No Offence (2015) s01e03 Episode Script

999.
What's your emergency? Fire! The house is on fire! Fire! Let it haunt you, but we're in.
- So focus.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- That's good.
- That's a belter! We'll go back in.
Boogie.
- Don't you look ace in that dress? - Look at you.
Very pretty.
No visual.
Repeat, no visual on Jimmy Webb.
It's his own bloody wedding.
He can't have done a runner already.
Shelf life's almost up, Viv.
We're getting looks.
I've got him.
Got him.
Looks like he just snuck off for a quick consummation.
Right, boys, what we doing? Shotting it? - How many guests, Dinah? - At least 40.
Won't be easy to yank him out of his own wedding.
If he stopped frying Asian birds with petrol, we wouldn't have to.
Can you isolate him? Negative.
We need to make a decision.
This isn't gonna get any prettier.
Shit.
Kerry Mandrake.
Sent her down for spousal GBH.
We've been spotted.
- Stall for 60 seconds.
- Joy In 60 seconds, they'll have stamped our heads into the floor.
Come on, boys.
- Let me know if they're coming.
- They're coming.
OK, just follow my lead, alright? - Hey, massive congratulations, pal.
- Both having a good time? - Yeah, great, yeah.
- Amazing.
This is Frank.
I'm Becky.
It's just me and the wife can't work out how we know you.
You don't.
We've just moved back from Australia.
- Australia, yeah.
- Katie said we could gate-crash.
- Is that alright? - Fucking cops.
Back off! Back off! Now, take it easy.
You're gonna regret anything you do.
Anything we do we're not even gonna remember.
Congratulations to Jimmy and Michelle from all of us at the Friday Street nick.
Now, you two don't spoil a pair, do you? But I'm really looking for the father of the bride.
Where are you, Vinny? Oh, now, Vinny, I'm a little bit miffed not to get an invite to this little shindig after our families' history.
Deerings have put every twig of your family tree in the clink, but I'm so, so thrilled to be able to nip in the bud yet another union, because your new son-in-law, Jimmy Webb, is under arrest on suspicion of the murder of Smeena Hassan.
Come quietly and you'll all wake up in the morning with nothing but a hangover.
- Get the fuck off me! - Pig! - Night, Vin.
- Get off! I'm warning you.
I didn't torch her.
I was on my stag night.
But you went dark, didn't you? Just in time to nip off and get a few bits like petrol and matches.
So onto the Down's syndrome case.
I gather we have a promising lead which you so graciously texted me at 4am.
It's a bit more than promising, sir.
Lucy Cooke was a member of the Stage Wings drama company who were devising a play at her day centre.
Now, we toothcombed her belongings and discovered this.
A copy of the play and on the front page: "LC loves Captain Brown Bread.
" We're sending a detective to interview the group, keeping an eye out for anybody who matches up to Dr Peep's criminal profile which I'm sure you've digested by now.
- Ma'am, I'm not having a go, but - It's a profile.
It's not a 3D printer.
As for why, well, I'm afraid it can only be speculation at this stage, but for me he picks these girls because of a severe sexual trauma, likely in his adolescence.
You'd be smart to do a search of any suspicious deaths of Down's syndrome girls up to their early 20s.
- We've covered that.
- You've covered 15 years.
Do 50.
And I'd hurry.
The gap between Jocelyn Wade and Cathy Calvert's abduction is a massive acceleration.
He's missed his fix, so he's agitated, volatile.
I've designated our assignments.
Connie's got print-outs.
Move fast.
Doctor's orders.
Wearing a skirt like that, it doesn't count if you score.
You should be disqualified.
- I can't compete.
- Shut up.
And keep your eyes off that rear view.
He's still staying with you? I thought it was only supposed to be a few days.
- Tell me about it.
- No, you tell him.
Right, yours is the only place that we could play the volume at full tilt.
Boot him.
There are certain conversations that I can't have with him.
- Like what? - Like any.
Jesus, Viv, you know, since Mum passed, I've cut right down on me carcinogens, but 24 hours cleaning this up, I might as well have sucked off a chimney.
So, it's looking like your fire starter, he's poured petrol through the cat flap and whoosh.
Cat survived, Joy.
Poor kid, she's had zero warning.
Organs too overdone to tell if the smoke got her first or the flames.
It's tragic.
It's fucking tragic.
Press conference in five minutes, ma'am.
There's roadworks on Hadley Avenue.
We're gonna have to bomb it.
Choice of words, Jonah.
Right, I'm gonna need a plus one.
Any volunteers? PC Ahmed.
My daughter-in-law saw the best in everyone, even the Manchester Metropolitan Police, despite the hardly surprising revelations of racism in the very marrow of their institution.
I know there's been talk of reprisals.
Sameena would not want any of us responding in kind to what they did to her.
Anybody who knows anything, please, please, tell us.
Thank you.
We are doing laps around the clock to find who did this.
Bad-mouthing us won't speed that up any.
I ring you lot three times a week when the shop gets vandalised.
You don't even bother coming any more.
So it's hard to be too thankful you've finally decided we're worth helping.
Hey, you! Clive, for your own safety, cease and desist, OK? What are you, a nun now? Come on, zip up Old Peculiar so I can ask you about the arson.
Seriously, Clive, you're practically pissing on a grave.
I wouldn't piss on that tight cow if she were on fire.
Nick him! Me dick's still out.
Very good.
Very good.
Watch and copy every single movement the other's making like you're looking in a mirror.
Adam.
Adam, take this seriously.
Alright, everybody, we've got a visitor.
Detective Tanner's here to ask you a few more questions about Lucy.
It's Patrick! He did it! Adam, watch it.
We've discussed this.
You never listen.
What's new? How many times? It was my stag do.
I don't remember where I was at 3am.
Be a shit stag do if I did.
You're a known member of the British Democratic Action Force and you've just married into the family founders of the movement, and, well, you've done this before, to her father-in-law's mosque.
Yeah, an empty mosque.
Is this me, eh? I want 'em out, not dead.
Then you're released from prison one week before this happens.
Exactly, so I wouldn't be so thick to get caught on camera, would I? We went to Half Moons for some lap dances, then blackout.
And if all you've got is some skinhead, then I'm laughing.
And frankly, why would we bother going after one Paki when there's 15 of 'em five doors down? - Shut your mouth! - Done.
Got this off Majid Hassan's phone.
Clive Bradley reckons he found it in the alley behind the house the night of the fire.
Right, and he was how pissed when he told you? If Majid thinks we're questioning his statement, everything'll go south.
We just need to slip it in simply, economically.
There's no point in dressing it up.
We've every right to ask.
You've no idea how sensitive this culture can be.
Really.
What about that time when me, you and Haddi went to that pub at Christmas and we ordered a mulled wine but you giggled when Haddi ordered a Red Bull and a dessert? - He dumped me for that.
- No.
He dumped you because you wouldn't give him a blow job until he'd met your mum, after two dates.
Salaam.
I'm Detective Sergeant Joy Freers.
- My sincere condolences.
- Can we just get on with it, please? Yeah, certainly.
Adam and Lucy were both in the Romeo and Juliet take-off we did.
Adam can get fiction and reality a bit confused.
We found this on a copy of your script.
"LC loves Captain Brown Bread.
" - Mean anything to either of you? - No, sorry.
No.
Lucy had loads of crushes, loved attention.
I miss her.
Do any of these men look like the suspect that you saw outside your house before you left for work? I'm not being funny, but they all really do look alike.
No rush.
No rush.
We We stumbled across your phone this morning.
Any idea how you might have misplaced it and when? I can't even think.
It's been a pretty rough 36 hours.
Yeah, course.
God, can't even imagine.
It's just that in your statement, you said that you didn't leave the shop and it was actually found behind your house on the night of the attack, so My statement? What are you trying to get at? It's just a question.
It's not like you're a suspect.
- A suspect? - Not a suspect.
Just a person of interest.
You think I had something to do with killing Sameena when you have a guy, a white guy, on film? What's happened, Mr Hassan? Mr Hassan's phone was found by a witness outside the house.
We're just asking how it got there.
Fuck's sake.
This is She doesn't deserve this.
Look, I'm I'm 17 months off an upgrade, so I dropped the phone in the skip behind the shop and I was gonna say it got nicked so I could claim for a new one.
Dad, I'm sorry.
Oh.
We're not done.
Your sergeant just declared my son a person of interest after questioning him without a solicitor? How is that going to play out? I don't dispute asking how Hassan's phone got into the alley, but both of you circling round him when this man is our prime suspect? And who leaked this on Twitter? Ma'am, the reporters are asking about Nazi Cakegate.
Any comment? Tell 'em it tasted so damn good, Mary Berry would have gobbled it down and done the goose step.
Well? Why camouflage a legitimate line of investigation? We both thought they'd be oversensitive to formal questioning.
No, I thought, ma'am.
It was my fault.
What about Jimmy Webb? We didn't have enough to hold him.
We've got sources covering all main fascist groups, including Jimmy's.
Normally there'd be trophy chatter, but they're picking nothing up.
That's a first, ma'am, and I don't ever wanna quote Jimmy Webb, but why would that lot bother with Sameena when there's a much larger Asian family right next door? Wrong cat flap? Viv.
Viv.
What if it wasn't race hate? We just assumed it was because of the haircut and the area.
It could be a more personal motive or - Sameena was a teaching assistant.
- But that's all we've got on her.
What if Sameena wasn't even the target? What if it was Majid? Find out more.
Ask around.
Then quiz Majid and his dad.
Make them understand our thinking.
What are you gonna do next time a top-notch constable offers you advice? Take it, ma'am.
I can't tell you here.
I've got a safe place.
Let's go.
I should have asked you straight up about your phone.
I apologise.
Oh, and this has been released as evidence.
It was found in your bedroom.
I thought you'd want it.
So if it wasn't race what else is there? We've been hearing Sameena was quite a vocal feminist within the community.
Any light you can shed on that for us? Such as? Come on, Dad, they mean the mosque.
Sameena made noise about women being allowed on the committee.
Her and Dad would stay up all night talking about it.
I'd wake up and they'd be having a massive row.
I could never keep up, could I, Dad? She wanted to organise a demonstration.
She didn't even have a chance to print off the leaflets.
Sorry.
I need some air.
Imam Hassan, do you think her stance might have been seen as controversial or inflammatory even? It is so important that if anybody approaches you, anybody you haven't met before in the street, in a shop, knocking on your front door, whoever they are - Can't we just tell our mates? - Let him finish, Teresa.
You must tell a responsible adult.
It can't just be your mates.
- It has to be a parent or a guardian.
- Is she your girlfriend? - It's Teresa, yeah? - I'm Teresa.
Alright, Teresa.
There is a man out there who wants girls like you dead and bobbing up and down in the river like apples.
Now, I'm sorry, but we need you all to be scared of this guy.
- Yes? - We are.
You tease.
You absolutely love it.
- Hello? Is that Stuart's dad? - T.
What's going on between you and him? No, I'm just saying you must have a few years of prostate value left.
There's no need to lean on the young lad just yet.
So I was just thinking I'm just gonna break it to you both very gently.
- Freeloader! - Oh, Tegan! Relax, relax.
I put the phone down before I said anything.
- Hello? Who is this? - Shit! - Hello? - Fu - Um - I want what he's having.
- Uh, yeah.
Two Cokes, then, please.
- I want a pint.
No, no, I'm not having a pint.
OK, then, I will tell everyone that you touched me in my party zone.
So you're saying the day that Lucy went missing, she was crying on the payphone to Patrick? - How do you know it was Patrick? - Lucy was my friend.
Captain Brown Bread.
Brown bread.
She meant brown beard.
Shit for brains.
Patrick.
Just got off the phone from the bookie's.
- Big tip.
- Work tip, obviously.
Manager told us last Thursday he heard a big row in the bogs and saw Jimmy Webb chasing out an Asian guy saying he's gonna kill him.
Well, which Asian guy? Which do you think? No! You wreck our engagement sticking him in prison.
You smash our wedding.
Fuck our honeymoon, there'll be a clump out of your spine.
Threaten my boss one more time, you'll spend your honeymoon being finger-banged by women uglier than your mother-in-law.
Fucking pigs! Get me out of these handcuffs now! Jimmy! Jimmy! We've witnesses saying you were arguing with Majid Hassan in a bookie's toilets two days after being released from prison.
- Why? - He stank the bog out.
We know you threatened Majid's life.
Week later, his house gets torched.
Simple maths, Jimmy.
Alright, OK.
We help people out, yeah? You know, with cash-flow sort of thing.
Yeah, I think you mean loan-sharking.
I do it down the bookie's because the in-laws might not like some of the clients we help out.
I mean, this stuff isn't even me, but, you know, I fell in love.
Her dad wouldn't accept me unless, you know, I converted.
- When did you loan Majid money? - Michelle did.
Said he was after 12K to pay off some gambling debts.
Yeah, right.
She only gave him five, but then he kept palming her off, he wouldn't cough up.
With interest, he owed about 20 by the time I came out.
- We had a wedding to pay for.
- Did he pay you back? Where were you? You better start having flashbacks or it'll be more than an extortion charge you're facing.
I was in the bogs at Half Moons.
I got a handjob.
I was twatted.
It took a while.
Off who? It was my stag night.
Shit had been laid since noon.
She said her name was Marlene.
She was black.
Please don't tell Michelle.
Black? Bravo.
- Be more specific.
- She Well, there's a memory I've got, she had long dark hair, spandex, miniskirt, big tits.
Then there's a flash image which has been sort of fucking with me a little bit that she might have had some sort of deformity or something.
Deformity? Jimmy! Jimmy, you listening to me?! Tell 'em to get me out of these handcuffs now! A dick.
Please don't tell Michelle.
Adam got that pint out of you, then, did he? Why didn't you tell us that Lucy called you the day she went missing? She didn't.
Captain Brown Bread.
OK.
Where were you the night that Lucy went missing? - I love those kids.
- Yeah? - How much do you love 'em? - Don't be so disgusting.
- As if I'd ever even dream - Dream of what? Hurting her? Lucy was raped and drowned.
I'll show you photos of her dead, cold, dug-up body.
Just so you can see it before and after.
I don't ever wanna see them photos again, but if that's what it takes I didn't know, not until he hurt those other two.
Who? Who, Patrick? Her Her boyfriend.
What? Wait, no No one we've spoken to has ever mentioned a boyfriend.
Who? The first day I met Lucy she told me she loved me.
It got so bad she wouldn't even believe me when I told her that I was that I'm gay.
She was devastated.
Then she She told me that she found another bloke.
Someone like me.
That made me nervous, so I followed her.
I saw him pick her up in a van.
What sort of van? A white transit.
- He looked scared when he saw me.
- You saw him? You saw him and you didn't stop him? He wasn't suspicious? What do you think? But he got her back safe.
She said he made her happy.
- I mean, who was I to judge? - She was in your care! I couldn't face hurting her again.
So she rang me in a state cos she said he'd dumped her.
She said she wanted to kill herself.
I said I'd meet her at my local for a drink and she never showed.
And you didn't step forward with this when she went missing? I was going to, but then they pulled her out of the river and I thought that she topped herself.
But who'd feel better knowing that? How do you think they would feel if they knew I let one of them die? I couldn't.
I'd lose my job.
Your job? Your job? Lucy Cooke, Jocelyn Wade, very close to a third.
You had days to come forward with this.
And you knew, you knew he was still out there.
You knew.
They're a good fit, but I said to get the black ones.
Shirt's OK, though, yeah? Yeah, shirt's fine.
But Tess is right.
Fork out for another pair in black.
I've had the cast off.
And you're here because? I invited him, and he's staying for tea, which is gonna be top.
Come on, Tess, let's go upstairs and tell Cathy that dinner's almost ready.
Knock first, yeah? Would you rather I pissed off? No.
Not if you're being useful.
But using Tess and Mum to get back over the mat? A bit cheap.
They wanted me to meet Cathy.
Get out! Get out! Call 999.
Check Tess and Cath, and Mum! Stop! Don't hurt him, Dinah! Tell her who I am, Cath! but if that's what it takes No, please, I didn't know, not until he hurt those other two.
- not until he hurt those other two.
- - Who? Her Her boyfriend.
- Wait, no - One sec.
No one we've spoken to has ever mentioned a boyfriend.
Who? Laurie, what does this look like to you? Like every single night for the past couple of weeks.
I'm not whining for a fuck here, Viv.
I need a second opinion and you promised me yours an hour ago.
Not every night.
And who was it who didn't bat an eyelid when you wanted to turn our tidy cellar into this stinking soundproof spaceship, eh? And who's working his tits off to prove that it was worth it? Are you gonna pour or what? OK, radio ad for the college.
They want it street, catchy, unforgettable.
Herpes, basically.
Probably shite.
Brace yourself.
Ready? Hm-hm.
Go on, do it again, just one more time.
- How do you know about F sharp? - I know F sharp.
That's better.
I think it's better.
- I like it.
- I like it too, yeah.
Hmm.
Do you like this? I'll save you the olives.
But the rioja doesn't stand a chance.
Isn't your girlfriend full of surprises? How come Cathy's family never heard of you? What, you've met her family, yeah? Alfredo Delgani, one year out of young offenders.
- It's Alpha.
- Clearly not.
Now, humour me.
Where were you the dates that Lucy Cooke, Jocelyn Wade and your good lady were abducted? Are you mad? What, me? - Give us some dates.
- March 10th for Lucy.
Sitting retakes.
Yeah, six As, three Bs, no Cs.
- Check.
Next.
- Jocelyn Wade, 2nd of September.
I was playing chess, and I won every single round to raise money for spacky kids from my foster home.
You can check their phones.
They loved it.
I'm no suspect.
I've worked in an office, you know.
So fuck the lot of youse.
Don't charge him, Dinah.
I mean it.
It'll fuck his life up again.
Go on.
Go and see him.
You can't blame her for not telling the family, Viv.
They'd wreck it.
We've all put our neck in the noose for this kid, so there's no going back.
You've never taken anything at face value before.
Cathy can't be the exception.
Patrick Llewellyn's alibi has got some legs.
He said he went to meet Lucy at the Blue Anchor the night she went missing.
It's a gay pub.
Patrick's a regular there.
Here he is, 8:04pm, March 10th.
There's only one camera by the front door.
But that same night he went home with the landlord.
Same again with the other girls.
If he is gay, it doesn't really fit with anything in the profile.
What, is there a rule book? Yeah.
Gay serial killers only ever target gay men.
Dahmer, Nilsen I'm having him.
His alibi holds up.
He knew about the van.
He saw him.
We don't wanna alienate a star witness.
Star witness? He didn't just turn a blind eye.
Two girls died.
God knows how many more.
- Are you saying it's not him? - Of course I'm not.
I'm saying it's unlikely.
O, Captain my Captain.
I'm sorry.
I'm so Scared of losing your job, Patrick? You'd better be waking up screaming, boy.
I swear to God, you'd better be carrying this guilt like cancer till you croak.
So one question.
Do we want the same thing, Patrick? Out loud, you streak of piss.
I want to help catch him.
I pray that's the only thing we'll ever have in common, Mr Llewellyn.
Right, good news is we found Marlene.
That deformity's a stonker.
She was a giggle, actually.
Check out that cleavage.
Can't blame you.
That Adam's apple, though can't quite get how you missed that.
Your wife open-minded, Jimmy? Please.
Look, this is lifetime shit.
Don't wreck it.
Show it to me again.
I'll tell you anything that I can.
Wait, wait, wait.
Why would he get caught on camera unless he wanted to be seen? We know that twitch.
Shit.
There.
Gold stars, girls, for thinking outside the box.
And for astonishing bigotry.
A fucking mask? Viv, ma'am, just play it out.
Majid kept his shop door locked so he could easily sneak out the back and peg it to the petrol station.
He makes sure he's seen getting the petrol, pours it through the cat flap and is in such a rush to get back he drops his phone.
From a bank job four years ago near Elderwood Avenue.
You can get 'em for less than a grand.
Hot in there, Jonah? - How did you know it was me, ma'am? - Got a very distinctive walk.
Don't let anyone tell you different.
Cheers, Jonah.
I owe you one.
That and the BO.
Motive? Majid's paying off mega gambling debts, so he borrows money from Jimmy's wife.
He hasn't got a prayer of paying it back.
When Jimmy gets out of prison, Majid knows he's on borrowed time.
So Majid sets fire to his wife for the life insurance and gets to keep the money by framing Jimmy.
And we link arms and yellow-brick-road it to MacLaren's office and present him with this? Based on what? A tic.
I'm ever so disappointed, Majid.
Why didn't you tell us that Jimmy had reason to set your house on fire? Don't look at him.
Look at me.
My dad can't know.
You don't know what he's like.
Are you so afraid of your dad that you'd let your wife's killer go free? I'm sorry.
Sorry goes down much better for me with a chaser, say two years for perverting the course of justice? And I'll ensure that you get the same room as Jimmy, with the same view, at the same time.
Lovely.
Ta.
Wait.
- I did it.
- Come again? There's a mask in a concrete-installed biometric thumbprint safe hidden under a towel at my shop.
You'll be needing this.
But I want a word with my solicitor.
In private.
Is this you? It doesn't look like we need his thumb, but I'm up for trying.
Why the bullshit? - Step back.
Step back, please.
- Any comment? Did you murder your wife? Did you murder your wife? Not murdered! Martyred! In the name and fulfilment of Allah's holy war! Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar! - Tanner, get in.
- Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar! From bereaved husband to religious psychotic in under an hour? That's a bit rich even from you, Ashok.
Four weeks ago his doctor put him on antidepressants because he was having suicidal thoughts.
Do you remember that mum from Hulme, smothered her kids, then threw herself out the window? Same drug, same dose.
Are you calling in a psychiatric report or am I? Tensions are running high in north Manchester today amidst escalating protests and attacks from all sides, with several casualties already reported.
Detective Chief Superintendent MacLaren Get back to your desks.
Ma'am, there's a street fight on Poppy Field Road between a gang of Asians and the BDAF.
Neighbourhood Watch got stuck in, so it's got messy.
- Thanks, Connie.
- MacLaren's on the warpath.
Wants to know if you've saved him a piece of that cake.
Do you think you could text me this shit? Majid Hassan's brilliantly adapted to everything we've thrown at him.
Framing Jimmy failed and now he's a mad jihadi.
That scumbag deserves life for what he's done, not seven months in a puzzle factory.
Oh, fuck.
What do you suggest? We thump this twat right back in his box with the right motive, and we get that out there fast before anybody else gets hurt.
Sounds lovely.
How? Sameena's got to have known her husband's debts were spiralling out of control, so she must have told someone.
When you were with Majid, his dad was just staring at Sameena's necklace and he said something in Urdu, but I tried to Google translate it, but I can just remember it phonetically.
Mufkuna Sameena marim marishuka.
Something, something, Sameena, something.
With conviction, Joy.
Mufkuna Sameena marim marishuka.
Do you have a Clubcard? It means, "Forgive me, Sameena, my darling.
" Why didn't you just ask me in the first place, Sarge? I I couldn't work out if it was racist or not.
Leave me alone.
Sir, just one question.
Your son's saying he killed Sameena in God's name.
His solicitor's claiming he's crazy.
Do you honestly believe either? Lads you've known since they were born are a baseball bat away from joining your son in jail or hospital.
Right now you're either this community's imam or you're that boy's father.
You can't be both.
Sameena begged the imam to grant her a divorce five weeks before the fire.
The imam wouldn't grant it.
She found out Majid had remortgaged the house to pay his debts and put a stop to it.
I want a full-blown confession from Majid on tape, both of you.
No, Majid already thinks I'm a screw-up.
It should be me just me.
I know I can trip him up, ma'am.
It shouldn't have to be a question.
So, Majid, you don't think you're mentally ill.
No, thank God I'm not.
I heard the voices of martyrs on my shoulders and they were bidding me the courage of a child of Allah.
- You proud, Dad? - Oh, he's far from proud, Majid.
And if you are hoping to pin your sudden jihadist urges on meds, it won't work.
Your doctor's given me the dates you started taking them, here.
Now, how come before you started taking the medication, your wife's life insurance policy was signed while she was on a school trip at Euro Disney? You know what Allah just whispered to me? "How fat must your legs look without heels?" Answer the question.
How did your wife sign the life insurance when she wasn't even in the country? Shh.
Lf If you really are a jihadist, don't you think we would have found some hard-core stuff hanging about? Extremist websites on your phone? Allah compels me, not YouTube.
Step outside, sister.
See the glory the blood of my wife has already sown.
In 50 years your grandchildren will be Muslim.
Though I'm not sure we'd want them.
Ugly fuckers.
May I suggest that we stop wasting valuable time and get my client into a psychiatric facility - Save her.
for his own safety? Is that a slim-fit Armani shirt? How much was that? 100, 150? Try 200, love.
It's just that we hauled in a batch of those last week selling two for a tenner down the market.
Saw you coming a mile off.
Still, 200 quid? - Did Sameena have to buy it for you? - No.
No, but she had to buy you your skinhead mask, didn't she? Look.
It says here on her credit card statement.
Look.
Spending your wife's cash on the mask that you were gonna murder her in, that is top five.
She She She didn't know I was going to.
She bought it herself for fun.
Come on, Majid, you took out that credit card behind her back because you couldn't scrape up the cash.
- English, Mr Hassan.
- I said I'm gonna cut your head off.
I thought you'd be used to answering to women.
By all accounts, your wife held the purse strings.
- She didn't.
- Working day and night.
Coming home, leaving your balls by the front door.
She'll chop them off.
You think I'd kill my wife for money? Your dad does.
You must have been so desperate.
I get it, I get it.
Your whole life you've felt like an embarrassment to others, but most of all to yourself.
Sit! Look at that.
Ripped off like toilet paper.
Sameena probably never laughed at you to your face, but on behalf of a woman who sounds like a cracking good bird, let me! The only thing that bitch was good for was cash in hand! - So you did kill her for the money? - Fucking right I did! Dad didn't arrange a marriage for me.
He hand-picked the daughter he never had.
I never once put a foot wrong, and she still had his ear more than me! Majid, you just drop-kicked yourself into a life sentence.
Don't bother having the last word.
And she had such a hairy fucking cunt from day fucking one! - Fuck off! - Consider that leaked.
Take a bow, lady, take a bow.
- No, no, no, no, no, these are on me.
- Oh, thanks, ma'am.
Do I pick 'em or do I pick 'em? You are not still sulking about that call I made to your old man? It was a joke.
And what's going on between you two anyway? OK, what was it? Did he finger you when you were little or something? Am I right? Tegan, meet my old man.
Mr O'Connell.
I am so sorry about what happened on the phone and about the the the fingering thing just then.
- Did you hear that? - Laughed my tits off.
Name's Jock, by the way.
We're on brandies.
You? Yes, please.
Doubles.
Here, pal, I'm not having this! I'm not having it, right? If you don't mind humming away to Barry Manilow, sir, while I put you on hold.
I've been fiddled with! Where are you going? I'm trying to make a complaint! Clive, you best tether your vocab right now because I'm about two seconds away from shoving a Taser up your arse and pumping you so full of volts you'll feel like you've been fisted by a pylon! Now, go and sit down! Get to the back of the queue, lad.
Are you alright, sir? She's missing.
- Alright? - Thanks.
You're very welcome.
OK? What else is she keeping quiet? Gotta go.
Get a taxi.