No Good Nick (2019) s01e03 Episode Script
The Money-Box Scheme
1 [LIZ.]
How does a label fall off a wine bottle? That doesn't just happen.
See anything weird at the restaurant? Saw a dude pay 30 bucks for spaghetti.
Anything weird about the wine? You were in the wine closet.
Did any other labels fall off? No, not that I know of.
You should ask whoever sold you the wine.
Wait a sec.
Is it possible? Is what possible? I've been using a new distributor.
Do you think they've been selling me counterfeit bottles? What a disaster.
If word gets out that I served knockoff wine, I'll be slinging jalepeño poppers at a chain restaurant! [PHONE RINGS.]
Crap! It's the restaurant! It's Liz.
Wow.
You and Mom shouldn't be this drunk this early.
Mom dropped it because the label fell off the bottle.
At least find a better excuse than that.
Well, apparently, tonight was an unqualified success.
The restaurant is booked solid for two months.
That's fantastic.
Plus, thanks to Nick's great idea, we sold over $8,000 worth of wine.
$8,000! Wow, that's so great for you.
What about the wine? Well, nobody said anything, so I say we just drop it.
As far as we know, it was a bad bottle.
No point poking the bear.
Sweep it under the rug, got it.
Not you, Molly.
It's kind of an outrage that people would spend that kind of money on one meal.
You can feed an entire village for the price of this wine bottle.
Totally.
That money could have gone to so many more deserving people.
What's she so upset about? She should be thrilled the way she played us at chore market.
Let it go already.
I'm just saying, who's stuck cleaning the kitchen, and who's watching videos of baby goats doing yoga? Okay, one, the goats don't do the yoga.
That'd be absurd.
They just watch.
And two, we were the ones trying to play her, remember? I feel like we got what we deserved.
[MOLLY SIGHS.]
And PS trash is full.
Go earn your two dollars.
[PHONE BUZZES.]
Dad? Nicky, hey, how you doing? I don't have the money yet.
We just talked last night.
No, that's not why I'm calling.
It's just I wanted to check and make sure you're okay.
You seemed upset.
- I'm fine.
- Good.
I miss you, kid.
How's school? Are you eating okay? Liz is a pretty good cook, but let's just say her marinara is trying way too hard.
Our marinara is ketchup.
Hey, Nick, as long as I have you on the phone, I do still need some money.
- You know, whatever you can get.
- Okay.
I'll figure something out.
Thanks, kiddo.
I know you will.
Hey, who got kicked off The Great British Baking Show last night? the Wi-Fi in prison sucks.
Hey, Nick.
- Hello? Was it Nigel? Don't tell me it was Nigel.
Who you talking to? Robo-call.
Was it Elizabeth from Marriott Resorts? Man, I hate her.
I was noticing all this amazing stuff.
Where'd you get all these? - I made 'em.
- No way.
This is my Etsy business.
Here's one I just finished.
It's a banyan tree.
I made it from a book on the history of Hawaii.
Took about three weeks.
Could've been two if not for paper cuts.
Wow.
These are amazing.
You're like a genuine artist.
There you are.
You ready for school? The bus is gonna be here any minute.
I'm good to go.
I was just checking out Ed's trees.
Nick is taking an interest in my genuine artistry.
- Is this from Wuthering Heights? - Good eye.
Yeah, Ed likes to use rare books and old maps.
It's something you could do literally with any newspaper - but Ed says there's a difference.
- There is.
Those old pages are like butter in my confident hand.
I like to think that each page tells a story.
They do, before you cut them up.
[LIZ.]
Nick, I mean, he even has an antique paper cutter and gold-plated craft knives.
- That sounds expensive.
- Yeah.
Don't forget about these tiny magnifying glasses that I don't really need but are really cool.
I don't get it either.
But when Ed gets into something, he goes all in.
[NICK.]
I hear the bus.
See you at the restaurant later.
[ED CHUCKLES.]
You know what? I just had a great idea.
I'm gonna make a special piece for Nick.
Don't make it out of the Magna Carta.
Molly, I love this Insta you posted at the soup kitchen.
Thanks.
The Valencia filter really made the hairnet pop.
- Definitely.
- For sure.
Question about the Volunteer Squad.
Do we ever raise money, or do we just raise awareness? We used to do a bake sale to raise money for the homeless, then we realized it was just easier to give them the food.
Yeah, that makes sense.
So what are we thinking about this costume dance? Oh, it's gonna be amazing.
Yeah, but is there, like, a ticket-selling opportunity? Is there like a coat check? What do we charge for valet parking? This is Jeremy's thing, so you can assume it's all taken care of.
- What are you guys wearing? - No, Tamika, don't.
I'm going as a cat.
Wow, good for you.
I really admire you for being brave enough to be so basic.
[WHISPERS.]
Thank you.
But I feel, as the leader of the Volunteer Squad, that we have an opportunity, and honestly, a responsibility, to make a social statement with our costumes.
That's why I'm going as income inequality.
That's my favorite type of inequality.
Well, I I didn't know Well, no one said Come on, Molly.
You don't have to always be so modest.
The cat is really an endangered Siberian tiger.
Molly got the idea when she was making a donation out of her own allowance to preserve their shrinking habitat.
I mean, I didn't wanna brag.
- It's not a competition.
- Uh-uh.
Obviously.
Dude, why are you texting me in the middle of social studies? What if someone sees us? Maybe if you hadn't ignored the other 50 texts that I sent you, I wouldn't have to crawl through the girl's bathroom window to talk to you.
Those get smaller every year.
- Is that why you look terrible? - No.
I'm also hungover from drinking all that wine you stole.
Then why are you here? Look, I know that Sam and I agreed to the long con, but long doesn't mean never.
We have to start seeing some results.
What about all the watches and the silverware you promised us? I am trying my best.
It's not my fault the wine thing didn't work out.
- That was 100% your fault.
- Okay, look, you're not the only one who lost money.
I had big plans for my half.
- I'll get you something soon, just go.
- Fine.
Have any Vaseline or butter? I don't think I'm gonna make it back out that window.
Just use the door! So saw you talking to your social worker in the hall today.
That was weird.
What was she doing at school? Oh, so you're spying on me.
No.
Is there a reason I should be? No.
Dorothy just needs to make sure I'm settling in at home and at school.
Then why were you whispering? 'Cause we're considerate.
What's Dorothy's last name? I'd love to verify her credentials.
Seriously? - Unless you're hiding something? - Fine, knock yourself out.
Her last name's Wojciechowski.
How do you spell that? I don't know.
The usual way.
- Done and done, Mr.
President.
- [PAPER RATTLES.]
- [LAUGHING.]
Sweet! - What is that? A replica of the Declaration of Independence for his costume.
Just another artistic thing I can do with paper.
What's your costume? Oh, I'm going as my personal hero Thomas Jefferson.
We're actually on very similar career paths.
He was a rep at the Constitutional Convention.
I'm a rep of the sophomore class.
Then he became vice president, then president.
Yeah, the dance committee isn't exactly a constitutional convention.
This isn't just a dance.
If I can make this the year's best-attended dance, I'm a shoo-in for veep when I'm a junior and president when I'm a senior.
With that on my application, Stanford, here I come! Dad, hit me.
How do I look? It's hard to tell where one president ends and the next one begins.
Thanks.
I'd like to think that if Thomas Jefferson were going to a costume dance, he'd dress up as me.
[YELLING.]
Liz, come quick! What? What's the emergency? Huh? Oh No emergency.
I was making meringue, and it was soft-peaking.
Sorry.
I came in looking for clues about what Nick likes so I'd know what to make for her.
What do you see? Someone who's not getting lemon meringue pie tonight.
[SIGHS.]
I don't know, I see Molly's room, I see Molly's stuff.
Molly's propaganda.
Exactly.
But this is Molly and Nick's room now.
Nick hasn't put anything up.
There's nothing here of hers.
She hasn't even unpacked her suitcase.
Maybe she's a huge procrastinator.
You haven't unpacked your suitcase from our last vacation.
That was our honeymoon.
I'm just worried she doesn't feel welcome here.
How much more welcoming can we be? We took her in, we gave her chores just like our other two kids, we expanded her culinary horizons with my gourmet cooking.
You still call this Molly's room.
I can't help that.
This has been Molly's room since she was born.
You know, that's where her crib used to be.
And she took her very first steps right there.
It's not easy to change 13 years of history.
But it's more than that.
You never ask Nick what she wants when you shop.
You say "our two kids" when you talk about the family.
I feel like you just still don't want Nick here.
Oh, so I'm the reason Nick doesn't feel welcome? - Now I understand.
- That's not what I meant.
Thanks for calling me up here to remind me I'm always the bad guy.
Amanda posted another O.
O.
T.
D.
Who cares about your shoes when there's so much income inequality in the world? She'll learn so much when she sees your costume at the dance.
Totally.
Unlike.
Stop breathing on me.
You seriously need to get a phone.
Tell my parents.
They think it's perfectly appropriate to accelerate me two years in school, but not give me the means to fit in with my peers.
The struggle is real.
[GIGGLES.]
So, I've been thinking about the dance.
Look, it's great that we're all wearing socially conscious costumes, but what about all the other kids? - What do you mean? - Isn't it our duty to educate them? Isn't that what the Volunteer Squad is about? I don't know, it just it sounds like a lot of work.
Which is totally not a problem, 'cause that's what we do.
Love where you're going with this.
We are all about outreach.
So what if everyone shows up wearing insensitive or even offensive costumes? We can't let that happen.
Oh my God, she's right.
This is a potential crisis.
What do we do? We go talk to Jeremy.
Whatever.
If it's important to you, then make up guidelines for what people should and shouldn't wear and send out an email blast.
Oh my God, that would be amazing.
Oh, but wait a minute.
The dance is Saturday, and everyone already has their costumes.
That could really hurt attendance.
That's not an option.
Well, and this is just off the top of my head, What if we fine people, like, five dollars, if they wear something offensive? It's win-win.
You'll still get the best-attended dance of the year, you still go to Stanford, and we can use the funds to hire a cultural sensitivity trainer.
- Woo! - Great idea.
- Amazing.
- I've got a good feeling about this.
No way.
I'm not letting you fine people at my dance.
We're not asking you, we're telling you.
You do not wanna mess with the Volunteer Squad.
Let us do the fines or suffer the consequences.
Yeah, right.
What are you gonna do? [CHANTING.]
Jeremy, the enemy! Jeremy, the enemy! My first scandal.
What would Jefferson do? [CHANTING.]
Jeremy, the enemy! Jeremy Thompson, tool of the establishment.
Jeremy, the enemy! Opponent of social progress.
Jeremy, the enemy! Stand with us! Boycott the costume dance! Boycott? Whoa! - I've got a lot riding on this.
- That's right.
How does the worst-attended dance of the year sound on your future résumé? No one's gonna like paying a fine, but it's better than having no dance at all.
Jeremy, the enemy! Okay, okay.
You can have your fines.
It's a deal.
Deal.
Deal.
Your cat costume looks fierce.
I know, right? [BOTH GIGGLE.]
Thanks for saving me in front of Becky with the whole Siberian tiger thing.
- It's nice to know you have my back.
- That's what roomies are for.
They're almost ready to open the doors.
- By the way, brilliant idea for a costume, Nick.
- Thanks.
I don't think I have to worry about anyone else going as predatory student loans.
Way to raise awareness.
College is coming up faster than we think.
As the 99 percent, I totally agree, but as the one percent, my only money problem is trying to get on the Rich Kids of Instagram.
Tamiko, Xuan, you guys look awesome.
Thanks.
I'm GMO corn.
You don't eat it, it eats you.
- What are you supposed to be? - I'm recycling.
Ah! Hang on.
We're authorized by the dance committee to inform you that your samurai costume is insensitive.
We'll have to fine you for cultural appropriation.
Five dollars.
Enjoy your evening.
Hi, Olga.
- Cute pirate outfit.
- Thanks.
I don't see any problems with that.
Have fun.
Not so fast.
Real pirates, like they have in Somalia, are desperate victims of oppression.
Did you see that Tom Hanks movie? Turner and Hooch? We're gonna have to fine you for your white privilege.
Five bucks.
Great plan, Nick.
Fining people is much better than just distributing a list of rules.
We'll make lots of money.
For the cultural sensitivity trainer.
Ah! Uh-oh.
Peace offering? Label's still attached.
I checked.
Sure.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
You really hurt my feelings.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Of course I want Nick to feel welcome here, but I'm not like you.
I don't jump in head-first.
I have to get acclimated.
That's why you never go swimming.
We're having fun in the pool, and you're still testing the waters.
Are we all having fun? It's like that time you bought the kids a trampoline.
Then Jeremy wound up in the ER with a concussion.
That only happened twice.
But you didn't buy a trampoline this time.
You bought another kid.
So what are you saying? I don't know.
Do we have another kid now? I mean, just like that? No talking about it, no discussion? What's to say? I mean, she's family.
Have you really thought about what that means? You know Nick staying here brings up issues that a paper sculpture won't solve.
You know, like how is it affecting the other kids? And what about Nick? She lost her parents.
Can we give her the emotional support she needs? Does she even wanna stay? Like you said, she hasn't unpacked her suitcase.
Okay, maybe I didn't think about all that, but I just saw a girl who needed a family, and I knew we had to do the right thing.
That's what I love about you.
I guess we'll just have to figure this out together.
- Yeah.
- But we have to be on the same page before we put any more place settings at the table.
Speaking of being on the same page, I'm still gonna make her a paper sculpture.
Yeah, I'm still gonna finish this whole bottle.
So you're making fun of low-income families who've lost their job to automation? Real funny.
Five bucks.
Trigger warning! Animal cruelty.
Five dollars.
Hemophilia is a serious disease that affects dozens.
Pay up.
Sorry, a Bigfoot costume is offensive to people with alopecia.
[MONEY BOX RATTLES.]
I hold these truths to be self-evident, that my constituents have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of the best-attended dance of the year.
- What? - Oh, hell no! What's the problem? That costume is totally unacceptable.
How exactly? Hello.
Jefferson was a slave owner.
And that was awful, but he did write the Declaration of Independence.
He fathered six children with Sally Hemings.
Okay, that's even worse But he also fathered the Louisiana Purchase.
- This is outrageous.
- This is thoroughly problematic.
Okay, you're right.
I'll pay.
Here's five bucks.
There's no fine big enough to get you in.
You're stopping me from attending my own dance? I spent months organizing this.
Well, give us one sec.
This wasn't a part of the plan.
Jeremy is gonna blame me for this.
He doesn't like me as it is.
We can't give up the moral high ground to protect one relationship.
- Can't we just let this slide? - No way.
But as sophomore class rep, shouldn't he get executive privilege or immunity? Either is fine.
Yeah, listen to her.
We are.
Nick taught us not to let anything slide.
- Yeah, but what do I know? - You have no authority to do this.
Jeremy, the enemy! [ALL.]
Jeremy, the enemy! Stop this! This is crazy! I'm going in.
You can't stop me.
[ALL.]
Jeremy, the enemy! It's not worth it, boss.
But seriously, that costume not cool, dude.
Et tu, Jimbo? I got some money.
About seven hundred bucks, and it's all yours, Dad.
Don't worry about the Harbaughs.
I'll handle them.
How should I get it to you? Mm-hm.
Yeah, I'm looking for someone in your system.
Her name is Dorothy Wojciechowski.
I don't know.
The usual way.
Thanks.
Er, hold on a sec.
Hey.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry you missed the dance last night.
You know, everything was fine around here until you showed up.
Now all this crazy stuff's happening.
I do double the chores for half the money, and get kicked out of my dance.
I know I've thrown a wrench into things.
I feel terrible.
I never meant for that to happen.
Things just got out of hand last night.
The squad should've totally let you in.
You think? Well maybe this will make things up to you.
Turns out when the squad opened the cash box, it was a lot less than we thought.
We didn't make enough to hire a cultural sensitivity trainer.
So I convinced everyone to donate the money to a charity in your name.
"A donation has been made in the name of Jeremy Thompson in appreciation of his organizing the best-attended dance of the year.
" You can hang it in your student council room.
Wow.
Thanks, Nick.
That was nice of you.
Hey, happy to help.
Okay, see you later.
Gotta hit the books.
Sorry.
Yeah, I'm back.
So there's no Dorothy Wojciechowski in the social services' database? And you tried every spelling? Okay.
Thanks.
Maybe you're not so nice after all.
How does a label fall off a wine bottle? That doesn't just happen.
See anything weird at the restaurant? Saw a dude pay 30 bucks for spaghetti.
Anything weird about the wine? You were in the wine closet.
Did any other labels fall off? No, not that I know of.
You should ask whoever sold you the wine.
Wait a sec.
Is it possible? Is what possible? I've been using a new distributor.
Do you think they've been selling me counterfeit bottles? What a disaster.
If word gets out that I served knockoff wine, I'll be slinging jalepeño poppers at a chain restaurant! [PHONE RINGS.]
Crap! It's the restaurant! It's Liz.
Wow.
You and Mom shouldn't be this drunk this early.
Mom dropped it because the label fell off the bottle.
At least find a better excuse than that.
Well, apparently, tonight was an unqualified success.
The restaurant is booked solid for two months.
That's fantastic.
Plus, thanks to Nick's great idea, we sold over $8,000 worth of wine.
$8,000! Wow, that's so great for you.
What about the wine? Well, nobody said anything, so I say we just drop it.
As far as we know, it was a bad bottle.
No point poking the bear.
Sweep it under the rug, got it.
Not you, Molly.
It's kind of an outrage that people would spend that kind of money on one meal.
You can feed an entire village for the price of this wine bottle.
Totally.
That money could have gone to so many more deserving people.
What's she so upset about? She should be thrilled the way she played us at chore market.
Let it go already.
I'm just saying, who's stuck cleaning the kitchen, and who's watching videos of baby goats doing yoga? Okay, one, the goats don't do the yoga.
That'd be absurd.
They just watch.
And two, we were the ones trying to play her, remember? I feel like we got what we deserved.
[MOLLY SIGHS.]
And PS trash is full.
Go earn your two dollars.
[PHONE BUZZES.]
Dad? Nicky, hey, how you doing? I don't have the money yet.
We just talked last night.
No, that's not why I'm calling.
It's just I wanted to check and make sure you're okay.
You seemed upset.
- I'm fine.
- Good.
I miss you, kid.
How's school? Are you eating okay? Liz is a pretty good cook, but let's just say her marinara is trying way too hard.
Our marinara is ketchup.
Hey, Nick, as long as I have you on the phone, I do still need some money.
- You know, whatever you can get.
- Okay.
I'll figure something out.
Thanks, kiddo.
I know you will.
Hey, who got kicked off The Great British Baking Show last night? the Wi-Fi in prison sucks.
Hey, Nick.
- Hello? Was it Nigel? Don't tell me it was Nigel.
Who you talking to? Robo-call.
Was it Elizabeth from Marriott Resorts? Man, I hate her.
I was noticing all this amazing stuff.
Where'd you get all these? - I made 'em.
- No way.
This is my Etsy business.
Here's one I just finished.
It's a banyan tree.
I made it from a book on the history of Hawaii.
Took about three weeks.
Could've been two if not for paper cuts.
Wow.
These are amazing.
You're like a genuine artist.
There you are.
You ready for school? The bus is gonna be here any minute.
I'm good to go.
I was just checking out Ed's trees.
Nick is taking an interest in my genuine artistry.
- Is this from Wuthering Heights? - Good eye.
Yeah, Ed likes to use rare books and old maps.
It's something you could do literally with any newspaper - but Ed says there's a difference.
- There is.
Those old pages are like butter in my confident hand.
I like to think that each page tells a story.
They do, before you cut them up.
[LIZ.]
Nick, I mean, he even has an antique paper cutter and gold-plated craft knives.
- That sounds expensive.
- Yeah.
Don't forget about these tiny magnifying glasses that I don't really need but are really cool.
I don't get it either.
But when Ed gets into something, he goes all in.
[NICK.]
I hear the bus.
See you at the restaurant later.
[ED CHUCKLES.]
You know what? I just had a great idea.
I'm gonna make a special piece for Nick.
Don't make it out of the Magna Carta.
Molly, I love this Insta you posted at the soup kitchen.
Thanks.
The Valencia filter really made the hairnet pop.
- Definitely.
- For sure.
Question about the Volunteer Squad.
Do we ever raise money, or do we just raise awareness? We used to do a bake sale to raise money for the homeless, then we realized it was just easier to give them the food.
Yeah, that makes sense.
So what are we thinking about this costume dance? Oh, it's gonna be amazing.
Yeah, but is there, like, a ticket-selling opportunity? Is there like a coat check? What do we charge for valet parking? This is Jeremy's thing, so you can assume it's all taken care of.
- What are you guys wearing? - No, Tamika, don't.
I'm going as a cat.
Wow, good for you.
I really admire you for being brave enough to be so basic.
[WHISPERS.]
Thank you.
But I feel, as the leader of the Volunteer Squad, that we have an opportunity, and honestly, a responsibility, to make a social statement with our costumes.
That's why I'm going as income inequality.
That's my favorite type of inequality.
Well, I I didn't know Well, no one said Come on, Molly.
You don't have to always be so modest.
The cat is really an endangered Siberian tiger.
Molly got the idea when she was making a donation out of her own allowance to preserve their shrinking habitat.
I mean, I didn't wanna brag.
- It's not a competition.
- Uh-uh.
Obviously.
Dude, why are you texting me in the middle of social studies? What if someone sees us? Maybe if you hadn't ignored the other 50 texts that I sent you, I wouldn't have to crawl through the girl's bathroom window to talk to you.
Those get smaller every year.
- Is that why you look terrible? - No.
I'm also hungover from drinking all that wine you stole.
Then why are you here? Look, I know that Sam and I agreed to the long con, but long doesn't mean never.
We have to start seeing some results.
What about all the watches and the silverware you promised us? I am trying my best.
It's not my fault the wine thing didn't work out.
- That was 100% your fault.
- Okay, look, you're not the only one who lost money.
I had big plans for my half.
- I'll get you something soon, just go.
- Fine.
Have any Vaseline or butter? I don't think I'm gonna make it back out that window.
Just use the door! So saw you talking to your social worker in the hall today.
That was weird.
What was she doing at school? Oh, so you're spying on me.
No.
Is there a reason I should be? No.
Dorothy just needs to make sure I'm settling in at home and at school.
Then why were you whispering? 'Cause we're considerate.
What's Dorothy's last name? I'd love to verify her credentials.
Seriously? - Unless you're hiding something? - Fine, knock yourself out.
Her last name's Wojciechowski.
How do you spell that? I don't know.
The usual way.
- Done and done, Mr.
President.
- [PAPER RATTLES.]
- [LAUGHING.]
Sweet! - What is that? A replica of the Declaration of Independence for his costume.
Just another artistic thing I can do with paper.
What's your costume? Oh, I'm going as my personal hero Thomas Jefferson.
We're actually on very similar career paths.
He was a rep at the Constitutional Convention.
I'm a rep of the sophomore class.
Then he became vice president, then president.
Yeah, the dance committee isn't exactly a constitutional convention.
This isn't just a dance.
If I can make this the year's best-attended dance, I'm a shoo-in for veep when I'm a junior and president when I'm a senior.
With that on my application, Stanford, here I come! Dad, hit me.
How do I look? It's hard to tell where one president ends and the next one begins.
Thanks.
I'd like to think that if Thomas Jefferson were going to a costume dance, he'd dress up as me.
[YELLING.]
Liz, come quick! What? What's the emergency? Huh? Oh No emergency.
I was making meringue, and it was soft-peaking.
Sorry.
I came in looking for clues about what Nick likes so I'd know what to make for her.
What do you see? Someone who's not getting lemon meringue pie tonight.
[SIGHS.]
I don't know, I see Molly's room, I see Molly's stuff.
Molly's propaganda.
Exactly.
But this is Molly and Nick's room now.
Nick hasn't put anything up.
There's nothing here of hers.
She hasn't even unpacked her suitcase.
Maybe she's a huge procrastinator.
You haven't unpacked your suitcase from our last vacation.
That was our honeymoon.
I'm just worried she doesn't feel welcome here.
How much more welcoming can we be? We took her in, we gave her chores just like our other two kids, we expanded her culinary horizons with my gourmet cooking.
You still call this Molly's room.
I can't help that.
This has been Molly's room since she was born.
You know, that's where her crib used to be.
And she took her very first steps right there.
It's not easy to change 13 years of history.
But it's more than that.
You never ask Nick what she wants when you shop.
You say "our two kids" when you talk about the family.
I feel like you just still don't want Nick here.
Oh, so I'm the reason Nick doesn't feel welcome? - Now I understand.
- That's not what I meant.
Thanks for calling me up here to remind me I'm always the bad guy.
Amanda posted another O.
O.
T.
D.
Who cares about your shoes when there's so much income inequality in the world? She'll learn so much when she sees your costume at the dance.
Totally.
Unlike.
Stop breathing on me.
You seriously need to get a phone.
Tell my parents.
They think it's perfectly appropriate to accelerate me two years in school, but not give me the means to fit in with my peers.
The struggle is real.
[GIGGLES.]
So, I've been thinking about the dance.
Look, it's great that we're all wearing socially conscious costumes, but what about all the other kids? - What do you mean? - Isn't it our duty to educate them? Isn't that what the Volunteer Squad is about? I don't know, it just it sounds like a lot of work.
Which is totally not a problem, 'cause that's what we do.
Love where you're going with this.
We are all about outreach.
So what if everyone shows up wearing insensitive or even offensive costumes? We can't let that happen.
Oh my God, she's right.
This is a potential crisis.
What do we do? We go talk to Jeremy.
Whatever.
If it's important to you, then make up guidelines for what people should and shouldn't wear and send out an email blast.
Oh my God, that would be amazing.
Oh, but wait a minute.
The dance is Saturday, and everyone already has their costumes.
That could really hurt attendance.
That's not an option.
Well, and this is just off the top of my head, What if we fine people, like, five dollars, if they wear something offensive? It's win-win.
You'll still get the best-attended dance of the year, you still go to Stanford, and we can use the funds to hire a cultural sensitivity trainer.
- Woo! - Great idea.
- Amazing.
- I've got a good feeling about this.
No way.
I'm not letting you fine people at my dance.
We're not asking you, we're telling you.
You do not wanna mess with the Volunteer Squad.
Let us do the fines or suffer the consequences.
Yeah, right.
What are you gonna do? [CHANTING.]
Jeremy, the enemy! Jeremy, the enemy! My first scandal.
What would Jefferson do? [CHANTING.]
Jeremy, the enemy! Jeremy Thompson, tool of the establishment.
Jeremy, the enemy! Opponent of social progress.
Jeremy, the enemy! Stand with us! Boycott the costume dance! Boycott? Whoa! - I've got a lot riding on this.
- That's right.
How does the worst-attended dance of the year sound on your future résumé? No one's gonna like paying a fine, but it's better than having no dance at all.
Jeremy, the enemy! Okay, okay.
You can have your fines.
It's a deal.
Deal.
Deal.
Your cat costume looks fierce.
I know, right? [BOTH GIGGLE.]
Thanks for saving me in front of Becky with the whole Siberian tiger thing.
- It's nice to know you have my back.
- That's what roomies are for.
They're almost ready to open the doors.
- By the way, brilliant idea for a costume, Nick.
- Thanks.
I don't think I have to worry about anyone else going as predatory student loans.
Way to raise awareness.
College is coming up faster than we think.
As the 99 percent, I totally agree, but as the one percent, my only money problem is trying to get on the Rich Kids of Instagram.
Tamiko, Xuan, you guys look awesome.
Thanks.
I'm GMO corn.
You don't eat it, it eats you.
- What are you supposed to be? - I'm recycling.
Ah! Hang on.
We're authorized by the dance committee to inform you that your samurai costume is insensitive.
We'll have to fine you for cultural appropriation.
Five dollars.
Enjoy your evening.
Hi, Olga.
- Cute pirate outfit.
- Thanks.
I don't see any problems with that.
Have fun.
Not so fast.
Real pirates, like they have in Somalia, are desperate victims of oppression.
Did you see that Tom Hanks movie? Turner and Hooch? We're gonna have to fine you for your white privilege.
Five bucks.
Great plan, Nick.
Fining people is much better than just distributing a list of rules.
We'll make lots of money.
For the cultural sensitivity trainer.
Ah! Uh-oh.
Peace offering? Label's still attached.
I checked.
Sure.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
You really hurt my feelings.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Of course I want Nick to feel welcome here, but I'm not like you.
I don't jump in head-first.
I have to get acclimated.
That's why you never go swimming.
We're having fun in the pool, and you're still testing the waters.
Are we all having fun? It's like that time you bought the kids a trampoline.
Then Jeremy wound up in the ER with a concussion.
That only happened twice.
But you didn't buy a trampoline this time.
You bought another kid.
So what are you saying? I don't know.
Do we have another kid now? I mean, just like that? No talking about it, no discussion? What's to say? I mean, she's family.
Have you really thought about what that means? You know Nick staying here brings up issues that a paper sculpture won't solve.
You know, like how is it affecting the other kids? And what about Nick? She lost her parents.
Can we give her the emotional support she needs? Does she even wanna stay? Like you said, she hasn't unpacked her suitcase.
Okay, maybe I didn't think about all that, but I just saw a girl who needed a family, and I knew we had to do the right thing.
That's what I love about you.
I guess we'll just have to figure this out together.
- Yeah.
- But we have to be on the same page before we put any more place settings at the table.
Speaking of being on the same page, I'm still gonna make her a paper sculpture.
Yeah, I'm still gonna finish this whole bottle.
So you're making fun of low-income families who've lost their job to automation? Real funny.
Five bucks.
Trigger warning! Animal cruelty.
Five dollars.
Hemophilia is a serious disease that affects dozens.
Pay up.
Sorry, a Bigfoot costume is offensive to people with alopecia.
[MONEY BOX RATTLES.]
I hold these truths to be self-evident, that my constituents have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of the best-attended dance of the year.
- What? - Oh, hell no! What's the problem? That costume is totally unacceptable.
How exactly? Hello.
Jefferson was a slave owner.
And that was awful, but he did write the Declaration of Independence.
He fathered six children with Sally Hemings.
Okay, that's even worse But he also fathered the Louisiana Purchase.
- This is outrageous.
- This is thoroughly problematic.
Okay, you're right.
I'll pay.
Here's five bucks.
There's no fine big enough to get you in.
You're stopping me from attending my own dance? I spent months organizing this.
Well, give us one sec.
This wasn't a part of the plan.
Jeremy is gonna blame me for this.
He doesn't like me as it is.
We can't give up the moral high ground to protect one relationship.
- Can't we just let this slide? - No way.
But as sophomore class rep, shouldn't he get executive privilege or immunity? Either is fine.
Yeah, listen to her.
We are.
Nick taught us not to let anything slide.
- Yeah, but what do I know? - You have no authority to do this.
Jeremy, the enemy! [ALL.]
Jeremy, the enemy! Stop this! This is crazy! I'm going in.
You can't stop me.
[ALL.]
Jeremy, the enemy! It's not worth it, boss.
But seriously, that costume not cool, dude.
Et tu, Jimbo? I got some money.
About seven hundred bucks, and it's all yours, Dad.
Don't worry about the Harbaughs.
I'll handle them.
How should I get it to you? Mm-hm.
Yeah, I'm looking for someone in your system.
Her name is Dorothy Wojciechowski.
I don't know.
The usual way.
Thanks.
Er, hold on a sec.
Hey.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry you missed the dance last night.
You know, everything was fine around here until you showed up.
Now all this crazy stuff's happening.
I do double the chores for half the money, and get kicked out of my dance.
I know I've thrown a wrench into things.
I feel terrible.
I never meant for that to happen.
Things just got out of hand last night.
The squad should've totally let you in.
You think? Well maybe this will make things up to you.
Turns out when the squad opened the cash box, it was a lot less than we thought.
We didn't make enough to hire a cultural sensitivity trainer.
So I convinced everyone to donate the money to a charity in your name.
"A donation has been made in the name of Jeremy Thompson in appreciation of his organizing the best-attended dance of the year.
" You can hang it in your student council room.
Wow.
Thanks, Nick.
That was nice of you.
Hey, happy to help.
Okay, see you later.
Gotta hit the books.
Sorry.
Yeah, I'm back.
So there's no Dorothy Wojciechowski in the social services' database? And you tried every spelling? Okay.
Thanks.
Maybe you're not so nice after all.