No Heroics s01e03 Episode Script

Ding.
- Superpowers Authority.
- Hello.
Electroclash.
The disciplinary hearing? Hello? Superpowers Authority.
- Electroclash.
- Speak up.
I can't hear you.
Doors open.
- No unauthorised entry.
This is - Intercom, play Bhangra.
Well hear we are again, Electroclash.
Abuse of powers and bringing your cape into disrepute.
I don't wear a cape, actually.
Last time you were in front of the Superpowers Authority was for defrauding a cigarette machine.
Whoa! Crime of the century! This time it's for exploding a dialysis machine.
- Self-defence.
- Electrocuting a monkey.
- Also self-defence.
- And erm something about a vibrator.
Tape stop.
Oh, very clever.
Scribe here is taking notes.
- What's your power? - Shorthand.
That's not a power.
Normally, you would be suspended.
But out of respect for your parents, we'll let you off.
- Oh, mint! - With community service.
Fuck! Zerox, run five of those off for me, please.
Bet you're fun at the office party! - All right? - Hello.
Wanker! Look at this.
The Hotness, The Hotness, The Hotness, The Hotness.
Superhero stickers! I can't afford a mouth to piss in and you buy these? - One pack had two of me in it.
- Oh, congratulations! No, Don.
The more they print of you, the more shit you are.
It's true.
Look who he's with.
Space Pony, The Cobbler.
Thrush.
My problem is, I don't get the right press.
You don't get any! Recognition factor, minus 6.
- I wish I was that anonymous.
- I'm not anonymous.
He's got the same recognition factor as Miasma.
- He's invisible.
- Oh, hello.
- Are they letting villains in now? - Don't make me stab you, Alex.
- Did you get suspended? - Worse.
Community fucking service.
- Ouch.
- 20 hours mentoring a sidekick with behavioural difficulties.
Sidekicks are there for an easy fuck.
And to help you solve crimes.
- And that too.
- So, you're gonna have some immature little prick tagging around after you for a whole day.
I managed two years with you.
Yeah! I mean, I'm meant to be a positive role model.
Show 'em there's more to life than getting pissed.
- We all know that's not true.
- So, where are you taking him? The Science Museum? Laserquest? - Megabowl? The ice rink? - You should be on a register.
What about a petting Zoo.
It's lambing season.
It's also happy hour.
So we'll be doing community service the old-fashioned way: in the pub.
- Oh.
Can I fuck him? - No.
Got got.
Got.
Need.
- Got - Usual, please, Norse Dave.
Hey, everyone.
It's Hot Flush! The Hotness.
Hello, Devlin! Hello, Devlin's little disciples.
We've got some pictures of you here.
Around 30 of them, to be honest.
Don't suppose you've got one Excelsor to swap? I'm not 10 years old, Devlin.
You'd know the Excelsor had a shiny silver background.
- Recognition factor, 400.
- 300, actually! Whatever.
Hey.
Great work saving that car ferry last week.
It was you who saved the car ferry.
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
Great work.
Brilliant - Is that guy checking me out? - Ooh, that's Carl.
- You know what his power is? - Sarah, I'm about people, not powers.
Why does everyone think they can take the piss out of me? Cos you're a harmless little puppy fart.
I'm not a puppy fart.
I can be trouble.
You don't know what trouble is.
That was my fourth time in front of the SPA today.
You're punishment is babysitting.
They wouldn't trust me near a vulnerable young boy.
Not in a Don way.
Listen.
I can be a fucking hell-raiser.
I just need to find a place where I can express it.
Well, don't express it anywhere near me.
OK, I won't.
Don? Let's go.
Me? I can't go on my own.
You've got a great reputation.
Drinking, swearing.
Torturing people.
No, Alex.
Why don't you take some of your other friends.
Like Dimbo, or - Drizzler? - Come on.
There must be some way I can persuade you.
Yeah, OK.
That'll do it.
- Fine.
I'll pay for your drinks.
- Behave yourselves, boys.
No chance.
- Ready to raise hell, gay boy? - Jesus Christ! We'll do the play fighting later.
- What are you on about? - All right.
I'm a superhero! I got ID! I have 2 staples in my side from the Falklands, but it doesn't make me Linda Lusardi.
- The Falklands and Linda Lusardi? - Exactly.
You're a kid.
Bugger off! I've got this, Dave.
All right? No sidekicks in here.
All right? I'm not a fucking sidekick! Well, you're not Purple Torrent either.
She's Japanese, for one thingands, but it doesn't make me Linda Lusardi.
- The Falklands and Linda Lusardi? - Exactly.
You're a kid.
Bugger off! I've got this, Dave.
All right? No sidekicks in here.
All right? I'm not a fucking sidekick! Well, you're not Purple Torrent either.
She's Japanese, for one thing! Racialist! All right.
You leave me no choice but to summon my monkeythunder.
Whoa, there, chimp-gimp.
We haven't got two hours to wait for your monkeys.
No.
It's quicker now.
I've found this place in Wiltshire.
It's more expensive, but they're here in 40, 45 minutes.
- He's with me.
- You know the rules.
Over 21s only.
No sidekicks.
I'm in enough trouble for serving that 12-year-old.
Hey.
He was half wolf.
How were we to know? I'll look after him, OK? Just give him a drink.
- Something from the kids' menu.
- Stand down, Thundermonkey.
Stand down.
Are you Alcotrash? - Close enough.
- First thing, don't touch me, or you'll be eating through a straw.
Best make it a triple, Dave.
- Where are you taking us, bad boy? - Somewhere dangerous.
Where the women are dirty and the bar does not serve soft drinks.
Somewhere so shocking, it's gonna be front page news.
Oh.
Sounds good.
You don't actually know anywhere like this, do you, Alex? - Waggamommas? - It's OK.
I know lots of places.
Very dark, very seedy.
You can do whatever you like.
Just to clarify, I wanna be seen as a bad boy, not a gay boy.
OK.
I know a strip club.
The girls are pretty hot.
They'll even be nice to a sad wanker like you, cos it's what they're paid for.
Sounds fucking amazing! - Let's get this over with, shall we? - Whatever.
Never knew you had a kid.
Must have been young when you had him.
24, 25? I'm not his mother.
Are you his granddad? Might be.
How big's your cock? Your mum didn't complain? - I'm looking after him.
- Oh, looking after him.
I get it.
Relive your own youth by banging this one.
Good luck, son.
Give her one for me, yeah? Fuck off! Careful, kid.
- Why? Are you a paedophile? - You wish.
I like it! Sexy, glamorous and a little bit dangerous.
- Somewhat like me.
- It's a fucking dump.
- But it's where the bad people go.
- Just stick with me.
You'll be OK.
My God! I can see a girl's boobs! Hi, Don.
Usual? - Hey, Caley.
How's the new tits? - Good.
Do you want a feel? Very nice, if you like that kind of thing.
I'll get you some drinks.
How did you find this place? It's amazing! I came here once.
Followed this guy to the toilet.
Cut his dong off with a flick knife.
- It was a work thing.
- Well, none of that tonight.
Don't steal my thunder.
No-one likes a thunder thief.
- Shall I introduce you to the girls? - No.
Yes.
No.
OK.
Can I touch a boob? He's still watching me.
Look.
We're flirting.
Jenny.
About Carl.
Oi! Stop sniffing pens! He keeps doing that.
- Oh, yeah.
This is Jenny.
- Hello, there.
And what's your name? My name is Suck My - Jack! His name is Jack! - And what powers have you got, Jack? There's a rule.
Don't use your powers in here.
Well, we'll go somewhere else, then.
Show you what I can do.
Rule Two.
Save the sexual innuendo for someone who's interested.
She looks interested.
Don't look like she gets much.
I hear you've had some problems with the police.
It's hard, growing up different.
I remember how it was.
No-one playing kiss chase with me in case I broke their ribs.
But I made it.
And now I'm the world's third strongest person.
Where it matters on the inside.
If there's anything you wanna ask me - Ever snapped a man's cock off? - No.
No, I haven't.
- What have you heard? - Excuse me? Look, I I don't suppose you'd You know, I'm just gonna grab a quick game of pool.
I thought you were gonna help me rehabilitate him.
But flirty man's asked me to play pool.
And he's not as nice as I expected.
Course he's not.
That's the whole fucking point! - Dozy cow! - I know.
Same again? Yeah, go on, then.
- You have a beautiful action, Jenny.
- Thank you.
So, how come I've not seen you here before? It's Carl.
I've been travelling the oceans.
- Ooh, a sailor.
- Not exactly.
Maybe you've heard of me.
I have the power Shh! No need to talk powers.
Let's get acquainted as Jenny and Carl.
Like normal people.
Aye-aye, captain.
Tell you what, though.
I'm gasping.
Why don't you take your shot while I grab myself a quick ale? Erm, all right, there, Jenny? - What's all this? - Hi, Simon.
I'm just playing pool.
You've never played with me.
- Do you mind? Carl's at the bar.
- Need any help? - I'm fine, thanks.
- Get that one over the corner pocket.
Gentle tap, mind.
None of your she-force.
Please! Go away! There we are.
Nice and snug.
Final warning, Simon.
Let's take our time here, yeah? Slip it in Nice and gently.
Hi! Ooh, I missed.
And I missed you, Jenny.
I need more vodka.
Yeah.
I've just seen The Hotness going into the Paradise Island strip club.
Sounds like trouble.
Hot-ness.
No, that's a place in Devon.
He's a famous superhero.
Well, you'd better get here quick, cos it's all about to kick off.
Just tipping off the paps there.
Alex, you're a C-list hero in a shitty strip club on a Tuesday night.
It's not interesting.
It's sad, but it's not interesting.
- Because I'm not raising hell yet.
- And how do you plan to do this? - Erm - Don't look at me.
Come on, girls! Get your kit off! Oh, my God.
It's a strip club.
That's the point.
Er, we could have a fight.
Though, not a proper fight.
Just for show.
You know, bit of rough and tumble, get the testosterone flowing.
- That's quite gay.
- No, it isn't.
It's manly.
Hey, bitch! Come on.
We wanna get our drink on.
Thanks.
Thanks very much.
Lovely.
And another! You're a hustler.
Oh, shush! I bet that's your cape name, isn't it? Hustle Girl.
With the power to draw innocent men into games they can never win.
That's not a power, silly.
Then, maybe it's about your eyes.
The power to have really beautiful eyes.
But, I couldn't save anyone's life with that power, could I? Oh I don't know, Jenny.
I think you just have.
Don't be silly, you.
Silly.
Try that.
Oh, fuck me! What's in it? Paraffin? And the rest.
And that is just to get us started.
I don't suppose they're hallucinogenic, by any chance? Yep! Not easy to get hold of - with one of these on your ankle.
- You knobhead! - Never told me you were wearing a tag.
- So? - So, does it record your location? - I suppose.
You might've said.
The SPA will kill me.
Tag unlock.
You're a fucking genius! And you are a wonderful sidekick.
Give us a couple of those 'shrooms, in case I get peckish later.
I can see what you're thinking, you recognise me, can't quite place it.
- No.
- Can't quite place it? - Don't recognise you.
- Imagine a costume, mask.
This mask.
Come on.
It's on the tip of your tongue.
- The Hotness! - Is that your cape name? - Yes, it is.
- It's quite gay.
No, it isn't.
Guess what my powers are.
- Hotness? - Clever girl for a stripper.
I'm a waitress.
I bet you don't get many capes in here, then.
- We get loads, actually.
- Yeah, but I'm not like those others.
I'm bad.
- So, you're a villain? - No, no, no.
I mean, I'm good But at the same time, I'm not good, if you see what I mean.
- So, you're incompetent.
- No, no.
I mean I do bad things.
Drink vodka, have sex with strippers.
- I'm a waitress.
- Have sex with them, too.
Because you're so charming! I'm sure it is.
If I er give you the nod make yourself scarce.
I think I'll be fine here for now.
Remember what you're gonna say to the nice man.
Excuse me, Mr Thundermonkey.
I wanna say sorry for before.
- I was a bit arsy with you.
- Yes, you were.
I have problems with authority.
No hard feelings, eh? All right, young fella.
Let's hope you've learnt your lesson.
Tag! You're it, bellend! Nice work, sidekick.
You're both complete bastards.
I'll set my monkeys on you.
We'll have gone home by then.
In fact you should go now, cos it's nearly curfew.
- One last tequila on me? - Thanks, boss.
It's allright.
Community service! You've gotta give something back.
Buck-toothed little shitbag! - This for the match.
- Ooh, pressure.
Tell you what.
Get this and I'll buy you some champagne.
- You're trying to put me off! - And give you a kiss.
You were definitely trying to put me off.
No, I wasn't.
I wanted you to pot it.
So that I could pot this.
You taste of scampi.
- Well, thank you.
- What exactly is your power again? I'm Carl aka Tigerwave.
I'm a swimmer.
- You do have lovely strong forearms.
- Oh, thanks.
Being half fish helps.
I thought you just said you were half fish.
I am.
I'm not like a mermaid, though.
I haven't got scales or anything.
But my flesh, it isn't red meat.
It's fish! You all right? Yeah.
It's just the taste.
It's not a big deal.
It's just that and these flaps behind the ears.
They're gills.
Gills.
So, what exactly is this stuff on my face? Oh, yeah.
I secrete fish oils.
You know when I'm aroused! - Omega 3! Great for the complexion.
- Right.
So, what's your number Jenny? J-E-N I mean, Hotness.
You'd think it was a good power, sexy.
But think about it.
It's shit.
Because they only want you in places that are cold.
- Can I feel your boobs? - No.
Right.
You know what my last three jobs were? Old people's homes.
The heating breaks down and they're straight on the phone to me.
- Please can I feel your boobs? - No.
Don? Don't talk to him.
He's gay.
Talk to me! I wanna be saving fit women like you, not old coffin dodgers.
- Please can I feel your boobs? - Still no.
It's not even good PR, cos they can't remember my name.
Last one I saved, some old biddy on the news said Excelsor had done it.
Fucking Excelsor! I'll kick his arse in.
One day.
Not today.
- Alex, what are you doing? - Smoking isn't allowed.
It's the law.
And you don't actually smoke.
I play by my own rules.
Alex, you really shouldn't do that.
Oh, shouldn't I? Right Let's try it again.
"Devlin shags cats.
" - Who wrote it? - Not me.
I don't know what you're on about.
D'you mean, "Devlin BUMS cats"? No, it's still not us.
Do you realise, but damage to brewery property puts my arse in the firing line? He just said it puts his arse in the firing line! You're laughing now.
Let's see when I sue your fluffy arse for libel.
- Shut up, cat rapist.
- I'll rape you, you little fucker.
See, I can see a man's face talking, but all I can hear is, "Miaow!" Well, if you won't tell me which one of you did it, I'll bar you both.
- He did it.
- What?! - Bad luck, fuck bunny.
- But we're a team! - Did I actually say that? - Yeah, you fucking did! Well Now you're the toilet cleaning part of the team.
Very important.
- What part are you? - I'm the drinking beer while you're cleaning the toilet part.
- Also crucial.
- Get on with it.
So I'll see you tomorrow for more mentoring Erm maybe the Science Museum.
Or the Petting Zoo.
I hear it's lambing season.
Jasmine? Liberty? Melinda? OK.
All present.
Now! Which daft bastard set the smoke alarms off, then? Yeah, The Hotness.
That's right.
Yeah.
It's kicked off big time.
You'll want photographers, the lot.
So can we go back in yet? Piss off! My girls missed out on an hour of dances.
Cos of you.
You're not going back in.
- You're saying - I think I've made myself clear.
- Yeah.
Say it, though.
Say the words.
- What? - You're barred? - Yes! OK, ladies.
Which of you wants to play with a bad boy? Ha-ha.
Now, one at a time.
Oh, so you think I'm cool now.
My balls! Please! Not my balls! On Power Hour tonight, the latest cape news from around the country.
Hey! It's the hell-raisers.
Whoa! What the fuck happened to you? Bad boy stuff.
- You wouldn't understand.
- You sound like you've had a stroke.
Have you been in a fight? You could call it a fight.
- Or getting beaten up.
- By a gang.
Of girls.
Let's not be patronising.
They were women.
But it's no big deal.
Let's just keep it a secret between ourselves.
Look, everyone! Hotpants getting beaten up by a gang of girls! Look on the bright side.
- Worse things happen at sea! - Shut up, Sarah.
What's her problem? While you were out, Jenny fell for someone hook, line and sinker.
I thought we'd stopped the fish joke game.
- She's just a bit crabby.
- Please! Sorry.
Not my plaice to keep carping on.
I just got beaten up by strippers.
Please let me in on the fish joke game? - Jenny? - OK.
I MAY have kissed a man with mild fish-based powers.
I hear he tastes of scampi.
- Yes, they do.
- Wait, wait.
Was he your sole-mate? Did he have big mussels? - Was he a bream-boat? - Sarah did that one already.
He wasn't here, for cod's sake! You're being very selfish.
Very shellfish! Get it? Don, you haven't done one yet.
OK.
OK.
Did he give you crabs? God, no.
She only kissed him.
- That doesn't work at all.
- Well, English is my second language.
Dick!