
- What, the tumour? - I'm so sorry.
But I was feeling better.
I know.
It's the same with the suicidals.
They feel smashing just before they go.
But they said I could go home Am I about to Terry when you first came in, all right, Dr Wivel said the tumour was the size of a grapefruit.
- No, no, no, it was a big orange.
- I think Dr Wivel did say grapefruit.
- No, he said a big orange.
- Grapefruit.
The first chemo brought it down to a plum.
- A plum, yes - OK, when I saw Dr Wivel just now, he said it's approaching a pineapple.
A pineapple? I'm so sorry, Terry.
They think it's been growing in you for years.
Probably since before you were born.
- Small pineapple? - Medium.
I won't stay, you look quite depressed.
I know, but I'm sure Mary and Joseph must've had some difficult neighbours.
Oh, I'm sure, and Jill is very kind.
It's just that she's always here.
- Well, she's not here now, is she? - No.
Hiya, Cath.
Hiya, Sue.
Hi.
- Hello, Jill.
- Let myself in.
- Don't she look wonderful, Sue? - Mm.
That Caro Bibbens programme is amazing, Sue, innit? - No sign of that torment.
- Well done, you.
Yeah.
- Can I offer you a cup of tea? - Cup of tea would be nice.
OK.
Thanks.
(Groans) - I'll do it.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thanks, Sue.
- That's very kind.
- No trouble.
- Yes.
Aah.
- So - So.
How are you really, Cath? Well, um, I feel fine in myself.
I, um I don't think we'll stay the course with Caro.
You can't just give up the programme willy-nilly.
Have you seen Caro? I wouldn't mess with her.
Well, yes, and I do find her very inspiring and I know she cured herself of a lazy eye.
- And a cabbaged ear, Cath.
- It's just that Don's finding the celibacy a bit of a struggle.
Cathy, you have got to keep his toad from your hole.
Mm I suppose the problem is that Don He has strayed with my best friend Sandra.
Cathy, Terry strayed.
Well And ever since we came here, there does seem to be so many glamorous women.
Oh, I know, I'm sorry, I do try to dress down.
There's Gina at the surgery.
Gina? What, the dwarf with the styes? She's Japanese, Jill.
And there's Sue.
Well, you know, all that lovely hair.
And Don does like big chests.
Thanks, Sue.
Bless you.
Thank you.
- So, um - Are you finding the celibacy a struggle? - No, it's lovely.
- Don's finding the celibacy a struggle.
- Mm? - Yeah.
I prefer romance, really, and affection.
Do you blow him, Cath? To be honest, I I never quite know what I'm doing when I'm down there.
If it's sucking or blowing, you know.
Oh, dear.
Well, the proof is in the pudding, Cathy.
End of the day, is that a pudding you care to eat? - Not really.
- Mm.
Plenty of ladies love a pudding, eh, Sue? Mm.
How many of those have you had, Sue? Two.
I marinaded the lamb, Cath.
- For tonight.
- Oh.
That's so sweet of you.
Um the lamb was for tomorrow.
- But thank you.
- I'm so sorry.
Lamb? Sorry, what's happening tonight? Cath and Don invited us for dinner to talk about Caro Bibbens.
OK, lovely.
What time did you want me there, Cathy? Oh, the thing is, Jill, it was really just going to be the two couples.
Gordon and Sue have done the programme.
- I introduced you to it.
- You did.
Thank you.
Really, we just wanted to talk about how it affects couples.
OK.
Well, there's a programme on suicide I wanted to watch tonight anyway so OK, great, so so that's you sorted.
Sit at home and watch that.
Oh, I know what.
I meant to just say At some point, could I have that key back? Um David's coming back from school and, er You know, I mean, there's no great rush, but, you know, just some time when Maybe today or sort of now if, er (Sighing on TV) (Woman) Mother! (Man groans) Father! Isn't Caro wonderful? Mm yeah.
Lover! (Heavy breathing) Apparently, she cured herself of a lazy eye.
- (Groaning and sighing on TV) - I've just got to, er Hm? (d All Saints: Bootie Call) I was thinking a Hot Copper Fox with a Burst Cheddar sprinkle.
- This is so generous of you, Jill.
- I know.
Joy, when you find the energy to close your mouth, perhaps you'd be kind enough to mix up Sue's colour, please? - Cath's doing well, isn't she? - Yeah.
She does exhaust me, Sue.
I'm sure she appreciates your help.
Although I know she can feel a little bit cramped at times.
That'll be her wheelchair, Sue.
- No, by you, Jill.
- Oh, she can be ungrateful like that.
I'm sorry, Jill, I feel perhaps you're not listening.
This is it, Sue, she finds it so hard to listen because of her illness.
She's so obsessed by it.
No, thanks.
There we are, Sue.
Got some little grey bits coming through.
- Have I? - The ageing process.
- Shame, innit? - Mm.
While I got you here, Sue, I did want to talk to you about surgery.
I'm looking specifically here and here.
I can't offer you a full surgical reduction, but what I can suggest for you is a swaddling strap, which would tame the breasts, inviting the nipples to go backwards if they're overly confident, which I think yours probably are.
Confirmed.
I mean I know I'm well endowed, but I'm happy with that.
You are stooping, though, Sue, developing a bit of a big girl's hump.
- Am I? - Mm.
But that is kind of what God's given me.
And God can take it away, Sue.
God could come down tomorrow morning and take those off you in one fell swoop.
- I'm sure God like breasts.
- I'm sure, but Satan likes them more.
As a Christian, Sue, you cannot be a vessel for Satan's pointing fingers.
Thank you, Joy.
Could you get that, please, Joy? I'm sick of carrying this salon on my own.
Linda, when you've had your weep in your pasty, perhaps you'd have the decency to burst Sue's Cheddar.
Thank you.
- (Laughter) - But has has the programme helped? Well, I don't know if I've got any more actual ability, but I feel so much better.
And I think Don's noticed been noticing that, as well, so, er Is anybody chilly? I could put the heating on.
No, fine.
Sue, can I get you a pully? I'm fine.
Gordon and I found it very enriching.
- It really focused our sensuality.
- Mm-hm.
I rediscovered Sue's body in a completely new way.
- We tried some of the exercises outside.
- Mm, naked.
- The goddess.
- Anyone for pud? I'd cup my breasts and offer up my nipples as Gordon chanted.
It's tiramisu.
(Sighs deeply) Don, are you going to get the tiramisu? (Both breathing deeply) (Don groaning) Don! Hello? (d Peruvian pipe music) I know.
Cathy didn't want me here tonight.
But I have bought us all a Peanut Grigio and that is 7.
99.
- Ooh, lovely.
- We can square up later.
Otherwise it just gets nasty.
'Scuse me, Sue.
Gordon? Don.
- You happy with your hair, Sue? - Yes.
It's not blonde blonde.
- No, but it is blonde.
- Mm.
How many of those have you had, Sue? Two.
I'd like to propose a toast tonight to someone very special.
Someone who quietly carries the world on their shoulders.
Someone so brave, so dignified, to whom life has dealt a very difficult course.
To Don.
'Scuse me.
(Yawns) Quite exhausted.
You do look dreadful, Cath.
You should go to bed.
Absolutely dreadful.
A-Actually, l-I think we should hit the hay, Jill.
Night, then, Gordon.
Night, Sue.
Gordon and Sue are, er staying here tonight, Jill, because of the asylum seekers at the vicarage.
I think everyone's rather tired, Jill.
You do look quite rough, Sue, but then that chest must be exhausting.
Sorry, I think, um I think it's, um I think I think it's probably time you went, Jill.
(Gordon) Good night, Jill.
Bye, Jill.
Would you walk me home, please, Don? Um OK.
Gordon, do you want to make sure Don gets home OK? Righty-ho.
I'll walk you over there, Gordon.
I could do with the fresh air.
And then I find you jigging downstairs.
Catherine I was thinking of you.
I look at Gordon and Sue's relationship and it's it's so beautiful and respectful and spiritual.
(Rhythmic creaking) (Moaning) Do you want us to be man and wife again, Don? - (Moaning) - Yes! - (Loud groaning) - Yes.
(Loud groaning) d My lily opens to you, forgives the wrong you do d Accepts your violation and weeps with joyful woe d (Sue screams) - Go on.
- Um A-Are you gonna be The singing's a bit Oh, Don, before violation, you have to triple cleanse the organ.
The bowls are in the bathroom.
There's the ginger and hyssop dip.
Then the pepper and lime scrape and lastly the white germander scrub.
Right.
(Dog barks) (Tapping) (Mobile phone) - Catherine - Get out! - Those could be anyone's.
- Get out! Just go, go! (Dog barking) It's all starting again.
(Whispers) Oh, Cathy.
(Sobbing)